Nervously Talkative

It was in my third year in college when I was asked to be a subject in a study conducted by a friend’s friend. They were tasked to try and determine the characteristic, personality, and the presence or absence of any personality disorder. Upon Ipresenting the results to their professor, I was able to read the results. Apparently, I was prone to anxiety which seemed a bit far from what I thought since I was leaning towards depression (long story) so it kind of surprised me to know that I was in that condition.

Knowing that I am prone to that condition did not change anything and no signs of anxiety did not appear immediately. No friendship-related anxiety was felt then since three of my really, really good friends knew of the things that I’ve been through and they’ve never left me. No relationship-related anxiety since I was still single then. Paper works, exams, reports, badly presented pitches were part of the usual college student’s life so it did not bother me at all. I was a regular student who lived my life the way I wanted it to be. 

Although after that study conducted upon me, I became subconsciously aware of it. I started doing things to stop myself from becoming totally anxious of a lot of things. I did have some moments where I would blame myself or hate myself for doing something but it was due to the fact that it was my decision, not that I lack something or anything.

That was the case until I graduated from college. I thought that instead of taking a few months off, I should go ahead and look for a job. I thought that everything that I have learned by then would be enough to fuel my desire to keep on doing something, in this case, instead of studying, I will be working; instead of going to a university to open a notebook and take down notes, I will open a laptop and start taking note of clients and event details. I thought it would totally be good for me to continue being the “hardworking” person as I am. 

Well, it was good... Until I realized that this is no school. People will not see me as a student who can commit a few mistakes and redo things before the semester ends. I got a job as an events person and it’s when it all went haywire. I was under a really kind and patient boss, and colleagues with two more guys. I had trouble getting along with them since I tended to keep silent and just observe things. 

Slowly in the workplace, I felt that I might have graduated from a well-known university but that itself as well as the experiences I had was not enough for the job that I took. Although it is indeed a good opportunity to grow, I cannot help but feel incompetent around these people. They do help me with the work that I do yet, it feels like every time they do it, I’m slowly sinking myself to shame for not knowing these things. 

Yes, I am a fresh graduate, I am still learning but I am a slow learner, and for the past few months, I’m not still confident that I can do my job on my own. Being a slow learner, I still need their guidance. Pretty immature yes, but I can’t help but feel bad and guilty whenever I commit a mistake.

I’ve had those moments where all I wanted to do is resign from my position and probably take some rest and not care about work anymore. I’ve had those moments where I was shaking uncontrollably with fear of being reprimanded for some mistake that I did. I’ve had those moments where I just stay at home and do nothing, and not see these people for I have ashamed my team, and myself badly. 

I have felt so down in my work that there was an instance where all I wanted to do was just die in that instant. There have also been times where I was unable to properly eat and not feel any hunger after that. Many times, I’ve felt that I was not actually sleeping since my body and mind was unable to relax for even a few hours. 

A piece of advice: Enjoy studying while it lasts.

Yes, I was able to finish my undergraduate course in four years. Yes, I learned a lot during college. Yes, I made and defended my thesis. But the question is: Are these enough? 

For the last four months, I have been learning the ways, the tips and tricks of getting by in the corporate world... wait, let me rephrase that. “getting by in the REAL world” it is indeed a whole new experience. Before, failing at something does not concern me much as i know for a fact that i can mend or fix it in the future. Now? It seems entirely difficult to do so.

You see, I work in a small company subsidized by a bigger company with a lot of competitors (local and international) and is also subsidized by an even bigger company. My job is to generate, manage, organize, and prepare events for the company’s products. Other than the usual load of events, I must also be flexible in doing other marketing-based line of work like telemarketing or conduct other events for the internal-based happenings. I may be seen as a major slack off (which indeed, I am) but usually, my boss and my colleagues are jam packed with work. 

So what seems to be the problem? Probably my work ethics for one. For someone who graduated with “Organizational” in the course name, I’m the opposite. I indulge in chaos. I like to see things as they are and not do it in an orderly manner. I think it’s what they call as an organized chaos. I am not into details as I tend to forget things easily and remember them later which is fine with me since I have the tendency to procrastinate.

