Dear Jessa,

Everyday, life teaches me what real love feels like. You’ll know it’s real when it’s an instict to protect and feel for your person as if rocks were thrown at you instead.

You feel sad because all you can do is trust. Trust that it’s a hardship that he has to conquer as an individual and just wait until it gets calm.

It is painful and frustrating yet another proof that the love that I know has evolved into something powerful. Powerful in the sense it inspires you to become a better person in order to protect the one you love. It helps you strengthen your relationship with God because you are grateful and fearful at the same time.

Word for word. The role of marketing in this election.

👇👇👇

The inability to receive support from others is a trauma response.

Your “I don’t need anyone, I’ll just do it all myself” conditioning is a survival tactic. And you needed it to shield your heart from abuse, neglect, betrayal, and disappointment from those who could not or would not be there for you.

From the parent who was absent and abandoned you by choice or the parent who was never home from working three jobs to feed and house you.

From the lovers who offered sexual intimacy but never offered a safe haven that honored your heart.

From the friendships and family who ALWAYS took more than they ever gave.

From all the situations when someone told you “we’re in this together” or “I got you” then abandoned you, leaving you to pick up the pieces when shit got real, leaving you to handle your part and their part, too.

From all the lies and all the betrayals.

You learned along the way that you just couldn’t really trust people. Or that you could trust people, but only up to a certain point.

Extreme-independence IS. A. TRUST. ISSUE.

You learnt: if I don’t put myself in a situation where I rely on someone, I won’t have to be disappointed when they don’t show up for me, or when they drop the ball... because they will ALWAYS drop the ball EVENTUALLY right?

You may even have been intentionally taught this protection strategy by generations of hurt ancestors who came before you.

Extreme-independence is a preemptive strike against heartbreak.

So, you don’t trust anyone.

And you don’t trust yourself, either, to choose people.

To trust is to hope, to trust is to be vulnerable.

“Never again,” you vow.

But no matter how you dress it up and display it proudly to make it seem like this level of independence is what you always wanted to be, in truth it’s your wounded, scarred, broken heart behind a protective brick wall.

Impenetrable. Nothing gets in. No hurt gets in. But no love gets in either.

Fortresses and armor are for those in battle, or who believe the battle is coming.

It’s a trauma response.

The good news is trauma that is acknowledged is trauma that can be healed.

You are worthy of having support.

You are worthy of having true partnership.

You are worthy of love.

You are worthy of having your heart held.

You are worthy to be adored.

You are worthy to be cherished.

You are worthy to have someone say, “You rest. I got this.” And actually deliver on that promise.

You are worthy to receive.

You are worthy to receive.

You are worthy.

You don’t have to earn it.

You don’t have to prove it.

You don’t have to bargain for it.

You don’t have to beg for it.

You are worthy.

Worthy.

Simply because you exist.

It’s supposed to feel bittersweet but you know, some people just can’t stop themselves from being what they are.

It’s hard to be Jesus-like but I don’t want to leave with a heavy heart.

From this day forward, I won’t comment anything about her anymore. My heart is tired as it is. I can’t absorb any more hatred and anger.

Things I discovered about him

1. He is himself. Never best foot forward, just himself.

2. He remembers everything I say.

3. He thinks about what he says.

4. He plans.

5. He always says the right words.

6. He is independent.

7. He is mature.

8. He knows what he wants.

9. He is smart.

10. He likes reading literatures, fiction, and everything else that I’m not interested in 😂

11. He is a really good photographer.

12. He likes storytelling.

13. He’s unconscious about “our” progress but it’s gone a long way since day 1.

14. He tries to improve on his own for me.

15. He updates me sometimes? 😂

Things I learned

1. Immediate response doesn’t mean you’re not being acknowledged. He’s just careful with his thoughts and words.

2. Good things really take time. Trust God’s timing.

3. You are always going to discover new things about each other.

4. Opposite does not mean you’re not meant to be. It means you have a lot to learn about each other and the world he lived in before you 😊

5. Progress is progress. Even if it’s only tiny steps. 🐾

6. He is turning out to be the person I prayed for. Parang siya na.