꒰ ᤱᰱ ❤︎ ✿ ᛫

"i don't know what you're talking about," you mumble, staring out the window. in the reflection, your tired eyes greet you, a prevalent, bone deep exhaustion that not even the heaviest makeup can conceal. you're surprised none of your friends commented on it, but you guess they were too caught up with talking and eating to notice.

which honestly, thank god, because yoonchae's concerned eyes are already too much, having five more worried looks all trained on you might kill you.

"you just pushed your food around during dinner, so it would look like you ate," she says, and damn her for paying attention to you so well, for knowing you like the back of her hand. "i didn't see you take a bite once."

you shrug, "well then i guess you just weren't looking when i did."

"oh? so you took one bite? how filling," she deadpans. her hands grip the steering wheel so tightly that her knuckles go white, jaw firmly clenched in order to bite down words she won't be able to take back.

"i wasn't hungry, is that such a crime?"

"it is when you're never hungry."

she pulls the car to a stop in front of the late night convenience store you didn't even realise you were approaching, wordlessly grabbing her bag and stepping out of the car. then, before she slams the door shut, commands, "stay here."

as if you'd have anywhere to go.

the wait is excruciating, your knee bouncing so hard the car slightly shakes. you can't sit still, obsessively fixing your makeup, opening social media and then immediately regretting it a second after, measuring your wrist with your fingers and sighing unhappily at the results that'll never be enough, regardless of the outcome.

only ten or so minutes have passed, but it feels like it's been a lifetime when yoonchae finally exits the store, a plastic bag filled to the brim in her hands that she passes over once she steps back into the car.

despite having no plans to actually eat, it's instinct the way you take out the first item and immediately flip the packaging to check the calories, only to find all the information scribbled out in pen. yoonchae.

she doesn't say anything, just carefully watches from the corner of her eye as you assess her food selection.

it's a mixture of your favourite junk food and then some healthier options, like she scoured the shelves and put anything in the basket she thought you might even potentially eat. your stomach cramps painfully at the sight.

for the most part, you weren't lying about not being hungry; your appetite is mostly non existent at this point. but regardless of what you want, your body needs food, and likes to notify you of this in the most painful ways, hence the cramps.

"can you open that for me?" yoonchae asks, pointing to the packet of crisps in your hands. you're glad she doesn't mention that obvious pain you're in, even if concern is written all over her features.

you nod and pry open the packet with more force than probably necessary, the smell hitting you almost instantly. on a better day, maybe it would've appealed to you, but you feel nothing but apathy towards what you once might've called your favourite snack.

you're not stupid, you know what yoonchae's trying to do. if you open the bag, she thinks, maybe you'll feel more inclined to reach in and take a bite. just one tiny little nibble and your girlfriend will rejoice.

instead, you try to ignore her disappointed expression as you pass the bag over. there's no satisfaction on her face as she starts to eat, just an emptiness that matches how you feel.

"thanks," she mumbles through a mouthful.

when it becomes clear that you have no intention of joining her, yoonchae puts down her food, dusts off her hands, and puts the key back into ignition. "you ready to go?"

"sure."

she pulls out of the space and the two of you fall back into silence, the only sounds the hum of the car as she drives and the occasional hitch of her breath.

the world passes by in a blur of city lights, slightly disorienting but relaxing in its own way, too. you rest your head against the window, eyes fluttering shut. in retrospect, you haven't done much today, but your body feels exhausted like you've just run a marathon instead of having gone to dinner, an event that's supposed to breathe life into you instead of talking it away.

at least now you can rest.

"you know i love you, right?" yoonchae eventually breaks the silence, her voice soft and shaky. she'll lose her courage if she waits for a reply, so she continues on, "i'm sorry i got mad. i know you're struggling and the way i acted was unfair, i'm just so fucking scared. i can't loose you. the thought makes me sick, so i tense up because that's the only thing i know how to do. does that make sense?"

this time, she takes her eyes off the road to look over, only to find you've drifted off into sleep, worlds away from the conversation. she sighs. at least you look peaceful like this, cheek slightly smashed against the car door, shoulders having finally lost their tension.

you can't hear it, but she whispers the words regardless, like maybe they'll reach your subconscious and fix everything when you wake, "please don't leave me."

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