.

“Not like I want to and definitely not in public” Shawn laughed, not wanting to make Jackson feel bad, but he wished they could just make out and touch him a little more, things that were definitely saved for the privacy of their own places. “But you look adorable, why would you hide?” Shawn nodded at his suggestion “Do you think he’s wearing something fun or is he coming as Noah?” Because it would be fun to see him dressed up as a character or something. “I’d love to, I already love Beth so we can make sure to take the lead in the conversation if you need it, but also letting you socialize, like,you know, just be there to fill any potential awkward silences? I think it’s a great idea”

He knew Shawn didn’t mean it like that... but everytime he (or anyone, for that matter) mentioned his difficulty to handle PDA, he would grow self conscious. It was no one’s fault but his own, and no matter how hard he was trying to overcome his difficulties, it always seemed like it wasn’t enough for others. “Because it’s Noah. You don’t understand that because you are the annoying older brother... that’s Noah to me.” He chuckled, then pointed to the hood of his onesie. “And I’m dressed like this. He won’t stop annoying me. But he said he and Beth were matching outfits, he just didn’t tell me what he was coming as.” And even though he had met Beth quite a few times, it seemed like Shawn was the one always talking to her. “I--socialize enough with Noah. I don’t know... I guess I want us to do more things together that don’t involve us sexing each other up?” Jackson laughed softly, lowering his head a little because he felt embarrassed. “I figured you’d like that too? Us hanging out with other couples? Maybe we can have dinner with Thomas and his girlfriend? Or your brother and his---is he seeing anyone? Anyway... I meant us going out more often with other people.”

“A little annoying” Shawn pouted, his boyfriend, his amazing boyfriend was being the most supportive and understanding man in the entire world and here he was, lashing out on him when he had no blame in any of this. He gave him a small smile, because it was easy to forget whatever was on his mind when Jackson was in front of him, dressed as a silly character just because Shawn had wanted to match, and yes, he was lucky, he wouldn’t let anything ruin it. “Maybe? I mean, I just want an excuse to touch you a little, but we could also go sit on a couch or get some fresh air, I’m up for anything as long as it’s with you”

“You can touch me.” Jackson replied with a soft chuckle as he reached up and gently brushed his knuckles against his boyfriend’s cheek for a second, before dropping his hands back to his sides. “Let’s get these drinks and go find a place to sit, then. Apparently Noah’s on his way, so I should probably start hiding.” He chuckled, before sipping on his drink. “Also... I’ve been thinking... this is probably something you’d like, but would you be interested in one of those double dates sort of things? With Noah and his girlfriend. I can use it as an excuse to make him socialize more. But also I can use it as an excuse to socialize more myself.”

Shawn was really upset, there was no doubt about that, but he focused on Jackson’s hands on his and tried to let this go. “I get it, this is not the place” He didn’t mean to sound annoyed, but he was, and the fact that Jackson kept pointing that out didn’t really help. “I know it’s not fair and that’s why I wanted to talk to them” He took a deep breath, because it wasn’t fair to lash out on Jackson now when he was the only good thing and he didn’t want to mess it up. “Can we just forget about Rissa for tonight and just enjoy ourselves? I’m sorry I’m upset and I don’t want to be annoyed or annoying to you, you don’t deserve any of this. We should have fun, together. I don’t even know if you like dancing, do you like dancing?”

Jackson realized he wasn’t helping when Shawn lashed out on him, so he figured he should just shut up and let Shawn do his thing... even if it was sulking about his best friend. He wasn’t really good at getting emotional and comforting as well, so he just---tried his best. “You’re not annoying.” He said while letting go of his boyfriend’s hands in order to rub his shoulders in a gentle way. “But we can do whatever you want.” Jack offered him a smile. Despite the fact that he wasn’t much of a dancer, but he would still try and go there so that Shawn would feel less upset about this whole ordeal. “I can dance. Do you want to dance?”

“They keep avoiding me, this is the first time I see them since the opening of the restaurant, I guess I’m so eager to fix whatever is wrong between us that I just… fuck, I just want them to talk to me” Shawn was frustrated, with Rissa and with himself because this was not the right place, Jackson was right, but if they kept avoiding him, when would he find the right time to talk? “You need to understand that before meeting you we were always together, when I say they’re my soulmate I don’t lie, but there’s been this… distance between us and the only thing that has changed is us dating, so I don’t know, I thought maybe they were hurt by it or… I don’t know, I really don’t know and it upsets me so much” Because he missed them, he wanted to share his happiness with them. “Like hyper, not weed high… maybe they took something, I don’t know. I should call Jordan, maybe they know more about them than I do” Which wouldn’t surprise him since Rissa decided to cut him completely out of their life these past months.

