jennifer elizabeth

They should make hollow, fragile sugar candies exactly the size and shape of a lightbulb to safely satisfy the body’s natural need to eat lightbulbs whole

My cringe fucking baby and her derivative drivel

i just feel strongly that work shouldnt be the Main Activity of five days out of the week

during my dissertation proposal hearing one of my advisors said "I think you might have been too harsh in your criticism of this theory" and I genuinely, innocently asked "what makes you say that?" and he said "well on page 27 you used the phrase 'should be consigned wholesale to the dustbin of history'" and I was like oh. yeah I guess I did that. fair

job interviewer: would you be willing to destroy and betray yourself for nothing?

job interviewer: (reading the room) would you be willing to destroy and betray yourself for a pizza party?

Betrayed and backstabbed by your scheming evil advisor? Psch. Skill issue. Absolute amateur problem. Just hire two of them and reward them for snitching on each other. Just make sure that neither of them is gay or they'll just end up hate-fucking each other and fucking you over all the same.

"hire two evil advisors but make sure neither of them is gay" are you hearing yourself right now. be serious

Polycules should be able to trade people like sports teams do

Listen -- you're a good defender and your pussy is fantastic, but that's not what our team needs right now. We're trading you to Greater Boston in exchange for someone who has a car.

I bought a timer lock box for my weed pen. I will be high in 7 days and 1 minute

cradling the em dash in my hands what the fuck have they done to you

as a child i assumed that martha’s vineyard was a fancy private vineyard owned by martha stewart and the reason rich people vacationed there was because they were friends with martha

gift shopping for younger cousins is so scary like I want to be cool. but not seem clingy. or seem distant. but I want them to know that I care about them so so much and I am always here if they need someone to talk to. and also we only see each other like once a year. but I held them when they were babies and saw them grow up and I Want Them To Know I Care So So Much,

how do I let this middle schooler know id die for them on a $20 budget

therapypilled deadbeat father: I really don't have the headspace for custody right now

I think if I heard I Gotta Feeling by The Black Eyed Peas in the correct circumstances it could move me to tears. It's like the promise of a brighter future that never came to pass

like to be clear i enjoy many things that are bad. but if they were bad and big, that would be a problem. a bad show/film/book is inoffensive to me. a bad show/film/book that is being given endless accolades makes me feel like there's women in my yellow wallpaper

Kill all Meta glasses wearers