Why am i HERE

Tumblr is always my last resort for just everything yet it always gets me in such a wonky mood, aside from always overthinking everything when I'm alone af like today I spent my day just drinking and smoking and honestly has me feeling like shit but at the same time just idk, i hate getting emotionally attached because it always ends up being stupid like for me not the whole experience?? Honestly the past four weeks have been great and I've met the coolest people I could have encountered I think and I've even actually met a person who was so awesome in everything like it was scary at first?Idk i just hate knowing that simply because we can't physically be close it all just sorta has to fall off? I hate emotions and I hate caring too much and I just hate being such a damn baby with intimacy and feeling love, I know I'm over exaggerating like always but honestly being here is going to be weird because I got so use to her? lol I'm always stuck in this overwhelming cycle that I need to feel some type of affection. I'm love that we still can talk but it makes it a little bit harder knowing I won't see her honestly probably till after I graduate. I said I was going to sleep but honestly I'm fucking sleepless rn

Got on tumblr and realized that I'm still a mess if I sit and think ha

Lately I've just been on mute about everything, I wake up and I try my best to pretend like I'm happy but that's never really the case. I feel like in reality I'm just moving around with no where really in mind? But at the same time I'm really just standing still like if I'm really just trapped in my own mind prison. Lately all that comes to mind is the dumb bs I know I should leave to the side but it's weighing in on everything I do and it's getting tiring like wtf just let me breath easy for once? I'm so easily triggered lately? Why can't I just be normal? Just be happy? There's nothing wrong in my life so wtf? And like why did I care so much about the way they replied to me? Like I barely even talk to them so tf? I really just need a life? Like an actual life? Away from everyone, I'm just up in everyone's face and it's ridiculous. Just like I need space so do they. Fuck sake I'm just so tired of being alone with these dumb bs thoughts, I'm tired of crying at night, I'm tired of everything, I want to honestly erase myself from everyone. I just want to die but at the same time I don't want anyone to know? Really who tf would know, it's all just a big fucking stupid lump in my stomach and throat but it's just getting unbearable lately. Fuck I hate it, I should really stop trying to lie to myself so much.

I just feel like I'm not really here anymore????? Like I am but not like the real me? Just honestly such a waste of space and air

After this weekend I'm really realizing how much I just gotta move on, it's not that I'm just gonna erase everything but at the same time I can't sulk and beg things to happen lol, gotta get back to bsing 90% of the population I meet and see where It lands me

Today's been such a long damn day tbh idk where the heads at anymore anymore bdsm exactly what I'm doing with everything but all I can say is my body is not going to be grateful with me regardless of whatever tomorrow. It did relieve the annoyed pissed off old man I had inside me and I guess it help me calm the volatile fucker I can really be. Anyways, John you are still a sensitive and over thoughtful jackass, thank you and have and good night

Idk why I'm torturing myself tbh I know how I am, it's just ridiculous the measure this is going to though tbh. I may be getting to the done phase 😂 fuck it

Bluhhh I'm starting to feel so restless and nasty and fuck dude I really need to do something or feel somethinf???!!!! Like anything I hate feeling so empty lmao I just need to get over w.e this is

Stay putting other people's feeling over mine time and time again, but honestly idk if I'd rather feel like a selfish prickly or just have a nagging drop in my stomach all the time. Regardless they both feel stupid and shitty lmfao soooo whateverrrrr

Need to be alone but the likelihood of that in my aunts house is probably -5000000%

lol yes sure john go ahead and wait till the last possible second to write all of your papers. create more stress in your life, become filled with anxiety during finals week. go ahead and say yea sure lets cruise around and help other people get shit done and you nahh dont worry one bit about yourself whatsoever.... im completly fucked lol yayyy for fucking finals.