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honest truth: you’re too good for all of them

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I am grateful for a regular period and mild PMS symptoms.

I thought I was looking for love—turns out I’m just sexually frustrated & in my luteal phase

My favorite part of being in the Philippines is staying up late with my mom while she toasts bread. Brings back core memories of when I lived at home.

Also being with my Nanay again and talking her up. We’ve done it more this visit vs other times.

I love my family so much but I’m afraid I’m doing this wrong

A lot of time exerting my boundaries and expressing myself because they hurt me

But then I see them and they look older and more tired. Is it even worth it anymore

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I love being able to talk about my friend’s mom with her. 🙏🏽🕊️ shoutout, auntie 🤍

I’m not who you think I am

I am who I know I am

Things to tell Amanda:

1. My grandpa taught my mom to always keep her files organized no matter what. This made me realize I must really hurt my mom when I endlessly roast her on the house. She’s already hard on herself internally. Why must I add to it?

2. My mom has also been exhausted with my brother’s relentless behavior. Why must I drag her down with me? She gets stressed when we fight. She pleads with us to chill. Me and CJ are chaotic as fuck. She’s happy enough to watch TV with my dad. Her pleasures have become more simple. I should let her enjoy them, shouldn’t I?

3. Overall I think I’ve been too hard on my parents. I’m thinking especially of the moment I told my dad I wanna KMS and that it’s his fault and I hope he finds me.

Can kids traumatize their parents? Lol.

But wait he used to say that shit in front of us when I was growing up so where the fuck did I get that from?

I know I’ve been growing significantly while I’ve been away from home and from my family, but I feel something fading away inside me.

My love for them is still the same, but *sometimes* I forget what holds me there.

My ability to articulate that depth of love is getting rusty too.

I used to feel very strongly about unconditional love and now I think my love has become more conditional.

I worry that could be a bad thing, at least when it comes to my family.

I’m afraid of losing them. Fading away from them and losing what we once had (though it was flawed—it was really beautiful).

We are becoming strangers and it hurts.

I think that’s what I’m missing from therapy. I lowkey want something to repair that bond, but I don’t know what that looks like yet.

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This is going to feel like those kid summers where I’d regulate myself in my bedroom. I wrote to-do lists, stuck notes to myself on the wall, and organized my scattered mind into a good headspace. Nobody else was helping a sister out

But this time it’s more like. I’m going to use this time to better curate and elevate my lifestyle

losing my mind a bit tn

am I doing this eldest daughter thing wrong?

389

Walpurgis Night, Constantin Nepo, 1864

#Mr. Big #Charlotte #Sex and the City

Journaling again.

Just writing about my day. I woke up early to wrap up some Organic Social stuff. Did this the other day too. I’m a little behind because of the one day I took it easy, but maybe it was worth it.

Went to the office—had a hard talk with Angela. She’s just looking out for me but I have a feeling I won’t be getting a promotion.

Helped Hannah get her things and move in. The rug business was easy. Then we walked the trail near her place and I kind of fell in love with it. The outdoor gym was really cool too. I would potentially live in the Peninsula, even though I love the South Bay.

Home. Walked over to get Thai food. Sex in the City. Catching up with friends. My favorite people. A typical evening for ya girl. Now I’m up late from all the yapping I did.

This guy was texting me. I hate the way he texts me—he doesn’t ask me about myself; he brings up random shit that only pertains to him. Leave me alone if you’re not going to engage me. I left him on read for a bit but then I said something kinda sassy. Idk. Hope he picked up what I was laying down.

My brother called a lot. That was fine but I’m a little burnt out from my Ate duties. Now I have a job to do tomorrow after work. I’m also still not speaking to my mom very much. That makes me sad but it’s unfortunately necessary right now.

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It’s crazy what no food, family, and external opinions can do to your mental psyche

friend—I just need to be held and listened to

not to be bullied into doing things that will cost and exhaust me emotionally and financially

I need you to be soft with me

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