Man’s thinking something horrible has happened to his brother, so he’s sacrificing and bleeding, losing Tess, to get to him.

All while the man is living a charmed life, getting married and expecting babies while drinking booze and planning on having bacon.

All because Tommy just couldn’t send a last message saying that he was going to be out of communication.

^ Became the way Joel saw it.

Joel saw that Tommy took Joel's willingness to lose bits and pieces of himself over the years to keep Tommy safe and alive and just left it. Tommy said to Joel "Just because you stopped living" but that wasn't true-- Joel lost one of the things he lived for and he became rabid about keeping Tommy safe. Tommy saw this as Joel just not giving a fuck about anything anymore, that Joel gave up being Joel because he didn't care because Sarah was gone so why bother? But Joel cared that much about not failing Tommy too.

Tommy wouldn't even get on a horse and go with them IN CASE something happened BECAUSE his wife was pregnant and he threw in Joel's face that Joel sacrificed for him to be able to be there. Joel doesn't want to be the Joel he is, he wants to be what Tommy is-- a guy getting buy in a place that is simple, where he can see his kid be safe and know something about happiness.

Where he can know Tommy is safe. Get to know his niece or nephew. Make his hands useful in ways they used to be useful in.

Ever notice that like, we never get what Tess did before. I'm tempted to write it. But we don't know. We don't know what Bill did before, or Frank.

But we KNOW what Joel does, more importantly....

We know Joel never lies about it.

He could tell Ellie he was a cop or a butcher or a teacher or a criminal and he just tells her the truth --- I made things. All the time.

You know why?

We already saw just how anxious and terrified Joel was to lose Tommy. Tommy not messaging Joel back meant that he was in danger, he could live with the fact that his brother wanted to be as far away from him as possible, but even the thought of losing him brought him paralyzing panic, it crumbled all of his tough walls

The Joel in Boston was barely a person, merely a machine, going from job to job. But the Joel that gets to Jackson has been through horrible shit, he brutally lost Tess, the only shimmer of light in Joels life, then this kid opened him up to care, maybe even to care about strangers, he cared about Henry and Sam. He actually wanted to take them with him, to protect them and get them somewhere safe,

He allowed himself to trust them, because he's slowly becoming a person again, his feelings are resurfacing again. Then it came back at him, he lost them in an even more brutal way, both shot right infront of his eyes. And fear started to settle in, a fear that if he cant save anyone he cant save Ellie either, but he cant bare the thought of losing him, the whole way from Kansas city to Jackson, Joel must've contemplated in his head, on the fact that he has to let her go, because the mere thought of losing another person was to overwhelming to bear, and this is the Joel that gets to Jackson,

and he is so damn happy and relieved to see Tommy, his baby brother,

and he's so freaking insecure in the bar scene, and its so palpable, you can feel how unsure he is,

and what kills me even more is that he slowly lets down his walls infront of Tommy, he lets some emotions shine through, mainly anger and resentment, you can see how his body is slumped and even though the emotions are not all positive he's more comfortable, because this is his brother. But the moment he hits him with "I'm gonna be a father", he straightens up and his face hardens and you can just feel all the walls go right back up,

and the hurt on both Joel and Tommy's face kills me, Im dead...

I mean fuck, putting them next to each other is like 'why am i doing this to myself'

- seeing tommy for the first time in however long & dealing with the overwhelming emotions that come with that

- tommy having a wife and a BABY ON THE WAY

- all the reminders of sarah. the woman, tommy, the pregnancy, seeing that there’s someplace she could’ve grown up and been safe. seeing that little girl’s room, that ellie was staying in, which reminded me so much of sarah’s when they showed it

- having a drink/access to alcohol for the first time in almost a year(?). as an alcoholic, this must’ve impacted joel immensely and probably put him in a headspace where he was more easily triggered and emotional. MAZIN PLSSSSSS DONT LET JOEL GO BACK TO DRINKING IN S2 LETS SEE SOME ACTUAL RECOVERY FOR HIM PLS I HATED THAT HE EVEN DRANK IN 1x06 LIKE HOMIE YOU HAVE ELLIE TO PROTECT

- seeing kids in jackson being happy and celebrating the holidays. definitely contributed to his dream of decorating the tree with sarah

- being in a functioning town and a comfortable house which both he and his daughter ellie have rooms in was probably very jarring for him too, as i imagine it would be for anyone coming into jackson after being outside for so long. it’s a transition that i dont think joel was prepared for at all

- talking about tess for the first time in however long. the fact that he just instantly lied about it, and couldn’t admit the truth to tommy until he was broken down

He’s lost everyone else; Tess, Bill, Frank, Sam, Henry… But the one single person who survived, who has witnessed all these horrors alongside him and has shared in all his losses, who has protected him as much as he’s protected her, who has never left his side from the second they met, is Ellie.

They’ve spent the last three months with no one else but each other for company; every waking and sleeping moment spent right by each other’s sides. He’s become so used to her presence, always following closely behind him like she’s part of his own shadow. He’s come to enjoy her snarky attitude, her childish wonder, her shitty puns, her healing laughter, and all their random conversations. And he knows her, too; knows how she thinks, knows her interests, her favourite food, even her favourite astronaut.

The Last of Us. Season 1.

Like, we take photos and phones for granted so much if we lose a loved one; our memories are captured forever, ready to revisit when we need to, when we need that reminder that that person was real, that they were here.

But, Joel’s daughter died in such a traumatic way, and he had no way of remembering her face other than his own memories, which would’ve been catastrophically tainted by the way she died. Joel’s lasting memory of his baby girl is corrupted by blood and anguish.

I just know he’d curse himself one night for not being able to remember the exact number of freckles that dusted the bridge of her nose; or not being being able to recall the shade of her irises when the sun hit just right, or the shriek of her laughter when her Uncle Tommy made him the butt of his joke for the hundredth time.

I think Pedro did a stellar job of conveying this despair when Joel catches sight of someone who looks just like Sarah in Jackson; I’m sure it’s happened several times over the years, but the hope - wrapped up in sadness - shown in his eyes… man. A true visceral reaction. His daughter is a ghost to him, to his own mind. And it breaks me.

and it remains with me to this day no matter what I do this wound will never heal why are you never real? the shifting states you follow me through unrevealed, just let me go or take me with you

Sarah teases him about his age and he responds back with sarcasm, clearly endeared by his sassy daughter. Tommy comes in and teases him too and he just keeps on talking, like this is an everyday occurence and he gets greeted with "you old fucker". What I mean is that he loves the sarcasm and teasing.(By the way the following scene is such a nice parallel back to the first episode)

Tommy does the old teasing age again and this time his smile fades, because this time his age has become his biggest insecurity, proven by

-"No Complaints", Noah Kahan