It’s been almost four months since Austin killed himself and I’d be lying if I said it hadn’t gotten easier. I mean, I still think about him every day. But I no longer carry this weight? Is that a really shitty thing to say? It still sucks and I still miss him, but I don’t cry every day anymore and I can function a lot better. I can’t imagine what his family is still dealing with. I hope that not crying doesn’t mean I don’t care. I care so much. And I miss him so much, but mostly it just feels like a dream that happened and now it’s over. 

His mom told Allie what was written in his suicide note. I mean, first his brother told us. He told us that it had her name written all over it: “I can’t go on without her.” “I love her.” Dumb crap like that. But then his mom told Allie about how frantic and scattered it was. “My name is Austin Reis Ponder.” “I don’t want God to be mad at me.” “If there even is a God, I don’t want him to be mad at me.” “I don’t even know if there is a God.” “I don’t want to die.” 

I don’t even know why I’m writing this on here, when I probably should be writing in my journal. I don’t know. Anyway. I’m not sure why I can’t stop thinking about that note. Gosh, he didn’t want to die. We all knew he didn’t want to die. He just wanted it to be over. The ache, the pain, the torture. She wrecked him and it wasn’t fair. And I can’t blame her because people change and people move on and they have the freedom to do so, but I think she handled it so poorly that it truly just left this open wound on his heart and he couldn’t figure out how to heal. He tried for months and months to heal. 

He was exhausted. He was tired of fighting. I don’t know much about what happens after this life and how suicide is dealt with but I do know that he is safe and that he’s doing okay. He will not be judged on one act, he will be judged on his life and the legacy he lived.

one month later and it still feels like a dream.

i miss you so much. 

when i read the news i felt like i had been punched in the stomach. i can't believe you're gone. i wish i could talk to you one more time. i should have talked to you more. i should have texted you. i thought so many times that i should have checked in on you but i didn't. why didn't i? i wish i could have helped. i know you were fighting. and you fought long and hard internal battles that i'll never understand. it doesn't seem real that i'll never get to talk to you again. or see you. or hug you. or laugh with you. i wish you knew how loved you were. i should i have shown you how much i loved you.