Javi And Joel

It was like any other evening, except today you decided to take some pictures of yourself that you knew Josh would enjoy. Josh and you weren’t anything serious, just a fling that started after you came home from college. He lived a few blocks away and would come around when your dad was at work, it was nice not having any strings attached. It wasn’t exactly your thing to send nudes but you decided to surprise him. One spicy topless photo, you smiled to yourself with excitement loving how it came out. He had just been texting you and you knew he’d love the unexpected tease. Giggling to yourself you attached the photo along with a message.

“Can’t wait for you to suck on them tonight.”

And sent.

That’s when you felt the ultimate sinking feeling in your stomach. Josh’s name was no longer at the top of the text thread..

Joel Miller.

“Oh shit!” You felt your stomach twist into a knot as you rushed pulling your straps back up.

“Oh my god…oh my god” you panicked, your fingers moving quickly back and forth between Josh’s thread and Joel’s. How the hell did it get to Joel? You scrolled up as you swallowed nervously, your heart pounding when you noticed his text.

“Hey, no need to get burgers for the BBQ tomorrow. Your dad said you were stopping to grab some today, Tommy and I already did. See you tomorrow.” You stared blankly at the text.

The fucking BBQ.

Your dads annual Memorial Day BBQ.

Your hands still shaking, how the hell were you suppose to come back from this? Accidentally sending a nude to your neighbor? Your dad’s friend? Then you had to face him the very next day, it felt like a damn nightmare.

Joel, I’m so sorry. That was not meant for you.

Please forget this happened.

You sent the text and threw your phone on the bed.

~~

Joel stood in the kitchen after a long day at work, he grabbed a beer from the fridge when his phone lit up. He figured it was you, responding about the burgers. Taking a sip of his beer he practically choked on his drink when he realized what you sent him.

Surely it was an accident.

Joel wiped his mouth and turned placing his phone on the counter. Almost afraid to touch it but unable to look away.

“Jesus” he whispered to himself.

Joel found himself analyzing the photo, the straps to your tank top pulled down, the way you bit your bottom lip, the glare of the sun from your window directly hitting your breasts.

Then another text appeared.

Joel, I’m so sorry. That was not meant for you.

Please forget this happened.

Before he could even register the text the sound of the door opened making him quickly exit out of the message thread and clear his throat.

“The hells wrong with you? Look like you seen a ghost” Tommy joked as he walked past him.

Joel took another sip of his beer and shoved his phone in his pocket.

“Yeah uh- just a long day. Sarah should be home soon, Miley’s dad is driving her back.”

“Ok, I’ll order some pizza” Tommy called out from his room as Joel walked to his.

He needed to be alone after what he just saw. Still in disbelief he sat at the edge of his bed, leaning forward he brushed his hand over his face before sitting back up and reaching back in his pocket.

Hesitantly he clicked on your name and there it was. His eyes focused on the image before him, something he wasn’t suppose to see. Something he knew he should delete it but he couldn’t stop looking at, his eyes lingering on every part of you he could see. The soft curve of your neck, the way your thin gold chain sat delicately on your collarbone. The charm shaped into a heart sat on your chest, his eyes moved lower just where the curve of your breasts began. They were plump, nipples erect, that’s when he felt his cock twitch in his pants. His thumb hovered just over them, he pictured how soft they must feel when suddenly your father’s name flashed on his screen.

“Shit-“ he stood up almost panting, pacing back and forth in the room as the phone rang realizing what he was just doing. He looked down at his phone again, your fathers name continuing to flash on the screen. He took a deep breath and without thinking twice answered the call.

“Yeah, Bobby?”

“Hey, just wanted to ask if you can do me a favor, I’m getting stuck at work later than expected. If you can just pick up a few boxes of beers for the BBQ and drop them off at the house tonight, I’ll give you the money when I see you. My schedule won’t give me time.”

Dropping them off at the house meant seeing you. Before Joel could even find a way out your father was interrupted with work and quickly thanked Joel for the favor and hung up.

“Tommy!” Joel called as he walked out of his bedroom hoping his brother was still around. Of course he stepped out again with his luck. Defeated, Joel grabbed his keys and walked out.

~~

Joel hadn’t said a word which made it all the more humiliating. You could barely look at your phone, even telling Josh you wanted to reschedule for another night.

Then you heard the bell.

“Why would he still show up” You whispered to yourself as you paced down the stairs going straight for the door.

“Didn’t you get my mes-“ you opened the door to see Joel standing before you. Your skin instantly getting hot, you felt your stomach turn.

“Joel-“ you whispered.

“Uh- your dad called me. Asked me to drop me these off for tomorrow” he could barely look you in the eye. His hands fidgety as he distracted himself with anything to stop himself from looking at you.

“Oh..um-“ you looked down at the boxes of beer. He took advantage in that second to steal a glance before quickly looking away.

“I’ll bring them to the fridge out back-“

“I got em” he quickly picked up the boxes, all four of them at once. You awkwardly stepped aside and let him make his way out the back door and he began to stack the fridge full with beers. You stood close by watching, arms crossed unsure of what to say but knowing something had to be said.

Once he finished he stared into the fridge for a moment, hand on the door as if he was searching for something.

Probably stalling having to turn back to you.

You swallowed nervously before blurting out words you barely thought over.

“I’m sorry about the picture” Joel stiffened before taking a double look at you as he closed the fridge door.

“Huh? Yeah- it’s-“

“It was meant to be sent to someone else, I didn’t notice you had just texted me.”

“Figured that much.” Joel turned towards you but still couldn’t find it in him to look directly at you. Hands in his pockets he stood still, wishing your dad would just appear.

“You can’t even look at me” you whispered with an embarrassed smile, your words making him finally look up at you, his jaw tensing up. And in that moment you realized you didn’t know how the hell you could even be looking at him.

“I uh-“ you suddenly lost your train of thought.

“Um- can we just somehow pretend it never happened?” You spoke quickly then bit your bottom lip nervously looking away. Joel’s gaze darkened at the sight of you doing exactly what you were doing in the photo. He made himself look away.

As if he could pretend it never happened.

All he could think about from the moment you opened the damn door were your breasts.

He caught himself getting lost at the image in his head and cleared his throat straightening himself up.

“Better get back, I’ll see y’all tomorrow.” He looked at you for one short moment and gave you a nod before quickly walking out.

~~

Joel stared at his ceiling that night fighting the urge to take another look at the picture. Finding it hard to delete it.

He knew he should’ve.

Looking over at his nightstand he reached over for his phone. He clicked on the messages, his thumb hovering over your name. Without thinking he clicked it and there it was. Joel took a deep breath as his eyes instantly began tracing the curve of your breasts and then he read over the message.

Can’t wait for you to suck on them tonight.

His cock throbbed, he quickly put the phone face down beside him and brushed his hand over his face.

“The hell am I doin’?” He muttered to himself. His breathing quickened, his hand rested on his chest as the most intimate thoughts ran through his mind. The thought of how you must feel, the thought of his very hands cupping them. He was now rock hard beneath his boxers, his hand reaching below…he couldn’t resist. He cursed at himself grabbing the phone, your picture still there in front, his other hand shoving his boxers down far enough for his cock to spring up out of them. He looked over and knocked over his alarm clock desperately grabbing a bottle of lotion.

And he let his mind go to work.

His hand closing around his shaft, he started off with slow steady strokes.

Joel pictured his tongue sliding over your nipples, he pictured himself sucking on them as you moaned pulling him closer against you.

The thought of you moaning made him move faster, his precum building up at the tip of his cock. His chest rising and falling deeply the faster he moved, he couldn’t get his eyes off your breasts. The thought of you riding him as they bounced freely, he groaned involuntarily, the noise slipping out on a breath like his body betrayed him. Joel hadn’t felt something this intense building up inside in a long time. His hand moving rapidly as he imagined how your pussy must feel like tightening around him. The thought of you riding him and using his body to your advantage. The thought of you cumming all over his cock—his cum shot out of him. He panted as the phone fell onto the bed, his hips jolting upwards against his hand as he moaned as low as he was able to so he wouldn’t be heard throughout the house.

“Jesus Christ-“ he looked down as his cum spilled out of him over his hand, his face flushed as he threw his head back barely able to catch his breath. His hand didn’t move, he lay still panting for dear life realizing what he’d just done.

Maybe now that he relieved himself, just maybe..he could move on from it.

~~

You could smell the charcoal from your window as you got ready for the BBQ. Your dad excitedly prepping the food playing some of his favorite music as guests slowly began to arrive. It was still early as you went through your wardrobe deciding what to wear, you were excited to see Josh tonight. You went with a soft pink sundress you hadn’t worn in a couple years. Looking at yourself in the mirror you put a drop of lipgloss on when you heard Joel’s voice out your window. Replaying what happened yesterday and hearing his laughter outside with your dad made your cheeks flush.

You took a deep breath and shook it off, focusing on Josh tonight was all you needed.

Greeting a few of the neighbors as you made your way by the pool in the back you had a quick laugh with your friend Serena. The sound of your laughter distracted Joel as your father spoke about yesterday’s game. Your dad’s eyes on the grill as Joel stood close by with one hand in his pocket and the other holding a cold beer.

Light caught the fabric of your dress when you moved, and for a second Joel just…stopped listening. His eyes wandering over the dress you wore. What the hell were you thinking coming down here in that, knowing what you’d just sent him. The dress complimented your breasts perfectly, your gold hearted chain sitting just above the sight of your cleavage.

He took a step to the side, dragging his gaze away like it cost him something, staring instead at the edge of the table as if it had suddenly become interesting.

“-Yeah,” he said absently, realizing your dad was still talking. He gave a short nod that didn’t match whatever he’d just agreed to.

You didn’t notice. Of course you didn’t.

You moved through the yard easily, hair catching the sun, completely unaware of the way Joel had gone still again the moment you were in his line of sight.

He took a slow sip of his drink, jaw tightening just slightly, like he could will his thoughts back into place if he tried hard enough.

Then you looked up and for a moment you both locked eyes. He didn’t look away as fast as he should’ve, that’s when you realized a certain look in his eye. A look you had never seen in him. It distracted you for a just a moment until Josh came into view blocking the sight of Joel.

“Hey gorgeous!”

“Hi!” You smiled awkwardly as he picked you up for a hug.

“Careful my dad’s close by” you whispered with a giggle. Yes, you may have been a grown adult but you didn’t want your dad knowing who you were messing around with. He looked at Josh so respectfully, God knows he wouldn’t if he knew what you two were up to.

Joel watched from a distance, of course it was Josh. Sonny’s son from the hardware store, he should’ve known. He never really liked the kid, just never knew why.

“Joel!” Bobby’s voice snapped him out of it.

“The hell you starin’ at?” He chuckled looking over, thankfully you and Josh had moved elsewhere.

“I’m asking if you want a burger, they’re ready”

“Oh yeah-“ he cleared his throat awkwardly.

“Yeah, sure.”

~~

The evening went on, Joel sat with Tommy and Bobby sharing a few stories, having a few laughs. Sarah played in the pool with a few of her friends as everyone enjoyed the warm day.

Joel could still hear you at times laughing sitting with your friends, sitting next to Josh. That’s when a few others left the party, clearing out the space enough where you and Josh were no longer blocked from his view. Still, you were distracted with your stories to notice your father looking your way.

“So Josh huh?” Tommy chuckled nudging Bobby. Joel sat silently waiting for your dad’s reaction.

“Ahh, they’re just friends. He’s a good kid, I trust him around”

“Just friends alright” Joel muttered under his breath before taking a sip of his beer.

Tommy excused himself to use the restroom while your dad went in to check what was left in the fridge. You noticed both of them walking in and looked back to see Joel looking out at the pool, smiling at his daughter laughing with her friends.

“Hey, let me grab us some more drinks from the cooler.” You patted Josh’s knee who nodded as he continued talking with the others.

Joel didn’t notice you walking towards him at first, just until you reached a few feet away.

“Hey” you smiled as his body tensed up.

“Hey” he put the beer down by his feet and sat up straight.

