stay away, sweet misery.

TASK FOUR: ABOUT ME

For Jesse Russo (Milo Ventimiglia), life was perfect up until the day tragedy struck the small town of Mystic. After losing his daughter to the fire and having his wife file for divorce only a year later, things seemed to take an unexpected turn for the worst. Quitting his job at the fire station, Jesse settled for bartending at Moonie’s, taking ownership the family business. But with such responsibility also came exposure to a substance he couldn’t refuse — alcohol.

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       A small, concerned smile crosses her features. How was it that Jesse was so wonderful at giving advice, and yet when it came to his own pain and problems he was a closed book?! Dylan couldn’t comprehend how the man could possibly think he was a burden on others; or perhaps, his pain was too much to deal with. “I get it.. but, I just want you to know I’m here for you, okay? I don’t care if it’s the middle of the night and you need to unload.. I’m here, Jesse. Always.” Their bond had long ago been solidified, and no amount of time had weakened it. That much she knew for sure. “I bet. Did you know world bartender appreciation day is coming up? As everyone’s favourite bartender, I can imagine you’re going to get a lot of love.” 

                 Jesse wanted to open up. He wanted to believe that he could talk to her without judgement, but the truth was, he was scared. The Everlys had been a second family to him for as long as he could remember, and if they shut him out, he didn’t know where he would turn. Would Dylan feel as though she would have to tell his parents? And even worse, what kind of a role model would he be for her? Next to her brother, he had always been the one to look out for Dylan. The one to set examples. But would she ever be able to trust his sense of judgement if she knew that he was an alcoholic?

                “I love you, Dyl, and I truly appreciate that. But it’s not something you should have to do. I don’t want you to look at me and see all of my flaws.. It sounds silly, but I want you to look at me with pride.” The thought of confessing caused his head to spin, but at the same time, he didn’t know how he would ever make it through this alone. At the mention of a significantly lighter subject, Jesse’s lips curved into a cheeky grin. Truthfully, he hadn’t known about the holiday, but it was nice to think that such a thing existed. “That is if people are aware of the holiday. Either way, I’ll take all the love I can get.” 

                                   “Well, I am flattered that you at all think I could be banging Alex Tate — who is ridiculously hot, by the way. I heard his sister’s in town and she’s a little nosy. So, that would make keeping things a secret a little hard. Is he single, just as an aside?” Of course, Nora was joking. Or maybe she wasn’t. But that was for Jesse to figure out. Especially considering how impressively close his final three guesses turned out to be. Though she was careful not to react to any one name in particular, Nora did nod appreciatively, ready to compliment his sleuthing skills, even as a laugh came tumbling out of her. It seemed frivolous to mention that she wouldn’t likely ever be able to sleep with someone as dramatic as Warren Wolff, but he’d maybe be a good one night stand. Arya had to see something in him, right? “You are at least moderately on the right track, yes.”

                      Jesse couldn’t help but roll his eyes at Nora’s not-so-subtle segue. He had never seen Alex with anyone he’d suspected to be a romantic partner, although this wasn’t information he planned on sharing with his counterpart. Taking a few more moments to weigh his answers, it wasn’t long before Jesse had eliminated Warren from the list, deciding that the man was already far too busy with his slew of women. Besides, he had never seen them in the same room.

                        “Here’s my thought, I don’t think it’s Warren. Marcus is known to play the field and sleep around quite a bit, so I’m leaning toward him. He seems more your type than Ben does. Although I don’t know him as well as I know Ben, and you said it was someone I know... Will you give me a hint? Just a little one?” The man was awfully hopeful that Nora would be generous, though truthfully, he had his doubts.

