riri

THE MUSIC WAS BLASTING THROUGH THE SPEAKERS, booming in a way that had you questioning whether you’d leave this party without a burst eardrum. the air carrying cologne and perfume and hints of alcohol from people willing to live in the moment and no care for the consequences the next morning.

and you were there, sitting on a couch god knows how many people made out on, swirling a red cup around that a random girl asked you to hold onto as you watched the night unfold.

you were never really a party girl.

you didn’t like the creeps that hit on you with a date waiting in the corner nor did you like the sight of couples making out in every place you looked. the way parties made the chaos in your head so much louder than it needed to be.

but you sat through it all. the excitement and the bodies that swayed against each other. the acts of intoxication people would either flex or regret. the one person that didn’t seem to focus on what was happening before them.

“need company?”

ahn keonho happened to be them.

he had that smirk he always did, the classic frat boy grin that seemed to be the cherry on top for the stereotypes they claimed they didn’t fit. he just happened to be tolerable.

he was leaning towards you against the arm he had pressed into the cushion, his eyes fixated upon you like you were some mystery that needed solving. you were, maybe. to yourself at least.

the air was all of a sudden thicker.

“no. but i know you’ll stay.”

“how can you be so sure?” he questioned, his grin sitting perfectly on his lips.

“you’re looking at me like you have no intention of leaving.” you murmured, your eyes finding his despite the darkness of the room.

the blue and purple lights outlined his face in all the right places, his stupidly attractive face something you found oddly guilty for being entranced by.

“is that a problem?” he asked once again, rather smug. it was almost like a challenge. a test to see how far he could get with you. a press on one of your buttons.

“what makes you think that?”

“you’re looking at me like it could be.”

“and if it’s not?” you raised an eyebrow.

“then we’ll be the sober ones tonight.” he plopped down next to you, his arm shamelessly draping on the couch behind your head. his hand ghosted over your shoulder, not really there yet but close enough for the both of you to know what this was.

your nose was attacked by the distinct scent of his cologne.

then after a beat of silence.

“why are you alone?” he asked curiously.

“not the party girl.” you replied dryly.

“why are you here?” he turned to look at you.

“friend dragged me along.” you didn’t turn, not yet.

“where is she?”

“probably eating a dude’s face off.”

he paused at the disgust in your tone, amusement crossing his features.

“you not into that?” he raised an eyebrow.

“don’t know what i’m into anymore.” you finally looked at him, resignation in your voice.

“you look like a girl that’s sure of what she wants for herself.” keonho said, tilting his head at you.

“do i?” you asked, more to yourself than to him.

“to me you do.” he looked away.

for some reason, it had this undertone you didn’t really understand.

maybe it was meant to stay that way, unfinished.

“i don’t think i’ve found it yet.”

“we all do eventually.”

“you’re sure of yourself.” you said with a teasing lilt.

“mm-mm, just sure of fate.” he shakes his head, certainty laced in his tone.

“you believe in that?” you raised your eyebrows, seemingly shocked.

ahn keonho believing in fate. the playboy of the century.

you just happened to learn a new thing or two everyday.

“you know you do.” he looked at you like he knew you. and somehow that was worse than your being there at that party.

“just need someone to give me that hope.”

silence fell between you two. what continued to fill the air was the indistinct chatter of fights and laughter. muffled bass from the songs you couldn’t remember the name of playing.

and that undeniable tension between you two that grew quicker than you had intended for.

no one spoke after that.

you could just feel his stare. unwavering.

and you could both feel the beginning of something you weren’t quite sure you were ready for.

KEONHO THOUGHT HE WAS GOING CRAZY. since that party, since whatever was in the air that night, he just saw you everywhere. it was like all of a sudden you were this familiar part of his life and he barely knew you.

but you were always alone.

he saw you on the benches sometimes, drawing in a notebook. alone. he’d find you at the pool before swim practice. alone. he’d find you in the library reading those old books people didn’t touch. the ones that had a cloud of dust if they were hit hard enough.

then he saw seonghyeon with you soon enough. his friend.

it struck him for some reason. every time he saw you two walking together in all the places where you were alone, it made his chest tighten with this feeling he didn’t want to identify.

jealousy.

seonghyeon wasn’t a good guy. he had a bunch of girls lined up, waiting for him, and he played them all. he broke their hearts then moved onto the next.

he never committed to anything serious. feelings were like a game to him. a dirty game. girls knew. they knew he was trouble. everyone did.

yet one smirk had them caught up in his web. and soon enough, someone was asking him what they were while another girl was waiting for their chance.

you didn’t seem to be like those girls to keonho. you were different.

that night at the party. he wasn’t sure what it was about you. maybe it was the fact that you made ahn keonho think about you at night.

he usually didn’t bother himself with girls. when he did, it was just to give them the “five seconds of fame” they wanted. cause being with ahn keonho was like winning the lottery for some odd reason.

though he wouldn’t really date himself.

but he could only think about the cherry red lip gloss you wore. the way it shimmered. the way your hair framed your face in a way that made you look like something to chase after. your solitude.

he just wasn't used to girls being aloof. maybe that’s what was memorable about you.

keonho thought maybe you weren’t someone that would find themselves trapped in seonghyeon’s orbit. he didn’t want you to be.

he didn’t think you were his. he just felt it in the way you looked at him like you knew all the answers to questions he didn’t realise were there.

but you were there, a soft smile on your lips as you looked up at seonghyeon, that charming smirk plastered across his face.

you were going to get hurt. be like every girl he’s ever played. just another one of seonghyeon’s girls he wouldn’t chase after when it was all over. no matter how many times he said you meant something to him.

he would always replace you and the cycle would repeat itself until seonghyeon felt his heart beat for someone.

keonho wondered if that day would ever come.

“thought you’d be here with seonghyeon.”

“hm?” you hummed like you didn’t hear him.

“why are you alone?” he asked, his knee brushing yours as he sat down.

“he’s busy.” of course he was. he was feeding another girl some words he was going to tell you later.

“with what?” he raised an eyebrow. it was a test.

“he’s your friend.” you finally looked at him, your face softer than at that party.

“why do you hang out?” he blurted out.

curiosity killed the cat, they say.

“well, you’re curt.” you muttered, looking at him from your peripheral.

“i asked a question.” he said, rather firm.

“why’s that any of your business, keonho?” you turned to him fully, defensiveness in your tone.

here we go. what excuse were you going to use?

“because i can see it in your eyes.”

“see what?” you were playing dumb.

“that void you’re trying to fill. you think seonghyeon is the answer.” he murmured, more of an accusation than a statement.

you opened your mouth to deny it but nothing fell out. just that stare. he could see it. the way it narrowed like you were fuming then went back to normal like you had accepted it.

part of you knew he was right. but everyone has pride. and you weren’t going to admit it.

even with that soft smile when he saw you two together, it never really reached your eyes. it seemed like something you had to use to prove seonghyeon could change.

despite himself, keonho seemed to care about you in a way words couldn’t define. it wasn’t something you’d be able to tell immediately. it was just there.

he could see it in your eyes and in all the times seonghyeon had his arm around your waist that you weren’t happy. you were trying to be.

but you just weren’t.

and you looked like you were trying to figure keonho out. you couldn’t. he was odd in that way.

“there’s no void.” you finally muttered. you sounded like you were trying to convince yourself more than the boy in front of you.

“eh.”

“seriously.” you nodded. even you couldn’t believe your words.

“taking it with a grain of salt.” it sounded like mockery. it probably was.

“don’t talk like you know me.” defense mode back on.

“don’t act like seonghyeon will change for you. trust me. he won’t.” he looked at you once more, your eyes darker. your walls were coming up.

“you don’t know that.” come on, y/n. you’re better than this.

“i know him well enough, y/n,” his voice raised. he could see the subtle shock in your eyes. even he was surprised by himself. “don’t be stupid like everybody else.” he mumbled, looking at his feet.

“why? because i’m different?” you had figured him out, a little.

“to me you are.” there it was. those stupid words that made your heart constrict. the way he spoke like you meant something to him and you had basically just met.

“don’t you have a girl to kiss before swim practice?” you tilted your head at him. he couldn’t know what those words meant to you.

“probably.” now he was being cool.

“is it me?” and you were being curt. he almost choked on nothing.

you?

he thought back to that lip gloss you had on at that party. how many times had seonghyeon kissed it off? maybe you wore a different one just for him.

“hm.” he didn’t know what the right answer was.

“you’re considering it?” you caught him. he was considering it. how would your lips taste?

he’d just ask seonghyeon.

“eh.” now he was trying to be cool.

“you’re weird.” you let out a huff, one that sounded like a laugh, shaking your head.

“you’re weirder.” he tilted his head at you.

“fair.” you pressed your lips in a tight line.

after a beat of silence.

“i know seonghyeon won’t change. i just have hope, that’s all.” he could hear it. that hope. you wanted him to feel something. the odds wouldn’t work in your favour unfortunately.

“don’t get them up then. you’ll hurt yourself.” he knew you weren’t going to look at him when he said that.

so, somehow, his fingers were turning your face to him. one breath and he’d know what seonghyeon got to experience every day.

not now.

“i think i already have.” your eyes were wide. your cheeks dusted light pink. you were flustered. a new look on you.

could keonho be seonghyeon for a day?

“hm. gotta go.” he let go quickly, slinging his duffel bag over his shoulder as he sprang up.

he had to go before he felt himself blushing.

“i was right.”

“yeah, about swim practice.”

“no girls?” you asked.

“no girls.” he shook his head.

“liar.” your eyes narrowed playfully.

“kiss you later, y/n.” he winked at you, running off.

“weirdest!” you called out, a smile gracing your lips.

he was grinning too, you just weren’t supposed to see it. but he knew that you knew he was smiling.

seonghyeon was there after all.

but something about you made him think that maybe there was a lot more to the story. seonghyeon was just a mere fraction of it.

YOU DIDN’T KNOW WHY YOU WERE STILL WAITING AROUND FOR HIM. why seonghyeon was still apart of your life. wait! that was another lie. you did know. you had a void. keonho knew it too. you didn’t like his perceptiveness.

seonghyeon said no strings attached. no labels. he was speaking more for himself than he was for you. he knew you’d come back to him each time, desperately. that’s how he liked it. because your constant presence was a guarantee. he didn’t have to question whether you come back or not after an argument but the answer was already there.

he had the easy job. telling you wanted to hear, stringing you along then breaking your heart into pieces. he didn’t care about what mess he’d turn your life into.

it was his satisfaction.

yet somehow you fell victim to his sweet little words and the kisses he was probably giving someone else after school hours. just like you. you were quite used to it. the line “no strings attached.” very used to it actually. way too used to it.

you didn’t know how many seonghyeons have come in and out of your life, destroying every bit of effort you put into reversing the damage of the last. or what you said would be the last. your broken heart was just waiting to take another hit from the next person.

for as long as you remembered, you never had anything serious with boys. the universe hated you in that way. how many times you’ve said, “what are we?” you didn’t know. how many times you tried to get yourself together? you didn’t know.

how many times that you’d felt like a pathetic little idiot? a lot. you didn’t have the numbers.

each time you promised yourself that you wouldn’t let another guy hurt you again, it was another crack in your heart. another blow to the very few remnants of your dignity.

you lost the light in you. a long time ago. you were fucked up. beyond it probably.

you just wished that seonghyeon would give you a definite answer. that maybe it wasn’t really over. maybe he’d kiss you and tell you that he loved you. or maybe it would just be another point to ahn keonho.

one knock on his door. he didn’t answer.

another. maybe he was out.

third, harsh. the door was moving with you.

it was already open. someone was inside.

maybe he just didn’t hear you come inside.

the dorm was a mess. as always.

you didn’t like the silence. as you stepped closer and closer, you could hear it. loud and clear. the laughter, her giggles.

his voice. he was whispering something to her. it felt like déjà vu. you didn’t want it to be real. you really wanted it to be all in your head this time.

the door was open slightly, like they were asking to be caught. you saw it. he was smiling at her. she was on his lap. it wasn’t you. then they kissed. just like he did with you.

you couldn’t bear it.

the tears were falling faster than you could blink. and suddenly your feet were taking control. your breaths were uneven, your cheeks wet with tears you didn’t think would end.

you ignored the pain in your legs, how pathetic you probably looked. you wanted to keep running. you didn’t want to stop until you left it all behind.

you wanted to erase seonghyeon from your memory, from your life.

you wanted to forget how good of a kisser he was, how his words made you run back each and every single time you told yourself that you wouldn’t.

you didn’t have to ask what you were. that was a stupid question. you knew exactly what you were. just another one of eom seonghyeon’s girls.

and just another stupid girl that chased after something that wasn’t ever there.

another point of ahn keonho.

you knew you’d go back to him. you did. seonghyeon worked like that. and you felt so stupid for crying. why waste your tears on him of all people? all it took was one text and you’d be back in his dorm, kissing him till he was all you could think about.

he wasn’t the one you had to change. it was you. you knew that a long time ago. it was easier to ignore it than let it be known.

you were alone. you needed to escape now. just forget about him for the time being.

and maybe break this cycle for once.

THE WATER SLOSHED GENTLY AS YOU MOVED YOUR LEGS, cold on your skin. you’d get used to it. it gets warm just after a little while, right after you forget how the pain felt again. you felt the dry stains of your tears on your cheeks. the pitiful girl you were an hour earlier.

you were just numb. and you also didn’t really know what to think about either. you were praying the swim team didn’t have any practice that day. you just needed to be alone without hearing their annoyingly deep voices they forced. without hearing anything but the water.

keonho crossed your mind for some reason.

you thought about the night at that party. why did he sit next to you? why did he even talk to you to begin with? did you just happen to look like player bait or something?

maybe you looked like the perfect girl to prey on. seonghyeon beat him to it.

but then again, he came to you on the benches. he talked to you. he asked about you. he knew seonghyeon wasn’t good for you. why would he care?

he didn’t come to kiss you. just that casual flirting that added to the tension between you two. you wondered if he even realised it was there. or maybe you just let every interaction with a guy become romantic.

despite yourself, you were curious about him. he intrigued you. frat boys didn’t intrigue you. if anything they irked you out so badly you’d do anything to rid them of their existence.

their stupid red cups and their stupid voices.

you didn’t even know how keonho became one. he didn’t look like the kind to rock a varsity jersey. but, he proved you wrong. the day of the basketball finals. they were all lined up, taking a photo with another one of the trophies they won for the school.

you found him oddly attractive. not that he was ugly. he was just not your type.

then the party. he looked at you like he would go on forever trying to understand everything about you. a boy had never looked at you that way. you were just used to being some eye candy or something. the temporary feeling of being “seen.”

then he looked at you like he knew you and you felt your heart pounding. crazy for a guy that wasn’t your type.

you didn’t know what ahn keonho was. nor did you know what he was to you. he was just ahn keonho. the guy on the basketball team. the guy that looked hot in a varsity jersey. the boy with the fraternity smile and the curiosity in his eyes.

that was all that he was to you. and maybe you’d only ever have small talks that went beyond the surface level once in a blue moon.

“oh, y/n! fancy seeing you here. waiting for me?” the man of the hour, the familiar grin gracing his lips in the way you’ve known best.

god, just kill me.

of course the one day you needed him to get away from all noise it just had to follow you. maybe you were psychic.

“was hoping you wouldn’t be here.” you answered dryly, watching the ripples in the water.

“i’m actually not supposed to be. well, not necessarily.” he sat next to you, his legs sliding into the water.

“what do you mean?” you looked at him.

“not a practice day.” he was already looking at you, leaning back on his arms.

“so?”

“just wanted to get some laps. and well, found something else to keep me busy.” he had a gentle smirk on his face. he was about to piss you off, you thought.

but you couldn’t deny the softness of it. you didn’t like the fact that you could even tell the difference. maybe he didn’t want to make your head explode for once.

“you saw me here?” you raised an eyebrow, your tone slightly shocked.

“well, possibly. but i came for the laps first. you just gave me more reason to stay.” you didn’t like those words. no, let’s rephrase. you didn’t like how much you liked those words.

“i’ll pretend i have significance in your life.” you didn’t want to. wait, why didn’t i want to? fuck! all you could do was pray he didn’t say otherwise.

“you don’t have to pretend.” of course he said that, he’s ahn keonho!

“how exactly?” did you really want to know? not exactly. did you already know? probably. for some reason you felt that hearing it come from his mouth and not your head would make everything worse.

“well, y/n. since you aren’t exactly einstein, i’ll put it for you simply: i actually care about you.” there it was. the way he looked at you. the subtle change in his glance that made you believe him partly. the way his lips softened to this hint of a smile.

did he realise what he was doing?

“you’ve known me for how long?” you questioned, an excuse for him to not be so… caring?

“hey, i know enough to have the tiniest soft spot for you.” he gestured with his fingers, squinting his eyes. part of you couldn’t wrap your head around him having a soft spot for you. another part also wouldn’t let you be convinced that his hypothetical soft spot for you was the tiniest.

“how flattering.” you didn’t even bother hiding your sarcasm.

“girls would ogle if i said that.” the way he said it made you think it wasn’t something he enjoyed. fair. well, who would enjoy being bombarded with heart eyes in every corner they look?

“should i?” you asked softly.

“i like that you don’t.” you hated the way his smile grew. he never stopped making you feel different in a way that was like no other. it made you feel special for once.

“sure.” back to being dry again.

“you were crying.” his eyes traced the tear stains on your cheeks, his hand twitching at his side as if he wanted to touch them.

“mm.” you hummed softly, your eyes fixed on the glittering water. fuck his curiosity. you didn’t want to do that, not then.

“seonghyeon?” who else was capable of crushing you the way he did?

“saw him kissing a girl in his dorm.” you mumbled. it left this bitter taste in your mouth. you hated it. you hated how much you hurt and how much you missed him. how you just took it all. whatever it was you had.

“fuck. are you okay?” he sat up in an instant, his body so much closer to you than you would’ve liked. except you didn’t seem to have much of a problem with it.

his hand hovered over your shoulder, twitching once more with that urge to touch you again. he gave in this time. you hadn’t felt that comforted by someone’s touch.

“i’ll cry if you ask that.” this was you being honest. and raw. you looked in his eyes with nothing but vulnerability. keonho couldn’t break that. he couldn’t break you.

not the way seonghyeon did.

“i’ll answer it myself.” his other hand boldly yet cautiously reached for your chin, turning your head to face him. the blue pool lights illuminated his face so perfectly, almost like at that party. just… better.

you didn’t want to look away. you didn’t want to pull away either. you liked this, whatever it was. the magnetic pull you felt, quite subtle but something that added to the tension between you two that became harder and harder to ignore.

“thanks.” you whispered softly, your eyes boring into his.

somehow without you realising it, your hand found his. your fingers lacing with his like it was something natural. so natural and so right.

“i’ll leave if you want to take laps.” you murmured, breathy and barely audible, so soft like any noise would ruin that moment.

you didn’t want to leave.

“mm-mm. stay.” and you were hoping he wanted you to stay. he moved closer, slightly. just enough to make your heart race.

“why?” did you really want to know why?

“gonna take laps with you.” not what you were expecting. and the way he said it made you think that it wasn’t exactly up for discussion.

“how?”

“well, not laps.”

“then what?” before you could finish asking, he jumped in the pool, splashing water all over you. you gasped the second the cold droplets hit your skin, your body freezing.

“keonho!” you called out, your shoulders tense.

“what?” he asked innocently, looking up at you with his wet hair and droplets dripping from his face.

“the water is freezing.”

“i can make it warmer.” he said with a smirk.

“please don’t piss in here.” you whined gently.

“not the method i was thinking of.” he moved closer to you, grabbing your hands.

“so?”

“come.” he said, no arguments, no pleading. just a simple “come.” you hated how much you wanted to listen. don’t go in.

“you’re joking.” you wished he was but the both of you knew he wasn’t.

“completely serious.”

“don’t like swimming.” you shook your head.

