may 🪽

Dean woke up covered in sweat for the third time this week.

He was used to nightmares, but lately he couldn’t remember them. All he knew was that he woke up with a sense of anxiety that he just couldn’t shake. He walked to the bathroom to splash his face with cold water before going for a walk around the bunker.

Despite the lights being off, Dean could sense someone’s presence in the kitchen. He figured Sam was up doing research, or Jack was wandering around again.

What he didn’t expect to see was Castiel sitting at the counter, presumably deep in thought. Castiel shifted lightly and slowly lifted his head as Dean walked in.

“Dean.” Castiel said Dean’s name as gentle as a prayer. It was less of an address, and more of a way to acknowledge his presence.

“Hey Cas” Dean replied, sleep still lingering in his voice. “What are you doing up?”

“I don’t sleep” replied Castiel.

“Right” Dean replied softly, aware of his mistake. He didn’t know why he was suddenly so nervous, it was just Cas. He talked to Cas all the time. It just usually wasn’t late at night and in his pajamas. “Guess I’m just not used to seeing you wander around.”

“I’m sorry” replied Castiel, “I was just thinking.”

“Oh yeah, me too” replied Dean “lots of… thinking.”

Why was he so nervous?

“You seem distressed” Castiel said, breaking the brief silence.

“I’m fine” said Dean, reflecting on why he was awake in the first place. He couldn’t remember his dream, but he felt so shaken.

“You know, you can talk to me Dean” said Castiel, highly aware of how much Dean kept hidden.

“I’d rather not” replied Dean, desperate to end this conversation and go back to being on his own. Just as Dean started to turn away, Castiel called after him.

“I’ve been around humans long enough to know that we all need… somebody” Castiel said, unsure if he was making sense, or if Dean was even listening.

“Somebody to listen to us,” he continued, “somebody to listen to. It’s okay to need someone Dean.”

“Yeah well, I’m not like that” said Dean, still trying to avoid conversation, and still unaware of why he felt so unsettled. “I’m better off on my own.”

“You’re not, Dean,” said Castiel, once again roping Dean back in. “You love and care for people so deeply, even those you don’t know. You’ve spent your entire life saving people, helping people… why won’t you let anyone help you?”

Dean was speechless, a rare occasion for him. He found himself wanting to open up to Castiel. He wanted to tell him about all of his fears and nightmares. He wanted to tell Castiel how he viewed him with so much grace, how he thought he was more pure and beautiful than Dean could ever be— and that scared him. So he stayed quiet.

“I’m fine Cas, really” was all he said, unsure of how else to proceed.

“Well, if you change your mind, you know where to find me” Castiel replied before Dean walked away.

Dean felt gutted at the loss of Castiel’s presence, but he couldn’t stand to be around him any longer, as if he might literally let all of his guts spill out if he stayed around.

He spent a while tossing and turning while reflecting on his conversation with Castiel, until he finally fell asleep.

Although he could barely remember it when he woke, he dreamed of green eyes, and a gentle touch from someone he couldn’t quite place.