it's been so long since i've thought about 'how long' it's been.
now that it's snuck back into my mind, i can't believe i'm gonna say this -- it's been 3 years.
this is my third year - and i can't help but to say, i'm so happy with where i am and the person i've become without you. i said it back then and i'll continue to say it again today - thank you. i learned so much with you by my side and i learned even more without you.
i remember almost every single emotion i felt when what we had ended. i thought my world was over. in one single night, everything that was mine - my world, my life - was flipped upside down. i was in a lot of pain for a long time, but exposing myself to all that hurt helped me grow.
it may have seemed that the hurt didn't last that long - the next guy i talked to was only 3 months after we broke up. he was a familiar face that helped me gain back the confidence i had lost when you left. he took me dancing and easily swept me off my feet. there are still days where i regret not giving him a chance, but he moved too quick and i was nowhere near ready for what he wanted for me and him.
the next lesson in my life was another hard one. it consumed me for an entire year, if not longer. not only was it a guy - it was also my friends. this was the second year without you and i thought i was okay. what happened to me that year almost made me feel numb to any more pain. i can't even express in words about this year -- if you know what i'm talking about, then you do - if not, then you don't even want to know.
now, this third year has been extremely different. this last year has mainly been about me. not that the last two years weren't, but this year, my main focus was to do what it is that i want, go wherever i want. i've planned my trips solely around what i wanted to do and whoever wanted to join could join me if they decided too. i never once stopped to think or wonder if anyone should accompany me because i was happy doing it alone.
the things i have learned about myself from all my 'trips' and my 'adventures' have been thrilling. it sucks that i couldn't have been 'this' person in our relationship, but it makes me excited to know how i'll be in the next. my ability to express myself and to not worry or care about what other people think have increased. i'm no longer scared or worried or filled with embarrassment. we're all people and we all enjoy different things.
now that i think about it, i'm glad that my friends and i aren't all that similar. i can't imagine being in a relationship where everything is identical anymore. it was never like that with my ex, but i always felt like we had to like the same things or do the same things. now that i'm more open to other activities and hobbies, i've found out more about myself. i can only wish to find someone who would try to engage in the things that i like, but i could never expect them to be who i am.
i've really been able to enjoy myself these last few months. i'm swooning and i'm happy and that's all i could ask for. I don't think i'm ready for anything more than what we have going on - and for that i'm grateful. i'm enjoying what this is and slowly taking my time. all I wanna say about you, or to you is - thank you. thank you for being you. thank you for whatever this is, because you're very soothing to me. you make me feel more me than I already am. you believe in me in the littlest things that I do. I hope I can be the same for you.
