some insights on lyf

I have plans to write poems which might help me ease this quarantine anxiety, since apparently using my degenerate brain would make me occupied. No mistake, I have a day job but after that I'll have my usual repetitive sched of playing any game that will pique my interest. Most of the time I'm playing ML with my cousins, sometimes Bannerlord, and Dota if a friend invites me.

I thought I'd thrive in this Quarantine setup but I was wrong. Its sad, but I realized I need physical interaction from time to time. Being alone with my own thoughts is taxing. Being alone while our country staying in its shithole is demoralizing.

I need rest.

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Tartarus has risen behest the gods orders.

Eyes flaring, armor glistening, sweeping for murder.

With lambs crying, babes wailing, and slaves jostling, disaster is at hand.

Pesky is the Cupid acting to be in a Myrmidon band.

Surely, "love conquers all" is but a flowery lie.

Tartarus has risen and the gods are pleased.

all i need is one song to, you know, raise up my spirits. and its a song!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0vT9IZOwtWQ

this is a song of Angels and Airwaves called The Moon-Atomic. the song is so full of pretentious imagery of moon looking at earth’s shitfuckery. but even with those cliche stuff, the song was so good it made me feel and see things.

so you see, my creative side died when i failed to find inspiration. my no. 1 drive for writing is emotions. for a sampler, i made a post that is full of mixed emotions. https://jeffxjustin.tumblr.com/post/153071470425/exorbitant. its about my first direct witness of a person whom i described as a “black hole.” other than that, most of my poems are emotion-driven. my BEST poem was emotion-driven. without that intense drive of emotion, i am nothing but a dirtbag in front of pc. so, yup thnx u tom delonge for giving me the boost that i need???

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i checked all my posts here and almost all are real trash, ngl. however i still fancy to check them from time to time, to remind me what ive become-- from that incel stage to a guy with no drive to do stuff (still trash). guess what improved is how i write, how i articulate the stuff i want to tell, and obv my own approach to specific kinds of stuff (YES i was once a shitty incel, being “the righteous” and that knightly stuff.) might be better overall, and its fine i think.

contemplating on some 2018 stuff, here are the thoughts i wanna share:

1. i think its common sense that when u spread righteous acts but not practicing such tenets is hypocrisy.

2. i find it stupidly amazing when ppl act in a bitter manner when in fact, they know themselves they're on the wrong side.

3. justifying stupid acts with more stupidity is plain....stupid.

4. general context matters. small things are still subject to normative and ethical premises.

5. its nice to think highly of urself but don't overdo it. ur making urself blind of other things. the world doesn't revolve around u.

6. running away doesn't solve problems. duh

7. fulfillment does not automatically translate to self-improvement.

im planning to post a recap of my 2018 but will come later maybe lol

tasteless brigandine

tassets

helm

gold spurs

silver hilt

iron visor

tablecloth cape

common lines matter like the cliche concept of 'everyday is a sunny day' bec its a concept that every people may relate with. also,

twelve papers have been used

in cleaning the tin cans that aren't that rusty.

twelve times, tested and tried

listening

unstable echoes rip through the lines

along the thread

maybe situation demands a new cord

one that is thicker and stronger

is the weather fine? did rain tamper telephone lines again? i dont't know

jk

tastefully offensive

when the mask falls off

and they see the decaying skin

of the degenerate they thought a freak

which saw everything

without lifting a finger

and the blackhole was ever present

as if no deity can destroy it

-----unit f7 suddenly stopped-----

meet unit 07 with master unit 01 // what’s up why ur not moving again // the gaze was lost and the eyes were lifeless // yet it stared on me and a smile was forced // that’s it, fuck everything // he threw everything except for some personal belongings // and sat on the rough soil // i asked why are u so fed up nothing has happened yet // to which he countered that’s the fucking point // nothing has happened and nothing is new and nothing will change //

he said he tried everything already, means he tried surpassing his limits // what limits, men aren't limited don’t thing silly stuff // don’t ever comment such shit when ur never experienced this setup ffs // and don’t try to fucking argue bec we r not the same, everything is easy for u bec thats u and im not me when i act just to fucking fit // but nothing has happened yet // no observable retraction has seen yet why do you act as if u know things 

he sighed and got a parcel on his pocket. it contains several papers about the mission. i was dumbfounded. everything was impossible from the start. 

