Too lazy

Roan has been all smiles since our talk the other day, watching him interact with our friends so effortlessly gave me an interesting feeling. It was a hollow feeling in my chest, but it didn’t feel bad. It only made me uncomfortable to sit still. It seemed easy for Roan; he knows what he wants and goes after it. It feels like I have a lump in my throat and I can’t unclench my jaw. I don’t understand why he wants a romantic relationship with me. I won't ever be able to match his pace.

Wouldn’t that get tiring?

What’s the point if he knows all that?

Can I even be in a romantic relationship?

Do I even want one?

If I can’t answer these questions then I shouldn’t lead on Roan this way.

“Alright! Here’s our news!” Maeve announced, holding up a cocktail. Kieran and Maeve had invited everyone out at a fancy Italian restaurant. They even splurged to get a private room and treat everyone.

A waiter brought in several bottles of champagne, Kieran and Maeve stood up holding onto each other. After the waiter poured all our glasses Kieran and Maeve held theirs up.

“We’d like to share with all our friends today that Maeve and I are officially getting married.” Kieran and Maeve had bright smiles on their faces. When they looked at each other it reminded me of my grandparents. Two people that were so easily connected to each other that they didn't need words.

Then Roan’s words came to mind: someone you can feel safe around. Is that what he meant? The look in their eyes? Is that it?

“Hey,” Roan whispered into my ear.

I nearly jumped out of my seat and began rubbing my ear, “what?”

Roan smirked, “you look like you’re trying to solve a hard math problem.”

“It feels that way,” I said flatly.

Roan continued to smirk at me, “why’s that? What’s on your mind?”

I saw Maeve and Kieran looking at the two of us, “let’s talk about it later.” I said to Roan who agreed with a small nod.

“Are you guys going to have a grand wedding?” Viv asked excitedly.

“No,” they both answered firmly. Cece’s and Viv’s faces fell in disappointment and Yoni laughed loudly.

“Then what? A court wedding or something?” Viv pouted.

“Yes,” they both answered again.

“We are going to have a court wedding with—” Maeve gestured around the group. “—close friends and family. Then we are going to hold a massive party at my parents house!” 

“Massive party? No questions. I’m in,” Cece nodded firmly.

“You don’t have a choice, you’re going,” Maeve patted Cece’s head.

“So why the sudden decision?” Yoni asked as a devious smile spread across his lips, “is this a shotgun wedding?”

“I swear—” Maeve began.

“—Spare me!” Yoni shielded himself. “I’m sorry!” He started laughing and leaned on the table, “you two have been together for a really long time. Why haven't you gotten married sooner?”

“Things like this take time,” Maeve answered as her and Kieran sat down.

“Are you scared?” Kiera asked curiously.

“Taking risks is always scary,” Kieran replied with a smile. "That’s why you take them.”

“Fortune favors the bold…” I said quietly to myself but everyone went silent and stared at me. “What?”

“What’d you say?” Maeve asked.

I looked around the room and everyone’s eyes were fixed on me. What’d I say? Are they mad?

“Uh…” I cleared my throat. “Fortune favors the bold. It’s—” I looked at the table. I can’t believe I said that out loud. “—It’s something Virgil said… in Book X of The Aeneid…” my throat felt dry. Everyone was still quiet and then I felt Roan’s fingers interlace with mine.

“That book is about the Trojan War, right?” Yoni asked me.

“Yeah,” I said quietly. Roan squeezed my hand again and I felt my body relax.

“I didn’t think you’d read something like that,” Yoni commented.

“He’s a massive bookworm,” Roan smiled happily.

“Eli likes to quote random people,” Viv smirked at everyone.

“It’s a habit,” I frowned.

“Seriously?!” Kiera almost shouted. “I’ve never heard him do that before!”

“Have you told your families yet?” I asked to change the conversation.

“We have!” Maeve exclaimed happily.

“Did they say: Finally?!” Yoni snickered.

“They did,” Kieran laughed until Maeve smacked his arm.

“I knew it!” Yoni clapped and Maeve shot him a glare.

Throughout dinner Yoni and Viv were relentless with their teasing towards Kieran and Maeve. Cece and Maeve gushed over party details while Kiera and Kieran spoke about dates and times. Everyone was excited, even Roan. It made sense for him to be happy, Kieran and Maeve have been his best friends since they were kids. Yet every time Kieran and Maeve made eye contact with each other it was the same expression. Something I can’t put into words. The same look my grandparents had when they looked at each other.

The same look Roan gives me. It’s obvious love can last, I’ve been shown many times.

Do I even deserve that kind of love when I can’t feel it myself?

What if I never feel it?

What would happen to Roan?

My chest tightens at these thoughts.

While Roan and I walked home together we didn’t talk about anything important or grand. Yet he held onto my hand the entire time and his smile never vanished. Every time I’d look at Roan his eyes were already on me. It seemed like he knew something I didn’t. Being alone with Roan was beginning to feel different too. The atmosphere felt strange, yet Roan seemed so relaxed. While I felt like I was standing at the edge of a cliff, so close that a breeze could push me off.

Roan was being so patient. So kind and generous. He’s loyal and smart. He’s always saying he doesn’t want to pressure me into anything.

Maybe I need that pressure. Maybe I don’t have to match Roan’s pace to be in a relationship with him.

Virgil is right.

Fortune favors the bold.

After his parents’ visit, Roan has been acting strange. He’s quiet and has had an odd expression on his face. It doesn’t change like usual. I can tell he’s careful with the words he says to me. Usually he blurts out everything he’s feeling. 

But he’s so silent. Roan wasn’t avoiding me, but it felt  like he’s been taking steps away from me. Although it’s not physical. There’s a distance. And I don’t know why it feels that way.

I was sitting in my bed reading a book, one my grandmother suggested years ago. I put it off because of the blue and purple colors that were splashed across the cover. It gave me a strange sensation in my chest when I’d look at it. Books were the best way for me to understand emotions. At least, the physical reactions of emotions. It puzzles me why people are so hung up on naming everything, to break up those things into different groups.

Why would someone cry when they are happy?

Why does excitement and anger feel the same?

My eyes began to hurt reading the small words across the page, so I closed the book. I couldn’t focus on the story, I read the words but none of it remained in my mind.

There was a quiet knock at my door, “Hey it’s me.” Roan said outside my door.

“Come in.”

Roan stayed at the doorway, he had the same expression he’s had for days. “I have something I need to tell you. It’s really important,” Roan shifted his weight back and forth between his feet.

I tilted my head, “sure… take a seat.” I pointed at the end of my bed.

“N-No, I’ll stay here,” he laughed, rubbing the back of his head.

I stared at him directly, “sit down.”

He walked over quickly to my bed and sat down, “I’m sorry about my parents.”

“Why?”

“I just… I’ve never seen you look like that. I thought maybe it was because of them. Maybe I did something?” Roan looked at the ground and fidgeted with his fingers, “that really scared me. Can you tell me what happened?”

“I’m not really sure,” I held my book close to me. “I don’t know how to put it into words. I felt sick to my stomach, my hands… They were sweaty. I don't know the exact cause specifically…” My chest tightened. “I’m sorry.”

“You don’t need to apologize, Elijah.”

“But I can’t tell you why I reacted that way.”

“You just did.”

“What do you mean?”

“It sounds like you were nervous—Maybe anxious?” The look on Roan’s face was more familiar now. When he looked at me like this, everything else seemed to calm within me. Roan always maintained eye contact when we spoke but the look in his eyes seemed gentle. It was reassuring, in a way, when he wouldn’t break eye contact. 

“But I don’t know why.”

“That’s okay,” Roan gave me a small smile. “Take your time. I’m not going to pressure you to find out why. It’s okay that you don’t know.”

I don’t understand why he’s acting like this. It bothered him so much in the past.

“You’re the first person to say that to me.”

Roan looked surprised for a moment, “what? Really?”

I nodded, “people usually demand to know what I’m feeling and why.” I stared at him and bit the inside of my cheek. “Why don’t you do that?”

“Because I care about you. I want you to know that you can feel comfortable around me. And to know that you can feel safe around me.”

I looked around my room, I could feel Roan’s eyes glued on me. “What’s that feel like? Feeling safe around someone,” I thought aloud.

“For me… It feels like tranquility…” Roan said carefully. “The small things come easy. Someone who I can trust completely without question. I guess someone I can be myself around.”

Interesting.

“Is it different for everyone?”

“I assume so. Everyone experiences things differently.” Roan then sighed heavily, “this isn’t the important thing I wanted to talk about though.” Roan looked at me intensely. 

Whatever he had to say, it was definitely important.

“Before we began living together, I was making plans to move to Korea in the summer. But I changed my mind, so I’m going to stay.”

“Why’d you change your mind?”

“It no longer feels like a new start. It’s beginning to feel like an excuse to escape,” Roan rested his elbows on his knees. “I felt stuck for so long that I thought moving would be a good option. I’ve made so many friends here… and so many more this year. Such good people have walked into my life. I don’t want to leave that behind.”

I sat there quietly as he spoke so gently. I didn’t know what to say or how to react so I only listened. 

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner… I understand if you’re mad at me.” Roan apologized.

“Is your decision final?”

Roan blinked, “what?”

“Is your decision final?” I asked again.

“Uh—”

“Are you sure you’ve thought about this thoroughly?” I blurted out.

Roan looked completely lost, “I have…”

I felt my heart jump, “you aren’t just doing this because of me?”

“I—No.”

I could feel myself narrow my eyes at him. I don’t know what this feeling is, but I want to slap him upside the head.

“I’ve thought about this a lot. Those are the reasons I want to stay.”

“Ugh,” I huffed.

Roan smiled but covered it with his hand, “what’s wrong?”

“Why are you smiling? I thought you were worried I was mad.”

“I was,” he continued to smile. “But you have no idea what you look like right now.”

I glared at him, “what do I look like?”

“Incredibly annoyed,” he laughed. Roan wrapped his arms around me and rested his chin on my shoulder. “Did you want to be the reason I stayed?”

“No,” I denied.

Roan laughed again then poked my cheek, “I think it is.”

I swatted his hand and pushed him away. “I have no idea what you’re talking about,” I rolled my eyes. I tried to stand up but Roan only pulled me onto his lap.

“If I said that you were part of it too, would you be mad?” Roan asked quietly as he nuzzled his face into my back.

“...No.”

When I saw Elijah’s face after he saw my parents. Everything finally clicked. A memory I constantly kept in the back of mind. Especially these days. My fight with Elijah. It’s the only thing people knew about between us. The reason there were so many assumptions…

I started it, but Elijah took the fall willingly.

After the kiss incident, nothing changed. 

Elijah continued to stare at me and I continued to return it with a glare. But there was one day where our relationship really veered off into the toxic place where everything started. The fist fight we had in high school was followed by rumors and whispers of Elijah hating me. That he hated me enough to swing first. I was always the victim in the story, but that wasn’t what really happened.

7 Years Ago

That day, Elijah didn’t look at me once. That made me angrier than when he did stare. Elijah blankly stared out the window all day, even during the lecture he didn’t bother to pay attention. When we were given a break in class, I walked over to him without hesitation. I tapped my finger on his desk and he glanced over to me with the same indifferent expression on his face. 

I hated that the more I looked at him the more goodlooking he became. 

The green eyes… 

The wavy hair… 

It was getting more and more difficult to not look at him.

Is this what he meant when he said I had a nice face?

“What?” Elijah asked flatly.

“I want to talk to you alone.”

“No. Go away.”

“It’s not a request,” I furrowed my eyebrows. Elijah didn’t give any other expression in return besides his emotionless stare. 

Why can’t he act like a normal person?

Elijah let out an exasperated sigh as he stood up, “yes — yes. Mister Class Rep,” Elijah replied with derision. I clenched my fist at his words.

What a brat.

We walked in silence outside by the benches, Elijah took a seat casually and crossed his ankles. He looked up at me with empty eyes, waiting for me to speak.

“I —” 

“Don’t even apologize,” Elijah rolled his eyes. “It’s annoying.”

Something suddenly snapped in my brain. “What made you think I was going to apologize?”

“Cause that’s who you are,” Elijah said bluntly.

“Who are you to say something like that? You don’t even know me,” I growled back.

“I don’t have to,” Elijah stared at me dead in the eye. 

“Wha —”

“Look, I don’t want to be here. If that’s all you had to say then I’m leaving,” Elijah stood up as if he was exhausted. 

I grabbed him by the arm before he could leave. As I pulled him close to me, his eyes widened.

Finally a fucking reaction. Now it’s time to have some fun.

“You seriously don’t care that I kissed you?” I smirked. Whether he likes me or not. He definitely ran away from me that day. He has to care. 

Elijah’s eyebrows twitched and yanked his arm out of my grasp. “No, I don’t,” Elijah said, glowering. I felt a grin creep along my lips, this expression is pretty cute. 

“Right,” I smirked. Elijah progressively expressed more and more discontent as I spoke. I stepped closer to Elijah and he backed up falling back into his seat. I leaned down, slapping both hands on either side of him against the bench. Elijah’s face flushed and my heart raced. I didn't know what this feeling was but only Elijah could trigger it within me.

“You liked it didn’t you?” I asked.

Elijah continued frowning at me, “...it wasn’t… bad.”

Wow.

“Is this all you wanted to know?” Elijah looked away from me and rubbed the back of his neck. “I want to leave.” I watched him carefully, he was avoiding looking at me. He was being extra careful not for our skin to touch.

I can’t tell what type of nervousness this is.

“Can’t you be normal for one second and express how you feel?” I smirked.

Elijah's eyes darted back at me and there was a darkness to them. They looked hollow, he didn’t look angry but his expression was scary. “What the fuck did you say to me?”

Oh.

I think… I just fucked up.

“Well?!” Elijah stood up and I took a few steps back.

“Act like a normal person! That’s what I said!”

“I am a normal person!” Elijah almost screamed, his face was bright red. “What right do you think you have to talk to me like this?! I didn’t do anything to you!” He pushed me.

“You’ve been staring at me for three fucking years!!” I pushed him back.

“Then you decided to resolve the problem by sticking your tongue down my throat!”

“You look like you wanted it,” I scoffed.

