i thought i will kill myself like two weeks ago to be honest
i felt as if i was drowning, water too thick for me to swim upwards, and even when i eventually got there, tall ice has been covering the surface, ways out forgotten
i still got some friends that im thankful for, so much, i found a new game to play so people can judge me some more not for who i am but for what im doing. im glad that jisung (+woozi) is staying by my side even though i do indeed suck as a human
tak a ted korejsky, jelikoz najit spravny slova pro pociti v anglictine se mi zda v posledni dny tezsi a tezsi - taehyung je asi momentalne to nejlepsi, co jsem si mohl kdy prat. je tezky si nekdy uvedomit, jak moc se snazil, ale sam se snazim si vsechno uvedomovat a snazit se zpatky, i kdyz to stoji za hovno, nevadi. vytetoval jsem mu srdicko na koleno, muselo ho to bolet, protoze jsem se u toho smal jak kreten a trasla se mi ruka, takze to legit vypada jako kdyby mu to tetovaly ty jeho opice, ale nevypada, ze by mu to vadilo. taky jsme si zacali rikat ty trapny veci korejsky, je to takovy intimni, nevim, jak se ohledne toho citim. je mi z toho trapne jak svina lol, ale je to hezky
docela mi chybi leila tho, pry si nasla pritele, snad to neni kreten. jak zacne skola, musim si vzpomenout na ty pomerance, at mam vlastne duvod k zahajeni konverzace
ale chtel jsem se zabit, ze? lezel jsem ve vane a chtel jsem si podrezat zily, at mam klid. ale nakonec jsem se jen dorezal, at mam dalsich nekolik duvodu, proc se na sebe nedivat, lol. sam si to vsechno nicim, ze? plaval jsem, miloval jsem vodu, s rozrezanou citlivou kuzi ale do chloru uz nemuzu nebo se roztecu. miloval jsem nekoho, koho jsem od sebe odehnal proto, protoze jsem mu zivot tahl jenom pod zem
v poslednich dnech premyslil nad tim, co se stalo v prvaku, huh. tata se obesil, junghee umrela. tata se obesil, ja jsem to psychicky nezvlad a odnesla to junghee. a tuna dalsich po ni. nehorazne me to zzira, ale neivm, co mam delat. nikomu to rict nemuzu, jelikoz jsem v tom spatne jenom ja a na nikoho jinyho to fakt svist nemuzu. ale nezvladam to porad drzet, jelikoz vim, ze cim dyl to drzet budu, tim horsi ten vybuch na konci bude
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now i am unsure if living was the best decision i chose to make
a lot of shit happened, you know? a lot, and i have no idea how to deal with all of it. i thought, until like twenty minutes ago, that the thoughts went away, completely. i became friends with some people, i had and still do have stuff to focus on, i began studying properly again. i had a crush some time ago? so another form of distraction. but, the devil works hard, doesnt he. ( pun maybe? who knows ) she left, so one less of a distraction. me being a straight up antisocial is working, too, so, friends wont last as long as they should, could.
idk what im writing about, honestly, i just thought that finally writing some shit would make me feel better, because that certainly doesnt - seeing drug addicts talking about how much they want to die but not really, how much they try even though they dont want to - doesnt help. at all, lol
i seriously want the thoughts to disappear, but how am i supposed to do that
this thing doesnt deserve its own number, thats why point five
the whole shit with confessions is getting more stupid, day by day. the whole school is getting dumber, people are plain retarded, and my own will to even continue going there has disappeared, if there ever was some.
hoseok doesnt talk to me, meaning my whole point of keeping this shit going is not here now, as well. nothing is holding me back from ending it all, yet i dont do it, lol - and why? because i guess i am a pussy in the end
and maybe because im scared that he may fall for someone new and forget about me too easily
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when you come home from school, having your mind occupied and thinking life actually may not suck as much, thinking that you may have a few people to talk to
i’m currently in seok’s bed, he’s in the shower and i wonder if i manage to finish this shit before he comes back, but i doubt so. i was sitting on the floor and abused his hifi for like twenty or more minutes, so ive got little time to do it. but he showers for a fuckton of time, so who knows
the usa trip was a longtime thing for seok, but i decided so spontaneously that i almost didnt manage to pack my shit, lol. it was the night when i told him that i would try, but i was scared. the night that started it all. but honestly, it didnt proceed anywhere until yesterday. but ill write about it later
the whole trip was awesome, minus the fact that i almost melted. it was so pretty there, his brother actually likes me, and i dont know. i enjoyed it. i remember going on trips like this with my family, but well - since dad died, i guess nobody really likes to go anywhere anymore. especially since they know that me and jin would probably kill eachother sooner or later.