— closed starter for @jesserusso​

3:45am. The light of her phone told her the time, though the way her mind buzzed she didn’t truly believe it. Thoughts swirling around her head, bouncing between the confines of her skull—seeking their escape. To break free. It had been like this, since those papers had come. Finalized and simply needing her signature. Those legal pieces, harbingers of the unknown, sowing seeds of doubt—fear—throughout her frame. Carolyn had been all but a ghost since opening them. Going through the motions of her day with that same smile and easy countenance. Happy, though vacant within the eyes. An image of her former self. The woman she had been before—

Laying there within her bed, she stared out the window. Eyes finding that quiet street—mind conjuring shadows that made it hard to breathe. That space was too large—too quiet. Shuffling free from the blankets she made her way out of her room. Checking the locks—the windows—until there was nothing else to do but sit. Wait. Laying herself down upon the couch, she looked up into the soft glow of her phone. Thoughts threatening to break her, until—the device would slip though her fingers and all but bounce off her face. An broken, yet quiet sort of laugh falling from her lips at the jolt—until she heard the ringing. In shock she stared down at what she’d done, not a pocket dial but still—too late to hang up for she heard a familiar voice. 

“I’m sorry, I know it’s late…” she whispered into the receiver.

-

               Jesse had never been much of a night owl before the fire. As a father, he’d learned to savour his sleep and as a firefighter, he had often gone to bed early, almost never knowing when he would be called into work. All of that had definitely changed over time, though. Now that he owned and operated Moonie’s, there were very few nights he fell asleep before 3 am, and tonight happened to be no exception.

                   After returning to his apartment by 2:50 and devouring a bag of Doritos to old Seinfeld re-runs, Jesse had just finally knocked out about twenty minutes before Carolyn’s call. With his head resting heavily against the pillow and a small stream of drool trickling down the side of his cheek, it took the man until the fourth ring before he realized just what was happening.

                  Grabbing his phone from the nightstand, Jesse’s heart began to race as he saw Carolyn’s name illuminate the screen. It definitely wasn’t like her to be up at this time of night, and if it wasn’t anything serious, she probably would have texted.

                  “H-Hello? Car? Please tell me you’re calling because you can’t sleep and not because there’s been an emergency. Is Avery okay?”

       If she wasn’t so caught up in her own thoughts and emotions, she might’ve noticed the fluctuation of looks on Jesse’s features a little earlier. But catch it, she did. She couldn’t read it well enough; truthfully, he’d never been one to lay out his emotions at the ready, and he was pretty good at ensuring everyone else was taken care of.. and that nobody worried about him. But sometimes, Dylan did. Particularly knowing everything he’d been through over the last few years, none of which he deserved. When he pulls her into his embrace, she can’t help but smile, sinking into him. He’d always been the most wonderful friend, another big brother to have behind her. Jesse was a true blessing. Resting her head on his shoulder, she can’t help but smile, admittedly a little teary. His words touched her deep, knowing they came from a place of love and genuine care. And that, he was right. Only she would know. “How do you always know the right thing to say? I honestly envy you and your ability to be so empathetic towards another’s situation, always giving sage advice.” She pauses a moment, contemplating just how game she was to ask the next question. “How are you? And I mean really.. how are you?” 

                It was difficult for Jesse not to laugh at her comment. Not because it was true or because it wasn’t, but because he often wished that he could give himself those same words of wisdom. For as long as he could remember, others has come to him for answers. Dating advice, life advice, and even Nora’s recent conundrum about her fuck buddy. He shouldn’t have been good at this, but he was. And yet when it came down to his own problems, Jesse froze. “I wish I had an answer for you, but unfortunately, I don’t.”

                 With a small chuckle, he gazed down at the brunette, watching her expression change within a matter of seconds. It was nice to know that somebody cared about him, or even worried about him, but he didn’t want her to. Her family had done more than enough for him when his life had become a mess, and now almost ten years later, he didn’t want her to know how little had changed. “I’m hanging in there, you know. Being the best I can be. Things have been a little crazy lately, but I’m surviving.”

                              Laughing at Jesse’s persistence, Nora placed both palms flat against the bar top, then leaning in to mirror her friend’s mischievous smile. “… ‘Kay, I’ll give you one guess. And I’ll tell you if you’re right or wrong. I’ll have to take a rain check on the drink, though. I’ve gotta get going soon, I’m sure it’s fairly busy over at the bakery.” His remark about being her outlet for advice would’ve had Nora spitting out a drink, if she had taken him up on his offer so, for once, she was grateful to have declined it. “Uh, no. But you know him. And people regularly spill their souls to bartenders. You have a very.. You have a way about you. Very open, and pragmatic. You did give me good advice, by the way, even if I didn’t take it.”

