Jae Ninay

Almost my whole life, I’ve had to take care of someone. As an older sister, I’ve always had to take care of my brother. In high school, I became a mother. I’ve never really had time to figure out who I was and who I would have become if I actually took the time to take care of myself and find myself. I’m so blessed to have a husband, children and a supportive circle to help me make this happen. At 32 years young, I’m starting to find out who I am and what I’m willing to do to keep my life happy. Truly excited to share this journey with you all!

2019.09.16

     It’s been a month since I was laid off. I’ve been taking it day by day but it’s such a grieving process for me. I don’t know if anyone knows what I mean when I say ‘grieving’. Is that even a thing? That is basically what I’ve been doing. Grieving the loss of what could have been the start of my new career here. Grieving the loss of the bigger picture. One of the reasons why we took such a leap of faith and split the family up. I’m so lost without work, but maybe it’s for the best. I’ve been trying to take it as the Universe telling me to just slow down, appreciate a work load off, and be there for my kids. 

If you were interested in reading my past blogs from years prior, I’ll include the sites below.

http://pandagotdimsum.blogspot.com/ -When Aaron and I were try to conceive, these posts are also in the Panda Mama x4 section of my page.

http://jaeninay.blogspot.com/ -Life as a single mother after a long relationship.

If anyone was my friend on Xanga.com and is able to access my blogs on ‘lost_in_tranquility’ PLEASE SEND ME MY OLD ONES! 

     So I decided to split my mom life and Optics life into their own chapters in my blogs. Check them out once in a while. I’ll try to blog more on them separately.

“To my dad and my father-in-law, I appreciate and love the both of you, especially during our times in need and advices. Thank you for supporting Aaron and I when I comes to your grandchildren. Best grandfathers ever!” -From my I.G. post earlier today. Hope everyone reached out to their fathers today and appreciated and thanked them for raising you! I also made a post to my husband this father’s day on my Panda Mama x4 page, so check that out too.

     For Father’s Day today, we went to Alameda for Dim Sum with Aaron’s family. Always busy and its usually pretty good. My FIL and I noticed that the fried taro we usually order, had some weird taste to it. Like steamed MOLD. We definitely didn’t finish that one. I do love that it’s over looking the water. I think that’s what won my MIL over. We usually eat near Fremont. After our lunch, we went to visit his kung-kung. He recently had surgery that required some extreme surgery so he couldn’t join us for lunch per the usual. It’s heartbreaking to see him in that condition, I hope he recovers well and he can go home soon. I’m sure his grandmother misses being with him. 

     Aaron and I took the kiddos to the city for the rest of the day and had a blast. Weather was pretty windy but hey, we’re moving to the deserts soon so I’m definitely enjoying the breezes. The twins had a fun letting the wind blow bubbles for them along the pier. Folks and other children enjoyed them as well. I was able to get my Biscotti latte and the rest of the family had their chocolate milk. So yummy. (Oh, that reminds me, I forgot to give the kiddos their biscuits.) All that walking (and catching Pokemon) had us hungry for some filipino food so we finally made it out to Ling Nam. I don’t care what anyone says about it, it’s our comfort food and go to place. Had my House Special and Starbread at the end. Mmm, super satisfied. 

     On the drive home, I couldn’t help but be mesmerized by the Strawberry Moon. Although, on our side...it wasn’t the pinkish color I was expecting. The moon was still so full and bright, the kiddos and I were howling at the moon. I wanted to gain my lunar magic to help manifest my intentions from the waxing crescent moon a few nights ago. I hope it helped. I’ll be charging my crystals under this beautiful Strawberry Moonlight. Night yall!

So many things to celebrate this end of the academic year. My twins have graduated Kindergarten and is ready for 1st grade. My oldest son has been promoted to Junior High School, along with three of my nieces. My God son graduated high school and got accepted in a college in Southern California. My niece graduated college and received her Masters of Arts in Applied Behavioral Analysis. Next school year, my daughter will be a Junior in High School too. I am such a proud Mommy, Ninang, and Auntie. I really want the best for our younger generation and their academics. 

