365 Blessings

Sleep deprivation is like a boat trying to negotiate fog. Thats how it feels during the daytime when you have to function. Sometimes it's a kayak and you haven't quite got the rhythm and groove of using the oars. You're going hell for leather splashing about as fast as you can, despite not being able to see a metre in front of you - exhausted and frustrated at not getting anywhere fast enough. Sometimes it's a speed boat - and you don’t feel like you’re actively in control of how fast it's going but somehow you're at the steering wheel and just doing your best to direct it through. Other times it’s a gondola ride where someone else is gently pushing it along through the calm waters; it's eerily calm. An iceberg appears out of nowhere - Titanic style - and you are suddenly furious with the gondola driver for putting you in this position as well as yourself for letting him be the captain of your vessel. (I know, I’ve said a mouthful there).

My eldest is 7&1/2, so add in the crap sleep I had towards the end of my pregnancy and it totals a whopping 8 years of being up. Every. Single. Night. I must mention I've had the very much needed help of my mother in law who will happily take the kids overnight so husband and I can catch up on some sleep. And while this is so very much appreciated, it is but a drop in the bucket, nay the ocean, of sleep deprivation that I’m paddling through. While it feels so good to know the night ahead is my own and I have the opportunity to sleep through the night, after years of being up every night, a full night’s sleep is a bit of an enigma. Or a unicorn. Or an enigmatic unicorn.

Your body is now used to being up every night. Multiple times. Your brain invents sounds that mimic your child crying so you wearily rush to your child’s room, eager to soothe them before the racket wakes the other kids - only to find they are not there. Panic ensues, confusion sets in, then the truth dawns - ah, they’re staying with your MIL. Relief. You wander back to bed and are either proper awake now due to the adrenaline of the fictional crisis or you crash. Hopefully the latter. If you’re awake, you attempt Headspace or Calm or another one of those meditation apps that are supposed to help you chill out and drift off. Clearly I haven't practiced for long enough, because my mind wanders and then I get annoyed with myself for not being able to focus on this simple thing. The running to do list is now sprinting. And the worst part is you have this pressure - This Is Your Night Off. Sleeeeeep dammit. 

You wake up from having yet another crap night’s sleep and kick yourself for not making the most of it, annoyed at how your body has adapted to your new normal. Angry that this has become your normal.

If you did manage a miracle Full Night’s Sleep you wake in the morning feeling groggy like you're hungover because your body doesn't process that many hours of sleep strung together in a row anymore - let alone a full night’s sleep. It’s like it’s tried spinach for the first time, ‘Yuck! What is this full night's sleep thing! Are you trying to kill me?!’ while you wearily reason with it ‘Darling, it’s good for you.’ But it's no use, your body doesn't know what to do with it and is grumpy with you for the rest of the day - or until you placate it with coffee. 

With either scenario the silver lining is the morning. Ah the morning. Whether you've slept or not, the morning is something you can control. Unlike mornings with kids, this one is yours. Rather than hurriedly scooping tots out of cots, bundling kids into dressing gowns and preparing three different breakfasts for the three different ravenous mouths - it's the ease of starting the day your way. Slowly. Opening your eyes and noticing that you're in your own bed, not on the floor or the couch or squeezed into a single bed with another body. Noticing the daylight coming in from behind the curtains, rather than the blackness of the dead of night. It’s waking up warm and comfortable, not cold and wrecked. It's quiet, not because someone is drawing on the walls downstairs but because there is genuine peace. It's that moment of knowing you can take care of yourself first. You can enjoy a coffee for its taste rather than skull it back for its caffeine. 

WEEK 20

Day 134. Blazing hot sun. Its winter back home. Enough said.

135. "Yoghurt or ice-cream with your desert, sir?" "Um could we try both?" "Certainly sir."  "And for you ma'am?" "Oh - we were going to share." < perplexed look >

We're learning there is no such thing as 'either' 'or' or 'share' on a cruise ship. The answer is 'both' 'extra' and 'seconds'. And then there's free room service.  136. Watching these guys surf this wave pool. It doesn't look that hard. Ive got fairly good balance. And thats the beauty of it - they make it look easy. I bombed in seconds. But I think I'll give it another go tomorrow - no-one knows me on this cruise ship, I can make an arse of myself if I want to.

137. Most people are at the other end of the boat missing this. We share the sunset with a visible seven, and a whole lot of ocean. Blessed to have so much space to enjoy this. Cabin fever is impossible.

138. The view looking straight up while on my deck chair in St. Maarten. I feel like I'm in a dream. That might be the coconut vanilla rum, but I suspect it's part of an overwhelming sense of blessing. And the rum.