I don’t remember what he looked like but the next thing I knew Elijah had slapped me across the face. My cheek was burning and my ear was ringing. Nothing really went through my head, I felt blind as Elijah and I fought each other. I couldn’t feel the pain, just anger. Pointless anger. The only thing I could hear were the other students chanting my name and the feeling of someone trying to pull me off of Elijah. 

“Roan, get the fuck off him!” I heard Kieran yell when suddenly I felt multiple hands pull me off Elijah and slam me against the ground. When I looked over to Elijah he was face first on the ground being cuffed by the police as well. Elijah’s face was bloody and bruised, his lip cut open, and his eyes red. The look in his eyes looked dead as he stared back at me. And then a very sharp pain hit me in the chest. 

I don’t like that. Seeing him hurt so badly made my heart hurt more than my physical pain. 

I’m not sure how long we sat out in the hallway as the adults spoke about what happened. Elijah and I didn’t look at each other or speak, I could see his leg shaking out of the corner of my eye.

“Alright you two, get in here,” the principal called out. My parents and two police officers were in the room, but Elijah’s parents were nowhere to be seen.

“We called your guardians but they won’t be here for another hour,” the principal explained to Elijah. “First we will go over what happened with Roan and his parents. Once we are done we can wait for your guardians okay?”

Guardians?

“It’s okay,” Elijah replied bluntly. “I started it. Roan didn’t.”

Wait, what’s he saying? 

I hit him first.

“I figured as much,” the principal frowned at Elijah. “It’s always kids like you isn’t it?”

“Hey—” My mother started.

“It’s fine,” Elijah cut her off. “She’s not wrong.” Elijah then looked over to the police officers. “You can take me to the station, my grandparents can pick me up there.” The officers looked at each other uncomfortably then uncuffed me.

“Mr. Haroldssen—” My mom began again.

“Don’t worry,” Elijah looked at her. Honestly, the look on his face… I’m not sure what he was feeling but it made me feel guilty. “This isn’t anything new for me. My actions shouldn’t ruin Roan’s future.”

“Exactly… Doing the right thing for once?” the principal scoffed. “You can take him,” she waved her hand at the officers who escorted Elijah out.

“What the hell is wrong with you?!” The mother almost screamed. 

“Ex—”

“That boy is a child!” My mom cut off the principal and slammed her fists on the table.

“Are you defending the boy who beat your son? Who put your son’s potential for entering a prestigious university?”

“Listen, missy,” My mom glared at my principal. “I taught my children to take responsibility for their actions. If my son gets into a fight, he takes responsibility for the consequences. But I will not allow a problem principal to bully children!” My mom was huffing from anger and my dad stood there in silence. My mom looked over to us, “take him home.” She shot another glare at the principal, “I’ll deal with this.” My mom then looked at me, “I expect you to write an apology to that boy.”

“I didn’t—”

“I do not care.” She said flatly while crossing my arms. “You had the option not to hit back and you still did. Write that apology.” I nodded as my dad walked with me back to their car. The scratches on my face began to burn and the bruises ached. Part of me wanted to cry. 

Why did he do that?

Present

Thinking about it now. Seeing it for a second time. I realized why he was so scared when he saw my parents. That was the moment in high school that solidified him as a delinquent. When I did too. That pain and fear I saw on his face.

That was my fault.

Maybe if I didn’t hit back… He would have had more of a peaceful life at school.

I had planned out telling Elijah about the move that night, but it was immediately interrupted by a surprise visit from my parents. When I got home they were standing outside my door with annoyed expressions on their faces. 

“Hi…”

First they looked at each other, then back to me.

“Suna called us,” my dad said quietly.

“She told us you were starting a new relationship.” My mom crossed her arms. “Why are you starting something new when you’re moving to Korea in a few months?”

“Can we go inside?” I asked. We stepped inside and my mom threw her purse on my kitchen table.

“Well?” She glared at me.

“Yeah, I am.”

“Does he know?”

“No.”

My mom scoffed, she turned away from me and she dragged her hands down her face and forced out a laugh.

“Honey…” my dad reached out to my mom and she slapped his hand away.

“I was planning to tell him today,” I said quietly.

She inhaled sharply, “this is not going to end well Eun-Woo.”

“You don’t know that,” I argued back.

My mom tilted her head and her eyes grew wide, “so… what? You’re going to try to maintain a relationship from Korea? Oh…” She paused, pressing her finger on her lips. “Are you telling him it will end when you move? Really? Haven’t you put him through enough?”

“No!” I shouted. “I don’t want to move!”

My parents narrowed their eyebrows at me.

“What?” My dad asked sharply. “You want to stay? Now? Because of Elijah?”

My heart jumped, “not just because of him. My book is starting to do well, if I leave now I might lose my contract.”

“You told me that you wanted to work independently. What changed?” My mom asked.

“Everything!” I yelled. This time my parents were silent and my mom finally took a seat. “...Everything changed. I don’t feel like I need to run away anymore.”

“Run away? What do you mean?” My mom asked, this time her voice was softer.

“I was going to Korea because I wanted to start fresh. But that’s running away.”

“Why didn’t you say anything to us about feeling this way?” My dad asked tenderly.

“Because I knew it wouldn’t have changed anything. Even if you guys told me to stay, I would have still left.”

“Elijah changed that?” My mom asked.

“Not just him, I mean that.” I sat down across from the two of them, I tapped my finger on the table. “I’ve made so many new friends this last year. Good people. I thought I’d never get through writer’s block and I did… I want to stay because my life is here. I can’t pick up and leave just as things are… starting to fall into place.” I felt so nervous waiting for them to respond, the silence made the time slow down. 

My mom grabbed my hand and squeezed it, “you need to tell Elijah.”

“...I know.”

“You really like this guy?” My dad asked.

“Yes, I do.”

“Will we be able to meet him today?” My mom asked. “I haven’t seen him in a very long time.”

“I’m not sure when he will be back. He went to see his grandparents…” I frowned, “why do you want to meet him? We aren’t dating.”

My mom snorted, “and? I never got to ask whether or not you sent that apology letter.”

“Mom!” I pouted, “I told you I gave it to him.”

“Right,” she tilted her head. “I know you better than anyone else because I was you. I’m asking him myself.” My mom sighed, “what are you doing to make this up to him?” 

“Everything I can for him to trust me,” I answered firmly. This has been going on since the fight with Elijah in school. My mom has been madder at me about the fight than him. She’s sure I instigated the fight. She was right. Any time someone would praise me, my mom would bring it up. As if she was making sure people didn’t think about Elijah in a bad way.

“You don’t deserve him, in the same way I don’t deserve your father.”

“Oh, Eun-Chae, you're so sweet but that’s not true.” He smiled at her.

“See?” She stared at me as she pointed at my dad.

“You sound convinced it won’t work out…”

“It might not,” she shrugged and stood up. “We need to go see your siblings so we will go.”

I walked them out to the parking lot, my mom turned to me then grabbed my hands. “Eun-Woo, lying is the first step towards a relationship breaking apart. If you want this, you need to step up.”

I nodded while looking at the ground. Everyone’s been on my case. I understand why—but I’m tired of it. I feel guilty enough and every time it’s brought up I only feel worse.

“Well it looks like it’s our lucky day,” my mom said lightly. When I looked at her she was waving her hand, “Elijah!”

My heart stopped.

It was his face.

It was pale.

His eyes were wide and he stood completely still. 

“Is he okay?” My dad asked.

“I-I… I don’t know…”

My parents waved him over again and he began slowly walking towards us. But his expression was the same. As if he’d seen a ghost.

“I’ll be back,” I said without looking at my parents. I ran towards Elijah and he stopped in his tracks. I could see him trembling as he stared at me.

“Elijah, are you okay?”

He didn’t say anything at first, but he was breathing so heavily that I couldn’t bring myself to ask again. “What?” He asked out of breath.

What the hell is going on?

“You’re pale…”

“Ummm… I…”

He took a step back, it was written all over his face that he was terrified.

Why?

Did I do something?

“Elijah—”

“I need to go,” he cut me off. “I want to go.”

I didn’t know what to do. I looked back at my parents and they looked slightly confused but continued to call us over to them. I watched Elijah’s face twist, his lips would part, and he’d inhale deeply. Then take another step back. 

He wants to run.

“Can I go?” Elijah begged me. “Please?” He began to hyperventilate, “I-I…I want to go please.”

It took everything in me to not react. I reached for his fingers and lightly touched them. “Of course. Let me know you’re okay. Please?”

He nodded quickly, staring at the ground. “I-I… I’m sorry,” his voice broke.

I’ve never seen him like this.

“Elijah, you don’t need to apologize. You haven’t done anything wrong.”

“I’ll let you know where I go.”

Does he think I’m mad at him?

I squeezed his fingers and touched the palms of his hands, “thank you. It’s okay, I’m not angry at you. I’m not upset with you. Okay?” Elijah nodded again and I heard him sniffle. I caressed his face and we met eyes, I gave him a small smile. He turned away and quickly walked the opposite way.

I’ve never seen him scared…

One of the few things I find comfort in is my grandparents. There aren’t many people in the world that see me for who I am. Only what I appear to be. It was rare when that bothered me, how other people viewed me. The times it did were times of inconvenience. Moments where it shouldn’t matter what face I’m making or the tone of my voice. 

I never knew how to react or that my face was different from others. My grandfather was the same, so I thought it was normal. For people not to understand emotions or not react at "appropriate" times. I was “weird” at first, but it graduated to fear and misplaced anger as the years passed. 

For a small period of time there was a strange kind of… momentum I felt when I saw other people in relationships. Seeing the strange smiles and red cheeks. My only thought was “I want that.” I wanted someone to look at me that way. My grandmother looked at my grandfather that way, even if he didn’t show it back. I should be able to achieve the same, right?

“Matia mou,” a deep voice spoke. I looked over to the person speaking, my grandfather. He’s the tallest person I’ve seen in my life. He has to bend over to walk through doorways and get his clothes custom made. Standing at 7 feet, he towers over everyone he encounters. 

“Why’d you come?” my grandfather asked bluntly.

“I wanted advice,” I answered while taking a drink of water. “My… roommate told me something a while ago. I’m not sure if he was joking or not but he suggested I start my own auto repair shop. Is there any advice you can give me? You’re the only one I know that started a business by yourself.”

“I didn’t start the business by myself Elias,” he corrected me. “I had support, the people I started the business with. Running a business is not something you can do by yourself. You need a team.”

“People that can cover all aspects of a business?”

“Correct.”

“Marketing, media, resource management, and—”

“Customers.”

“Those will come with starting the business.”

“No,” he wiggled his finger at me. “That’s where startups fail. You need to make a plan to start cultivating customers before it officially opens. What kind of savings do you have right now?”

“I have some saved up, the auto shop closing put me in a tight spot. My bartending job covers rent and food. My roommate is helping me pay utilities for now.”

“Roan?”

“Yes.”

“You found yourself a good friend.”

“...Yeah.”

“Then, you need a team. Start a new job, work more shifts. Start saving more money, create a business plan and look into getting SBA loans. You live in a big city so picking the right spot to set up is important too.”

“I was planning on finding a new job anyways, I can’t live off Roan forever.”

“Smart boy,” my grandfather nodded. “Do you know anyone that could help you with this venture?”

Pictures of people ran through my head, “yeah. I do.”

“I have to say, I am taken aback.”

“Why?”

“You aren’t the type to do something so risky.”

“No. But I have the confidence to know it will work out.”

“Why’s that?”

“Because I have solid support.”

I felt a hand on top of my head and then it ruffled my hair, “you’re smiling right now.”

“Am I?”

“Like a child.”

My grandfather and I stared at each other in silence, I turned my head and leaned back in my seat. “Seems I’m doing things now that I don’t usually do.”

“That happens.”

“You don’t seem any different.”

“That’s because I’m talking to you.”

“What does that mean?”

“You’ll learn it for yourself,” he stood up from his seat. “When are you going home?”

“As soon as our conversation is over.”

“Right now?”

“Yes.”

“Drive safely back matia mou,” he nodded.

The drive back I was stuck on the thought that I was smiling. That my grandfather seemed to know why. It was enough for my grandfather to point out. Meaning I was doing it for a while.

How didn’t I notice that?

I considered parking my bike at the apartment again. Roan made an amusing face every time he’d see it. I’m glad I didn’t, as I approached the entrance of the parking lot I saw Roan outside talking to his parents. When I saw his mother’s face I stopped instantly in my tracks. There was a sharp pain in my chest and my hands were clammy.

The last time I saw her was after my fight with Roan in high school. Part of me knew I was feeling anxious or scared but the other part didn’t know why or which it was. She never did anything wrong. She did the opposite. 

The three saw me from a distance, Roan had a strange look on his face, he looked angry. Roan’s mom smiled so warmly and waved me over but my feet felt heavy. Everything in my body was telling me to run but I couldn’t. I couldn’t hear anything but my heart beat. 

“Elijah!” Roan’s mom called out.

I didn’t want to but I forced myself to walk towards them. My feet felt heavier and heavier with each step. Until I saw Roan run up to me, I stopped and we looked at each other. He no longer looked angry but… scared? 

I can’t tell.

“Elijah, are you okay?”

“What?”

“You’re pale…” his eyes were wide when he spoke. 

“Ummm… I…”

I can’t breathe.

“Elijah—”

“I need to go. I want to go.”

Roan didn’t say anything but he looked back at his parents. They were smiling, beckoning me to them. Why? They shouldn’t be.

Why would they be kind to me?

What’s happening?

Am I in danger?

“Can I go?” I begged Roan. “Please? I-I… I want to go please.”

Roan gently touched my fingers, “of course. Let me know you’re okay. Please.”

I nodded quickly, “I-I… I’m sorry.”

“Elijah, you don’t need to apologize. You haven’t done anything wrong,” Roan tried reassuring me but I only felt danger.

“I’ll let you know where I go,” I inhaled sharply.

Roan squeezed my fingers, “thank you. It’s okay, I’m not angry at you. I’m not upset with you. Okay?”

I nodded quickly again and Roan gave me a weak smile. With every step my heart ached and my eyes stung.

Whatever this is, I don’t like it.