“i’ll make you love it.” he held your hands close to his wet face.

“don’t wanna mess my clothes up.” another excuse.

“they’ll dry.” then your hands were cupping his cheeks, his on top of them. his hands were surprisingly warm for someone who was in icy water.

“my hair.”

“wet hair would be gorgeous on you.” that got to you. the easiness of it. that undertone. you could feel the sincerity. he truly did believe that. you felt like letting him see just how gorgeous you’d be.

“you just don’t stop, hm?” you raised an eyebrow. no, he didn’t.

“not till i get what i want.” it had an edge of something. possessiveness maybe? certainty. was he sure of getting you right where he wanted you?

“what do you want?”

“to swim with you, so come.” he tugged your hands, bringing you closer to the edge. just one more tug and you’d be inside.

whoops!

he pulled you once more, your body sinking beneath the surface just for a few seconds, bubbles surrounding you.

you could already feel the goosebumps.

“keonho!” you wiped your face, scowling at him.

“hm?” he hummed like he didn’t hear you, grinning like a cheshire cat.

“it’s freezing.”

“told you i can make it warmer.” he murmured, moving closer to you until he was just one breath away.

“how?” it was a test. a mere challenge. what would he do when given the chance?

“like this.” his arms slid around your waist, holding your body against his until your chests touched. now he’d definitely know how fast your heart was beating.

you just hoped he wouldn’t say anything about it.

“don’t think it’s working.” that was lie. you didn’t like how his embrace did indeed make you feel so much warmer.

“it can make other things warm too.” he squeezed your sides gently, a feeling you didn’t realise you needed until now.

“like what?” your arms wrapped around his neck daringly, your head tilting to the side almost as if it would make you see him better.

“hearts.” he just had to say that.

“cheesy.”

“always.” he smiled once more, swaying with you gently.

you stayed quiet for a bit. just allowing yourself to be free with him. no tension, no stiffness. just letting go for a bit. and for the first time, you felt so at ease. whole. you felt so whole.

you hadn’t felt whole like that with a guy. not that you could ever recall or remember. you didn’t want to imagine another time you ever felt this way. you liked that it was your first with him because keonho was different.

in this moment you couldn’t tell yourself that he had any frat boy bone in him. it was a different keonho.

one you didn’t really know of. just one that was sweeter than you had thought. gentle. surprisingly good at taking your mind off things.

weirdly cheesy for a “player.”

your hair clung to your face like it didn’t plan on letting go any time soon, your clothes seemingly doing the same thing. whatever remains of your heartbreak prior had washed away, your body soaked with another feeling.

you looked up at him again. he was already staring. your eyes darted away, avoiding his gaze. he didn’t say anything, just left out a soft huff that sounded similar to a chuckle. then your head was on his chest before you could even think about anything else. he did that. he wanted it. you did too.

you didn’t even need to question it. not with the way his racing heart’s rhythm matched your own. the way it slowed as you sank deeper into his arms.

you didn’t understand why you liked this. why it felt so out of this world. so unreal. it wasn’t anything like you’d ever experienced. nothing like what seonghyeon could ever bring to the table. but you didn’t want it to be what you were thinking.

not while you were crying over someone else.

but, when your hands laid on his chest along with your head and you sniffed out the faint scent of his cologne that hadn’t yet washed away, you felt it.

somewhere in your heart, keonho was there. against your will. without warning. keonho was waiting there. he was waiting in line. you just had to give him the keys to the lock.

“thank you.” you whispered, not looking at him. just focused on the water’s surface and sloshes and how he held you there. not trapped or loose. just secure enough for you to forget about your worries for a moment.

“for what?” his fingers were threading through your wet strands. he knew exactly what you would say. you just happened to know that he took pleasure in hearing you tell him what he wanted to hear.

“helping me forget about him. first time i’ve felt whole in a while.”

“don’t say thank you. it’s my specialty.” he said, a hint of cockiness in his tone. of course he’d do that. he was ahn keonho. he needed to toot his horn every once in a while. you just assumed it was an instinct.

“so i’m not the first to receive these services?” you lifted your head up, scrutinizing him. you wanted to feel special, just for a second. just one. in a way that seonghyeon wouldn’t let you. you wanted to know what it’d be like.

“oh no, of course you are.” it was the way he said it. like there was just no possible way that he could have ever made anyone feel this way, that anyone else could take the place you didn’t realise you had in his life until now.

“of course?” you couldn’t hide the shock in your tone, your eyebrow raising.

“of course.” he insisted, his eyes never leaving your own. he had this habit of insisting on things. especially with you. he insisted on a lot of things. one of the reasons why you couldn’t bring yourself to see him as a liar.

a lot of the things he insisted on were true.

you just trusted him enough.

and you didn’t like how easy it felt to trust his word. for him to be so convincing just by repeating the same words a third time.

“so i do have significance in your life?” it was more of a question than a statement, a hint of hope creeping in. you didn’t want to sound like someone craving validation but you were already desperate for it the second you let seonghyeon into your life.

the both of you knew you wanted and needed it.

“yeah.” he assured, almost like he knew exactly what you were thinking. it made you feel sure. you didn’t know why you had doubts anyway. maybe you were finally starting to figure out your feelings for once.

“don’t have to pretend with you?” you tilted your head.

“not like how you do with him. just be… you.” he knew it. he knew it was all a cover up. a facade. he knew you so well and it had only been weeks. weeks. it intrigued you. but it also made you feel seen.

everything you wished seonghyeon would show you, he did. everything you need seonghyeon to give you, he did. keonho did it all without being begged or being guilted into it.

he did it all willingly. he wanted you in his arms just for a little while and he just wanted to see that pain fade away. even if it was just temporary. that was what he wanted.

that was all you needed to realise that maybe he was worth it. maybe ahn keonho was worth falling for.

“fine.”

you laid your head back on his chest and watched the stars dust the sky. you had to get home soon. you didn’t really care. he’d probably walk you home without discussion. you wanted that anyway.

you just wanted to enjoy whatever that was. just feeling close to being loved. maybe you’d forget this feeling in the morning or maybe it’d cloud your dreams. maybe you wouldn’t be able to sleep at night cause you were debating whether or not you made the smart decision to have feelings for two people at once.

most likely all of the above if you’re lucky enough to forget how it felt the next day.

you surely were going to be unlucky. very unlucky.

THE POOL INCIDENT BROUGHT YOU CLOSER THAN YOU HAD THOUGHT. more like than keonho had thought for the most part. keonho wasn’t used to the concept of actually being close to a girl. it was usually just desperate attention seekers who thought that being with him was like getting a million bucks.

keonho couldn’t ever bring himself to understand how anyone could ever want to be next to him so badly. he didn’t think he was worth all the heart eyes and the giggles. they never lasted long anyway. a lot of his relationships, if you can even call them that, simply centered around being the news of the week which would die down eventually and find its place in something we call history.

he didn’t care. keonho didn’t care about a lot of things actually. it never bothered him. he just felt like it was stupid and a tiny little boost to his ego. but you were the first girl he truly looked at. actually had conversations with. felt genuinely concerned for. cared for. you were all of those firsts.

keonho wasn’t one for change but for you, he felt himself doing just that. he stopped kissing girls by the locker rooms before practice. he also stopped giving his jacket to every other girl that stared at it a second longer.

he just let his old habits die. unconsciously. he felt the difference one day. the day he caught you going back to your old ways.

it was a friday, five in the evening. he had just finished practice. he wanted to see you. he felt that want growing each and every day. faster than he would’ve liked. and he started to realise that tension and what it was doing to him. how it was altering his mind in a way that kept him up at night thinking about you.

he went to your usual spot, the small bench behind some of the classrooms close to the pool with this huge tree you named fern. why did you name it fern? cause you were too lazy to think of an actual name. why did you name it to begin with? because you were bored. you told him fern was one of the only “friends” you could vent to. first it was only. then keonho came around and that changed.

more change.

he was looking forward to seeing you, most likely sketching a small doodle in your book with headphones plugged in, seemingly unaware of whatever was going on around you.

but then he heard that voice. the same voice that was going to crush your heart with no mercy. seonghyeon. then he heard you. one peak and he saw you both kissing. full on make out.

keonho wasn’t supposed to feel anything. that wasn’t a part of the script. but he did. as much he didn’t want to or even told himself not to, he did anyway. and it stung. the only thing that ever stings are his scrapes on the rough concrete of the pool walls. not stupid feelings.

yet he still felt hurt. for the first time ever. because of a girl. another first for ahn keonho. and somehow, another win for you, y/n l/n.

he was gone before you could even blink, that anger or disappointment—whatever it was—sending him into overdrive.

maybe this is what you felt like, seeing seonghyeon and that girl. that’s the pain you felt, just a hundred times worse. worse enough to have you making out with him when you should have been moving on from him. with keonho instead. selfish, he knew that. you weren’t even his. but for some reason, in that moment when his feelings seemed to be controlling his body, that’s what he felt he needed.

KEONHO WAS AVOIDING YOU. it was final. something that you didn’t even have to question. since the afternoon you decided to make the extremely idiotic decision to make out with the one guy that was out to make your life hell, he hadn’t been talking to you.

you didn’t know why exactly.

you just felt it shift somewhere in the air. shorter replies, physical distance between you two. his eyes always locked on something else that wasn’t your face. and when you felt him look for just a second, it was gone. he’d always stay.

something was wrong.

you don’t know why you thought that seonghyeon was actually being sensible for once. when he texted you to come to your usual spot. you hated how you thought you were special for him remembering, but anyone that knew you briefly or just saw you around often would know that the huge tree graced with pink blossoms was your second home.

then came the apology. you heard that a couple times from him. the logical part of your brain would deny him more and more as the occurrences continued. that ticked him off and you knew it. but when you thought you had finally won, finally stopped yourself from falling for him. finally broke the cycle. he would hold you in his arms and stare at you like you were the only thing that mattered.

you knew he’d done the same with other girls, but for some reason that need to feel special and validated overpowered all kinds of logic.

then you were making out with him again and you knew you’d be crawling back.

that’s how it always goes. and you hated it. more than you loved it. god, you fucking hated it so much.

but it felt weird the last time. it felt wrong. it always felt wrong. but it felt like you were committing a crime you’d get big jail time for.

you pulled away from him before it could even start. seonghyeon didn’t say anything. he just looked at you. not like you were his or like the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen. but like something that had no purpose. something he didn’t need anymore.

for the first time it didn’t hurt. you didn’t care. because keonho was clouding your judgment. your thoughts. and your heart too. and you needed him at that moment.

you ran. as far away as you could. like you didn’t want seonghyeon to find you again. you wanted to go somewhere where only keonho would find you. only keonho could make you happy. only he could have your heart.

you had feelings. you actually had feelings. you didn’t want them to be the kind of feelings you harboured for seonghyeon. the kind that were just there in your heart to prove a point to your head. the kind that you just needed to keep there to feel sane. normal.

these feelings didn’t feel that way.

they felt oddly real. you didn’t know if it was right to hate or love them. you didn’t know what to do with them. maybe it was just better to stick to seonghyeon.

he was easier to deal with. your feelings for him were easier to deal with. you knew what to expect each time and you knew what to tell yourself to feel each time. and what to do. it was a routine.

keonho was unpredictable. different. his feelings weren’t something you knew or were sure of. he just did things that made you question if you were truly sane. you liked it. but you couldn’t love it.

just tell yourself you love hyeon, y/n. it’s easier that way.

maybe keonho saw you guys kissing. maybe. you hoped he didn’t. you prayed that it was just because seonghyeon bragged about it like an asshole. not because keonho actually saw.

on the days when you and keonho didn’t talk, you thought back on that day. on that kiss with seonghyeon. you didn’t really like it. then you remembered that keonho was right about you.

and you’d go back to wishing that was keonho in his place.

why? because somehow you were actually feeling something for someone.

and it was ahn keonho of all people on this planet.

KEONHO FELT LIKE A SEONGHYEON CLONE. okay, maybe not a clone. maybe like a project. okay that’s definitely the wrong word for it. hmm, what was i like, huh? a carbon copy of hyeon then. yeah, a carbon copy of hyeon.

since keonho saw that ungodly sight—he was being dramatic—he chose to ignore you. he’d talk to you sometimes, just to see your face again and hear your voice without forgetting it but it didn’t erase the feelings he had.

keonho liked you. that had probably been established the day he saw you at that house party. he did. but he was feeling so much more than that that he couldn’t even explain it. he’d find himself on google sometimes, researching about his feelings like he was trying to diagnose himself with something. love.

he didn’t like what his search history had become. he was even on reddit. reddit!

why can’t i stop thinking about her?

what to do when you miss a girl a lot?

how to tell if you’re in love with someone?

do i love her?

yeah, he was gone.

keonho wasn’t a love person. he didn’t do those things. maybe he’d say it sometimes to girls that wouldn’t leave him alone but that didn’t mean he meant it. the words felt empty when he said them. so incredibly empty. they felt meaningless.

and sometimes he wondered if he could ever say those words and feel something. he prayed that day would come. he didn’t know why at first.

but as he lay awake every night, thinking of your face and your voice. your hair. your smile. the aching desire to feel your touch just once more. that day at the pool.

he realised that he wanted to feel it for you.

but that was impossible. seonghyeon was there. and keonho was probably just some coping mechanism to you. you never really showed him any signs of reciprocation. not even the tiniest hint of feelings. he was just someone that would try to snap you out of your stupidity with some eye contact and advice with a hint of flirt from time to time.

so what did he do?

he dated girls. a bunch of them. just to fill in that place where you laid. that large part of his heart he didn’t even know was there.

at first he was extremely reluctant, he was probably always going to be. but his feelings were getting so much stronger than he could control. and each and every single time you came to him to talk just for a little while, he got so much closer to the edge of risking it all that he just had to push you away for his sake and your own.

he needed some kind of distraction. because if he had nothing but a pool and a basketball and his stupid friends, that growing want for you was soon going to fuck him up. and you. and possibly mess with the balance of the universe.

those relationships didn’t really last long. his record was four weeks. it was all the same recycled bullshit over and over again. it made him wonder if he was aromantic or if those girls were just full of shit. then he thought of you and realised that they were just shit.

the same “i love you” texts after everything. the concern that came when he decided the break up was nearing. the begging to wear his varsity jacket at his games and the “cute” stories on instagram.

being with those girls in public felt like a humiliation ritual. he hated it so much. so fucking much. each time he kissed their cheeks and held their hands, he wished it was you. every single time he gave them a back hug in front of their friends to “seal the deal” it just made it worse.

and there was a time he saw you. he was holding another girl’s hand while she had her head on his shoulder. she was rambling about something he couldn’t be bothered to care about. he’d just listen enough to know when to hum and be “happy” for her.

you were alone this time. you looked a little different. no cherry red lip gloss. just a soft pink one. no bangs framing your face, just some waves that bounced perfectly with each step. your outfits barely changed but it was enough for him to tell the difference.

you looked so unlike yourself. so soft, gentle. like you were trying hard to be something you were not. you’d only ever do that if there was some part of your life you were trying to leave behind. he knew you well enough to know that was the reason. the only reason.

you looked at him for a second, then at her. and he saw something flicker in your eyes quickly. hurt. yeah, that’s what it looked like. it faded quickly but he didn’t stop looking. then you looked back at him again. longing. you looked like someone who desperately missed a person that was right in front of them.

you stared a little longer that time. almost like you wanted him to realise it. like you wanted him to run to you and pull him in his arms while you told him all the secrets you locked away. and he almost did.

he let go of his girlfriend’s hand and almost sprang up.

but you turned away, walked faster like staying there would have made you do something you would’ve regretted. or maybe you just thought keonho would regret it.

but keonho wanted you. he needed you like air. and he hated what he became because of his feelings. this stupid “player” trying to rid himself of the love he felt for a girl trapped in an endless cycle of pain.

he was hurting you and hurting himself. that was worse than losing any swim comp. worse than missing a game-winning shot.

he was losing himself for you. he was watching you lose yourself for a guy that didn’t care. and he needed to get you back.

he was gone.

but he didn’t want you to be a gone girl.

not before he got his seat at the table.

SEONGHYEON THIS, SEONGHYEON THAT. why was he still in your life? you’d ask yourself that every single day but when you thought you had the answer to it, you didn’t. he was just there. something to fill the void and something to get your mind off keonho. well, he was originally supposed to fill the void. then you actually grew to feel something for him. attachment. then keonho rolled around, showing you what it’s actually like to be loved and you haven’t stopped thinking about him since. haven’t stopped wondering what his girlfriends were bringing to the table.

wondering if he’d ever ask you to be his. you’d just tell yourself if he really wanted to, he would have done that a long time ago even with seonghyeon being there. would you have dropped to your knees crawling to him or seonghyeon? you didn’t know. not at first. but as time went on, you realised you would have indeed ran to keonho if you got the chance. too late, maybe.

you still had those feelings for seonghyeon. the ones that made you feel like you couldn’t live without him. the same very ones that also made you feel like he was a good person with a good heart he didn’t know how to use yet. you wanted to be the test subject. the first experiment. first and last.

but as time went by, you started questioning if there was really a future with him. if seonghyeon was ever worth your time. if there was even a point in him still being in your life when keonho existed. but you’d kiss him and even when part of you didn’t like it like you used to, you felt that attachment. that part of you that couldn’t let go of seonghyeon even when you tried.

you weren’t trying hard enough.

“hyeon.” you asked softly, twisting the hem of his shirt between your fingers.

“yeah, baby?” he didn’t look at you, just stilled his hand where it was on your waist. you didn’t like how he called you baby. with this faux sweetness which seemed to be a feeble attempt at ending the conversation before it could even start.

he knew what you were going to ask. what are we? or some bullshit like that.

“i can’t do this anymore.” not what he was expecting, worse actually.

“you saw us, didn’t you. it didn’t mean anything.” his grip on your waist tightened by a fraction, the words tinged with this edge you didn’t like. that look on his face.

he was gaslighting you. well, he was about to.

“you say that all the time.” you let go of his shirt, pulling away from him. but he didn’t let you move, tugging you back to him.

“cause it’s true.” he muttered, his eyes narrowing. you hated it so much, his touch. something you used to crave now disgusted you. it made your skin crawl.

“then why are you always with another girl?” you got up off his lap by luck, his hands falling at his sides. he didn’t say anything for a moment, just stared at you like you were the bad guy.

“because i need space. you’re clingy and you get all sentimental and emotional about everything.” emotional? all you wanted was to be loved and that seemed to be a character flaw in seonghyeon’s book.

“it’s called having feelings.”

“i told you no strings attached.” he looked up at you, knowingly. he was right. for the first time, you couldn’t argue with that. you let him walk into your life knowing fully well what it would do to you.

“so i was just some game to you? you feel nothing for me?” but, it still hurt. your eyes burned with the realisation, your eyes fluttering to keep it together. you weren’t going to cry in front of eom seonghyeon and give him the satisfaction of successfully breaking you he wanted.

“yeah, you were, what else was it supposed to be?” he raised his eyebrows like he couldn’t think of what else you could’ve possibly been.

“real, maybe?” you hated how your voice cracked, how the realisation was settling in faster than you would’ve liked. you were simply just a placeholder. something he’d run to when no one else was around.

and he didn’t care about you. he just told you what you wanted to hear because facing the reality of the situation was far more complicated than feeding into your fantasies.

“big things you’re asking for.”

“wanting basic love and affection are big things?”

“expecting it from me is. you know how i am. don’t make me feel bad for you chasing something that was never there.” that was your breaking point. the tears balanced on your waterline, your eyes fluttering in an instant once more like an instinct. it was.

“you’re unbelievable.” you choked out, running a frustrated hand through your hair. you weren’t mad at him, not anymore, you were mad at yourself for staying. for settling for less. for letting him walk over you and have his way with you.

“no, you’re just pathetic. go beg for validation and some cuddles from someone else.” he shrugged, his words humiliating.