139. Looking for a cheap feed in San Fran, and we find this place just down the road from where we're staying. Ridiculously good food, good prices and some of the nicest guys we've met on this trip. Thank you Burrito Loco! 

WEEK 19

Day 127. Today I got to see masterpieces I studied in Art History class, over ten years ago. Pretty emotional seeing the Picaso that started a whole new era of art. To me, it like witnessing the feminists burning their bras - liberating generations after him. And he painted it so big - not a tentative small piece to test the waters and see wether people would 'agree' with him. Its over 2 metres wide and over 2 metres tall. There's a lot I could learn from Pablo, I bet he was a real interesting fella. He probably would have been pro the whole bra burning thing too.

Day 128. Exploring a city and just happening upon beautiful shops of creative gems. Little surprises are the best.

Day 129. As divine plan would have it, we just happened to be in a city, that was in the NBA playoffs, the night of the game and found cheap with tickets online. Thank you God, you have made a certain basketball fan one happy camper!

Day 130. We've been without a washing machine for a while, its time to get some freshness back in our suitcases. Before we trod across town with heavy bags strung over our shoulders, the hotel receptionist mentioned their in-house laundry - coin operated and 10 steps down the hall, it was a little thing but a big win. Lunch next door while we wait? Lets try grits.

Day 131. Sunset from our boat before we set sail for the Caribbean. I am so very blessed to be here.

Day 132. Having opted for the most modest of drinks packages, we were stoked to find a few happy hour spots onboard our cruise. Make a mean Mojito, you say? At four bucks a pop, I'll take two. And something for Jesse.

WEEK 18

120. I haven't bought new clothes in ages - I need some new ones. Packing for the trip I prep piles for clothes to take with me. Piles. Huge stacks. Maybe I don't really need new clothes. Blessed with what I already have.

121. Goodbye office. Such a good feeling to go away knowing I have a good job to come back to.

122. Arriving in New York and feeling so over excited and nervous and wanting to know if all the stories of crime are really true, and we're greeted by our airbnb hosts Matt and Faith. Aussies living in Brooklyn. And all the concerns melt away like the ice in my gin.

123. Wandering the streets of a city Ive always wanted to visit - dreams coming true today - care of Brooklyn.

124. I love flea markets. This has to be one of the best in the world I reckon (says she, having only been to a few, but clouded by the joy of being there), poring over peoples treasures from lives already lived. I picked up some movable type, a nod to the beauty of the letterpress. Jesse picked up music stars and bubble gum cards of the 80s. Little treasures, little blessings. 

125. I'm not especially into ice hockey, but being here in amongst the fans at Madison Square Garden, it's cool to feel how much a city loves their team. 

WEEK 17

113. Something I can grateful for everyday but its taken me to day 113 to note it in this project. A decent shower. Experience one dribbly, inconsistent scolding then bitterly icy shower and you never take a good one for granted again.

114. Couldn't quite capture this on polaroid. Noticed the massive cross lit up from the top of Mt. Vic - blessed to be in a country that openly celebrates Easter.

115. Cuppa and catch up with the Lu, so good to relax at home and gasbag for a few hours. Blessed to have friendship like this where no matter how long its been we just fit back into comfy flatmates, great mates.

116. With how excited we've been about the new cities we're going to explore, we raced around ours getting the last bits ready for the trip. I do love our city, I'm not expecting to see greener grass - it's pretty damn vibrant here.

117. Easter Bunny bought eggs to Mum and Colins! "I don't know why he keeps delivering them here", mum says. With a mum as cool as mine you can get older but growing up is a decision you can make all on your own.

118. Last week at work! Counting down to a trip is so exciting - I love the anticipation. I feel like a kid again counting down to Christmas.

WEEK 16

106. Easter Bunny visits Wellington Children's Hospital today, I get to see the smiles as they continue to believe in magic a little longer. I'm very pro-magic.

107. Over 100 handmade bunnies made by the community for Wellington Children's. People's hearts are massive, so cool to be part of this.

108. Good Friday: A long walk around Evan's Bay with my love today. Exploring a new part of our home and thinking about what today means. Grateful for His love, even though I cant fully comprehend it. 

109. Making Dad's spaghetti and meatballs (man, Dad has a lot of signature dishes!). I think its cool to have a family recipe passed down generations - you're always connected, long after loved ones are gone. Touch wood that is a long way away yet. Next I'll have to ask Nana to teach me how to make her tomato relish!

110. Looking at maps of NYC and LA getting ready for our trip thats crept up so fast. There are little signs for wheelchair access/elevators in the maps. Walking around a city has to be one of the best ways to see and experience it, and I am able to. Grateful.