where did you get this // i told u, didnt i // i get to know things without lifting a finger // blame the people u involve with me // this is the seventh one //  ironic isnt it

i sat down with him, and lit a cigar

everything’s a joke.

we stared at the map

and tore it

because we don’t need it anymore

good gracious magandang gabi mga kapitan tano. sumpang putangina para sa lahat ng litaw at di-litaw diyan kaway-kaway kayo!

-

maputik ang daan. magaslaw ang pagtahak ng pudpod na bota sa madilim na gubat. liwanag ng mga kulisap ang tanging ilaw niyang naliligaw. malamig ang buga ng makapal na ulap.

nagdaan na ang maraming parang ngunit hindi pa 'din siya sigurado kung makararating sa paroroonan. ni hindi niya alam kung parte pa ito ng parang na ginawa ng kaniyang kasama bago lumisan at tumahak sa kabilang bayan.

ni hindi niya alam kung totoo ba siyang may kasama o pinaglalaruan lamang ng gubat ang kanyang isip. ngunit tuloy-tuloy ang paglakad at pagbangon sa bawat talisod na bunga ng makakapal na sanga at halaman.

masigla ang kislap ng mga kulisap. lumilitaw na ulit ang buwan na kanina lamang ay tinatago ng mga ulap. nagbigay ilaw ang liwanag ng buwan sa isang maliit na daan. sinundan ito ng naliligaw.

fast forward, and on.

the poison slowly kills,

but the main event

is still in concoction.

i never believed it to be

the one that would end

the miserable hundred streak.

but i will do it otherwise,

without the pushovers

(like the past ones).

we are sick of going

through the covers of forests,

forever hitting the targets

with indirect fire.

in the end, the battery

will never be enough.

the vanguard, composed of men

trembling with fear and uncertainty,

will charge head on.

they won't care for their lives anymore.

after all,

this would be the last of the last.

the general's final order(?)

and the first of the first

direct ground assault

that will commence,

ASAP.

lots of unused tanks r stacked in the factory, waiting to be used. these were the latest state-of-the art ones, but now it looks shit. i pussied out again and so the artillery division got overused again. the fucking frustration is really real. maybe we wont be using these monsters anymore, or so i thought.

first and last charge, i guess. the first tank battle will be happening, soon. we wish for the effectivity of the decayed units

quite big, the altar of the gods. each seat was customized according to one's preference. at the middle stood a huge fireplace, hestia's eternal flame. the fire's a bit different from the normal, as it burned pinkish red. the floor's made of cobblestones that fit perfectly. you can clearly see the stars and the constellations above.

i greeted the twelve giants, grinning.

"sup, friends."

they roared in laughter. except artemis and athena, who gave me a grim, sad expression.

i sat down. "don't worry about me. i told you everything would go as i'd say."

zeus fiddled his thunderbolt. the smell of ozone spread across the throne room. "my boy, if you want we can have you here. why waste your talent on nonsense things?"

artemis glared at zeus. "let him do what he want, father. we should not interfere with the musings of the mortals. and fyi, that thing isnt nonsense!"

"that's true!" aphrodite giggled. "this guy's weird but he understands his thing. commendable of you, eh? i'm starting to like you."

hera shrugs. "heh. why do you side with him, artemis? is that because of your personal insecurities?"

"shut up hag. tell that to your cheating husband!"

"hey!"

i sighed. these guys never change do they? "guys, stop. i just went here to drop by. i know you may like or not things as of now but we, as gods, can't even tamper fate."

hephaestus glances at his deformed body. "fuck fate."

