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Anytime I think I’m making progress,

I’m held back by my own hinderance

Whether thinking, is this right, is this wrong

Should I even fight to be strong

... or should I just sing a song

Wrong Yes. Yes you fight ..

Yes you fight to suppress that hindering mess

You can only do your best, every situation is a quest.

Trying to get out of your own mind, yet can’t find the time in mind

Knowing your overwhelming

But to who? YOU

You are overwhelming your self because of what’s in mind but can’t find the time

Time to get out of your head and relax but can’t see past the facts

Why am I overwhelmed

The life I have is nothing to look past

What’s going on with me lasts

This thing that lasts - how to you let go if you don’t know

Are you a different person, every second or so? Or do I handle everything different also depending on the mood.

Trying, trying to understand what I’m doing wrong.

Good Morning, Good Night

Doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result, something out of sight.

Trying to test the day, are you waking up okay?

First thing you see, something that requires huff ...

How can I possibly turn that? When my presence is not enough

Poke you, no

A hand through your line of vision, no that will only cause some tension ..

Just get up and walk away but the day is already a stray

I’ve got to get it back today.

Not trying to be in the way. But I have a question .. do I ask it anyway?

Knowing that it will result in dismay, either way

Instead, let’s share the day - we’ll be together anyway

Failed; independence over dependence together unless it’s eminent

Family walk one in front others in the back, every time it’s always a fact.

Independent or Dependent how do they walk as one unit.

Someone who is okay with what is, and another who wants more.

Just need to be alone; to learn how to do it alone.

Then may the independent and independent will walk as one unit.

Don’t know what the problem is - so just leaving all alone.

Knowing this problem is hurting one more than other

Not knowing if there’s a problem, when clearly there’s a problem. Not knowing the problem

When there’s one unit and understanding things are great, but separate things are not.

Say there’s not problem, but act like there is a problem.

Don’t say there’s a problem but there’s definitely a problem.

Silence, not speaking - seeing what the fuck when even intervening.

There’s a larger problem coming

What, what, what, what

Afraid of asking a question?

Why be afraid to make a suggestion?

knowing that it’s going to cause some type of oppression.

Is it fear of rejection?

Mood change to learn a lesson.Ask what’s going on with you, never a discussion.

try then fail, fail the try, try then fail what’s the tale.

Are we even supposed to be able to tell?

Thank you for your time.

Oh you want a piece of this red velvet cake?

How dare you rub your hands across my plate?

Did I tell you can can get a taste?

I’m know you’ve ate many of, well similar, these cakes.

Fuck your sly words this isn’t a debate.

This cake has been created with a magical recipe that you haven’t ate.

Don’t you see, the ingredients to a wonderful cake is every woman’s specialty. I must protect it with passion.

In a fine fashion, created with love and shine

So divine Fragile and Sweet with a craving to eat

With a glisten that swells with attention

My recipe is specialty that comes from some where within. let’s see what in:

With adventure through a river that only a number can travel to,

As I come familiar with the paths of what tastes best for me and you.

So how dare you think you can have a piece of my delicious cake,

It’s mine, so who’s to tell me who to give it to.

Mind you manners, to this attribute I’ll look pass

But next time, you’ve try to pass your hands on my red velvet I’m going to kick your ass.

Dark Timing , Needing , Envying

it’s lack of understanding 

Misunderstanding it’s Communicating 

Mis communicating it’s Disagreeing 

Not communicating it’s Avoidance Conditioning 

Silently Silencing

Conditioning; Growing; Forming

Unspeakable it’s FEELING

Impossible it’s FEELING

Missing it’s Isolating 

Searching it’s Doubting 

Silently Walking, Paving, Reaching, Stacking, Calling ....

 -ting - Darkening -ting - Blacking -ting-

it’s FALLING - ting -

-bling- stilling .............. glimmering ............ it’s Lighting

Light Timing, 

Acknowledging it’s Fulfilling. 

Searching it’s Communicating 

Enlightening it’s Agreeing

Opening

Seeking it’s Understanding

Giving it’s Timing

Acknowledging it’s Presence Presenting

Loving it’s Entitling

Simply Grasping , Embracing, Extending,  Blemishing

Forever BUILDING, Forever BONDING

LOVE. 

Thinking ...

Trying to remember. 

Trying to comprehend where we went wrong. 

What happened?

Was I in the wrong sibling trend?

Why so dark, Why so mean?

Is it because of what I had seen?

- but what could that have beeen? 

We argued all the time 

      - really it should have been a crime

I remember the time, when I watched  scissors 

- almost cut my timeline  

But nevermind, we always had other things in store. 

Whether it was:

Jumping on coaches until we couldn’t anymore 

Or building forts until mom knock knocked down the door.

For me, I didn’t see an issue

- didn’t ever really need a tissue

But what I didn’t realize - you were ALWAYS holding a needle and thread 

to FIX OUR ISSUE

To FIX WHAT I was turning into.

You never got the fabric materials or supplies

-Because I never did open my eyes. 

Naive and blind - even now ...

Why so dark, why so mean? Are we keen to our being?

I didn’t even realize what I was being, when responding I didn’t know the meaning.

Always longing to be apart of thee

     You and Me closely 

           So many years have past 

What and how can we be? 

We know what we want,

       We know what we are

To reach for the stars and go far 

— but theirs so many scars

So alike but so different 

           And all we want to do is see the indifference. 

