objectively funny btw

Alright, so let’s get this started: create new world, world name is going to be… Jerma Craft! Sounds about right, yeah, okay. Game mode is going to be survi—… survival, that’s the most interesting, I think. More world options, seed for world generator—okay this is important! I gotta name this something… uhh, crazy, to get cool structures and stuff. Gonna name it… um… how about, diamonds… are forever… el oh el… cheese… uh, burgah. Alright there—that’s our world generator seed: “diamonds are forelah LOL cheeseburgah.”

Done. Alright, let’s see what happens. Create new world, let’s do it guys. Building terrain, oh my God, this is so exciting, this is episode one! Wonder where—I wonder where we’re gonna end up. Where are we gonna end up? Okay… what—what? Where the hell am I? I spawned on top of a mountaintop. Okay hold on, sound has to be lowered, definitely. Okay, lower that, lower that. Maybe a little lower? That sounds about right.

Alright! So, uh, apparently, I spawned on top of a mountain! I kinda—this is a good seed. What’s that? We’re going to explore it right now, go! Oh, oh ho ha ha! Heh heh heh. Alright we’re gonna try that again. This time I’m not gonna miss. I want to get down to that—that’s the home, right there, I want to live right there. Don’t—I don’t even have to explore. See if I can’t do this, I gotta, hold on; I got an idea, I got a plan. Jerma Craft, episode one, this is how we do it! You guys ready? I don’t know if you—I don’t know if you guys are actually really ready for this. Here we go. I’m going for a sky-dive! Remember, if you hold shift, you don’t fall off. That’s something I didn’t know when I used to livestream this game! Haha! Are you guys ready? Ready to go see our new home? Hoo ho ha hoy hee hwa ha whey ehh ah! Alrighty then. What the hell’s that? Oh it’s an octopus. Oh look at this little quaint little place. I love it already. Heheh!

Alrighty… so oh—cheyaah, I’m so stupid! You see um, this is why, this is why I’m an idiot, guys; you see why would I—I need to get wood! And I just jumped off the… okay. Remember this. Where are we; pointing east? I have no idea. Gotta get some trees. That’s the most important part about Minecraft, you gotta get trees. That’s the first thing you gotta get. Lemme take a sip of my apple cider… aw, that’s good stuff. Hopefully you guys picked up a thing of cocoa, like I told you to, ‘cause that’s the most relaxing thing in the world: sitting down, playing videogames… doesn’t get much better than that. Right, okay, come on now. Ooh, we get sand, too!

Now, explain this to me, alright? Alright, I want Notch to send me a personal email, and explain to me why there are cows that are acting like mountain lions. I’m gonna kill each one of those cows in just a minute, you watch. Ow. Well, at least there’s one tree over here. I gotta remember, I gotta go back that way, ‘cause that’s where the, the house is gonna be. My awesome dirt house.

So if you are an old subscriber, I mean really old, like at least four months, uhh, months—four, fehh, four or five months, you’ll remember the original Jerma Craft, it was like, two episodes. And I built a dirt house. This is gonna be completely different, I’m going to actually spend time, and make some cool stuff. At least that’s what I’m pretending, that I’m gonna say that. Heh. Got some wood. Oh, I got Geno still, from Mario RPG, one of the best games of all time. If you have never played Mario RPG I suggest you play it. Alright, I got some wood—any more trees over here I can… dig up? I’ll get this one too.

One more and we’ll make our way back. So I guess they added a hunger feature now too; if, if you’re hungry y-you die, or something? I guess. Who knows. Little bit more wood. And in my livestreams I-I was always a tradition that when I played this game I would sing a song when things got really boring. So that seems like the perfect opportunity right now to sing a song, so, uh, lemme just prep my vocal cords for a second. Ah-ahem, okay.

So we’re getting wood right now, right? Doo-doo doo-dum, tsk. Doo, tsk, doo, tsk, dooo doo-doo doo-dum, tsk, doont, tsk, doont, tsk, doo—we’re choppin’ wood down, tsk, da-doont, tsk, doont, tsk—every single day. Tsk, doont, tsk, doont, tsk, doont—I gotta get my tools—tsk, ndoont, tsk—any which way. T-tsk, d-doont, tsk, doont, tsk, dooo doo-doont—I can’t seem to reach this stupid piece of wood, so I gotta put some blocks down to get where I should; I’m gonna chop ‘em—t-tsk, d-doont, tsk, doont, tsk, doon—I’m gonna chop right now—nt, tsk, nt, tsk, dooo dnn-doo doo-doont, tsk, doont, tsk—alright, that’s enough. Got it! Let’s get the hell outta here!

