Behaviour modification is my absolute biggest kink, but it’s one that most people don’t know much about or think of as an independent kink. It combines my love for submission, my studies in the field of psychology, and the on-going process of making myself a better human being.

Before I jump into the way this works as a kink, I find it’s important to first understand behaviourism as an academic subject.

The field of psychology is often divided among people who study different models. There are cognitive psychologists, for example, who study the way the brain and the human mind work to create perceptions of the world around us. For the purpose of this resource, we will be focusing on behaviourists–that is, people who study human behaviour, as it is observable and measurable by external sources. 

Behavioural psychology is utilized for a range of different things. It is often used in therapies with patients who suffer from anxiety, conduct problems, or phobias, and it is also combined with cognitive psychology for people with depression, bipolar disorder, and certain personality disorders.

Behaviourism seeks to use scientifically-supported evidence in order to change one’s negative behaviour to a more desired one. This is most often achieved through the power of operant conditioning. Operant conditioning is the supported theory that behaviours can be modified by providing reinforcement and punishments. 

There are two types of rewards and punishments: positive and negative. While most people will think of “postivie” and “negative” meaning “good” and “bad” it actually refers to whether something is added to the situation or taken away. For example, let’s say a submissive is working on their manners and the way they address their Dominant.

Positive Reinforcement: The submissive is polite and cheerful in addressing their Dominant by their title on a given day. The Dominant treats the submissive with a scene of their choice that night. This reinforces the behaviour because the submissive will associate getting their way with being more polite.

Negative Reinforcement: The submissive is punished with orgasm denial for bad behaviour earlier in the week but has been doing much better. As a reward, the Dominant shortens the number of days without orgasm. This reinforces the submissive because they will associate less undesired events as a result of good behaviour.

Positive Punishment: The submissive has a bad day and speaks rudely to their Dominant. As a result, the submissive is spanked. This associates a (painful) punishment with acting out, and the submissive learns to avoid rude behaviour, as a result. 

Note: I personally don’t like to use pain as a punishment, because it isn’t especially effective, especially for masochists.

Negative Punishment: The submissive slips up and forgets to refer to their Dominant by their title. As a result, the Dominant refuses the submissive an orgasm that night during their scene. This is discussed and the submissive makes the association between not getting their way with bad behaviour, and seeks to change that.

Now, this concept of a submissive trying to learn how to properly address their Dominant is just one example of a behaviour one can modify. Everyone in BDSM has different kinks, limits, and personal goals, so this example may not be something everyone can relate to. However, the behaviour modification kink can be used to change any behaviour, sexual or not. Here are some more examples on things you can use behaviour modification for:

Performance during scenes.

Quitting a habit (smoking, drinking, biting nails).

Performance in school or at work.

Overcoming a mental health problem. (Note that this can be used with stable submissives seeking to help themselves more in addition to therapy and/or medication. This should not be the sole method of treatment with people suffering from severe mental health problems.)

Body-image issues/self-worth issues.

Etiquette training.

Diet/exercise.

Kink-specific training (clothing restriction, speech restriction, orgasm restriction).

It is important to keep in mind that, like everything else in a healthy D/s relationship, behaviour modification is consensual. This means you cannot modify your submissive’s behaviour unless they want that modification. The idea of modification should be discussed in great detail before being agreed upon by both/all parties involved. Safewords are still active, even in this long-term kink. Any party may safeword to end the modification, and proper aftercare should be given to assure everyone is okay with modifcation ending as it is.

Once you and your partner(s) decide on a behaviour you want to modify, you come up with a basic plan. Here are some additional ideas to get you started:

Consider having the submissive make a blog or write in a journal each day about their progress in this modification. Read it daily and have frequent discussions on how they’re doing.

Come up with a set of daily tasks, one month at a time. Go over the list before the month begins and get approval that all is within limits. Each day, the submissive will perform the task. Missed tasks result in punishment, while especially well-done tasks can have rewards to them. Add in little “special” reward days to keep them motivated and give them a little break now and then.

Have weekly meetings about progress, going over what is done, what needs to be done, what should be changed, etc. Everyone should be enjoying the experience.

Set up a token economy. Token economies work by rewarding the submissive with a chip or a home-made form of currency. These can be exchanged for special rewards like new toys or privileges at the end of each week.

Try to keep tasks, punishments, and rewards centered around the behaviour you’re modifying. Keeping everything in theme will help the submissive be more goal-oriented.

Here are some basic ideas for rewards and punishments you can alter to fit your exact modification:

Reinforcement/Rewards

Orgasms!

Choice of activities in a scene.

Massage/pampering.

Candy.

Home-cooked date night.

New sex toy.

Trip to an event they would enjoy.

Taking away chores.

Lessening punishments set ahead of time.

More freedom where there are set restrictions.