I hope that once we settle in this move to another state, I’ll be able to continue with my academics as well. My major has changed so many times the past two decades. When I was in high school, I wanted to pursue a pharmaceutical degree. That changed around the age of 21, I wanted to pursue my AA degree in Medical Assisting. A few months later, I was thinking of something in the Criminal Justice area. Now, since I’ve become a Vision Therapist, I want to pursue a Kinesiology or Behavioral Health degree. Something that I can tie it to Vision Therapy. All I know is, I want to prove to myself that I can still graduate college, at 32, with four kids and a husband and still work to help support my family. I will talk it into existence, I will manifest my success into the Universe and I will be an amazingly, incredible, better version of myself. 

Time to finish us the last 9 seconds of this Warriors and Raptors game of the NBA Finals.

2019.05.19 *Long Post*

     So I’ve finally turned 32 years young this past Mother’s Day weekend. 6 Chengz is about to go through some serious changes and our emotions are just all over the place. My husband and I decided that we are moving and of course the teenagers are not happy about it. One is about to start middle school and the other will be entering junior year. Our twins are fine, because they’re still young so moving to them is an adventure. This will be a big adventure for all of us. This is the first time that my husband will be living pretty far from his folks too. Definitely more than an 45 minutes away. I just hope that the Universe keeps us in good, positive vibes through this transition.

     Honestly, my life isn’t that interesting but I can probably humor folks with my weeklies. I’m trying to be better at my blogs because this is basically my outlet. I made the decision this morning to just sign off of Instagram and Facebook, mainly the social media that my family mainly uses. It might be a temporary thing but I wanted to focus more on my books bucket list and my blogs instead of the toxicity of Insta and Facebook.

     One thing I do want to talk about is my depression, and how real it is for me. I try to keep a lot of things to myself, because frankly, they are better off unsaid. I also know that it's not a healthy practice. I hope that whoever reads this doesn't judge me too quickly and that talking about my depression is really hard for me to share, especially with my inner circle. I know I’m not the only mother and wife who goes through depression and it’s hard to find other mothers/wives or fathers.husbands who feel the same. So if you’re reading this and have felt the same or just want to say, ‘Hi’, please message me. We can keep in contact and check up on each other. I appreciate you!

                                         “It hurts to live.” 

     A sentence that I tell my husband a little more than I should. I’ve had depression since I was 14, Bipolar I since I was 18. I’ve made two suicidal attempts in the last 18 years. The last one was a decade ago. I tell you this because I’m okay with it. I’ve come to terms with what I’ve done and how I felt. My folks don’t like me talking about it, or even telling it to anyone, but it’s my story to tell.

     I was in a really bad place. I didn’t know how to handle being left with two kids. I didn’t know how to be my own person without my ex and I didn’t know how to deal with it. I honestly thought that death was my only option. That everyone around me was better off with me dead. I thought that my death would make my ex happy and that my kids would be fine without such a weak mother. I was happy and content with my life ending, not even considering what my loved ones would be going through if I had just killed myself. I was selfish but I felt free. I could feel my soul leaving me and I cried, knowing that I was finally feeling happy with my life....because it was slowly coming to an end. I was sure I was dead.

     3 days later, I open my eyes and see my dad by my hospital bed. I wanted to cry because we weren’t really on speaking terms. My parents got a divorce and haven’t spoken to him in almost 2 years. I also wanted to cry because I did NOT want to live. I did NOT want to be alive. I did NOT want to face my children. I did NOT want to explain to them why I was in the hospital. I didn't know how. I'm such a failure as a mother. I still think that I am.

Since then, I've been trying to cope with things. Trying how to contain my BP1D without medication (because I was scared of my past repeating itself). It's so hard to try and find an organic way to keep my body's chemistry balanced. 5 months after this incident, my husband and I made our friendship into a relationship (that’ll be another blog). He’s been the greatest support system. I’m so thankful for him.