Yay! So those of you that don’t think that’s going to be a good spot, you’ll see. I’m gonna build that up to be like a castle. So here’s the goal: by Christmastime of this year, two-thousand eleven, I want to have… a giant castle like as big as that, uh, that mountain over there. So let’s clean this up a little bit. Why don’t we, huh? Yeah, right, alright. Maybe put a little bit of dirt down here. Make sure I can, you know… meh-he-did I really run out of dirt? Oh, wonderful.

My first wooden tools! It’s just like going to your first day of school, and getting punched in the face by the bully. Speaking of bullies, I got a funny story for you. First ever story on Jerma Craft. While I do this mundane stuff. So, when I was in like the fourth grade, there was a kid that lived down the street from me. His name wi-will stay anonymous, because, you know I don’t want him to like—if he watches these videos I don’t want him to come, like, beat me up. Not that he would ever remember this to begin with. But I-I was probably in like the fourth grade. And, tsk… I was a little—I was a little S-word, guys; I was a little, I was a little… little jerk, when I was younger. So, essentially what happened was this kid, he was a big, big, fat kid. Scary, not very nice. And, my brother got in like a fight with him, like a long time before this, whe-when I was in like the second grade—my brother’s a little bit older than me—and, lemme pick this up… So my brother got in a fight with this kid, and-and-and like I heard about it, and so at the bus stop one day—’cause we were at the same bus stop ‘cause he lives right down the street from us, or he, at least, he did, I don’t know if he does anymore… So, I don’t know why, I was in the fourth grade—this is how much of a, of a little jerk I was—so my grandmother used to pick me up from school after I got from the bus stop—‘cause you know obviously you don’t want to walk, you know, the mile-and-a-half back to your house, or whatever it is; mile, ‘cause the bus stop wasn’t that close. So my grandma used to pick me up, and he was at the bus stop as well, and one day I decided that out of the back window, I was going to give him a double middle finger, as I was driving away with my grandmother one day. I don’t know why—I don’t even know why I did it, guys, I ca—I can’t tell you one reason why I gave this kid the double middle finger. And from that day forward, he just kinda gave me the wuh—like a weird look, like, “what… the hell are you doing?” And from that day forward I would run, run, as fast as I could: to the bus stop, and away to the bus stop to where my grandmother was going to pick me up. And it was like that for almost six months. And he never beat me up or anything like that, eh uh he, I-I-I don—I don’t—I was like overreacting.

Actually, hold on a second, I don’t need this. What am I doing with this? I was just putting blocks down! Actually, no no no, I wa-I was doing the right thing, I want, I want these. ‘Cause I want to make like a wall, kind of. Let’s keep that going. So yeah, he, so I guess the moral of that story is: never give the double middle finger to a bully. ‘Cause you’ll be scared for the rest of your life. And I still am scared, when I like open my door, to like go get, like, groceries, I’m scared. That bully’s gonna come get me from me giving him the bird.

But yeah, that, that is actually a true story, I did not make that up, it d—I was scared for like, at least six months. And nothing ever happened either, and then like, I didn’t get beat up or anything, so… Alright now… Is there—is this all, is this just gonna go straight down into… okay, cool. Coo-oo-oo-ool! I’m gonna make a little mine here—sssssss, it’s getting late, it’s getting late, and when it gets late that’s when Jerma starts to lose. I don’t think I’ve ever made it past one night in this game, when people are watching. Hah, I really don’t think it’s happened! Is that—ooh! There’s a mine somewhere around here. Pretty sick! Oh jeez—it’s right here! Oh ho ho ho ho, nice! Maybe there’s coal right here too, that would be pretty awesome.

Oh my God, creeper! Creeper, get the hell out of here. I’m gonna kick your butt! Yeah, you know what, you—blow up! Go on. Go on, what do you think I care? You can’t hurt me, I got a shovel. I’m gonna shovel your face in—huuueeeaaagh! Okay well that’s done. Ahh heh heh heh eh. Is there not coal just right here somewhere? There has to be.