Witches temple

Once, while driving in the procession for my cousins funeral (he was military) us siblings were deep in our feels and expressing it and my dad told us to stop crying.

Ever since i have not felt safe to cry much less bawl in front of him or other people.

Holding that shit it has never felt healthy but that moment has inhibited that perfectly normal emotional expression.

I wish no one any of that. I wish everyone the ability and safety to mourn loudly and for as long as they want and need. I hope someone will be there to hold them together so they can fall completely apart. Sometimes we have to shatter to start healing.

i have thought about the day i lose my cat Loki. And it is not pretty.

I know i will have to go somewhere away from everyone so i can fall apart without being shamed or told “he was just a cat” (preemptive fuck you btw).

So that i can kick and scream my soul raw and pound my hands on the ground till theyre bloody bc thats what it will take to get the pain away enough to function.

All the while, knowing my grief will be lonely. Those shattered pieces harder to heal as no one will be there to be my brace.

——————————————————————————————-You gave them a fucking timeline? Are you bat shit or just ignorant? And you didn’t even TELL THEM there was a timeline? Are you sociopathic? In what world did you think this was a good thing? A kind thing? A supportive and loving thing?

Because it was NONE of those things.

The only thing it is, is to showcase that your “love and support” is conditional. That you are people who don’t actually care about them, but only how having them as family reflects on YOU.

This is about ego. About your need to have a “perfect (looking) life”. So you can brag and show off and gain whatever it is you think you need. It’s about you and your need to feel superior. To feel in control. To be dominant. Do be more important.

It is ALWAYS harder to dig yourself out than to dig the hole. It is going to take a lot LONGER, to dig out then to dig down.

But what do you know about that? You’ve barely had to deal with any financial, physical, mental or emotional adversity. So what do you know about it?

In fact i know more about those things than any of you. I *actually* know what fibromyalgia is and how serious it is and how different it can be from one person to the next. Learning about it from one or two sources does NOT equate to knowing what it is. Learning about it via a MEDICAL FUCKING TEXTBOOK is more valid than that by a long yard.

Every thing you’ve done and said have been based on assumptions. Made with the bias that you have *against* your own kin.

You know nothing. You have your heads so far up your own asses, you can see the top of that stick you’ve shoved up there.

In fact YOU ALL have failed THEM since the meeting in many ways that actually count.

Where has this love and support you said you hold for them been?

Oh right. 1. Its conditional. 2. You’re low contact so you don’t HAVE to show any actual interest in their well being.

You abandoned them after giving your ultimatums and expected SUCCESS AFTER SIX FUCKING MONTHS!?!?!?!?! Thats insane! A therapist would call you toxic and in need of more therapy to remember what its like to have actual empathy.

Because you’re all the “victims” in your growing narrative.

Seems more like you just want to set them up to fail. For all the reasons I’ve already mentioned; which all just simplify down to ego.

Loving and supportive people do not do this to loved ones.

You are not safe people.

You are not good people.

You don’t celebrate people.

You are not kind people.

You are not supportive people.

You use people. And you dangle your children in front of others like a carrot on a stick. ***You should NEVER use children to get people to do what you want them to, no matter what the intentions are.*** Shame on you. And yes, i do understand that i am unlikely to see my nieces and nephew again; but i hope they know i love them to pieces, and i will miss them with a sharpness that cuts deep. But you set the terms. And they are shitty terms.

You cause drama. We are not pawns for your self gratification. We are not tools or paintings to show off to people and make you look good. You have the expectations of entitled spoiled people, and no matter what we do, it will never be enough for you. Your bar moves.

Im disappointed, heartbroken, and angry.