111. Easter Monday. Bliss to have a sleep in and then brunch with good friends who will be travelling soon too. Getting more and more excited the more we chat about the trip and get tips from those who've been to where we're headed. Blessed to be able to take this month-long holiday, I have a good boss!

WEEK 15

99. Off out to Petone and the radio takes me back to my Grade III Jazz class. I think every time I hear Simply Red's 'Money's Too Tight (To Mention)' Ill get a compelling urge to get to a corner of the room for split leaps. A little difficult in the car today though... but I did drive a little faster.

100. Family visits a loved one in ICU. Finding the hospital's grand piano, an uncle sits to play while others gather to sing. Music has such an amazing ability to unite people, especially in hard times. Feeling blessed I got to see this beautiful moment today.

101. We got this lush Llama blanket as a wedding gift from two great friends - Tashi, Becs - thank you! We use it all the time - you know Wellington, your gift has kept us cozy for over 2 years now :)

102. Spending the weekend with Dad - he shows us how to prepare one of his special roasts and how to make his famous Apple Pie. There is something about making food together, everyone mucking in. Food is love, and I feel the love here with Dad, Steph, Nana, Jesse, and my cool little bros.

103. Autumn in Masterton, Dad's drive covered in leaves. I know they make the place a mess, get stuck in car windscreen wipers and take ages to clean up but before you see all the work in them you have to see all God's work in them.

104. Civic Video is closing down! Sad. On the plus side though, we'll save a fortune on dvds and hopefully less time in front of the box zoned out, watching something rubbish for the heck of it. Here's to more intentional viewing!

WEEK 14

92. Twilight photography with Jesse trying to do as much as we can before we lose the light. While I love my polaroid the DSLR is a whole other level, and Jesse's mastering it. Grateful for this camera and for his help. Always so encouraging, especially with the creative stuff.

93. I love making these. A little project required one and I remembered how much I enjoy making mood boards. Rediscovering things is a blessing - must make more of these.

94. Two ginger cats greeting us this morning. Love dogs - but it would be unfair to get one at the moment, he'd go stir crazy in our little flat with us often not at home. In the mean time so cool to get visits form these two.

95. Good morning 3am! Wide awake - I must've got used to these late nights and early mornings so 5 hours sleep is now the norm and all my body will allow. Always wishing for more hours in the day so since 3am Ive tidied the place up, washed the dishes, and done some exercise. That's one productive Saturday morning! (if you can call it 'morning'!)

96. A little reminder today of all the things this amazing man does for me, and us.  Reminded not to take it for granted. Been so caught up in a busy week and now at the end of it Ive had a chance to look up and catch my breath and he's there. He's always there, and I feel his support more than ever. Huge blessing. 

97. I love this city with its cool hidden gems. Found this installation 'I love at the edge of the universe, like everybody else' - we're all as isolated as we want to be.

WEEK 13

85. As far as trips to the dentist go this was my best experience ever (bar the check ups at primary school when the dental nurse made you a bumble bee necklace made out of cotton wool and dental floss. Nothing beats those).

Thanks to good genes - I didn't have braces growing up, no plates or serious fillings. Heard today that your teeth are the gateway to your health. Blessed that my gateways are robust!

86. Absolute satisfaction in feeding good homemade food to someone you love. Theres a reason why family dinner time is so important, people show their love with food and feel love with those enjoying it.

87. Just one other girl and me for our Friday Zumba class. Being dorks, wiggling around, neither one of us facing the same direction, and with a class of no majority we both figured we were doing it wrong and right simultaneously. Didn't really matter, we had no peers or audience. Had more fun in this class of two than a full one - thank you Elsa, our instructor who, with your charming broken english, made it made it all about the feel - what ever direction that took us in.

88. One of over 20,000 people at the Stadium tonight for the Warriors game. Grateful for these free tickets and great seats!

89. I'm not big on technology. Give me a pen and paper over a screen and keyboard any day. I do appreciate this machine though, our beautiful mac. I'll forever be team Apple - this thing is capable of so much. It's even kind enough to forgive my analogue preference and lets me scan stuff in. There's a lot to be said for good tools that help you share your stuff and reach the world.

90. Undertaking a project this week, being obedient to a calling. Seems like good positioning of this poster, 'Be Bold, Be Brave' on the door to the office space. I'd like to be remembered as a bold and brave person; but that's another project I'm working on. Either way the reminder is well positioned and encouraging.

