Jazzie

My dance school is pretty famous under dance people. The kids that dance there are so good. They’re also so popular. Some of them get millions of views on Tiktok.

I attended a workshop last week. I fully expected it to be an annoying class, and I would sit it out after trying and failing to follow along. For some reason I picked up all of the choreography??

Another hurdle is stress. I’m super scared of the owner of the school. Whenever I see his face in the room I blank completely. I don’t know why but for some reason he filmed the entire thing and I remembered all of the choreography more or less??

Then the kid in front of me went ahead and posted his video on his socials with me in the background. I was SO scared people would mock me. I kept an eye on the comments for a few days but no one said anything about me. I felt so relieved.

This is such a mind blowing concept. Of course I see a million things I would do better next time. But to actually be standing there in an advanced class and doing well for my standards without blacking out even once has been my absolute dream for years.

My little boy has graduated elementary school!!! How time flies!!!! I really can't comprehend that he isn't a toddler anymore, his hands and feet are larger than mine, and he will be on his way to adulthood soon. How is that even possible???

We had a couple of days of festivities. All sixth year students had to do a big end of year project. C chose computers as his theme. He made a cardboard computer with old parts D had laying around. And then all kids had to do a presentation.

There were 24 kids so the event took ages. The teacher had encouraged the kids not to do a simple powerpoint presentation, but to think out of the box instead. Most of the kids did a simple powerpoint presentation lol. C's presentation was near the end of the show.

C's teacher had told me that she had convinced him to do a stand-up comedy act about computers. C is SUPER funny, but he is also SUPER shy. He didn't share any of his act with us beforehand. I never saw him practice. I thought he was going to be all cute and stuttery like all of the other kids, trying to finish as quickly as possible just from sheer nerves.

Well, he got to the stage and started FIRING one joke after the other!!!! He used proper intonation, had a loud voice, and just WENT for it! He had the entire audience rolling!! We couldn't believe what we were seeing hahahaha. It was SO out of character!! Such a surprise!!! After the event he got mobbed by parents and teachers all asking him to send them tickets to his first real show. His face was bright red all night haha. He was amazing.

It's such a wonderful ending to his time at this school. Every single one of his teachers has always encouraged him to show them more of his personality. He always showed some growth and they were always looking forward to the next chapter. He made sure the final chapter ended with a bang, showing all of his true colors. It couldn't have ended better.

S turned 9 this weekend. He is by far the coolest 9 year old I’ve ever seen. He’s either butt naked or dressed in all black. His favorite band used to be Tool but now Fontaines DC is his number one. He listens to his discman at school to help him cope when he’s overwhelmed. D has a note in his phone and every once in a while S makes him add a new song to put on his next CD.

He’s the best in the kitchen. He whips up anything in just a couple of minutes. In true adhd fashion he camps next to the oven so he doesn’t forget about whatever he’s baking. He often makes his own creations as well. We always pretend we like them 😆

He’s always thinking and pondering. He can be staring into nothingness for 10 minutes and then ask the most unhinged questions. He loves asking questions. He loves knowing things. He knows a lot.

He’s the most creative kid you’ve ever seen. He will make anything out of nothing. If he’s off school and we have to work he will just spend the day rummaging around. Stealing some things from the kitchen, making any type of witches brew, digging a hole, drilling, sawing, hammering anything. He’s always busy with something, always while listening to the Harry Potter audiobooks on repeat.

His time at school hasn’t been the easiest this year, which makes it easier to see his adhd and autism as mere hindrances. They do fully make him into the wonderful child he is though.

8 was the year he was diagnosed. Right now he is so self aware. He knows his boundaries, knows when things are too much, knows when he needs to take deep breaths. This year he has learned to voice all of that as well, and if he can’t he will grab a piece of paper and write or draw whatever’s bothering him. I’m so so proud of him.

This morning D got up saying “well that was quite the thunderstorm am I right?” He was 100% sarcastic. He had slept right through the entire ordeal, and was mocking the government which had shut down half the country the night before.