‘One step forward, three steps back’ has been running through my mind since my talk with Alex.

I can’t believe I’ve never told Elijah… There are so many worries running through my head that, in a way, it feels empty. Alex went to stay at Kieran’s after that night. I’ve done nothing but ruminate in my own mind for the last few days. Pretending I don’t have anything on my mind is starting to get hard in front of Elijah. I need to approach the problem in the right way. 

I need to do it soon.

I watched people as I waited for Kieran in a nearby coffee shop. It feels melodramatic at times like these, it feels like my world is at the edge of falling apart. Watching people live life so effortlessly seemed unfair; but that’s the melodrama of it. Everyone is sitting at the edge of their own world. Trying so desperately to keep it together themselves.

That’s what I tell myself when I feel like this. That I’m not the only one. Humbling yourself is a hell of a thing.

“Roan!” Kieran called out to me. When I turned to look, the giant was waving to me from across the room. Capturing the attention of every single person. Kieran took hulking steps towards me, traveling through the entire crowd with only a few steps.

“Hey Kieran,” I said with a weak smile.

“What’s so urgent for you to ask me to come?” Kieran asked as he took a seat.

I shook my leg and crossed my arms as I sat back in my seat. “I did something stupid.”

“What else is new?” Kieran asked with a smile; I returned it with a glare.

“I didn’t tell Elijah about my move,” I sighed. Kieran didn’t say anything, only a stare that was glued to me. Although the coffee shop was busy, it felt silent. 

“What do you mean?”

“I didn’t tell him I was moving,” I repeated.

“Why?”

I averted my eyes away from him, “I forgot.”

Kieran stared at me; he had the look of confusion, anger, and surprise written all over his face. “....How do you forget that?” 

“I got caught up…”

“Yeah, don’t say that to Eli when you tell him.”

“That’s why I called you here!” I huffed, “what do I even say? Where do I start? How’s he going to react? Is he going to be mad? What if—”

“Stop,” Kieran waved his hand interrupting me. “You’re drowning in your own anxiety. The only way to get past it is to tell Eli. Everything.”

“I don’t even know where to start,” I laughed uncomfortably. “I sound like such an idiot, forgetting something so important.”

“You are an idiot. You’re trying to start a serious relationship when you’re about to move to another country across the world. And the person you’re starting that relationship with — is someone who is very careful about their life decisions.”

I didn’t know what to say, his words stung and it felt as if I had a tight grasp around my heart. 

“I’m scared…” I breathed out. I could feel Kieran watching me closely but I didn’t have the courage to look at him.

“I know,” he said in a low voice. “But you can’t keep this from Eli. This isn’t just about you anymore, Roan. If you really mean it when you say that Eli is important to you. It means you can’t just think about yourself anymore. You need to take into account what Eli wants. How your decisions and actions can affect both of you. Especially with how serious you want this to be.”

Kieran looked at his phone and set it on the table, “I have to go soon. So look at me.” I raised my head, Kieran had already been staring me down. He looked disappointed and stressed out.

“Roan, are you planning to stay?”

“I want to,” I answered immediately.

“Because of Eli? Or because it’s what’s best for you?”

“I—”

“If this is about Eli, then you need to rethink everything.” Kieran pointed his finger at me. “I haven’t known Eli for that long but I know he won’t like it one bit if you’re staying here for him. I don’t need your answer. You do. Think about it, if you are staying for yourself and not him then you need to prepare yourself.”

“Prepare myself?”

“For any type of reaction you get. Eli could accept it easily…” Kieran tapped his finger on his chin. “Which honestly, is the best case scenario and much more likely to happen. But you still need to be prepared. What if Eli believes you are staying for him? He could panic. Didn’t you say he ran away once? That could happen again.”

His words were heavy and sat with me, my legs took me on a long walk around the neighborhood. I couldn’t go home but I couldn’t sit and stew in my own thoughts or face Elijah. I might spill everything without a plan to talk to him about it. I should think about this more, like Kieran said. I want to stay. But is it really for me or Elijah? I can’t put off telling him until I figure that out. I need to tell him as soon as possible.

If Elijah panics. He’ll run. I don’t know if I can handle the pain of that again. I have to apologize. I know that much. Elijah likes it when people are straight forward. That’s how I have to approach telling him. 

Clean. To the point. Honest.

I haven’t been this scared in a long time. The worries and anxiety are like angry waves in the sea; and they won’t seem to calm. My chest feels heavy but my heart is racing. I feel guilty and angry and sad. I’ve done a lot of stupid things in my life.

This is definitely among the top three. If I don’t handle this in the correct way, everything I’ve been working for will slip through my fingers.

The sounds at the club drowned out as I focused my attention on Roan and Eli. They were in a corner talking quietly among themselves. The way Roan was smiling at Eli gave me an unquantifiable amount of anxiety. I thought Roan’s little crush would disappear or at the very least Eli would turn him down. Best case scenario Eli would have rejected Roan hard and vanished from his life.

“So why in the fuck did Eli accept his feelings?” I whispered to myself.

“Fuck man,” Viv’s arm swung around my neck. “What’s with that death glare?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I glared at her.

“Dude, you’d think you were the one in love with Roan,” Viv replied smugly.

I can’t believe I met with this woman again.

“No I’m not,” I rolled my eyes.

“I know,” Viv smiled. She sat down next to me, “you knew they were hooking up in high school… didn’t you?” She smirked.

“How’d you know?”

“You just told me,” she brightened up.

Ah, she’s drunk. It’s annoying how alike we are.

“How’d you find out?”

“I caught them,” Viv shrugged. “More like I saw them. I never said anything. What about you?”

“Same, but I also kind of had a feeling,” I sighed.

“So why are you acting like such a fucking tool?” Viv stared at me intensely. “Roan and I might not be super close but Eli really likes him. I know he does.”

“How are you so sure?”

Viv tapped her finger on the bar then pointed at Eli and Roan. Eli had a small but warm grin on his face as he spoke to Roan, he never avoided eye contact nor held an indifferent look while speaking.

“Eli isn’t great at expressing his emotions… and there’s no traumatic meaning behind it. He’s got alexithymia, processing and expressing… It’s hard for him,” Viv looked at me. “Roan has only ever been the person to bring out that side of him. Eli knows that. He won’t take Roan’s feelings lightly.”

Alexithymia? Is that a real thing?

Viv let out a loud sigh as she stood up, “so stop being such a shitheel and just enjoy the break. You’re going to start ruining it for everyone at this point.”

All these new people in Roan’s life. People he’s only known for a short period of time fit into his life so comfortably… like puzzle pieces. People from Eli’s life. I watched Eli and Roan interlock pinkies and part of me fell into a rage. I witnessed my best friend completely fall apart in high school and the first two years of college. Because of Eli.

I don’t get it. Roan was doing so well the last few years. Finally dating. Partying. Being a normal college student. 

Why go back to this?

What was so good about it?

They did nothing but fling insults at each other for four years. Words that would send classmates into silence and teachers into shock. Their hatred seemed so concrete. How did it get here? They are joined at the hip but don’t seem to be dating. Unless they are hiding it again. Why would they though?

Eli was pulled away by another person and Roan watched Eli walk away with a big smile on his face. Before I knew it, my feet were taking me to Roan. Roan’s friendly expression faded as I approached him. This jerk isn’t even a little bit happy to see me.

“I need to talk to you,” I said firmly. Roan only responded with a nod and followed me outside. I offered him a cigarette, he took it reluctantly.

“What do you want?” Roan asked coldly.

“What the—”

“I swear, if you ask one more time. I will hit you,” Roan glared at me. “I’m getting tired of your shit. Elijah is going out of his way to make you comfortable and all you do is talk shit and make everyone else on edge.”

“I’m getting tired of you acting like such a moron,” I spat back.

“What?”

“What?” I mocked him. “You are either the dumbest person I’ve ever met or the worst.”

Roan threw his cigarette on the ground and we stood face to face, “just speak your mind. No whys or whats. Just say your piece.”

“Do you even understand what you have to lose if you and Eli fall back into whatever was going on with you?”

Roan stepped back suddenly.

Oh? So he hasn’t?

“Let me give you a little advice, Roan,” I stared at him. “When two people intertwine their lives like you and Eli; and those two people are together. When that happens, their lives will be pulled apart; along with the people around them.”

Roan averted his eyes and sighed pressing his temples.

“You know that I have firsthand experience with that.”

“I know.”

“Then why are you doing this? Why did you even go back? I thought this was a stupid little crush but it’s not, obviously.”

“It’s not.”

“Do you remember what you were like in your senior year of school? Or your second year of college? Do you remember?”

“I—” 

“Cause I do. So does Kieran,” I really couldn’t stop the words from coming out of my mouth. “You were depressed and angry all the time. You don’t know what it was like watching you… Then, I’m assuming,” I had held up my hands. “Things finally got broken off right? Because then out of nowhere our second year of college, you started dating casually. Having one-night stands. Partying. Having fun. Now that Eli is back, you’re just going to revert back to that depressed, little—”

A sudden force hit me in the face and my body fell to the floor, Roan punched me.

“What—”

Roan squatted down at eye level with me, “I thought you let this go. I guess I was wrong.” His eyes were cold.

“Do you really think I can just sit by and watch my best friend tear himself apart for some guy again?”

“No,” Roan answered without hesitation. “But I do think my best friend could give me the benefit of the doubt. Trust me when I explain I know what I’m feeling.”

I pinched my nose as I felt blood drip from it, “I don’t trust either of you. You’re both stupid for trying this again.”

“This isn’t something we’re trying again. This is the first time,” Roan stared at me. “Before, it was…” Roan finally broke his cold persona. He stood up and laughed, “god I didn’t want to tell you this— but you don’t fucking listen!” He screamed and I flinched at his words. “Elijah and I only ever slept together. We didn’t have anything to even call what we had romantic. It was toxic.”

“Then why even go back?”

“Because things are different, I told you this.” He glared at me as he began to pace.

“People don’t just change,” I exhaled. “I—”

“I know you’ve seen it firsthand!” He screamed again. “But not everyone is your parents Alex! You know nothing! Nothing!” His voice broke, “...about me and Elijah.” He stopped pacing, “I wish... You’d just support this.” He turned his head to look at me, “If things don’t go well. Then be a friend and be there. If I’m making a mistake then let me make it.”

“You really don’t think being with Eli is a mistake?”

“No,” his answer was firm.

I wanted to ask why again. But at this point I’d be talking in circles again just to get hit.

“Okay, so what about the future?”

“What?”

I scoffed, “your plan—” I shook my head in disbelief. “—the one you’ve been planning for two years? Moving to Korea to start over? What about Eli? Does he even know you’re moving? If he does, is he coming with you?” I bombarded him with questions but Roan didn’t blink. Neither of us said anything. We only stood there staring at each other.

Then he extended his hand out to mine, he grabbed it and pulled me up off the ground. “Sorry for the sucker punch,” Roan apologized blankly.

“Whatever,” I groaned. “Know this, you better prepare yourself for anything. Because this is the last time I will knock any sense into you. Might as well just be your punching bag at this point.”

“It’s your fault for being such a tool about everything,” Roan pulled the pack of cigarettes from my hand. “Instead of ‘trying to knock some sense’ into me,” he quoted as he lit another cigarette. “Then approach it differently. You’re so fucking hostile about everything.”

I didn’t know what else to say. It’s not the first time I’ve heard this and it’s not the first time Roan’s been angry about my hostility.

“I’m worried about you,” I sighed.

“I know you are,” Roan exhaled smoke from his mouth. “I appreciate your concern. I do, but I need you to lay off and trust that I know what I’m doing. To make it up to me,” Roan began to smirk.

“You could start by being nice to Elijah. Get to know him,” Roan smiled smugly at me. “If you can be at least a little nice to Viv, you can do the same with Elijah.”

I rolled my eyes, “fine.”

“No,” Roan stared at me. “No ‘fines’ or ‘whatevers.’” 

“I will try to be nicer—”

“No,” Roan repeated. “No trying. I let it slide a few days ago but I want you to say the words and mean them. So say it like you mean it.”

Roan knows me all too well. Which means, even if I say those words. He knows I might not follow through.

“I will be nicer to Eli and I will stop acting like such a dick… to both of you.”

The sounds at the club drowned out as I focused my attention on Roan and Eli. They were in a corner talking quietly among themselves. The way Roan was smiling at Eli gave me an unquantifiable amount of anxiety. I thought Roan’s little crush would disappear or at the very least Eli would turn him down. Best case scenario Eli would have rejected Roan hard and vanished from his life.

“So why in the fuck did Eli accept his feelings?” I whispered to myself.

“Fuck man,” Viv’s arm swung around my neck. “What’s with that death glare?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I glared at her.

“Dude, you’d think you were the one in love with Roan,” Viv replied smugly.

I can’t believe I met with this woman again.

“No I’m not,” I rolled my eyes.

“I know,” Viv smiled. She sat down next to me, “you knew they were hooking up in high school… didn’t you?” She smirked.

“How’d you know?”

“You just told me,” she brightened up.

Ah, she’s drunk. It’s annoying how alike we are.

“How’d you find out?”

“I caught them,” Viv shrugged. “More like I saw them. I never said anything. What about you?”

“Same, but I also kind of had a feeling,” I sighed.

“So why are you acting like such a fucking tool?” Viv stared at me intensely. “Roan and I might not be super close but Eli really likes him. I know he does.”

“How are you so sure?”

Viv tapped her finger on the bar then pointed at Eli and Roan. Eli had a small but warm grin on his face as he spoke to Roan, he never avoided eye contact nor held an indifferent look while speaking.

“Eli isn’t great at expressing his emotions… and there’s no traumatic meaning behind it. He’s got alexithymia, processing and expressing… It’s hard for him,” Viv looked at me. “Roan has only ever been the person to bring out that side of him. Eli knows that. He won’t take Roan’s feelings lightly.”

Alexithymia? Is that a real thing?

Viv let out a loud sigh as she stood up, “so stop being such a shitheel and just enjoy the break. You’re going to start ruining it for everyone at this point.”

