let me

i thought i will kill myself like two weeks ago to be honest

i felt as if i was drowning, water too thick for me to swim upwards, and even when i eventually got there, tall ice has been covering the surface, ways out forgotten i still got some friends that im thankful for, so much, i found a new game to play so people can judge me some more not for who i am but for what im doing. im glad that jisung (+woozi) is staying by my side even though i do indeed suck as a human

tak a ted korejsky, jelikoz najit spravny slova pro pociti v anglictine se mi zda v posledni dny tezsi a tezsi - taehyung je asi momentalne to nejlepsi, co jsem si mohl kdy prat. je tezky si nekdy uvedomit, jak moc se snazil, ale sam se snazim si vsechno uvedomovat a snazit se zpatky, i kdyz to stoji za hovno, nevadi. vytetoval jsem mu srdicko na koleno, muselo ho to bolet, protoze jsem se u toho smal jak kreten a trasla se mi ruka, takze to legit vypada jako kdyby mu to tetovaly ty jeho opice, ale nevypada, ze by mu to vadilo. taky jsme si zacali rikat ty trapny veci korejsky, je to takovy intimni, nevim, jak se ohledne toho citim. je mi z toho trapne jak svina lol, ale je to hezky docela mi chybi leila tho, pry si nasla pritele, snad to neni kreten. jak zacne skola, musim si vzpomenout na ty pomerance, at mam vlastne duvod k zahajeni konverzace

ale chtel jsem se zabit, ze? lezel jsem ve vane a chtel jsem si podrezat zily, at mam klid. ale nakonec jsem se jen dorezal, at mam dalsich nekolik duvodu, proc se na sebe nedivat, lol. sam si to vsechno nicim, ze? plaval jsem, miloval jsem vodu, s rozrezanou citlivou kuzi ale do chloru uz nemuzu nebo se roztecu. miloval jsem nekoho, koho jsem od sebe odehnal proto, protoze jsem mu zivot tahl jenom pod zem

kind of dont like it here anymore, can it end already

i didnt want to live, then i did

now i am unsure if living was the best decision i chose to make

a lot of shit happened, you know? a lot, and i have no idea how to deal with all of it. i thought, until like twenty minutes ago, that the thoughts went away, completely. i became friends with some people, i had and still do have stuff to focus on, i began studying properly again. i had a crush some time ago? so another form of distraction. but, the devil works hard, doesnt he. ( pun maybe? who knows ) she left, so one less of a distraction. me being a straight up antisocial is working, too, so, friends wont last as long as they should, could. 

idk what im writing about, honestly, i just thought that finally writing some shit would make me feel better, because that certainly doesnt - seeing drug addicts talking about how much they want to die but not really, how much they try even though they dont want to - doesnt help. at all, lol

this thing doesnt deserve its own number, thats why point five

the whole shit with confessions is getting more stupid, day by day. the whole school is getting dumber, people are plain retarded, and my own will to even continue going there has disappeared, if there ever was some.

hoseok doesnt talk to me, meaning my whole point of keeping this shit going is not here now, as well. nothing is holding me back from ending it all, yet i dont do it, lol - and why? because i guess i am a pussy in the end

would you miss me if id be brave enough to end it?

when you come home from school, having your mind occupied and thinking life actually may not suck as much, thinking that you may have a few people to talk to

but realizing

that in fact, nothing has changed

so, the usa trip

i’m currently in seok’s bed, he’s in the shower and i wonder if i manage to finish this shit before he comes back, but i doubt so. i was sitting on the floor and abused his hifi for like twenty or more minutes, so ive got little time to do it. but he showers for a fuckton of time, so who knows

the usa trip was a longtime thing for seok, but i decided so spontaneously that i almost didnt manage to pack my shit, lol. it was the night when i told him that i would try, but i was scared. the night that started it all. but honestly, it didnt proceed anywhere until yesterday. but ill write about it later

the whole trip was awesome, minus the fact that i almost melted. it was so pretty there, his brother actually likes me, and i dont know. i enjoyed it. i remember going on trips like this with my family, but well - since dad died, i guess nobody really likes to go anywhere anymore. especially since they know that me and jin would probably kill eachother sooner or later. 

we went to swim a lot, we went shopping a lot, we fucked a lot. one day, he refused to go anywhere because i wasnt responsible enough regarding him and his ability to walk, i felt bad. why? no idea. i never felt bad. never. i told ten that hoseok may actually made me more kind since i spend so much time with him, and honestly : it may be true. or maybe its just the heat, which is seriously slowly killing me. 