“I’m glad it didn’t rain today” you attempted to make normal conversation but truthfully something was lingering in your mind. Something you couldn’t help but want to ask.

“Mhm” Joel kept it short, he crossed his arms looking away knowing exactly what you did to him anytime he would look at you too long. He didn’t know what the hell you were still doing there in front of him in that damn dress.

Then before you could stop yourself, you leaned slightly closer and whispered.

“So…did you delete it?”

That finally made him look at you properly..really look at you.

His expression barely changed, but something heavier settled behind his eyes.

Joel exhaled once through his nose, gaze dropping briefly toward the grass.

“Thought we agreed not to talk about that again.”

“We didn’t agree,” you whispered back. “You avoided answering.”

A muscle moved in his jaw.

“You’re persistent, I’ll give you that.”

“Joel.” Your voice came out quieter than you meant it to.

He looked over toward the yard automatically, checking your father wasn’t nearby before lowering his voice too.

“No,” he said finally.

Your breath caught a little.

“No….?”

Joel rubbed the back of his neck, suddenly looking irritated with himself for even admitting that much.

“Haven’t gotten around to it.”

“That’s a lie.”

His eyes snapped back to yours.

You watched something change there briefly but it was there.

Because the truth was obvious now, a man like Joel Miller didn’t “forget” things.

Especially not things he wanted to keep.

“You should probably delete it,” you said softly.

“Probably.”

But he still hadn’t moved or looked away.

You swallowed. “So why haven’t you?”

Joel stared at you for a long moment before answering, voice low enough you almost missed it.

“Didn’t seem right lookin’ at it again just to delete it.”

Your chest tightened.

That was not an answer and it was definitely not the truth, what he said was worse.

Joel seemed to realize that too, because he immediately grabbed his beer and took a sip like he needed the distraction.

“Then delete the whole thread? You won’t even happen to open the message” you insisted when suddenly Josh’s voice came up behind you.

“Hey’d you get lost?” Josh laughed making you softly gasp. Joel kept his eyes on you as you turned to smile at Josh.

“No, I got it. Got caught up talking about something he needed me to help with Sarah.” You lied. Josh looked down at Joel who had his eyes narrowed on him.

“Well-“ you cleared your throat but before you finished your sentence Joel was grabbing drinks from the cooler and handed them to you.

“Thanks” you spoke softly, you and Josh turned back to your friends but you looked back, Joel was on his feet just about to walk away… but not before his gaze dropped once more to your dress.

It was late at night, Joel still hadn’t returned after the argument you had earlier. You stood in the kitchen slowly sipping a tea you made to help you sleep. The yelling, the sound of the door slamming so hard it made you jump replayed in your mind. Joel was protective, sometimes too over protective. The second he found out you patrolled an area he hadn’t secured first himself, something in him snapped.

~~

“Joel, Kelly and I secured the area. We were fine, we made it back, what’s there to be mad about?” There was plenty for him to be pissed about, first being that he didn’t trust Kelly and you knew that.

“And what if you didn’t?” He responded angrily across the room from you.

“Well we did” you stood before him with your arms crossed.

“You know damn well I don’t like you patrolling any areas I haven’t gone over first. God knows what the hell was out there-“

“Kelly and I had it handled.”

“Without back up, without any man there to help you-“

“Well luckily I know damn well how to take care of myself” you fought back.

“You got lucky” he muttered under his breath.

“Who the hell approved of this?”

“Your brother” you could see the anger rise in him. He paced back and forth hands on his hips.

“Look-“ you sighed “I know you don’t like how much of a risk taker Kelly can be and-“

“She’s careless” he cut you off as he walked towards the kitchen counter beside you.

“Joel-“

“You know better than that-“

“Stop talking to me like I’m a damn kid” you snapped. He swallowed hard standing in place.

“Your judgement ain’t what it used to be, baby” he spoke calmly.

“My judgement is just fine. I’ve done what I had to do just fine before I met you, I’ve made my way out of many places when I was alone. I survived for a long time alone-“

“Well you ain’t alone now!” The words came out louder than he meant them to. He turned his head immediately, like he regretted it the second it left his mouth. He hated arguing with you, hell he never yelled at you this way before. The thought of anything happening to you pushed him over the edge.

“I will not take you screaming at me like that”

You spoke calmly but he was far from calm, his chest rising and falling rather quickly as he dug his hands into his pockets.

“Then maybe follow the damn agreement and don’t go anywhere new if it hasn’t been cleared.”

“What the hell is with you? What you don’t think I’m capable of taking care of myself-“

“No as a matter of fact. I don’t.” He cut you off rather quickly, he could tell he offended you.

“Oh really?” He wouldnt look at you.

“So that’s how you think of me?” You stepped towards him but he turned towards the door.

“I’m done talkin’ about this” he walked out like nothing, the door slammed so loudly you flinched.

~~

You’d been sitting on the couch for what felt like hours, a blanket pulled over your lap, a cup of tea long gone cold in your hands. You hadn’t moved much. If you stayed still enough, maybe the knot in your chest wouldn’t tighten every time you thought about the way he’d looked at you before he left.

Like you were something fragile. Like you didn’t know what you were doing.

The front door slowly opened.

Your grip on the mug tightened, but you didn’t turn.

“…You’re still up.”

Joel’s voice was quieter than usual. Careful.

He didn’t come back wanting to fight, you could hear it in his voice.

You didn’t answer.

You could feel his eyes on you, searching, waitinf..hoping you’d look at him, say something, anything to make this easier.

You didn’t.

A soft exhale left him. Regret, heavy and tired.

“I didn’t mean-“ he started, then stopped, like the words tangled before they could get out right. “Earlier…Ishouldn’t have-“

You stood.

Your movement cutting him off without a word. The blanket slipped from your lap, the mug left forgotten on the table as you walked past him.

He turned slightly as you passed, his body instinctively angling toward you.

“Baby-“

Nothing.

You kept walking.

The bedroom door opened, then shut behind you just as softly. No harsh slam…somehow that made it worse.

Joel stood there for a second, jaw tightening, frustration breaking through the guilt,but it didn’t last. He dragged a hand over his face, exhaling sharp through his nose before following after you.

The door pushed open again.

You were already on the other side of the room, pulling off your sweater about to lay on your side of the bed.

“C’mon,” he said, a little more edge in his voice now. “Don’t do that.” You could hear the strain in it.

You didn’t look at him. That silence pressed in again, heavier this time.

Joel stepped further into the room, the floorboards creaking under his weight. “You just ain’t gonna talk to me now?”

Still nothing.

Your back to him. Your shoulders tense.

His frustration slipped out in a quiet huff, but it faltered almost immediately, replaced by something uncertain.

He wasn’t used to this, not from you.

Joel stood restless, hands settling on his hips before dropping again. “I’m tryin’ to talk to you.”

That made you pause just for a second but you still didn’t turn around.

“I heard you,” you said finally, voice quiet. “You said enough earlier.”

The words hit harder than if you’d yelled.

Joel swallowed, his throat working as he tried to find his footing again. “That’s not-“ He stopped, shaking his head. “That ain’t fair.”

You let out a soft, humorless breath.

“Fair?” You turned then, finally looking at him..and there it was. The hurt. The anger you’d been holding in all night, sitting just beneath the surface. “You yell at me like I don’t know how to take care of myself then walked out for the whole evening and you wanna talk about fair?”

His expression changed immediately.

“I didn’t mean it like that-“

“But you said it.” You didn’t yell, but it cut clean anyway. “You said it like I’m some kind of liability. Like I can’t handle things on my own.”

“That’s not what I think,” he said quickly, stepping closer without really meaning to. “You know that.”

“Look, I don’t wanna talk anymore. I just wanna go to bed” you slipped under the covers and turned your back to him. He watched as you reached over to your lamp and shut it off before lying down with a sigh.

Joel knew he fucked up. One thing you were always very proud of was how independent you’d always been.

How far you’d come.

You had every right to feel insulted after everything you had overcome on your own.

It wasn’t easy and he knew that. Joel silently turned away and left you in the room, hoping that maybe by morning you’d wanna talk to him.

A little while later Joel came to bed, you still hadn’t moved from the position you were in. He figured you were asleep but you lay there staring at the wall as he silently lay beside you. You could feel him looking over at you. He took a deep breath and looked at the ceiling and that’s when he began to feel it. Laying next to you would easily do it to him, hell the thought of you was enough to get him going. He moved slightly against the mattress, jaw clenched, like he could will it away just by pretending it wasn’t there. It didn’t work.

Joel was rock hard, his grey sweats making it very visible.

His gaze slid toward you instead, tracing the outline of you in the dim light, the curve of your shoulder, the way the blanket dipped at your waist. Something in his chest pulled tight, a mix of want and restraint that sat heavy behind his ribs.

For a second, he almost reached for you. His hand moved against the mattress, fingers flexing like they had a mind of their own, then stilled. He swallowed it down, every bit of it, forcing himself to stay where he was when suddenly you yanked the covers off you.

You couldn’t sleep, you didn’t look his way, you sat up and quickly walked out the room, Joel adjusted his pants incase you looked his way before sitting up on his elbow slightly confused.

Maybe he should’ve just stayed in the room, should’ve just waited till it passed but instead he found himself walking down the hall to find you in the kitchen. You were hunched over on the counter and took a deep breath, hands holding onto either side of the counter when you suddenly felt a soft touch on your waist. You jumped at the feel of Joel delicately placing his hands on your waist till you turned to him and roughly pushed his hands off.

“You’ve got some nerve-“ he abruptly pulled your body against his and that’s when you felt it. His swollen urge pressed against your pelvis. He looked you dead in the eye, his cock throbbing against you, yearning to be in you. In that moment as angry as you were with him, you felt something you couldn’t deny. Maybe it was the way he looked at you, or the way he pressed his body against yours. You felt the same need for him.

The need for him to fill you.

“Aren’t you clever” you whispered sarcastically. He still held you tightly against him, his eyes drifting between your eyes and lips.

“How long are you gonna stay mad at me, darlin’?” You could hear the desperation in his voice, he needed you right now.

“Hmmm…I don’t know” You spoke softly, his body tense against yours.

“What more do you need me to do?”

A smile slowly appeared on your lips, your hand creeping up to his face caressing his facial hair. His eyes closing savoring your touch.

“Are you really sorry?” You whispered, his eyes quickly opened, darkened. He nodded.

“More than you know” he breathed heavily.

“Well then…show me how sorry you really are”

He nodded slowly, gently carried you onto the counter. His large hands grabbing your face, his hunger showing for you as he kissed you deeply. You moaned into him as he began to pull your pants down and threw them aside. He could feel the warmth between your thighs as you wrapped your legs around him. His hard on practically dragging his pants down, he pressed himself against you, but you wanted to feel more. Pulling at his waist band you pushed his pants down as far as you could until you felt his warm throbbing cock brush against your inner thigh. You moaned with excitement as he pulled his shirt over his head, you pulled him close feeling him reach between your bodies. You could feel the tip of him at your entrance, aching to enter you. Kissing your neck he slid in you slowly making you gasp, Joel felt your body melt against him. Both of his hands brushing up the back of your neck grabbing a chunk full of your hair as he kissed you, his tongue swirled against yours as you whimpered against him. Each slow deep thrust he tugged at your hair a little harder. Joel hated arguing with you but one thing he loved was making up, each time more intense than the last.

He released your hair allowing you to lean back on your elbows, the sight of his cock glistening with each thrust the more wet you became.

“Fuck, baby-“ he choked out,he pulled you closer against him placing your legs on his shoulders. The angle only making him feel deeper, hitting every nerve to set your body off the edge. You threw your head back as a wave of pleasure hit your body intensely, his hips rocking against you faster. Sweat building up on his forehead, his curls now damp against his skin, his eyes focused on you watching as pleasure exploded within you. God he loved watching you get lost in the pleasure, the sight only making him go harder. You screamed in relief, almost collapsing onto your back until he wrapped his arm around your waist and pulled you against him. You panted with your arms around him, he smirked, his rhythm slowing down.

“Can you feel how sorry I am now?” His whispered breathlessly.

