Jo Howell Poetry

As the sun sets,

You hide your skin under face paint

And costumes,

Excitement bubbling in your chest.

You wander out into the dark

Surrounded by friends

To discover which treats you’ll find this year.

But as the sun sets,

I have no where to hide

Because my biggest monsters live inside my head.

Everytime I close my eyes

My thoughts wander through the dark,

Alone,

I dream

Wide-eyed

Of tomorrows

But my arms are always too short

Joy dances across your face

Like leaves in the breeze,

Mesmerising

Will I ever learn to be myself?

Even if my head stops spinning

I’ll still be falling

I showed you my book of secrets,

The pages only ever touched by my finger tips,

Each in perfect condition,

Each trusted to hold the words I gave them.

You didn’t hesitate to open the cover,

Bending it back,

Cracking the spine,

When you gave it back and walked away,

I was left just as broken

My happiness is like a butterfly;

Beautiful,

Delicate.

Every time I reach out for it

It flies away,

And any time I manage to touch it,

On paper

I was better

But I always knew that was written in pencil,

And it only took a moment

Do you every get a dead leg? Try and stand, and the numbness drags all your attention to it so you don’t fall. You might try to walk anyway, but normally you end up sitting until it passes.

Now imagine that feeling in your brain, and every time you try to focus, the numbness drags all your attention to it and all you can do is let it absorb you until it passes.

Woken up in an unfamiliar home

Before sunrise,

Stumbling to find the door in the dark

With every heartbeat spinning faster.

I can feel my heart

Sitting uneasy in my chest,

Emotions churning

Waiting for any reason to overflow.

The alcohol is still flooding my veins,

My heart is slowly drowning,

Getting tired,

Can’t walk straight anymore.

Holding back tears

As the walls start closing in,

Chest getting tighter,

I stand in the shower,

Eyes shut,

Listening to the water fall around me.

I can still hear the patter of feet

And the hushed voices

Of other people

But closing my eyes distanced me from them.

I let my thoughts surround me.

The warmth of the water

Traces the lines of my swimsuit

And caresses my skin

Like the touch of another.

My head starts to float away

As a daydream lifts its kite to the wind.

And I watch it for a moment.

Watch it fly between the clouds,

Carefree,

Nothing to weigh it down.

I watch it dance along the horizon

Until the water stops,

Expecting me to be finished with the shower now.

I open my eyes,

My feet are firmly on the floor

And I am alone in the cubicle.

I feel the chill of the air against my skin,

You have always smiled brighter than me,

Spoken louder than me,

You walk and talk with more confidence than me,

And I have always been okay with that.

The spotlight is on you

And you hold the microphone

But my voice has become the feedback everyone is trying to tune out.

I don’t mind standing in your shadow,

I like to watch your joy too,

But I’m getting lost in the crowd.

Surrounded by people

But they don’t hear me talking,

Don’t hear me asking for help,

My eyes skip across the floor

Watching others toes

Trying to memorise their steps.

My fingers are so used to dancing with themselves,

Or with my sleeves,

They’ve forgotten what another’s warmth feels like.

My shoes always fit too big

So my feet shuffle as I move

And I never quite learnt how

My eyes follow you across the room

My words float through the space between us

Like steam from a kettle

But today the sun is shining

I cradle my glass,

Sipping the drink

Until I can stop counting my heart beats.

But instead my stomach stays in knots

And now I just can’t see straight too.

After every drink

More words spill out

As if my blood can only hold so much,

So it reaches for the alcohol

And pushes my feelings onto my tongue.

I know I’ll wake up in the morning

Head spinning,

Stomach flipping,

Embarrassment deep in my chest.

I know I am saying too much.

I know I will regret this tomorrow.

But maybe if I tell you,

You’ll help me

And I’ll wake up feeling happy.

Or maybe if I tell you

You’ll help me

My skin tingles but I can’t tell if it’s because of the winter air or because my head is pulling me into the sky.

Time wavers like it’s caught amongst the clouds, my thoughts spinning in the wind.

I close my eyes as if not being able to see will plant my feet back on the ground.

My heart trembles, forgetting the things that used to fill it with warmth, the things it once needed.