Perfectionism is apparently, an important asset in the marketing aspect. For as far as I can remember, I don’t do things properly the first time and commits one or two mistakes. Right then and there, I’ll try and weave the best way to deal with them.  My boss asked me before if I am a perfectionist. I told her that I am not but I can PROBABLY try being one but I was not able to do so. Why? Simply because it isn’t imprinted in my genetic make up. Being a perfectionist goes beyond my usual norm of being a total mess.

Another thing: creativity. Now don’t get me wrong. People may know me for my background in music which needs ample amount of creativity to pull off. I do have a teeny bit of it but it is not enough for the company and the ways of marketing. I can’t even cut straight patterns, not kidding! This was probably a major problem since all of my colleagues have a background on something creative.

For those people whom I have worked with in the past may agree with my next point. I’m a pretty slow worker. I like to be chill and just let things be then cram everything in a day, or even less than a day. I work well with that. Not only am I able to be totally flexible of my work schedule, I’m also flexible in developing my style on how to deal with my work. In the company’s case, it’s obviously ineffective. Slacking off may mean an unprocessed document important for an event, any unprepared materials for an event, or worse, financial aids that are totally crucial for events. 

Another factor that I have touched upon: documents. The company do have a variety of documents needed to be filed for various reasons. Some for clearance, financial requests, and some, for the sake of informing those in higher positions. I may not have any problem with these considering the fact that I will be taught on how things should be done, not by letting me be on my own. In the case of the latter, I can assure people 100% that it will be a total failure and would need assistance in fixing it. What irks me even more is the fact that yes, we are a subsidiary of an even bigger company and that we need the approval of those in waaaaaay higher positions for an event to happen or for a budget to be approved. It sucks to keep on asking for these approvals but those who needs to sign are always unavailable or are slow on their feet as well. Now don’t get me wrong. I understand that they also have a job far more complicated than mine but the thing is, they get mad at the end of the day for us running requests urgently when in fact we did our part and we were just waiting for their responses. I cannot make my cramming skills happen since there are other peoples’ parts needed to finally finish the work. One fatal mistake, all of these things go boom, and I am left with the realization that I am a total failure for everyone around me. 

Or probably, it’s just me. I was probably excited with the fact that I was accepted a month after I graduated. I have been thinking whether I should have rested a few months more before finally facing the reality of life. But then again, what better way for me to start than having my work immediately so as to keep the fire of productivity going. 

It was the 26th of September, a Friday. I waa hurrying as I enter the LRT. It was a hot afternoon and I’m preparing myself for tonight’s event.

As I arrived at my destination, I chose to put my things in a safe place before going on with my duties in helping the whole OrCom seniors. After doing so, I managed to get back to where my things were and started preparing. Once I was dressed in my evening attire, my friends asked me to go to the venue ASAP since some of our other friends were there.

Arriving at the hotel, we had ourselves seated with friends. Around us, a lot of people were there. Some are familiar faces while others are new. I also recognize some of my previous professors and old classmates. We were listening to the speech of an OrCom alumnus who was discussing her life after OrCom.

As the program went on, I was getting nervous. In a few minutes, it would be my time. I had to do this. I had to impress them.

After the program, my name was called on stage. Together with a friend of mine, we hosted the relaunch of the OrComSoc. I’ve done my share of hosting a few days back (OrCom Acquaintance Party) however, that event was only meant and included students. Now, this formal event had me nervous. With a lot of eyes looking at us as well as the idea of professionals, alumni, batchmates, and younger batches watching, it was pretty intimidating.

I have no idea how I did it but I still managed to host the event well. Not to mention some side performances. By the last performance, we, the seniors, took our time and performed to our hearts’ content. It was the best performance I’ve had so far. What made it special was that I was doing it in front of the people who have somehow made it possible to put me in that position.

The night ends and we were taught of life lessons from none other than the Mother of OrCom herself. As I listened to her, I felt proud and happy that I chose to stay in the OrCom program. I’ve loved it even more for that.

Let me rephrase my first line in the previous paragraph. The night did not end for we had a party afterwards. It was a totally relaxing point of the semester. Free from the stressors and academic stuff we have with only laughter, fun, and friendship.