What can I gain from your pain,

When trying to sustain a/an ___ without pain

What can I gain from your pain,

When trying to lift up a/an ___ where everyone may gain

What can I gain from your pain,

When living a lie makes all close eyes, no lie

What can I gain from your pain

When happiness wants to be present, yet it feels inconvenient, be happy

What can I gain from your pain

If I question if what I feel, is it valid pain

What can I gain from your pain

When walking in the darkness creates blindness, doubt

What can I gain from your pain

Darkness - Fearful - Illogical - Irrational

What can I gain from your pain

If I can’t see my self in the reflection

I can’t see you, you can’t see me

am I sane —— are we?

Trying to find the way back - but the pathway is black —-

——— what can I gain

-JeanLewisCade

Maybe if you didn’t hate yourself so much maybe you would be able to see that anit shit about you.

Is it never about you? Is it just you who hates you?

Do you even know what love is? What true love is??

Maybe it’s because you don’t love you? Does that mean you are pushing away? You don’t mean too.

Making assumptions and accusations in your head based off of the darkness in your mind and what you have read.

But it doesn’t feel like it an incorrect feeling at the time.

Then right on the dime, you wasted your time.

Trying to make sense of how you feel, expressing and feeling wrong for real?

Laying flat ... trying to go around this and that?

You investigate to avoid every possible argument

not trying to irritate just speak facts?

You feel that every time you open your mouth there’s an arguement brewing?

Why do you never feel valid in what your pursuing?

Questioning what your seeing - are you tripping..

Don’t want to apologize for how you feel but you can apologize for how you handled the deal.

How do you handle it better next time when when every time you open your mouth it’s an argument- a misunderstanding- a miscommunication - a your stupid for how you feel?

Are you stupid for how you feel - no - then why do you feel that way?

Where do this ideas stem from - what make you feel unwanted and unloved feeling?

Now that what’s done is done - what happens next?

is it still you, will it always be?

If you feel your presence is a nuisance go somewhere where you don’t

My Sweet Love

On an top of something so soft so sweet with a hunger to eat, With a beat

SO hard yet sings so silently

Listen closely, firmly, intentionally

Hold you while pushing away slowly

Motions movingly up, down, left, right, beyond knowingly

The sight of the unknowing, trusting to let go of me.

Falling between, the cracks Pushing, shoving, screaming,

eyes wondering, eyes watering

Hearts Calling, hearts racing

Hearts tumbling, hearts fumbling

Don’t know what’s become of this —- this me

_____ showing all of me, a theme far from me

Only to hem and encompass to be all of me

____ no matter how big small short or tall

Unsure of it all Yet I have never left me

Where are you?

I miss my YOU, where can you be. 

I can’t see you but you’re right in front of me. 

Reaching out but cannot enclasp

What is blocking my line of vision, what can I not get grasp.

This image I cannot penetrate, evaluate, or envisage

Wanting to enclasp you, embrace you,  snogging you as our relationship ages

Your bonding beddable large brown lens enveloping my heart; 

Too instead, I read a contest to start

Pinprick mermaid,

Ignorant and Deaf

Doesn’t understand anything I say, even if I leave it to rest

Annoyance of my presence because you have so much to do

I dont want you to repeat your self 

but I cant help I haven’t heard you, 

I dont know what you want, but I want to help you

Relieve you of your stress, 

but seems I’m the cause of the restlessness

I want to know what you want, I want to do the right thing

But if you don’t care about anything - I fail to follow your being.

Repeating the feeling, encompassing the uncertainty

Being, following, following, being .. why? Now

Being certain to live just for me - selfishly, unapologetically, lovingly yet, just for me. 

Knock Knock, 

I know you’re there - its a new day, I’m trying to be aware

Peaking through, wondering if it’s all clear - did I skip a step, did I find it?

 I wonder if you’re still there?

My mother has always had a huge influence in my life. She is a beautiful woman of God, confident, smart and I’ve always admired that. Growing up, she always worked hard to take care of my brother and me. She did her best to take care of all our needs and wants – I don’t know how but she always made a way, and I looked up to her because of it.

She and I were basically inseparable. I didn’t have many friends, but she was always my best friend. It’s not that I couldn’t make friends I just didn’t have the desire or need to have any. I didn’t really like going out much. My mom usually kept to herself and I guess I learned that from her. We would always go out together; watch tv - normally it would be HGTV and DIY networks - to movies, get our nails done, shopping, window shopping just to spend quality time together. Doing what she thought was best played an important role in my life. Her values and ideas were always important to her and to me. As I was raised in a Godly household, mom would always speak about God, and the importance of living a righteous life. I listened, I heard every word. I always held it dear to my heart, it was always just easier to hear than to act on it. She always told me that I would need to get to know him for myself. She didn’t pressure me to live the moral life, yet she still guided and helped me build my path. I was very appreciative of that.

Making her a proud mother was always my main goal. Seeing that she was always stressed and worried about something, I’ve always wanted to be someone that she didn’t have to worry about. I wanted to be the “perfect angel”. I had suppressed all my emotions and feelings to do just that. To do things that I thought were right according to her. I started to lose myself, and didn’t understand what it was I liked, what I wanted. Thinking now, I actually never found myself. It wasn’t until later in life that I truly figured that I didn’t allow myself to get to know me. I didn’t know what I was interested in, not to mention what I wanted to do as a career.