                  Jesse couldn’t quite tell whether Nora was truly in a hurry, or whether she was trying to avoid another apology cake, but either way he was disappointed. Allowing his shoulders to slump in an exaggerated fashion, the bartender completed his act with a complimentary pout. “Way to let me down, Nor. But fine, give me a second to weigh my options.” As Jesse leaned himself back against the counter, his mind began to bounce from person to person. He knew a lot of people in town, so that clue wasn’t much help. He did at least know that it wasn’t Wyatt, but what other mutual friends did that leave? “I considered Alex for a split second, but I hope you wouldn’t let me down by fraternizing with the competition,” he said with a wink. “I feel like Dean would almost be too obvious after last time. I know Oliver is somewhat back with his ex... Roman is probably too young to be your taste. Which leaves me with Marcus, Ben, and Warren. Will you tell me if I’m on the right track?”

        Dylan nods some, not pressing much further on the matter; figuring that his words, or lack thereof, meant that there was a lot more on his mind than he was willing to let on. And, that didn’t bother her so much as the fact that she wanted to be there for him, the same way she knew Jesse would always, undoubtedly, be there for her. “Hey, it’s okay. I know how it gets.. I mean, it’s not as fast paced here as it is in New York but, a lot’s been happening. Ah, right,” laughter spills from her lips, amusement colouring her features at the mere thought of Jesse’s mom telling him to do so. She’d always been fairly protective over the Everly kids, particularly after the passing of her best friend, Rosie. Dylan always felt like she had a piece of her mom with her, knowing Mrs Russo was around. She was too tied to her childhood not to be. “You can let your mom know that I’m okay, and I’m.. handling it.” Not quite.

       “Oh—he’s tried. I’m sure he has. He’s a man of few words, so I know there’s far more to the story than he’s letting on, but.. he has a right to be mad.” She was almost avoidant — to say the least — when faced with questions regarding Harrison. But in Jesse, she’d always placed a lot of trust and.. maybe it was good talking to someone who knew her her entire life, but wasn’t too close to home enough to take it personally. “I.. can’t really say. We’ve spoken a few times, but I think he came here for me. To mend our relationship. To go back to the way we were. And I just—honestly, Jesse,” Somehow, without even really noticing, tears had begun prickling in the backs of her eyes, and it’s only when Dylan captures Jesse’s gaze that she really shows the turmoil she was experiencing within. “I don’t know what to do.”

               In a lot of ways Jesse felt bad for Dylan — angry, protective, and everything in between. She was a special person, a true rarity, and he would never be able to understand what had driven Harrison to make such a poor decision. Why had he thrown away diamonds for fools gold? Why had he chosen lust over deep and unconditional love? It was clear that the man had made a mistake and even he seemed to recognize it, but some thing were just too difficult to forgive.

              Between bouts of anger and sadness for his friend, Jesse felt something he hadn’t been expecting. Jealousy. Not for her situation or the pain that it had caused her, but of Harrison’s return and the way that he had fought for her. For over a decade Jesse had waited, thinking that Victoria may have a similar moment of clarity. But it never came. She never came and he hadn’t even done anything. In fact, Jesse had been loyal to a fault.

              “Dyl, it’s going to be okay. We’re going to figure this out together, hmm? I won’t let him hurt you. Not again.” Wrapping his arm around her shoulders, Jesse pulled her into his embrace. If it made even a small difference, he would hold her for as long as she needed. “At the end of the day, nobody knows him the way you do. I can judge him all I want, but only you know his heart. Only you know when he’s being genuine. And only you will know the right thing to do.”

A snicker left her lips that was impossible to control. He brought up a good point. While on the outside, Emilia was confident enough to say she wouldn’t care. But she might hold a different sentiment when they’re onto the third dessert and she’s got frosting all over her face like a cartoon character. So looking around, she decides to play it safe. “Yeah… I might have a little shame. So let’s take the coward’s route and go eat in the car.” Her eyes continue to drift around. Yeah maybe hiding would be the best option. She leans over to Jesse with a faded grin. “You have to help me protect my image.” And what image was that? That she didn’t over-indulge herself with sweets? Or that she had shame in over indulging? The survey was still out on that joke there.