All these new people in Roan’s life. People he’s only known for a short period of time fit into his life so comfortably… like puzzle pieces. People from Eli’s life. I watched Eli and Roan interlock pinkies and part of me fell into a rage. I witnessed my best friend completely fall apart in high school and the first two years of college. Because of Eli.

I don’t get it. Roan was doing so well the last few years. Finally dating. Partying. Being a normal college student. 

Why go back to this?

What was so good about it?

They did nothing but fling insults at each other for four years. Words that would send classmates into silence and teachers into shock. Their hatred seemed so concrete. How did it get here? They are joined at the hip but don’t seem to be dating. Unless they are hiding it again. Why would they though?

Eli was pulled away by another person and Roan watched Eli walk away with a big smile on his face. Before I knew it, my feet were taking me to Roan. Roan’s friendly expression faded as I approached him. This jerk isn’t even a little bit happy to see me.

“I need to talk to you,” I said firmly. Roan only responded with a nod and followed me outside. I offered him a cigarette, he took it reluctantly.

“What do you want?” Roan asked coldly.

“What the—”

“I swear, if you ask one more time. I will hit you,” Roan glared at me. “I’m getting tired of your shit. Elijah is going out of his way to make you comfortable and all you do is talk shit and make everyone else on edge.”

“I’m getting tired of you acting like such a moron,” I spat back.

“What?”

“What?” I mocked him. “You are either the dumbest person I’ve ever met or the worst.”

Roan threw his cigarette on the ground and we stood face to face, “just speak your mind. No whys or whats. Just say your piece.”

“Do you even understand what you have to lose if you and Eli fall back into whatever was going on with you?”

Roan stepped back suddenly.

Oh? So he hasn’t?

“Let me give you a little advice, Roan,” I stared at him. “When two people intertwine their lives like you and Eli; and those two people are together. When that happens, their lives will be pulled apart; along with the people around them.”

Roan averted his eyes and sighed pressing his temples.

“You know that I have firsthand experience with that.”

“I know.”

“Then why are you doing this? Why did you even go back? I thought this was a stupid little crush but it’s not, obviously.”

“It’s not.”

“Do you remember what you were like in your senior year of school? Or your second year of college? Do you remember?”

“I—” 

“Cause I do. So does Kieran,” I really couldn’t stop the words from coming out of my mouth. “You were depressed and angry all the time. You don’t know what it was like watching you… Then, I’m assuming,” I had held up my hands. “Things finally got broken off right? Because then out of nowhere our second year of college, you started dating casually. Having one-night stands. Partying. Having fun. Now that Eli is back, you’re just going to revert back to that depressed, little—”

A sudden force hit me in the face and my body fell to the floor, Roan punched me.

“What—”

Roan squatted down at eye level with me, “I thought you let this go. I guess I was wrong.” His eyes were cold.

“Do you really think I can just sit by and watch my best friend tear himself apart for some guy again?”

“No,” Roan answered without hesitation. “But I do think my best friend could give me the benefit of the doubt. Trust me when I explain I know what I’m feeling.”

I pinched my nose as I felt blood drip from it, “I don’t trust either of you. You’re both stupid for trying this again.”

“This isn’t something we’re trying again. This is the first time,” Roan stared at me. “Before, it was…” Roan finally broke his cold persona. He stood up and laughed, “god I didn’t want to tell you this— but you don’t fucking listen!” He screamed and I flinched at his words. “Elijah and I only ever slept together. We didn’t have anything to even call what we had romantic. It was toxic.”

“Then why even go back?”

“Because things are different, I told you this.” He glared at me as he began to pace.

“People don’t just change,” I exhaled. “I—”

“I know you’ve seen it firsthand!” He screamed again. “But not everyone is your parents Alex! You know nothing! Nothing!” His voice broke, “...about me and Elijah.” He stopped pacing, “I wish... You’d just support this.” He turned his head to look at me, “If things don’t go well. Then be a friend and be there. If I’m making a mistake then let me make it.”

“You really don’t think being with Eli is a mistake?”

“No,” his answer was firm.

I wanted to ask why again. But at this point I’d be talking in circles again just to get hit.

“Okay, so what about the future?”

“What?”

I scoffed, “your plan—” I shook my head in disbelief. “—the one you’ve been planning for two years? Moving to Korea to start over? What about Eli? Does he even know you’re moving? If he does, is he coming with you?” I bombarded him with questions but Roan didn’t blink. Neither of us said anything. We only stood there staring at each other.

Then he extended his hand out to mine, he grabbed it and pulled me up off the ground. “Sorry for the sucker punch,” Roan apologized blankly.

“Whatever,” I groaned. “Know this, you better prepare yourself for anything. Because this is the last time I will knock any sense into you. Might as well just be your punching bag at this point.”

“It’s your fault for being such a tool about everything,” Roan pulled the pack of cigarettes from my hand. “Instead of ‘trying to knock some sense’ into me,” he quoted as he lit another cigarette. “Then approach it differently. You’re so fucking hostile about everything.”

I didn’t know what else to say. It’s not the first time I’ve heard this and it’s not the first time Roan’s been angry about my hostility.

“I’m worried about you,” I sighed.

“I know you are,” Roan exhaled smoke from his mouth. “I appreciate your concern. I do, but I need you to lay off and trust that I know what I’m doing. To make it up to me,” Roan began to smirk.

“You could start by being nice to Elijah. Get to know him,” Roan smiled smugly at me. “If you can be at least a little nice to Viv, you can do the same with Elijah.”

I rolled my eyes, “fine.”

“No,” Roan stared at me. “No ‘fines’ or ‘whatevers.’” 

“I will try to be nicer—”

“No,” Roan repeated. “No trying. I let it slide a few days ago but I want you to say the words and mean them. So say it like you mean it.”

Roan knows me all too well. Which means, even if I say those words. He knows I might not follow through.

“I will be nicer to Eli and I will stop acting like such a dick… to both of you.”

It was a very long night.

When Alex and I got to the Galaxy bar Viv, Cece and Yoni were already at the bar hanging out with Kiera and Elijah who were working. Once Kiera clocked out of work, she joined us in drinking. This started the most competitive drinking contest I’ve seen in a long time. 

That’s where the night really began.

And where things got hazy.

Alex and Viv passively aggressively argued all night. Everyone begged Elijah and I to let them stay over. Alex and Yoni nerded out over something about video game design. Then there was a very vague walk home. I woke up to the sound of the apartment door opening then closing. The smell of alcohol was hanging in the air of my room. I sat up slowly and a sharp pain pierced the nape of my neck. 

“...Fuck…” I groaned.

Elijah opened the door and leaned against the frame. He grinned, “goodmorning, sunshine. How ya feeling?”

I glared at him, “not great.”

“Look at what I have,” Elijah held up a coffee cup and paper bag. He sat down next to me then handed over the coffee cup. The bitterness of the coffee and the sweetness of the sugar gave me some sense of energy.

“You don’t have to eat this now, but it's an egg sandwich.” Elijah set the paper bag on my bedside table.

“Did everyone really sleep over?” I asked, rubbing my eyes.

Elijah smirked. “Yeah, everyone is asleep in the living room but Alex.”

“What happened?”

“Let’s just say he fell asleep in the bathroom.”

“Wow and after all that talk last night,” I chuckled.

“You’re doing better than them,” Elijah gestured to the living room. “They didn’t even move when I got back.”

“Oh, yeah,” I looked at the food and coffee. “I’m surprised you didn’t make food.”

“I thought everyone would love coffee and fast food,” he snickered.

Whoa.

“You really got everyone breakfast?”

Elijah raised an eyebrow, “yeah? Do you know how miserable everyone is going to be when they wake up?”

I laughed, “you are offhandedly nice to people. Then use logic to cover up the intent. You know that right?”

Elijah suddenly frowned, “that’s not true.” He stood up, walked towards the door then shot me a devious smirk, “I’m about to be mean right now anyways.”

What?

I followed Elijah with my food to the living room; I sat at the kitchen table. Yoni and Cece were sprawled out on the floor like children while Kiera and Viv shared the couch. Elijah set down plates on the table, trying in no way to be quiet. Yet no one moved.

“Wow,” I laughed.

Again, no movement.

“Kiera, Viv, and Alex were begging me last night to wake them up early.”

“What—why?” I scoffed. That doesn’t sound like Alex.

“They wanted to talk about all the parties going on this week.”

Those psychopaths.

“What? All week?”

“Yeah,” Elijah laughed loudly. Kiera began to stir on the couch, she groaned trying to sit up. Elijah walked over to them and crossed his arms, “hey guys. Food and coffee in the kitchen. Get up!” He said stridently.

“No…” Cece groaned.

Kiera sat up with her eyes half open, “you say coffee?” Elijah nodded and within an instant Kiera was in the kitchen guzzling coffee and taking big bites of her breakfast sandwich. Yet Yoni and Viv didn’t make a single move.

“I’ll go wake up Alex,” I said to Elijah.

I hesitated before opening the bathroom door. This could be bad. I was lucky, the bathroom wasn’t a mess and only smelled heavily of liquor. Alex was wrapped around the toilet with his head on the lid.

“Loser,” I kicked his leg and he frowned. “Wakey-wakey. Elijah brought food.”

“Fuck you,” Alex swatted at me. Then paused and he looked at me, “did you say food?”

“Yeah, so get up or I’ll eat your food,” I gave him a smug smile. He returned it with a middle finger. “Seriously get up, people will probably have to use the bathroom.”

“Fine!” He yelled as I walked out.

After this morning, I’ve come to the conclusion that all of my friends are insane. They spent the night drinking to the point they could barely walk home. Only to wake up and plan out which parties they are attending for the rest of the week. When Cece heard about Alex giving up Mardi Gras to visit me, she went out of her way to show Alex all the parties happening that week. Most of which began at 9 and 10 in the morning and wouldn’t end until dawn. It seems everyone was pretty excited for the party week but Elijah was quiet throughout the entire conversation.

“So when do we want to all meet up tonight?” Viv asked.

“I work tonight,” Kiera cried out dramatically. Viv patted her head, “I could call out!”

“Don’t,” Elijah frowned. “Bridgette’ll call me to cover you.”

“So you’re going with us to the party tonight?!” Viv asked excitedly.

“No,” Elijah replied flatly.

“What!? Why?!” Yoni hit his fist on the coffee table.

Elijah looked away uncomfortably, “it’s my day off… I want to sleep.” Viv and Kiera stared at Elijah intensely without making a sound.

Why was that weird for Elijah to say?

“I need some sleep,” Alex sighed loudly. 

“Then let’s meet up later!” Cece gave a thumbs up. As they headed out, Cece turned to me, “see you tonight!”

“I’m not going,” I tilted my head.

Not after tonight those crazy fuckers.

“Why not!?” Yoni and Viv asked at the same time.

I rolled my eyes, “I don’t want to go.”

“Ugh,” they all rolled their eyes as they left our apartment.

“Are you seriously not going tonight?” Alex shot me a glare.

“I—”

The sound of Elijah escaping to his bedroom caught my attention. I looked back at Alex who was still waiting for a response. 

“I can’t drink like that two days in a row,” I explained, rubbing my temples.

“Right,” Alex smirked at me and scoffed. “You’re staying here because Eli is.”

He wasn’t completely wrong.

“I really don’t believe this,” Alex shook his head. He sat back down, “you’ve been partying non-stop for years. You are a literal fuck boy and party boy.” 

“I told you, I can’t drink like that two days in a row.” 

Alex continued frowning at me, “whatever. I’m sleeping in your bed. Go see your boyfriend,” Alex sighed slamming my bedroom door behind him. Feels like I’m being scolded. He hasn’t been hostile toward Elijah, which is good… but I’m another story. I knocked gently on Elijah’s door and he opened it slowly looking up at me sheepishly. Elijah took a step to the side letting me into his room.

“Are you okay?” I asked softly.

“I’m sorry,” he sighed. 

“What? Why are you sorry?”

“I don’t know…”

…He doesn’t know?

“Every time Alex yells at you, it feels like it’s my fault.”

“He’s upset with me, not you,” I explained as I ran my fingers through Elijah’s hair. “I’m not going along with the plans he made up in his head. So he’s acting out.”

Elijah looked at me, “what plans did he have in mind?”

I raised an eyebrow, “probably to party this entire break. Usually we go all out but I don’t want to this year.”

“Why?”

“Last night was enough of a reminder what a terrible hangover is like,” I frowned. “I can’t do that all week.” Elijah held back laughter.

What the hell?

“Why are you laughing?” I pouted.

“You sound like an old man,” Elijah smiled.

“Why don’t you drink?” I glared at him. “You rarely drink and when you do—”

“I don’t get drunk?” Elijah smirked. “I’ve got a high tolerance,” he shrugged. “I don’t like the feeling of being drunk either.”

High tolerance? Now that I think about it… That actually makes sense.

“If the reason you don’t want to go out is because you don’t want to drink. Then just don’t drink. You could still go out,” Elijah raised an eyebrow at me. “Why do you have to drink if you go out?”

“Well…” My cheeks warmed, “I didn’t think about that…”

“But—” Elijah interlaced his fingers with mine. I could hear my heart beat in my ears. “—if you want to stay here because I’m staying.” Elijah’s gaze was intense, “then stay.”

Chapter 47: Elijah

Things are tense at the apartment. Roan didn’t go out drinking with Alex two nights in a row. I told Roan this was going to happen because in response Alex threw a tantrum all morning.

“Eli, you look so angry,” Maeve frowned.

“I’m not mad,” I stated. I found myself going to Kieran’s and Maeve’s to escape the hostility in the apartment. Naturally Kieran and I began working on his car; before I noticed Maeve had joined us.

Kieran snorted at me with a smirk, “you are definitely mad.”

I might be angry. 

But I can’t figure out who I’m angry at. 

Or why.

“I don’t get why Alex has to take his anger out on Roan. I’m the source of his anger,” I glared at the engine.

“Roan probably asked him to,” Maeve smiled at me.

“Why would he do that? That doesn’t make any sense,” I frowned.

Maeve pinched my cheeks, “you’re so cute Eli! Why would he stand by and let the person he likes get treated badly?” 

I swatted her hands away from me, “I don’t know. It doesn’t sound like a logical reason to let someone speak to you that way.”

“You wouldn’t have responded,” Kieran smiled.