I told him it did storm. He said that couldn’t be true because our patio was completely dry. I told him I filmed the insane lightning, he said “well that’s just lightning, that’s not rain”. I said “Well it did rain!!! And there was a ton of wind!!!” He looked at me like I was insane.

They tested his reading skills again and he has drastically improved this year. "Thanks to your efforts", the teacher said.

And then there's T. T is another kid from S's class that I've taken under my wings for reading time every morning. T is the truest ADHD child you've ever seen. He cannot sit still nor keep his mouth shut for even one second. BUT me and S both like his personality. He's funny, he has a very natural way of getting S out of his shell, and he's at least somewhat coachable. Mind you, this school year there have been plenty of days where I felt like crying after reading time. Very chaotic, stress levels very high.

At the end of May I came to the point that I had to tell T that he either 1. had to behave or 2. I couldn't do reading time with him anymore because he was upsetting S with his behavior. Since then he has been a true angel (albeit one with ADHD) and I really started enjoying the reading time with the 3 of us.

Last week the principal stopped me saying they had tested T's reading levels as well, and it's increased dramatically as well, and again it was all thanks to my efforts. She also thanked me and said that it was so valuable that I got him out of the teachers' hands for 30 minutes every day.

This morning T said that over the past year we kind of became family to him.

S hasn't had more than a handful of playdates in his entire life because he hates them with a passion, but next Saturday he will be having a playdate with T.

I feel like it's been such a struggle this year and I've felt so sad, lonely and burnt out through the entire process, and now at the end of the school year I'm finally seeing the fruit of my efforts and it's so wonderful.

I also stopped fighting my time at school. It feels like such a part of my day now. I spend an hour there, help S and whoever else I can, then head home. I wouldn't change it honestly. I'm so happy S has been happy and confident this past week. I really hope it lasts.

C is a whole other story. He's been thriving all year. He's graduating primary school!!!! He's such a happy and fun kid!!!! I'm so excited for the next part of his life!!!!

I found an old stereoscope at the flea market in France the other week. I was so giddy about finding one, it's probably from the early 1900s and it just exudes the deepest history vibes. I'm constantly fantasizing about who it belonged to and who has looked through it in its lifetime.

If you don't know I have a little history lesson for you. Stereoscopes were very popular in the late 1800s/early 1900s when photography started getting more mainstream. They're basically VR-headsets avant la lettre, big boxes with a hole to put stereographs in, which are cards with 2 photos next to each other taken at a slightly different angle. When you watch them in the stereoscope, you see one image in vivid 3D. It works exactly like the View Masters we used to have as kids!

This was a huge form of entertainment back then. Lots of people had one at home and collected the little stereo cards. It was the first time people could actually see exotic destinations in such vivid detail. There were lots of romantic picture stories as well lol.

So in France at the flea market I bought the stereoscope but they didn't have any stereocards to put in them. Back home while cleaning the 100 years of soot off of it I found out that this thing has the EXACT same dimensions as my phone screen. So instead of shoving a card in the back, I just put my phone in the back, and it worked PERFECTLY.

I've been Googling and watching old cards which is so fun!!! But then I wondered if there was any way to make the photos myself. This morning I found an app and now I've been making stereo pictures all morning. I love modern technology so much. Instead of having to find me some stereocards at the next flea market I now get instant gratification!! Lol.

I was really starting to see red and just storming towards the biggest crashdown in history.

The situation with S kept either getting worse or staying equally as awful, which affected about everything in the rest of my daily life. I kept looking for solutions for S for next school year but there just didn't seem to be any. He doesn't want to go to school. He doesn't want to try a different school (very hard pass that one). He wants to be homeschooled but I feel like mentally I won't be able to carry that on my own while working as well. I was stuck in this endless brainstorming loop all the time that lead to no results. It was so tiring and disheartening.

This week I did one last Google deep dive and I discovered there's a special curriculum for kids who struggle at school where they go to school only X amount of days and stay at home the rest of the time. It was like an epiphany. I asked S if he would be open for it and he would. So I asked for a parent teacher conference, which happened yesterday. School was very supportive as well and they're fully willing to let him do that. In two weeks we're meeting again to go over the details (what days he will be going etc.)