              Jesse had gotten over his image long ago, knowing that almost any label would be better than the one the fire had branded him. While most people would think that the man’s relation to Moonie’s would outweigh the rest of his story, that just didn’t seem to be the case. Nobody had ever said anything to his face, but he could see it in the way that people looked at him. In the way that they whispered when his back was turned, or even in the way that they encouraged him to move on. Jesse knew that residents of Mystic talked about his family in the same context that they enjoyed watching true crime documentaries or discussing serial killers. People just had a strange fascination with heartbreak and mortality. 

              Pulling himself out of these morbid thoughts, Jesse nodded his head in agreement and pushed open the door, allowing the bell to chime from above them. “It’s a good thing I didn’t take my Harley like I was going to. It wouldn’t have been the most comfortable place to eat and your image still would have been in jeopardy.” After holding open the door and waiting for Emilia to pass, Jesse lead her across the street and over to the shiny black vehicle. “Should we sit in the back where we have more room to spread out, or up front where we can use the arm rest as a table?”

She laughed at that, a warm and soft sort of sound as a shrug would lift her shoulders. Despite the implication that words like criminal would create—the one that rose up in regards to Avery, Carolyn couldn’t help the playfulness that enveloped her then. She couldn’t prevent herself from choosing the lightness of her thoughts over the worry that cried out to be heard.  No, those dark and twisted things were kept upon the periphery, by his jokes. By her want to be present. “You’ll just have to trust me,” she countered then, a mischievous slant finding her smile as she dared him to contradict her. “And my ability to get around my neighbour,” she added as a knock at the door would be heard.

“Speak of the devil,” she murmured, jumping into action as she all but spun, towards the fridge. Standing upon the tips of her toes to reach for the lid and that red insulated bag from the top. Carolyn moved then as if she were dancing, an almost grace capturing her busy body, as she reached into drawers—found the things she need. “One second—” she called towards the door, loud enough to be heard, despite her general quiet nature. The red head poured half of that glaze into a Ziploc bag then. Popping the top over one of those glass trays of cinnamon buns—still hot—as she’d answer his question. “I have a couple, what type did you need?” she asked as she’d reach for her oven mitts to place that tray into the bag. Thinking as she moved. “There should be—a compact drill in the tool box around the corner, and I have an impact drill in my room…” she explained, closing that Ziploc bag before placing it on top of that glass tray. She laughed at Jesse’s teasing, as he played into their age difference—her joke. “Oh what would my mama say…” she teased, ensuring that insulated carried was closed tight.

“Sorry, one second,” she looked to Jesse then, before moving towards the front door and the elderly man that stood behind it. “Frank, just in time,” she told him, ensuring her took the bag by the handle—explaining that they’d just come out of the oven, and that they’d be very hot. After those minor thanks and pleasantries—instructions on how to reheat, Carolyn would return to Jesse, an apology written all over her face. “Sorry about that,” she started with a smile, “That was Frank, the neighbour with the tire,” those words added playfully, “It’s his turn to bring something to his weekly game, and his wife’s out of town. So it only seemed fair,” she added in way of an explanation. 

“Now where were we…Right! The drill, um…will the ones I have work, or did you need something different?”

-

               Jesse watched in amusement as Carolyn danced around the kitchen. It was common for parents to be skilled in multitasking and she was definitely no exception to that stereotype. Although he’d had to learn such abilities over the years, the bartender wished that he had been able to do it with quite as much grace. “And why does one keep an impact drill in their room?” He teased her, wondering whether or not it would be appropriate to make the joke that had crossed his mind, before quickly deciding against it.

               Watching as she made her way toward the door with the entire tray of cinnamon buns, Jesse couldn’t help but sulk. Truthfully he had been eyeing one in particular, hoping that it would still be there waiting for him once he had finished the job. “I don’t know, Car... that man is going to be watching the game and he walked away with my cinnamon bun? All I’m saying is I’d better hurry so I can go crash the party,” he said with a chuckle. “Either one should work just fine.”

WHO: @jesserusso ! WHEN: november 1st, that evening ! WHERE: moonie’s !