“That’s because this is nothing new for me.” I sighed and rubbed the back of my neck. “They are best friends. It’s a different type of situation.”

“Why does Alex even hate you so much?” Maeve asked.

“I’m assuming it’s because I look so apathetic all the time,” I concluded.

I know that’s the reason.

Men react to my facial expressions with anger. Women tend to react with fear.

“Why do you have resting bitch face?” Maeve asked with a curious blink.

“Maeve,” Kieran frowned at her. “That’s so rude.”

I laughed, “it’s okay.” Then I shrugged, “it’s just my face. There’s no reason behind it.” I leaned against the car, “I’d be happier if it was a personality thing.” My face fell flat as I thought, “it’s genetic.”

“Seriously?” Kieran raised his eyebrows.

“Yeah,” I nodded. God I wish it wasn’t genetic, maybe life would have been easier.

“I’m confused!” Maeve declared throwing her arms in the air. “That was so long ago. Why hasn’t he grown up yet? At least a little bit?”

“He definitely blames Eli for all the bullshit that happened in high school.” Kieran nodded affirmingly.

I flinched at his words, “what do you mean?”

Kieran scratched the back of his head nervously, “...well… The fight,” Kieran sighed. A sudden wave of relief washed over me. “Roan was such a hot mess of a person. And his domineering act towards you wasn’t like him at all. A lot of us were worried. Especially during our senior year.”

He was right, it was a bad year. For everyone. Those memories flashed through my head; I pushed them to the back. I can’t think about that right now.

“It’s still crazy to me,” Maeve tilted her head. “That you two…” Maeve laughed uncomfortably, “I mean not together. But with everything that’s happened between you two. It’s just surprising.”

“It is crazy,” I agreed. “Don’t put too much blame on Roan. I was just as much of an asshole back. Maybe Alex is worried about that.”

I was so mad back then… exhausted physically and emotionally. Before Roan, it was effortless to ignore Alex’s shit personality. The longer that time went on, the more passive aggressive I’d get.

“But you’re different,” Maeve shrugged and Kieran nodded in agreement. “Maybe more calm?”

“Working manual labor and customer service for two years will do that.” I bit the inside of my lip, “it was the rumors.”

“What?”

“I seem more calm because of the rumors that followed me around in high school… They didn’t paint me very well…”

Maeve shot Kieran a glare, “did you know they were rumors?”

She believed them too?

Kieran didn’t respond. Just like Roan, Kieran knew that Alex was the source.

“Where there’s smoke, there’s fire…” I shrugged. “I wasn’t exactly a model student.”

I could tell Kieran felt guilty. He had no reason to. I never held any dislike for the three of them. But for a long time, I didn’t understand why they hated me so much. Eventually, Roan told me that I don’t react to the things people say. When I give answers I sound rude, that I sound arrogant. 

Sadly it wasn’t a private conversation. 

It was one of the many times Roan and I would pick fights between classes. We’d call out each other's biggest insecurities in front of class.

Roan was the class representative.

I was the miscreant.

I became the offender no matter the situation. Instead of being the bigger person and ignoring Roan. I responded childishly, poking at him more and more.

It was easier ignoring everyone else. I must have really wanted his attention. If Alex knew about me and Roan in high school. Which he probably did, now that I think about it. His hostility and anger is out of worry. Roan became something he wasn’t because of our relationship.

I guess I was beginning to feel too comfortable with Roan… Alex is worried for a good reason. There are so many 'what-ifs' floating around in my mind, it feels cloudy. I hate when my mind veers this way.

Because this isn’t me.

I’m not sure if I’m getting punished for something in a previous life or just having the worst luck of my life. Things have been going so well with Elijah, I should have known something like this is going to happen.

“What’s wrong with you?” Elijah’s voice made me jump. He smiled at me, “did I scare you? Didn’t you hear me open and close the door?”

I sat up quickly, “well…”

Elijah squinted at me then sat down next to me on the couch, “what happened?”

Fuck.

I laughed uncomfortably then stood up quickly, “let's go get food!”

Elijah grabbed my hand and pulled me back onto the couch, “don’t even think about it.” I remained quiet, staring at Elijah. 

Nothing bad actually happened…

“...Alex called me and kind of invited himself to stay for Spring Break…” I watched Elijah very carefully.

Alex and Elijah were on a different level of dislike towards each other. If Alex wasn’t so adamant about getting into Harvard, then the two would have definitely gotten into a fight. This dislike of each other started before Elijah and I even spoke to each other.

Elijah only raised an eyebrow, “what’s wrong with that?”

“Huh?”

“What?”

“I thought you’d be mad or uncomfortable.”

Elijah’s face softened slightly while he stared at me, “what did you tell him?”

“Only that I was planning on confessing…”

“That was months ago,” Elijah suddenly frowned.

I rubbed the back of my neck, “I don’t want to listen to him—”

“Talk about how much he hates me?” Elijah cut me off.

“...Yeah…”

“I would say I’m not anxious about it. But I am,” Elijah tilted his head.

“Really?”

“He’s your best friend,” Elijah continued staring at me. “I only had animosity towards Alex because he was adamant that I was a delinquent.”

True. Alex fired the flames of rumors about Elijah throughout high school.

“I mean, you could always be an ass back,” I smirked.

Elijah shook his head, “it’s only fun when I do it to you. Besides, I’d rather put those feelings of dislike to rest.”  I grinned, before I could speak Elijah covered my mouth, “stop. You’re probably thinking about something cringey.”

I nodded happily, I pulled his hand away from my mouth and held it tightly. “Are you doing this for me?”

Elijah glared at me, “no.”

Liar.

“Alright, alright,” I gave up.

“When is he going to be here?” Elijah asked and I gave him a guilty smile. Elijah frowned, “soon?”

“Yeah… he called me when he got off the plane. I’m so sorry,” I laughed uncomfortably. 

I feel so bad. Fucking Alex and his bullshit.

Elijah patted my head, “don’t worry yourself. It’s not your fault. It’s not his either, I’m sure he’s just worried about you.” I attempted to hug Elijah but was stopped by the sound of a knock at the door.

I might commit murder this week.

There was another loud knock, as I stood up Alex pounded on the door again. “Open your door, I know you’re in there!” He yelled.

I swung the door open, “dude other people live here. Shut the hell up.”

Alex walked through the door then stopped immediately as soon as he saw Elijah. Alex dropped his stuff on the floor and glared at him. Elijah gave Alex his trademark indifferent expression.

“Seriously?” Alex scoffed, “some things never change do they?”

Elijah didn’t say anything but looked at me, “I have work soon. I’m going to get ready.” I nodded in response and Elijah headed to his room. Elijah stopped at his door and looked at both of us, “you should head by Galaxy if you get a chance.”

“We will,” I smiled at him. Elijah closed the door behind him and Alex turned away quickly to look at me.

“What—”

“Stop,” I glared at him.

“No,” Alex shook his head in disbelief. “I—”

“Why’d you even come back for Spring Break? Weren’t you going to Mardi Gras?”

Alex shoved me, “you tell me you’re going to confess Elijah you liked him then never called me back! That was months ago!”

“Dude be quiet,” I hushed him.

“Why? Are you guys dating now or something?”

“It’s complicated.”

“Well?” He held up his arms gesturing around the apartment, “how could it not be when you live with him?”

“Living together isn’t what makes it complicated. Our relationship and how it’s going isn’t your business. And if you really want to know, maybe be nicer to me and Elijah instead of being so hostile.”

Alex wrinkled his forehead but remained silent. He took a seat at our kitchen table and laughed uncomfortably. “Can we at least talk about this?” Alex frowned.

Elijah’s words suddenly came to mind: I’m sure he’s just worried about you.

“Fine,” I sighed, rubbing my temples. “Let’s go get food,”

The walk to the obscure sandwich shop Alex and I found in high school was short. Although it felt like ages because Alex was absolutely silent while maintaining an extremely dark glare. To the point strangers on the street would actively avoid us. Once we ordered and sat down with our food, Alex slammed his soda on the table.

“So what happened?” Alex glared.

“I told him how I felt,” I looked away.

Alex sighed, “oh my god. Why are you so hesitant talking to me about this? You usually can't stop talking about the people you date. How is Elijah different? Is it because you know it won’t work and don’t want to hear it from someone else?”

His words stung but it didn’t make me question mine or Elijah’s feelings. “That was in high school. It’s different this time.”

“How?”

“Because I’m approaching it in the right order now,” I explained.

“What does that mean?”

“Something you wouldn’t want to know,” I sipped my drink.

“How so? He hasn’t changed, you saw the death glare he shot me when I showed up.”

“I think you’re confusing him with yourself. Besides, he was only looking at you. That’s just his natural face.”

“Yeah, right,” Alex scoffed.

I glared at him, “stop. I will kick you to the curb if you don’t stop with this.”

“Are you kidding me?”

“No.”

“Why do you even like him so much?”

“He’s kind, generous, smart, a bigger bookworm than me, and mechanically inclined,” I listed. I leaned forward grinning, “and he’s very handsome.” Alex didn’t respond, he looked at his sandwich and took a bite.

I sat back, smiling at the table, “I think my favorite thing about him is his tenacity. It’s impressive and admirable.” I looked at Alex who was staring at me, “I really like him. I’m serious.”

“So then can you explain to me what’s going on?” Alex asked, his voice softer this time and his glare disappeared from his face.

“I told him how I felt. We share the same feelings but he’s hesitant.”

“Why?”

“Wouldn’t it be weirder if he wasn’t?”

Alex nodded, “that’s true. Why aren’t you hesitant?”

“I was but for a different reason…” I trailed off opening my bag of chips. “I didn’t want my feelings to cause any problems for Elijah.”

“Let me ask a different question. Why are you two so hesitant in the first place? Did it end that badly?”

I looked away from Alex, “it’s not something I want to relive. So, yes, it did end badly. But that’s all you’re getting. The rest is between me and Elijah.”

“Fine,” Alex sighed. “I won’t promise we will be friends.”

“Be nice to him,” I glared. “I’m serious. I won’t put up with anymore of your shitty behavior towards him.”

Alex rolled his eyes, “fine.”

Viv gave me very good advice about charming Elijah. Something about him that I didn’t know at all. Something weirdly surprising.

Elijah loves cats. 

But Viv gave me a warning, Elijah might panic and run away if he knows I want to take him out on a date. Which I do want to… but I don’t want to make him uncomfortable. Yet, after everything that happened with his boss. I want to do something to get his mind off it. It’d be a good excuse for a date but it's better if it’s not. 

I’ll let Elijah decide whether it's a date or not.

After his boss was arrested and the other garages were raided, there were only a few auto repair shops left open in the city. Considering Elijah and Benny are newbies, getting a job at one of those would be impossible.

I can’t imagine how many people lost their jobs because of one terrible man.

The time Elijah originally spent at the garage was replaced with him reading books all day, every day. I’ve never seen someone read this much in my entire life — or immerse themselves into a story the way he does. Elijah started allowing himself to sleep in now that he only works nights. I heard his door open and close, he emerged from his room half-asleep. My system went into shock when I looked at him. Elijah wasn’t wearing a shirt and had his hands in the pockets of his pajama pants.

Is he doing this on purpose?

In high school, he was thin but it’s different now. His muscles were well-defined and no longer looked lean. I had to avert my eyes back to the ground. If I looked any longer…

“Hey, what are you watching?” Elijah asked.

“Oh—” I looked back at the TV. “—20 Rock.”

“That show that’s about a show?”

“...Yeah.” 

Elijah walked up next to me and leaned over, “why won’t you look at me?”

I kept my gaze averted, “why do you think?” I closed my eyes and felt my entire face turn red.

Elijah stood up straight again and walked into the kitchen, “are you going through puberty or something?” I could hear amusement in his voice.

“Shut up,” I frowned.

“Okay, okay,” Elijah smiled. “I’ll be right back.”

He definitely did that on purpose.

When he came back out to the living room he sat on the couch with the coffee he had made before putting on a shirt.

I turned the TV down and looked at him, “do you have any plans today?”

“I have to work later but that’s all,” Elijah answered flatly.

“Do you want to hang out before you go to work?” I asked.

“Um sure. What were you thinking?”

“It’s a surprise,” I said with a sneaky grin.

Elijah immediately frowned, “why?”

“I want it to be a surprise that’s why.”

Elijah rolled his eyes, “I hate when you do that.”

“What? Give you a taste of your own medicine?”

Elijah was not amused, “well I can’t really argue that.” He leaned back in his seat, “...but I’ll play along.”

He’s been weirdly good at that lately. If I tease him first, he’ll get annoyed but then effortlessly throw it back at me. I kind of love it. Date or not. I have an unbelievable itch to see that big smile again. I can’t stop thinking about it. He looked like a completely different person. While we were walking to the destination I picked out, Elijah kept giving me the side-eye. It’s funny how annoyed he is that I’m not telling him. It took me a few weeks to find this place and I’m not giving up on my plan now. When we finally arrived there, I couldn’t stop staring at Elijah. He was making the funniest expression. 

It was a cat cafe, called ‘Kit-Tea.’

Elijah looked absolutely flabbergasted that we were standing in front of a cat cafe. “Uh…” he scratched his cheek nervously. Elijah’s neck and ears were flushed then he cleared his throat.

I smiled, “you okay?”

Elijah looked at me, “how did you know I wanted to go to a cat cafe?”

“As much as I’d love to take credit for it. Viv told me,” I poked him in the cheek. 

Elijah smiled back, “you asked though? Didn’t you?”

“Maybe…”

Elijah grabbed my hand, “let’s go!” He pulled me into the cafe.

The interior was broken into two parts, one area where people were eating and drinking. The other area was dedicated to the cats. Surprisingly, there were a lot of people here. I’ve only ever heard controversy about cat cafes. At least in the states.

I squeezed Elijah’s hand, he looked back at me, “go pick a table we can sit at. I’ll order our drinks and…” Elijah was staring at me, “stuff…”

Elijah was giving me a look I haven’t seen in a very, very, very long time. And it nearly stopped my heart. It used to be accompanied with nervousness and uncomfortability.

But…

Now?

