in midnights, in sunsets

jams

Do I see people ? :O

Depends on what you define 'people'?

I know exactly how that feels, it’s the worst thing ever… 

What a pity. I feel myself slowly drifting into a coma, tell my family I love them and blame Luque for eating us right into empty cupboards.

Trembling hands grazed skin until tips found the feather-thin strands of chocolate brown hair, and they tangled into soft tufts as Cory met Jason’s lips with feeble passion, mumbling small, pathetic pleas into the slow, tentative kiss. Or so was the case, until the gentle pressure on his chest had the curly-haired boy sinking back down into the couch he’d bolted from only a short while prior. He opened his mouth to speak, to protest, to formulate some sort of response to the situation other than pathetic persistence in getting Jason to stay and that this whole thing was killing him and he needed him like he needed air and how the hell was he supposed to even attempt being happy without his boyfriend, but then Jason’s lips were on his again and he was on his lap, straddling his waist in just the right way and all Cory could manage was a guttural groan before melting into Jason’s touch and losing himself in the effervescence of his body close, hands close, heartbeat thudding against erratic heartbeat.

Jason made a short, surprised guttural noise deep in the back of his throat as he was risen from the warm comfort of Cory’s lap, his legs wrapped lazily across the boys slimmer waist and supported by the tenacious grip of his partner and prolonged a deep exhale of air pent up in his chest. He groaned slightly at the boys previous words, more than eager to fulfill the needs they both desired. With his lips still hovering teasingly over Cory’s, a shiver ran down his back as he repeated the words back that flew off the tip of his tongue, as easy as his name by this point when it came to the green eyed boy, “I love you.” The trip from the living room to the room Cory resided in on the far left of the hall seemed achingly long as his lips trailed down the context of his boyfriend jaw to nibble small kisses against the pale skin. “I know baby, I do.” He smiled, his eyes crinkling at the corners in absolute delight but the whole purpose being lost as they reached the practically neat room quickly and the rush of emotions hitting him like a block.

Numb. So completely, utterly, listlessly numb. Every word that fell from Jason’s lips was a blow that Cory couldn’t feel, couldn’t comprehend fully. It was only when the smooth metal band that made up the ring he’d given the boy before him so long ago touched the palm of his trembling hand that he was able to make sense of what was being said, what was being done. He closed his fingers around the band, green eyes caught on blue, his last inkling of hope that this was all some cruel joke fading as realization struck like a bolt of lightning. This was it. This was the end. An end he would never have seen coming. This wasn’t how things were supposed to go, how they were supposed to end. They were supposed to end in years, years on years on wonderful years together, when they were both wrinkly old men with children who had children, when they’d gone through every trial of life that could be sent their way and they had nothing left to do but love each other, when they could spend an entire day on the front porch of their white-picket fenced house, watching the day go by from their places in creaking rocking chairs as they held hands and sipped lemonade and reminisced on their blaze of glory in high school, when they’d been naive, foolish kids in love, destined to grow old and die together. That was when things would end. Then. Not now. Not here. Not like this. He opened his mouth to speak, to form some attempt at rationality, but all that came out was a breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding. His chest was tight, throat raw, vision blurred by pathetically relentless tears. This couldn’t be it. It couldn’t be. 

Jason’s heart broke into two with each pleading note of Cory’s voice, cracking under the pressure of his denial and tears. This was the absolute last thing he had hoped for with this discussion of leaving, the prospect of actually leaving Cory, his whole reason of being basically, sinking in deep with each pulsing thump of his heart against his chest. “Stop Cory…” He trailed off, not being able to lift his voice above its current volume on the subject. It was the only thing he could process in his mind, his eyes fluttering close in frustration and the need to be in his own thoughts instead of Cory’s. Jason knew that Cory wasn’t the one to blame for their predicament; it had all been onto him for bringing it up so close to his departure, leaving not to a new room or even to a new state, but back to the old ways and hometown where he had originated; thousands upon thousands of miles away. He hadn’t needed to settle upon the shallow base of his mind since in a flash his mouth fitted against his boyfriend’s once again. The warm pair of lips brushing sensibly against his, as if judging or awaiting a solid reaction before continuing, although they grew strong and inviting as the time wore on and Jason eagerly gripped onto Cory’s thin torso to seek the comfortable skin on skin he felt deserved. They deserved. It was only them against the word at the moment, caught up in one another like there wasn’t a problem or incident on their minds. He hadn’t expected anything of it, just an impressive way to shut him up from the anxiety following their realizations and so on. “Cor, babe…” His eyes were still closed tightly, touch lingering close to the boy he desperately needed. Jason was a fool to believe that it would be easier for either of them, easy to just escape the confines of their needed relationship. He wasn’t ready to let go and by the looks of it, Cory wasn’t either. He was a lot more pleased than he’d like to admit by that.

