Jay Claire

Today, I started on a new path in my journey. I started a brand new job and a big girl job at that. Of all the dry lectures there was one man who stood out to me with three simple words. USE YOUR RESOURCES. 

In the hustle and bustle of my crazy day I’ve acquired 8 hours at my new job and then having to rush to my other job after I’m acquiring another 5. I can tell you that I have shed tears, yelled at people and almost given up just because of this one day. I can also tell you through all the exhaustion I’m almost finished with this long, treacherous day, only to get up and do it again. So where does using my resources come in? 

My coping skill: ASK FOR HELP. 

Seeing as how I won’t have time too run to the store I polity, while still bawling my eyes out, called my mother and asked her for her help. Knowing that the next 6 weeks might actually be hell, I’ve asked the only other person who knows how to do my job to take over until I can get situated in this new job. Sometimes I can forget to ask for help and that when either my dad or my amazing boyfriend come in to tell me “Pull up your big girl pants and get the job done.” 

I’ve known ONE man to show me unconditional love. In my worst moments he never gave up on me, no matter if I repeated that same mistake over and over, treated him in a shitty way, or just needed a little attention. This man has now passed and since then I’ve done my best to be as loving in the most unconditional ways possible. 

I’m this girl: The kind who doesn’t run from a challenge, who doesn’t care how shitty your past is, what you have or don’t have, how shitty you could treat someone, what your mental condition is because I’m just as sick too. I have a thinking disease that prevents me from behaving in a way that a “normal” person would. So what right would I have to judge or not love anyone else?

Here’s the deal. We are all children of God, or whatever your higher power is. So when I’m judging you or anyone else I’m judging Gods handy work and thats not my place. So, we unconditionally love. Just as our Higher Power would love each and every single one of us. It’s unconditional. It’s worth it.

I’ve gone through life thinking I was “ready”. Ready to move out of my parents home, ready for college and ready to grow. In each instance I’ve been blind-sided with life or something almost similar to chaos. In March, I came across someone who was soon to be my greatest mentor and possibly one of my biggest role models. To this day, she teaches me how to get through the hardest and sometimes the most outlandish things.

That day in March, when our paths crossed, I knew that I was ready to grow. She appeared in one of the most trying times of my life and has grown to be one of thee most amazing women that I have come to meet. The most important thing that she teaches me is that I’m not alone and I’m worth it. When I don’t believe I’m worth it, I have enough faith and trust in her beliefs about me and it pulls me out of the gates of hell.

This weekend I ventured out to Gaylord for a trip called “Badass Camping”. The expectation that I would see someone who I miss so close to my heart... He passed away in March. Since then, my emotions have been all over the grid.. From extreme highs to very extreme lows and the hardest thing to do is keep my composure and pretend that everything is alright. People keep asking me what they did wrong or why I won’t talk to them... It’s quite simple actually... I just don’t want to talk to anyone. 

That Saturday, I decided to take the day to get spiritually recharged. I went out on the canoe by myself and the wind started blowing so bad that I changed direction and couldn’t turn around. I became overwhelmed with anxiety and fear and the only thing I wanted was for him to be there to tell me I was going to be alright and I’d be okay, because for some reason the fear became so overwhelming that I froze. A few friends came to my rescue and towed me back, but Kimmer wasn't there at the end of the dock to hug me and say that I was okay. 

Today has been an array of emotions and stressors. Earlier this morning I found myself yelling at someone on the phone over something I could not control. I wanted the power and control and not having it made me angry.

We have control of only one thing; that is an arms length in front of us. We cannot control the people who are around us. We can only control ourselves and that includes out attitudes and actions. I was told once that “Life is 10% or what happens to us and 90% how we react.” In my case this morning, I reacted so poorly that I couldn’t handle the situation and at some point in the rage I managed to stop myself and ask if I could call back later on that day to get back on my square.

I attend church every Sunday. Not just to worship a loving God as I understand him, but to also see if there is any messages God wants me to hear. Todays message was just that; “The battleground of beliefs is in our mind.” 

My belief system is arranged of many different things and that could go anywhere from Buddhism to Christianity and even the Law of Attraction. Just what does that entail? A loving and compassionate being that knows more than I could even imagine knowing. I’ve been told in my life that certain beliefs are better than others, but what made the most sense to me was told to me by a friend whom I look up to spiritually. He said “Christianity says we were born into sin and that we could be relieved of sin by trusting in Jesus Christ and that Buddhism says it is the world that has changed our views.” Both of those made absolute sense to me in the simple fact that they are both true. 

Over the past few weeks I have been in combat with many different stressors and the one thing that has kept me almost sane through it all is giving away anything I think that I can control to this Higher Power and in turn, anything and everything that has occurred that seemed almost too overwhelming was taken care of. So, what does this have to do with the title? 

I was recently confronted, again, with someone whom I admire, love and adore. This certain person is bi-polar and manic and in talking about this he said something that stuck out to me; Society doesn’t do a whole lot for those who have this mental illness. It’s not something that has an anonymous group of people who meet like an AA meeting or have people do things like Relay for Life. 

In my life I’ve come to realize that it doesn’t not matter what our mental illness is or if we don’t have a mental illness. We are equal. We are human being. We shouldn’t be shunned or ignored because we are “sick”. I have also come to realize that these mental illness’ do not define us; that mental illness is not who we are, but apart of who we are and we can either accept it with action or tuck tail and run. I am a firm believer that we can change the outcome of any circumstance in our live with God’s help or your own conception of a Higher Power. Even then, that requires ACTION.