nihil ex nihilo

how often I sit and wait and wonder why others feel through the cold thick             nothing arms of garnet stars, wells slack- jawed with lovers, stomachs full to bursting on         gourds or sweetmeats or mealworms and I have all this     sparring these weapons that clunk uselessly to         the dirt why the earth does not move towards but away from me

tower-bound thousands of years       of itching sleep I gave up on leaving, on escape Embers granted me their ancient history,           I grew timewide there cannot be forgiveness you died, fed the prairie grass my mother wept until the sky closed, until that       hot dusk held me diseased, down to the thinning throat: addiction crows incessantly, is indiscriminate in its lovers, and all my blood       boils risen like so? where needles pinched and prodded and her eyes rolled back, gurgling against all my shutness I still see the movie playing, she is       clawing at the front porch searching each plant pot for a key speaking to herself unintelligbly     before driving away one last time