"i second that. do you want me to make you a poem about fate?"

"shut up apollo"

i glanced at my phone. its almost 12am already. "that's it friends. as much as i want to have a conversation with you, i still need to get my shit together. i got to do 2 concept papers and some shit of things. don't worry though, i'll visit you guys again."

the gods transformed into their human form. each of one gave me a tap/hug. ares and athena says that they support my wars. artemis is supportive of my scoutings. demeter and hera each gave some motherhood statements. hephaestus gave me tips on how to do the seat plan with perfect measurements. poseidon says i should get a bath twice a day. hades, who went all the way from the underworld just to see me says that he's fond of the existential crisis memes that i share from time to time. apollo gave me new ideas for the annual folio launch of layb, and hermes gave me tips on how to travel in a batshit weather. dionysus says he loves my karaoke time with orgmates and should go out more and drink. zeus gave advice about sex and encourages me to have one already. hestia smiled from the distance.

go ahead, type a post

yea. the clouds r noticed to be thickening and the winds are starting to get wild. means weather's starting to get bad. hope rains won't come until i go back to lb wc is around sat or sun (most prolly sat afternoon).

just so u kno, i h8 rains more than everyone (even tho my birthchart is kind of aqua dominated lols) anw bad weather is pretty off bec its a fucking hindrance.

spoiler alert

tbh i was surprised with the spike of serious arcs. season 1 was character building. twas shit tbh since it was initially the troll of all trolls(still loved it tho). season 2-4 is great bec it surpassed the season 1 greatly, being able to make 2-3 episode arc and breaking the notion that the anime has no storyline. season 5 up to latest started to get more and more serious since they are nearing the main conflict of the story. and it was excellent bec they didnt lose their traditional troll nature (wth they r even inserting gags in the middle of the fight!). one thing that's off for me is that they insert flashbacks in the middle of the fights. its a pain in the ass since u cant enjoy it well. although the flashbacks were necessary, they could be fitted elsewhere. removing the flashbacks would make any fight fitting for the best anime fights. gintoki vs takasugi is one hell of a duel between the finest swordsmen of edo (theyre like, the best of best). katsura vs shokaku on the other hand, is really great too. he removed the veil of a 'runaway' and a 'weakling' amongst the shoyo students.

it was great how the four joi comrades were portrayed and their significance pointed on the latter seasons: gintoki is their ace (titled shiroyasha or white demon bec he's a fucking killing machine) takasugi has a special army (he leads the elite kiheitai), katsura has a way of preserving troops (he got the name 'runaway kotarou' because of his strategic retreats; points out that it is justifiable for generals to be the greatest cowards in the battlefield) and sakamoto being their supplier of arms (total idiot but he's a really great trader, supplying the rebels with weapons during the joui war).

overall the theme that sprouts from every episode is to protect what's dear to you. they were consistent on that specific theme and surprisingly coherent on the latter series, given that gintama is a troll anime. while gintoki is a neutral guy, he eventually solves everything that is a threat to his friends and is obvious of taking a side. he emphasizes that we need to live our lives to the fullest despite setbacks. he embodies it as someone who lost everything (he's an orphan, his teacher got killed, lost numerous comrades etc). he has the option to take revenge like takasugi (who's the most bitter one as he intends to destroy anything related to shoyo's death: bakufu and tendoshu). he did not but instead built relationships on which he can live and laugh with. he's friends with moderate rebels, the elite, special police force of edo, etc (even the shogun himself). he doesn't care on any ideals, as long as people are happy and satisfied. gintoki values life, and he finds the meaning to live through protecting what's dear to him. i love this particular quote wc says: "if u have enuf time to fantasize abt ur death, why dont u live it beautifully till the end?" mahboi's hope is always there. while some people finds this thing ridiculous, he encourages everyone to find meaning to their life, how stupid it may be.