“you were stringing me along.” you whispered, a broken whimper. you couldn’t hide the betrayal that you felt, the sadness.

you wasted so much time wishing for something you’d never get. he was never going to give you what you wanted and that was final. you realised that a long time ago. but it made it easier to pretend that it wasn’t true because that meant you had a reason to let yourself stay. to hope. to let him kiss you over and over.

“only told you what you wanted to hear, baby. you stayed on your own.” he shook his head, lifting a finger.

“you’re an asshole.” you tried to sound angry, tried to sound strong. but it came out small. weak. that’s what he made you. fragile. god, eom seonghyeon was the last person you had ever wanted to see you like this.

“tell me something i don’t know.” he crossed his arms over his chest nonchalantly, seemingly unbothered by you.

“it’s over. we’re done.” you grabbed your things in a rush, blinking away some more tears, hurrying out the room.

“mm.” he hummed casually, watching you leave with this sarcastic smirk plastered across his face.

the second you were out of that classroom, it all came crashing in. the tears streamed down your face with no end nearby, your vision blurred. your chest heaved with short gasps and broken sobs, your body slumping against a locker.

in that moment, you were thinking of keonho. of his many warnings, of his touch. the way your heart skipped a beat at least once whenever he was around. how he treated you like no other. keonho would’ve held you in his arms and told you it would be okay if he was with you.

you thought of your feelings. who your heart was truly beating for. it wasn’t seonghyeon. it probably never was seonghyeon. it was keonho. he made you feel like you were living in another world. with his dumb jokes and his oddly perfect ways of bringing you comfort.

you couldn’t think of anything else. just about how pathetic you were and how much you were yearning for that stupid frat boy.

i need you, keonho.

IT WAS A FRIDAY SO YOU COULD BE ALONE AT THE POOL. no noise or boys. just you. though you wished keonho was there. usually he would’ve been in the pool by now but there seemed to be no sign of him whatsoever. maybe he was still avoiding you.

you somehow managed to drag yourself over to the pool even after sobbing out every bit of energy within you. you just felt drained. numb. your nose was probably red, along with your eyes. you weren’t exactly the prettiest crier.

you heard some bubbles and kicks in the water that were not far away from you. someone was swimming. you didn’t realise that you weren’t alone. it then suddenly dawned upon you that keonho probably wasn’t the only person that swam in this pool after hours. how embarrassing would it be if a random found you disturbing their peace with your tears? extremely.

“y/n?” to think you thought ahn keonho was not the only one swimming in this pool on friday evenings. nope, you were wrong. only keonho would do this stuff expecting you to be there with him.

he immediately pushed himself out of the water, sitting beside you. you didn’t really want him to see just how incredibly wrecked you were but the second you lowered your head, his fingers were already grabbing your chin.

“look at me.” the single command was enough to make your knees go weak. even though you felt reluctant, you looked at him anyway. you hadn’t been this close to him in weeks.

not since he filled out his schedules with a new girlfriend every week. it’s like he was trying to keep you away from him. yet the way he came to your side with so much urgency made you think that he was waiting for a moment to be with you.

“it’s over.” you whimpered, feeling the tears rushing back again. his features softened in an instant, his grip loosening.

“oh, y/n.” even though he was soaked, he lifted you up onto his lap, burying your face into his chest. this was all that you needed. and somehow it made the tears fall even quicker. you didn’t even know if you were crying over seonghyeon anymore or if it was just your emotions.

you didn’t really care.

“it’s okay. it’ll be okay, i’m right here. i’m not going anywhere.” he shushed you gently, his arms slung around your body, one hand stroking your hair while the other held you close to him. you held onto him like a lifeline, your body shaking with each sob.

at first you weren’t particularly fond of how good he was at making you feel better but then you were convinced you wouldn’t be able to live without him. his reassuring words, his touch that made you feel like you were being shielded from the world.

“i won’t let anyone hurt you. not seonghyeon or anyone else. not again.” the certainty of his words, the protectiveness. no one ever said those things to you. no one ever made you feel like they could be your safe space. your sanctuary. but he did and that made every second you spent with him worth it all.

“i don’t deserve you.”

“no, you deserve it all, y/n. don’t ever doubt that.” you found yourself being unable to defy him. his clarity. you thought he knew what you deserved better than you did. he probably did. and it was probably better to keep it that way.

you didn’t say any more. just waited for the cries to subside. for the pain to fade slowly. and you just let him hold you.

because ahn keonho knew how to make you forget the pain.

KEONHO KNEW HOW TO PUT UP A STRONG FRONT. how to mask his feelings without anyone truly knowing how he felt. maybe that’s why he was able to be a frat boy. frat boys didn’t need to show their feelings. he didn’t like to be read like an open book because that meant he was exposed. he hated being exposed. it was weird. it freaked him out. so when you came to the pool, bawling your eyes out because of his dick friend, he had to do just that.

keonho watched seonghyeon hurt girls for a while. he stopped telling him to fix his ways because he wasn’t ever going to listen. he knew it was wrong. he knew it was fucked up. but when he watched the effects of his actions on you, it made his blood boil. it flicked a switch within him.

he made girls feel this way. it wasn’t just you. it was all the girls that thought seonghyeon was capable of love. the girls with hopes higher than the clouds and a fragile heart. the girls he made lose their smile and their hope for love. he did that all and he’d do it again a million times. it was just different seeing it for himself.

and all of a sudden he felt this primal urge to give seonghyeon a piece of his mind.

“what you did to y/n wasn’t cool, you know?” keonho said, low and deliberate. seonghyeon didn’t once look up from his phone, a small smirk on his lips.

“she came crying to you about it?” he asked in a way that sounded mocking, chuckling.

“does it matter?” keonho narrowed his eyes at seonghyeon’s laughter, an edge to his tone.

“still pathetic as ever.” he shook his head, scoffing under his breath.

“don’t talk about her like that.” keonho’s voice raised slightly, his fists starting to clench.

“since when did you care about her?” seonghyeon looked up when he heard the anger in keonho’s voice he was trying to conceal, raising his eyebrows.

“that doesn’t matter.”

“well, she wasn’t that interesting anyway. she was so clingy and just followed me around like a lost puppy.” he shrugged, focusing his eyes back down on his phone but keonho grabbed it swiftly, causing him to narrow his eyes slightly as well.

“she cares about you.” keonho’s tone softened at the mention of you, his fists unclenching at the slightest.

“like an idiot. she was nothing to me. i just kept her there cause she’d always come back.” his face scrunched up slightly, his lack of empathy very evident. keonho hated the way seonghyeon spoke about you. like you were something to discard, something he’d kept close for safety.

“you’re an ass, dude.” keonho’s thick eyebrows knitted together tightly, that edge quickly finding its way back to his voice—sharper. he didn’t want to show just how pissed off he was but seonghyeon made that harder than it needed to be.

“i know what i am. and she must know how weak and gullible she is too.” he smirked once more, his voice laced with sarcasm. keonho’s hands balled into tight fists again, digging them into the bench to hold himself back.

“don’t talk about her that way, seonghyeon.” he warned, cold and protective, his eyes piercing into seonghyeon’s.

“or what? gonna fight me over it? over a loser you wouldn’t have pitied if you weren’t sober that night?” he jeered, a jab that left keonho silent for a few seconds. it was true, if keonho was absolutely wasted that night the outcome would’ve been completely different.

but he was glad he saw you. more than that. it was just a what if. keonho saw you and he felt something he didn’t before. some stupid hypothetical wasn’t going to make him feel ashamed.

“she’s more than that to me.” he retorted, his voice slightly losing its edge, the intensity of his feelings still dark in his eyes. it was getting harder and harder to not wipe that smirk off his face with a dirty blow.

“right because she was just your company. just someone to flirt with. so much more, hm?” he sneered smugly, letting out a yelp when keonho yanked on his collar tight enough to rip his shirt.

“i said don’t talk about her like that.” he warned once more through gritted teeth, his face a breath away from seonghyeon’s, his voice rough and icy.

“oo, feisty.” he snickered, taking everything keonho gave him like keonho was the villain.

then.

“keonho! what are you doing?” your eyes widened in disbelief at the sight of his fist swinging forward right toward seonghyeon’s face.

they both turned to you, keonho’s face instantly softening to something guilty while seonghyeon’s smirk only grew wider. the two guys that had a place in your heart, right in front of you, about to tear each other’s faces apart.

it was something about the way keonho looked at you, how he suddenly stumbled back when seonghyeon pushed harshly like he wasn’t in control anymore. his jaw wasn’t taut, his fists weren’t balled up tight enough to show his veins. his eyes lost that darkness.

he was sort of bare. vulnerable maybe.

you hadn’t ever seen keonho that angry. you knew he hated how much seonghyeon treated you like shit but you didn’t think he’d go to war for you. or even beat him up for it. it pulled on some of your heartstrings.

seonghyeon just stared at you like how he did that day. you didn’t even want to look at him, you couldn’t bear to. no matter what feelings you still had inside, you just couldn’t. not when he’d let keonho bust up his face to be the victim of something he started. to be someone you would pity. that’s what he wanted.

you understood it now. and it made you sick to your stomach.

but at that moment, you were mad at him. mad at keonho for getting into a fight that didn’t need to happen. he could’ve gotten kicked off the swim and basketball team. suspended. for you. you didn’t want to be that for him. someone he’d get into trouble for. especially if you weren’t really anything but friends.

what if he got hurt badly? what if they both hurt badly? you didn’t want to be the cause of that. not over your stupidity or the empathy you wished you didn’t carry.

“y/n, it’s no-” keonho shook his head, pleading softly but was cut off by the lack of expression on your face. you grabbed his wrist, dragging him away until you were far enough to not see seonghyeon again.

you let go, your arms crossed over your chest.

“why?” you interrogated, your jaw clenched.

“he said shitty things about you.” he murmured.

“he says shitty things all the time.”

“i couldn’t just sit by and let him say them.” he raised his voice, defensive. you went silent, avoiding his gaze.

“why? why couldn’t you just leave it?” you finally asked, more desperate. accusatory. you were upset with him. upset with how he chose to lose his temper and sense of control for you.

“what’s up with you, y/n? he’s full of shit.” he fumed in frustration, his eyebrows furrowing tightly.

“and i know that. you were going to bear the consequences of my actions.”

“i’d do it a million times for you.” his face softened to something blank. with the softest hint of something you hoped for yourself. love. you could deny it, lie through your teeth but it was there. you just didn’t know why.

the way he said it. like you meant everything to him. that was what you needed all this time. you only came to that realisation when you felt his words disarm you. you never let anything disarm you.

“keonho, don’t say that-”

“i mean it. he doesn’t deserve you. this world doesn’t.” he shook his head, firm. yet it still sounded so gentle.

“i-”

“no, let me finish. let me be honest with you.”

“why?” you asked again, faint this time.

“because i have feelings for you, y/n. for the first time i can actually look at a girl and say my heart beats for her. i’m glad it’s you. i just, i didn’t want those girls, i only wanted you,” he whispered, taking a step closer to you. then he paused.

“i only dated them because i couldn’t watch you go off with him. it was supposed to be me. i wanted you to need me. i needed that. and i’ve been needing you for weeks. more than i think i should. and i just can’t let you go through that. not when i’m right here willing to show you how to be loved.” he stopped until he was right in front of you, his hands sliding up your face slowly. you grew to love his touch. the warmth of it, how he held you like something precious he didn’t want to break.

he confessed. the worries, the hypotheticals in your head, the confusion. it was all soothed. you questioned his feelings for you many times, the times he held you in that pool like nothing else mattered. how he was just always there. it was undeniable. he did feel for you.

and it scared you.

“i-keonho.” you stammered, giving into his touch.

“i don’t want you to say anything, y/n. don’t. it’d make it hurt less. i just wanted you to realise that i’m here. i have been and i always will be even if there’s no one else to run to.” he caressed your cheeks, his forehead slowly pressing against your own. you closed your eyes, not saying anymore.

then your lips found his own, soft and warm, a hand grabbing your waist gently as your fingers tangled up in his hair.

you had kissed seonghyeon like this multiple times but this was different. you felt whole. you felt like staying in this moment forever. you didn’t want to let go. not with keonho. not with him. he made you feel brand new. free.

and in that moment you truly realised just how much you wanted him. and just how much you feared for your life at the thought of even doing this a second time.

you pulled away, your hands stopping on his chest. you didn’t look at him because if you did the tears wouldn’t have stopped.

“i can’t.” your voice trembled slightly, your head shaking. you could. you were just scared to lose him.

“what?” he asked softly, lifting your chin up gently.

“i can’t do this.” you didn’t look in his eyes, you couldn’t. not when you could feel the burning of hot tears at the corners of your eyes.

“why?” he asked once more, louder. sharp. frustrated. he was hurt. this was him being vulnerable. he was never vulnerable. that made it hurt more.

“i just… can’t.” you said weakly, a poor excuse. you weren’t convinced by your own words, looking down in shame.

“you can, y/n. we both know it. you can be free with me. you can let me love you.” he held both of your cheeks in his hands, forcing you to look at him again. his eyes were glossy and he sounded so hopeful. god, why did he have to be so good to you?

“i can’t, keonho. not with my feelings.” you whimpered, your lip quivering as you tried to fight off the tears. but they fell anyway.

“just want me too. you kissed me. you wanted this. just stay.” he wiped your tears away, blinking back his own with a sniffle, pleading. this was him raw. exposed. no filter, no hiding. this was keonho, truly.

this was him when he needed someone. when he didn’t want to put up a strong front because that meant putting his feelings aside and he couldn’t do that. not when he wanted you.

“i can’t do that to you, keonho.” you shook your head again, your thumb brushing under his bottom lid where the tears threatened to fall. leaving him would hurt him more than you staying and making mistakes with him and you both knew that well. that’s what made it worse.

“don’t leave me, please.” he begged, his voice cracking. the hurt. the tears. the way his heart was slowly breaking for you.

his nose and eyes were cherry red, his hands wobbling as they clung to you tight. you pulled them away, taking them in yours. he instantly laced his fingers with yours, loose like he was giving you space to decide. but you both knew what the choice would be.

“i’m sorry.” you let go slowly, wiping a tear with the sleeve of your shirt before turning around slowly. he didn’t stop you. didn’t say anything more. he said enough, he knew that. and he knew that the choice was yours. that at the end of the day, he couldn’t force you to come back. it was something you had to do on your own.

but you wanted him to pull you back in his arms. kiss you until you said yes. tell him all the thoughts you had about him. how you missed him even when he was right in front of you. you felt selfish. you needed him to need you too. the difference was you weren’t going to show it as much as he did. because something you’ve learnt to do is to not give yourself to people fully.

that protected you.

but, keonho would protect if he had to with no hesitation.

and that’s probably what made walking away from him the hardest thing you’d ever done.

YOU HADN’T TALKED TO KEONHO SINCE THAT KISS. since the day you decided you’d walk away. and you couldn’t remember the last time you’d actually spent time with ian. she was your best friend. but she was another person you selfishly pushed away. and she knew you weren’t okay.

“y/n, talk to me. you haven’t done that in weeks.” she asked, a gentle but firm pry. you didn’t want to tell ian you had an extremely toxic situationship that you had finally put to an end and had fallen for said situationship’s friend. not to mention making out with him right before breaking his heart.

“i’m fine.” you mumbled, staring at your sandwich. so you chose to lie and say that you were okay because that was somehow easier than acknowledging the dilemma you had.

“we both know you aren’t.” she said—final, like she knew you better than yourself. which was true.

“i am.” you repeated, almost like saying it a second time would convince her a bit more but if anything it gave her another reason to believe otherwise. you wouldn’t believe yourself either.

“would you believe me if i said i saw you and keonho making out the other day?” she asked randomly, your eyes widening with shock. your best friend whom you had been avoiding for weeks caught you making out with keonho. you didn’t like how the embarrassment churned in your stomach.

“you saw that?” you stammered, your heart pounding in your throat.

“well, i ran away as soon as you stopped. wouldn’t want to get caught gathering intel.” she smiled, patting your shoulder. you let out a soft sigh of relief. at least she didn’t see you sobbing like a loser. you hoped she didn’t.

“intel?” you raised an eyebrow.

“of course, i’ve been watching you and that bum like a hawk. keonho is much better. i hope you know that.” she narrowed her eyes expectantly.

“um.”

“what is that um for?”

“i…”

“please do not say you went back to that bum.” her her eyes widened with fear.

“no, of course not. i’ve been avoiding him for weeks. as well as keonho.” you shook your head frantically, your eyes widening as well.

“what! i shouldn’t have let you push me away so easily. look at how stupid you are without me.” she gasped, groaning in exasperation. well, harsh. but true.

“i’m sorry, i’m just scared.” you babbled, sipping your soda. well yes, you were indeed shaking with fear but did it really compare to how much you felt for keonho?

“of what? your feelings? stop that, y/n! you can’t keep letting fear cloud your judgment. you’ll keep doing things you’ll regret.” ian let out a deep sigh, rolling her eyes.

“i already have.”

“god, keonho probably misses you like hell.”

“he doesn’t call me but people keep telling me he’s been asking about me.” you murmured. that was true. two of his friends came to you asking questions only keonho would be interested in knowing the answers to.

“maybe because he’s like in love with you.”

“he didn’t say that himself.” you said quickly. of course, using that as an excuse gave you more reason to believe that what you did wasn’t as evil as it actually was.

“oh, but i can see it.” she pointed two fingers to her eyes then to you.

“i’m sorry for pushing you away, ian.” you apologised softly, looking at her through your lashes.

“it was because of that bum, i forgive you. but you’ll only earn my heart again if you get with keonho.” she shrugged, tilting her head at you. of course. her kindness was too good to be true. not that getting with keonho was something you weren’t fond of. if anything, it was all you’d been dreaming of.

“can’t do that.” you shook your head.

“huh? are you dense or something? of course you can. just tell him you love him and he’ll be all yours.” she frowned, looking around in confusion.

“but i hurt him. i’m broken.”

“he’ll put you back together then. he’s already been doing that. you don’t look like your heart is breaking when you’re with him.” she said warmly, taking your hands in hers.

“how do i look then?”

“like a girl who’s fucking in love! get your man! and do not go back to that bum.” she giggled, her voice low and very serious at the last part.

“i’ll think about it.”

“you know what? i should’ve just sat alone in the bathrooms. cannot deal with your bullshit.” she let go of your hands with a scoff, getting up from her seat.

“sorry not sorry.” you stuck your tongue out at her.

“you will be if keonho isn’t yours. there’s a party tomorrow and he’ll probably be there. you are coming, no negotiation.” she told you firmly, leaving zero room for discussion. and you knew that very well. even if you didn’t want to go, ian would be at your door exactly an hour before it started to forcefully give you a great night. well, her idea of a great night.

“fine.” you muttered softly.

“that’s more like it. ciao!” she winked at you, waving as she walked off.

a party. with ahn keonho there. there was absolutely no way you’d escape him. either you’d find him or he’d find you. it was inevitable. and you’re not meant to spend your night worrying about seeing someone at a party.

especially if you had been yearning to see them.

because truth be told, you had missed keonho more than would’ve liked to admit. all you could think about was that kiss, all the times you’ve spent with him. each and every single word he said to you.

it forced you to think about your feelings too, the one thing you hated doing. because thinking about your feelings meant acknowledging them and that meant telling yourself that you were in love with keonho. you had never been in love before. no one had ever come close.

it scared you. just the thought of loving him scared you. you didn’t want to let him down and you didn’t want to disappoint him. you didn’t want him to regret committing himself to you nor did you ever want to be anything less than the girl he wanted.

you were used to not being enough. to not be truly wanted. so when a guy comes into your life and looks at you like you’re the reason the world still spins it’s hard not to feel like you’ll ever be enough.

maybe it'd be worth it. maybe you two would make amends.

maybe you’d truly fall in love.

YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE BEEN AWAKE THIS LATE. nor should you have been this wasted yet here you were, drunk out of your mind regretting everything because drowning yourself in some alcohol made thinking about keonho easier. newsflash! you were far from the truth.

you felt horrible, really horrible. like a monster. every time you found out keonho was asking around about you, every time he looked at you like a starving man. every time you remembered that he wanted you. and every time you remembered that you were the one who walked away when all you wanted was to stay.

and sometimes the pain goes away. sometimes it passes over time and you feel a little bit better about the reality of the situation but knowing that he wanted you didn’t bring you comfort. it only made you feel like more of a burden. he was probably staring up at his ceiling, thinking about you. wondering if he should’ve sent a text or called you to hear your voice just once.

you were projecting.

maybe he despised you for your decision. maybe he let you go that day because he realised he was better off being with a girl who was whole and committed. not someone weak like you.

but keonho was too understanding. too good to you. too good for you. he wouldn’t resent you even if he tried. and the thing is that he wouldn’t even try. wouldn’t think of the idea of hating you.

that made it worse.

so, you drank it all away. the worry, the pain, the hurt, the guilt. it made it all better.

“hello?” a familiar voice came from the other line, sounding slightly rough with sleep.

“is that you, keonho?” you asked softly.

“yeah?”

“miss you.” you mumbled, your words slurred.

“are you drunk?” he questioned with subtle concern. you didn’t really like how he didn’t say it back. maybe he truly was mad at you.

“just tipsy.” you breathed out. you most definitely weren’t just tipsy.

“where are you?”

“home.”

“okay.” he said, trying to hide his relief.

“i’m sorry.” you suddenly apologised, you sat up, holding the phone closer to your ear.

“why?”

“i hurt you. and i miss you and you’re just too good to me.” you sighed, your guilt and hurt shining through.

“i miss you too.” he whispered back like a secret between you two, his tone yearning.

“are you mad at me for it?” you asked after a beat of silence, silently wishing he wasn’t.

“no.” he replied immediately. at least he didn’t hate you.

“why?”

“because you’re calling me.” he responded sleepily, his voice deeper. he was talking to you even though he was on the brink of knocking out.

“drunk calling.” you corrected.

“still calling me.” you could hear the smile in his voice. he was happy. that made your heart flutter.

“i’d be mad at me.” you hummed.

“i’m not, isn’t that what matters?” the way he said it made your heart skip a beat. why did he have to be so unintentionally cheesy? well, was it really unintentional?

“yeah.” you agreed.

“why are you drinking?” he questioned once more.

that was an easy question to answer. you simply felt like a monster. like a complete burden. all you had really ever been in keonho’s life was a wreck. and you wrecked him too. yet somehow he managed to fall for you.

“‘cause i feel like shit.” you answered honestly.

“because of me?”

“‘cause of me.”

“i don’t know if you’ll remember in the morning.” he says with hesitation. you wanted to remember. whatever he wanted to tell you, you wanted to remember it like the back of your hand.

“i’ll try for you.”

“i love you, y/n. more than you could imagine.” you felt your chest bloom with warmth, your cheeks burning even more. except it wasn’t just the alcohol, it was because of ahn keonho who loved you.

“aww. you’re sweet.” you giggled.

“all you’re gonna say?” he couldn’t help but chuckle as well.

“no. i just feel a bit lost. i don’t want you to be hurt ‘cause of that. let me sort out my feelings.” you murmured, a bit serious. you meant it. but you knew your feelings. you just didn’t want to say them while you were drunk.

you were conscious enough to know that that was something you didn’t want to do.

“will you be there at the party tomorrow night?” he changed the subject, the question one you didn’t really want to answer. you wanted to but you didn’t at the same time.

“maybe.”

“come. please.” he pleaded faintly with a hint of desperation. what would happen if you went?

“will consider.”

“okay.”

“sleepy.” you babbled.

“go to bed, baby.” he insisted, the pet name sounding so right off his lips. could he call you that every day? could you be his baby?

“i wanna talk to you.” you whined.

“mm-mm.” he hummed in disagreement.

“fine, good night, keonho.” you gave in reluctantly, only cause it was him.

“dream of me.” he whispered, flirty in a way that made you feel so mushy on the inside.

you probably weren’t going to remember the conversation and you’d truly regret getting drunk in the morning but keonho would remember. and you wouldn’t forget the way your heart beat for him.

“THE PARTY HAS ARRIVED!” ian yelled, practically muted from how loud the music was blasting. you face-palmed, clutching your bag tighter as you made an attempt to escape your friend. but, to your demise, she caught up to you.

“hello, party pooper, don’t leave me!” ian called out to you, stumbling to you due to her newly bought heels she couldn’t quite walk in yet, placing a hand on your shoulder.

“where is your boyfriend?” you inquired, stopping your tracks. ian’s eyes lit up instantly, her index tapping her chin.

“oh, good question. i actually do not know.”

“is he not hosting this thing?” you tilted your head, eyebrows raising.

“yeah but like him and martin always do these insane prank thingys and like you can never find them.” she flicked her hair back, looking around where she hoped she could find him.

“right, please go find someone to dance with.” you nodded, backing away a bit.

“oo, because you’re trying your man. i won’t interrupt then.” ian giggled like a little kid, running off to a group of girls, flinging her hands up and cheering with them. you couldn’t help but smile, one of the only times in a while you actually did that, finding an empty couch with no wasted people or couples.

you watched the party unfold before you, red and purple lights that made it look like a club, a cluster of the classic red plastic cups and huge bottles of alcohol scattered across the counter which some clearly drunk people were standing on. an ungodly mix of colognes, perfumes, sweat and alcohol wafting through the air. just like the night you met keonho. except back then, the old you was a lost cause.

some people were sitting on the stairs, talking to people that appeared to be their significant others, girls sobbing into their phones in corners, a bunch of dudes that looked like the swim team cannonballing into the pool. and the couples either making out or dancing. some people even danced with complete strangers due to how intoxicated they were.

the music was loud, so loud you’d think the neighbours would file a noise complaint but the chaos in your head seemed to be much louder.

your eyes found seonghyeon, arms wrapped around a girl as he swayed with her, a smile on his face. it didn’t really look like that usual sarcastic smirk he gave you. it was different. softer maybe. it made your heart constrict in a way you didn’t like. jealousy maybe? you didn’t want to feel jealous. not when you had your growing feelings for keonho.

you immediately got up and found a full cup on the counter. you didn’t bother trying to identify what exactly was in it. all you knew is that it was probably some booze. you were definitely going to have some regrets the next morning. you didn’t care though.

you downed two cups, the burning at the back of your throat eliciting a cough from you. then you went back to the couch, staring into space because that was better than finding seonghyeon and that girl again. better than trying to find keonho.

your thoughts were in a spiral, keonho was consuming them. you just wanted to find him. as much as you didn’t, you did. you’d sink into his arms and never let go, confess everything you had been keeping inside, close to your heart.

you got up again, going upstairs. maybe he’d be up there alone, thinking. keonho had a habit of doing that. just disappearing to think. you hoped he was up there because you started to feel the effects of the alcohol in your wobbling.

you found a door, a small opening from the door not being shut fully. you saw a silver of light peaking out that brought to the conclusion that someone was inside. you slowly opened it, trying not to make a loud creak. there he was. sitting on whoever’s bed it was, his eyes instantly finding yours.

you froze, not saying anything or doing anything. just watching him. he looked good, so good. you wanted to tell him that. but you didn’t. you simply watched him get up and walk to you until he was barely a breath away. then he wrapped his fingers around your wrist, pulling you with him until you were both sitting on the bed.

your shoulder was brushing his, your knees bumping. none of you spoke, just sat side by side in silence, allowing it to do the talking. then his fingers slowly let go of your wrist, sliding down to lacing his fingers with yours. you didn’t hesitate to do the same, squeezing his hand gently in the process.

“do you remember?” he questioned suddenly, staring at you. you couldn’t help but stare back, right into his eyes, looking up through your lashes.

“last night?” your eyebrows furrowed in thought.

“mm.” he hummed.

“not really.” you shook your head.

“do you remember what i said?”

“no.” you saw a flicker of something in his eyes. disappointment maybe. it was all just a blur. you couldn’t remember no matter how hard you tried.

“i told you i love you. more than you know.” he murmured softly, his thumb drawing circles on the back of your hand. he loved you. he truly did love you. that was all you needed.

“i have a feeling there’s more you want to say.”

“mm. i do. you bring this side out of me that i didn’t know was there. i’ve never felt anything like this for anyone before and it scares me. but i love it so much and i just need you. here. i don’t want you to ever leave me,” his other hand twitched at his side as if he wanted to hold you close but was fighting that urge.

“i love you, y/n. since i saw you at that party with that lip gloss. every single day since then, you’ve been on my mind and in my dreams. i just want you to feel the same.” you smiled—barely—fiddling with his necklace with your free hand. his words, so real, raw. that vulnerability only you knew of. it was just love. love you couldn’t deny. love that mirrored your own.

“i do love you. i just pushed you away cause i was scared of not being enough for you. of not being able to be enough for you. but i love you, keonho. you’re the first boy i’ve ever loved and i wouldn’t mind you being my last.” you watched the way his face softened, how his eyes sort of lit up. his arm snaked around your waist, pulling you close, the other letting go of your hand to hold your cheek. then he kissed you.

it wasn’t anything desperate or eager. just gentle, warm. the kind that made the fireworks go off and your heart pound in your chest. that kind that expressed your love without needing words. “you don’t know how much i’ve wanted you to say that.” he whispered, out of breath and in love. you kissed him again, more passionate than the first, the both of you smiling against each other’s lips until you felt like you were suffocating.

“am i your boyfriend now?” he breathed out.

“yeah.” you smiled harder.

“my girl.” he held you to his chest, running his hands through your hair.

you didn’t know how exactly you could describe the feeling of being in love. it was a lot of things. feelings, words, emotions. like a roller coaster. but, it made you whole. it saved you. keonho saved you. he looked at you for one second and realised that he needed you. he loved you without hesitation or doubts. just love.

and it found you before you were a gone girl.

ahn keonho found you before you were a gone girl.

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THE MUSIC WAS BLASTING THROUGH THE SPEAKERS, booming in a way that had you questioning whether you’d leave this party without a burst eardrum. the air carrying cologne and perfume and hints of alcohol from people willing to live in the moment and no care for the consequences the next morning.

and you were there, sitting on a couch god knows how many people made out on, swirling a red cup around that a random girl asked you to hold onto as you watched the night unfold.

you were never really a party girl.

you didn’t like the creeps that hit on you with a date waiting in the corner nor did you like the sight of couples making out in every place you looked. the way parties made the chaos in your head so much louder than it needed to be.

but you sat through it all. the excitement and the bodies that swayed against each other. the acts of intoxication people would either flex or regret. the one person that didn’t seem to focus on what was happening before them.

“need company?”

ahn keonho happened to be them.

he had that smirk he always did, the classic frat boy grin that seemed to be the cherry on top for the stereotypes they claimed they didn’t fit. he just happened to be tolerable.

he was leaning towards you against the arm he had pressed into the cushion, his eyes fixated upon you like you were some mystery that needed solving. you were, maybe. to yourself at least.

the air was all of a sudden thicker.

“no. but i know you’ll stay.”

“how can you be so sure?” he questioned, his grin sitting perfectly on his lips.

“you’re looking at me like you have no intention of leaving.” you murmured, your eyes finding his despite the darkness of the room.

the blue and purple lights outlined his face in all the right places, his stupidly attractive face something you found oddly guilty for being entranced by.

“is that a problem?” he asked once again, rather smug. it was almost like a challenge. a test to see how far he could get with you. a press on one of your buttons.

“what makes you think that?”

“you’re looking at me like it could be.”

“and if it’s not?” you raised an eyebrow.

“then we’ll be the sober ones tonight.” he plopped down next to you, his arm shamelessly draping on the couch behind your head. his hand ghosted over your shoulder, not really there yet but close enough for the both of you to know what this was.

your nose was attacked by the distinct scent of his cologne.

then after a beat of silence.

“why are you alone?” he asked curiously.

“not the party girl.” you replied dryly.

“why are you here?” he turned to look at you.

“friend dragged me along.” you didn’t turn, not yet.

“where is she?”

“probably eating a dude’s face off.”

he paused at the disgust in your tone, amusement crossing his features.

“you not into that?” he raised an eyebrow.

“don’t know what i’m into anymore.” you finally looked at him, resignation in your voice.

“you look like a girl that’s sure of what she wants for herself.” keonho said, tilting his head at you.

“do i?” you asked, more to yourself than to him.

“to me you do.” he looked away.

for some reason, it had this undertone you didn’t really understand.

maybe it was meant to stay that way, unfinished.

“i don’t think i’ve found it yet.”

“we all do eventually.”

“you’re sure of yourself.” you said with a teasing lilt.

“mm-mm, just sure of fate.” he shakes his head, certainty laced in his tone.

“you believe in that?” you raised your eyebrows, seemingly shocked.

ahn keonho believing in fate. the playboy of the century.

you just happened to learn a new thing or two everyday.

“you know you do.” he looked at you like he knew you. and somehow that was worse than your being there at that party.

“just need someone to give me that hope.”

silence fell between you two. what continued to fill the air was the indistinct chatter of fights and laughter. muffled bass from the songs you couldn’t remember the name of playing.

and that undeniable tension between you two that grew quicker than you had intended for.

no one spoke after that.

you could just feel his stare. unwavering.

and you could both feel the beginning of something you weren’t quite sure you were ready for.

KEONHO THOUGHT HE WAS GOING CRAZY. since that party, since whatever was in the air that night, he just saw you everywhere. it was like all of a sudden you were this familiar part of his life and he barely knew you.

but you were always alone.

he saw you on the benches sometimes, drawing in a notebook. alone. he’d find you at the pool before swim practice. alone. he’d find you in the library reading those old books people didn’t touch. the ones that had a cloud of dust if they were hit hard enough.

then he saw seonghyeon with you soon enough. his friend.

it struck him for some reason. every time he saw you two walking together in all the places where you were alone, it made his chest tighten with this feeling he didn’t want to identify.

jealousy.

seonghyeon wasn’t a good guy. he had a bunch of girls lined up, waiting for him, and he played them all. he broke their hearts then moved onto the next.

he never committed to anything serious. feelings were like a game to him. a dirty game. girls knew. they knew he was trouble. everyone did.

yet one smirk had them caught up in his web. and soon enough, someone was asking him what they were while another girl was waiting for their chance.

you didn’t seem to be like those girls to keonho. you were different.

that night at the party. he wasn’t sure what it was about you. maybe it was the fact that you made ahn keonho think about you at night.

he usually didn’t bother himself with girls. when he did, it was just to give them the “five seconds of fame” they wanted. cause being with ahn keonho was like winning the lottery for some odd reason.

though he wouldn’t really date himself.

but he could only think about the cherry red lip gloss you wore. the way it shimmered. the way your hair framed your face in a way that made you look like something to chase after. your solitude.

he just wasn't used to girls being aloof. maybe that’s what was memorable about you.

keonho thought maybe you weren’t someone that would find themselves trapped in seonghyeon’s orbit. he didn’t want you to be.

he didn’t think you were his. he just felt it in the way you looked at him like you knew all the answers to questions he didn’t realise were there.

but you were there, a soft smile on your lips as you looked up at seonghyeon, that charming smirk plastered across his face.

you were going to get hurt. be like every girl he’s ever played. just another one of seonghyeon’s girls he wouldn’t chase after when it was all over. no matter how many times he said you meant something to him.

he would always replace you and the cycle would repeat itself until seonghyeon felt his heart beat for someone.

keonho wondered if that day would ever come.

“thought you’d be here with seonghyeon.”

“hm?” you hummed like you didn’t hear him.

“why are you alone?” he asked, his knee brushing yours as he sat down.

“he’s busy.” of course he was. he was feeding another girl some words he was going to tell you later.

“with what?” he raised an eyebrow. it was a test.

“he’s your friend.” you finally looked at him, your face softer than at that party.

“why do you hang out?” he blurted out.

curiosity killed the cat, they say.

“well, you’re curt.” you muttered, looking at him from your peripheral.

“i asked a question.” he said, rather firm.

“why’s that any of your business, keonho?” you turned to him fully, defensiveness in your tone.

here we go. what excuse were you going to use?

“because i can see it in your eyes.”

“see what?” you were playing dumb.

“that void you’re trying to fill. you think seonghyeon is the answer.” he murmured, more of an accusation than a statement.

you opened your mouth to deny it but nothing fell out. just that stare. he could see it. the way it narrowed like you were fuming then went back to normal like you had accepted it.

part of you knew he was right. but everyone has pride. and you weren’t going to admit it.

even with that soft smile when he saw you two together, it never really reached your eyes. it seemed like something you had to use to prove seonghyeon could change.

despite himself, keonho seemed to care about you in a way words couldn’t define. it wasn’t something you’d be able to tell immediately. it was just there.

he could see it in your eyes and in all the times seonghyeon had his arm around your waist that you weren’t happy. you were trying to be.

but you just weren’t.

and you looked like you were trying to figure keonho out. you couldn’t. he was odd in that way.

“there’s no void.” you finally muttered. you sounded like you were trying to convince yourself more than the boy in front of you.

“eh.”

“seriously.” you nodded. even you couldn’t believe your words.

“taking it with a grain of salt.” it sounded like mockery. it probably was.

“don’t talk like you know me.” defense mode back on.

“don’t act like seonghyeon will change for you. trust me. he won’t.” he looked at you once more, your eyes darker. your walls were coming up.

“you don’t know that.” come on, y/n. you’re better than this.

“i know him well enough, y/n,” his voice raised. he could see the subtle shock in your eyes. even he was surprised by himself. “don’t be stupid like everybody else.” he mumbled, looking at his feet.

“why? because i’m different?” you had figured him out, a little.

“to me you are.” there it was. those stupid words that made your heart constrict. the way he spoke like you meant something to him and you had basically just met.

“don’t you have a girl to kiss before swim practice?” you tilted your head at him. he couldn’t know what those words meant to you.

“probably.” now he was being cool.

“is it me?” and you were being curt. he almost choked on nothing.

you?

he thought back to that lip gloss you had on at that party. how many times had seonghyeon kissed it off? maybe you wore a different one just for him.

“hm.” he didn’t know what the right answer was.

“you’re considering it?” you caught him. he was considering it. how would your lips taste?

he’d just ask seonghyeon.

“eh.” now he was trying to be cool.

“you’re weird.” you let out a huff, one that sounded like a laugh, shaking your head.

“you’re weirder.” he tilted his head at you.

“fair.” you pressed your lips in a tight line.

after a beat of silence.

“i know seonghyeon won’t change. i just have hope, that’s all.” he could hear it. that hope. you wanted him to feel something. the odds wouldn’t work in your favour unfortunately.

“don’t get them up then. you’ll hurt yourself.” he knew you weren’t going to look at him when he said that.

so, somehow, his fingers were turning your face to him. one breath and he’d know what seonghyeon got to experience every day.

not now.

“i think i already have.” your eyes were wide. your cheeks dusted light pink. you were flustered. a new look on you.

could keonho be seonghyeon for a day?

“hm. gotta go.” he let go quickly, slinging his duffel bag over his shoulder as he sprang up.

he had to go before he felt himself blushing.

“i was right.”

“yeah, about swim practice.”

“no girls?” you asked.

“no girls.” he shook his head.

“liar.” your eyes narrowed playfully.

“kiss you later, y/n.” he winked at you, running off.

“weirdest!” you called out, a smile gracing your lips.

he was grinning too, you just weren’t supposed to see it. but he knew that you knew he was smiling.

seonghyeon was there after all.

but something about you made him think that maybe there was a lot more to the story. seonghyeon was just a mere fraction of it.