Elijah was tilting his head back, looking up at me with an almost innocent look in his eyes. “Okay,” he said softly. I turned him around quickly and gently pushed him towards the cafe area.

Ha… Fuck me.

For some reason, cats hate me so I decided to keep my distance and watch Elijah happily play with them. It made me happy in ways I don’t know how to explain. He wasn’t smiling the way I wanted him to but this was just as pleasing. I should bring him here more often. We spent more time there than I originally planned but it was definitely worth it. Elijah couldn’t wipe that giddy smile off his face. As we walked to get food we ran into Benny who was also out with his partner. 

“Hey,” Benny waved.

Elijah’s indifferent expression returned when he waved back, “this is Max right?” Looking over to Benny’s partner.

“Yes,” Benny smiled brightly. “I told you they are so pretty.” He cried out hugging Max tightly. Max didn’t say anything but gave Benny a smile. “So are you guys out on a date?”

I opened my mouth but Elijah spoke first, “yeah. We are.” He answered with no inflection in his voice and a deadpan stare at Benny.

What? Did he know? Why does he seem annoyed?

“Us too,” Benny nodded with a smirk. “We can talk later!” He said as the two walked away from us.

Elijah looked at me, “what? You’re making a weird face.”

“I’m surprised, that’s all,” I laughed nervously.

“Oh…” Elijah’s expression suddenly dropped. “Is this not… a date?”

“N-no!” I began to panic, “it is! I just didn’t think you felt that it was.”

Elijah snorted, “let's go eat. I have to work soon.”

We decided to go somewhere cheap and quick. Elijah seemed to be in a hurry, I wasn’t really sure why. He didn’t seem nervous, embarrassed, or impatient. Yet… he didn’t have that apathetic or indifferent expression on his face. 

“Everything okay?” I asked as we sat down.

“I’m stressed about not working,” Elijah looked away from me.

“Is there anything I can do to help?”

Elijah didn’t look my way and kept his eyes glued outside. He began tapping his finger on the table then covered his eyes with his hand. “Can you help me with bills until I can find another job? Bartending isn’t cutting it…” Elijah could barely look me in the eye.

“Of course,” I replied instantly. I reached out and touched the top of his hand, and he flinched. His ears and neck turned red as he interlaced his fingers with mine.

Funnily enough, neither of us could look at each other.

My appearance is something I never really cared about, I’d rather choose practical clothing over aesthetic. It’s been months since my sister bought me new clothes. I was lucky enough for her to be so distracted by Nico that she didn’t notice. I don’t feel good trashing clothes, even if they have holes in them. I’d rather wear them until I can’t. So I’ve been slowly getting rid of my old clothes as they fall apart. But there’s something I haven’t felt in a long time, being self-conscious of what I look like. 

As I stared at myself in the mirror, I noticed how long my hair had gotten since I moved in. I went from one-inch-long hair to a shaggy layer of hair covering the top of my head. It was beginning to cover my eyes, making it hard to work and which meant spending more money on shampoo 

“I look like a kid,” I said to myself while frowning. I went back to my room and stared at all my old clothing, I grabbed all of them between my arms and shoved them into a large black trash bag. 

If I don’t do this now, I never will.

After throwing out the old clothes, I returned to the bathroom and pulled out buzzers to cut my hair. But there was something stopping me. I tilted my head back and forth, running my fingers through my hair. Roan always really liked my long hair. Although he wouldn’t say that out loud. We didn’t have that many good moments in high school, but there was one that remained in my head. 

One that would surface at the worst times. We were at Roan’s house one weekend, it was one of the rare times he’d let me stay over after we slept together. I would sit on the floor against his bed. His touch was always extremely gentle; to the point where it was hard to feel. Roan was playing with the ends of my hair and would gently twirl pieces in the direction of curl. 

This is the first time since I cut my hair that I felt hesitant to do it again.

Was this because of him?

Or do I want long hair again?

Technically I could tie my hair back or wear a headband when I work on cars… I pulled out my phone and called Kieran.

“Eli! What’s up my friend?!” Kieran greeted me.

“Are you busy today?”

“Nope, I have the day off. Why? Do you want to hang out?” Kieran asked ecstatically.

“Oh yeah… I was also going to ask if you could cut my hair. But if it’s your day off, I would rather not do that to you.”

“Oh-ho! You want a haircut? Really?”

“Really.”

“I can do that for— no — in fact I would love to cut your hair!”

“Are you sure?”

“Absolutely!”

“Thanks Kieran,” I said softly. “I’ll leave right now, I’ll be there in about 30 minutes.”

“Thirty minutes?! How in the hell do you do that?”

“I’ll be taking my bike to see you.”

“Bike? You have a motorcycle?”

“Yeah, I’ve been restoring it. I’m close to finishing.”

“That’s so cool, I can’t wait to see it.”

“Well I’ll see you in a bit.”

“See ya, Eli!”

I hung up and slid my phone in my pocket, rubbed my cheeks and exhaled deeply. “‘What we call the beginning… is often the end.’” I turned my chin back and forth in the mirror, looking carefully at my facial structure. “‘ And to make an end is to make a beginning.’”

I didn’t want a shaved head again. So what kind of haircut would look good on me?

The drive to Kieran’s was fast, I was so focused on driving that not a single thought crossed my mind. That’s one of things I love most about riding my bike, my mind can go blank. I can focus on the road ahead. I pulled up to Kieran’s house, he had been waiting inside of his garage. Kieran had a shocked face when I pulled up. That always amused me about people, they were always in shock when they saw me with my bike.

“Dude!” Kieran called out running towards me as I took off my helmet. “This is so cool! What kind of bike is this?” He asked curiously looking at the different parts.

“A 1980 Yamaha Cruiser, the XS850 Triple model.”

“Where’d you even get this?” Kieran asked squatting on the ground looking at it more in depth. 

“It was my dad’s,” I answered flatly.

“Oh, did he help restore it?”

I didn’t know what to say.

“...No. He died when I was really young, the bike went to my brother. He didn’t take care of it though. So in high school I started restoring it by myself.”

Kieran was silently staring at me, he shifted his attention back to the bike. That was a normal reaction for most people when they hear my parents died. It didn’t make me feel bad but it also didn’t feel great.

“I’m sorry,” Kieran said quietly rubbing the back of his neck.

“Don’t be. It was a long time ago. And I have this to remember him… I guess,” I said quietly. I didn’t like saying things like that out loud, but Kieran is someone I know who wouldn’t go around talking about it. “I was thinking about adding a memento to the bike, but I’m not sure what to pick.” I stated. 

“Hmmm,” Kieran hummed, tapping his finger on his chin. “You could put an engraving on it somewhere. Something hanging off the bike could be lost. An engraving would be permanent.”

“Oh, that’s a good idea.”

“Do you have any ideas for that?”

“No, not really. Well… not yet. I’d have to ask my grandparents to help me.”

“That’s a good idea,” Kieran smiled at me. “I lost my mom a few years ago, but I can’t relate to not knowing her. That must be rough.”

I blinked and then rubbed the back of my neck, “I guess. Can we get to the haircut?”

Kieran stared at me then burst into laughter. He stood up, “you really get to the point. Don’t you?”

I shrugged, “I don’t like to waste time.”

Kieran smirked and we started walking to his garage. “Saying it like that makes it seem like you’re an asshole.”

I shrugged again, “nothing I haven’t heard before.”

“So is there a haircut you want specifically?” 

“I have no idea. I was going to shave it but… I want to do something different.”

“I get that, especially with that mop sitting on top of your head.”

“So what do you think? Personally I’d like something easy to take care of and not have it get in the way when I work.”

“I got a few haircuts that would work. Do you want to see?”

“Sure.”

Kieran disappeared into his house and returned with a book, it was full of different haircuts along with their names.

“Haircuts have names?”

“Of course,” Kieran snorted. He opened the book, “I think these three would be the best cuts for you.”

Kieran pointed to the first cut: choppy crop. It was layered on the top and shaved on the sides. The next was a french crop. A cut that looked similar to what I got almost a year ago. The last was a Caesar cut, it was shorter and cleaner than the other two.

I pointed at the french crop image: “I’ve had this before.”

“Then let's not do it again!” Kieran declared. “A choppy cut would be too long then. You’d have to get it cut regularly. Let’s go with the Caesar cut.”

I nodded, “okay.”

Kieran threw a cutting cape around me and began spraying my hair with water.

“Why’d you choose to be a hairdresser?” I asked.

“I’m not sure if I’m being honest,” Kieran chuckled to himself. “There’s something about it that is fun. What do you like about fixing vehicles?”

“There’s always an answer to things, nothing is ever vague. That’s why I like mechanics in general.”

Kieran remained quiet as he cut my hair, he was hyper focused. He’d switch between looking at me in the mirror then swiveling the chair as he cut the sides of my head.

“What made you want to get a haircut today?”

“I’ve been putting off wearing the new clothes my sister got me, I figured it was a good reason to cut my hair too.”

“Oh-ho! New clothes? What’s the occasion?”

I grimaced, “my sister made me buy new clothes.”

Kieran smiled, “you’re going to give Roan a heart attack. Walking in: new haircut and new clothes.”

My heart began to race a little bit. I wonder what face he’ll make.

After the haircut, Kieran and I said our goodbyes. He was incredibly pushy about sending me home. I’m assuming he wants to know what Roan thinks. To be honest, I’m kind of curious too.

The ride back home was fast, there were little to no cars on the road. The sun setting on the horizon was beautiful. Splashes of reds, oranges, and yellows were painted across the sky. For some reason it seemed more beautiful than usual. I pulled up to the apartments and parked next to Roan’s car. The air was still warm and the sweat dripped down the back of my neck when I took off my helmet.

“Elijah?” Roan called out to me. When I turned around Roan had a bag of takeout in one hand. His eyes were wide then flashed back and forth between me and the bike.

Cute.

I smiled, “hey. My hair was getting kind of long so I asked Kieran to cut it.” He remained silent and it became even harder to fight back my smile.

Roan’s cheeks flushed, “it looks… good.” Roan cleared his throat, “do you not like it being long?”

I locked the motorcycle, “I don’t really care but it gets in the way sometimes when I’m working on cars.”

Roan took a few steps towards me, “I didn’t know this was yours. I saw it after New Years but never again after that.”

“I usually keep it in my storage unit,” I explained. “I didn’t feel like walking back from the storage place.” Roan was staring at me with an intense look and was completely silent. “... Is everything okay?”

“You… just look different,” Roan rubbed the back of head and looked away from me.

I smiled smugly, “that tends to happen when you get your haircut and new clothes.”

Roan’s nervousness instantly disappeared and was replaced with a look of annoyance. 

“Don’t be a brat,” Roan pouted.

“Let’s go eat,” I smiled as I pulled him towards the apartment.

I’m curious about Elijah’s family. Nico and Cassia are so explosively extroverted and Elijah very introverted. Yet they all share the same two traits: the intense eyes and blunt honesty. 

I wonder if the rest of the family is the same.

Elijah’s anxiety about his work didn’t fade. He’d be so lost in thought that Nico and I would have to call his name several times to get his attention. I’m feeling grateful to my past-self for suggesting movies and games.

The real issue?

Nico is fighting me at every turn.

The kid hates me.

“Guys pick a movie or I’m leaving you both here,” Elijah frowned at us. For the last twenty minutes Nico and I have been arguing back and forth about what to watch. Every suggestion I gave was met with a ‘no’ but Nico wouldn’t give his own. 

“He’s the one who picks crappy movies,” Nico pointed at me.

I rolled my eyes and sighed, “then you pick.”

Nico smiled smugly at me, “no.”

Elijah grabbed Nico by the back of his head, “pick a fucking movie before I lose my mind.” 

Elijah let go and Nico let out a very nervous laugh, “s-sorry.” Nico walked towards the list of movies.

“I should have taken him home last night,” Elijah glared at the back of Nico’s head. “I don’t understand why he’s being this way towards you.”

I do.

I shrugged, “I’m sure it’s because of everything going on.” I smiled at him, “I’m not taking it personally, don’t worry.” 

Nico returned to us, “let’s see ‘Star Soot’.”

“Roan al—” Elijah began but I pulled him towards me with my arm. 

“Yeah, let’s see that! I’ve read the book actually,” I smiled at Nico who was giving me a dirty look.

“...Oh that’s a good book…” Nico looked away. “Ugh,” Nico groaned. “Let’s just go.”

It was kind of funny to watch. Nico tried so hard to be mean but would slip up over something so simple. It’s obvious he’s protective over Elijah. Cassia is too, yet they both express it in different ways…

We entered the empty theater and when I tried sitting down next to Elijah, Nico pushed me out of the way. Noticing that, Elijah once again was annoyed with Nico and decided to sit in between us. During the movie, Elijah never reached out to me but would lean in close and sometimes lean on my shoulder. He seemed tired the more I looked at him; one of the things I’ve learned about Elijah. Stress affects him on a lot of different levels and depending on what it is — his attitude will change. I haven’t seen him react this way before.

The movie was surprisingly good, I had been putting off watching it because adaptations rarely ever end up being good. As we left the movie theater, Elijah grabbed my popcorn bucket and held onto it tightly. 

“I can’t believe they ruined that movie,” Nico rolled his eyes.

“What are you talking about? It was good,” I frowned.

“Oh, so you didn’t read the books?” Nico smirked.

This fucking kid.

“Of course I did, maybe you lack understanding of the plot.” I scoffed.

“Pfft,” Elijah grinned. 

“Hey!” Nico called out to Elijah. “Come on, I’m right and you know it Eli!” 

Elijah took a sip of his drink and shrugged, “it could have been worse.”

“That is a great point,” I nodded firmly.

“You’re both annoying,” Nico growled as he stomped off towards the arcade outside the building.

“You can go ahead. I’m not going to play games,” Elijah looked at me.

“Oh… That’s right,” I smiled at him. “You suck at arcade games.”

Elijah frowned, “you don’t need to say it out loud. Go ahead.”

“Alright!” I headed towards the arcade.

Maybe.

Just maybe.

I can get this annoying kid to like me. 

Or at least tolerate me.

It wasn’t hard to find Nico when I got into the arcade, the kid went straight for the racing games.

“Hey there,” I called out.