Your lips parted but you couldn’t speak, your eyes hazy and unfocused. He loved that look on you. He pressed a soft kiss to your forehead, then slowly traced them down the side of your face until he reached your lips still thrusting his hips.

“Take me to the bed” you whispered.

He did just as you asked, carrying you to the room still inside you, slowly your body building up the strength to take over. He could feel you grabbing onto him tighter, pulling yourself up on him as you kissed him eagerly.

“Baby-“ he moaned roughly in between kisses. You had him right where you wanted him, he threw himself back on the bed as you pushed him flat on his back. His eyes memorized by the sight of your body on top of him, he never got tired of the view. He pulled your shirt down enough for your breasts to poke out of your top, just enough to watch them bounce with each movement you made.

“Just like that, baby…” his hands brushing up your thighs grabbing onto your waist as you rode him. You moaned touching yourself, squeezing your breasts knowing how much he loved when you did that.

“Do you feel it now?” He asked looking down watching himself disappear in you with each bounce, you could tell he was close to climax by the way his hands tightened on you, the way his breathing deepened. You slowly leaned forward and caressed his face.

“I don’t know…” you whispered as you continued to ride him, face to face. Your body pressed against his as you rode him making his body tense up.

“I’m gonna need you to say it again” you whispered, he nodded quickly, eyes desperate.

“I’m sorry” he whispered, his words jumped with his breath.

“Mmmm-“ you kissed his neck.

“Say it again, like you mean it” you rode him faster hearing his breathing quicken.

“Baby-just forgive me please- I’m gonna cum-“ he choked out.

“I know” you pushed yourself up and rode him harder.

“Say it” you demanded, his body beginning to twitch.

“I’m s-sorry-“ he looked down squeezing your waist.

“What was that?” You teased.

“Baby, please-“ he begged, a low desperate whimper.

“Say it”

“I’m sorry-fuck I’m sorry-“ he cried out, he tried to hold himself but his body gave in just like you wanted it to.

“Fuck-“ he squeezed his eyes shut releasing himself in you, digging his fingers into your skin, he tried to slow you down but he couldn’t. His body going weak as you continued to ride him, he couldn’t make out any words, just deep groans of desperation. Each stroke on his cock sending shocking waves throughout his body.

“Want me to stop?” You raised a brow. He whimpered as you slowed down, his hips quivering beneath you.

“Baby-ba-“ he pleaded, his voice desperate and rough. All he could do was hold you.

You bit your bottom lip with a smile, still you moved slowly taking every last drop of him. Words escaping his lips that you couldn’t make out.

His breath uneven, as if the strength had drained out of him all at once. His hand lingered on your waist just as you stopped moving, but his hold on you wasn’t firm anymore, more like he needed the contact to steady himself than anything else.

You didn’t move right away. You just watched him, calm and in control of the space between you, while he slowly came back to himself. His eyes were half-lidded, unfocused for a moment, like he was still trying to catch up to his own body.

A faint, breathy laugh left him, though it didn’t carry much energy. He exhaled through his nose, clearly overwhelmed in a way he didn’t have the words for. You slowly got off of him, feeling him slip out of you, you lay back beside him. His hand gently reaching for your thigh beside him, giving you a light squeeze.

“Thats what I get for pissin’ you off?” He somehow managed to finally say. You turned towards him with a smile.

“Mhm” you kissed his cheek gently and pushed yourself off the bed. His eyes following you to the door, not ready to get himself up yet.

“I’m gonna go shower”

He closed his eyes and nodded.

“Gonna need a bit, baby”

“Take your time” you smiled walking off into the restroom.

~~

In the kitchen grabbing a quick snack you heard Joel making his way down the stairs. His hair wet combed back after coming out of the shower, he stopped at the doorway and looked at you for a moment. You stood against the counter only wearing his shirt.

“So-“ he smirked walking towards you.

“The hell was that about?” He stopped before you, watching as you looked away slightly blushing with a smile.

“No no no, don’t get shy on me now” he pulled you against him playfully.

“Not after how you had me up there, that was your plan all along huh?” He whispered against you.

“Maybe” you raised your brows with a chuckle, he leaned in and kissed you.

“I meant what I said though, I am sorry” you could hear the sincerity in his voice.

Joel stood beside you anxiously waiting for the doctor to walk in. You sat on the edge of the paper-covered table..his hand hasn’t left you since you walked in.

The sound of the door opening makes you both take a deep breath as the doctor walks in.

She smiles happily introducing herself and proceeds to what you both have been waiting for.

“Alright, let’s take a look…”

You glance at Joel, already catching the way his jaw tightens,like he’s bracing himself for something, even though everything’s been fine so far. His thumb rubs slow circles against your hand.

The doctor moves the wand around a bit then slowly pauses.

“Hm.”

Joel straightens instantly. “What?” His voice is low, sharp. “What is it?”

“What’s wrong?” You ask practically sitting up.

The doctor chuckles softly. “No, no it’s not bad. Just… unexpected.” She tilts the screen slightly toward you both. “Do you see this?”

You lean forward, trying to make sense of the grainy shapes.

“Looks like blobs?” You say with a confused expression.

Joel narrows his eyes. “Yeah. That don’t clear much up.”

The doctor points. “This is one baby.” Then she shifts slightly. “And this… is the second.”

Joel doesn’t move.

“Second…?” you repeat.

Joel lets out a quiet breath, almost like it’s been knocked out of him. His grip on your hand tightens just a little. “You’re sayin’… there’s two?”

The doctor nods, smiling now. “You’re expecting twins.”

You let out a short laugh half disbelief, half amazement. “Oh my god.”

Joel just stares at the screen, like if he looks hard enough it might rearrange itself into something more manageable. But it doesn’t.

You glance at him, a grinslowly spreading. “Well…guess this means you really won’t let me do anything anymore.”

That pulls him out of it..just barely. His eyes turn to you, brows knitting together. “You weren’t supposed to be doin’ much before this.”

“Can’t keep me off my feet for too long” you chuckled.

“Growin’ 2 babies..,” he mutters, shaking his head slightly, like the math of it all doesn’t sit right with him. His hand slides protectively over your stomach, gentler than anything else about him. “That’s…that’s double.”

You raise a brow. “Pretty sure that’s how twins work.” A nervous laugh escapes your lips.

He huffs, but there’s no real bite to it. His focus is already back on you,on your stomach, like he’s trying to shield it from everything all at once.

The doctor continues talking, something about measurements, heartbeats, next steps but Joel’s gone quiet.

You know that look.

“Hey,” you murmur, nudging his arm. “You okay?”

He nods too quickly. “Yeah. Yeah, I’m fine.”

You tilt your head. “Joel.”

He exhales slowly through his nose, eyes still on the screen. “Just…wasn’t expectin’ that, is all.”

“Me neither,” you admit, softer now.

“I can’t believe there’s gonnna be two, I’m gonna push out two? How does that even work…?” You stare off into space thinking of all the scenarios. Joel can hear the panic in your voice begin to appear. He instantly puts his worries behind and moves closer to you, his arm coming around you instinctively as he leans into you.

“Hey don’t you start fillin’ up your mind with too much at once.“ He kisses the side of your head gently.

“You’re gonna take it easy,” he continues .

You roll your eyes lightly. “There it is.”

“I mean it.” His gaze finally meets yours, firm but not too harsh. “No more ‘light work,’ no more helpin’ out with things that ain’t your responsibility. You rest. You eat. You let me handle the rest.”

“Yes, sir.”

He doesn’t smile right away. His thumb brushes your knuckles again, slower this time.

“He’s right you know-“ the doctor intrudes.

“I had twins, you’re going to be exhausted before they even get here. So rest all that you can hun,”

“…We’ll figure it out,” he adds quietly. “All of it.”

You catch a quick glimpse of something in his expression…worry, maybe. The kind he won’t say out loud. The kind that’s already running through numbers, supplies, space, safety.

Two babies.

Double everything.

But his hand never leaves you.

You squeeze it gently. “Hey. We’ve got this.”

He looks at you for a long second.

Then he nods.

“Yeah,” he says, voice rough but certain. “We do.”

~~

You and Joel had barely stepped through the door before Tommy caught on. He was leaning in the doorway like he always does, casual at first, then sharper when he saw your faces.

Sarah was the one who figured it out first. Her eyes widened before anyone said a word.

“Wait… are you serious?”

Joel didn’t answer right away. He never does when it matters most. His hand stayed lightly at your back, steadying you more out of instinct than necessity.

“Twins,” he finally said.

That was all it took.

Sarah practically launched forward, laughing while completely stunned. Tommy let out a low whistle, grinning like he couldn’t help it.

“Damn, Joel,” Tommy said. “You don’t do anything halfway, do you?”

There’s laughter after that, questions, excitement, plans already being thrown around..names, room space, how much trouble two babies are going to be around the house. For a while, it feels warm and exciting.

But you notice Joel doesn’t quite step into it the same way.

He’s there. Even smiling when Sarah grabs his arm and starts talking over him. But his eyes drift a little too often, like he’s already thinking ten steps ahead of everyone else.

When things finally quiet down, he says it plain.

“You two are gonna help out when I can’t be around.”

It isn’t a question.

Tommy raises a brow. “Yeah, obviously.”

Sarah nods too, softer now. “Of course.”

“I mean it, I’m gonna be puttin’ in more hours and I’m gonna need your help with her”

You glance up at Joel. “I’ll be fine, you know that.”

His hand tightens slightly at your waist, just for a second.

“I know,” he says. But it doesn’t sound like he believes it fully. Or maybe it’s not you he’s unsure about.

It’s everything else.

That night, you drift off beside him, warm and safe, his arm heavy across your middle like an anchor he refuses to let go of even in sleep.

But when you wake, the space beside you is empty. You find him in the kitchen.

He’s sitting at the table, elbows resting on his knees, head slightly bowed. The room is dim, lit only by the weak glow of the stove clock. He looks like he’s been there a while…too still, too far inside his own head.

“Joel?”

The sound of your voice makes him move instantly. Like he was caught somewhere he didn’t mean to be.

He straightens, pushes a hand through his hair, already standing halfway before you take another step in.

“You ok?” You ask gently as you took his face in your hands.

“Course, darlin’. Just came out for a drink of water” yet there was no cup in sight. You could see it in his eyes, he wasn’t being truthful.

“You know you can talk to me right? I won’t break” you whispered. Joel took a deep breath, a smile that didn’t reach his eyes as he took your hand and kissed it.

“I’m fine, baby. Don’t need you worryin’ about anything, alright?” He leaned in and kissed your forehead before putting your arm to hold onto him as he walked back to the bedroom. You walked silently, you knew he wouldn’t say how he really felt. Of course he wouldn’t. He was never really good at that.

~~

The next morning you woke up once again alone in bed. The sun had just come up, you yawned walking out the room to see Joel grabbing his keys off the coffee table.

“Where are you going this early?”

“Wasn’t trynna wake you, got called for a job a few hours away just for the day” he grabbed his backpack.

“But you’re off today and you barely slept” you responded with slight disappointment in your tone. Joel looked up at you somewhat in a rush, leaned in and kissed your forehead.

“I’ll be home tonight, you get your rest, baby. I’ll call you in a bit” he walked out without giving you much of a chance to respond.

You watched as he pulled out of the driveway, Tommy stepped out of the room and noticed the way you looked out the window.

“Early bird gets the worm huh” Tommy chuckled before noticing you seemed upset.

“You alright?”

You sighed before looking at Tommy.

“Yeah, probably gonna go back to bed” Tommy watched as you looked back in the direction Joel had just been in. He didn’t say anything else but he already knew what you were thinking.

~~

Joel was suppose to be home that evening, you expected him home for dinner until he called you and told you not to wait up for him. The job taking longer than he expected but he seemed ok with it, he liked being distracted.

“Don’t come back too late” you whispered, he could hear the disappointment you felt.