YOU DIDN’T KNOW WHY YOU WERE STILL WAITING AROUND FOR HIM. why seonghyeon was still apart of your life. wait! that was another lie. you did know. you had a void. keonho knew it too. you didn’t like his perceptiveness.

seonghyeon said no strings attached. no labels. he was speaking more for himself than he was for you. he knew you’d come back to him each time, desperately. that’s how he liked it. because your constant presence was a guarantee. he didn’t have to question whether you come back or not after an argument but the answer was already there.

he had the easy job. telling you wanted to hear, stringing you along then breaking your heart into pieces. he didn’t care about what mess he’d turn your life into.

it was his satisfaction.

yet somehow you fell victim to his sweet little words and the kisses he was probably giving someone else after school hours. just like you. you were quite used to it. the line “no strings attached.” very used to it actually. way too used to it.

you didn’t know how many seonghyeons have come in and out of your life, destroying every bit of effort you put into reversing the damage of the last. or what you said would be the last. your broken heart was just waiting to take another hit from the next person.

for as long as you remembered, you never had anything serious with boys. the universe hated you in that way. how many times you’ve said, “what are we?” you didn’t know. how many times you tried to get yourself together? you didn’t know.

how many times that you’d felt like a pathetic little idiot? a lot. you didn’t have the numbers.

each time you promised yourself that you wouldn’t let another guy hurt you again, it was another crack in your heart. another blow to the very few remnants of your dignity.

you lost the light in you. a long time ago. you were fucked up. beyond it probably.

you just wished that seonghyeon would give you a definite answer. that maybe it wasn’t really over. maybe he’d kiss you and tell you that he loved you. or maybe it would just be another point to ahn keonho.

one knock on his door. he didn’t answer.

another. maybe he was out.

third, harsh. the door was moving with you.

it was already open. someone was inside.

maybe he just didn’t hear you come inside.

the dorm was a mess. as always.

you didn’t like the silence. as you stepped closer and closer, you could hear it. loud and clear. the laughter, her giggles.

his voice. he was whispering something to her. it felt like déjà vu. you didn’t want it to be real. you really wanted it to be all in your head this time.

the door was open slightly, like they were asking to be caught. you saw it. he was smiling at her. she was on his lap. it wasn’t you. then they kissed. just like he did with you.

you couldn’t bear it.

the tears were falling faster than you could blink. and suddenly your feet were taking control. your breaths were uneven, your cheeks wet with tears you didn’t think would end.

you ignored the pain in your legs, how pathetic you probably looked. you wanted to keep running. you didn’t want to stop until you left it all behind.

you wanted to erase seonghyeon from your memory, from your life.

you wanted to forget how good of a kisser he was, how his words made you run back each and every single time you told yourself that you wouldn’t.

you didn’t have to ask what you were. that was a stupid question. you knew exactly what you were. just another one of eom seonghyeon’s girls.

and just another stupid girl that chased after something that wasn’t ever there.

another point of ahn keonho.

you knew you’d go back to him. you did. seonghyeon worked like that. and you felt so stupid for crying. why waste your tears on him of all people? all it took was one text and you’d be back in his dorm, kissing him till he was all you could think about.

he wasn’t the one you had to change. it was you. you knew that a long time ago. it was easier to ignore it than let it be known.

you were alone. you needed to escape now. just forget about him for the time being.

and maybe break this cycle for once.

THE WATER SLOSHED GENTLY AS YOU MOVED YOUR LEGS, cold on your skin. you’d get used to it. it gets warm just after a little while, right after you forget how the pain felt again. you felt the dry stains of your tears on your cheeks. the pitiful girl you were an hour earlier.

you were just numb. and you also didn’t really know what to think about either. you were praying the swim team didn’t have any practice that day. you just needed to be alone without hearing their annoyingly deep voices they forced. without hearing anything but the water.

keonho crossed your mind for some reason.

you thought about the night at that party. why did he sit next to you? why did he even talk to you to begin with? did you just happen to look like player bait or something?

maybe you looked like the perfect girl to prey on. seonghyeon beat him to it.

but then again, he came to you on the benches. he talked to you. he asked about you. he knew seonghyeon wasn’t good for you. why would he care?

he didn’t come to kiss you. just that casual flirting that added to the tension between you two. you wondered if he even realised it was there. or maybe you just let every interaction with a guy become romantic.

despite yourself, you were curious about him. he intrigued you. frat boys didn’t intrigue you. if anything they irked you out so badly you’d do anything to rid them of their existence.

their stupid red cups and their stupid voices.

you didn’t even know how keonho became one. he didn’t look like the kind to rock a varsity jersey. but, he proved you wrong. the day of the basketball finals. they were all lined up, taking a photo with another one of the trophies they won for the school.

you found him oddly attractive. not that he was ugly. he was just not your type.

then the party. he looked at you like he would go on forever trying to understand everything about you. a boy had never looked at you that way. you were just used to being some eye candy or something. the temporary feeling of being “seen.”

then he looked at you like he knew you and you felt your heart pounding. crazy for a guy that wasn’t your type.

you didn’t know what ahn keonho was. nor did you know what he was to you. he was just ahn keonho. the guy on the basketball team. the guy that looked hot in a varsity jersey. the boy with the fraternity smile and the curiosity in his eyes.

that was all that he was to you. and maybe you’d only ever have small talks that went beyond the surface level once in a blue moon.

“oh, y/n! fancy seeing you here. waiting for me?” the man of the hour, the familiar grin gracing his lips in the way you’ve known best.

god, just kill me.

of course the one day you needed him to get away from all noise it just had to follow you. maybe you were psychic.

“was hoping you wouldn’t be here.” you answered dryly, watching the ripples in the water.

“i’m actually not supposed to be. well, not necessarily.” he sat next to you, his legs sliding into the water.

“what do you mean?” you looked at him.

“not a practice day.” he was already looking at you, leaning back on his arms.

“so?”

“just wanted to get some laps. and well, found something else to keep me busy.” he had a gentle smirk on his face. he was about to piss you off, you thought.

but you couldn’t deny the softness of it. you didn’t like the fact that you could even tell the difference. maybe he didn’t want to make your head explode for once.

“you saw me here?” you raised an eyebrow, your tone slightly shocked.

“well, possibly. but i came for the laps first. you just gave me more reason to stay.” you didn’t like those words. no, let’s rephrase. you didn’t like how much you liked those words.

“i’ll pretend i have significance in your life.” you didn’t want to. wait, why didn’t i want to? fuck! all you could do was pray he didn’t say otherwise.

“you don’t have to pretend.” of course he said that, he’s ahn keonho!

“how exactly?” did you really want to know? not exactly. did you already know? probably. for some reason you felt that hearing it come from his mouth and not your head would make everything worse.

“well, y/n. since you aren’t exactly einstein, i’ll put it for you simply: i actually care about you.” there it was. the way he looked at you. the subtle change in his glance that made you believe him partly. the way his lips softened to this hint of a smile.

did he realise what he was doing?

“you’ve known me for how long?” you questioned, an excuse for him to not be so… caring?

“hey, i know enough to have the tiniest soft spot for you.” he gestured with his fingers, squinting his eyes. part of you couldn’t wrap your head around him having a soft spot for you. another part also wouldn’t let you be convinced that his hypothetical soft spot for you was the tiniest.

“how flattering.” you didn’t even bother hiding your sarcasm.

“girls would ogle if i said that.” the way he said it made you think it wasn’t something he enjoyed. fair. well, who would enjoy being bombarded with heart eyes in every corner they look?

“should i?” you asked softly.

“i like that you don’t.” you hated the way his smile grew. he never stopped making you feel different in a way that was like no other. it made you feel special for once.

“sure.” back to being dry again.

“you were crying.” his eyes traced the tear stains on your cheeks, his hand twitching at his side as if he wanted to touch them.

“mm.” you hummed softly, your eyes fixed on the glittering water. fuck his curiosity. you didn’t want to do that, not then.

“seonghyeon?” who else was capable of crushing you the way he did?

“saw him kissing a girl in his dorm.” you mumbled. it left this bitter taste in your mouth. you hated it. you hated how much you hurt and how much you missed him. how you just took it all. whatever it was you had.

“fuck. are you okay?” he sat up in an instant, his body so much closer to you than you would’ve liked. except you didn’t seem to have much of a problem with it.

his hand hovered over your shoulder, twitching once more with that urge to touch you again. he gave in this time. you hadn’t felt that comforted by someone’s touch.

“i’ll cry if you ask that.” this was you being honest. and raw. you looked in his eyes with nothing but vulnerability. keonho couldn’t break that. he couldn’t break you.

not the way seonghyeon did.

“i’ll answer it myself.” his other hand boldly yet cautiously reached for your chin, turning your head to face him. the blue pool lights illuminated his face so perfectly, almost like at that party. just… better.

you didn’t want to look away. you didn’t want to pull away either. you liked this, whatever it was. the magnetic pull you felt, quite subtle but something that added to the tension between you two that became harder and harder to ignore.

“thanks.” you whispered softly, your eyes boring into his.

somehow without you realising it, your hand found his. your fingers lacing with his like it was something natural. so natural and so right.

“i’ll leave if you want to take laps.” you murmured, breathy and barely audible, so soft like any noise would ruin that moment.

you didn’t want to leave.

“mm-mm. stay.” and you were hoping he wanted you to stay. he moved closer, slightly. just enough to make your heart race.

“why?” did you really want to know why?

“gonna take laps with you.” not what you were expecting. and the way he said it made you think that it wasn’t exactly up for discussion.

“how?”

“well, not laps.”

“then what?” before you could finish asking, he jumped in the pool, splashing water all over you. you gasped the second the cold droplets hit your skin, your body freezing.

“keonho!” you called out, your shoulders tense.

“what?” he asked innocently, looking up at you with his wet hair and droplets dripping from his face.

“the water is freezing.”

“i can make it warmer.” he said with a smirk.

“please don’t piss in here.” you whined gently.

“not the method i was thinking of.” he moved closer to you, grabbing your hands.

“so?”

“come.” he said, no arguments, no pleading. just a simple “come.” you hated how much you wanted to listen. don’t go in.

“you’re joking.” you wished he was but the both of you knew he wasn’t.

“completely serious.”

“don’t like swimming.” you shook your head.

“i’ll make you love it.” he held your hands close to his wet face.

“don’t wanna mess my clothes up.” another excuse.

“they’ll dry.” then your hands were cupping his cheeks, his on top of them. his hands were surprisingly warm for someone who was in icy water.

“my hair.”

“wet hair would be gorgeous on you.” that got to you. the easiness of it. that undertone. you could feel the sincerity. he truly did believe that. you felt like letting him see just how gorgeous you’d be.

“you just don’t stop, hm?” you raised an eyebrow. no, he didn’t.

“not till i get what i want.” it had an edge of something. possessiveness maybe? certainty. was he sure of getting you right where he wanted you?

“what do you want?”

“to swim with you, so come.” he tugged your hands, bringing you closer to the edge. just one more tug and you’d be inside.

whoops!

he pulled you once more, your body sinking beneath the surface just for a few seconds, bubbles surrounding you.

you could already feel the goosebumps.

“keonho!” you wiped your face, scowling at him.

“hm?” he hummed like he didn’t hear you, grinning like a cheshire cat.

“it’s freezing.”

“told you i can make it warmer.” he murmured, moving closer to you until he was just one breath away.

“how?” it was a test. a mere challenge. what would he do when given the chance?

“like this.” his arms slid around your waist, holding your body against his until your chests touched. now he’d definitely know how fast your heart was beating.

you just hoped he wouldn’t say anything about it.

“don’t think it’s working.” that was lie. you didn’t like how his embrace did indeed make you feel so much warmer.

“it can make other things warm too.” he squeezed your sides gently, a feeling you didn’t realise you needed until now.

“like what?” your arms wrapped around his neck daringly, your head tilting to the side almost as if it would make you see him better.

“hearts.” he just had to say that.

“cheesy.”

“always.” he smiled once more, swaying with you gently.

you stayed quiet for a bit. just allowing yourself to be free with him. no tension, no stiffness. just letting go for a bit. and for the first time, you felt so at ease. whole. you felt so whole.

you hadn’t felt whole like that with a guy. not that you could ever recall or remember. you didn’t want to imagine another time you ever felt this way. you liked that it was your first with him because keonho was different.

in this moment you couldn’t tell yourself that he had any frat boy bone in him. it was a different keonho.

one you didn’t really know of. just one that was sweeter than you had thought. gentle. surprisingly good at taking your mind off things.

weirdly cheesy for a “player.”

your hair clung to your face like it didn’t plan on letting go any time soon, your clothes seemingly doing the same thing. whatever remains of your heartbreak prior had washed away, your body soaked with another feeling.

you looked up at him again. he was already staring. your eyes darted away, avoiding his gaze. he didn’t say anything, just left out a soft huff that sounded similar to a chuckle. then your head was on his chest before you could even think about anything else. he did that. he wanted it. you did too.

you didn’t even need to question it. not with the way his racing heart’s rhythm matched your own. the way it slowed as you sank deeper into his arms.

you didn’t understand why you liked this. why it felt so out of this world. so unreal. it wasn’t anything like you’d ever experienced. nothing like what seonghyeon could ever bring to the table. but you didn’t want it to be what you were thinking.

not while you were crying over someone else.

but, when your hands laid on his chest along with your head and you sniffed out the faint scent of his cologne that hadn’t yet washed away, you felt it.

somewhere in your heart, keonho was there. against your will. without warning. keonho was waiting there. he was waiting in line. you just had to give him the keys to the lock.

“thank you.” you whispered, not looking at him. just focused on the water’s surface and sloshes and how he held you there. not trapped or loose. just secure enough for you to forget about your worries for a moment.

“for what?” his fingers were threading through your wet strands. he knew exactly what you would say. you just happened to know that he took pleasure in hearing you tell him what he wanted to hear.

“helping me forget about him. first time i’ve felt whole in a while.”

“don’t say thank you. it’s my specialty.” he said, a hint of cockiness in his tone. of course he’d do that. he was ahn keonho. he needed to toot his horn every once in a while. you just assumed it was an instinct.

“so i’m not the first to receive these services?” you lifted your head up, scrutinizing him. you wanted to feel special, just for a second. just one. in a way that seonghyeon wouldn’t let you. you wanted to know what it’d be like.

“oh no, of course you are.” it was the way he said it. like there was just no possible way that he could have ever made anyone feel this way, that anyone else could take the place you didn’t realise you had in his life until now.

“of course?” you couldn’t hide the shock in your tone, your eyebrow raising.

“of course.” he insisted, his eyes never leaving your own. he had this habit of insisting on things. especially with you. he insisted on a lot of things. one of the reasons why you couldn’t bring yourself to see him as a liar.

a lot of the things he insisted on were true.

you just trusted him enough.

and you didn’t like how easy it felt to trust his word. for him to be so convincing just by repeating the same words a third time.

“so i do have significance in your life?” it was more of a question than a statement, a hint of hope creeping in. you didn’t want to sound like someone craving validation but you were already desperate for it the second you let seonghyeon into your life.

the both of you knew you wanted and needed it.

“yeah.” he assured, almost like he knew exactly what you were thinking. it made you feel sure. you didn’t know why you had doubts anyway. maybe you were finally starting to figure out your feelings for once.

“don’t have to pretend with you?” you tilted your head.

“not like how you do with him. just be… you.” he knew it. he knew it was all a cover up. a facade. he knew you so well and it had only been weeks. weeks. it intrigued you. but it also made you feel seen.

everything you wished seonghyeon would show you, he did. everything you need seonghyeon to give you, he did. keonho did it all without being begged or being guilted into it.

he did it all willingly. he wanted you in his arms just for a little while and he just wanted to see that pain fade away. even if it was just temporary. that was what he wanted.

that was all you needed to realise that maybe he was worth it. maybe ahn keonho was worth falling for.

“fine.”

you laid your head back on his chest and watched the stars dust the sky. you had to get home soon. you didn’t really care. he’d probably walk you home without discussion. you wanted that anyway.

you just wanted to enjoy whatever that was. just feeling close to being loved. maybe you’d forget this feeling in the morning or maybe it’d cloud your dreams. maybe you wouldn’t be able to sleep at night cause you were debating whether or not you made the smart decision to have feelings for two people at once.

most likely all of the above if you’re lucky enough to forget how it felt the next day.

you surely were going to be unlucky. very unlucky.

THE POOL INCIDENT BROUGHT YOU CLOSER THAN YOU HAD THOUGHT. more like than keonho had thought for the most part. keonho wasn’t used to the concept of actually being close to a girl. it was usually just desperate attention seekers who thought that being with him was like getting a million bucks.

keonho couldn’t ever bring himself to understand how anyone could ever want to be next to him so badly. he didn’t think he was worth all the heart eyes and the giggles. they never lasted long anyway. a lot of his relationships, if you can even call them that, simply centered around being the news of the week which would die down eventually and find its place in something we call history.

he didn’t care. keonho didn’t care about a lot of things actually. it never bothered him. he just felt like it was stupid and a tiny little boost to his ego. but you were the first girl he truly looked at. actually had conversations with. felt genuinely concerned for. cared for. you were all of those firsts.

keonho wasn’t one for change but for you, he felt himself doing just that. he stopped kissing girls by the locker rooms before practice. he also stopped giving his jacket to every other girl that stared at it a second longer.

he just let his old habits die. unconsciously. he felt the difference one day. the day he caught you going back to your old ways.

it was a friday, five in the evening. he had just finished practice. he wanted to see you. he felt that want growing each and every day. faster than he would’ve liked. and he started to realise that tension and what it was doing to him. how it was altering his mind in a way that kept him up at night thinking about you.

he went to your usual spot, the small bench behind some of the classrooms close to the pool with this huge tree you named fern. why did you name it fern? cause you were too lazy to think of an actual name. why did you name it to begin with? because you were bored. you told him fern was one of the only “friends” you could vent to. first it was only. then keonho came around and that changed.

more change.

he was looking forward to seeing you, most likely sketching a small doodle in your book with headphones plugged in, seemingly unaware of whatever was going on around you.

but then he heard that voice. the same voice that was going to crush your heart with no mercy. seonghyeon. then he heard you. one peak and he saw you both kissing. full on make out.

keonho wasn’t supposed to feel anything. that wasn’t a part of the script. but he did. as much he didn’t want to or even told himself not to, he did anyway. and it stung. the only thing that ever stings are his scrapes on the rough concrete of the pool walls. not stupid feelings.

yet he still felt hurt. for the first time ever. because of a girl. another first for ahn keonho. and somehow, another win for you, y/n l/n.

he was gone before you could even blink, that anger or disappointment—whatever it was—sending him into overdrive.

maybe this is what you felt like, seeing seonghyeon and that girl. that’s the pain you felt, just a hundred times worse. worse enough to have you making out with him when you should have been moving on from him. with keonho instead. selfish, he knew that. you weren’t even his. but for some reason, in that moment when his feelings seemed to be controlling his body, that’s what he felt he needed.