we went to swim a lot, we went shopping a lot, we fucked a lot. one day, he refused to go anywhere because i wasnt responsible enough regarding him and his ability to walk, i felt bad. why? no idea. i never felt bad. never. i told ten that hoseok may actually made me more kind since i spend so much time with him, and honestly : it may be true. or maybe its just the heat, which is seriously slowly killing me.
should i add some photos here? the sunset seemed like a good one to begin with, so, yeah, here, have another sun
hh. hes pretty, right? the sunset and shit. we went on a boat, just because we could, and also because his family wanted to. it was nice. everyone laughed, even i did, and then he laughed as well. he smiles so nicely? but look at the photo; he’s looking all serious, but he was just checking out some dumb shit carrying like ten glasses of wine at once, which, yeah, was kind of impressive, but still, dumb. who am i even talking to? nobody, yeah. so, nobody, i wich for this boy to smile for me as much as he possibly can, and as much as he wants to. i want him to smile only for me, i want the smile to be mine. but, guess what, nobody. it actually is only mine already. and it always will.
i sound scary, hahh. but well, i am possesive? he was talking with lucas, making some guardian shits happen ( i am quill and he’s rocket, lol ), and i got so jealous? and i honestly dont know why. i never even saw lucas, lol
nevermind, a cat
yeah, a cat. we went to get an ice cream, and this was laying on the car. i honestly didnt care as much as seok did, but, why did i put it here in the first place. he, seok, he like, stopped almost immediately as he saw the cat and started squealing, tugging my hand just to look at this dying ass cat. he pet it for like five minutes, before he whined and said we had to go, otherwise the icecream place will close and we wont have any icecream. it was nice. the whole shit, him being overly protective over a cat he just met, telling me he will keep her, and then sneezing like a shit because hes allergic on fur. hes dumb
i took so many selfies, lol. i was forced to do so, honestly. “make some memories of your blond hair before you dye it again, fuckass,” so i did. he told me im beautiful. he always tells me, always reminds me, if id ever tried to forget. i would never forget the words, but the meaning is kind of off for me. whenever i tell him the same, hes like noooo, but whenever he tells me and i say no, hes ready to punch me.
but nevermind, here is one
lol, nvm
i like the hair. he helped me dye it, it sucked for the first time, i looked like a fucking chicken, but the toner made it better. im still wondering how the fuck was he able not to burn my scalp and make me actually like the colour. i mean, it looks dry, or feels dry, as im touching it, but its not so bad.
the water stopped, so i have like ten minutes from now on, because hes slow, hh
i love him. yesterday, i proclaimed him my boyfriend. while we both were wide awake. he asked me, if i want to keep it as secret. i said yes, at least for now. i thought that he will be sad, because he seems like the kind of human who would scream everything aloud, but he seemed... he seemed so happy
and i hope he is, and i hope he will
as living without sun would be the last thing i would wish for
the moon is not able to shine without its sun, and that kind of relationship seems like the one we had since we started talking
i actually don't know what I'm trying to write. i guess i just need to say something to no-one, and I- there's a lot. I really don't know what to do, I don't know how to act, if I should pretend or if I should just show how I really want to act. One is honestly worse than another, but I probably should stop hiding behind myself and finally face the decision I did, or the ones I'm willing to do to finally make myself happy. And it'd finally be a damn good time to do that, as I felt good so little these two years, that one hand would be enough to count it.
The saddest thing would be, that all of these were with Hoseok.
That's where all the trouble started, where I started to realize that I, for once, do have to try as well, and not let the other try alone. Like, I didn't really care, but as I was thinking, I came to realization, that I want to actually try. I want to try to be better for them, I want to make them smile, I want to make them forget about all the problems they're currently facing, and them being Hoseok and Hoseok only.