“Okay…. listen….” they begin, hoping he wasn’t having any post-tattoo regrets from the night prior, “I’m going to be completely honest… we could have done a lot worse. Our tattoos look fuckin’ rad, and we have a great story to tell folks when we’re two old pals in rocking chairs you know? Better yet? It’s totally a party story. Besides, you make that black cat tattoo look so bad ass, so… I guess what I’m trying to say is: what do you think?”

            Jesse didn’t remember much about the latter half of his evening, though he could definitely recall walking into the tattoo parlour and selecting the black cat design from Carolina’s flash sheet. At the time, he had thought of it as the perfect way to commemorate his costume, but as of now, that memory wasn’t sitting so well. In truth, it could have been a lot worse. He could have chosen something like a clown or a piece of candy corn. It also could have been lot bigger, or in a more noticeable location. “The thing is, I feel like it works for you. It even looks cool on you. But on me? I just look like a man who really loves his cat. Which, I mean, is true. But I don’t know if thats necessarily an attractive quality... is it? If I was going to get a black cat, I should have gotten something like a panther. You know? Something bad ass.” 

carolyn-render·:

-

Playfully she’d swat at Emily’s arm then, head giving an amused sort of shake, yet still Carolyn remained utterly unable to hide the smile from her face. “Yes, a friend,” she echoed, though perhaps more so for herself. To usher the doubt that had begun to fester—to ruin that happy day and night. No, Carolyn wouldn’t allow that, and so just  as quickly as it had come, the dark was sent away. Allowing the woman to focus on the good. To laugh even, at what Emily had said.

Carolyn had just started to confirm Jesse’s costume, when Emily had went on. A flush finding her cheeks at the blonde appraisal of the other. A heat that rose into her features, and one that remained with Emily’s protective nature. “He hasn’t, though you can’t hold it against him, the fact that he’s even willing to be around me speaks volumes for the saint he is,” she shook her head then, amusement in the words despite their heaviness. That self-deprecating humour. “He knows about—” she trailed off, implying he who would not be named, “I told him a few days after the wedding, after everything that happened there…”

She had told Emily what had happened, perhaps not in the detail that the blonde had wanted but Carolyn did share what she had learned. About the conversations that had happened after. She had to tell someone—though hadn’t given Warren’s name or any true details about him. That was his secret to tell. “So I think all of that sort of shot the idea of a date in the foot, don’t you? Besides, I probably shouldn’t be allowed to date regardless.” With that she smiled, a part of her meaning those words for after everything that had happened—after the wedding, Warren—Cohen and Jesse. No, she didn’t deserve much.

-

Emily shook her head. “Even if you didn’t try, many of the men in this town would burst if they thought they had a chance with you.” She said confidently. “Also you’re a hot redhead. If I rolled that way, I’d probably have fantasies about you too.” Emily said teasingly even though she meant every word. “Oh…” Emily raised a brow, slightly impressed that this Jesse guy hasn’t run off. Maybe she should give him more credit. 

“Why shouldn’t you be allowed to have fun and move on? A man wouldn’t even think twice.” Emily pushed herself up from the sink and walked closer to Carolyn. She placed her hands on both her arms and spoke bluntly. “If I didn’t love you so much, I’d join in on the self depricating comments. But, until when will you continue punishing yourself? You deserve to be happy just as much as anyone else. I think even more.” She reased Carolyn’s arm, grabbing another slice of pizza to stuff her face.

“Besides, men and women can not be just friends without ever thinking about sleeping with each other.” To prove a point, Emily brought up Cohen. It was her intent to build him up to Carolyn, but she probably did the opposite. “Cohen is one of my best friends and I can recall times I thought about him naked. He’s packing on a lot more than it looks,” She said, nudging the other woman’s arm.

A few moments later, the doorbell rang and Emily made her way to open it. “Well, hello. You must be Jesse.” Emily greeted the handsome stranger, opening the door wider for him to enter the house. Standing behind the man, Emily made sure to catch Carolyn’s attention so she could mod in approval while giving her a little wink from across the room.

@jesserusso·

              Although Jesse had some reservations about his costume, he knew that it wouldn’t matter in the grand scheme of things. Tonight was all about Avery and her experience trick or treating, rather than what he looked like as an unexpected chaperone. 

