All Men Die; Not All Truly Live, Make Bold Choices

But we got too many adult-children running around with too much money, too much power/privilege, too many entitlement issues, too little emotional regulation skills, and not enough incentive to cut it out and give the real adults a break. So here we are.

And he said his feelings were real to him.

And her response, “It was real to you, because you knew the truth the whole time.” But that she didn’t, and thus, it was only a lie to her, and she hated all of their memories now.

I felt that deeply.

I said the same thing to you, after all, and for the same reasons.

“…our capacity to destroy one another is matched by our capacity to heal one another.”

“As we now know, war is not the only calamity that leaves human lives in ruins…Each year about three million children in the United States are reported as victims of child abuse and neglect. One million of these cases are serious and credible enough to force local child protective services or the courts to take action. In other words, for every soldier who serves in a war zone abroad, there are ten children who are endangered in their own homes…It is very difficult for growing children to recover when the source of terror pain is not enemy combatants but their own caretakers.”

And, in referencing the Rorschach tests which were performed on several groups of traumatized peoples, it was discovered that trauma affects one’s ability to use imagination.

“ Imagination is absolutely critical to the quality of our lives. Our imagination enables us to leave our routine every day existence by fantasizing about travel, sex, falling in love, or having the last word - all the things that make life interesting.  Imagination gives us the opportunity to envision new possibilities - It is an essential launchpad for making our hopes come true. It fires our creativity, relieves our boredom, alleviates our pain, enhances our pleasure, and enriches our most intimate relationships…Without imagination there is no hope, no chance to envision a better future, no place to go, no goal to reach.”

In layman’s words, one cannot begin to think of what they WANT, (vs. NEED), because they are either still stuck in their past traumas, or they are CURRENTLY, STILL living in an unsafe environment that deprives them of the safety that is needed PRIOR to BEGINNING to heal their trauma.

When you are stuck in trauma/traumatizing situations, your brain literally is UNABLE to utilize imagination, to hope, to dream. How can anyone accomplish such a feat when they are hyper-focused on just getting their basic human needs met, or even trying to merely stay alive. It’s actually quite a simple and utterly non-complex notion.

PTSD is a physical wound. The brain is literally broken. It’s not just “poor mental health.” Only ignorant people are so blasé about the seriousness of the condition. And, from my experience anyways, the twisted fact is that it is CHOSEN ignorance. Usually because it is beneficial to them to dismiss it. But that’s another topic entirely.

The very sad truth is, oftentimes, one person is unable to hope or want simply because another person has forced their own WANTS to superimpose the other’s NEEDS. Hardly seems fair, right?

One way I have personally tried to describe the quoted paragraph above, (granted, this was prior to reading this book, so now it makes all the more sense to me), is this:

I am treading water. I’ve been treading water. For years. During storms, in the face of tidal waves, even in the short-lived periods of calm in between, I am always treading water. Trying to keep my head above the water. Trying to survive. I rarely found the time, let alone energy, to consider, “Which direction would I swim in if i was gifted with a long-enough duration of calm? Where would I even go? And what if I go in the wrong direction?” And even then, as I type this out for the first time, I recognize that my brain was still locked in survival mode, when I would try to see past the idea of endless treading. “What if I don’t go in the right direction” really meant “What if I use my last ounces of remaining stamina to head SOMEWHERE, and then I never find a shoreline? Then I’m dead anyways.”

There were never thoughts of, “when I get to shore…”

There were never thoughts like, “I can’t wait to finally reach my island destination and lay out in the sun.”

When people tell me I should start thinking about what I want to do next, now that I’ve “escaped”, my brain feels like it’s hitting a cement wall. What do you mean, what I want? I still don’t have enough money for food, I’m still waiting on disability, and even once I get it, it’s less than minimum wage, and I still have all these medical bills.”

And just like back then, just as he failed in his attempt, so did you. I got away; you stole NOTHING from me, in the end.

I’m watching “MAID” with my roommate. Been watching it. It’s so good. So terribly accurate, so terribly validating. So good. It walks people through what it’s like, how it starts, what it looks like from the outside, if you don’t know the signs to look for. Or are too self-involved to notice them.

One thing I’ve learned from my own life patterns is that of Boundaries, and what not having them, not UNDERSTANDING them, can do to a person. Not knowing how to detach with love, not knowing how to jump in and try to save someone from themselves, how to fix things for other people, I could go on and on. Not realizing that it was killing me, and for what? These people never wanted to “see the light” or “get better.” I was a free maid to clean up their messes, and they didn’t have to change bc I was bearing their consequences.

And God forbid when I would see what was going on, AGAIN, and try to THEN put up boundaries. Or like…escape.

My latest “efforts” led to a literal hostage situation, not unlike what you see in episode 8 of the series. Sprinkle in some actual physical violence though. Or having food withheld from me. I deserved it though, right? The punishment? For trying to save myself for a change? Deciding that I wasn’t going to be used and manipulated and taken advantage of? I was selfish. I deserved it.

The worst part is, he really believed what he was saying.

The night I was sexually assaulted by him, his reasons were good ones. I didn’t want him taking the internet away - the modem and router that was under my name, and mine alone. It didn’t matter that he had a history of destroying property. I was “taking his power away” by trying to protect my credit that I had just built back up from the previous tyrant I threw my life away to.

Silver lining? Having a history of being assaulted teaches you a few life or death street smarts. That’s how I got away.

Everyone always says, “it could have been so much worse though.”

Read that again. That’s like someone saying that to you after you just lost your entire home to a fire. Yes, you’re right, I could have also gone up in flames, but how is that comforting when everything else did? I should be NOT sad bc of that?

Mind you, not once have I heard that kind of BS “comfort” from another actual survivor. Bc they know. They know that it was just one night of hell. Children usually start with hissy fits BEFORE they smash their toys.

Usually. This person, however, skipped straight to rape. I thought I had time bc he hadn’t given me a black eye yet.

Why did I have to get a black eye first? I couldn’t tell you. Other than the fact that I was waiting on a disability claim, couldn’t work, had no money, and he knew all of that. Yet he still spread rumors to my family, months in advance, just in case i revealed any secrets about the actual hell he was putting me through back then.