Is this what being in love feels? I think so. Even Yoongi told me that the feelings I'm describinf are symptoms of love. Symptoms of something I wish I wouldn't have felt until the very last day of my being.
I'm so scared. I'm so scared of fucking up, I'm so scared of continuing, and I'm so scared of everything. I'm scared of love. But what else should I do, huh. Should I randomly take back everything I said and hurt the only person who could bear the fact that I'm feeling something towards them? Only person who could deal with me at all?
I still didn't agree on it. I didn't agree on the relationship, and I didn't agree on the fact thay I may like men. Because I don't. I never felt something like this towards a man, but I had some kid loves with vagina people, and just-
I wish I wouldn't have feelings at all, lol
And btw, you, people who got mad when someone sucked someone's dick, while being with you; I get it. I get every fucking thing you guys felt. I didn't admit my feelings to that fucker, yet when he told me he sucked his dick, and his as well, I thought I'd snap right here and there. I want them to belong only to me, I want them to feel everything only towards me.
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you all should learn how to grow up and get ready for real problems instead of crying over someone who sucked a dick which didn't belong to you and vice versa, lol
i never wished for people to like to me, i actually wished for the opposite for a long time now. i wonder how do others feel? how they feel as they desperately want people to like them but nobody does
well, anyway. I don’t really know what to write. I just feel like I need to ventilate myself and this seems, again, like the best place to do it. But I don’t know what I can or cannot write. Well, let’s stop shitting and let’s begin with writing
hoseok is acting like a fuck up and i have no fucking idea what to do. he was overly sweet yesterday, complimented me a lot, and i am a sucker for those. I am a sucker for whatever is meant for me which will make my insecurities hide for a second, and it sure as hell did. but, hes weird. he says he has a cat but i know for damn fucking sure he doesnt. he has a dock. the dog is called mickey. it looks like a gremlin. i dont know about a white skinny cat which he has to feed or shit about how she doesnt want to eat. do you why she doesnt want to eat, seok? because shes not real. but damn, who could say it to him. his brain is bad, his mindset is bad, and just; since he came back from the facility, hes weird. hes still kind as hell, still cuddly as hell, and i still love him a lot, im just- scared that it amy get worse eventually, and thats the last thing i want to happen.
jimin, his roommate, told me he willt ry to keep an eye on him, i dont believe that, but i can act like i do so. jimin is kind, almost the same as hoseok, but probably less hyper and positive. hes like the real kind of shit, which likes to be nice to people to hide his own pessimism, thinking people wont notice. guess what, hobbit, i do notice even the shittiest things you yourself do not know about. by the way, he sucked me dick, nice guy. and i felt guilty after that. nice
i sang today. i used to take singing lessons few years back, like three or two, but i gave up because it seemed useless. i dont know why i did today, it seemed nostalgic, nobody was home, so it was the perfect opportunity to know that i still suck a lot. on top of that, i ha da blacokut today, cool, huh? i should probably go to the doctor, but well
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i started watching one anime a few days ago, the name is hoozuki no reitetsu, otherwise known as hozuki's coolheadedness, and it’s really good, mainly funny. in that awkward sort of style i like, heh. its that stupid dark humour, because the whole plot is built around hell and dead people, and its really cool, especially if you want to have something to laugh at. and theres a cool dog, which is a plus. the dog came into hell together with a hero, i think his name was momotarou? he had a rooster with him as well as a monkey, and all three animals were gods, accompanying him on his journey even in hell. momotarou wanted to fight hoozuki, which is something like a sub-leader of hell, but hes very strong, charming, and everything, so he beat the animal gods as well as momotarou. but they had some free positions in hell, so he offered them to momotarou as well as to the animals, it was cute.
the dogs name is shiro, and hes the cutest. hes scared of almost everything, but he loves everyone and hes jsut typical dog, lol, look
cute, huh?
i still wonder why do i feel so weak, vulnerable, and just so out of everything. yesterday, we had a party at the school, and so many things happened which i would rather forget everything or just sleep through the rest of my life. i sometimes seriously wish to be alone, with noone behind to care about, because that may be the thing which will get me into more problems than i got myself into alone