              Nerves growing within the pit of his stomach, Jesse stopped to remove his motorcycle helmet before replacing it with the black, fuzzy cat ears he’d purchased from the costume shop earlier that week. It was hard to say why he was always so flustered by the red head. He had come to know Carolyn fairly well over the last few months — arguably a little too well. But as hard as he tried to shake this inner anxiety, Jesse made his way up to the door feeling much like a schoolboy with a crush. 

               Before he could waste another moment, Jesse rang the doorbell, allowing his eyes to wander as he waited. It was easy to see that both Avery and Carolyn were fans of the holiday, taking note of the jack-o-lanterns sitting on either side of the front steps, along with the number of decorations they’d positioned around the front yard. As the door creaked open, a bright smile lit up his features, already prepared with a compliment. “I always knew you were a wizard with the scissors, but it turns out you can carve a—” Finally meeting the woman’s eyes, he came to discover that the blue orbs staring back at him were not those he had become accustomed to. Face flushing a bright shade of red, Jesse paused to clear his throat before finally speaking once more. “In the flesh. Sorry, I thought you were Carolyn. She didn’t think to tell me that her fairy godmother would be here. Please tell me you won’t turn my motorcycle into a pumpkin come midnight.”

                                   True to form, even with the number of folks milling about, Jesse hadn’t at all forgotten the very subject of their previous messages and Nora was groaning internally. Enough time hadn’t elapsed for her to pass it off as something she herself had forgotten, so she was finding herself a little stuck. With Jesse having taken the cake tray off her hands, Nora didn’t even have anything she could fidget with to occupy her time while she tried to come up with an answer. Clearing her throat slightly, Nora’s gaze darted away from Jesse for a moment, before her eyes rested on him once more. “I dunno,” she began, forcing a teasing lilt into her voice, despite her sudden nerves. She valued Jesse’s opinion and, for once, didn’t have the faintest idea how he’d react to the truth. So, it was best to keep it under wraps for now. “Isn’t there something to be said for secrecy? It’s sexy, you know?” She wondered how long it would take him to call out her bullshit, practically wincing as she braced for the impact of it all. 

               Jesse should have known that Nora would be a tough nut to crack. She had always been rather stubborn, only ever opening up once alcohol had worked its way into her system. “Hey, and who says I can’t keep a secret? I won’t tell the person that I know if you don’t want me to. I’ll even make you a special Halloween drink on the house. Anything you want.” With a mischievous grin, Jesse turned to set the cake down onto the counter behind him before presenting Nora with their new special holiday menu. He had to admit that he was quite proud of it, puns and all. “I also have to ask why I was the person you went to advice for on such a risque topic. Do I give off Christian Grey vibes or something?”

The idea of running around town on Jesse’s back had her cheeks flushing. It was sweet, though, she really couldn’t argue with that. “Damn, what a missed opportunity.” Though she’s always had a weak spot for matching costumes. But this was planned months in advanced, who knew if Jesse even registered Halloween before the end of summer. “It’s fine I guess.” She sighs wistfully. “I guess if I really want it I’ll just have to complain about my feet hurting long enough.” She shrugs, flashing a knowing look to the other before grinning. “Just kidding. I don’t want to burst your old knees.” Her hand comes up, squeezing his shoulder. 

Of course, though, he knows how this works. She’s pretty certain there will be no piggy backing of any sort once they start digging in. More likely both ending up laying on the ground surrounded by sugar. With her hand still on him, she peers up, looking over the counter as the attendant starts to bag their things. “Good call, those cake pops look like they do not like sharing partners.” When the box came there way, she cooed at the sight, giving a thank you to the attendant before her eyes fixed to the box. “I’m ready, Jesse, I’ve already put myself in the cake mindset, there’s no going back now.” She says, reaching to make grabbing motions towards the box.

              With the desserts now secure in his hand, he grabbed two plastic forks and a pile of napkins from the counter. If the weight of the box was any indication, the two of them would be putting on about ten pounds by morning. “You’ve got it, Em. Just one thing.. are we sitting in here where people can judge us, or taking things out to the car? Honestly, I have no shame, so I’m fine with either. But if you don’t want people to see us attack this box of desserts...” Glancing around the bakery, he noticed a few people seated at the small cafe tables. But while some of them were sharing a slice of cake, nobody had an order even close to the size of theirs. 

