I really want to tell yous how much youve changed my life in the past. I guess people could say ive been through alot for a girl my age,but your videos are there every time something goes wrong and they help me forget. I guess i should start at the beginning? Well,when i was younger i got severely bullied in school,Sadly not just name calling either. I would be physically punched or kicked,not by girls either,by a group of boys in the year above me. With me being someone that hates talking about things i kept it to myself. I'd go home and lie to my parents about why i had bruises,most of them involved PE. It was terrible,and nobody should have to go through especially at such a young age as i was. For me it was like they followed me,i'd go home and they'd be somewhere around,going to school they'd be there. I had no escape from them for two whole years. Finally,They left primary school and went up to secondary school letting me be free from it. However,my biggest bully was myself. Im always to fat,too stupid, too quiet and i didnt have many friends because i moved school almost every year and a half because of my parents splitting then getting back together. I was insecure,big time. What made it was worse,i had a teacher that hated my guts. She'd pick on me in front of the class and basically made me feel like complete shit,she'd even chased me up a corridor throwing things at me. Luckily i got transferred schools. Near the end of primary school,all of my teachers noticed how little confidence i had,and how little i actually talked without getting forced to. So she sent me to a support group. I lied and said it helped me but it didnt. Countless times i'd go home and just sit thinking horrible thoughts about my self,like how fat i was compared to everybody else. I was only 7 or 8 at the time.
While all this was happening at school,things were going on at home too. My mum and step dad were going through a really tough time and i was getting dragged along with it. More than once they threatened to leave each other,meaning us children would have to pick who we'd stay with. Luckily they'd make up every time,then things would get back to normal. That was till my mum got sick of it and snapped. Me and my brother were sitting down in the living room while they screamed at each other upstairs. It was horrible,My brother was in a state screaming from them to be quiet while i had no idea what to do. So i went upstairs,which i shouldnt of done. After almost an hour of constant screaming at each other my mum dropped the bombshell. We were leaving. They were splitting up. My step dad went mental saying she couldnt take my brother from him. That made me feel shit,he was screaming to keep my brother and nobody else. Like he didnt care about me. After threatening to phone the police on my mum he eventually let us go,so we went to my grans. Living there for over a month was torture. There was hardly any room to move, and hearing my mum cry broke my heart. I dont know what came over me,but after accidentally cutting my leg with a razor i decided to do it again. Doing it again for the second time i realized what i had done. Freaking out i tried to wipe up the blood. Over the past few months ive also started to feel depressed,like seriously depressed. I cant tell anybody because if i did then i'll have to tell them everything,from the beatings i got in primary leading up to now and i dont think i can tell anybody. I done a depression test too,my results showed that i had a very high percentage of Magor Depression. My older sister has depression,so i think my mum will think im just trying to copy her but im not. I seriously am suffering.
After a year of the boys not hurting me,it was time to face them again for the first time. I had to go up to secondary school with them. Things got better for a while. People started finding out about my personal life. My little brother,Danny, has down syndrome and people would take the piss out of him when i was there.In the gap year i grew a big of confidence but it got taken away again,like it was never there. Things got much worse when i got into Ask.fm,Twitter and Facebook. Thats where your videos came in. I could be sitting there in tears but as soon as i watched your videos it would let me forget about it for a while. I got told to drink bleach a few times, i got called a slut,skank,fat and that i should go die,what was the worst thing though i believed them,they had to be telling the truth. Why would they lie? So i ended up starving myself and continuing self-harming. I tried to stop,i really did, every time i thought id cut id go straight onto your YouTube account to distract myself. It was almost as if yous were there with me,telling me to put the razor down that everything will be okay,just dont do it. Nobody really understood me,but when i was watching your videos it was like yous didnt care about anything,yous were wanting to make everybody smile. Your videos taught me a lot,it doesnt matter what people think about you as long as you believe in yourself and ignore all the negative things people say about you because in the end,theyre not going to be there forever. Each one of you beautiful crazy unique boys taught me something different and yous have no idea how much its changed my life. If it wasnt for yous then i'd still be self harming all the time, I've not completely stopped but im working on it. Honestly,i do still starve myself. I know its wrong but i cant stop myself, Sometimes the thought of actually eating food makes me sick or if i do buy something all i think about is how fat i will be after i eat it. Recently ive been Depressed,thinking horrible things all the time. Im scared though,if i tell somebody more people might find out. I cant tell anybody about it either,if i did then it would just cause a whole load of drama and i dont want that. At all.
Daniel,you taught me to be carefree and be who i am instead of pretending to be somebody im not. James,you taught me to laugh and be wild because we're not going to be a teen forever,you have to live while you can. Beau,you taught me that no matter what there is always a reason to smile and to believe in myself. Jai,you taught me that no matter what miracles do happen,you said you and Ariana would date and look at yous,your the most perfect couple ive ever seen in my life. Luke,god you taught me a lot, You taught me that no matter what people call you theres always going to be someone there for you,someone in a worse position than you, I cant even put into words how much youve taught me. People can try to hate you for what you do but it doesnt matter,yeah it hurts but at the end of the day your true friends and family are there for you. You all taught me something different but all of yous taught me to not waste time dwelling on the past because we have the future a head of us,you want something to happen then you have to work for it. You cant waste time,time eventually runs out.
Then on the 24th of May i finally got to see yous live,In Glasgow as a birthday present. Yous were amazing,it honestly was one of the best nights ive had in my life and it made me fall in love with yous even more. I was so upset i couldnt meet yous,but i was just selfish some people didnt even get to come see you at all! I never thought id get to see yous,ever. It was crazy, I cant believe i got a seat so close to yous either. Anyways I know you've probably had loads of people telling you a similar story like this but i just want to say thank you. Thank You for everything, Yous are amazing and i dont think i could of gotten through without you. You have no idea how many lifes youve changed just by being who you are. You changed mine,and i wouldnt have it any other way. Your all like my own little saviors and i love yous,even though i havent met yous. Without you I would of done something reckless, but i didnt. Thanks to My five little saviors.
~Chloe<3
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