WEEK 12

78. Only Jesse would know how much I'd love a card like this. Blessing to have someone know me this well.

79. Found this tiny skateboard on my way home. It's ridiculous, I couldn't fit both my feet on it and I'm a smallish size 7. Got my imagination wandering... I pictured this skateboard's owner to be 6 foot tall, gliding down Adelaide Road this mini board under one of his feet. Made me giggle, inventing a story for this toy.

80. Pockets of blue sky coming home. Focussing on these pockets rather than the clouds. Glass half full.

81. Day dreaming about holidays and all the places we could go, things to do and see. Adrianna and Johnny gave us our first American dollars and the day dream became real. They sit on our dresser as we count the days down :)

82. When I woke up this morning I knew there would be loads of blessings and moments of gratitude ahead today. I had too many blessings to count today so I'll go with this one, the first one. Waking up knowing the day ahead would be filled with them, and choosing to see them before they appear.

83. Driving home from work listening to a new found favourite song, the hills following the sun and I noticed how calm I felt. Shouldered lowered, breathing slower than usual. I stress too much and I'm charging ahead too often, but not today in this drive. Mental note to listen to this song more if it has this effect on me.

WEEK 11

71. My birthday! The big two-nine! Another year on this earth, I'm grateful. This year is going to be the best yet.

72. Working late tonight in solitude, and I noticed the smallest flamingo known to man resting near me. Not alone at work afterall.

73. Girls night!! These gorgeous girls, each propping one another up for all the yuck and nasty they've been told by others and themselves. So much beauty and fragility in one room.

74. Cant taste much, this flu has got me beat. Cue the lemon honey ginger drink! Cuts through to the tastebuds and ever so slightly burns my throat as it settles in my stomach - doing it's thing, killing the cold. I should try one of these when I'm well, it would be a totally different experience.

75. There was supposed to be a big storm today. Instead there has been lazy rain, falling straight and gentle and justifying my quiet day of sleep and movies at home.

76. If you ever want to feel needed adopt a stray. But first make sure he really is a stray... otherwise things could get awkward. This guy definitely has a home, but still likes to meet me at my kitchen window some mornings. Love his visits, even if it is a little freaky sometimes. And I get the pleasure of having a cat, but without the allergies. Win.

WEEK 10

64. Today I bumped into a friend who shared what they had gone through and it gave me hope. I see a lot of sad stuff working in a hospital. Bumping into this particular person on this particular day, to have this particular conversation has to have been divinely orchestrated. 65. I got to walk around with Hospi and give out free cake to visitors, patients and staff. People cant help but smile when you approach them with a giant cartoon-like lion offering free birthday cake. 'Welcome to Wellington Hospital, its our birthday! Have some cake!' Happy people make me happy :)

66. Reunited with this beautiful family tonight, staying for the weekend - awesome to have a captured few days together. Been so excited to meet my new nephew too - tonight he had a snooze on my shoulder, so trusting of my arms around him.

67. If you want to see the world fresh again hang out with an 18 month old. Just one of the many reasons my gorgeous godson is a blessing - his view of the world.

68. Love this family I married into. When I met Jesse and we started planning a life together I also got to be part of his family - these people are cooler than I could have ever chosen. It's funny, some of my biggest blessings are the most unexpected and unplanned.

Had an awesome chat with my now not-so-new sis today. Skype is great but there's something about standing next to a loved one and talking about things big and small that you feel the warmth of them and that they genuinely care. Got a deeper understanding of what it means to be welcomed into a family today, quite emotional. Feel so blessed by these guys, and their big open hearts.

69. I am grateful for anticipation, especially when it's a surprise. Taken out for dinner and a surprise show tonight, for Jesse and my birthdays. Seated at the St James waiting for a show of some sort to start, and it was amazing. 'Beyond the Human Circus'. To be gifted an experience is often much more meaningful than things - loved this time with family tonight.

WEEK 9

57. Lunch out at Spruce Goose, overlooking Lyall Bay. I'm blessed to live in a place where the beach isn't far - it never is when you live in New Zealand. There are parts of middle America where the ocean is hours and hours away; living there you could go your whole life without ever seeing the sea. Being a Kiwi I just can't wrap my mind around the idea of being land locked. We watched the surfers hover around, waiting for a wave and I thought about the luxury of having a wave to wait for.

58. Ever since I first saw the movie Beethoven I wanted a dog just like him. Today I met 'Bernie' the Saint Bernard. He's the worthy mascot of a cafe down on the waterfront. Although the freshly made juice was easily the best I've tasted, the coffee comes with free mini chocolates and the service and location is lovely, I'll be coming back for Bernie. In a non dog-napping way.