~~

You’ve got your hands braced on the counter, staring at nothing in particular, like if you focus hard enough you can steady the nausea in your chest instead of just your body. It’s still sinking in….twins. Yesterday’s appointment replays in flashes you didn’t ask for,the doctor’s smile, the two heartbeats, the way your hand went cold before you even processed what she said.

Joel had gone quiet after. His mind had stepped a few feet out of the room and hadn’t come back yet. Your thoughts distracted by the sound of the back door opening with a soft creak.

“Hey,” comes Tommy’s voice.

Tommy steps in like he owns the space but doesn’t try to take it over. He instantly notices, your posture, your face, the way you’re holding yourself together a little too tightly.

“You alright?” he asks, slower now.

You try to nod. It doesn’t land convincingly.

That’s all it takes.

He leans against the counter across from you. “Joel comin’ back late?”

“Yeah,” you say, but it comes out thin.

Tommy watches you the way he always does when he’s trying to figure out what someone’s not saying out loud.

Finally, you break.

“I think he’s not happy,” you say, voice cracking before you can stop it. “About the babies. About…all of it.”

Tommy’s brows pull together immediately. “No. That’s not—no.”

You shake your head, eyes stinging. “He’s different. Since yesterday…like he’s already somewhere else.”

“That ain’t Joel being unhappy,” Tommy says. “That’s Joel being Joel. He…processes things like he’s chewing on a nail until it breaks.”

“It doesn’t feel like that,” you whisper. “It feels like I did something wrong..like he’d rather be away from me.”

Tommy pushes off the counter a little. “Hey. Look at me.” When you don’t, he softens his voice. “He’s happy. I’m telling you that straight.”

You laugh once, broken. “Then why does it feel like I’m alone in this?”

That’s when the tears finally give in, slipping fast and hot down your cheeks. You hate it, hate how fast it comes out of you, hate that you can’t stop it.

Tommy doesn’t panic. He just exhales like he expected this part.

“It’s two babies,” he says quietly. “You think he’s not thinking about every way the world could try to take that from him? From you? That man doesn’t do ‘light feelings.’ He does ‘carry it all and pretend he’s fine.’”

You wipe at your face, but it doesn’t help much.

“He didn’t even—” your voice breaks again. “He didn’t look happy, Tommy.”

“He was scared,” Tommy corrects gently. “That’s different.”

“I’m scared too” you whisper.

“But it’s even scarier to feel this way alone while he decides to process his feelings away from me-“

“He ain’t trynna add stress, he’s tryna hold it together for you two-“

“Well it’s not working” you snap back a little harsher than you meant to.

“Sorry” you quickly whisper, Tommy shakes his head assuring you it’s fine.

“Why don’t you get some sleep, it’s late.” You feel his hand at the center of your back as if he’s guiding you in the other direction.

“Yes, I’m gonna sleep. Been feeling extra tired already. Thanks for hearing me”

“Anytime, Uncle Tommy’s always here”

You smile at that before walking off to the bedroom.

~~

It’s almost midnight, Joel walks in exhausted, he drops his backpack at the door before noticing Tommy up in the kitchen.

“What’s got you up?” He asked as he walked past him to the fridge for something to drink.

“Waitin’ for you” Tommy responds with a matter of fact tone. He stands up with an open beer in hand and leans back on the counter.

“Listen, I was talkin’ to your lady earlier and she got real upset-“ Joel instantly turned to him, brows knit together.

“Why? What happened?” An almost defensive tone.

“Look I know you’re scared-“ he looks away as he talks not wanting to face what might’ve been Joel’s reaction.

“Two babies is a heck of a scary thing but she’s scared too man-“

“What she tell you?” Joel puts his drink down, takes a quick glance back at your bedroom door before looking back at Tommy.

“You know I don’t get in the middle, Joel. But she thinks you ain’t happy, that you’re somehow upset with her and-“

“No” Joel instantly began shaking his head.

“I know brother I told her but she ain’t convinced. Look I know you ain’t one for talkin’ but you’re gonna have to.” Joel stood silent, he knew his brother was right. Tommy walked past him and patted him on the shoulder, a touch of assurance, he had faith in his brother.

~~

He pauses outside the bedroom door, hand hovering over the knob. For a second, he considers turning around…’giving you space, waiting until morning,but the thought of you going another night feeling like that… thinking he doesn’t want this… it settles wrong in his bones.

Tommy’s words are still sitting heavy in his chest.

She cried, Joel.

That alone is enough to make something twist deep inside him.

So he opens the door slowly.

You’re asleep, curled slightly on your side, one hand resting unconsciously over your stomach. Even in the low light, he can see the faint tension still lingering in your face, like whatever upset you earlier hasn’t fully let go.

He steps closer, quieter now, like he’s afraid of disturbing something fragile. You look..peaceful. Finally. After days of morning sickness, of barely keeping food down, of exhaustion clinging to you no matter how much you sleep.

He exhales through his nose.

He should wake you. He wants to. Wants to fix it now, explain everything, make sure you never doubt him like that again.But you need the rest.

So instead, he carefully pulls off his boots, sets them aside, and slips into bed behind you.

The mattress dips slightly, and for a moment he freezes,..watching to see if you wake but you only move slightly.

Joel moves closer, slowly, until he’s right behind you. One arm slides around your waist, hesitant at first, then firmer as he pulls you gently against his chest. Protective as if he’s trying to make a point without words.

You make a small sound, barely awake, instinctively leaning back into him. Your hand shifts over your stomach, brushing against his arm.

“…Joel…” you mumble, voice soft and thick with sleep.

His chest aches.

“I’m right here,” he whispers, voice low, close to your ear.

He pulls you in a little closer, pressing his forehead lightly against the back of your head.

“Ain’t goin’ anywhere.”

You relax fully after that, your body melting into his like it’s the most natural thing in the world. Your breathing evens out again, deeper this time.Joel stays awake a while longer, just holding you.

~~

Tommy had already gone, Sarah’s off at school. You’re in the kitchen when Joel walks in, slower than usual, like he’s unsure how to start.

He took the day off. That alone tells you something’s up.

You glance at him, noticing the hesitation in the way he leans against the counter, arms crossing and uncrossing like he can’t settle.

“Everything okay?” you ask gently.

Joel exhales, rubbing a hand over the back of his neck.

“…Tommy told me what happened yesterday.”

There it is.

You look down slightly, your fingers fidgeting with the edge of the counter. “Oh.”

“I didn’t mean to-“you start, but he cuts you off.

“Hey. No.” He shakes his head, stepping closer. “You ain’t gotta explain bein’ upset.” His voice softens.

“I should’ve seen it.”

That makes you look up.

Joel meets your eyes now, fully, no avoiding it.

“I’m happy,” he says, slower this time, like he needs you to really hear it. “About the twins. About…all of it.”

You search his face, trying to reconcile that with how distant he’s been.

“That don’t mean I ain’t thinkin’,” he continues, voice tightening just slightly. “Means I’m thinkin’ more than ever.”

He starts pacing a little, restless energy building.

“Three kids. You. This house. Bills. Food. Safety…” He exhales sharply. “That’s on me. It’s supposed to be.” He nods firmly as if he’s expected to take it without a reaction.

“I gotta make sure you’re all taken care of. Everythin’. That’s my job.”

You step closer to him, your expression softening.

“Joel…”

He shakes his head again, quieter now.

“I know I ain’t been sayin’ much. But that don’t mean I don’t want this.” His voice drops, more vulnerable than usual. “It just means I know what it costs.”

You reach for his hand, grounding him.

“We’re in this together,” you tell him gently. “You don’t have to carry everything by yourself.”

He looks at your hand holding his, then back at you.

“You’re already carrying two babies,” he says, almost immediately. “That’s more than enough.”

There’s an edge of protectiveness there, but also something softer…like admiration, even if he’d never call it that.

You smile just a little, squeezing his hand.

“These babies are going to have the best daddy,” you reply. “And we will both make it work however we need to.”

Joel nods although he isn’t fully convinced but willing.

He pulls you into him after that, one arm wrapping around you carefully, mindful of your stomach.

“I do want this,” he murmurs, quieter now, more certain. “All of it.”

The house was quiet but not the peaceful kind. The kind that pressed in on Joel Miller’s ears until he thought he might crack.

Cars passing and neighbors out on their porch talking hummed just outside the window, yet still it was too quiet. No clink of dishes from the kitchen. No soft humming when you folded laundry. No you.

The divorce papers sat on the kitchen table where he’d left them three weeks ago. He hadn’t had the heart to throw them out or even put them in a drawer.

He told everyone it was for the best.He told Tommy it was mutual.He told Sarah you just “needed some space.”

He lied.

The truth was that he still reached for you in his sleep. He dreamed of you waking him on a Sunday morning like you used to, wearing his shirt, a fresh cup of coffee you’d have made for him.

~~

He hadn’t shaved in days. Work helped..long hours, busted knuckles, something physical to drown out the ache in his chest but nights were brutal. Tonight was worse.

There was a picture frame turned face down on the nightstand. He’d turned it over the day the divorce was finalized. Sometimes he’d stop and stare at the small stupid box you’d left that you kept pushing off to pick up. Hell, he offered to bring it to you, happy that you said no because it meant there was one more reason for you to come by.

For some reason today he flipped the picture back.

You were laughing in it. Head thrown back, sunlight catching your hair, his arm tight around your waist like he was afraid the world might steal you.

Turns out he’d been right to be afraid. Just wrong about the thief. It wasn’t the world. It was him who pushed you away.

~~

That evening Joel went grocery shopping, driving the cart slowly his eyes roaming over frozen pizzas when he heard it. The sound of your voice, his chest tightened.

“Thank you” you must’ve mumbled to someone before you appeared walking out of the aisle. The second you looked up your eyes found him and you froze.

“Joel”, you stood still. He swallowed hard thinking of what to say, his mind going into overdrive. His hair longer than you had ever seen, he looked tired.

“Thought you were a mornin’ shopper” he muttered. You chuckled as your hands tightened on your shopping cart, knuckles turning white.

“Yeah, usually am. Just forgot something.” he stood silent for a moment, taking in the sight of you. It had been three months since he last saw you, you looked the same.

“How’s Sarah?” Your question distracting him.

“Good, she uh-“ just as he spoke he was interrupted by the sound of a man’s voice, a voice he wasn’t familiar with. A tall man appeared beside you, casually placing something in your shopping cart.

“I couldn’t find the chips you wanted but I got the spicy version,”

Spicy.

You didn’t like spicy.

You stood awkwardly as you watched Joel stare at your friend, your friend hadn’t even noticed him. Joel swallowed hard as his eyes found you.

“Good seein’ you,” he muttered low, the hit to his chest too hard to bear, he quickly walked off. The thought of you being with anyone hurt him in a way he had never felt before.

“Joel-“ he had already turned into an aisle, not wanting to face the reality after the divorce. Hell he pushed the cart aside and walked out the supermarket, angry, angry with himself and how things turned out.

~~

It was a lonely Friday night, Sarah was sleeping over at a friend’s house while Tommy was out with a girl. Never really knew when he was coming back but he always did.

He ended up ordering out that night after not getting his frozen pizza from the market. An old movie playing in the background but he wasn’t paying attention to it, his mind continuously wandering off to the sight of you earlier that day.

He needed a drink.

Pouring himself a glass of scotch the sound of someone knocking at the door distracted him. His brows furrowed as he walked towards the door when he looked into the peep hole and saw it was you. He hesitated for a moment before taking a step back and opening the door.

There you were wearing that damn dress he always loved to see you in, he wondered if you were wearing it for that guy you had been shopping with earlier. The thought making his stomach turn.

“Hey..” you whispered hesitantly.

“Called you a couple times..” he looked back at where his phone sat silently on the coffee table.

“Damn thing always giving me trouble, never understand what the hell its doin’”

“Oh” you spoke softly, his eyes drifting back to you as yours lingered at his coffee table.

“Well what is it” his tone stronger than he meant it to be, you looked back at him slightly taken back by it.

“I uh…I came to pick up the box I had left” he took a step back without saying a word and let you in.