The OrCom love never left my mind. Thanks to a lot of people, I am now a sem closer to achieving my dream of graduating in UP, moreover under the OrCom program.

I remember one time when we were excused for a PRSSP event in Gateway with advertising as its main topic. We were asked to do something on the learnings we’ll get from that event. However, I was not able to do so since I have a morning class. So how am I going to deal with this especially towards something that I’m not really serious about?

Of all the marketing strategies that I have encountered, I can say that advertising is not my cup of tea. It’s pretty ironic however that I have no love for this field when in fact, it was one of my stepping stones in learning about a lot of things. In reality, I recognize almost all commercial ads on television. I used to play this game of “Guess the product” whenever we had time and I’d always win. Not to mention my sense of fashion, my food consumption, and even the gadgets that I used, advertisements have made a huge impact on a lot of aspects of our lives. In fact, it is an essential factor in seeing how far our country has gone. Question is: Which side of development are we referring to?

Simple saying: if we look at the good side of advertisements, it will reflect on the good effects it has brought upon our country. Revenues, jobs, better economy, all of these were possible due to the positive reinforcement of ads. However, going on the other side of the plane, looking at the bad side of advertisements would, of course, focus on the bad effects it has brought upon us. It’s not really pure bad advertisements but rather, misused or misplaced ones like political ads. Political ads can be useful at some point but not on a longer period.

During our last meeting in our Human Resource class, our professor, Sir Reggie Vallejos, bumped into a topic that seemed fitting in today’s situation: the improvement of technologies in different industries. He talked about the changes in these industries: the pros which are easier, and less effort work; and the cons which focus on the loss of some jobs, and the slow progress of these industries towards machine power over manpower.

I am not here to say that these technologies are good or bad but rather make some points of differences for better understanding as well as for appreciation of it.

Do you still remember the games Luksong Baka, Mataya-taya, or Taguan? These were the games that I grew up with. However, after more than 15 years, it seems that these street games are not played by kids these days. The reason? Technology. These children are now gravitated towards computer games, smart phones, and even social media. They are making themselves busy with these things that are usually made use of by older people than them. Yes, they may enjoy the use of these technologies but is it really more enjoyable than playing outside with your friends, sweating, and laughing until all of you are exhausted? Some may agree, some may not.

Technology in the workplace can also be beneficial or harmful depending on the use. Like what was mentioned before, some industries have already adopted technology as a part of their routine to improve work. But is it really all beneficial? For example, the presence of technology for a start-up company, which aims to connect brokers with buyers, is a good idea. Faster communication, easier advertisment, hassle-free market, all will be possible with technology. The problem will arise in the use of the employees themselves. With the availability of these technologies, specifically the internet, distractions are endless. From social media, to search engines, to music and videos, there are a lot of things that could distort the focus of an employee to their work. That said, there is technology present but those who are to operate them are already distracted which may result into low productivity.

Two weeks ago, we had the task of doing an analysis on an organization. We had to describe what they do, who they are, as well as on how they manage communicating with the members of the group as well as those outside. I got a chance to group myself with my peers so there was no pressure on doing our parts of the report. Other than that, we were also practicing the topic in one way. We may not be looking into our group’s pattern but we sure do consider a good trait exhibited by our target company, Lafarge Cement which is an open communication.

Going back to our presentation, we conducted an interview, then came the lecture deck presentation, some meetings, practices, and a few more editings. As we studied our target organization, it was a perfect organization. Never have I thought of it possible that there was an existing organization who are transparent, and open to their employees and even more open to their target publics. Our problem was that the organization does not have any major problems at all. Good thing our interviewee suggested about their inter-floor communication problem and that is where we did our work. Presentation happened and we did our job. And for me, it was a good one.

But the really good part of it was the idea of doing this kind of work. Before, I would have just complained like I always did. I would complain on how hard this task was. Now, everything seemed to flow freely. Ideas came out easily, existing ideas were criticized before being accepted, procrastinatoon was there but not for long, and it was all "Work/Studies before games/extra activities".