new in here

I remember her eyes staring at me ...were they staring at me or diving in me? I know a lot of people say that my eyes are like the level of the Mediterranian sea although I have never felt like they want to swim in it. In reality.  And she didn't say any word nor letter. I knew she was sinking indeed.

My eyes are windows to my soul and I forgot to close them. However...do I want to close them this time?

 Everything about my new girlfriend makes me feel poetic, or it this the feel of love?It brings me to questions how big The love has to be to last forever?. Can you find yourself in THE love multiple times in your life? When is love The love? And what is love to the other person? Do people have answers for these questions?

Spain

I was so proud of my self that I keep the decision and went for my Erasmus traineeship. Even though I was at that point still engaged and in a long-distance relationship. I am an educator and I like to work with people on a various level so this internship was made just right for me. I could teach in a school with smaller groups and individuals, plan trips tutoring. In meanwhile study Arabic and Spanish.

I had only one problem, I didn't know almost anyone, I was restricted by my jealous fiance and as my respect to him, I spend almost 2 months in isolation. No sea, no parties, no fun. It was the night before my 21st birthday when I acknowledged that this is not me, this is not my life anymore. I couldn't feel any connection with myself, with my funny, social and heart warm Jessica. I needed time to think who I am. The best I could do was to put my phone down( long-distance relationship took me almost all my time and forced me to be constantly messaging). And I went to a party with my new friends. There was no need for alcohol or drugs, fun and freedom were my drugs. To be able to talk to people again made me feel myself again, and maybe even my better self.

Even though I am not supporting breakups trough message or skype there was no other option since we were thousands of kilometres away from each other. It was definitive for me, I wanted the end, I was listening to my intuition, I had no more power to fight for this toxic relationship. When I am looking back on this decision I am even prouder on my self, that I took all my fear of being alone and actually break off the engagement and the relationship. Don't get me wrong, I really loved the person, he was a definitely a unique person that doest mean that our relationship couldn't be toxic. Ironically the day of my break up I met my future partner. (that is another story) After my break up I was finally able to enjoy my Erasmus fully, I made friends for life, I let the sun sink into my skin and found out one important thing about my self. The main problem of the relationship was that he was no she. I could not imagine my self with a long relationship with a male even though I am attracted to them. So doesn't matter how much the relationship sucked, the secret solution was in my sexuality.

I find my own self 2 days before I should leave. It felt like a rebirth. I was leaving Alicante with tears in my eyes and dutch stroopwafels in my hands.  

THE WRONG ENGAGEMENT

From now on I will have the label of the one that was once engaged that didn't get married. 

In 2018 I was asked by my former boyfriend if I am going to be his wife, he went on one knee and presented an antique ring from 1924 as blue as my eyes. 

And I said YES.

 I always knew that I want to get married young, have a beautiful small wedding, have a children (also very young) and just live the family life. It made sense - he was finally a religious guy so he loved God as same as I did. And  I was his.

Days went by and everything was getting really complicated with our wedding papers and it seemed impossible to reach what we wanted. I was always saying “we can do it together” and I hoped that after this challenge there is good life waiting for us. But I was wrong behind it was another obstacle and another. 

It seemed like God is trying to tell me that this is not THE one that I supposed to spend my life with. So I listen to this calling and after a huge emotional break-up, the world opened for me again. 

It is always important for everyone to know the story from the beginning. 

In the beginning, there was darkness. Lots of it. 

I was not happy in my relationship anymore.  I was in a new country, didn't know anyone and my nightmares were strong as never before.

All of that should be changed in just a few weeks.