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remember the dark ages when you’d buy a ringtone by texting a number off a tv commercial?

my kids: dad what’s for supper? me: ooh hunny i am serving looks tonight kids: we haven’t eaten in 3 days

Is anyone else ever genuinely shocked when you find out you have an impact on someone’s life? A coworker can be like “I’ve missed seeing you” and I’m just like “???? you?? missed me????? My presence has an effect on your daily experience???? I affect things??? W h a t ? ? ?”

stop asking me what my plan for the day is, it’s the same as always, self sabotage

Greetings professor, I did not do your assignment because I am mentally ill

The police pull my lifeless body from a lake but I’m wearing the funniest hat they’ve ever seen and they can’t stop laughing and keep dropping me back into the water

i always look sleep deprived is that hot

sometimes i wanna delete all my social media and throw my phone into a river

do you ever read about clean eating and intermittent fasting and cleanses and all that shit and just think about how good the wellness industry is as repackaging dangerous and disordered eating habits as shiny wellness routines and become literally enraged

“if you take medication for that, you’ll be taking medication all your life!!” yeah, and?? bud, i already put on my glasses every morning. it’s like. a condition of mine, not a side hobby i’m pursuing irresponsibly. 

not to be political on main but i think we should probably be making things easier for people

waking up in 2020 be like. gotta check what catastrophes, riots and natural disasters i have missed during my 5h sleep

compliment recklessly! say the nice things that come to your head! we've got better things to do than resisting the instinct to be kind!