≈

it feels as if lifetimes have passed since our last interaction. i'm not even sure why i bothered to write anything now because quite frankly, i haven't spoken to a soul about how i feel anymore. i'm sure that if you were still around, words would claw its way out of my mouth into your eardrums because that's where they feel the most safe in. in case you ever cross this side of my universe again, i'd like to express that i think i've drastically changed these past few months. something in my perspective changed and i can't quite pinpoint it, but i experience a great deal of detachment now. i don't feel so tight-knit with the people i could always fall back on nor do i mind it. that doesn't mean i don't care about anyone at all, but being alone and simultaneously lonely lately has made me truly appreciate myself and what i am capable of accomplishing on my own. there's a weightlessness in these experiences i have been pursuing lately. being consistent in the gym, going on solo hikes, and roadtripping alone has sparked a new interest for life inside of me. i wake up and i have all these goals i want to pursue, and they actually feel so achievable. i get excited just thinking about them. i feel so grateful for making it this far because i always remember how i felt last year. it was awful and you were there through so much of it. i will never stop reminding you of the immense gratitude i have for you just being by my side and showing up for me. those days led me here and now my life has completely flipped for the better. a part of me wishes you could be here to see it all. i can just picture your smile and gleaming eyes staring at me with all the proudness a heart could carry. there are a lot more things i wish to tell you, and sometimes, in person. i know that wouldn't be the right thing to do though. you probably aren't the same person that i hugged goodbye that one night, and that's okay. i just really hope you've become a better version of you too. there's a gut feeling i have that we'll cross paths again, but for now, i wanted to get this off my chest. i miss you dearly. i think you know me better than any of my friends ever will hence why you'll always be my best friend. despite the silence that exists between us, i assure you that my heart still screams, at the top of its lungs, about all the love i have for you.

i don't believe that any of this was a mistake nor do i regret it. i just think that my goals and mindset have drastically changed recently which is really pushing me towards making significant changes again. i hope i can sort this all out soon and do all the things i have planned for myself.

even with the sun beaming on all of my days, in the shadows between each ray is a place i tuck my heart in to miss you most because what we have feels forbidden in this lifetime.