“Same spot ya left it in, I’m sure you remember your way around” he muttered, a touch of sarcasm in his voice. You walked in awkwardly, holding your purse close to you for comfort as you walked down the hall of a home you hadn’t stepped inside in months. He waited quietly by the kitchen as you walked to the bedroom, his scent stronger in there as it always was, it was something that once bought you comfort. Quickly you spotted the box and got down on your knees closing it when you looked up and noticed the picture of yourself on his nightstand. It had been moved closer to the edge as if he was taking a closer look at it while in bed.

“Found what you’re lookin’ for?” His voice making you jump. Clearing your throat you stood up with the box in hand.

“Mhm,” he stood at the edge of the doorway, you slowly moved past him, your arm brushing against his chest. Your touch only making it harder for him to let you go, harder for him to accept the new reality. Then he thought of you with that guy earlier and he couldn’t hold himself anymore.

“How long you been seein’ him?” His question stopping you in your tracks, you slowly turned with a puzzled expression.

“Seeing-oh, you’re talking about Max” you raised your brows.

“Oh no, he’s- no-“ you giggled as he stood serious staring at you from across the room.

“Max he’s a coworker of mine. He’s gay, his boyfriend had just dumped him and he just wanted to hang out for a bit and vent.” You noticed the relief look in his eyes, the breath he let out and you stood still. He didn’t say a word, not exactly knowing what to say but one thing he knew for sure was he didn’t want you to leave.

“Well, I uh..better get going-“

“Wanna have a drink?” He blurt out quicker than he meant to. He could see the hesitation in your eyes as he walked towards you, stopping beside the counter. Before you could decide he walked to the cabinet and pulled out your mug, slowly sliding across the counter to your side.

That damn cup.

That was one thing you left behind purposely.

You and him with your assigned mugs, having yours alone would only taunt you of a life you no longer had.

He filled your cup just enough, you watched him take a quick shot of the drink and pour himself another.

“I thought you were slowing down” you spoke softly, he raised his brows as he swallowed.

“Funny how things change, ain’t it?” He didn’t look at you, it almost hurt him to. This had been the first time the two of you were alone together in months, he never felt he had a real conversation about how things ended..the both of you avoiding the truth.

“Sarah’s asked about you” he crossed his arms leaning back as you took a slow slip of your drink. You were never much of a drinker.

“Oh yeah?” A sad smile on your face.

“She misses you” he continued, eyes down on the ground.

He missed you.

He replayed the day over and over in his mind, coming home to a letter on the nightstand, all your stuff gone. Yeah sure, the two of you had argued the night before but that wasn’t new. He remembered the sinking feeling he felt as he read your words.

I can’t do this anymore, nothing feels right anymore.

You could see in that moment his mind was elsewhere, you wondered what he was thinking of. His brows furrowed as he took a deep breath.

“Maybe I’ll see her around sometime” your voice made him suddenly look up, but he wasn’t focused on what you were saying. For the first time Joel had you in front of him, a few feet away, and all he could think of was how he let you down. How he pushed you away and how much you begged him not to.

“I miss you” he whispered as tears formed in his eyes. Your heart pulled at him, of course you missed him too.

“Joel…” you whispered, his body straightened as he began to walk towards you.

“I can’t- I can’t stop thinking about you, baby” his voice hoarse, he walked around the counter towards you.

“Joel, please” your eyes began to tear, his words held a weight on your heart you couldn’t bear.

“I really should go”

“Please don’t go, please” his eyes desperately searching yours. God he looked so broken, part of you just wanted to hold him.

He towered over you, you felt his breath on you as he spoke.

“We’re suppose to be together, we promised each other that-“

“Joel we-“ his hands were suddenly on your waist, delicate yet firm. Your breathing quickened as he leaned toward you.

“Tell me you don’t love me” your brows furrowed a bit confused.

“Tell me you don’t love me and I’ll leave you alone, I won’t say another word-“

“Joel..we’re already divorced-“

“I don’t care what a damn paper says” he snapped back.

“I never stopped lovin’ you, baby” his eyes now tracing your lips, you felt a flutter in you. A flutter in your chest, down to the pit of your stomach as he leaned in closer when reality set back in.

“No” you shoved his hands away taking a step back.

“You don’t get to do this now…not after everything, I’m still putting myself back together” your voice cracked as you spoke.

Joel could see the pain you felt and it crushed him.

“Not after how much I begged you..” you whispered, his eyes widening with tears.

God, you hate that it still hurts.

“I didn’t know how to…” He exhales, dragging a hand over his face. “Just tryin’ to keep up with the damn bills, Sarah, you-“

“And instead,” you cut in, voice tight, “you gave me nothing. No love, no anger, no anything. Just…emptiness.”

His gaze snaps back to you, something raw breaking through. “That’s not true.”

“It is.” Your throat burns, but you don’t stop. “Do you know what it feels like to beg your husband to let you in?”

Joel swallowed hard.

“You didn’t need to see that.” He whispered.

“Yes. Yes I did.”

“I tried, I swear I did” his voice cracked.

“Not enough,” you whisper. “Not when it counted.”

Joel steps closer, hesitant, like you might disappear if he moves too fast. “I’m sorry,” he says, and it sounds different this time. Not defensive. Just…broken. “I’m so damn sorry. I didn’t realize I was losing you until you were already gone.”

Your chest tightens. Of course he didn’t. That’s always been the problem.

“There was a moment,” you say suddenly, the words slipping out before you can stop them. Your heart stutters as soon as they’re in the air. “Before I left.”

He stills. “What moment?”

You hesitate. You shouldn’t say it. It doesn’t change anything.

But it does.

“I thought I was pregnant.”

The silence that follows is deafening.

Joel’s face drains, eyes widening like the ground just dropped out from under him. “You… what?”

“I missed my period. Took a test. It was positive.” You shrug, but it’s forced, brittle. “False positive. I even went to the doctor to double check.”

Joel fights the urge to step forward.

He’s staring at you like he doesn’t recognize you. Like he’s trying to piece together a version of reality he never saw. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

A laugh escapes you, sharp and humorless. “Seriously?”

“I would’ve been there, positive or negative.” he says quickly yet slowly stepping closer again. “You didn’t need to go through that alone”

You meet his eyes, and whatever softness was trying to creep in hardens into something colder. “You weren’t there for me, Joel.”

“I was living with you, sleeping next to you, and I felt completely alone. Why would I tell you something like that when you’d already shut me out of everything else?”

His mouth opens, then closes. There’s no easy answer. There never was.

“I would’ve tried,” he says finally, quieter now. “I would’ve stepped up.”

“You shouldn’t have had to try,” you fire back. “You were my husband. You were supposed to already be there.”

The words hit, and you see it…see them land, see the guilt settle deep in his chest.

For a second, he looks like he’s about to fall apart.

“If you weren’t, I would’ve stood beside you, held you if you needed me to…if you wanted me to. And if you were….I would’ve loved that baby,” he says, voice rough. “I would’ve-“

“I’m glad I wasn’t pregnant.”

The sentence slices through everything.

Joel freezes.

You swallow, forcing yourself to hold his gaze, even as your chest feels like it’s caving in. “Because bringing a child into what we had back then?” You shake your head slowly. “That would’ve been worse.”

His face crumples in that quiet, devastating way that makes it hard to look at him.

“You don’t mean that.”

“I do.” Your voice is softer now, but no less firm. “I wasn’t going to raise a kid in a house where love felt like something we had to dig for.”

Another silence. Longer this time. Final.

Joel exhales shakily, eyes glassy but refusing to let anything fall. “I can fix it,” he says, like he’s clinging to the last piece of hope he’s got. “We can fix it. I’ll do better. I know I can. I’ll do whatever you need me to do.” Joel just wanted you back, in his life, in his arms, in his bed. He couldn’t take it. Your lips parted just as you were about to respond when the sound of the door being unlocked made you both stiffen. You took a deep breath straightening yourself as Tommy walked in humming to himself when he looked up and noticed you standing a few feet away.

“Oh-“ he knew he had just walked in on something.

“Hey Tommy,” you smiled looking away, you bent down to grab the box you had, avoiding any eye contact with either. Joel watched silently.

“Finally came to get this last box” you chuckled as you walked towards the door before you stopped for a moment and turned to Joel.

“Tell Sarah I’ll see her around, take care.” You turned back as you took a deep breath, smiled at Tommy and let yourself out.

Tommy turned back to see his brother staring at the door you had just walked out of. Watching as a piece of his heart had just walked away from him.

“What was that about?” Tommy’s voice distracted Joel, he looked at his little brother as if he had just realized he stepped into the room.

Joel followed you as you rushed up your front porch and into your house.

“Hey!” He called out for you quickly catching up. You paced around the living room throwing your jacket over the couch as he shut the door behind him.

“Hey- wait a minute” he attempted to calm you down, he attempted somehow to fix whatever the hell he thought you figured out.

“I don’t like not remembering anything, I-I..I don’t like being the only one who doesn’t know what’s going on-“ you brushed your hands through your hair shaking your head. Joel only stood and listened to what you had to say, to what you needed to let out.

“I hate that the only thing I can remember is-“ you looked away as tears began to form in your eyes.

“Things I don’t want to remember” you breathed deeply, Joel’s gaze locked onto yours, eyes wide, as if he were trying to read something just beneath the surface of your face. His brows lifted slightly, the corners drawn in, worry settling there like a quiet storm gathering behind his expression. He didn’t say a word, he didn’t know what to say.

“The only good thing around me that I know is you” your words caught him off guard as you walked towards him.

“You’re the only thing I’m certain of that doesn’t make me anxious or unsure and you’ve been so good to me in the short time you’ve been with me” you whispered, his gaze moving back and forth between your lips and eyes as you spoke and moved closer toward him.

“You’ve been so good to me, it’s just…everyone is so confusing..” you whispered looking up at him, his eyes focused now tracing your lips.

In that very moment Joel wanted to pull you in and kiss you deeply but he knew it was wrong. What you were saying wasn’t the truth, he wasn’t something good if you knew it all. A war in that very moment between right and wrong in his head, he couldn’t fight it, especially with the way you looked at him.

“Are you listening to me?” You whispered, something in him that moment just clicked. Whether it was the sound of your voice or the look in your eyes, he didn’t know but unexpectedly he slowly leaned forward, his hand gently caressing your face. Your eyes widened as you noticed the way he stared down at your lips, pausing for just a moment, giving you a chance to stop him. His breath you could feel against your lips.

You didn’t stop him.

Joel closed his eyes as if savoring the moment before it began, gently pressing his lips to yours, careful and full of feeling. The world seemed to pause as your eyes drifted shut, the quiet warmth of the kiss wrapping around you like something delicate, and deeply comforting.

His tongue parting your lips, you felt his hand at the small of your back pull you against him as he kissed you. Your hands resting on his chest before you pushed them up around his neck. You pulled your lips away for just a moment taking a deep breath, his nose brushing against yours, he didn’t want to stop.

He moved slowly, every motion laced with quiet patience. His hands now hovered at your waist, not demanding,waiting for you to invite him in. His eyes searched yours, for permission. When you nodded, a soft exhale slipped past his lips, as if he’d been holding his breath. He held you close kissing you passionately.

You slowly took a step back, not saying a word, Joel didn’t move giving you space..and you did the least expected. Pulling your shirt over your head, you then threw it aside. You stood before him in a black bra, he swallowed hard taking a deep breath, knowing damn well what he was about to do.

“You’re the only thing that doesn’t confuse me” you whispered as you reached behind yourself and unhooked your bra. You could feel your heart beating practically out of your chest. You couldn’t remember the last time a man looked at you this way…or touched you, on your terms.

You let the bra drop.

Joel’s eyes darkened at the sight of your bare breasts, aching to touch them, aching to feel you.

When he did step forward, he slowly removed his jacket, his eyes never leaving yours. His fingers brushed your skin at your waist, it was like he was memorizing it,soft strokes, light as whispers. His hold on your waist tightening as he kissed you again,warm and deliberate, mapping a trail down to the hollow of your neck. You tensed for a heartbeat, and he stopped, he didn’t move until he felt you soften up against him again.