“I understand that.” Jackson nodded, holding both of his boyfriend’s hands and giving them a light squeeze. “But this is not the place, Shawn. Do you really want to have a serious conversation at a club? I understand that you miss them... I know how important they are to you, but this is not the place.” It wasn’t like Jackson didn’t want them to talk... by all means, he wanted to see Shawn happy, so of course he wanted for them to patch things up, but somewhere else would be better, right? He wasn’t crazy, was he? “Okay, but Shawn? That’s not fair to you. That’s not fair of them to push you away because you stopped dedicating all of your time to them. You deserve to focus on yourself. And didn’t you say they were dating as well? Then maybe they were just in their honeymoon phase too.” Jackson wished there were other ways to help his boyfriend because he hated seeing Shawn this frustrated and upset about something. It upset him too. “Call Jordan tomorrow. Or---I don’t know. Would they be here too? Just... I just wished you hadn’t seen your friend because now this is going to consume you all evening and well... you seemed excited for this party.”

Shawn sighed, Jackson’s touch on his hand did help him calm down, but he was still so upset over everything. “I know, but they’ve been avoiding me and ghosting me and it’s not like I’ve had any other chance to talk to them” Finally, between his arms, he really did feel better, but he was also worried about Jackson. “I’m fine, baby, really” He assured him, so he wouldn’t feel pressured to do anything he didn’t feel comfortable with. “They might feel like I’ve abandoned them? They said they did it for me to be happy, to give me space, I think… I think they might be upset because of us? But I don’t know if I’m reading too much into it, they were dating too and… yeah, they seemed high, but like… a different kind of high?”

“But this is a party, Shawn...” Jackson tried again. “You’re trying to have a serious conversation with flashing lights in the background and having to shout over the music... it’s... it’s not the right place, baby.” Jackson knew his boyfriend was already upset, so of course he didn’t want to add up to Shawn’s feelings, which was why he tried to measure his words. He also knew that Shawn wasn’t fine, but was grateful for the opportunity to let go of him, sticking to holding his hand, which was something he grew comfortable with. “Upset because of us? But---I don’t get it. Did I do something for them not to like me? I mean... you’re happy, right? Shouldn’t they be happy that you’re happy?” He asked, fairly confused. “What do you mean by a different kind of high?”

Seeing Jackson right after talking to Rissa was like a blessing. He immediately went towards him, wanting to wrap his arms around him and just hide his face against his neck but he was too conscious of Jackson not being comfortable with public displays of affection so he just nodded, although it was obvious he couldn’t hide how affected he was. “I’m… I’m okay, I’m just upset. Rissa’s here” Like that would explain it, right? “We argued, I don’t know why they’re being so…. they’re pushing me away, they’ve been doing it for a while so I confronted them and well, didn’t go well, obviously”

Jackson smiled when he saw Shawn approaching him. He’d been looking for his boyfriend for a bit now, but once the lights hit Shawn’s face, he could see that he didn’t look too happy. “Hey... is everything okay?” He furrowed his brows, setting both of their drinks on the nearby tall table. “Shawn, what happened?”

“Well, I have no shame, honestly, I’m not embarrassed easily and even when I know Danny wouldn’t let me off the hook, I would call my baby Rissa and they would take care of me” Because Danny would probably doubt between doing the right thing and keeping his brother locked, while Rissa would bring their star power and get his ass out of jail in no time. He quickly followed him, not minding to walk without his hands laced because he knew it would take time for Jackson to get used to those things. He smiled when they were inside and he finally reached out for him, he had been missing his touch. “I could use a drink, yes, but kiss me first”

“I don’t, and I’m pretty sure there are tons of people like me, you know” He chuckled, wondering if he should joke with being like a vampire or if that would be too much out of character for him. “She fully supports them, always made sure to save something for me without garlic on” Because his mom was a gift from heaven, of course. “You’re in love?” That was new, they had been talking about Shawn for a long time but the L word hadn’t been involved. “She doesn’t seem to mind that we are not having sex, which is a great thing because she’s super patient. I’m just struggling with intimacy a little, but hopefully it will be fixed”

“I’ll remind you that I wasn’t raised in a Korean home so shut up” So yeah, maybe it was very white american from him not to like garlic but he didn’t grow up in Korean traditional home and his mom, bless her, never forced him to eat anything with garlic so yeah, he had a different and not so refined taste. He did smile though, because it was nice to see Jackson just relaxed and fooling around, even if that meant he was insulting him, well, kind of.  “Oh, okay, I mean, I’m not against express weddings, I just didn’t think yours would be this fast” He explained, shrugging. “I do want to have sex, though, like, I want it to be a thing, I remember how having sex was like and I want it in my life”

“I wish there was a way” He knew how to recognize some signs but whenever those signs appeared it was already too hard. “Yeah, time is a good thing” Noah said as he tried the food. He already knew Shawn was a great cook so it didn’t surprise him when the food tasted absolutely amazing. “He remembered I don’t like garlic” He commented with a soft smile, since it was common for Shawn to notice those small things. “I guess, I don’t know, whenever I try something new I’ll let you know if it worked or not” Not to gossip about it but because he knew Jackson would like to know if he managed to overcome his issues. “Are you for real?” He asked, since he had been kidding about the wedding. “You’ll be invited but I need to have sex with my girlfriend before even thinking about a more permanent plan for the future”

Shawn smiled against his lips, moving back to his seat and liking how they were still holding hands, even when Jackson was driving it was nice to feel like he didn’t want to let go. “Oh doll, trust me, you want me to behave, you don’t want to get arrested for public indecency inside your car” He warned him because if he didn’t behave, he would end up doing more than kissing Jackson inside his car.