maybe its stupid, but in actual he contributes to the reformation of his country, from the shackles of the aliens (tendoshu). the bakufu (their govt ruled by a shogun) was only a puppet and it can be seen here that the shogun himself is actually good, since he tries to know the commoners' way of life. he sneaks out of the palace, disguises himself and tries to blend with the common folk. in his final moments, he rose up to battle the real enemies (gets assassinated after tho wc is very saddening). gintoki, along with his former joui comrades, rose to arms in order to protect their homeland. one thing that the people value most is their freedom, as they do not want any invaders on their lands. gintoki and friends knows this, and has the mission now to liberate their homeland fr any oppressors who'd hinder that freedom they wanted for so long.

ahaha people get sad when they predict like wtf dude dont expect something magical when u predict lol

i see a shift of winds. mmmh this is different from the xmas and new year shift so im expecting something weird on the next few days ooor maybe it'll only last for a couple of days. we dont know ofc bec winds are the most unpredictable ones sooo yep ;)

u see, wind and weather are one of the most important aspects of warfare esp during the middle ages and post mid age. imagine if the winds didnt favor william the conqueror. most likely he'd lose vs harold. muddy tracks created by rains are highly important esp when cavalry is involved (british longbows won bec of this on agincourt) and so on. it is a huge factor and can turn the tides.

1. dalwa lang ang pagpipiliang pizza: hawaiian at four cheese. i dont mind the four cheese, masarap sya. kaso di ko gusto yung hawaiian. that means im stuck sa four cheese. at anong problema sa pagkain ng paulit ulit? mauumay ka. pero problema padin naman ang dalawang flavors since mauumay ka padin so yep.

2. unli softdrinks. anong problema sa unli softdrinks? mabigat sa tiyan. pag mabigat sa tiyan, hindi ka makakakain ng madami. goodluck wobble gobble. u can prompt to hav water naman kaso nakakapanghinayang na hindi mag avail ng unli drinks bec part sya ng binayaran mo and as much as possible ayaw mo masayang ang binayad mo.

3. aalukin ka ng paulit ulit. minsan ayaw mo tumanggi sa pressure kaya as much as possible uubusin mo yung pagkain mo. dahil dyan, mabilis kang mabubusog. jiji

4. hindi effective ang interval eating para masulit ang 2-hr unli pizza. designed ang pizza ng yellowcab na maconsume as much as possible (means di masarap pag malamig na) so u'd be prompted to eat it habang di pa sya lumalamig.

5. bakit 299 lang ang price? pansin nyo ba na dalawang flavors lang yung offered? means na hindi ito patok sa tao. of course pag di mataas ang demand sa produkto bababa ang presyo nito para mabili. edi sana nag shakeys kanalang nag enjoy kapa.

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una sa lahat, di ka kagad marxista kung tibak ka. (eh pano yun di ba tibaks are leftists??!?!?) okay lemme critique u folks a bit

1. nakapagbasa ka na ba ng communist manifesto, manuscripts, capital, essays nya, etc? naintindihan mo naman ba if ever nabasa mo? at nag agree ka naman ba? if yes then ok. if not then u got probs. mamaya inaanunsyo mo na marxista ka pero di mo maexplain ang labor theory of value. haha

2. nakuha mo ba ba yung required EDs? if yes, hav u considered na ang EDs ay maoist/leninist in nature? mej malayo na sa marxism but in spirit naman nag aadhere padin sya (cant rly tell). isipin mong mabuti kung maoista ka ba talaga o marxista. but do understand na may mga EDs na marxist naman. at least do understand them, and how they work.

3. lagi bang class struggle ang gamit mong argument sa isang issue? lagi bang economic base over superstructure ang analysis mo? edi yari tayo dyan. hindi economic determinist si marx. pakatandaan mo yan. may structuralist nature ang marxism pero hindi sarado sa ibang pagtingin si marx. (patama sa analysis nyo sa mental health issue haha)