Jalopydactyl

https://twitter.com/jalopydactyl

I’m hilarious, really.

I realized also that bites of details are easier to dole out on a public platform than entire meals. It gets messy. You have to worry about cutlery, napkins. Place settings. With bites, you can even use your fingers. It’s simple. No explanations necessary. 

So basically more of the same, but condensed and with less art.

Lots of animals, sarcasm, Hellraiser, and light to moderate self-deprecating humor. Sprinklings of social justice and politics. The usual. 

I’m likely not coming back here. Find me if you like. If not, that’s ok too. 

So, here's the thing.

Stopped one medication and my birth control (for health reasons) and suddenly have a ridiculous mess of emotions at the forefront of my mind at all times (mainly sadness, but hey) as well as the sex drive of a teenager. All complete with a crush on someone I am kind of seeing but not really because commitment is not in his vocabulary, being he got out of a divorce a bit ago and anyway I'm in absolutely no position to ask for or go after any kind of relationship. Just because it's something part of me wants does not mean it's something should have in my life by any means. I still don't give myself enough care. I can't be distracted by another person.

But here's the thing. Even with it being a small thing, it's still a distraction. A big one, because I am obsessive and also, since I have the emotions and sex drive of a teenager, am always and forever unsatusfied with what I can get. I put meaning where there is none. I get sad about everything, with the added bit regarding the loss of youth and nostalgia and growing older. It's hard not to do that, especially when every one of your friends has been paired up for years, and you can't maintain a relationship for more than a few years or even manage to date someone that doesn't treat you like relative garbage or doesn't just see you as a rebound...

But I digress.

Basically the whole point I am making is that I feel like a mess. I feel awful and a jumble of weird emotions and anxiety - most of the time - but I'm writing again. Somehow this flood of angsty teenage shit has started the process of breaking the wall down. I am relieved. I am excited about this. This one small part of all the shit. Another side of this is at times I feel like a person. That's usually when I am around people, but it's not that often, and just an aside.

Anyway.

There is part of me, though, that wants the nihilism back. That doesn't want a libedo. That doesn't want these emotions. Because it hurt a lot less then, and honestly, I am really fucking tired of being a mess. I don't know which is better and it's partially really messing with me.

I fall in love with everyone I meet. Somehow I have a voice again. But is it worth it? Is writing my therapy again, or is it not enough?

Why is this happening to me now, as I stumble closer and closer to 40?

One is actually an Elder God from the cosmos that is asleep and waiting to destroy the world and the other is just a dude who wants to be Anton LaVey?

I would go for the Elder God and the sweet release of death over the alternative, probably.

Is all it takes.

One

time

to take it all in

to sink back

onto heels that once

once

knew what

new

earth felt like

an unforgiving path

through nothing but

wonder

fear

once felt

never taken back.

I knew you

I know you

once

you looked at me

said my name

and the sky broke

rained flames

on my body

a line

a deed, faith

carved into muscle

and kept steady

with thread.

Once I had you, but

once

is not enough.

It's a bit lonely sometimes, but I think I'm basically ok with it.

Update: tinder is still weird.

I kind of want to make these my only profile pictures and maybe add another one at the end that is completely out of context, like the leftover rind of an orange. And have my whole bio just be

‘PERVERSIONWORLD

The only tattoo of mine that matters’