Jesus loves you!

Hello again my dearest hideout,

To be honest, for the past two years (almost), I thought I won't ever log in to this account anytime soon because I feel like I've finally learned to prioritize myself and that I have slowly healed from most (if not all) of the things that burdened me. It wasn't until a few weeks ago when I noticed myself spiraling in deep dark thoughts again. Maybe I needed a nudge spiritually, or a breather from a friend/from nature/from whatever, but I know I needed immediate help.

The thing is, on normal days, I know I'm okay. I get to work and act my usual -- side eyeing here and there. I live my life as a non-existent daughter/sister, who's just there for the funds. And everything else would be me, enjoying myself and trying my best to exist while looking out for ways to have fun.

But you know when sometimes you feel overly sensitive and even a little nudge of offend hurts you deep? Right now, I don't know but I feel like exploding silently and unnoticeably. Like what the new generation says, "ice cream cannot satisfy/heal this anymore.."

--maybe, just for tonight, I'll have a talk with God..like what I've done before because I know I needed saving.

Hello Zane,

Happy Birthday my little bunch of sunshine, my mini me, my cute niece! :)  I do hope that you are enjoying your birthday today, even when you don’t fully understand that it is your birthday... or what birthdays are all about. I do hope that you won’t feel anxious and shy with the people around you today. I hope you start learning to socialize with other people -- kids and adult alike. I do hope that you fill your memory with happy moments like this and treasure them as you grow up because those are something which couldn’t be stolen by anyone. And I do hope that you absorb all the love in this world. 

I came across one of my digital art posts here which quoted “Self-care sometimes mean disappointing someone for you to breathe.”  And I think, Yes that is real. It happens. Not that I want to invalidate their own feelings, it’s just that there are times when I want to acknowledge what will put me in a better state. Because it is draining, when everytime, you have to reconsider what you need to do, what you need to say, how you should act -- for the sake of living up to their expectations of you. 

it’s my first time opening my account after a loooooong time.

- don't ever try to show your emotions, they wouldn't understand no matter what

Her response: why are you even proud about it? I thought you were strong. What's all this drama?

---

My insides were literally shaking and I'm trying my best not to cry and not to make my voice break when I was telling her about this. But she went over and said I was proud and these are "drama" when I'm just letting her know and be aware that I can be anxious and depressed with life and all.

I'm crushed from the inside; I'm gasping for air.