Thanks for reading this far. I hope your days are positive and in good vibes

At 03:13 hrs, I am just awake. Could have been my late night trip to the loo or that I just needed to think with a concious mind. I honestly don't believe how 2018 passed by so quick, how the past 9 years have gone by so quickly it seems.

I still remember the feeling of finally being out of a really toxic relationship and just being a single mother of two. I still remember falling in love with my husband, being betrayed by him, and then falling back in love with him. I'm always falling in a deeper love with him every single day. I still remember that feeling when we were to be expecting twin boys. I still remember their births and my older twos excitement to help us care for their infant brothers. I still remember the death of my Grand Da as well as our time spent with him. He was always such a gentle soul for being a war veteran. I still remember planning our wedding, months before he officially proposed. I still remember my first 5 hour flight to Miami and cruise for the first time. I still remember (for the most part) our wedding and our honeymoon in Japan. I still remember the death of my 7 day old Nephew and Uncle. I still remember a change in career. I still remember turning 30 and partying like I was 21 (recovery was horrible). I still remember dark times with my child and didn't know how to help them. I felt helpless and scared of losing them. I still remember my daughter's first day of high school. I still remember our twins first day of school and our son's last year in elementary school.

I still remember so many important events in my life and have always wondered how I smiled through the joyous ones with my depression. I've been depressed through ALL of this. I've had chronic depression since I was 14. At 31 years young...I can honestly say that I didn't see my life past 16, almost didn't make it past 21.

As I count my blessings, I can say that I as truly blessed. I am truly loved and truly admired. I know 2019 will be an amazing year of positive change for me and I can only pray that it is.

A many things, yet again, has happened. 

March: Four year mark since my grand daddy passed away. He passed away from pancreatic cancer after fighting colon cancer just prior. We also had a few birthdays this month, including my best friend Johnny Boy and the late Chester Bennington. Johnny Boy’s murder and Chester’s suicide still gets to me and still is not easy accepting the fact that these two men are gone physically from this lifetime. 

April: One of my near and dear’s mother passed away due to a second stroke. She was a warrior and fought through breast cancer years prior and was always in high spirits. It was a pretty somber time but memories of her positive vibes kept my best friend and her family in the light.

My Husband took the twins to Hong Kong. One of the hardest 2 weeks of my life. I cried the first few nights without them. I would video chat with them everyday so that made them being so far away easier.

I attended my first COVD Annual Meeting and it was in Bellevue, Washington. It was an amazing experience. A step closer in my career and vision therapy journey. I was also able to hang out with a dear friend of mine. Always a great time when seeing friends.

My son took his first Eucharist. It’s such a huge milestone right now in his faith. I’m glad that he’s finally added this to faith.

May Highlights: I turned thirty-one and I felt merp about it. Really had to sit back and look back at my life’s journey. Things I have accomplished and the things that I still have yet to pursuit.

We also moved out of Union City to Fremont. It was such a sudden and stressful week. In one week, while my husband and I still had to work, we packed up and moved. So glad to be settled in a bit.

June Highlights: My oldest son, TJ, turned 11. Didn’t have a party but took him and his buddies out for some laser tag. 

One of my near and dear’s, one that I call one of my little sister, made the big move to the Islands to be with her husband. Pretty sad moment but she’s living her best life married now. So proud of her.

PRiDE SF was my 2nd highlight of June. Love the community, love the love.

July Highlights: My best friend finally married their soulmate. It was a civil ceremony and kind of last minute but I’m so happy that my husband made it happen for the both of us. Our oldest and ONLY daughter, JJ, turned 15. 

August Highlights: My mom turned another year old and the twins turned 5. We threw then an anime party it was so much fun.

I officially have a sophomore, 6th grader and two kindergartners. I also started college...again, yeay me!! --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  So that’s pretty much what’s been happening to me. Life. Still trying my hardest every single day to be the best that I can.