KEONHO WAS AVOIDING YOU. it was final. something that you didn’t even have to question. since the afternoon you decided to make the extremely idiotic decision to make out with the one guy that was out to make your life hell, he hadn’t been talking to you.

you didn’t know why exactly.

you just felt it shift somewhere in the air. shorter replies, physical distance between you two. his eyes always locked on something else that wasn’t your face. and when you felt him look for just a second, it was gone. he’d always stay.

something was wrong.

you don’t know why you thought that seonghyeon was actually being sensible for once. when he texted you to come to your usual spot. you hated how you thought you were special for him remembering, but anyone that knew you briefly or just saw you around often would know that the huge tree graced with pink blossoms was your second home.

then came the apology. you heard that a couple times from him. the logical part of your brain would deny him more and more as the occurrences continued. that ticked him off and you knew it. but when you thought you had finally won, finally stopped yourself from falling for him. finally broke the cycle. he would hold you in his arms and stare at you like you were the only thing that mattered.

you knew he’d done the same with other girls, but for some reason that need to feel special and validated overpowered all kinds of logic.

then you were making out with him again and you knew you’d be crawling back.

that’s how it always goes. and you hated it. more than you loved it. god, you fucking hated it so much.

but it felt weird the last time. it felt wrong. it always felt wrong. but it felt like you were committing a crime you’d get big jail time for.

you pulled away from him before it could even start. seonghyeon didn’t say anything. he just looked at you. not like you were his or like the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen. but like something that had no purpose. something he didn’t need anymore.

for the first time it didn’t hurt. you didn’t care. because keonho was clouding your judgment. your thoughts. and your heart too. and you needed him at that moment.

you ran. as far away as you could. like you didn’t want seonghyeon to find you again. you wanted to go somewhere where only keonho would find you. only keonho could make you happy. only he could have your heart.

you had feelings. you actually had feelings. you didn’t want them to be the kind of feelings you harboured for seonghyeon. the kind that were just there in your heart to prove a point to your head. the kind that you just needed to keep there to feel sane. normal.

these feelings didn’t feel that way.

they felt oddly real. you didn’t know if it was right to hate or love them. you didn’t know what to do with them. maybe it was just better to stick to seonghyeon.

he was easier to deal with. your feelings for him were easier to deal with. you knew what to expect each time and you knew what to tell yourself to feel each time. and what to do. it was a routine.

keonho was unpredictable. different. his feelings weren’t something you knew or were sure of. he just did things that made you question if you were truly sane. you liked it. but you couldn’t love it.

just tell yourself you love hyeon, y/n. it’s easier that way.

maybe keonho saw you guys kissing. maybe. you hoped he didn’t. you prayed that it was just because seonghyeon bragged about it like an asshole. not because keonho actually saw.

on the days when you and keonho didn’t talk, you thought back on that day. on that kiss with seonghyeon. you didn’t really like it. then you remembered that keonho was right about you.

and you’d go back to wishing that was keonho in his place.

why? because somehow you were actually feeling something for someone.

and it was ahn keonho of all people on this planet.

KEONHO FELT LIKE A SEONGHYEON CLONE. okay, maybe not a clone. maybe like a project. okay that’s definitely the wrong word for it. hmm, what was i like, huh? a carbon copy of hyeon then. yeah, a carbon copy of hyeon.

since keonho saw that ungodly sight—he was being dramatic—he chose to ignore you. he’d talk to you sometimes, just to see your face again and hear your voice without forgetting it but it didn’t erase the feelings he had.

keonho liked you. that had probably been established the day he saw you at that house party. he did. but he was feeling so much more than that that he couldn’t even explain it. he’d find himself on google sometimes, researching about his feelings like he was trying to diagnose himself with something. love.

he didn’t like what his search history had become. he was even on reddit. reddit!

why can’t i stop thinking about her?

what to do when you miss a girl a lot?

how to tell if you’re in love with someone?

do i love her?

yeah, he was gone.

keonho wasn’t a love person. he didn’t do those things. maybe he’d say it sometimes to girls that wouldn’t leave him alone but that didn’t mean he meant it. the words felt empty when he said them. so incredibly empty. they felt meaningless.

and sometimes he wondered if he could ever say those words and feel something. he prayed that day would come. he didn’t know why at first.

but as he lay awake every night, thinking of your face and your voice. your hair. your smile. the aching desire to feel your touch just once more. that day at the pool.

he realised that he wanted to feel it for you.

but that was impossible. seonghyeon was there. and keonho was probably just some coping mechanism to you. you never really showed him any signs of reciprocation. not even the tiniest hint of feelings. he was just someone that would try to snap you out of your stupidity with some eye contact and advice with a hint of flirt from time to time.

so what did he do?

he dated girls. a bunch of them. just to fill in that place where you laid. that large part of his heart he didn’t even know was there.

at first he was extremely reluctant, he was probably always going to be. but his feelings were getting so much stronger than he could control. and each and every single time you came to him to talk just for a little while, he got so much closer to the edge of risking it all that he just had to push you away for his sake and your own.

he needed some kind of distraction. because if he had nothing but a pool and a basketball and his stupid friends, that growing want for you was soon going to fuck him up. and you. and possibly mess with the balance of the universe.

those relationships didn’t really last long. his record was four weeks. it was all the same recycled bullshit over and over again. it made him wonder if he was aromantic or if those girls were just full of shit. then he thought of you and realised that they were just shit.

the same “i love you” texts after everything. the concern that came when he decided the break up was nearing. the begging to wear his varsity jacket at his games and the “cute” stories on instagram.

being with those girls in public felt like a humiliation ritual. he hated it so much. so fucking much. each time he kissed their cheeks and held their hands, he wished it was you. every single time he gave them a back hug in front of their friends to “seal the deal” it just made it worse.

and there was a time he saw you. he was holding another girl’s hand while she had her head on his shoulder. she was rambling about something he couldn’t be bothered to care about. he’d just listen enough to know when to hum and be “happy” for her.

you were alone this time. you looked a little different. no cherry red lip gloss. just a soft pink one. no bangs framing your face, just some waves that bounced perfectly with each step. your outfits barely changed but it was enough for him to tell the difference.

you looked so unlike yourself. so soft, gentle. like you were trying hard to be something you were not. you’d only ever do that if there was some part of your life you were trying to leave behind. he knew you well enough to know that was the reason. the only reason.

you looked at him for a second, then at her. and he saw something flicker in your eyes quickly. hurt. yeah, that’s what it looked like. it faded quickly but he didn’t stop looking. then you looked back at him again. longing. you looked like someone who desperately missed a person that was right in front of them.

you stared a little longer that time. almost like you wanted him to realise it. like you wanted him to run to you and pull him in his arms while you told him all the secrets you locked away. and he almost did.

he let go of his girlfriend’s hand and almost sprang up.

but you turned away, walked faster like staying there would have made you do something you would’ve regretted. or maybe you just thought keonho would regret it.

but keonho wanted you. he needed you like air. and he hated what he became because of his feelings. this stupid “player” trying to rid himself of the love he felt for a girl trapped in an endless cycle of pain.

he was hurting you and hurting himself. that was worse than losing any swim comp. worse than missing a game-winning shot.

he was losing himself for you. he was watching you lose yourself for a guy that didn’t care. and he needed to get you back.

he was gone.

but he didn’t want you to be a gone girl.

not before he got his seat at the table.

SEONGHYEON THIS, SEONGHYEON THAT. why was he still in your life? you’d ask yourself that every single day but when you thought you had the answer to it, you didn’t. he was just there. something to fill the void and something to get your mind off keonho. well, he was originally supposed to fill the void. then you actually grew to feel something for him. attachment. then keonho rolled around, showing you what it’s actually like to be loved and you haven’t stopped thinking about him since. haven’t stopped wondering what his girlfriends were bringing to the table.

wondering if he’d ever ask you to be his. you’d just tell yourself if he really wanted to, he would have done that a long time ago even with seonghyeon being there. would you have dropped to your knees crawling to him or seonghyeon? you didn’t know. not at first. but as time went on, you realised you would have indeed ran to keonho if you got the chance. too late, maybe.

you still had those feelings for seonghyeon. the ones that made you feel like you couldn’t live without him. the same very ones that also made you feel like he was a good person with a good heart he didn’t know how to use yet. you wanted to be the test subject. the first experiment. first and last.

but as time went by, you started questioning if there was really a future with him. if seonghyeon was ever worth your time. if there was even a point in him still being in your life when keonho existed. but you’d kiss him and even when part of you didn’t like it like you used to, you felt that attachment. that part of you that couldn’t let go of seonghyeon even when you tried.

you weren’t trying hard enough.

“hyeon.” you asked softly, twisting the hem of his shirt between your fingers.

“yeah, baby?” he didn’t look at you, just stilled his hand where it was on your waist. you didn’t like how he called you baby. with this faux sweetness which seemed to be a feeble attempt at ending the conversation before it could even start.

he knew what you were going to ask. what are we? or some bullshit like that.

“i can’t do this anymore.” not what he was expecting, worse actually.

“you saw us, didn’t you. it didn’t mean anything.” his grip on your waist tightened by a fraction, the words tinged with this edge you didn’t like. that look on his face.

he was gaslighting you. well, he was about to.

“you say that all the time.” you let go of his shirt, pulling away from him. but he didn’t let you move, tugging you back to him.

“cause it’s true.” he muttered, his eyes narrowing. you hated it so much, his touch. something you used to crave now disgusted you. it made your skin crawl.

“then why are you always with another girl?” you got up off his lap by luck, his hands falling at his sides. he didn’t say anything for a moment, just stared at you like you were the bad guy.

“because i need space. you’re clingy and you get all sentimental and emotional about everything.” emotional? all you wanted was to be loved and that seemed to be a character flaw in seonghyeon’s book.

“it’s called having feelings.”

“i told you no strings attached.” he looked up at you, knowingly. he was right. for the first time, you couldn’t argue with that. you let him walk into your life knowing fully well what it would do to you.

“so i was just some game to you? you feel nothing for me?” but, it still hurt. your eyes burned with the realisation, your eyes fluttering to keep it together. you weren’t going to cry in front of eom seonghyeon and give him the satisfaction of successfully breaking you he wanted.

“yeah, you were, what else was it supposed to be?” he raised his eyebrows like he couldn’t think of what else you could’ve possibly been.

“real, maybe?” you hated how your voice cracked, how the realisation was settling in faster than you would’ve liked. you were simply just a placeholder. something he’d run to when no one else was around.

and he didn’t care about you. he just told you what you wanted to hear because facing the reality of the situation was far more complicated than feeding into your fantasies.

“big things you’re asking for.”

“wanting basic love and affection are big things?”

“expecting it from me is. you know how i am. don’t make me feel bad for you chasing something that was never there.” that was your breaking point. the tears balanced on your waterline, your eyes fluttering in an instant once more like an instinct. it was.

“you’re unbelievable.” you choked out, running a frustrated hand through your hair. you weren’t mad at him, not anymore, you were mad at yourself for staying. for settling for less. for letting him walk over you and have his way with you.

“no, you’re just pathetic. go beg for validation and some cuddles from someone else.” he shrugged, his words humiliating.

“you were stringing me along.” you whispered, a broken whimper. you couldn’t hide the betrayal that you felt, the sadness.

you wasted so much time wishing for something you’d never get. he was never going to give you what you wanted and that was final. you realised that a long time ago. but it made it easier to pretend that it wasn’t true because that meant you had a reason to let yourself stay. to hope. to let him kiss you over and over.

“only told you what you wanted to hear, baby. you stayed on your own.” he shook his head, lifting a finger.

“you’re an asshole.” you tried to sound angry, tried to sound strong. but it came out small. weak. that’s what he made you. fragile. god, eom seonghyeon was the last person you had ever wanted to see you like this.

“tell me something i don’t know.” he crossed his arms over his chest nonchalantly, seemingly unbothered by you.

“it’s over. we’re done.” you grabbed your things in a rush, blinking away some more tears, hurrying out the room.

“mm.” he hummed casually, watching you leave with this sarcastic smirk plastered across his face.

the second you were out of that classroom, it all came crashing in. the tears streamed down your face with no end nearby, your vision blurred. your chest heaved with short gasps and broken sobs, your body slumping against a locker.

in that moment, you were thinking of keonho. of his many warnings, of his touch. the way your heart skipped a beat at least once whenever he was around. how he treated you like no other. keonho would’ve held you in his arms and told you it would be okay if he was with you.

you thought of your feelings. who your heart was truly beating for. it wasn’t seonghyeon. it probably never was seonghyeon. it was keonho. he made you feel like you were living in another world. with his dumb jokes and his oddly perfect ways of bringing you comfort.

you couldn’t think of anything else. just about how pathetic you were and how much you were yearning for that stupid frat boy.

i need you, keonho.

IT WAS A FRIDAY SO YOU COULD BE ALONE AT THE POOL. no noise or boys. just you. though you wished keonho was there. usually he would’ve been in the pool by now but there seemed to be no sign of him whatsoever. maybe he was still avoiding you.

you somehow managed to drag yourself over to the pool even after sobbing out every bit of energy within you. you just felt drained. numb. your nose was probably red, along with your eyes. you weren’t exactly the prettiest crier.

you heard some bubbles and kicks in the water that were not far away from you. someone was swimming. you didn’t realise that you weren’t alone. it then suddenly dawned upon you that keonho probably wasn’t the only person that swam in this pool after hours. how embarrassing would it be if a random found you disturbing their peace with your tears? extremely.

“y/n?” to think you thought ahn keonho was not the only one swimming in this pool on friday evenings. nope, you were wrong. only keonho would do this stuff expecting you to be there with him.

he immediately pushed himself out of the water, sitting beside you. you didn’t really want him to see just how incredibly wrecked you were but the second you lowered your head, his fingers were already grabbing your chin.

“look at me.” the single command was enough to make your knees go weak. even though you felt reluctant, you looked at him anyway. you hadn’t been this close to him in weeks.

not since he filled out his schedules with a new girlfriend every week. it’s like he was trying to keep you away from him. yet the way he came to your side with so much urgency made you think that he was waiting for a moment to be with you.

“it’s over.” you whimpered, feeling the tears rushing back again. his features softened in an instant, his grip loosening.

“oh, y/n.” even though he was soaked, he lifted you up onto his lap, burying your face into his chest. this was all that you needed. and somehow it made the tears fall even quicker. you didn’t even know if you were crying over seonghyeon anymore or if it was just your emotions.

you didn’t really care.

“it’s okay. it’ll be okay, i’m right here. i’m not going anywhere.” he shushed you gently, his arms slung around your body, one hand stroking your hair while the other held you close to him. you held onto him like a lifeline, your body shaking with each sob.

at first you weren’t particularly fond of how good he was at making you feel better but then you were convinced you wouldn’t be able to live without him. his reassuring words, his touch that made you feel like you were being shielded from the world.

“i won’t let anyone hurt you. not seonghyeon or anyone else. not again.” the certainty of his words, the protectiveness. no one ever said those things to you. no one ever made you feel like they could be your safe space. your sanctuary. but he did and that made every second you spent with him worth it all.

“i don’t deserve you.”

“no, you deserve it all, y/n. don’t ever doubt that.” you found yourself being unable to defy him. his clarity. you thought he knew what you deserved better than you did. he probably did. and it was probably better to keep it that way.

you didn’t say any more. just waited for the cries to subside. for the pain to fade slowly. and you just let him hold you.

because ahn keonho knew how to make you forget the pain.

KEONHO KNEW HOW TO PUT UP A STRONG FRONT. how to mask his feelings without anyone truly knowing how he felt. maybe that’s why he was able to be a frat boy. frat boys didn’t need to show their feelings. he didn’t like to be read like an open book because that meant he was exposed. he hated being exposed. it was weird. it freaked him out. so when you came to the pool, bawling your eyes out because of his dick friend, he had to do just that.

keonho watched seonghyeon hurt girls for a while. he stopped telling him to fix his ways because he wasn’t ever going to listen. he knew it was wrong. he knew it was fucked up. but when he watched the effects of his actions on you, it made his blood boil. it flicked a switch within him.

he made girls feel this way. it wasn’t just you. it was all the girls that thought seonghyeon was capable of love. the girls with hopes higher than the clouds and a fragile heart. the girls he made lose their smile and their hope for love. he did that all and he’d do it again a million times. it was just different seeing it for himself.

and all of a sudden he felt this primal urge to give seonghyeon a piece of his mind.

“what you did to y/n wasn’t cool, you know?” keonho said, low and deliberate. seonghyeon didn’t once look up from his phone, a small smirk on his lips.

“she came crying to you about it?” he asked in a way that sounded mocking, chuckling.

“does it matter?” keonho narrowed his eyes at seonghyeon’s laughter, an edge to his tone.

“still pathetic as ever.” he shook his head, scoffing under his breath.

“don’t talk about her like that.” keonho’s voice raised slightly, his fists starting to clench.

“since when did you care about her?” seonghyeon looked up when he heard the anger in keonho’s voice he was trying to conceal, raising his eyebrows.

“that doesn’t matter.”

“well, she wasn’t that interesting anyway. she was so clingy and just followed me around like a lost puppy.” he shrugged, focusing his eyes back down on his phone but keonho grabbed it swiftly, causing him to narrow his eyes slightly as well.

“she cares about you.” keonho’s tone softened at the mention of you, his fists unclenching at the slightest.

“like an idiot. she was nothing to me. i just kept her there cause she’d always come back.” his face scrunched up slightly, his lack of empathy very evident. keonho hated the way seonghyeon spoke about you. like you were something to discard, something he’d kept close for safety.

“you’re an ass, dude.” keonho’s thick eyebrows knitted together tightly, that edge quickly finding its way back to his voice—sharper. he didn’t want to show just how pissed off he was but seonghyeon made that harder than it needed to be.

“i know what i am. and she must know how weak and gullible she is too.” he smirked once more, his voice laced with sarcasm. keonho’s hands balled into tight fists again, digging them into the bench to hold himself back.

“don’t talk about her that way, seonghyeon.” he warned, cold and protective, his eyes piercing into seonghyeon’s.

“or what? gonna fight me over it? over a loser you wouldn’t have pitied if you weren’t sober that night?” he jeered, a jab that left keonho silent for a few seconds. it was true, if keonho was absolutely wasted that night the outcome would’ve been completely different.

but he was glad he saw you. more than that. it was just a what if. keonho saw you and he felt something he didn’t before. some stupid hypothetical wasn’t going to make him feel ashamed.

“she’s more than that to me.” he retorted, his voice slightly losing its edge, the intensity of his feelings still dark in his eyes. it was getting harder and harder to not wipe that smirk off his face with a dirty blow.

“right because she was just your company. just someone to flirt with. so much more, hm?” he sneered smugly, letting out a yelp when keonho yanked on his collar tight enough to rip his shirt.

“i said don’t talk about her like that.” he warned once more through gritted teeth, his face a breath away from seonghyeon’s, his voice rough and icy.

“oo, feisty.” he snickered, taking everything keonho gave him like keonho was the villain.

then.

“keonho! what are you doing?” your eyes widened in disbelief at the sight of his fist swinging forward right toward seonghyeon’s face.

they both turned to you, keonho’s face instantly softening to something guilty while seonghyeon’s smirk only grew wider. the two guys that had a place in your heart, right in front of you, about to tear each other’s faces apart.

it was something about the way keonho looked at you, how he suddenly stumbled back when seonghyeon pushed harshly like he wasn’t in control anymore. his jaw wasn’t taut, his fists weren’t balled up tight enough to show his veins. his eyes lost that darkness.

he was sort of bare. vulnerable maybe.

you hadn’t ever seen keonho that angry. you knew he hated how much seonghyeon treated you like shit but you didn’t think he’d go to war for you. or even beat him up for it. it pulled on some of your heartstrings.

seonghyeon just stared at you like how he did that day. you didn’t even want to look at him, you couldn’t bear to. no matter what feelings you still had inside, you just couldn’t. not when he’d let keonho bust up his face to be the victim of something he started. to be someone you would pity. that’s what he wanted.

you understood it now. and it made you sick to your stomach.

but at that moment, you were mad at him. mad at keonho for getting into a fight that didn’t need to happen. he could’ve gotten kicked off the swim and basketball team. suspended. for you. you didn’t want to be that for him. someone he’d get into trouble for. especially if you weren’t really anything but friends.

what if he got hurt badly? what if they both hurt badly? you didn’t want to be the cause of that. not over your stupidity or the empathy you wished you didn’t carry.

“y/n, it’s no-” keonho shook his head, pleading softly but was cut off by the lack of expression on your face. you grabbed his wrist, dragging him away until you were far enough to not see seonghyeon again.

you let go, your arms crossed over your chest.

“why?” you interrogated, your jaw clenched.

“he said shitty things about you.” he murmured.

“he says shitty things all the time.”

“i couldn’t just sit by and let him say them.” he raised his voice, defensive. you went silent, avoiding his gaze.