“I’ve got you,” he whispered, voice low and steady, his forehead resting gently against yours.

You nodded again, more surely this time. Your hand reached for his, placing them onto the button of your pants.

“Take them off me” you whispered. He did just as you asked and watched you close your eyes as he pulled them down to your ankles. His breath warm against your thigh till you felt the flutter of his facial hair against you. He kissed your thighs slowly until he reached your most sensitive area. He felt you tremble, you squeezed your eyes shut.

“Joel-“

“Look at me” his voice rough, direct. You did as he asked and took a deep breath before feeling his lips land on your core. Your knees almost buckled, you held onto the wall, you felt him slightly lift up your leg and drape it over his shoulder. His hot breath now connecting to your wetness, until you felt his tongue. Your hips jerked as you gasped, Joel’s grasp on you tightening as he balanced you on him.

He knew it wasn’t right, every part of him screamed it..but the fire inside him was louder. The lust had taken over, raw and blinding, tangled up with something deeper, something real. His feelings for you had long crossed the line of control, and now they ruled him completely. In that moment, with your breath hitching and your eyes pulling him in, nothing else mattered. He needed to touch you, taste you, lose himself in you. All he could think about was making you feel good…aching to worship every inch of you.

His tongue pushing you to heights of ecstasy you never thought you’d feel again, just as a moan escaped your lips, shocking yourself. Yet, he could still feel you holding back.

“You still with me?” His voice a rough whisper.

Your body lightly trembled with excitement. And with every touch you allowed, you answered: Yes.

He could tell your body was on the edge of an orgasm. Each flick of his tongue he had to balance you more firmly, his hands on you tightly. Yet, he knew you kept fighting the orgasm, something your body became too used to doing.

You weren’t exactly sure how to let yourself simply be, but you wanted to so badly.

You gasped for air as Joel stood up, your body still trembling.

“I’m sorry” you whispered.

“Don’t be” he kissed you as he began to remove the rest of his clothes before guiding you to the bedroom.

His lips keeping you at ease kissing you gently against your neck before he lay you back on the bed.

Trying not to think too much into what you felt, you let him place himself over you. His legs spreading yours, his eyes filled with hunger as he felt himself at your entrance.

From the first moment you felt him enter you, your breath caught, nails digging into his back. His eyes drinking you in as you threw your head back in a moan.

“Look at me” he whispered, and when you did as he asked, there he was appreciating the sight of you in every way he could. Each thrust bringing you closer together, the first time you felt safe being touched by a man. His hands couldn’t get enough of you. Roaming down to your thighs, up to your waist, every inch of you feeling worshiped by him. A ball of pleasure slowly building up in the pit of your stomach.

“Joel-“ you choked out.

He knew.

“It’s alright, baby, let it go” his voice deep and smooth, it made you melt.

“Joel..” you whimpered on edge, he felt you tightening up around him.

“Come on, cum for me, baby’” he moved faster. Your eyes squeezed shut as a rush of unexplainable pleasure ran through your body down to your toes. Grabbing onto him you cried out as he thrusted harder making the pleasure that much more intense. You couldn’t take it, you screamed in relief as Joel watched you, hypnotized with the look in your eyes.

“That’s it, baby…there it is..” he whispered, but you couldn’t hear him, your eyes in a daze as your body sunk back into the bed. You hadn’t even noticed his face changed just as he felt himself about to burst.

“Jesus-“ he whispered to himself as his body tensed up, he abruptly rolled over onto his back and jerked himself off, his moan taking over the room. He looked down watching as cum spilled out of him, he panted loudly before throwing his head back and laying flat. The both of you panting, you didn’t move, he couldn’t. After a moment he turned over to find you staring at him in awe.

“You alright?” He whispered.

You nodded before staring back at the ceiling in silence.

~~

Joel ended up staying the night.

He found himself waking up in the middle of the night to find you nuzzled up against his chest. You seemed so peaceful, you seemed at ease. In that moment guilt slowing creeping up the pit of his stomach. His soft gaze turning to disappointment within himself. He couldn’t look at you, quickly turning away he stared off into the dark room and took a deep breath.

What the hell was he thinking, he dug himself in too deep. He never planned for this to go this far, he swore he didn’t. A soft sound escaped your lips distracting him from his thoughts, he quickly looked down at you to see you nuzzle up closer to him, your hand flat on his bare chest.

The next morning you woke up alone in bed, a moment from the night before flashing in your mind before you sat up with a sigh.

“Joel?” you called out but didn’t hear a thing.

~~

Buttoning your shirt you made your way downstairs hearing some movement. Once you made your way to the kitchen Joel was on the floor, a hammer beside him as he wiggled your stool around.

“Joel?” You frowned confused, he quickly looked up and pushed himself off the floor.

“Thought I’d straighten that stool of yours out,” he sounded somewhat pleased with himself. Truth be told he needed something to distract him, something to keep him busy from what his true thoughts.

“It ain’t leanin’ side to side no more, come check it out” he motioned for you to sit in the chair, awkwardly you stepped towards him and sat down.

“Thank you” you smiled, his smile slowly fading the more he looked down at you, those damn eyes of yours pulling him in when he was suppose to be doing the damn opposite. You stood up and walked towards him, he didn’t move. Gently you planted a kiss on his cheek, he closed his eyes breathing in deeply, feeling the softness of your lips on him, your hand brushing up his chest. He wanted you in that very moment, his body yearning to feel himself in you again before he snapped himself out of it.

“Gotta get goin’” he whispered, his eyes opened yet he looked away from you.

“Tommy’s waitin’ on me” he continued, you pulled back slowly and nodded.

“Of course” you whispered, for just a moment he looked back at you, the confused look in your eyes crushing him before he abruptly walked away. Joel walked out of your house, eyes focused on the ground as he walked towards the barn. Distracted with his thoughts he didn’t know he was being watched, Jesse and Ellie both catching him leaving your house bright and early, they looked at each other but didn’t say a word.

~~

“Mornin’ Joel” Tommy greeted his brother as he walked in the barn but quickly noticed his expression. Tommy’s brows furrowed as his brother silently got to work.

“You alright?” Tommy’s question making Joel finally look up.

“Yeah”

Tommy wasn’t convinced.

“Still stayin’ with her?” Joel looked down distracting himself with work and nodded.

“Mhm” Tommy could see it in his brother, it was turning into something much deeper than he had ever intended.

“Look-“ Tommy walked up to him.

“I ain’t trynna get in the middle, just think it’s best you distance yourself before you get caught up more than you already have” Joel looked up directly at him, that look alone gave it away.

“Geez, Joel..don’t tell me-“

“I didn’t plan it” Joel looked away in shame.

“We’ve just been-“

“Too damn attached to each other. I knew this would happen. Shit, Joel she ain’t in the right state of mind for that. That’s only gonna confuse her more-“

“You don’t think I know that!” Joel snapped at his brother, Tommy took a deep breath.

“Look..all I’m sayin’ is..this ain’t good..”

Joel looked away rubbing the back of his neck when suddenly the doors opened.

Joel stood at the head of the room beside Tommy, the young boys and girls distracted speaking to each other as Tommy prepped the weapons. He looked up at Joel and noticed the uneasy look in his eyes.

“You alright?” Joel looked over at him straightening his shoulders.

“Yeah” Tommy stayed looking at him not convinced.

“What do you know about that Marshall guy?”

“No more than you do. Ain’t you the one who seen him around” Tommy responded as he put down a blade.

“Just once, while ago. Traded some things with a group he was with, don’t know anything else.”

“Why you askin’?” Tommy raised a brow. He could see the protective look in his brother’s eye a mile away.

“Somethin’ with his mom?” He looked toward Anthony.

“She ain’t tellin’ me” Joel responded low before one of the kids interrupted.

“So we shootin’ guns today or what?!” An older boy stood up with excitement.

“Not so fast Mikey, gotta learn about all of our options first. It’s only day one, we’ll see for our second class” the sound of the kids groaning in disappointment filled the background as Joel stood distracted staring out the window.

“Where is he now?” He turned back to his brother.

“Put him to work with Jesse by the entrance. Wanna see how he works” Joel didn’t say a word as he looked back at his son Anthony.

~~

The house was quiet, apart of you liked it that way. You never really had a chance to be alone, always having your son by your side, it was nice having Joel’s help. Turning the page to your favorite book you heard a knock on the door. You weren’t expecting anyone and so you quietly walked to the door and looked into the peep hole.

It was Marshall.

Your heart stopped.

“I know you’re home” the sound of his voice triggering memories you didn’t even know you still had. Marshall never hurt you, at least not in the most obvious way..it was a conflicting feeling.

“Just wanted to say hi is all” you took a deep breath and hesitantly turned the door knob to see Marshall standing before you. His eyes immediately eyeing you from head to toe. He looked older yet still the same.

“Look like you seen a ghost” he chuckled.

“No-I-I-“

“I get it. It’s been a while.” You stood silent, didn’t move.

“Saw you earlier but you seemed to be caught up with Anthony. How’s he doing by the way?”

“He’s good” you spoke cautiously.

“Good to hear…I remember how much I helped you with him.” He smiled. You nodded silently.

He studied you for a moment as he bit his bottom lip.

“You remember that don’t you?” he took a sudden step forward but you couldn’t move. His fingers gently brushing a strand of hair behind your ear.

“You were such a good woman to me, of course I was good to you” he whispered.

The memories you had of Marshall weren’t violent. He had such a way of manipulating your mind, making himself to be this grand man who was so helpful and loving…

“Well, I better get going. I’ll be seeing you around, probably see your friend Joel later. Decent guy when I met him few years ago.” Your eyes shot up to him but before you could say a word Marshall leaned in, kissed your forehead and left the house.

~~

The hour had gone by, you hadn’t done much of anything after Marshall left. You sat in your chair staring off into space remembering the year you spent with him. You soon heard Anthony’s laughter coming from the front porch, you quickly stood up taking a deep breath and met them at the front door.

“Hopefully we get to shoot next time” Anthony sighed as he walked in with Joel.

“No shooting?” You raised a brow, a look of relief you couldn’t hide.

“No, we had to learn about each weapon first” he rolled his eyes.

“Well, can’t say I’m against that. Why don’t you clean up and get ready for dinner” Joel and you watched him go up the stairs.

“Doin’ alright?” Joel spoke carefully turning back to you, you looked back at him and took a deep breath.

“Me? Of course, why wouldn’t I be?” you chuckled awkwardly, he wasn’t falling for it. Casually you turned back to the kitchen as he slowly followed.

“Before you seemed-“

“I overreacted” you shrugged as you pulled out plates from the cabinet.

“I don’t think you did” he responded unexpectedly. You stood in place stopping before the counter but didn’t turn back, Joel couldn’t help but ask the obvious. His hands in his pockets he blurt out what he truly wanted to know.

“That man hurt you?”

“No!” You quickly turned back to him.

“No, never. He really didn’t” Joel’s brows furrowed, trying to understand you, trying to read your eyes. He stood by the doorway not moving any closer.

“He wasn’t bad to me, I guess I just freaked out because it was a time that was so uncertain in our lives and I didn’t want to remember that.” He stood silent, you could read the doubt in his expression.

“He didn’t do anything wrong. We had an agreement-“

“What kind of agreement?” His tone slightly defensive.

“He gave Anthony everything he needed-“

“What. Kind. Of. Agreement?” He asked slowly taking a few step forward. He remembered what you had expressed the first time you two spoke. He noticed you become slightly uncomfortable as you began to serve food on a plate.

“I just… I just had to keep him happy, it was…my job.”

You spoke without looking at him yet you could feel his eyes burning a hole in you. His breathing growing slightly heavier.

“And if you didn’t?” Silence followed as you slowly looked up at him.

“That wasn’t an option” you almost whispered. You could see the anger growing in him with what he learned, the man who did this to you now staying in this very same town.

“But it’s fine,” you quickly smiled trying to ease his anger.

“Anthony was well taken care of and-“ he began to shake his head.

“No, no that ain’t right. You know that” he didn’t understand this sudden change of emotion you had towards Marshall. He walked towards you closing the distance, you seemed to not be able to look him in the eye.