As annoyed as she was, the joke had earned her a laugh, rolling her eyes. Of course, it’s hard to even be mad at him when he tries like that. They’ve been around each other too much for him not to have some super power over her. The kind that makes it impossible to truly, genuinely be mad.

And she’s not. She’s just confused. Frustrated. Exhausted.

When she starts to explain herself, she moves, taking a seat at her dining table where she faces him, sipping her own beer. She wont break from looking at him, because she wants him to know that while charmed, he’s not off the hook. “I know you weren’t trying to hurt me, Jesse. I’m not hurt.” She clarifies, because she isn’t. No tears have been shed over Jesse. Not those kind of tears anyways. He’s managed tears from her in moments of vulnerability, but that was never because of something he’d inflicted. “I’m just confused.” She puts her bottle down on the table. “We have been there for each other for years. You know I’m not trying to fuck around, you know what I’m looking for. You can’t toss those words around so casually and then back peddle like they mean nothing. They don’t.” She now can’t stand sitting, so she gets up, grabbing her beer bottle. “I don’t even care if you run with half the town because you want to date again. I only care if you do it with me.” Her nail presses into the skin of her chest, and she goes on. “Honestly, Jesse, I have no reason not to want to be with you.” She admits, palms up as if she’s given up. Because really, to try and suggest she felt nothing would be absurd. “You’re attractive, you know all of my baggage, and you still show up for me. You’re a good man and you’re right, we’re good together. But I do not have time to be your experiment. I am not a lake to dip your toes into. And if you fuck with me, I will make sure neither of us come out alive.” Because she knows, with all they’ve been through, there’s only one part of herself she hasn’t given over to him, and if she does, and he mistreats it, she’s not sure she’ll be able to take it.

“So you have to tell me what you really want Jesse. Tell me now while things are still good and we don’t ever have to talk about this again. We can have a beer, watch a movie, and forget it every happened. But do not dangle me on a chain.” Because she’s rather certain, there’s no way he actually wants this. Not the way she does.

               While he had been expecting the questions and backlash, Jesse had not been anticipating such an ultimatum. As someone who had been wounded in the past, he was able to understand her side of things — her need for clarity and security. But as much as he wished that he was able to give her such an answer, he couldn’t. For Jesse this was all so new. Not only the potential for what they could be, but dating in general. He didn’t know where to start or if he was totally and completely ready. But if there was one thing he knew for certain, it was the fact that he refused to drag her along for the ride as he figured it out.

               Anxiety growing within the pit of his stomach, Jesse released a small but shaky breath before pausing to take a sip of his beer. He knew he couldn’t stall forever, but there was just so much to say. “I wish I could tell you what you want to hear and put your mind at ease, but I just don’t feel like I’m in the position to do so, Em. I’m still figuring things out and I don’t feel as though it would be right to date anyone until I do so. It wouldn’t be fair to you. So, I’m sorry but.. I think we’re just going to have to be friends. I refuse to keep you waiting when I know there are a million other guys who would be so lucky to have you.”

               There was one other thing Jesse wanted to say, though he couldn’t seem to will his lips to do so. Perhaps the biggest reason he was turning her away, and the biggest reason his happiness had been put on hold. “I have a problem, Em. Baggage far bigger than yours. So big that I’ve never told you or our group. No one. Because I’m ashamed.” His palms grew clammy and his heart began to race, knowing that there was a rather good chance that she would turn him away once the truth had come to light. And he couldn’t even blame her for doing so. “I drink. A lot more than you think and a lot more than I should. I refuse to expose you to that side of me. You already saw too much of him at the wedding.”

Wyatt paused as he waited for Jesse to respond, giving him the time he needed to get his thoughts together first. Taking a sip of his drink, he nods when his cousin finally explains. “Well, first off… I would’ve beat the shit out of him the second he tried to pull that sorta crap, if I had been you, so I get it. Secondly, I really don’t think this was completely one-sided, Jess.” Wyatt had only seen them together the night they all had met, but it sure didn’t seem like Carolyn was just putting up with Jesse then. “I mean, you two hit it off like a house on fire that night. She might not know exactly what she’s feeling, right now. But she’ll figure herself out. And she’d be lucky to have you instead of Warren, that’s for damn sure.” Wyatt may be a little biased, but he truly didn’t think there was a better guy in town than his cousin. Sure, he had his difficulties, they all did. But Jesse truly cared about people. He had a good heart. And Wyatt was grateful to have him. 