Nico didn’t turn around, “go hang out with Eli. You guys don’t want me here anyways.”

“Why do you think that?” 

Nico lost the game and quickly faced me, “don’t play dumb. I know you guys are together. Why would you guys want to bring me on what is essentially a date?”

“It’s not a date,” I tilted my head.

I can see why he thinks that though.

“Yeah, right,” Nico rolled his eyes.

“No, really.” I reaffirmed as I sat down next to him. “Elijah was having a bad day and you came to visit. Why wouldn’t we go do something?”

Nico’s forehead wrinkled as he stared at me, “whatever.”

“I already told you, Elijah hasn’t exactly agreed to be my boyfriend yet,” I put a token into his racing game.

“That’s not surprising considering how fucking mean you were to him in high school.”

I was at a loss for words because he wasn’t wrong. I didn’t know how to respond without making it sound like an excuse. I slid a token into my game and started it. Focusing was hard, the silence between us was uncomfortable. It felt hostile. The game between us didn’t last very long, we were both so on edge that neither of us were able to finish our race.

“Sorry,” Nico stood up and stared at me with a blank look. He looked at Elijah who was standing at the entrance, hyper-focused on eating popcorn. “He was a wreck during high school, everyone was bullying him for no reason.” Nico looked back at me with a fierce look, “do you even know what it was like to watch Eli fall apart? Someone like him?”

Sadly, I do.

“I want to trust you,” Nico stared at me. 

“I can’t persuade you to trust me,” I replied. “But I will let you know that Elijah isn’t just some fling. I… really like him. I always have. I know I messed up in the past but I will do everything I can to make it up to him.”

Nico didn’t say anything but he kept his gaze on me. Studying me carefully. “Okay,” he sighed. “I’m keeping an eye on you.”

“Sounds good enough to me,” I grinned.

“Are you actually good at gaming?”

“I know I’m better than Elijah.”

Nico laughed, “well that’s better than nothing.”

We spent the next hour jumping between games, competing most of the time. Although there were a few team based games and we dominated; knocking out the top scores. Nico was surprisingly really good at gaming, even if he never played before. Watching him master a game in minutes was incredible.

Eventually I was exhausted, trying to keep up with this kid was hard. I left Nico to play games by himself and when I returned to the entrance Elijah’s focus was glued to his phone.

“What’s got your attention?” I asked, sitting next to him.

Elijah showed me his phone, it was a news article about his boss and the garage Elijah had been working at. The title read: ‘Black Top Auto Repair Owner Linked to Drug Trafficking Investigation.’ 

“They are saying multiple locations were raided too but it seems my boss was the ring leader,” Elijah looked disappointed. His bottom lip quivered ever-so-slightly, “they are closing down a lot of the auto repair garages in town…” Elijah inhaled deeply as if he was fighting back tears. “I’m going to be stuck as a bartender longer than I thought,” he scoffed as he shook his head.

He leaned back in his seat, “sorry. I know you were trying to get my mind off of it. I went and looked for news articles once I was alone.”

“I would’ve done the same,” I replied watching people walk through the streets. “Nico is so good at gaming. What the hell is that about?” I asked, trying to reroute the conversation.

Elijah shrugged, “he’s always been good at games. Doesn’t even matter the type.”

“He could be a professional,” I tilted my head back and forth.

“Definitely,” Elijah agreed. “My sister and Nico’s dad want him to finish high school before pursuing it as a career.”

“That’s fair…” I nodded. 

My mind was stuck on Elijah’s misfortune. Elijah wanted to be an official auto mechanic and work full time at an auto repair shop… Then it was taken away from him instantly, for no reason.

Our eyes lingered on each other for a moment when an idea hit me.

“What about making your own?”

Elijah raised an eyebrow, “make my own? What?”

“Your own business,” I smiled. “You’d be your own boss, you could run things the way you want to. Instead of getting involved with idiots.”

“You think I could do that?” Elijah asked blankly.

“Hell yeah!” I almost shouted, Elijah seemed taken back by my outburst. “You think so rationally and you’re so good to people.” I held up my fingers as I listed, “you know how the industry works and you’ve got killer instincts.”

I could feel Elijah staring at me and when I looked he was giving me a small smile. “I did have fun today, just so you know. It was amusing watching you play games with Nico.” Elijah began laughing, “you progressively got less and less confident.”

“That’s so rude.”

“It’s a rare sight to see you so insecure about something simple,” Elijah grinned. I frowned as Elijah maintained his smile. Elijah rested against his arm as he turned his body to face me. He mumbled something under his breath and looked at me with a strange expression on his face. 

One I’ve never seen before.

It was making me nervous.

Elijah opened his mouth but his phone started ringing, he frowned and answered the phone. “Hey Cassie,” he greeted her roughly. “Yeah… okay… Yeah we will leave right now. We should be back in about 20 minutes.” 

“Is she here?” I asked and Elijah nodded with an annoyed expression written across his face.

When we got back to the apartment, Cassia was leaning against her car at the entrance with her arms crossed. Cassia had no expression looking at Elijah and Nico but as soon as our eyes met, she lit up. 

“Roan!” She smiled happily, “how are you?”

“I’m good,” I smiled back. “How are you?”

“Well,” she gave Nico and Elijah a fake smile. “It could be better.” Cassia reached into her car and pulled out a tupperware container, she handed it over to me. “I brought you some cookies. You can keep the container.” It was a big container and heavy. The smell of peanut butter and chocolate radiated from the tupperware. 

Chocolate and peanut butter cookies? These are my favorites… Did Elijah tell her?

“Eli lets go get Nico’s stuff, I need to speak to you,” Cassia said with a flat voice. Elijah nodded and the two headed up to the apartment.

“Ugh,” Nico glared.

“What?”

Nico paused and he kept his eyes focused on the ground, “... I think Eli really likes you. I’ve never seen him smile the way he does at you.”

“Really?”

“Yeah,” Nico looked at the apartments. “I still don’t trust you but at least Eli seems happy.”

I felt a sensation of pleasure and guilt wash over me.

Nico was staring at Elijah’s door, the kid definitely felt bad for what he said. I patted the top of his head, “that was uncalled for.”

“But—”

“Give him some time… you know, eat and get comfortable.” I messed up his hair and returned his glare with a smile. “Feel free to play games or watch TV,” I pointed at the TV. 

Nico sighed looking at the ground, “okay…”

I set down a pizza and soda in front of him, “did you really get caught at school?”

“Yeah.”

To be honest—

“—I’m impressed,” I mumbled.

“What?”

“Nothing,” I smiled. “What kind of punishment does the school hand out for something like that?”

“They suspended me,” Nico rolled his eyes. He picked up his pizza but only stared at it.

“For how long?”

“Two weeks.”

“That’s kind of long… How’d you even get caught?”

Nico’s face turned bright red, “the freaking janitor caught us.”

“HAHAHA!”

“Don’t laugh at me!”

I wiped a tear from my eye, “man. That’s so funny.”

Nico's face looked broken… anger, frustration, and sadness, “it’s not funny!”

“I’m not laughing at you, kid.” I tried reassuring him, “it’s pretty impressive.”

“How is that impressive? People won’t stop talking about me in school and now I’m not even allowed to see my girlfriend,” Nico groaned.

“That’s true,” I shrugged. “But the funny thing about making a scene. Eventually people forget about it once something else happens. Is that why you ran away?”

“No,” Nico gripped his soda. “My mom and I had a really bad fight,” he leaned against his arm. “We don’t fight.”

I heard Elijah’s door open and appeared from his room, he and Nico stared at each other quietly. Elijah had his signature blank expression while maintaining eye contact with Nico.

He’s mad.

When Elijah looked at me his expression softened slightly, “can I talk to you privately?” I nodded and followed Elijah into his room.

“Is everything okay?” I asked

Elijah closed the door behind him, “can he stay here ‘til tomorrow evening?”

“Of course,” I answered without hesitation.

Elijah tried covering his face, “I’m so sorry.”

“For what?” I asked, pulling his hands from his face.

“He showed up out of nowhere…then said all those things…”

I poked him in the forehead, “that’s not your fault so you don’t need to apologize. How old is that kid anyways?”

“He just turned 17,” Elijah answered, finally looking at me again. He frowned at me, looking conflicted. “Are you sure it’s okay?”

“Of course it’s okay,” I reassured him. I pulled Elijah in for a hug, “it’s not your fault. If apologizing makes you feel better then apologize—” Elijah wrapped his arms around me too and held on tightly. “— B-but there is no reason for you to.”

This isn’t good for my heart.

I gently pushed him back with a smile, “besides…I get to meet more of your family.”

Elijah stared at me, “things are a little sensitive right now. My sister and Nico fought.”

“Nico told me they don’t fight, so that’s a fair reaction.”

Elijah raised an eyebrow at me. “He told you?”

“Yeah?” I tilted my head. 

Is that surprising?

Why’d you stay home from work?

“He doesn’t share things with people. It’s a little surprising,” Elijah stretched his neck.

“Why’d you stay home from work?,” I blurted out. “Oh fuck — I did not mean to say that out loud. You don’t have to tell me.”

Elijah suddenly smiled and chuckled but as fast as it appeared, it faded. Elijah sat on his bed, “I have something I need to tell you actually. It has to do with today.” 

“Okay…” I said softly. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him look this worried before. He was fidgeting with his thumbs, but he kept his eyes on me. 

“My boss got arrested today for drug trafficking,” Elijah explained. “When the cops appeared I was in his office so they arrested me too.” Elijah paused, staring at me, waiting for a response. “My name did get cleared… and I gave them a statement. They also asked if I could act as a witness on the stand if it goes to court. I’m still not sure if I’m going to do it. I said I’d think about it.”

Elijah didn’t look away from me, it’s like he was waiting for a reaction. 

Is he worried about what I’m thinking?

“Are you okay?” I sat down next to him. “Sounds scary if I’m being honest.”

Elijah furrowed his eyebrows, “I’m okay… It wasn’t that scary.”

“Are you sure? You look scared,” I asked again.

Elijah looked away from me and pinched the bridge of his nose, then I heard a soft laugh. When Elijah looked back at me and it felt like the world around me stopped. He had a massive smile spread across his face. 

“That’s the most logical reason to be scared isn’t it?” He chuckled.

“What?”

“The whole ordeal wasn’t scary,” Elijah sighed. “I was scared to tell you… It’s not like this is the first time this has happened.”

Oh, that’s right. The biggest rumor that followed Elijah around school was that he was running a gang. It didn’t help that he was arrested in school three times. It also doesn’t help that I was one of those assholes that believed it. Now that I think about it, he never actually got in trouble. No fines. No suspension. Nor juvie time.

“You’ve got some bad luck.”

“Right?” Elijah looked annoyed.

“So what’s the plan? Are you going to take the stand?”

“What would you do?”

“I’d take the stand, fuck that guy.” I frowned.

“What if this pulls me into something dangerous?”

“Hmm,” I tapped my chin. “Would you feel guilty if you didn’t take the stand?”

Elijah looked at his wall, you could almost see the gears turning in his head. “I’m not sure yet.”

“You can always decide later,” I shrugged. “Oh, I have a great idea.”

“What is it?”

“Let's go to the movies and arcade tomorrow with Nico. It’s the best way to get your mind off things,” I smiled.

Elijah smiled again, “I’d like that.”

Honestly, I wasn’t expecting Elijah to look so angry about his nephew visiting. Then again, we did wake him up from a nap. When I got home from the library, the door to Elijah’s room was open and he was curled up in his bed sleeping soundly. I’d be basking in how cute he looked if it were his day off, but it’s not. And he wasn’t supposed to be home until later that night.

What happened?

My first thought was maybe he was sick. That is, until Elijah’s boss from the bar sent me a message saying she gave him the day off. Telling me he had a rough day, I immediately left to get food. The best way to fix a bad day is with food and alcohol. Instinctually I got Elijah’s favorite food and beer, it seemed like an unspoken promise between us. When one of us had a bad day, we’d bring our favorite food and drinks home then hang out. But this was different, when I got home I was met with the sight of a teenager standing in front of our apartment. He had long curly hair that covered his face, he held his head down as if he was in trouble. I heard a sniffle and saw him wipe his eyes. 

“Hey,” I called out softly. The kid turned quickly facing me, he gave me a dark glare and stood firmly in front of my door.

“I’m just waiting for my uncle,” the kid stared at me. I wanted to smile but held back. He shared the same green eyes as Elijah… and the same dark glare. That look has to be genetic.

“You’re Elijah’s nephew?”

He stared at me with the continued dark glare, all he had to do was bare his teeth to complete the look.

“I’m Elijah’s roommate.” I held up the keys, “I can let you in.” The kid looked at the pizza box and carton of beer I was holding, then shifted his glare back at me. “Haaa… ok kid. I get your hesitation.” I walked past him and unlocked the door. “Elijah was asleep when I got home. I thought the smell of food might wake him up.”

“That’s his favorite pizza,” the kid nearly growled.

“Yeah that was the point,” I furrowed my brows as I unlocked the door and walked through. I set the beer and pizza on the table, when I turned around the kid was still standing in the doorway.

“You’re that guy that Eli got in a fight with?”

“Uh—”

“You are,” the kid’s gaze continued to get darker. “It’s all your fault.”

“What?”

“You! Ugh!” The kid barged into the apartment and closed the door behind him, “why did you even ask him to live with you? Don’t you hate him? If you don’t, why did you get into a fight with him? How do you know that’s his favorite pizza?”

I don’t understand what’s happening.

There was a long pause after his questions. I scratched the back of my neck nervously, “I needed someone to live with and he was the best option. Elijah felt the same. I don’t hate him. We got into a fight in high school because I was a tool and Elijah was putting me in my place. I know his favorite pizza because it’s his favorite thing to eat when he’s tired.”

The kid squinted at me, studying me very carefully. “I’m Nico,” he reached his hand out and we shook.

“Roan,” I nodded.

“Are you dating my uncle?” Nico raised an eyebrow.

“Not yet,” I answered.

Nico frowned, “yet? What the hell does that mean?”

“Meaning, I’m letting Elijah decide when we are dating,” I smiled. 

“You sound like a loser.”