59. A nine hour drive up the country, watching the picture out my passenger window change from sea to mountains to desert. Sometimes the only mark of civilisation was the fences dividing fields and powerlines linking land. Grateful to have grown up in a place of space, where it's not over populated to the point of crammed vertical living, with people stacked up like Jenga.

60. Gutted I forgot my polaroid at this wedding! So here is a pic of their creative cute invites, that will remain on our fridge a while yet.

Blessed to be witness to love and people promising their lives to eachother. I got to see two awesome people do that today.

61. Carwash! I haven't been through one of these since I was a kid and it all came rushing back to me - the bushy muppet-like propellers thumping your roof, the mini soap storm surrounding your car, the sensation of drifting forward followed by the driver's urgent pull for the already activated handbrake. (The smug giggles of passengers who would've done the same thing in the drivers seat).

I figure that if you're finding something mundane really cool then just revel in it because most things become stale and boring at some point. Why rush it. I thought I'd reached that point with carwashes - turns out I'm not quite there yet. There's still some amusement to be wrung out of them before they become just a method to get the car clean. Bring on the next soap storm!

62. It's Frankie Day! My fave mag used to come out once a month, then they made it every two (either that or the more I liked it the longer it felt before the next issue came out!) I'm pretty excited when it appears in the newsstand in all its crafty, quirky, matte paper glory. I mean, look at it - sticks out like a sore thumb amongst the other glossies, because it's not screaming for your attention, it's whispering. Ever experienced someone whispering to you? Pulls you in faster than screaming, that's for sure. 

WEEK 8

50. Blue sky today. It's been beaming at me all day, but it's not until now that I notice it. Thank you for your persistence.

51. So grateful to have met this lovely pair, Wellington will not be the same without them. Sad to see them go, but feel blessed to have had them here for so long. We'll have a lot to catch up on with all your adventures this year, come December. 

52. Tough week so far. Been reading this poster. No Other Name. Phillippians 2:9. Very encouraging. Having this above our bed is a good reminder - to start the day and to end it. And as I've been in and out of bed at unusual times all week, I've had this reminder a lot. Must have needed it.

53. It's always darkest before the dawn. My dawn came this evening, and it was glorious.

54. We went for a drive north to see where the road would take us. It took us to Raumati Beach, where we watched these kite surfers carve up and down the shore. Some kids stopped to watch too and were as amazed as I was, just a little more vocal. "Faaaaar!"

55. It's been a late summer, but February has been perfect for BBQs. Blessed to be in a position where we can buy a nice cut of steak on days like this, and share good food with my love. Some people aren't as fortunate as this, to have good food, let alone have someone you love to share it with. 

56. It is our second wedding anniversary today! This spot in the sun was the perfect place to spend lunchtime together. I feel blessed to have such an amazing husband, someone I can totally relax with and be myself. I remember on our wedding day thinking that I couldn't possibly love him any more than I did in that moment, at our wedding. Somehow my capacity has changed and looking back I realise how much more I love him today. Two years ago, I didn't think that was possible.

I underestimated the joy sharing my life with someone could bring, and the privilege I feel that he chose to share his with me. 

WEEK 7

43. Spent some time with some great people tonight, I'm really blessed by these friendships. When you find people like these, it doesn't really matter what the plan is for the night because everyone is in.

44. Spotify, you grant me an audio mirror. And tonight it's reflecting Pharrell, Happy.  

45. I wandered into Jesse's work tonight to a little private concert - took me a moment or two before I realised it was for me! Jesse played acoustic and sang to me with his backup dancer co-workers stepping and clicking in time. I was a blushing mushy girl and swooned for the entire song, looking like an absolute goober groupie. Nice to meet you, new workmates! He also spent his entire lunchtime making a chocolate dipped strawberry bouquet for me. Extraordinary man, very memorable Valentines Day.

46. Headed out to Petone for breakfast and hit their annual market! Way cooler than bacon and eggs - we shared a pulled pork bun, caramel crepe, dumplings and whitebait fritter. So yummy, so full, so regret the whitebait fritter. Food is a blessing.

47. Tough day. So I read a few of the blessings I'd already experienced and written about, and I felt blessed by them all over again. This project has many purposes, but I did not anticipate the power/affect it might have on improving a day like today, yet it has. 

48. The cicadas are out in force all of a sudden, and the sound, combined with the smell of sunscreen is something else. Experiencing both simultaneously is somehow more than the sum of it's parts. It makes me feel home, deep in my bones or prompts a memory that I cant quite put my finger on. At some point 'home' became a idea not a place, and for some reason these two things together are part of that idea.