“Joel..” you sighed crossing your arms as you took a step back leaning against the counter.

“He…he wasn’t bad to us” he could see the doubt in your eyes as you spoke. He shook his head looking down at the ground.

“It ain’t right” he responded low.

“He helped us-“

“He raped you” he looked up, his words cutting you like a blade. Your body flinching at the word he used, you suddenly smacked him across the face without thinking. Joel barely moved, you stunned yourself with your reaction, your hand covering your mouth. It made sense now, he realized. Your reactions, your words, you hadn’t come to terms yet with what exactly you went through. The last thing Joel wanted to do was upset you, he took a step back silently.

He didn’t say a word, anger running through him but not towards you.

“Get out” you whispered.

He swallowed hard slowly looking up at you. He could see the broken, confused look in your eyes…the denial. He stood silent for a moment before he turned away and let himself out. You felt stupid, confused, he didn’t deserve that, he didn’t deserve it one bit.

~~

The cold air hitting him as he walked out made him stop for a moment, he closed his eyes and took a deep breath when a familiar voice called out for him.

“Never thought I’d see you again” of course it was none other than Marshall, standing too damn close to where you and Anthony lived, Joel instantly became guarded. He didn’t say anything for a moment as Marshall took a step closer to him, his eyes drifting to the house behind Joel.

“She a nice woman isn’t she” He smirked.

“Not bad on the eyes either” he continued.

“You lookin’ for somethin’?” Joel asked. Marshall’s expression changed as he took a step closer.

“Just wanted to catch up with an old friend, she seemed a bit distracted when I came by earlier” he noticed Joel’s eyes darken and chuckled.

He was there, he had shown up to you while you were alone, probably adding more confusion than you already had. Manipulating you the way he knew how to.

“She didn’t tell you? Well, hey I don’t blame her, acted like she saw a damn ghost when she opened the door” he laughed. Joel was silent, brows furrowed, carefully observing him when the sound of your voice distracted both men.

“Joel!” Your voice made him turn back quickly, You stood by your door, closing your sweater around you tightly, you seemed uneasy.

“You forgot Tommy’s book!” you called out to him.

“Better go get that book” Marshall muttered. Joel glared back at him before walking towards you, you breathed in relief watching Marshall walk off.

Joel played along knowing damn well there was no damn book he forgot. You took a step back allowing him inside and quietly walked into your living room as he followed. He could tell you wanted to say something but you couldn’t find the words to say.

“He was here” Joel finally broke the silence as you turned to him.

“Yes and I knew he was going to come back now if I didn’t call you-“

“What did he say to you?” He walked towards you, his eyes reading you heavily. You quickly shook your head “he just said he wanted to say hi,” you awkwardly looked away before continuing.

“He asked for Anthony.” That was enough to trigger something in Joel, as if him showing up here with you alone wasn’t enough.

“The hell you mean he asked for Anthony?” He asked low.

“He just asked casually, he-“ before you could continue the sound of a door opening stopped you both. Anthony stepped out to see you both in what looked like a tense conversation. Joel instantly took a step back looking down.

“Dinner almost ready mom?”

“Yes, honey. You can come eat now” you quickly walked past Joel towards the kitchen to set the plates on the table. Without asking you set Joel a plate, you didn’t look up but you heard him follow your son to the table. Joel kept his eyes on you subtly as you served them

at the table, he stood up at one point helping you bring the last dishes in. You still wouldn’t look at him, Anthony began conversation with him allowing you to breathe.

“You ok mom?” Anthony’s unexpected question made you look up.

“Yes, of course.” You smiled but you could tell he wasn’t convinced. Both of their eyes on you made you unsure what to do with yourself you quickly excused yourself to the restroom.

“What were you and my mom talking about?”

Joel cleared his throat unsure of what to say.

“Just some stuff about tomorrow’s work on the barn,” Anthony was a smart kid and Joel knew it. He saw right through it.

“Is it about that guy that just got to Jackson?”

Joel did a double take at Anthony, wiping his mouth with a napkin, pausing before he continued.

“What makes you think that?”

“She acted like this when we lived with him, I remember a little bit. I don’t like seeing my mom upset” he looked down at his food taking a bite. Joel stared at him for a moment, his fist on the table before him as he listened to what Anthony had to say.

“You’re protective of your mama. That’s good.” Anthony looked up at him.

“But I promise you, I won’t let anything hurt you or your mama. You don’t have to worry, kiddo” Anthony silently nodded just as you came back to the table, you noticed the expression on Joel’s face and wondered what was being said.

“Everything ok?” You asked softly as you sat down.

“Yeah mom” he smiled and continued to eat his food.

Once dinner was finished both of them helped you clear the table, Joel began washing the dishes as Anthony passed him the plates.

“You know, I like having you around, Joel” you looked up from the table as you wiped it down, you watched as Joel looked over at him and smiled.

“I like it too, kiddo” you smiled watching them both interact, you knew Anthony needed to know the truth sooner or later..

~~

Anthony was in his room as Joel headed toward the front door, he turned to you about to speak before you cut him off.

“I’m sorry about earlier” you whispered.

Joel remained silent, hands in his pocket he gave you a nod.

“Can I ask you something?” You asked softly.

“Course”

“Marshall said he knew you from before and-“ before you could finish Joel was shaking his head.

“I wasn’t apart of anything he did, I didn’t know what he was doin’, it was a simple trade.”

Of course Joel wasn’t apart of that, that wasn’t him. There was a silence that followed before Joel looked up the stairs.

“He’s worried about you,” you quickly looked up at him.

“He’s a smart boy, he sees a lot”

“I know.” Joel didn’t say another word, he took a step back slowly turning toward the door, you thanked him and watched as he walked out front.

~~

The next day out on the town with Anthony, you noticed the men working together. Joel and Tommy beside each other with there backs to you, Marshall was on the other side talking with two of the guys. Quickly you looked away just as he looked up. Marshall watched as you continued to walk with Anthony beside you, Joel was distracted hearing Tommy talk until he noticed Marshall’s eyes follow you.

“Hey, kid-“ Marshall motioned toward Jesse still not taking his eyes off you.

“Yeah?”

“You know that woman over there?” Joel watched as he motioned towards you.

“Yeah, why?” Jesse asked raising his brow.

“You know if she’s staying with anyone by any chance?”Joel turned himself completely toward Marshall, shoulders stiffening, jaw tight. Tommy stopped mid sentence when he saw his brother’s whole posture change.

Jesse blinked, looking between the two men. “Uh… I mean, she lives with her kid. That’s it. Why?”

Marshall shrugged casually, though his eyes were anything but. “Just making conversation. Figured maybe she finally got someone to keep her warm at night.” He smirked, tapping Jesse’s arm like it was a harmless joke.

Joel stepped forward before Jesse could respond, his voice low and edged.

“Ain’t really your business who she’s with.”

Marshall lifted a brow, amused. “Didn’t know you were volunteerin’, Miller.”

Tommy cut in, trying to keep things steady. “Alright, we’re workin’ here—”

But Marshall wasn’t finished. He shifted his weight, arms crossing over his chest. “Unless you’re tellin’ me she is with someone,” he said, eyes narrowing. “’Cause where I come from, a woman left on her own… well, people step in to help.” The emphasis on “help” made Joel’s stomach twist.

“Might just have to keep an eye on her after all, you know…just to make sure she’s doing alright.”

“They’re doin’ just fine.” Joel’s eyes darkened, a threatening glare.

Jesse looked uncomfortable now. “I think I’m gonna… go check the patrol roster,” he muttered, backing away.

Marshall watched you and Anthony cross over to their side, distracted laughing with a woman from town as both your sons played together.

“Shame, though. Last time I saw her, she needed lookin’ after. I did what I could.”

Joel’s nostrils flared. He remembered exactly what “lookin’ after” meant in Marshall’s mouth because you’d told him.

Joel took a slow step forward until he was right in front of Marshall.

“She don’t need nothin’ from you.”

Marshall scoffed. “Funny. You talk like you got a claim.”

Joel’s eyes flicked instinctively toward Anthony..your son who was laughing with another young boy. Joel felt something sharp lodge in his chest. That’s when you looked up and noticed the two men in a clear verbal confrontation. The smile fading from your lips, you took a step forward beside Anthony. For just a second Joel locked eyes with you before looking at Anthony and for his sake he took a step back, his eyes softening. Marshall chuckled and looked back at you, you quickly looked away but it was too late.

“Hey, Anthony!” Marshall’s voice called out, Joel instantly stepped forward.

You stepped forward beside your son grabbing his hand.

“You ok, mom?”

“Yeah, honey I’m fine” you assured him with a smile just as Marshall’s voice cut back in.

“It’s been a while” he walked towards you, Joel instantly followed.

“Yeah, I remember” Anthony responded with a nod.

“Why don’t you two get goin’ I’ll meet you back at the house” Joel cut in making Marshall chuckle.

“What’s the matter, Miller? Just catching up with an old friend. Surely she remembers how good I was to her and her son” he looked down at Anthony with a smile.

“Treated him like if he was my own boy”

“But he ain’t” Joel spoke coldly, the two men stared at each other in tense silence until Tommy appeared. A breath of relief as he stood between the two men, you took a step back with Anthony.

“Come on, Anthony. Let’s get going-“

“But what about Johnny?” He looked back at the young boy he was just playing with.

“We’ll come back out in a bit” you assured him as you smiled at the boys mother before rushing off. Marshall turned watching you leave just as Tommy distracted him, ordering him to work with Jesse. He turned to Joel with a grin before walking off.

~~

Anthony had a lot of questions, many of which he felt wouldn’t get answered. He watched plenty of men take advantage of you, he was a child but he put things together very easily as time went on. He felt Joel and Tommy were the first men to help without expecting something in return, the only times you didn’t seem under stress around a man. Quietly he went to his room as you sat alone lost in your thoughts when the sound of a knock made you jump.

“It’s me” before you even looked through the peephole the sound of Joel’s voice calmed you down. Once you opened the door you noticed his tense expression, you took a step back letting him walk in and quickly locked the door.

“Where’s Anthony?” He asked turning to you.

“In his room, why?” Joel looked around the house placing his hands on his waist before his dark big worried eyes fell back on you.

“I don’t want you stayin’ here alone” you looked at him confused as he continued.

“I’ll stay with you here for just the time being, I’ll stay in the attic, outta your way, you won’t even know I’m here-“ he spoke quickly.

“Joel” he could tell you were about to go against his suggestion, he stepped towards you closing the distance.

“He’s watching you, he’s watching you and Anthony and I can’t have that-“

“Joel, we do not need a babysitter-“

“Mom, just let him” Anthony’s voice caught you both by surprise.

“Anthony-“ you whispered with a sigh.

“Mom, I see how you are when Joel comes over. You trust him, he’s not like the other guys we been around. He doesn’t want anything but to help us…just let him” you were surprised by how much Anthony had been aware of. It was almost embarrassing. Joel stood silent as Anthony looked up at him and gave him a nod of approval.

“Fine” you whispered.

“Just for a couple days” you gave in, Joel nodded and looked over at Anthony just as he patted his back.

~~

That night Joel walked by each window and looked outside, you could tell he was making sure all was locked properly. Anthony said goodnight to Joel before walking up to his bedroom. The living room was dim, you stood by the door watching as he looked out the window.

“Going to bed anytime soon?” He turned to look at you.

“Think I might stay here a little bit, feel better being the first one by the door” he explained.

“So you’re gonna sleep on my rough couch?” You chuckled.

“I’ve been on worse, I’ll be fine” he assured you. You stood silent unsure of what to say, you knew you couldn’t stay with him but a part of you didn’t want to leave just yet.

“Can I ask you somethin’?” His question distracting you from your thoughts.

“Sure” he leaned back against the wall, hands in his pockets.

“Did your daddy know? About…-“ his eyes drifted to your stomach before back to your eyes.

“No” you quickly responded.