Cuddles, kisses, and general affection.

Punishments

Writing lines (begin with a low number and increase the number of lines for repeat offenders).

Orgasm denial.

Chores.

New restrictions (clothing restriction, bedtime, orgasm restriction, etc).

Loss of privileges.

Time-out.

Humiliation (keep limits in mind).

This should be useful for those starting off with behaviour modification. There’s much more you can do, as everything can be personalized to you and you partner(s)’ specific kinks and limits, as well as the behaviour modified. If you have additional questions/comments/concerns, feel free to contact me here. Good luck!

American women have found it necessary to discipline their husbands since the days of the pioneers. Men are easily tempted. A good, sound spanking helps them focus their energies on the right things.

Oh, dear! This is interesting!

Now that you understand the underlying principles of Domestic Discipline and the ways it helps you, your husband, and your marriage, let’s get to the fun part: the specific things you can and should do to him.

When I say fun, I mean it! This should be great fun for you, and you should indulge yourself in the rush of power you feel as you take control of your husband’s submissive side. This is important because if you don’t allow yourself to experience the pleasure of all this, you are cheating yourself for no reason.

As women we are taught to avoid looking as if we want or enjoy power. Women who use power are often portrayed as “bitches” in the media. Women fear being labeled “bossy.” This is the time to throw off those chains and let that inner “bitch” come through. Indulge that desire to control things. There’s no reason not to. Your husband needs a wife who can be very “bossy” when she needs to be. As your husband sees that you enjoy your newfound control, he will be more turned on by you and will be more uncertain as to the lengths you will go to enforce your dominance. That is exactly what you want!

The Milieu of Domestic Discipline

The atmosphere you create on that wonderful day or night when you initiate him into his new submissive role is important. You need to be sure that your privacy is secure for at least a few hours. If you have kids, arrange for them to be somewhere else or arrange for the two of you to get away from home to a private place. It is nice for this to happen at home so you can have a few chores for him to do later. You will have already determined that your husband is willing to submit. For more on that subject, see the “How will I know?” section of this site.

Tell your husband ahead of time, and with a serious tone, that you need to have an important talk with him and that you have set this time aside for that purpose. You will have determined the behaviors for which you are going to chastise him and the rules you are going to impose. Depending upon the time of day and what only you know about your husband’s body, you may want to have him take a shower before you begin. You don’t want your enjoyment of this experience to be diminished by an offensive body odor.

As you begin the lecture phase, take his face in your hand and hold him by the chin and cheeks. Look directly in his eyes. Insist that he looks at you. This gesture sets the tone by establishing your dominance. Once you have gained his attention this way, begin the lecture. During this phase it is best to maintain the tone of an old-fashioned scolding, the kind our grandmothers and great-grandmothers really knew how to dish out.

Gestures that should be used generously during the lecture phase are the index finger pointed at his face and the hands-on-hips posture. It is best if you are able to look down on him as you scold him. If your husband is taller than you are, command him to get on his knees for the lecture. That way you are well above him, either standing or sitting in a normal chair. You should address him as you would like to address a bratty child. Your facial expression, tone of voice and language should be scathing.

If it is not in your nature to talk this way, think of it as role-play. That is what it really is anyway. It is fun sometimes to step outside of your everyday personality. If there is a part of you that resonates with the severity of the old-fashioned schoolmarm type, let it out and enjoy your ability to express that part of yourself freely.

It is here that you list his offenses. List them directly to him and make him acknowledge each one and express his remorse. Tell him that you think he needs to be punished for these behaviors and take his face in your hand again and ask him if he agrees. He will!

Start with a minor punishment. This may be something that relates well to his offenses, such as a mouth-soaping for behaviors that involve what goes into or comes out of his mouth, such as bad language, temper tantrums, overeating, smoking, or abuse of alcohol. Or make him write an apologetic statement 100 times or more with paper and pen for offenses that involve poor manners or disrespect toward you.

Be creative. He will probably comply without much rebellion, but you’ll want to make it clear that any resistance during this phase of the punishment will only “make it worse” for him later…

Next it is time for the main event—The Spanking. You can read “My Story” for a description of the milieu I created for my husband’s first spanking or, better yet, you can visit The Disciplinary Wives Club and go to the section “Tips and Methods.” At DWC Tips and Methods you will find information about milieu, attitude, implements and other information relating specifically to the punishment/spanking aspect of Domestic Discipline. I repeat: This is a must-visit site.

As you spank your husband, your tone of voice can change a little. As your actions become more harsh, your tone of voice can become softer and more understanding. Your husband will, at some point, beg you to stop spanking him. This point will help you determine how long to continue the spanking. If the offense for which he is being punished is relatively mild, consider the point at which he has begun to beg in earnest as the ¾ mark. (It is a good idea to keep count of your strokes. You can count in your head, count out loud, or have him count out loud.)

