jade, lately

thirty feels less like an ending and more like finally coming home to myself.

i spent so many years surviving things i never spoke about out loud, carrying grief in quiet places, loving people harder than i ever loved myself, waiting for life to begin while watching it pass me by. but somewhere along the way, the hurting softened. the ache stopped feeling permanent. and for the first time in a long time, i can finally say i am at peace.

so this is what turning thirty means to me:

not losing my youth,

but finding myself.

i am no longer begging to be chosen, understood, or enough for people who could not hold me gently. i am no longer shrinking to fit into places that only loved me conditionally. i have made peace with the versions of me that only knew how to survive.

and now, i want more.

more laughter.

more softness.

more love that does not leave scars.

more mornings that feel light.

more life.

maybe my story did not begin the way i hoped it would. maybe it took me thirty years to become someone i could finally recognize in the mirror. but i think there is something beautiful about arriving late and still arriving whole.

life begins for me now.

the golden days of victories and fame have put my name out there, where people hung on to every word I wrote. I was the poet. I was the writer. until i chose to put down the pen to bring my ghosts to rest.

happy May 1st.