He chuckled at Jesse’s change of subject. “It was good… up until I had a bit of a run in with Hadley. But you know the second I introduce you to Liv I’m going to be inundated with scathing calls from my mother asking how come I’m hiding Liv from her.” He shakes his head with a roll of his eyes. While Wyatt knew how he felt about Liv, he was still figuring out if she felt anything towards him. And he wasn’t about to bring his whole family into the mix while they were still trying to navigate that. Jesse, maybe. But the Davis/Russo grapevine was almost as bad as Mystic’s and he didn’t know if he’d be able to keep it under control once they all knew.  

              Jesse certainly appreciated the sentiment, though he couldn’t say he agreed. Warren wasn’t the best pick, but could he really say that he was? Not only was he new to the dating scene, but on most days he still struggled to get over his ex of nine years. Not to mention the drinking problem he had been concealing for almost as long. “I suppose. If anything, it’s taught me that I might be jumping into this all a little too quickly. Maybe I’m not ready.” Jesse probably could have gotten away with this excuse a year or two after his marriage had ended, maybe even five. But people had been bugging him about this for so long now that even he had begun to realize that he needed to get back out there. 

              “Oh god, and how did that go? Are things still weird between the two of you? You’re such a mama’s boy. I can’t believe you already told her about your crush. You know that’s only asking for trouble. Even my mom will get in on this if she finds out. Hunting her down, inviting her over for dinner... Before you know it, she’ll be knitting her a sweater for Christmas.” With a playful smirk, Jesse eyed his cousin inquisitively. If he was going to go fishing for details on Carolyn, then the least he could do in return was pry a little. “God, I feel like you’re back in high school when I say this, but have you told her how you feel?”

       The very instant her gaze rested upon Jesse Russo, a widespread smile grew on her features. He had to, without a doubt, be one of her favorite people.. always having considered him something of an older brother, someone she and Forrest could rely on growing up. And they had. He reminded her of his mother, Katherine, especially in the way they made a tough situation lighthearted, and something about their overall aura, the energy they radiated. It always brought a smile to her face because Katherine so often reminded her of better times, when she and Rosie would be laughing like crazy in the Everly kitchen. They reminded her of the better times, having close attachments to the very person she lost. This, and she just knew Jesse was a good guy — he always had been. 

       “Well, well, well.. I might just say the same. Where’ve you been, stranger?!” Dylan leans forth, manoeuvring her legs so she can reach forward enough to plant a kiss on his cheek, giving him a one-armed squeeze of a hug before pulling back with her signature dimpled smile. She’s back in her original position now, her back comfortably situated against the column. “Luckily enough for him, he’s not here.. at least, not on the farm.” He was most certainly in town, but she didn’t need to emphasise that point, for Jesse clearly already knew. And with narrowed eyes, she begs to question, “Who told you? My dad..? Forrest?” 

              Jesse hadn’t expected Dylan to be without questions. She had always been rather perceptive that way. “I’ve... been around.” Despite his lack of an excuse, there were plenty of reasons why he hadn’t stopped by. Besides the busy work days and sleepless nights, Jesse had also had to deal with the aftermath of the wedding and the emotions that had come over him. Most of the time, nursing these thoughts in unhealthy ways. “I promise I’ll swing by more often, it’s just been a crazy month. And technically neither... Your dad told my mom, who told me to come over here and force the man on a plane back to New York.” 

            He couldn’t help but laugh at the thought of his mother’s anger, clearly wanting to protect her second daughter from any source of pain. It was the way she had always been, but even more so after Rosie’s passing. According to her, there were just some things that men didn’t understand. And in a house that was rather full of them, she wanted Dylan to know that she would always have someone to talk to if and when she needed it. “How is that going, by the way? I’m surprised Forrest doesn’t have a warrant out for his arrest by now.”