jmyourstruly

A LETTER TO MINATOZAKI SANA

I wrote this letter not to cause any issue, commotion, or anything that may hurt someone. I just wanted to express myself, that’s all. Thank you and Sorry.                                                                                                September 10, 2021, Friday 

Dear Minatozaki Sana,

Let me write this letter as if I am personally talking to you or as if you will be able to read and understand this. Unlike any other letter you might have received, this letter is not to show an admiration but to confess my sins and apologize for it. I do not know where to start nor how to start. There is just a lot of things going through my mind right now, that I know I have, and I want to say to you through this letter. In that case, let me start telling the story on how I knew you leading to what I am apologizing for and why I am writing this letter.

         There is a girl I liked before; she was your fan thus whenever I visited her social media account it is sometime filled about you. I never really care about it back then until one day I did. I got curious about you, on who are you, your whereabouts. So, I searched you, that is where I knew more about you, your full name, occupation, birth and many more. Unlike any other of your fans who admired you for your talent, personality, and other admirable things you portray in front of the camera, eventually them being a fan of your group and what you do. My case is different from that, I built my “admiration” on you from lust, and I am not proud of it. What do I mean by that? Well, when I searched everything about you. I also got curious if is there any adult writing content about you. So, I did search for it and there are results that was shown on the screen, particularly the stories from writing and reading platforms such as Wattpad. I read those stories about you, sexualizing you. I got into it and read more, then I eventually cross upon stories about building genuine relationship with you, quite different from the first stories I have read. I again read those kinds of stories because I like the idea, stories about going through ups and downs with you, having relationship with you, getting married, having kids, handling a marriage and such. Some of them have happy ending, some do not. I also read, and a part of me believe the stories about your personality readings, your real attitude, your real behavior, your real intentions, and goals in life, and such. As the number of stories I read grew, I never realize it was already taking a toll at me. Until one day, all those stories I have read eventually become a part of my memories, creating fake memories on my mind to be exact, that made me feel that those things actually happened even though it did not. And occasionally I wanted to make what I read come true, so I would sometimes find myself spacing out thinking a way on how to make it come true. In addition, because of those stories I have read, I got into thinking that I have rights on you, I have a say on what you are doing. I could say that I got myself into thinking that I am in a relationship with you, like a boyfriend, a husband, or any other titles for that. Because of that I found myself feeling betrayed or mad if I saw you being shipped to other idols such as Mark, Jungkook, Taehyung, and others. I even got furious when I saw a video of you almost kissing a man, because I feel like I am for you and you are for me, it is just that it is not yet our time to be together. I would even search some things that is already too personal about you, like where you studied, what are you like when you were a kid, what kind of student were you, if you did not become an idol what would you be, even if are you still virgin or not. I could go on and write things I should have not done. I know, that is so disgusting of me, and me, myself is disgusted of mine.      

       I could not put into words how awfully sorry I am for all those imaginations and actions I did. I sincerely apologize for sexualizing you, for being presumptuous about you even I do not know you personally, for thinking the way I think about you, for creating those delusions of mine, for thinking I have rights on you, that I have control on you. I am extremely sorry for meddling with things I do not have the right to do so, and obviously none of my business.

         I know there is something wrong with my mind, on how the way I think. Even I, myself, is afraid of what if I really tried to do what I am thinking of.  I do not really know what is the feeling I have for you. I have an idea, but I think it is impossible because we never knew each other personally, we have not interacted, you do not even know I exist. That is why I convinced myself that I am already too attached to you, that my admiration for you is already turning into an obsession, that I might turned out to be a sasaeng one day, and I do not want that to happen. So, I become more determined to fix myself because I know I am not thinking normally anymore.

         I kept drawing a line that will serve as a boundary distancing myself from you, but every time I tell myself to never cross that line. I failed over, and over again. That is why I also decided to write this letter, to maybe finally end up these delusions of mine or maybe even just reduce the baggage I am carrying that I initially made myself to carry. I am truly sorry for this, I never wanted to be this kind of man. I really made a mistake and messed myself up. I hope this is the start for me to regain myself, or even better if build a new one. A really new start where I would not relapse again and go back crying at night, pitying myself for imagining things that would not happen, or thinking how I could make things work out. I am sorry if I am becoming repetitive now, just making sure I write what I want to say because after this there is no going back.

         As for what will happen to this letter, well I am thinking of maybe posting this somewhere. So at least in my mind I know someone will read this. As for whether I would try to send this to you or not. That is something I do not know, maybe, if I would given the chance to, but you will need a translator to understand this especially with how ugly my writing is, if you got the chance to read the actual letter. I will surely keep this with me for a while if I would not send you this, but do not worry I would definitely get rid of this. I just don’t know when, maybe after I am convinced that I am already okay and already threw my excess baggage in life.

         What else could I say. Well just like any other of your fans I hope all the best for you, your career, your family, and your future one because I feel you will do have one and I know you deserve a happy one if it ever crosses your mind, everyone does. Thank you for reading this letter/story of mine, and again I sincerely apologize for what I have done whether you were affected by it or not, I know and feel I owe this apology to you.

         This now marks the start of my new journey in life, a life without me trying to linger it on you. I ruined my own life, I think it is only right for me to fix it. Lastly, remember the feeling I feel for you that I cannot really distinguished, which I eventually convinced my self to be an obsession. Well, at least let me tell you what I think it was even though I am not sure, or because I am just being in denial. For the first and last time, let me tell you that I think I really … LOVED you, Minatozaki Sana.

Once an obsessive fan,