Things That Make You Sleepless

if he, who once said, it is better to have loved had known the sorrows your absence left in my heart he'd too, rather not have loved

it's an art, you know. loving someone you can't have? it's an art. it's a way to convince yourself that, even if you can't confess to them, you're capable of caring enough to want to wake up in the morning. it's a testament to all of the pain you've been through. tells you that the map you've followed all your life, with all of its twists and turns and roadblocks, has lead you right where you need to be: here, alive, loving. loving. loving. and yeah, maybe you can say it to them, those three words. you can't really mean it, though, and that's what hurts, right? you can tell them, "i love you. i hope you're happy and healthy. you deserve it." you can tell them, "you're my favorite person. i love you so much." you can tell them, "you're the best friend i've ever had. i love you." no matter what, you can shower them with love. pray they understand. and if they don't? the heart beating in your chest is a consolation, isn't it?

do you ever have these small moments in life where your sadness and anxiety leaves you for like ten seconds and it feels like time has stopped? when you look around wherever you are, whether you’re running through heavy rain or in the middle of a club shouting the words to your favourite song on the dance floor or riding ur bike home at 3am and you feel alive. like really ALIVE. when you’re not thinking about anything; you’re just living through your senses, trying to take in the moment. and when it passes you realise nearly every moment leading up to that moment - every second, every day you’ve been on this planet - you haven’t felt that alive? that you haven’t even been living, just existing, until that moment? i live for those moments