We went to la douce France for the extended weekend. C picked the trip as a gift for his communion. He chose such a good place. There was exactly the right combination of forest, water, and lovely architecture. The highlight of the trip was when we found out there were Invaders there, which we have been collecting for a while now! Right now we have scanned them in 4 locations: Brussels, Djerba, London, New York and Fontainebleau. I really love that for us lol.

Even though the trip was fun it was also way too hot and I was a completely overstimulated mess by the end of it.

It actually threw me back to Canada and how I felt back then. I had these moments of feeling trapped there. There was no escaping D and the kids. Everyone was on each other's lip all the time, which is great when you're having fun but not so great when you really need some alone time.

It made me think about homeschooling and having S at home 100% of the time. I really don't know if I'll be able to do it.

Everyone annoyed me at some point in the weekend. C turns into such a whiny little bitch if he has to do anything that's not to his liking for even one second. Both kids will take any chance to pretend the world is ending if I make them go somewhere they don't want to go (which is mostly anywhere). S asks endless questions about the structure of the day, which I make very clear, but he always tries his hardest to find things that are not so clear to him, like "will we have screen time when we get back home in two days" or "will we be able to take the screen time we missed this weekend into next weekend". He also asks the same questions 300 times a day. Also, I'm not sure what's up with his ears but the entire weekend he didn't understand anything we said and he said "what?" constantly. WHICH IS FINE WHEN YOU'RE TALKING TO HIM, yet most of the time he wanted to know everything about conversations I was having with anybody else, and wouldn't relent until I re-explained every single tiny detail to him. My personal space got mostly disregarded, like if I told them I wanted to have 30 minutes of alone time they would make it to 5 max until they desperately needed me for something.

And then there's D. Sometimes I just don't know with that man. The best thing to describe D is: he pulls his weight reluctantly. I could give you 300 examples, which I won't. He's constantly there but his brain is switched off and when you beg him to turn it on he reluctantly does that for half a second and then goes into snooze mode again. It is so massively tiring.

This morning I asked him to make breakfast (that's his task! he just doesn't do it when I don't explicitly ask him to!) and for some reason he made everything for 2 instead of for 4 people. Why? You can't ask why. He doesn't know why. You can either smile and say "thank you for cooking breafkast" while dying inside, or ask him why he didn't make enough and get a vague answer. Both options are equally as unfulfilling.

My boys!!!! I love them the absolute most!!!!!!

I'm often so worried about their futures. C is starting high school next year. I really want him to have the best experience. S has his own troubles as you already know. I often feel sick wanting them both to be happy and thriving and I'm trying to do the most to get them there.

Yet maybe it's not bad to take a step back and look at the good stuff as well. C had his coming-of-age ceremony last weekend. We had a party at our home for our family. He's an absolute delight. He's shy but kind. He has the best sense of humor and the best music taste. The weather sucked balls but the party was cozy and everyone had fun.

S is so incredibly creative and asks the best questions. He always finds something to do and gets really invested in whatever he does. Together they're such a force. They love each other so much. They spend all of their time together, except when they're reading. That is: C is reading. S is listening to audiobooks. They both binge read/listen to Harry Potter on repeat.

I so enjoy their company and enjoy talking to them. They make great conversation. They both are so smart and insightful. I love teaching them about culture and showing them things I enjoy. I love when it's just the four of us together.

One year ago around this time we left for Canada. Last week C said he realized how much of a privilege that has been. We're all a bit homesick for our home away from home. I hope we get to travel again soon.

Something funny happened. I was biking to PT yesterday and I passed by a park. I heard kids playing in the distance. As I came closer to some shrubbery I saw someone was crouching behind a shrub. It wasn't a child, it looked like an adult. It was such a weird sight. I inched closer and looked behind it, just to see my bloody own sister ducking there hahahahaha. She was playing hide and seek with her kids. We locked eyes and we just started scream laughing at each other. Such a stupid and funny coincidence. I should've taken a picture but I was already late for PT.

He's not thriving at school and whatever we try to make things better for him isn't helping. Last year around December I've started allowing my brain to look for other solutions than the "just keep swimming" we've been doing for 4 years now.