If his behavior has been moderately reprehensible, let the point of earnest begging signal your halfway point. If his behavior has been really bad, let the point of earnest begging mark your ¼ point. He will struggle during the spanking, but if you make even modest efforts to restrain him and keep him over your lap, he will not get up until you have permitted him. Even though he may be physically stronger than you, if the tone is set properly he will be in a submissive frame of mind and will not use his full strength to get away. When I am truly disciplining my husband I don’t like to end the spanking until he is actually crying. That’s when I know I’ve really reached him, that the lesson has hit home. It also fosters a beautiful intimacy between us. Men do no openly cry in front of others often. When his punishment makes him cry, it completes his vulnerability with me.

The most enjoyable part of the disciplinary session for many women is the period immediately following the spanking. At this point he is as submissive as a lapdog. He is often crying, is begging you for your forgiveness, and is usually on his knees. Now is the time you can be gentle with him. You can accept his apologies tenderly and reinforce the lessons he’s learned with a softer tone of voice. We all have our own vocabulary for this time of forgiveness just as we all have our own way of administering a scolding. I find that asking him if he has learned his lesson, what he has learned, and extracting promises regarding future behaviors are good ways to start the reconciliation phase of correction. Remind him that it was his behavior that got him into this situation and that you do not punish unless he deserves it. Warn him that you will not hesitate to punish him again when his behavior warrant it.

After you have accepted his apology, he may think the scene is over. It is good to add a little to the punishment to let him know that while he has won your forgiveness, he has not gained any power. There are a number of things you can do now. Have him stand in the corner for a while. He is not to move and definitely not to touch his buttocks during corner time. He will want to use his hands to cool his buttocks. You’ll want to forbid that. If he does it once, give him a warning. If he does it again, give him a slap across his buttocks. At this point, your bare hand can give an excruciating sting.

Instead of corner time, you can give him chores to do if you are at home. You can either keep him naked for the chores or let him wear an apron or something else that is open in the back. You don’t want any soothing cloth against the skin of his butt at this time. Whether he is doing corner time or chores, you’ll want to maintain visual access to him to be sure that he is not trying to cool his butt. You can sit somewhere with your cup of tea or glass of wine and read or watch TV or whatever, so long as you can give him an occasional glance and he knows that you can see him…

To Be Continued

I’m hesitant to say this over text, but in a way it may be good, because I can get out my thoughts a lot better through text than I can through speech. This is going to upset you. I don’t want it to, and I’m sorry for that, but I’ve been hard pressed to think of how to bring this up for the past few days without hurting your feelings.

I can’t do the Domme/sub thing anymore. I can’t do the controlling nature, the tasks, the having to ask for permission for everything, the expectation of being better than I really am.

I can’t take worrying about whether you’re upset or mad from me missing a text, or a word, or forgetting some small thing that I did in the day.

I can’t change this much. I thought it would be okay with it, but I’m not. I thought I could handle all of your expectations, requirements, control, and I simply can’t. It’s so incredibly stressful and I can’t do it.

I’m sorry.

I lay on top of her, she’s satisfied, basking in the glow of her orgasm. Her nails had dug deep into my cheeks, signaling that she was coming. Her pussy contracted and squeezed my cock, pushing me over the edge. I had filled her to the brim, but it hadn’t been permitted.

I hold her in my arms, our bodies resting together. My cock is still buried deep inside her. Her nails which had dug into me now gently caress my back. I nuzzle her and kiss her neck tenderly. I sigh, enjoying the moment.

I feel her legs spread a little wider. She lifts the covers up letting cool air slip under the sheets. Her other hand runs up my back, over the back of my neck and her fingers weave into my hair.

Her hand on my head hesitates for a second, and then gently, but firmly pushes downwards. I know my place. Who am I to disagree?

Our bodies slide apart as I feel myself slip out of her. My head disappears under the covers she’s holding up for me. Her hand guides my head between her legs.

I lay on top of her, she’s satisfied, basking in the glow of her orgasm. Her nails had dug deep into my cheeks, signaling that she was coming. Her pussy contracted and squeezed my cock, pushing me over the edge. I had filled her to the brim, but it hadn’t been permitted.

I hold her in my arms, our bodies resting together. My cock is still buried deep inside her. Her nails which had dug into me now gently caress my back. I nuzzle her and kiss her neck tenderly. I sigh, enjoying the moment.

I feel her legs spread a little wider. She lifts the covers up letting cool air slip under the sheets. Her other hand runs up my back, over the back of my neck and her fingers weave into my hair.

Her hand on my head hesitates for a second, and then gently, but firmly pushes downwards. I know my place. Who am I to disagree?

Our bodies slide apart as I feel myself slip out of her. My head disappears under the covers she’s holding up for me. Her hand guides my head between her legs.