“Well, Beth knows I don’t like showing my leg, and that whenever someone touches me I… well, it’s very uncomfortable. But to me, it’s more of being scared of losing control, more than having one thing that makes me think of it, I’m just scared of those moments where I lose track of reality and I don’t really know how to anticipate those” They happened more often in his dreams, and whenever his heart rate went too high, he could start hyperventilating and just confusing reality from his mind. “She tries, I guess I’m just not as open as you to overcome this, not because I don’t want to but because it’s been so long that I haven’t tried anything different” He sighed, starting to feel frustrated since he didn’t like talking of these things. “Well, your life seems to be going well, when’s the wedding?”

“I would never” He assured Jackson because he really cared about Noah and respected his privacy too much to even bring up a subject that Noah hadn’t shared himself. Jackson was great, and one of the things Shawn liked the most was how every time they met and every time they talked he kept learning more and more about him, and more important, he absolutely loved everything the other shared. It was like he fell harder for him every second and Shawn wasn’t scared if falling at all.  He leaned in, pressing a kiss on Jackson’s cheek because it was the only thing he could do in that moment and he was getting very excited about heading to his place. “Bless you, it’s hard to just behave around you”

“You know, I always cook with love when I know Noah is stopping by the apartment but next time I’ll make sure to add some extra love without him knowing” He said softly because he couldn’t imagine a life where Noah hadn’t done what he did. Thomas would be heartbroken if he lost his brother and Shawn… well, now that Jackson was part of his life he didn’t want to imagine how it would be like without him. “I have no idea how he must feel but maybe there will come a day when he’ll realize what a lucky man he is for having his life now. Eventually, I hope he gets to feel like that” Because honestly, he could never put himself in Noah’s shoes, so he didn’t want to say anything wrong.  “Could you? You shouldn’t say those things, now I won’t shut up” He warned him, smiling as he nodded at his conclusion. “Yes, pretty much it” He said as he got inside the car.

“Yes. Just be extra careful with the ‘him not knowing’ part, because the last thing any of us want is for people to pity us. Especially Noah.” And his lieutenant had done such a great deal of progress already, he didn’t want Noah to backtrack because of something that he’d said. Jackson did not elaborate on what Shawn said next because that wasn’t his life to speculate over. Sure, he wished all the best to Noah... he always would do that, but it was up to Noah to decide whether he was lucky or not, or any of those things that Shawn was saying. He did hope that Noah felt better and that he could be genuinely happy. Luckily, they changed the subject. Jackson was getting turned on and he didn’t want to be in that state while discussing Noah... it would be too traumatizing to him. “Too bad I just did, right?” With a smile on his face, he sat behind the wheel and waited for Shawn to join him, his hand landing on the other man’s thigh as he turned on the car. “I guess it’s a good thing I don’t live too far from here, right?”

“And that’s okay, it’s valid, it’s part of who you are, just, don’t give it more importance that the one it has. That doesn’t define you, you know? You’re so much more than that” Noah assured him, speaking honestly because in his book, Jackson was one of the most amazing and loyal men he knew. “It’s hard for me to do that, not because I don’t trust her, but every time I talk about it I relive it and… it’s tiring and it fucks me up” So opening up tired him, emotionally, and he had such a hard time with it. His knee was already a constant reminder, talking about it didn’t help. “Yeah, I think that I see it, you know? The progress. And it has taken time, and time is all I have, I have lots of time, I’m not in a rush”

Jackson chuckled a bit at his friend’s words, especially since he could definitely see himself saying those exact same words to Noah when it came to his leg and his accident, but then again, people dealt with their own traumas and problems on their own way, so he didn’t think he had the right to say anything to Noah in the first place. “It’s not about trust... it’s about you letting someone go through that trauma with you. Like... Shawn knows that driving past a construction sight will make me grip the wheel harder because the sound of jackhammers make me uncomfortable. Whenever we do, he takes my hand... or he touches me... it makes em feel better.” He shared. “It’s been... it’s been nice. Knowing that I’m not alone in this. And I know I have you and some of the guys. I know we all know what we went through, but it feels so good to know that someone who doesn’t even know what I went through is willing to just reach out and make me feel less uncomfortable.” But he guessed that things were different to Noah. “We all have lots of time. We’re alive and we’re here, man... our lives might not be ideal, but we’re here. It’s more than some of our friends had.”