“why? why couldn’t you just leave it?” you finally asked, more desperate. accusatory. you were upset with him. upset with how he chose to lose his temper and sense of control for you.

“what’s up with you, y/n? he’s full of shit.” he fumed in frustration, his eyebrows furrowing tightly.

“and i know that. you were going to bear the consequences of my actions.”

“i’d do it a million times for you.” his face softened to something blank. with the softest hint of something you hoped for yourself. love. you could deny it, lie through your teeth but it was there. you just didn’t know why.

the way he said it. like you meant everything to him. that was what you needed all this time. you only came to that realisation when you felt his words disarm you. you never let anything disarm you.

“keonho, don’t say that-”

“i mean it. he doesn’t deserve you. this world doesn’t.” he shook his head, firm. yet it still sounded so gentle.

“i-”

“no, let me finish. let me be honest with you.”

“why?” you asked again, faint this time.

“because i have feelings for you, y/n. for the first time i can actually look at a girl and say my heart beats for her. i’m glad it’s you. i just, i didn’t want those girls, i only wanted you,” he whispered, taking a step closer to you. then he paused.

“i only dated them because i couldn’t watch you go off with him. it was supposed to be me. i wanted you to need me. i needed that. and i’ve been needing you for weeks. more than i think i should. and i just can’t let you go through that. not when i’m right here willing to show you how to be loved.” he stopped until he was right in front of you, his hands sliding up your face slowly. you grew to love his touch. the warmth of it, how he held you like something precious he didn’t want to break.

he confessed. the worries, the hypotheticals in your head, the confusion. it was all soothed. you questioned his feelings for you many times, the times he held you in that pool like nothing else mattered. how he was just always there. it was undeniable. he did feel for you.

and it scared you.

“i-keonho.” you stammered, giving into his touch.

“i don’t want you to say anything, y/n. don’t. it’d make it hurt less. i just wanted you to realise that i’m here. i have been and i always will be even if there’s no one else to run to.” he caressed your cheeks, his forehead slowly pressing against your own. you closed your eyes, not saying anymore.

then your lips found his own, soft and warm, a hand grabbing your waist gently as your fingers tangled up in his hair.

you had kissed seonghyeon like this multiple times but this was different. you felt whole. you felt like staying in this moment forever. you didn’t want to let go. not with keonho. not with him. he made you feel brand new. free.

and in that moment you truly realised just how much you wanted him. and just how much you feared for your life at the thought of even doing this a second time.

you pulled away, your hands stopping on his chest. you didn’t look at him because if you did the tears wouldn’t have stopped.

“i can’t.” your voice trembled slightly, your head shaking. you could. you were just scared to lose him.

“what?” he asked softly, lifting your chin up gently.

“i can’t do this.” you didn’t look in his eyes, you couldn’t. not when you could feel the burning of hot tears at the corners of your eyes.

“why?” he asked once more, louder. sharp. frustrated. he was hurt. this was him being vulnerable. he was never vulnerable. that made it hurt more.

“i just… can’t.” you said weakly, a poor excuse. you weren’t convinced by your own words, looking down in shame.

“you can, y/n. we both know it. you can be free with me. you can let me love you.” he held both of your cheeks in his hands, forcing you to look at him again. his eyes were glossy and he sounded so hopeful. god, why did he have to be so good to you?

“i can’t, keonho. not with my feelings.” you whimpered, your lip quivering as you tried to fight off the tears. but they fell anyway.

“just want me too. you kissed me. you wanted this. just stay.” he wiped your tears away, blinking back his own with a sniffle, pleading. this was him raw. exposed. no filter, no hiding. this was keonho, truly.

this was him when he needed someone. when he didn’t want to put up a strong front because that meant putting his feelings aside and he couldn’t do that. not when he wanted you.

“i can’t do that to you, keonho.” you shook your head again, your thumb brushing under his bottom lid where the tears threatened to fall. leaving him would hurt him more than you staying and making mistakes with him and you both knew that well. that’s what made it worse.

“don’t leave me, please.” he begged, his voice cracking. the hurt. the tears. the way his heart was slowly breaking for you.

his nose and eyes were cherry red, his hands wobbling as they clung to you tight. you pulled them away, taking them in yours. he instantly laced his fingers with yours, loose like he was giving you space to decide. but you both knew what the choice would be.

“i’m sorry.” you let go slowly, wiping a tear with the sleeve of your shirt before turning around slowly. he didn’t stop you. didn’t say anything more. he said enough, he knew that. and he knew that the choice was yours. that at the end of the day, he couldn’t force you to come back. it was something you had to do on your own.

but you wanted him to pull you back in his arms. kiss you until you said yes. tell him all the thoughts you had about him. how you missed him even when he was right in front of you. you felt selfish. you needed him to need you too. the difference was you weren’t going to show it as much as he did. because something you’ve learnt to do is to not give yourself to people fully.

that protected you.

but, keonho would protect if he had to with no hesitation.

and that’s probably what made walking away from him the hardest thing you’d ever done.

YOU HADN’T TALKED TO KEONHO SINCE THAT KISS. since the day you decided you’d walk away. and you couldn’t remember the last time you’d actually spent time with ian. she was your best friend. but she was another person you selfishly pushed away. and she knew you weren’t okay.

“y/n, talk to me. you haven’t done that in weeks.” she asked, a gentle but firm pry. you didn’t want to tell ian you had an extremely toxic situationship that you had finally put to an end and had fallen for said situationship’s friend. not to mention making out with him right before breaking his heart.

“i’m fine.” you mumbled, staring at your sandwich. so you chose to lie and say that you were okay because that was somehow easier than acknowledging the dilemma you had.

“we both know you aren’t.” she said—final, like she knew you better than yourself. which was true.

“i am.” you repeated, almost like saying it a second time would convince her a bit more but if anything it gave her another reason to believe otherwise. you wouldn’t believe yourself either.

“would you believe me if i said i saw you and keonho making out the other day?” she asked randomly, your eyes widening with shock. your best friend whom you had been avoiding for weeks caught you making out with keonho. you didn’t like how the embarrassment churned in your stomach.

“you saw that?” you stammered, your heart pounding in your throat.

“well, i ran away as soon as you stopped. wouldn’t want to get caught gathering intel.” she smiled, patting your shoulder. you let out a soft sigh of relief. at least she didn’t see you sobbing like a loser. you hoped she didn’t.

“intel?” you raised an eyebrow.

“of course, i’ve been watching you and that bum like a hawk. keonho is much better. i hope you know that.” she narrowed her eyes expectantly.

“um.”

“what is that um for?”

“i…”

“please do not say you went back to that bum.” her her eyes widened with fear.

“no, of course not. i’ve been avoiding him for weeks. as well as keonho.” you shook your head frantically, your eyes widening as well.

“what! i shouldn’t have let you push me away so easily. look at how stupid you are without me.” she gasped, groaning in exasperation. well, harsh. but true.

“i’m sorry, i’m just scared.” you babbled, sipping your soda. well yes, you were indeed shaking with fear but did it really compare to how much you felt for keonho?

“of what? your feelings? stop that, y/n! you can’t keep letting fear cloud your judgment. you’ll keep doing things you’ll regret.” ian let out a deep sigh, rolling her eyes.

“i already have.”

“god, keonho probably misses you like hell.”

“he doesn’t call me but people keep telling me he’s been asking about me.” you murmured. that was true. two of his friends came to you asking questions only keonho would be interested in knowing the answers to.

“maybe because he’s like in love with you.”

“he didn’t say that himself.” you said quickly. of course, using that as an excuse gave you more reason to believe that what you did wasn’t as evil as it actually was.

“oh, but i can see it.” she pointed two fingers to her eyes then to you.

“i’m sorry for pushing you away, ian.” you apologised softly, looking at her through your lashes.

“it was because of that bum, i forgive you. but you’ll only earn my heart again if you get with keonho.” she shrugged, tilting her head at you. of course. her kindness was too good to be true. not that getting with keonho was something you weren’t fond of. if anything, it was all you’d been dreaming of.

“can’t do that.” you shook your head.

“huh? are you dense or something? of course you can. just tell him you love him and he’ll be all yours.” she frowned, looking around in confusion.

“but i hurt him. i’m broken.”

“he’ll put you back together then. he’s already been doing that. you don’t look like your heart is breaking when you’re with him.” she said warmly, taking your hands in hers.

“how do i look then?”

“like a girl who’s fucking in love! get your man! and do not go back to that bum.” she giggled, her voice low and very serious at the last part.

“i’ll think about it.”

“you know what? i should’ve just sat alone in the bathrooms. cannot deal with your bullshit.” she let go of your hands with a scoff, getting up from her seat.

“sorry not sorry.” you stuck your tongue out at her.

“you will be if keonho isn’t yours. there’s a party tomorrow and he’ll probably be there. you are coming, no negotiation.” she told you firmly, leaving zero room for discussion. and you knew that very well. even if you didn’t want to go, ian would be at your door exactly an hour before it started to forcefully give you a great night. well, her idea of a great night.

“fine.” you muttered softly.

“that’s more like it. ciao!” she winked at you, waving as she walked off.

a party. with ahn keonho there. there was absolutely no way you’d escape him. either you’d find him or he’d find you. it was inevitable. and you’re not meant to spend your night worrying about seeing someone at a party.

especially if you had been yearning to see them.

because truth be told, you had missed keonho more than would’ve liked to admit. all you could think about was that kiss, all the times you’ve spent with him. each and every single word he said to you.

it forced you to think about your feelings too, the one thing you hated doing. because thinking about your feelings meant acknowledging them and that meant telling yourself that you were in love with keonho. you had never been in love before. no one had ever come close.

it scared you. just the thought of loving him scared you. you didn’t want to let him down and you didn’t want to disappoint him. you didn’t want him to regret committing himself to you nor did you ever want to be anything less than the girl he wanted.

you were used to not being enough. to not be truly wanted. so when a guy comes into your life and looks at you like you’re the reason the world still spins it’s hard not to feel like you’ll ever be enough.

maybe it'd be worth it. maybe you two would make amends.

maybe you’d truly fall in love.

YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE BEEN AWAKE THIS LATE. nor should you have been this wasted yet here you were, drunk out of your mind regretting everything because drowning yourself in some alcohol made thinking about keonho easier. newsflash! you were far from the truth.

you felt horrible, really horrible. like a monster. every time you found out keonho was asking around about you, every time he looked at you like a starving man. every time you remembered that he wanted you. and every time you remembered that you were the one who walked away when all you wanted was to stay.

and sometimes the pain goes away. sometimes it passes over time and you feel a little bit better about the reality of the situation but knowing that he wanted you didn’t bring you comfort. it only made you feel like more of a burden. he was probably staring up at his ceiling, thinking about you. wondering if he should’ve sent a text or called you to hear your voice just once.

you were projecting.

maybe he despised you for your decision. maybe he let you go that day because he realised he was better off being with a girl who was whole and committed. not someone weak like you.

but keonho was too understanding. too good to you. too good for you. he wouldn’t resent you even if he tried. and the thing is that he wouldn’t even try. wouldn’t think of the idea of hating you.

that made it worse.

so, you drank it all away. the worry, the pain, the hurt, the guilt. it made it all better.

“hello?” a familiar voice came from the other line, sounding slightly rough with sleep.

“is that you, keonho?” you asked softly.

“yeah?”

“miss you.” you mumbled, your words slurred.

“are you drunk?” he questioned with subtle concern. you didn’t really like how he didn’t say it back. maybe he truly was mad at you.

“just tipsy.” you breathed out. you most definitely weren’t just tipsy.

“where are you?”

“home.”

“okay.” he said, trying to hide his relief.

“i’m sorry.” you suddenly apologised, you sat up, holding the phone closer to your ear.

“why?”

“i hurt you. and i miss you and you’re just too good to me.” you sighed, your guilt and hurt shining through.

“i miss you too.” he whispered back like a secret between you two, his tone yearning.

“are you mad at me for it?” you asked after a beat of silence, silently wishing he wasn’t.

“no.” he replied immediately. at least he didn’t hate you.

“why?”

“because you’re calling me.” he responded sleepily, his voice deeper. he was talking to you even though he was on the brink of knocking out.

“drunk calling.” you corrected.

“still calling me.” you could hear the smile in his voice. he was happy. that made your heart flutter.

“i’d be mad at me.” you hummed.

“i’m not, isn’t that what matters?” the way he said it made your heart skip a beat. why did he have to be so unintentionally cheesy? well, was it really unintentional?

“yeah.” you agreed.

“why are you drinking?” he questioned once more.

that was an easy question to answer. you simply felt like a monster. like a complete burden. all you had really ever been in keonho’s life was a wreck. and you wrecked him too. yet somehow he managed to fall for you.

“‘cause i feel like shit.” you answered honestly.

“because of me?”

“‘cause of me.”

“i don’t know if you’ll remember in the morning.” he says with hesitation. you wanted to remember. whatever he wanted to tell you, you wanted to remember it like the back of your hand.

“i’ll try for you.”

“i love you, y/n. more than you could imagine.” you felt your chest bloom with warmth, your cheeks burning even more. except it wasn’t just the alcohol, it was because of ahn keonho who loved you.

“aww. you’re sweet.” you giggled.

“all you’re gonna say?” he couldn’t help but chuckle as well.

“no. i just feel a bit lost. i don’t want you to be hurt ‘cause of that. let me sort out my feelings.” you murmured, a bit serious. you meant it. but you knew your feelings. you just didn’t want to say them while you were drunk.

you were conscious enough to know that that was something you didn’t want to do.

“will you be there at the party tomorrow night?” he changed the subject, the question one you didn’t really want to answer. you wanted to but you didn’t at the same time.

“maybe.”

“come. please.” he pleaded faintly with a hint of desperation. what would happen if you went?

“will consider.”

“okay.”

“sleepy.” you babbled.

“go to bed, baby.” he insisted, the pet name sounding so right off his lips. could he call you that every day? could you be his baby?

“i wanna talk to you.” you whined.

“mm-mm.” he hummed in disagreement.

“fine, good night, keonho.” you gave in reluctantly, only cause it was him.

“dream of me.” he whispered, flirty in a way that made you feel so mushy on the inside.

you probably weren’t going to remember the conversation and you’d truly regret getting drunk in the morning but keonho would remember. and you wouldn’t forget the way your heart beat for him.

“THE PARTY HAS ARRIVED!” ian yelled, practically muted from how loud the music was blasting. you face-palmed, clutching your bag tighter as you made an attempt to escape your friend. but, to your demise, she caught up to you.

“hello, party pooper, don’t leave me!” ian called out to you, stumbling to you due to her newly bought heels she couldn’t quite walk in yet, placing a hand on your shoulder.

“where is your boyfriend?” you inquired, stopping your tracks. ian’s eyes lit up instantly, her index tapping her chin.

“oh, good question. i actually do not know.”

“is he not hosting this thing?” you tilted your head, eyebrows raising.

“yeah but like him and martin always do these insane prank thingys and like you can never find them.” she flicked her hair back, looking around where she hoped she could find him.

“right, please go find someone to dance with.” you nodded, backing away a bit.

“oo, because you’re trying your man. i won’t interrupt then.” ian giggled like a little kid, running off to a group of girls, flinging her hands up and cheering with them. you couldn’t help but smile, one of the only times in a while you actually did that, finding an empty couch with no wasted people or couples.

you watched the party unfold before you, red and purple lights that made it look like a club, a cluster of the classic red plastic cups and huge bottles of alcohol scattered across the counter which some clearly drunk people were standing on. an ungodly mix of colognes, perfumes, sweat and alcohol wafting through the air. just like the night you met keonho. except back then, the old you was a lost cause.

some people were sitting on the stairs, talking to people that appeared to be their significant others, girls sobbing into their phones in corners, a bunch of dudes that looked like the swim team cannonballing into the pool. and the couples either making out or dancing. some people even danced with complete strangers due to how intoxicated they were.

the music was loud, so loud you’d think the neighbours would file a noise complaint but the chaos in your head seemed to be much louder.

your eyes found seonghyeon, arms wrapped around a girl as he swayed with her, a smile on his face. it didn’t really look like that usual sarcastic smirk he gave you. it was different. softer maybe. it made your heart constrict in a way you didn’t like. jealousy maybe? you didn’t want to feel jealous. not when you had your growing feelings for keonho.

you immediately got up and found a full cup on the counter. you didn’t bother trying to identify what exactly was in it. all you knew is that it was probably some booze. you were definitely going to have some regrets the next morning. you didn’t care though.

you downed two cups, the burning at the back of your throat eliciting a cough from you. then you went back to the couch, staring into space because that was better than finding seonghyeon and that girl again. better than trying to find keonho.

your thoughts were in a spiral, keonho was consuming them. you just wanted to find him. as much as you didn’t, you did. you’d sink into his arms and never let go, confess everything you had been keeping inside, close to your heart.

you got up again, going upstairs. maybe he’d be up there alone, thinking. keonho had a habit of doing that. just disappearing to think. you hoped he was up there because you started to feel the effects of the alcohol in your wobbling.

you found a door, a small opening from the door not being shut fully. you saw a silver of light peaking out that brought to the conclusion that someone was inside. you slowly opened it, trying not to make a loud creak. there he was. sitting on whoever’s bed it was, his eyes instantly finding yours.

you froze, not saying anything or doing anything. just watching him. he looked good, so good. you wanted to tell him that. but you didn’t. you simply watched him get up and walk to you until he was barely a breath away. then he wrapped his fingers around your wrist, pulling you with him until you were both sitting on the bed.

your shoulder was brushing his, your knees bumping. none of you spoke, just sat side by side in silence, allowing it to do the talking. then his fingers slowly let go of your wrist, sliding down to lacing his fingers with yours. you didn’t hesitate to do the same, squeezing his hand gently in the process.

“do you remember?” he questioned suddenly, staring at you. you couldn’t help but stare back, right into his eyes, looking up through your lashes.

“last night?” your eyebrows furrowed in thought.

“mm.” he hummed.

“not really.” you shook your head.

“do you remember what i said?”

“no.” you saw a flicker of something in his eyes. disappointment maybe. it was all just a blur. you couldn’t remember no matter how hard you tried.

“i told you i love you. more than you know.” he murmured softly, his thumb drawing circles on the back of your hand. he loved you. he truly did love you. that was all you needed.

“i have a feeling there’s more you want to say.”

“mm. i do. you bring this side out of me that i didn’t know was there. i’ve never felt anything like this for anyone before and it scares me. but i love it so much and i just need you. here. i don’t want you to ever leave me,” his other hand twitched at his side as if he wanted to hold you close but was fighting that urge.

“i love you, y/n. since i saw you at that party with that lip gloss. every single day since then, you’ve been on my mind and in my dreams. i just want you to feel the same.” you smiled—barely—fiddling with his necklace with your free hand. his words, so real, raw. that vulnerability only you knew of. it was just love. love you couldn’t deny. love that mirrored your own.

“i do love you. i just pushed you away cause i was scared of not being enough for you. of not being able to be enough for you. but i love you, keonho. you’re the first boy i’ve ever loved and i wouldn’t mind you being my last.” you watched the way his face softened, how his eyes sort of lit up. his arm snaked around your waist, pulling you close, the other letting go of your hand to hold your cheek. then he kissed you.

it wasn’t anything desperate or eager. just gentle, warm. the kind that made the fireworks go off and your heart pound in your chest. that kind that expressed your love without needing words. “you don’t know how much i’ve wanted you to say that.” he whispered, out of breath and in love. you kissed him again, more passionate than the first, the both of you smiling against each other’s lips until you felt like you were suffocating.

“am i your boyfriend now?” he breathed out.

“yeah.” you smiled harder.

“my girl.” he held you to his chest, running his hands through your hair.

you didn’t know how exactly you could describe the feeling of being in love. it was a lot of things. feelings, words, emotions. like a roller coaster. but, it made you whole. it saved you. keonho saved you. he looked at you for one second and realised that he needed you. he loved you without hesitation or doubts. just love.

and it found you before you were a gone girl.

ahn keonho found you before you were a gone girl.