should i add some photos here? the sunset seemed like a good one to begin with, so, yeah, here, have another sun

i actually don't know what I'm trying to write. i guess i just need to say something to no-one, and I- there's a lot. I really don't know what to do, I don't know how to act, if I should pretend or if I should just show how I really want to act. One is honestly worse than another, but I probably should stop hiding behind myself and finally face the decision I did, or the ones I'm willing to do to finally make myself happy. And it'd finally be a damn good time to do that, as I felt good so little these two years, that one hand would be enough to count it.

The saddest thing would be, that all of these were with Hoseok.

That's where all the trouble started, where I started to realize that I, for once, do have to try as well, and not let the other try alone. Like, I didn't really care, but as I was thinking, I came to realization, that I want to actually try. I want to try to be better for them, I want to make them smile, I want to make them forget about all the problems they're currently facing, and them being Hoseok and Hoseok only.

Is this what being in love feels? I think so. Even Yoongi told me that the feelings I'm describinf are symptoms of love. Symptoms of something I wish I wouldn't have felt until the very last day of my being.

I'm so scared. I'm so scared of fucking up, I'm so scared of continuing, and I'm so scared of everything. I'm scared of love. But what else should I do, huh. Should I randomly take back everything I said and hurt the only person who could bear the fact that I'm feeling something towards them? Only person who could deal with me at all?

I still didn't agree on it. I didn't agree on the relationship, and I didn't agree on the fact thay I may like men. Because I don't. I never felt something like this towards a man, but I had some kid loves with vagina people, and just-

I wish I wouldn't have feelings at all, lol

And btw, you, people who got mad when someone sucked someone's dick, while being with you; I get it. I get every fucking thing you guys felt. I didn't admit my feelings to that fucker, yet when he told me he sucked his dick, and his as well, I thought I'd snap right here and there. I want them to belong only to me, I want them to feel everything only towards me.

want to sleep

already seventh?

well, anyway. I don’t really know what to write. I just feel like I need to ventilate myself and this seems, again, like the best place to do it. But I don’t know what I can or cannot write. Well, let’s stop shitting and let’s begin with writing

hoseok is acting like a fuck up and i have no fucking idea what to do. he was overly sweet yesterday, complimented me a lot, and i am a sucker for those. I am a sucker for whatever is meant for me which will make my insecurities hide for a second, and it sure as hell did. but, hes weird. he says he has a cat but i know for damn fucking sure he doesnt. he has a dock. the dog is called mickey. it looks like a gremlin. i dont know about a white skinny cat which he has to feed or shit about how she doesnt want to eat. do you why she doesnt want to eat, seok? because shes not real. but damn, who could say it to him. his brain is bad, his mindset is bad, and just; since he came back from the facility, hes weird. hes still kind as hell, still cuddly as hell, and i still love him a lot, im just- scared that it amy get worse eventually, and thats the last thing i want to happen.

jimin, his roommate, told me he willt ry to keep an eye on him, i dont believe that, but i can act like i do so. jimin is kind, almost the same as hoseok, but probably less hyper and positive. hes like the real kind of shit, which likes to be nice to people to hide his own pessimism, thinking people wont notice. guess what, hobbit, i do notice even the shittiest things you yourself do not know about. by the way, he sucked me dick, nice guy. and i felt guilty after that. nice

i started watching one anime a few days ago, the name is hoozuki no reitetsu, otherwise known as hozuki's coolheadedness, and it’s really good, mainly funny. in that awkward sort of style i like, heh. its that stupid dark humour, because the whole plot is built around hell and dead people, and its really cool, especially if you want to have something to laugh at. and theres a cool dog, which is a plus. the dog came into hell together with a hero, i think his name was momotarou? he had a rooster with him as well as a monkey, and all three animals were gods, accompanying him on his journey even in hell. momotarou wanted to fight hoozuki, which is something like a sub-leader of hell, but hes very strong, charming, and everything, so he beat the animal gods as well as momotarou. but they had some free positions in hell, so he offered them to momotarou as well as to the animals, it was cute.

the dogs name is shiro, and hes the cutest. hes scared of almost everything, but he loves everyone and hes jsut typical dog, lol, look 

cute, huh?