I've been PMSing and my mood has been all over the place this week. I've been having THE worst cramps of my life as well. Usually it's not that bad. I don't know what's causing it. If it's perimenopause I will scream.
On Friday in my favourite dance class I got moved front row to back row for our show dance without any explanation. After that, a gymbro on the loudest motorbike in the world tailgated me the entire way home. I never feel aggressive but at that moment I could've punched someone.
On Saturday and Sunday D was going on a weekend away with friends. I promised the kids we would have a brainrot weekend: double screens all day and ordering pizza for dinner. Usually screen time rules are very strict here so they were over the moon. The day started out chill, but then people started getting annoying.
Usually D and the kids have lunch at his mom's house on Sundays. Apparently she can't miss them for one weekend. She tried to convince the kids to come over without their dad. It felt like I was doing a tug of war match for my own kids' company.
My uncle had the very urgent message that I needed to go to the hairdresser with my gran. I ignored his call and message because we had a brainrot day, and then he called my sister saying he was worried about me. At that point my sister went all investigative journalism on my mental health status. I just wanted the day to myself.
Throw in an acquaintance who was asking me to do a photoshoot with a huge deadline (she was in the last week of her pregnancy, I haven't heard from her since she asked), and a school mom who wanted to hang out, and I felt like I could scream.
I did what I had planned to do though. I put my phone on silent mode and chucked it in a corner. We watched all 4 Shrek movies. I downloaded 7 different brainless games to play. I sorted drinks and got cars out of the parking lot. I even rolled up yarn. We ate pizza and drank milkshakes. We went to sleep together in the big bed. Even though mentally I felt shot, I knew I had done the right thing by just resting and seeing it through.
On Sunday I felt better. My horrible mood had somewhat subsided. I took the kids with me to dance class because D wasn't home. We learned a new part for our comp dance which had me very excited. The sun was out and the weather was gorgeous. D got home early. He took C to go look at another high school, which I'm very grateful for because ugh people. I downloaded the Sims 3 on my laptop and played my little heart out, while also making a bit of a schedule for the next 4 weeks as I want to improve my stamina for dance. It ended up being a good day and I was ready for the week.
On Monday the kids were off school, so they had another mini brainrot day, albeit with more structure and less screens than the weekend before. I made a plan for the day and stuck to it. It felt very productive. I felt like I was out of the woods.
Then this morning S didn't want to go to school. This always triggers me to no end. Whenever I see the first signs of him sighing our not wanting to get out of bed, I have to try my very best not to lose it. I never get impatient with him! I just get so incredibly stressed. My heart starts pounding and my ears start ringing. My nervous system starts acting like I'm being chased by a lion. And from then on I just have no choice but to go through the motions the entire morning.
I pamper him extra when he gets out of bed. Make him a warm nest in the sofa so he can wake up a bit. D makes him a yummy breakfast. I put on his clothes for him. D had to carry him to the car this morning or else he wouldn't go. We're past the point of kicking and screaming thank god, but it's still so so stressful. At that point I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to leave him at school so I'm not sure what my day will look like at all.
At school I do his reading group. He was reading, albeit very reluctantly. After 15 minutes I went to drop him off at his table. He still has his table in the hallway because the classroom is too busy for him. He only enters the classroom when everyone's quiet. I spent some time going through his folder, as I do every day so he knows what to do for the day, and then I attempted leaving.
I know that's the hard point for him. Lately this has been going well for 90% of all days, but as expected, this morning it didn't. He started whimpering "don't leave", and pulling my sleeve. I know that if I get up, he will run after me, so there's not much I can do. He followed me down to the street a couple of times when he was younger, so I know I really can't go until he's completely at ease. I gave him big hugs and a pep talk. I stayed a bit longer and gave him his music player and something to draw on. After a while he calmed down and I could leave him.
I know this all doesn't sound too dramatic. It's been a long road for us, and we've gotten to a point that he's able to survive a school day without us forcing him to do anything, which is great! But still these situations break my heart over and over again. I find myself wishing he could just be a happy kid instead of constantly begging me to take him home.
Usually I call D to vent after that entire ordeal but this morning he was in a call and couldn't talk. I spent the drive home crying. It's so hard to get out of these moods and start my work day like nothing has happened. My heart physically hurts all day until S returns from school.
18 days until easter break.
106 days until summer break.
But who's counting right?