Eternal Wanderer

I still search your name. The pain is still there, but it’s nothing like the pain of losing you. The pain that I know we can never be together. We’ll always be trapped in time, no matter how many years pass. I may never know what love is... but I know that I could have done a better job at being in love with you. I should have made you stay- not by force or coercion... but through love and dedication.

I’ve been coming to grips with the rest of my life, lately. What would it take to be the man I want to be? I think mostly about the sex and my ability to stay faithful to my mate. A woman like Megan will be strong with me for years to come- to hurt her would be a sin.

I know I’ve done this before.Put the cart before the horse, let my heart take control. I’m excited and scared- she COULD be the one. COULD. That thought alone is enough to flip that fight or flight routine in my head. I thought I was going to live a life of bachelorhood, floating between young pop tarts, sleeping late and taking naps. But then I meet another Megan and she’s so much like the first Megan. That’s not a bad thing, I tell her, if asked about similarities, “you’re the Megan I was meant to be with!” I spent nearly a decade with MRL, and she’s proven to be one of the only constants in my life. But I never felt for her the way I do for this Megan.... I try to talk about my marriage as positive, yet always doomed. We had built a good relationship together, but it wasn’t one I felt comfortable being in and I, in turn, made it uncomfortable for Megan to be in and for others to accept. I pushed boundaries and lowered my own self value to match the lowered expectations which had been set for me. After it was over, I missed her tenderness and the care she showed for me. Care which she still gives to this day, despite being with someone else. I wonder how she feels about me- I think it’s probably the same way I feel about her. We could have made it work, but we didn’t and we are both 100% OK with the decision we made. I want the new Meg in my life to understand that the old Meg brought the best out of me, and I’ve kept her in my life because she continues to bring the best out in me. I’ll always care for MRL, we may not have succeeded as lovers, but we were great best friends. 

Having a hard time moving forward. Spinning wheels in the mud. Wasting gas. Looking back out the window at mud spitting out from behind my rear tires. Even if I were to break free- what would be direction be? 

I thought that through it all you’d at least send me a text or email wishing me a happy birthday. For all the times I told you to leave me alone, I still made sure I texted you on your day. And I think it meant a lot to you because I was the only one who remembered. Your fuck buddy forgot. The boy who had spent so many nights inside of you all year long couldn’t be bothered to even say “Happy Birthday” to you. My heart was still crying out for you and as hard as I wanted to move on from what we had- I knew I should just say it anyways, because I wanted it to be true. I wanted you to have a happy birthday even if it meant I’d be sad thinking about how much I missed you. Even though I assumed you’d probably be spending the night in the arms of another man, and not with me, I wanted you to be happy. The best part of my birthday this year was that I didn’t need to hear from you or anyone else. I used to be sad not hearing from Justine, but then when I met you I realized I didn’t need to hear from her. All those times you kept texting me when I told you not to, I believe were entirely self serving- to make you feel better. It was never about me... you needed me, I was on your mind and you needed to talk... If it had ever been about you caring about me and hoping I was doing well, you would have dropped a line- but you didn’t. Fortunately, I wasn’t crying my birthday away wondering why I was so alone. This isn’t some drunk text telling you to fuck off and that I hate you. I’m not depressed or angry. I was lucky enough to be in NYC with someone who has shown me incredible kindness and patience and a selflessness that come with being in a loving relationship. There was a time when I was with you, when what happened with Justine didn’t matter. When I accepted the past and let love die. While it’s been a while since I’ve been “in love” with you, I have loved you deeply from afar, keeping even the dimmest of candles lit for you. But the night is over, dawn has come and with it a new light. I don’t need a candle anymore, I have the Sun <3