“It all happened fast…I found out two days before everything happened. I saw you one day coming out of your truck-“

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I don’t know, I didn’t know how you’d react-“

“You would’ve never been alone, whether your daddy knew or he didn’t. I wouldn’t have left you” you nodded looking down as you took a deep breath. Joel looked back out the window, not saying much else.

“We both were avoiding each other” you blurt out as you walked towards him, he looked back at you awkwardly.

“You know it. After what we did we couldn’t even look at each other, you weren’t coming over anymore” you stopped right before him. A look of guilt flashed in his eyes.

“I knew it’d happen again” he responded bluntly in a low voice.

“It wasn’t right, felt like I was betrayin’ a friend” he looked to the side as the memories began to flood his mind.

He remembered that night vividly, how it rained heavily as he practically dragged your father inside. He remembered the way you opened the door worried immediately asking him where he’d been. Your father insulting you, calling you names as he barely dragged his feet to this bedroom.

“Don’t take it out on her” Joel snapped at him. You stood silent, embarrassed, belittled by your own father. He didn’t listen to Joel, yelled at you again before pushing a glass vase off the coffee table beside him. You flinched as it loudly crashed onto the floor.

“The hell is wrong with you?! Enough!” Joel yelled as he pulled him to his room. You could still hear him mumbling to himself speaking of you. Tears welled up in your eyes as you began to clean up the glass from the floor. After a few minutes Joel foot steps could be heard coming back down the hall.

“He’s out” he took a deep breath staring at you for a moment as you threw the glass away.

“Isn’t he always” you whispered without looking up at him.

“Look, he don’t mean what he says. You know none of it’s true-“

“Oh he means it” you chuckled sarcastically. Joel could tell you were holding in your tears, your throating stinging as you took a deep breath.

“I just don’t get why he thinks of me that way, this isn’t what I came back from college for” you looked away feeling a tear fall from your eye. You quickly wiped it away but Joel noticed, his expression changing.

“I feel so stupid” you began to cry, Joel walked towards you but you took a step back.

“It’s alright, C’mere” he reached his hand out to you as you awkwardly took it and let him pull you in.

“You ain’t stupid,” he whispered as you cried into his chest.

“You ain’t nothin’ he said. I promise you that” your breathing slowed down. It was nice being comforted for once, it was nice being defended from your father.

For once you didn’t feel alone.

Slowly you had looked up at him, his hair slick back wet from the rain, his dark eyes searched your features reading into you when he noticed your gaze were on his lips. It all happened so quickly, next thing he knew he felt a sudden urge he couldn’t ignore and you took a risk. Slowly you had tip toed and gently pressed your lips on his. Neither of you could pinpoint exactly what it was, but next thing you knew, he had you up against the wall. Before you could even realize what the hell you were doing, he was inside you. Your bodies together as one, the two of you knocking things over you gasped looking down the hallway in the direction your father was in.

“He’s out-“ he kissed your neck assuring you not to worry. He was right but any thought was outweighed by the rush you felt in that moment. His hips thrusting into you, his body pushing you up against the wall.

“Turn me around” you whispered, he didn’t waste a second more. Joel blinded by the pleasure he felt did as you asked and that’s when it felt more intense. Both of you still with half your clothes on, moving quickly. His hands tightening on your waist he slammed himself into you feeling you cum. You whimpered and moaned begging for more until Joel couldn’t take it any longer and that’s when-

“Joel?” He suddenly snapped out of his thoughts realizing you were still standing right in front of him. Realizing he was now hard but his jeans held down his arousal. He cleared his throat turning away but you got closer.

“What were you thinking about?”

“Nothin’” he responded defensively looking out the window. You walked up beside him looking out the window as well when he suddenly felt your hand gently grab his crotch. His jeans didn’t hide his thick outline enough. He swallowed hard not looking your way, your hand moving in a motion that made it hard for him to breathe. He tried to fight it, he tried to turn away but instead he grabbed you and pulled you against him, he kissed you. He held your body against him, one hand brushing into your hair roughly-

“Joel?!” Anthony’s voice made you quickly pull away and fix your hair. Joel breathlessly turned away speechless.

“What are you doing?” Anthony seemed so confused, hurt even.

“Anthony, baby” you walked towards him but he took a step back.

“You’re doing this again?”

“No, it’s not-“

“It’s true what the other kids said about you,” you furrowed your brows as he took another step back toward the door.

“You’re a prostitute”

“Hey!” Joel suddenly yelled loudly.

“What?” You whispered almost in shock with your son’s words.

“Sleeping with guys just so you can get something out of it, think I don’t know-“

“No, honey, it’s not like that-“

“And you, Joel” he turned to him with a look of disappointment.

“I thought you’d be the only one to not use my mom like that..” Joel began shaking his head.

“It ain’t what you think-“

“You’re all the same” Anthony spoke as he turned toward the door and walked out.

“Anthony it’s late! Where are you going?!” You rushed towards the door but Joel stopped you in your tracks.

“I got him, you stay inside. Lock the doors, I’ll be right back” Joel grabbed his coat and walked out as you watched him rush to catch up with your son. There was no one else out, it was dark, not many lights on, it made you nervous. You quickly did as Joel said and locked the door shut.

“Hey! Slow down” Joel called out to Anthony who kept walking.

“Anthony!” His voice deep and loud making the boy stop in his tracks but still he wouldn’t turn to him.

“I trusted you to be better, you’re the same as Marshall and the rest of them-“

“No! It ain’t the same-“ he turned Anthony toward him.

“So why were you kissing my mother. You offered to stay to help keep watch and suddenly you’re kissing her, that’s all you wanted.”

“No dammit, it’s more complicated than that” Joel grew frustrated knowing what he knew, debating in his mind if he should just tell the truth.

“How complicated could it be? You see woman alone with her son who obviously needs help and you took advantage, just like Alex did, just like Marshall did, just like-“

“Anthony, dammit I’m your father!” He blurt out in the blistering cold. Anthony stared up at him in shock, eyes full of questions.

“I’m your father” he repeated in a whisper almost as if he was trying to convince himself.

“No-“ Anthony shook his head.

“He died, mom and him-“ Joel began abruptly pulling off his glove and grabbed his son’s hand and pointed out the matching birth marks they each had. Anthony silently stared down at the marks on each hand, Joel’s large rough hand beside his.

“I ain’t lyin’ to you” his eyes desperate, Anthony still silent until his gaze softened as if in that moment something finally clicked for him.

“I know you might be upset that we didn’t tell you right away but your mama is very protective of you…rightfully so.” Joel explained still on edge, anxiously awaiting Anthony’s reaction. But in that moment his son surprised him, he looked up into his eyes and for just a moment he saw Sarah in his eyes, a look she used to give him whenever she would randomly reach up and hug him. His chest tightened.

“So you’re my dad” Anthony spoke softly, Joel’s eyes slightly tearing up. He nodded before he spoke.

“Mhm,” he paused looking down at him.

“And if you need space you just say the word, if you’re upset you…just don’t take it out on your mama. She doesn’t deserve it. She-“ unexpectedly Anthony ran into Joel, his arms closing around him. Joel froze, not expecting this reaction, almost in disbelief. Anthony didn’t say a word and just held onto him, Joel swallowed hard and slowly wrapped his arms around his son taking in the moment. There wasn’t much words but Joel knew many questions would come soon, till then he looked back in the direction of your house and looked down at Anthony.

“Should get you back home, your mama is worried. It’s late” Anthony nodded in agreement and followed his father on the walk home.

The walk back to the house Anthony kept looking over at Joel, a mixture of different feelings he couldn’t fully understand. There was a form of relief, the closeness he already felt with Joel, he always felt there was something different about it.

~~

It felt like hours had passed as you stood by the door anxiously looking outside. It was dark out, not much you could see. You hoped Anthony hadn’t ran off far, the thought only making you more anxious. You paced back and forth in the room before finally grabbing your keys and coat, walking out in the late night cool air.

The concern you felt for your son outweighed any doubt you felt about walking out into the dark. Walking straight out your front door, you hadn’t even reached the gate when you heard your name.

It was Marshall.

You stopped in your tracks looking up at him as he slowly made his way to your front gate.

“What brings you out at this hour?”

You couldn’t find the words to say, you swallowed hard as you looked past him into the dark road. He followed your eyes and looked back before turning to you with a chuckle as he made his way towards you.

“Not thinking of walking this dark road alone are you?”

“I uh-“

“Where’s Anthony?” He asked curiously as you reached behind you to open the door.

“He’s um-“

“Should get you back inside,” his hand unexpectedly followed yours turning the door knob. He stood still looking down at you for a moment before motioning for you to step back into the house. In that very moment you regretted not listening to Joel, the panic of a mother taking over you.

“I’m fine, Marshall” you spoke as confident as you could but your eyes didn’t match.

“I just wanna make sure” he smiled, the same non genuine smiled he always used. You took a step back as he let himself in, your heart racing as he closed the door behind him.

~~

Joel and Anthony walked back together towards the house. Silently he kept looking back over at his son wondering what was going through his mind until he looked up, and that’s when he saw it. Through your living room window Marshall could be seen across from you. Joel stopped in his tracks just as he put his hand on Anthony’s chest stopping him from moving.

“What happened?” Anthony asked confused as Joel looked over at him.

“Go to Tommy’s”

“What? Why?”

“Just do as I say,” Joel spoke firmly.

“Go on” he motioned towards Tommy’s house and watched him walk to it. He waited until Tommy opened the door probably confused to see Anthony there but once he let him in, Joel continued walking.

~~

“You don’t have to be here, Marshall” you spoke awkwardly, hoping he’d leave.

“Can’t leave you here by yourself” he responded with a shrug when the door swung open letting in the cold air. Joel walked in glaring straight at Marshall, you stood up anxiously wondering where Anthony was.

“Joel-“

He looked over at you first, a nod as if assuring that you were ok. His expression instantly changing as he looked back at Marshall.

“The hell you doin’ here?”

“Hey, I was just making sure she was ok. Caught her trying to head out in these late hours-“ Joel looked back at you.

“I was worried..” you whispered.

“Lucky she ran into me…you know..she could’ve ran into the wrong person.” Marshall spoke with a sickening tone as Joel made his way around and stood before you, blocking his view of you.

“You can leave now.” Joel stood up straight, guarded. Marshall smiled and sighed loudly.

“Guess my job here is done, gotta keep an eye on her. I was always good at that” he muttered as he took slow steps backwards before fully turning to the door. You could see how tense Joel felt, his hands balled into fists at his sides as he watched Marshall leave. Joel instantly turned to you, his eyes eagerly looking over you.

“You alright? He touch you?”

“No-no-“

“You sure?” He asked looking into your eyes desperately, his hand reaching your chin tilting it up towards him.

“Yes-“

“How the hell he get in here, I told you to stay inside”

“I couldn’t wait any longer! Where’s Anthony? Is he ok?”

“He’s fine,” his expression softening at the mention of Anthony. “He’s at Tommy’s, he’s safe” you sighed in relief, your hand over your heart. Joel stared at you silently for a moment unsure of how to say it, almost afraid to. You looked up at him and could see the uncertainty in his eyes.

“What? What is it?” Your eyes widened, your anxiety taking over you again. Joel didn’t speak for a moment, unsure of how’d you react.

“Joel?” You whispered.

“I told him” he blurt out low. You stood still and breathed slowly waiting to hear the worst.

“He…he ain’t mad..he’s..alright..I mean as alright as he can be..” Joel spoke as if he himself couldn’t believe it.

“I know you wanted to wait and I know you wanted to be there but-“ you suddenly interrupted him by taking hold of his face and placing your lips on his. His eyes open, confused, your touch sudden but still gentle. You slowly pulled back, your hands still on him as he looked down at you.

“I trust you,” you whispered.

Joel let out a deep breath gently resting his forehead on yours.

“Tomorrow we’ll talk, all 3 of us. We’ll figure it out..” you whispered. Joel nodded before his expression changed, his eyes focused.

“He needs to leave” he spoke low. You nodded but before you could say a word Joel continued.

“I mean it. I can’t have him near you and Anthony.” You knew he meant every word he said, you just didn’t know how far he’d go.

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