Lily Evans was in trouble.
Her chest was heaving as she leant over a desk, her hands gripping it so tightly it hurt. She wished the pain would make everything focus, make everything clear, but it didnât work.
Her breath came out in gasps as she collapsed into a deskâs chair. She was alone in an empty Charms classroom, alone on a late Thursday afternoon as the sun gradually sank lower in the sky. Lily stared out of one of the large windows, trying to focus on something- anything- apart from what sheâd just realised.
She had thought it was just a simple sex thing, at first. After all, she was a teenager, and James Potter was hot. Now that he wasnât being a git, anyway.
Then, once sheâd started to want him to take her on dates and hold her hand and kiss her, sheâd decided it was a simple crush. It would go away soon enough.
It was just because sheâd been spending so much time with him, that was all.
Then- well, then she knew she was in trouble when her feelings grew deeper. They were the sea; bottomless and deep and wild.
Sheâd only thought of the L-word twenty minutes ago, sitting in a meeting with him, watching the way he kept shoving his glasses up his nose as he talked, watching the way the sun caught his eyes and his hair and Merlin, he was gorgeous.
She had caught herself before he had noticed her watching him, thought causally He canât know Iâm in love with him.
Was she in love with him?
Sheâd gotten up and ran, ran out of that damn meeting into the nearest empty classroom and sat down and tried to figure out what to do next.
That was where she was now.
Sitting in a desk too small for her, glaring at the floor, and fighting back tears. A sudden wave of anger overtook her.
Sheâd managed to last years without falling under his spell. Years! And now look where she was.
In love with the boy at the one point where he didnât love her back.
Because he didnât. He didnât.
He was gentle and kind and loving- but he didnât love her.
Lily picked up an ink pot that was lying on the desk and turned it over and over in her hands, furious with herself and him and pretty much the whole damn world.
She stood and hurtled the ink pot at the wall, hands shaking, eyes burning, thoughts racing.
It shattered loudly, ink splattering on the wall like blood, pieces of ink pot bouncing on the stone floor and towards Lily.
She didnât move, just covered her face with her hands and wondered what exactly she was doing.
She took a deep breath and wondered if crying would make her feel better. That was what her mum always said- that crying made you feel better.
Well, Lily didnât want to feel better. She wanted to fix this. Fix her feelings for-
The door opened violently, and James Potter fell into the room. His face was lightly flushed along his high cheekbones, and he was breathing hard, like heâd been running. His hair, although usually messy, was even messier than normal, and Lily found herself wishing that she could run her hands through it and pull him close to her-
She wanted to keep three feet away from him and never touch him. Ever. That way she couldnât manage to embarrass herself.
He looked up at her, and his face just lit up, eyes shining.
Ten feet. She would stay ten feet away. Just to be safe.
âLily,â he said, relief evident in his tone, and suddenly Lily realised how it must have looked, her running out of the Headâs meeting halfway through his speech, especially now, when so many students- especially Muggle-borns like Lily- were receiving letters with bad news about their parents or siblings or friends. âAre you okay? Iâve been looking all over for you.â
Okay, she was going to have to extend her minimum distance from him to fifteen feet when he looked like that. He lookedâŚ
He looked perfect. He looked like everything she had ever wanted in a boy, like every childhood fantasy her and Petunia had come up with.
âIâm fine,â Lily said hastily. âI just felt a bit faint, thatâs all. I swear. Nothingâs⌠nothingâs happened.â
His shoulders slumped in relief, and he crossed the classroom in a few easy strides to stand next to her by her desk.
Okay, he was way closer than fifteen feet and it was driving Lily to distraction. She could smell him, quidditch broom polish and butterbeer and minty shower gel.
âDid you smash an ink pot?â James asked curiously, looking over at the mess behind her.
Lily thought fast. âYeah, I knocked one over by accident. I tripped,â she lied, seeing the expression on his face. âUm, I should probably clean it up before a teacher gets here.â
âIâll do that,â James said, waving a hand in her direction and moving past her to the shattered ink bottle. He brushed against her and she stiffened, not trusting herself. âYou should get to the Hospital Wing. Youâre obviously not well, youâre acting all jumpy.â
âIâm fine,â Lily insisted, feeling her stomach twist in guilt at the concerned tone in Jamesâ voice. âI swear.â
âNo, you arenât.â He was busy picking up shards of ink pot, and Lily took the opportunity to admire him, admire the fluid way he moved, the way his glasses slid down his nose in the most adorable way she could imagine⌠he looked up at her, and she looked away, her face flushing. âYou said you felt faint. You should go to Madame Pomfrey, and thatâs final.â
âIâm fine,â Lily insisted, and then realised she should be helping James clean up her mess, not standing and admiring his muscles. âI swear.â
âNope.â James stood up and pushed her away from the ink, and again Lily flushed, realising just how close they were. âYouâre acting weird, Lily, and Iâm worried.â
Lily shrugged. âDonât be. Iâm fine.â
âLily-â he began, sighing, and Lily stumbled away from him, shaking her head.
Why did it have to be so hard?
Why did he have to make it so hard? Sheâd been hanging on by a thread these past few months, barely managing to stay friends with him. Barely managing to not grab him by the tie and kiss him senseless.
âNo,â Lily said sharply. âNo, James, please. Donât.â
âDonât what?â His eyes were alive with worry, and Lily hated it.
âDonât- donât be concerned!â
âIâm your friend,â he said slowly, stepping towards her. Broken glass crunched under his shoes.
âI canât be friends with you,â Lily said. âI canât. I canât.â
His mouth was wide open, his eyes wide and hurt. âLily-â
âI tried,â Lily said, the words spilling out of her in a flood. âI tried, Merlin, I tried. But I canât stay friends with you when Iâm in love with you, James.â
Lilyâs heartbeat thrummed in her ears, and she blinked hard against the tears suddenly building behind her eyes.
And then- then James moved forwards in one step, so he was so close that Lily could see the flecks of gold in his eyes, and gripped her face in his hands. âDid you ever think,â he breathed. âThat I stopped loving you?â
Then he kissed her, slow and soft and warm. It was everything Lily had imagined it would be, everything she had ever wanted- his hands were on her waist, her hands tangled in his messy hair.
âI love you,â he breathed as they pulled apart.
She smiled and kissed him again, her heart beating wildly in her chest. âGood.â