One of the options is keeping him at home part time, which sounds wonderful but in Belgium it's kind of an administrative nightmare. It has to be granted by a doctor and can be revoked at any time if they deem him well enough to go to school. Also, his poor already overworked teacher will be having to do an extra bunch of work to keep him up to speed.

Another option is changing schools. This scares me to no end though. I know he could be able to thrive in a stricter school with clearer rules. However, we have so many little habits in place at school right now (me staying and helping him etc.), that I'm sure we won't be able to do at a stricter school, and that will bring a whole new set of problems. I'm just so tired. It's already hard to keep trying at his current school. Speaking 100% for myself, I don't know if I can manage wrestling him to a new school.

The final and most drastic option is homeschooling. This has been ringing in my ears for a couple of months now. I'm constantly thinking about how good life would be if he could just stay at home. I know I'm probably gaslighting myself. But I so badly want the both of us to get out of this permanent fight or flight for a bit. I help him with his school work a lot already. We work well together. He likes to learn with me. I think it could be something very beautiful. However I struggle a LOT with my executive functions and this will be no different when I'm homeschooling S. It will definitely not be a walk in the park.

I've been watching so many documentaries and reading stories about people with kids with autism and ADHD, people who homeschool, people who try alternative schools, people who keep fighting for them to be in a normal school, etc etc. I'm terrified of making the wrong decision for him. I also read the super judgemental comment sections and apply them all to myself, trying to see if maybe they resonate somewhere and I am fucking something up that I'm not realizing. It's tiring though. And a bit hurtful.

My peers mostly aren't super helpful about it. They hear the word homeschooling and they immediately have their list of 50 concerns ready. As if I didn't look into every single one of them twice already! They think he will become even more antisocial than he already is lol, while I strongly believe that getting him out of this permanent fight or flight state might do the exact opposite.

He himself has no doubt in his mind that he wants to stay home. He was like "immediately yes". I told him we're going to explore all options though and that I prefer to keep him in school should he start having a good time in the next couple of months. I guess we'll find out together.

For now getting him to school is still a tour de force. His school roster often changes unexpectedly. This morning he had an unexpected art class with a teacher he doesn't really know that well. They didn't tell him beforehand and it took a while for it to become clear how the day would go. I always try to advocate for him and help him get a clear overview of the day asap, but I know he's in agony the entire time.

This is hard for me as well. I've been basically telling him to suck it up for his first 3 years of school, which clearly didn't work and resulted in him being in hysterics, screaming and kicking and crying every single morning. Right now I'm talking to him and vouching for him towards his class and teachers, which makes it easier for him at school, but I'm also constantly thinking that I might be doing too much, helping him too much, asking too much of the teachers and I'm harming him/worsening his symptoms by pampering him too much. Finding balance is so hard!

The art class this morning ended up being super rowdy (lottts of big characters in his class) and he ended up sitting in the hallway making drawings alone. That's where I left him. He did let me leave, so no kicking and screaming today, but I always feel sorry for him leaving him behind like that. He's surviving and I so wish he could be thriving.

The school runs drain me to no end as well. Getting him out of bed in the mornings, getting him to eat, getting him dressed, getting him in and out of the car, it's all so stressful every single day. Even C was telling me that S stresses him out in the mornings. It's always: "Will he eat today?" "Will I have to get him from under his bed today?" "Will D have to wrestle him into his car seat today?" "Will there be kicking and crying at school today?".

Thanks to the impromptu art class I only got him settled in at 10am. It's 11am now. I should've started work already but I feel absolutely drained, and that's how it is every day. Yesterday D took S to school for once and I had honestly forgotten what it was like to feel like a normal human on a normal morning. Sadly D works fulltime now so it's not sustainable for him to get S to school on a regular basis.

After crying all day yesterday I'm done sulking and ready to report how my actual weekend was!

On Saturday I had Belgian Championships with my dance crew! We ended up taking second place. We were all SO SO happy, given that in our previous competition we ended up being second to last lol. We worked our butts off to get back to the top and we did it! We were all elated. This concludes my second comp season. I'm already so ready for next year!