“That’s so mean,” I sighed dramatically. “How can you say that to your future Uncle-In-Law?”

Nico’s face twisted in disgust, “oh. My. God. Stop. I am not listening to you.”

I laughed, “come on. Sit down. Eat some pizza.”

“No thank you,” Nico growled. “You didn’t even get another choice of pizza.”

“Cause it’s for Elijah.”

“You didn’t get anything for yourself?”

“Uh—” I pulled out plates from our cupboards then set them next to the stove. “—I don’t mind white sauce with pineapple,” I lied.

“You’re a freak,” Nico sighed. He dropped his things onto the floor and fell into a chair, “you’re even eating food you don’t like to make Eli happy?”

“What?” I coughed, “who said I don’t like this pizza? Hey, you need to be quiet. Elijah is still sleeping.”

“God, it’s Eli. Don’t call him Elijah.”

“Why not? Elijah is his name.”

“You aren’t allowed to call his name like that!”

“What the hell is going on here?” Elijah asked, emerging from his bedroom.

“Eli he’s—”

“Shut up, Nico,” Elijah rubbed his eyes. “Be nice to Roan.”

I couldn’t hold back a small smile, “are you okay? I thought you were working.”

“I’ll tell you later,” Elijah said flatly with a frown.

“I want to know!” Nico demanded.

“No,” Elijah sighed, pushing Nico into a seat at the table. “Why are you here? Does your mom know?” Nico avoided eye contact with the both of us as he pushed out his bottom lip. Elijah didn’t give a reaction and pulled out his phone, “fine. I’m calling your mom then.”

“No!” Nico cried out.

“Then tell us why you’re here. And why the fuck are you being so rude to Roan?” Elijah glared at Nico who continued to avoid looking back at Elijah.

“Mom told me to break up with my girlfriend,” Nico suddenly buried his face into his hands. “I don’t want to!”

“The girl you got caught having sex with at school?”

There was a moment of silence but I really couldn’t hold back the laughter. Elijah gave me an annoyed expression but Nico was finally smiling with me.

“Ah,” I cleared my throat. “Sorry.”

“Yeah, that girl,” Nico blushed.

“That girl is getting you into trouble so maybe your mom has a point,” Elijah explained calmly.

“You don’t get it! You wouldn’t,” the dark glare Elijah and Nico were sharing made the air around us heavy. “You’ve never cared about anyone like that.” Elijah remained silent but I saw his jaw clench and his eyes didn’t waver from staring at Nico. The longer he remained silent the more uncomfortable Nico got. “Come on,” Nico stared back. “You think everything is meaningless. So don’t act all high and mighty.”

Elijah’s expression shifted, he looked hurt. My heart ached seeing him with that kind of look in his eyes. Elijah finally broke eye contact with Nico and glanced towards me, almost instantly he looked away.

“Yeah, I guess you’re right,” Elijah sighed. He grabbed a bottle of beer, turned around and headed back to his room, “thanks Roan.” 

I haven’t seen him like this since we parted ways.

I was lying on my mechanic’s creeper looking up at an engine, listening to the others whisper amongst themselves. Something bad was going to happen today. I can feel it in my bones. I felt someone lightly kick my leg. I pushed myself out from under the car and was met with Benny’s face.

“Mr. Hunt is looking for you,” Benny said flatly. I glanced over to my boss glaring at me from the other side of the garage. I nodded, sat up, then wiped my hands of grease and dirt. I felt the eyes of the other mechanics watching me walk over to his office.

“Mr. Hardolssen,” he said in a low voice. 

“Mr. Hunt, how can I help you?”

“Come in,” he gestured me into his office and closed the door. On top of his desk was a package with no address. I held my hands behind my back and glanced around the office, it was a complete mess. It smelled of old coffee and milk, and scattered around the room was food trash.

How can he work like this?

Mr. Hunt put his fingertips on the package and stared at me, “can you deliver this for me to the Port Auto Shop on the coast?”

“No.”

Mr. Hunt blinked in surprise, “Hah. What? Why?”

I glanced over to the package then back to Mr. Hunt, “are you asking me why?” I raised an eyebrow, “really?”

“As your boss I am giving you an instruction. You need to follow it,” Mr. Hunt frowned.

“No I don’t.”

Mr. Hunt scoffed and rubbed his forehead.

Oh, so now he’s getting it.

“You don’t have a permanent job here Mr. Hardolssen. Do you understand what I’m getting at?”

“Yes.”

“So take this package,” Mr. Hunt growled.

“Yeah… no. I’m not doing that,” I said watching as Mr. Hunt’s face turned bright red.

He takes me for an idiot.

“You little—”

“On the ground!” A police officer yelled. I raised my arms instinctively, then watched as my boss tried to make a run for it. Another officer grabbed him by the back of the collar and threw him against the ground and cuffed him. 

“Who are you?” An officer asked me.

“Elijah Hardolssen.”

The officer pulled my arms down, then behind my back and cuffed me as well. I saw Benny try to run up to the office.

“Wait! Wait! Eli isn’t part of this!” Benny yelled.

The officer looked over at me with a frown, “there’s contraband in this office with him. We need to take him down to the station.”

“Don’t worry about it Benny,” I said firmly.

This isn’t even surprising at this point.

They escorted me to the station with only the sound of their radio to fill the silence during the drive. I couldn’t say I wasn’t nervous. Unfortunately you can’t completely trust the justice system. I need to be prepared for the worst. When we arrived at the station I was taken immediately to an interviewing room. They had me sit down at the table and unlocked my cuffs.

“Would you like to contact anyone?” The officer asked me.

“Melanie Gaver,” I answered. “I can give you her number.”

“Miss Gaver is pretty well-known around these parts,” the officer crossed his arms. “Seems you’re well acquainted with a public defender?”

“Yeah, she’s dating my brother,” I blinked at him.

“Oh, well, we did take a look at your record.” 

“That’s not great,” I frowned.

“No it’s not,” he sighed. “I will call Miss Gaver for you.” He turned around and left the room locking it.

Silence was all around me, I could feel my heart beat in my ears. I’m not sure how long I waited but eventually Melanie showed up in the interview room.

“Oh, Eli. How are you sweetheart?” She asked softly, setting her things down on the table.

“Not great,” I frowned.

“We will get you out of here,” she smiled reassuringly.

“I just happened to be there when my boss got arrested…” I paused. I didn’t want to say it aloud but I needed to, “the asshole was trying to get me to deliver some package for him.”

“That’s okay! Because great news,” Melanie pulled out some papers from her briefcase. “They found no evidence against you so all you need to do is give a statement.”

I tapped the table and Melanie stopped what she was doing, “I want to talk to the lead investigator.” 

Melanie tilted her head, “what? Why?”

“Because I’m tired of people tying me to things like this.”

“Your name is already cleared.”

“Not the police. That asshole who tried to get me to deliver his stupid package,” I glared.

“Oh,” Melanie laughed uncomfortably. She slid over a piece of paper and pen, “I’ll go get him. Write out your statement.” I nodded and she left the room.

I was lucky that the police found no evidence against me. I’m also lucky that this group of cops seem to have a sense of moral justice. The statement didn’t take long to write and speaking to the lead investigator was easy. He already had most of the information I gave him but needed something more important.

A testimony.

There are a number of things that could go wrong if I do that, but I also didn’t want to miss my chance to put that asshole of a boss away for using his business like that. I want to pay him back for all the people he just displaced.

I told the police I’d think about giving a testimony, but I’m completely unsure how safe it would be if I did. Surprisingly no one was home when I got there. Roan must have gone to the library to work.

I forgot to tell him what happened. I left all the lights off as I descended into my room, I wrapped myself up in my blanket and stared at the wall blankly. I felt my phone vibrate, on the screen it read Bridgette.

“Hey,” I answered.

“Where are you?”

I let out a heavy sigh, “fuck… I forgot I worked tonight. I’m sorry.”

“You forgot? What’s going on?”

“I got dragged to the police station today, I had to give a statement and all that,” I rubbed my eyes. 

“Police department? Seriously?”

“Yeah, I’ll talk about it later.”

“Stay home and get some rest, Eli.” 

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, I can cover you. Rest up.”

“Thank you, Bridgette.” I heard the other line drop, I let my phone slip out of my hand and onto the floor. I faded into the darkness.

“Dude you are such a loser!” 

My eyes flashed open and I sat up quickly. I could smell food and hear dishes in the kitchen. When I grabbed my phone, the time read 11pm.

“What the…” I whispered to myself. 

“I’m not listening to you!”

The shouting voice sounded familiar. I stepped outside my door and peeked around the corner. In the kitchen was Roan and Nico arguing over the food that sat on the stove. Nico is the eldest son of my sister Cassia. Unlike my other nephews and nieces, Nico is much closer to me in age.

“Be quiet, Elijah is still sleeping,” Roan frowned.

“It’s Eli,” Nico glared. “You aren’t allowed to call him Elijah like that!”

“What the hell is going on?” I asked. Their two eyes were wide and Nico dropped the spoon on the floor.

“Eli! He’s—”

“Shut up Nico,” I rubbed my eyes. “Be nice to Roan.”

“Are you okay?” Roan asked, staring at me intensely. “I thought you were working.”

“I’ll tell you later,” I frowned back at him.

“I want to know!” Nico demanded with a pout.

“No,” I pushed Nico down to sit at the table. “Why are you here?” Nico avoided eye contact with me and pushed out his lower lip.

Roan is pretty clingy, he likes it when I sit in his lap while I game, he’ll hold onto my waist tightly and nuzzle his face into my back. I’ve never liked this kind of attention.

But… Roan smells good and this wasn’t as annoying as I thought it would be.

If I was told in high school that this is how Roan is in a relationship. I would have never believed it.

“What’s wrong?” Roan pulled on my cheeks, “you look sad.”

“Sad?” I asked, Roan nodded firmly.

I looked away from Roan. Telling him I was thinking about our fights would only make him feel bad.

“Not really, sad.” I shrugged. “I’ve got a lot on my mind.”

Roan squeezed my body tightly again and part of me felt guilty. He’s trying so hard and I’m doing nothing.

“Sometimes I think how strange it is that we fought so much in high school,” I explained. Roan remained silent but his grip around me remained.

The last fight we had… it probably replays in his head the way it does in mine.

3 Years Ago

The smell of sweat filled the air in Roan’s room. He had his back to me as he was getting dressed. Roan started working out more when he left for college. It was a nice view. 

“I’ll be back in a month, we can meet up then,” he said in a hollow voice.

“And if I’m seeing someone?” I asked.

He flinched at my question and hesitated, “just tell me then.”

“I don’t think I have to,” I shrugged.

This is all we’ve been. Why should I have to say anything?

“What?” 

“If you don’t hear from me that’s it then?” I stared at him, “right? That’s always been the deal. It wouldn’t be the first time.”

Roan looked at me… He was angry and confused. 

Nothing new. 

He looked at the floor, “that’s right. Sorry.”

Why is he apologizing?

“Why are you planning something so far ahead?” 

Roan looked conflicted. Jealousy should be an obvious indicator, but it’s not surprising he doesn’t know that feeling. I doubt it’s something he’s ever felt. 

“I don’t know, force of habit I guess?” He fumbled with his words. I stood up from his bed and pulled on my clothes.

This isn’t fun anymore.

My heart, it ached. 

“Is something wrong?” Roan asked.

I couldn’t look at him, if I did — I’d give in.

“I can’t do this anymore.”

“What?”

“This is…” I trailed off. “I don’t get why we keep doing this. We don’t like each other. Do this with someone else,” I put on my flannel. 

“Look at me Elijah.”

I kept my back to him, “I’m sick of you.” 

I opened the door and walked out, I heard footsteps following me. Roan grabbed me by the arm, he looked angry and desperate. 

“Seriously?” His eyes suddenly went wide, “why are you acting like such a brat? Saying such pointless things when you’ll just come back to me.”

I felt my heart drop to my stomach.

My mind was blank, I wasn’t sure what I was feeling. 

He’s arrogant.

Impatient.

Rude. 

Selfish. 

I shoved him back. Now, I could look him in the eye. His face fell and he looked shocked. Roan looked pale and was trembling.

I can’t keep doing this. 

“I guess you will find out,” I said calmly. I stepped out of his house and sprinted home. I didn’t greet my family. I ran to my room and locked the door. I fell onto the ground. 

My heart was pounding against my chest, my vision was narrowing. I couldn’t catch my breath and tears poured from my eyes. I covered my mouth and let out a quiet cry. 

This shouldn’t hurt. 

We didn’t have anything special. 

I barely even know him, so why does this hurt so badly? 

Present

That fight broke me in ways I can’t explain. After that, I spent the next two years doing manual labour. It never gave me a chance to run back to him.

I’m sure of it now. I’m scared and I don’t want to say it out loud.

“Are you worried I might go back to my old ways?” Roan asked, resting his chin on my shoulder.

“No,” I answered firmly.

That was the truth.

The reality of the situation?

I’m afraid what will happen to me when we break up. Because I don’t think I was built for this so it will happen.

“Hey,” Roan poked my cheek. His eyes looked slightly sad but were carefully watching me. “I’m the one who is supposed to overthink things,” Roan smiled and I returned it.

“Haaa… I guess I’ve been stuck in the past, and I was the one who said to let it go.”

“I’m still really sorry,” Roan mumbled nuzzling into my back again.

“It’s not your fault,” I sighed, patting his head. “Stop beating yourself up.”

“Then you do the same,” Roan squeezed my waist again. “Besides, you didn’t do anything wrong.”

He still doesn’t see it. I could have ended things so much earlier. I knew it was toxic but continued seeing him anyway. That’s just as bad.

I pissed him off and antagonized him on purpose for years.

“We are both at fault,” I said softly. “We both could have been nicer to each other.”

“Elijah,” Roan said my name so softly it made my stomach feel strange. “Look at me.”

When I turned my head, Roan gently grabbed my chin and pulled me in for a soft kiss. It was short but it still left me speechless. Roan rested his chin back on my shoulder and gave me a devious looking smile.

“I can promise you, the past will absolutely not repeat itself,” Roan affirmed. “I’m not sure if you trust me, but I will do everything I can to prove to you I’m serious.”