3/16/2021 One year ago my aunt asked me to help fix my grandma’s sock. I remember how skinny and stiff she had gotten. When they told me she probably wouldn’t make it to the end of the week, I didn’t believe it until I saw her in the state she was in. Actually, it may have taken my a couple of months to really believe she was gone.  A piece of latex separated our hands from making contact. Covid was just beginning and we didn’t want to complicate things, so as much as I wanted to hold her hand and feel her touch again, I couldn’t.  My cousin and I were in the room alone with her. Sniffling and fighting back our tears. It isn’t until you face death that you get brought back to the reality that none of this is forever. The time we have with each other should always be cherished.  All my memories with my grandmother begun rushing back. I grew up in her house. I was alone with her everyday throughout the week when my dad would leave for work at 3pm and my mother would come back from work at 5pm. She would be on the phone, in the kitchen, while I watched after school shows, played video games, and maybe did homework in the living room.  I remember saying goodbye to my grandmother under my breath. I didn’t speak my thoughts, but I was hoping they could somehow reach her. I wish we had more photos together. I wish we spent more time together. I wish I didn’t disconnect myself from the family because of drama because those petty things were my excuse to not being at family events these past 10 years. Oh how I hated myself for that.  I’d like to say I believe in an afterlife just so that one day, when its my time, I’ll be reunited with her and my uncle again.    I remember glancing one last time into the room. How dark the room felt. How the light from the window was trying to shine through. How the sadness in the room was so tangible. I remember the crying my eyes out while I was driving home. I don’t remember the drive itself, but I remember seeing my exit and not taking it. I made my way to someone’s place because I was thinking... life is short. You have to tell the ones you love that you love them.  I still struggle to know what I can and can’t or should and shouldn’t say, but I know I’ll work on it.  I think this will be my last post for a really long time. Perhaps I won’t come back here again. I think the only reason I do is because it’s where I can express my thoughts and know that no one is really going to see this anymore. I’m going to try getting rid of all the distractions in my life and focus on what I need to get done. Focus on getting through school, starting a career, spending time with the people I love.  I have a lot of things to do and if anything is to be learned from death, it’s that we don’t have time to waste. 

2/15/2021 Seven days left for me to finish up my prework. Its taken me a five days to get 62% completed and its actually really difficult. I’ve only done one lesson on Saturday, one on Sunday, and two today, but the rest of the week I’ll have to really buckle down and focus.  For Valentines day I didn’t think we were planning on doing much (especially since I’m like... incomeless and can’t really afford to exchange gifts at the moment), but my partner got me a pair of new airpods :3  Honestly, him paying for my tuition so I don’t have to take a loan and owe interest was far beyond more than enough.  Class is starting up soon and I’m thankful that the only real thing I have to worry about is getting through the classes.  I also let my dog have my slippers because he would always try stealing them when I’m not looking. They were my favorite pair (corgi slippers), but I figured since I have my corgi now, I don’t need to get everything with a corgi on it anymore. I mean, I’m still going to, but nothing will replace the real thing.

1/21/2021 Ah. My time of being without debt of any kind is coming to an end as I enroll for classes for the next year. I have enjoyed this jobless time for restoring my mental health, but alas, duties call and goals need to be reached.  This will be an interesting year for me. Hopefully things with covid settle down and we see some return of normalcy.  I really hope this year will be a good year for everyone. 

1/5/2020 Found out my homophobic cousin has covid and has been admitted in the hospital. His family also has symptoms.  Ironically, I had a dream about him a few days ago where he was making homophobic remarks.  When my cousin mentioned that her brother was in the hospital, I didn’t think it was appropriate to bring that up.  In other news, Tonberry’s leash training seems to be improving. Along with sit, down, rollover, leave it, and touch. I’m trying to get him to tuck. He’s definitely brought me a lot of joy during the past two months. Can’t believe how big he’s gotten. 

10/15/2020 We’re expecting :) 

9/17/2020 Finally on my way out of my job. Using up my PTO, narrowing down what schools / programs to enroll in, doing some self-studying, got all my financials in order, getting back in shape, getting more photoshoots, found a dog breeder, and reconnecting with old friends. Oh and bonus, pre-ordered a PS5 and narrowing down some nice apartments to move to.  It’s weird, but seeing my grandmother in my dream the other night felt like it really helped me push through a couple of things. I don’t think I’ve been this happy in awhile. All the things I use to worry about and the things that made me unhappy are nothing to me now.  Can’t wait for this next chapter in my life.

8/11/2020 I have officially paid off the last of all my loans. No more debt <3 A milestone has been reached. Now I’m apartment hunting, looking for a program to join for school, and looking for a corgi to get in the next 5 months.  I’ve also reconnected with someone extremely important to me.  I am looking forward again. 

7/29/2020 I’m getting back in shape, paid off all my loans (minus car, but I’m close), getting photoshoots lined up again, I’m getting ready to quit my shitty job, and I’m looking at schools again.  Things are definitely looking up. I know this pandemic isn’t over and being stuck inside is making me really angsty, but on the bright side, I have a lot of good things to look forward to.  I’ve had another dream with my grandmother in it and it was nice. I still miss her so much and still have my moments, but I hope I can be someone that she’s proud of eventually.  I’ve also taken a break from some social media for my mental health. Its been a breath of fresh air to not constantly see all the things wrong with this world.