rabbit hole

My last post was before my ex and I got back together. It’s now been 3 months since she left me again. I have never loved anyone so much. I have been doing a wicked intensive self care plan: Therapy 1xwk Physical therapy 2xwk (5-6hrs) Occupational therapy every other wk Psychiatric nurse 1x month Massage 2x month Reiki Acupuncture 3xmonth Scraping 3xmonth Cupping 3xmonth Naturopath 1x month Allopath 2xmonth Meditation 2x daily Chanting 3x daily Yoga 1xday Eye dr Dentist Astrological readings Tarot readings Burning stuff Night walks I quit smoking I’m still working to be completely vegan and keto I’ve lost almost 20 lbs I’m working on cleaning up my finances I bought a new truck I moved I purged a bunch of stuff I have an almost normal sleeping schedule I watch almost no tv/media again I’m not online half as much as I had been I got diagnosed with ADHD, anxiety, depression and ocd. My ocd and adhd battle it out and kinda balance one another. But my anxiety and depression seem to root for one another. Now I take meds...I’ve tried 2 so far and have to do an ekg to see if I can take adhd meds. I haven’t gone yet cause I feel like my heart is so broken that they can tell...logically I know that can’t be but it feels that way. I found a business partner A land owner An investor in my business plan I’m going to start doing somatic and hakomi healing modalities. I figured out some of my codependency. I pick people who remind me of my dad: addicts, alcoholics, narcissists, wounded broken people who can’t love me back as much as they want and I want. I fear getting feedback that I’m like my dad. I refuse to leave even though I should. I’m scared to be alone. I have a hard time being present with my feelings and feeling them because I logically look at them. I’m so focused on being productive that it’s distracted me from feeling my feelings....so I can’t even let them go cause I haven’t held them to let them go...I’ve just been pushing them to the side for work, friends, appts, job applications etc. It’s been unbelievablely hard to love someone so much. To have to force myself to be ok with it because it’s not good for us to be together. ...but all I want to do is be with her and have it work. I’m going back to running. I’m contemplating CrossFit. I’m going to a silent meditation retreat. And I’ve even contemplated moving to a different state to give myself a fresh start and to give her her hometown back. I still need to purge more stuff. I’d like to halve it again....at least. I shouldn’t live with a partner. If I do it needs to be at least 1 chill year together. We have to go to couples therapy We have to do our homework I won’t combine finances Everyone pays their share and it has to be written down...nothing open for building resentments No gifts for 6 months Parenting plan must be together and have nothing to do with me Parenting classes are a must:and without me. We both need to go to 1 on 1 therapy at least biweekly Our communication has to be good. Practice imago and gottman. Nonviolent We need well rounded consistent and frequent intimacy of all sorts. We have to verbalize and write down boundaries. I need to socialize OUTSIDE the relationship alone. I hope this lets up.