On Sunday was my birthday. I hadn't planned anything in advance. We ended up inviting some people for drinks in our garden. It was the most perfect day. I found the very first May bug of the year which made me so happy!! It's the little things am I right.

On Monday I had my first PT session because dancing broke my knees. Turns out I have jumpers knee and it's perfectly treatable with just PT. Which is wonderful. She did some dryneedling, which was a first to me and felt pretty wild.

On Monday night we went to see Rosalia in concert. It was perfect. The artistry was out of this world. The show invoked a LOT of feelings in me, which we saw in yesterday's mental breakdown lol.

I'm just feeling so burnt out all the time. Getting S to school is so immensely stressful that by the time I get back home I want nothing else than to vanish off the face of the earth.

Whenever I get home from school I cannot bring myself to physically do any work in the house nor go to the grocery store for food. I signed us up for a meal subscription which solved half the problem but the rest is just stressing me out. Then people are constantly stalking me for everything. I need to take my gran to the store tomorrow. I need to join my gran for a funeral next week. They should all be small things and bonding moments which I love but they all feel like an unbearable burden right now.

And then there's work. I was supposed to be working all day today. It's almost 11am and all I did so far was stare at my phone wishing the ground would swallow me whole.

My house is a mess, my sheets are so dirty, my kid asked me to wash his pants by tomorrow and not a fiber in my being feels able to put a load of laundry in right now. I'm sitting in this pigsty, wishing I could bring myself to do something productive, but I just can't.

And then the kids will come home and they should have a healthy snack (I didn't go grocery shopping, I didn't prepare shit), and they should do homework (I'll let them watch a movie instead), and I'll feel like the shittest parent in the world.

The worst thing of all is that D has gotten a promotion at work and even though he's earning more, which is great, he is now ALWAYS in a call. I can't talk to him anymore throughout the day. It's driving me insane. I really need to vent after a hard morning with S. But since the promotion I have to keep it all in and it's just festering all day. I spent my entire morning crying my eyes out because I'm so sad for myself. I feel like a lonely piece of shit failure of a woman.

I had 9 shows last week and by the end of show 6 I came down with a pretty bad case of strep throat. I powered my way through fueled by heaps of paracetamol and ibuprofen. Yesterday the kids went back to school. I dragged myself to take them and then fell face first back in bed when I returned. I felt god awful. I spent all day in bed, sleeping on and off.

The shows went wonderfully. It's always my favorite time of the year. There were more shows than usual though and I did feel like I was basically never home in my kids' two week break.

Today I'm a tired, dissociative mess. My house is a war zone and I'm 4 days behind on work. My doctor gave me sick leave until Thursday but I feel like if I don't go back to work today, all the work will swallow me whole.

On top of that after a holiday S is always struggling to go to school as well. I'm still thinking about the entire homeschooling plan. It would be a dream to keep him home and have all the time in the world with him. But it would be a whole lot less of a dream to live on one income. I'm just constantly torn between options and I never seem to be comfortable having to pick only one.

It's showtime!! I am absolutely loving this season of dance. Good company, good laughs, and good food. We're doing two weeks of shows in a venue that completely sold out within a couple of hours. I am LIVING for these moments.

The people in my competition team were a bit down yesterday. We have Belgian Championships next week and our choreo is such a mess. We've put in SO much work and it's ALMOST coming together but we're not there yet and people are getting frustrated. Someone said she lost her mojo.

I spent my afternoon making tiny magical mojo bags with everyone's name on them to carry with them during the dance for good luck. I filled the bags with smiley beads and told them they could never open them to see what's inside or else their mojo would be lost. They were all so giddy about them. They put them in their sports bra during the dance haha. I had the choice to either practice my dance or make the mojo bags and I'm very glad I chose the latter. My dance went perfectly as well.

At first I thought I wanted an oura ring to track my stress levels, but the mandatory subscription after buying an already very expensive product is pissing me off a bit. Of course I spent hours looking for an alternative, without finding anything I was excited about.

Then I ditched the ring plan and decided I wanted some lounge furniture for outside. I've spent all morning looking at €10K options which are definitely outside of my budget. So yes I still don't know what I want for my birthday lol.