There’s always that instance in a bad situation when it seems that everything’s jumped past the point of tolerance, when it’s become too much to bear, when it seems that any facade of invincibility crumbles and one is forced to swallow back the knot in their throat with thick swallows, all the while their eyes blinking profusely and their head pounding harder than a mallet on wood, and they’re left using the last of their willpower to keep everything in rather than let it overflow and exacerbate the situation. For Cory, that instance sprung up midway through Jason’s chastise, and while he forced his stature calm and collected, his mind was ripping at the seams, any sort of self-composition unwinding until Jason’s words were only background noise behind the thundering sound of his own sanity falling apart. “Fuck, I’m trying to help!” The sudden change of his own tone was surprising, to say the least. Still, he found himself moving to pull away from Jason, to face him dead-on, to make the eye contact he seemed so intent to avoid. “Excuse me for wanting you to stay, Jason, really. If you’re so set on getting out of here, get to it! I wouldn’t want you to miss your flight. Wouldn’t want the damn plane to head off halfway across the world without you on it. Don’t want you to miss the flight that’ll take you thousands and thousands of miles away from me. Go, Jason. Just leave now.” He scrambled to stand, leaving Jason nestled in between the couch cushions on his own. If he was so dead-set on leaving, who was Cory to stop him? Let him go. Let him jet off to a whole other continent, one on the other side of the world. Let him leave Highlight. Let him! Who the hell cared?

“Cory, you don’t understand how much I wished I had a chance to not leave you. Fuck,” His hand carded through the thick curls hanging in Cory’s face at the moment, needing some sort of distraction or convincing lingering touches that would direct him to his sane state of mind. Cory was the purpose in each step he took and each breathe he initiated. Jason was a mess without the comfort he provided and this whole ordeal made everything worse. “I just can’t. That’s the end of it.” He bit his lip hard, not accustomed to seeing the curly haired boy cry frequently. “Babe, don’t… Don’t cry on account of me.” Jason reached forward, tracing his fingers along the context of Cory’s pale cheeks and brushing away the stray tears making their approach downward swiftly. His lips pressed to the warm flesh of Cory’s face to reign in a calming emotion between the pair of them. Anything to make this the slightest bit better. “It’s not forever. This won’t… I love you and I will love you for a very long time Cory.” Jason’s eyes flickered to the green irises of the older boys gaze and sighed. “Nothing could get in the way of that, ever.” The pad of his fingertips brushed onto the tear stained flesh and he begun to mirror the actions himself. It was heartbreaking, the situation they’ve tangled themselves into. Jason’s heart pitted and patted away in his chest shallowly and his eyes stung, watering under the influence of Cory’s distress.

Any second now, Jason would laugh. It would start with that impish grin he always got, the one that preceded an imminent fit of laughter. And then he’d laugh, a beautiful, melodical sound that would have Cory smiling against his will, and then the laugh would grow until it was a full-out cackle, because Jason’s laugh seemed to change with the funnier he took the situation to be. And then Cory, though begrudgingly, would find himself joining in the laughter, melancholy to being with, until he too was in hysterics, and then through teary eyes and a high-pitched voice, Jason would apologize for scaring Cory shitless with his joke and Cory would forgive him, and then the two would find themselves in each other’s arms, drawn together by something that surpassed a simple camaraderie by miles, and they’d retire to the bedroom to cuddle and kiss and forget about the joke that had nearly had Cory paling sheet-white. All that needed to be done was Jason to look up, to offer a smile or a laugh or just a simple bat of the eye to reassure him that he wasn’t saying what Cory thought he was saying. But no laugh came. Instead, he was met with the side silhouette of Jason’s face, lips downturned and eyes appearing to be fixed on anything that didn’t involve meeting Cory’s eyes. It was a crushing realization, as Cory slowly took into account that there would be no laughter, no smiles, no hugs and kisses and cuddles. this wasn’t the cruel, sick joke he’d mistaken it for. Rather, it was a cruel, sick reality that was crashing down like waves onto a seabed. The gentle squeeze Jason offered around his hand was an attempt at consolation, but it only forced into Cory’s deluded mindset actuality. He opened his mouth to speak, to say anything at all, to will the right words out of thin air. Instead, all he could managed was a small utterance, voice managing to break in the monosyllabic word that he forced from his whirring brain. “No.” 

A shaky laugh escaped his lips which were set into a tight and firm line. It hadn’t been anything significant toward happiness or relief, but the whole option settling across his spine and heavy against his chest. It wasn’t going to be that easy and there was absolutely no way Jason would have Cory doing something so monumental for him. His head shook immediately; his eyes shutting closed for a few seconds as he steadied his breathing patterns and could explain surely that wasn’t going to be an option for him. No matter how much he pleaded, how dearly he meant to stay at the school, or how long he had to convince his mother, it couldn’t be done. Jason wasn’t going to have anyone give up anything on his sake. “Cory… You can’t think. God, please don’t make this harder than it already is babe.” The pressure building up in Jason’s chest didn’t relent in the nearing couple of seconds and he reached up to thread his fingers in his short, brunette hair. Why couldn’t they go back to when times were easier? Their biggest concern wasn’t being an ocean away but what was going to be for dinner that night? “You can’t just throw money into the situation and it’ll be all fixed, sure… I’ll be able to stay maybe but that won’t block the whole meaning of me actually being physically there with my family.” When Jason was growing up, there was never really time to spend doing nothing and being carefree, he had always some duty to take care of or to play a role of basically ‘parent’ for the night. Seeing as his father left when he was practically a teenager himself, things were more dead set on him pulling the weight along with his mom. He didn’t have time to grow up around the park or pay attention to the local activities. His family was used to having the older boy around, someone to show guidance and make it simpler to live in such complicated times.  “They need me and I’d be damned if I don’t go.”With that, Jason clamped his teeth to his bottom lip and his eyes scattered around the whole place. It was weird not wanting to escape to his old life, the one he should always find comfort in, but he felt everything here was perfect and he was actually invested in something that made him happy. Couldn’t that be enough? God, he was selfish.