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THE MUSIC WAS BLASTING THROUGH THE SPEAKERS, booming in a way that had you questioning whether you’d leave this party without a burst eardrum. the air carrying cologne and perfume and hints of alcohol from people willing to live in the moment and no care for the consequences the next morning.

and you were there, sitting on a couch god knows how many people made out on, swirling a red cup around that a random girl asked you to hold onto as you watched the night unfold.

you were never really a party girl.

you didn’t like the creeps that hit on you with a date waiting in the corner nor did you like the sight of couples making out in every place you looked. the way parties made the chaos in your head so much louder than it needed to be.

but you sat through it all. the excitement and the bodies that swayed against each other. the acts of intoxication people would either flex or regret. the one person that didn’t seem to focus on what was happening before them.

“need company?”

ahn keonho happened to be them.

he had that smirk he always did, the classic frat boy grin that seemed to be the cherry on top for the stereotypes they claimed they didn’t fit. he just happened to be tolerable.

he was leaning towards you against the arm he had pressed into the cushion, his eyes fixated upon you like you were some mystery that needed solving. you were, maybe. to yourself at least.

the air was all of a sudden thicker.

“no. but i know you’ll stay.”

“how can you be so sure?” he questioned, his grin sitting perfectly on his lips.

“you’re looking at me like you have no intention of leaving.” you murmured, your eyes finding his despite the darkness of the room.

the blue and purple lights outlined his face in all the right places, his stupidly attractive face something you found oddly guilty for being entranced by.

“is that a problem?” he asked once again, rather smug. it was almost like a challenge. a test to see how far he could get with you. a press on one of your buttons.

“what makes you think that?”

“you’re looking at me like it could be.”

“and if it’s not?” you raised an eyebrow.

“then we’ll be the sober ones tonight.” he plopped down next to you, his arm shamelessly draping on the couch behind your head. his hand ghosted over your shoulder, not really there yet but close enough for the both of you to know what this was.

your nose was attacked by the distinct scent of his cologne.

then after a beat of silence.

“why are you alone?” he asked curiously.

“not the party girl.” you replied dryly.

“why are you here?” he turned to look at you.

“friend dragged me along.” you didn’t turn, not yet.

“where is she?”

“probably eating a dude’s face off.”

he paused at the disgust in your tone, amusement crossing his features.

“you not into that?” he raised an eyebrow.

“don’t know what i’m into anymore.” you finally looked at him, resignation in your voice.

“you look like a girl that’s sure of what she wants for herself.” keonho said, tilting his head at you.

“do i?” you asked, more to yourself than to him.

“to me you do.” he looked away.

for some reason, it had this undertone you didn’t really understand.

maybe it was meant to stay that way, unfinished.

“i don’t think i’ve found it yet.”

“we all do eventually.”

“you’re sure of yourself.” you said with a teasing lilt.

“mm-mm, just sure of fate.” he shakes his head, certainty laced in his tone.

“you believe in that?” you raised your eyebrows, seemingly shocked.

ahn keonho believing in fate. the playboy of the century.

you just happened to learn a new thing or two everyday.

“you know you do.” he looked at you like he knew you. and somehow that was worse than your being there at that party.

“just need someone to give me that hope.”

silence fell between you two. what continued to fill the air was the indistinct chatter of fights and laughter. muffled bass from the songs you couldn’t remember the name of playing.

and that undeniable tension between you two that grew quicker than you had intended for.

no one spoke after that.

you could just feel his stare. unwavering.

and you could both feel the beginning of something you weren’t quite sure you were ready for.

KEONHO THOUGHT HE WAS GOING CRAZY. since that party, since whatever was in the air that night, he just saw you everywhere. it was like all of a sudden you were this familiar part of his life and he barely knew you.

but you were always alone.

he saw you on the benches sometimes, drawing in a notebook. alone. he’d find you at the pool before swim practice. alone. he’d find you in the library reading those old books people didn’t touch. the ones that had a cloud of dust if they were hit hard enough.

then he saw seonghyeon with you soon enough. his friend.

it struck him for some reason. every time he saw you two walking together in all the places where you were alone, it made his chest tighten with this feeling he didn’t want to identify.

jealousy.

seonghyeon wasn’t a good guy. he had a bunch of girls lined up, waiting for him, and he played them all. he broke their hearts then moved onto the next.

he never committed to anything serious. feelings were like a game to him. a dirty game. girls knew. they knew he was trouble. everyone did.

yet one smirk had them caught up in his web. and soon enough, someone was asking him what they were while another girl was waiting for their chance.

you didn’t seem to be like those girls to keonho. you were different.

that night at the party. he wasn’t sure what it was about you. maybe it was the fact that you made ahn keonho think about you at night.

he usually didn’t bother himself with girls. when he did, it was just to give them the “five seconds of fame” they wanted. cause being with ahn keonho was like winning the lottery for some odd reason.

though he wouldn’t really date himself.

but he could only think about the cherry red lip gloss you wore. the way it shimmered. the way your hair framed your face in a way that made you look like something to chase after. your solitude.

he just wasn't used to girls being aloof. maybe that’s what was memorable about you.

keonho thought maybe you weren’t someone that would find themselves trapped in seonghyeon’s orbit. he didn’t want you to be.

he didn’t think you were his. he just felt it in the way you looked at him like you knew all the answers to questions he didn’t realise were there.

but you were there, a soft smile on your lips as you looked up at seonghyeon, that charming smirk plastered across his face.

you were going to get hurt. be like every girl he’s ever played. just another one of seonghyeon’s girls he wouldn’t chase after when it was all over. no matter how many times he said you meant something to him.

he would always replace you and the cycle would repeat itself until seonghyeon felt his heart beat for someone.

keonho wondered if that day would ever come.

“thought you’d be here with seonghyeon.”

“hm?” you hummed like you didn’t hear him.

“why are you alone?” he asked, his knee brushing yours as he sat down.

“he’s busy.” of course he was. he was feeding another girl some words he was going to tell you later.

“with what?” he raised an eyebrow. it was a test.

“he’s your friend.” you finally looked at him, your face softer than at that party.

“why do you hang out?” he blurted out.

curiosity killed the cat, they say.

“well, you’re curt.” you muttered, looking at him from your peripheral.

“i asked a question.” he said, rather firm.

“why’s that any of your business, keonho?” you turned to him fully, defensiveness in your tone.

here we go. what excuse were you going to use?

“because i can see it in your eyes.”

“see what?” you were playing dumb.

“that void you’re trying to fill. you think seonghyeon is the answer.” he murmured, more of an accusation than a statement.

you opened your mouth to deny it but nothing fell out. just that stare. he could see it. the way it narrowed like you were fuming then went back to normal like you had accepted it.

part of you knew he was right. but everyone has pride. and you weren’t going to admit it.

even with that soft smile when he saw you two together, it never really reached your eyes. it seemed like something you had to use to prove seonghyeon could change.

despite himself, keonho seemed to care about you in a way words couldn’t define. it wasn’t something you’d be able to tell immediately. it was just there.

he could see it in your eyes and in all the times seonghyeon had his arm around your waist that you weren’t happy. you were trying to be.

but you just weren’t.

and you looked like you were trying to figure keonho out. you couldn’t. he was odd in that way.

“there’s no void.” you finally muttered. you sounded like you were trying to convince yourself more than the boy in front of you.

“eh.”

“seriously.” you nodded. even you couldn’t believe your words.

“taking it with a grain of salt.” it sounded like mockery. it probably was.

“don’t talk like you know me.” defense mode back on.

“don’t act like seonghyeon will change for you. trust me. he won’t.” he looked at you once more, your eyes darker. your walls were coming up.

“you don’t know that.” come on, y/n. you’re better than this.

“i know him well enough, y/n,” his voice raised. he could see the subtle shock in your eyes. even he was surprised by himself. “don’t be stupid like everybody else.” he mumbled, looking at his feet.

“why? because i’m different?” you had figured him out, a little.

“to me you are.” there it was. those stupid words that made your heart constrict. the way he spoke like you meant something to him and you had basically just met.

“don’t you have a girl to kiss before swim practice?” you tilted your head at him. he couldn’t know what those words meant to you.

“probably.” now he was being cool.

“is it me?” and you were being curt. he almost choked on nothing.

you?

he thought back to that lip gloss you had on at that party. how many times had seonghyeon kissed it off? maybe you wore a different one just for him.

“hm.” he didn’t know what the right answer was.

“you’re considering it?” you caught him. he was considering it. how would your lips taste?

he’d just ask seonghyeon.

“eh.” now he was trying to be cool.

“you’re weird.” you let out a huff, one that sounded like a laugh, shaking your head.

“you’re weirder.” he tilted his head at you.

“fair.” you pressed your lips in a tight line.

after a beat of silence.

“i know seonghyeon won’t change. i just have hope, that’s all.” he could hear it. that hope. you wanted him to feel something. the odds wouldn’t work in your favour unfortunately.

“don’t get them up then. you’ll hurt yourself.” he knew you weren’t going to look at him when he said that.

so, somehow, his fingers were turning your face to him. one breath and he’d know what seonghyeon got to experience every day.

not now.

“i think i already have.” your eyes were wide. your cheeks dusted light pink. you were flustered. a new look on you.

could keonho be seonghyeon for a day?

“hm. gotta go.” he let go quickly, slinging his duffel bag over his shoulder as he sprang up.

he had to go before he felt himself blushing.

“i was right.”

“yeah, about swim practice.”

“no girls?” you asked.

“no girls.” he shook his head.

“liar.” your eyes narrowed playfully.

“kiss you later, y/n.” he winked at you, running off.

“weirdest!” you called out, a smile gracing your lips.

he was grinning too, you just weren’t supposed to see it. but he knew that you knew he was smiling.

seonghyeon was there after all.

but something about you made him think that maybe there was a lot more to the story. seonghyeon was just a mere fraction of it.

YOU DIDN’T KNOW WHY YOU WERE STILL WAITING AROUND FOR HIM. why seonghyeon was still apart of your life. wait! that was another lie. you did know. you had a void. keonho knew it too. you didn’t like his perceptiveness.

seonghyeon said no strings attached. no labels. he was speaking more for himself than he was for you. he knew you’d come back to him each time, desperately. that’s how he liked it. because your constant presence was a guarantee. he didn’t have to question whether you come back or not after an argument but the answer was already there.

he had the easy job. telling you wanted to hear, stringing you along then breaking your heart into pieces. he didn’t care about what mess he’d turn your life into.

it was his satisfaction.

yet somehow you fell victim to his sweet little words and the kisses he was probably giving someone else after school hours. just like you. you were quite used to it. the line “no strings attached.” very used to it actually. way too used to it.

you didn’t know how many seonghyeons have come in and out of your life, destroying every bit of effort you put into reversing the damage of the last. or what you said would be the last. your broken heart was just waiting to take another hit from the next person.

for as long as you remembered, you never had anything serious with boys. the universe hated you in that way. how many times you’ve said, “what are we?” you didn’t know. how many times you tried to get yourself together? you didn’t know.

how many times that you’d felt like a pathetic little idiot? a lot. you didn’t have the numbers.

each time you promised yourself that you wouldn’t let another guy hurt you again, it was another crack in your heart. another blow to the very few remnants of your dignity.

you lost the light in you. a long time ago. you were fucked up. beyond it probably.

you just wished that seonghyeon would give you a definite answer. that maybe it wasn’t really over. maybe he’d kiss you and tell you that he loved you. or maybe it would just be another point to ahn keonho.

one knock on his door. he didn’t answer.

another. maybe he was out.

third, harsh. the door was moving with you.

it was already open. someone was inside.

maybe he just didn’t hear you come inside.

the dorm was a mess. as always.

you didn’t like the silence. as you stepped closer and closer, you could hear it. loud and clear. the laughter, her giggles.

his voice. he was whispering something to her. it felt like déjà vu. you didn’t want it to be real. you really wanted it to be all in your head this time.

the door was open slightly, like they were asking to be caught. you saw it. he was smiling at her. she was on his lap. it wasn’t you. then they kissed. just like he did with you.

you couldn’t bear it.

the tears were falling faster than you could blink. and suddenly your feet were taking control. your breaths were uneven, your cheeks wet with tears you didn’t think would end.

you ignored the pain in your legs, how pathetic you probably looked. you wanted to keep running. you didn’t want to stop until you left it all behind.

you wanted to erase seonghyeon from your memory, from your life.

you wanted to forget how good of a kisser he was, how his words made you run back each and every single time you told yourself that you wouldn’t.

you didn’t have to ask what you were. that was a stupid question. you knew exactly what you were. just another one of eom seonghyeon’s girls.

and just another stupid girl that chased after something that wasn’t ever there.

another point of ahn keonho.

you knew you’d go back to him. you did. seonghyeon worked like that. and you felt so stupid for crying. why waste your tears on him of all people? all it took was one text and you’d be back in his dorm, kissing him till he was all you could think about.

he wasn’t the one you had to change. it was you. you knew that a long time ago. it was easier to ignore it than let it be known.

you were alone. you needed to escape now. just forget about him for the time being.

and maybe break this cycle for once.

THE WATER SLOSHED GENTLY AS YOU MOVED YOUR LEGS, cold on your skin. you’d get used to it. it gets warm just after a little while, right after you forget how the pain felt again. you felt the dry stains of your tears on your cheeks. the pitiful girl you were an hour earlier.

you were just numb. and you also didn’t really know what to think about either. you were praying the swim team didn’t have any practice that day. you just needed to be alone without hearing their annoyingly deep voices they forced. without hearing anything but the water.

keonho crossed your mind for some reason.

you thought about the night at that party. why did he sit next to you? why did he even talk to you to begin with? did you just happen to look like player bait or something?

maybe you looked like the perfect girl to prey on. seonghyeon beat him to it.

but then again, he came to you on the benches. he talked to you. he asked about you. he knew seonghyeon wasn’t good for you. why would he care?

he didn’t come to kiss you. just that casual flirting that added to the tension between you two. you wondered if he even realised it was there. or maybe you just let every interaction with a guy become romantic.

despite yourself, you were curious about him. he intrigued you. frat boys didn’t intrigue you. if anything they irked you out so badly you’d do anything to rid them of their existence.

their stupid red cups and their stupid voices.

you didn’t even know how keonho became one. he didn’t look like the kind to rock a varsity jersey. but, he proved you wrong. the day of the basketball finals. they were all lined up, taking a photo with another one of the trophies they won for the school.

you found him oddly attractive. not that he was ugly. he was just not your type.

then the party. he looked at you like he would go on forever trying to understand everything about you. a boy had never looked at you that way. you were just used to being some eye candy or something. the temporary feeling of being “seen.”

then he looked at you like he knew you and you felt your heart pounding. crazy for a guy that wasn’t your type.

you didn’t know what ahn keonho was. nor did you know what he was to you. he was just ahn keonho. the guy on the basketball team. the guy that looked hot in a varsity jersey. the boy with the fraternity smile and the curiosity in his eyes.

that was all that he was to you. and maybe you’d only ever have small talks that went beyond the surface level once in a blue moon.

“oh, y/n! fancy seeing you here. waiting for me?” the man of the hour, the familiar grin gracing his lips in the way you’ve known best.

god, just kill me.

of course the one day you needed him to get away from all noise it just had to follow you. maybe you were psychic.

“was hoping you wouldn’t be here.” you answered dryly, watching the ripples in the water.

“i’m actually not supposed to be. well, not necessarily.” he sat next to you, his legs sliding into the water.

“what do you mean?” you looked at him.

“not a practice day.” he was already looking at you, leaning back on his arms.

“so?”

“just wanted to get some laps. and well, found something else to keep me busy.” he had a gentle smirk on his face. he was about to piss you off, you thought.

but you couldn’t deny the softness of it. you didn’t like the fact that you could even tell the difference. maybe he didn’t want to make your head explode for once.

“you saw me here?” you raised an eyebrow, your tone slightly shocked.

“well, possibly. but i came for the laps first. you just gave me more reason to stay.” you didn’t like those words. no, let’s rephrase. you didn’t like how much you liked those words.

“i’ll pretend i have significance in your life.” you didn’t want to. wait, why didn’t i want to? fuck! all you could do was pray he didn’t say otherwise.

“you don’t have to pretend.” of course he said that, he’s ahn keonho!

“how exactly?” did you really want to know? not exactly. did you already know? probably. for some reason you felt that hearing it come from his mouth and not your head would make everything worse.

“well, y/n. since you aren’t exactly einstein, i’ll put it for you simply: i actually care about you.” there it was. the way he looked at you. the subtle change in his glance that made you believe him partly. the way his lips softened to this hint of a smile.

did he realise what he was doing?

“you’ve known me for how long?” you questioned, an excuse for him to not be so… caring?

“hey, i know enough to have the tiniest soft spot for you.” he gestured with his fingers, squinting his eyes. part of you couldn’t wrap your head around him having a soft spot for you. another part also wouldn’t let you be convinced that his hypothetical soft spot for you was the tiniest.

“how flattering.” you didn’t even bother hiding your sarcasm.

“girls would ogle if i said that.” the way he said it made you think it wasn’t something he enjoyed. fair. well, who would enjoy being bombarded with heart eyes in every corner they look?

“should i?” you asked softly.

“i like that you don’t.” you hated the way his smile grew. he never stopped making you feel different in a way that was like no other. it made you feel special for once.

“sure.” back to being dry again.

“you were crying.” his eyes traced the tear stains on your cheeks, his hand twitching at his side as if he wanted to touch them.

“mm.” you hummed softly, your eyes fixed on the glittering water. fuck his curiosity. you didn’t want to do that, not then.

“seonghyeon?” who else was capable of crushing you the way he did?

“saw him kissing a girl in his dorm.” you mumbled. it left this bitter taste in your mouth. you hated it. you hated how much you hurt and how much you missed him. how you just took it all. whatever it was you had.

“fuck. are you okay?” he sat up in an instant, his body so much closer to you than you would’ve liked. except you didn’t seem to have much of a problem with it.

his hand hovered over your shoulder, twitching once more with that urge to touch you again. he gave in this time. you hadn’t felt that comforted by someone’s touch.

“i’ll cry if you ask that.” this was you being honest. and raw. you looked in his eyes with nothing but vulnerability. keonho couldn’t break that. he couldn’t break you.

not the way seonghyeon did.

“i’ll answer it myself.” his other hand boldly yet cautiously reached for your chin, turning your head to face him. the blue pool lights illuminated his face so perfectly, almost like at that party. just… better.

you didn’t want to look away. you didn’t want to pull away either. you liked this, whatever it was. the magnetic pull you felt, quite subtle but something that added to the tension between you two that became harder and harder to ignore.

“thanks.” you whispered softly, your eyes boring into his.

somehow without you realising it, your hand found his. your fingers lacing with his like it was something natural. so natural and so right.

“i’ll leave if you want to take laps.” you murmured, breathy and barely audible, so soft like any noise would ruin that moment.

you didn’t want to leave.

“mm-mm. stay.” and you were hoping he wanted you to stay. he moved closer, slightly. just enough to make your heart race.

“why?” did you really want to know why?

“gonna take laps with you.” not what you were expecting. and the way he said it made you think that it wasn’t exactly up for discussion.

“how?”

“well, not laps.”

“then what?” before you could finish asking, he jumped in the pool, splashing water all over you. you gasped the second the cold droplets hit your skin, your body freezing.

“keonho!” you called out, your shoulders tense.

“what?” he asked innocently, looking up at you with his wet hair and droplets dripping from his face.

“the water is freezing.”

“i can make it warmer.” he said with a smirk.

“please don’t piss in here.” you whined gently.

“not the method i was thinking of.” he moved closer to you, grabbing your hands.

“so?”

“come.” he said, no arguments, no pleading. just a simple “come.” you hated how much you wanted to listen. don’t go in.

“you’re joking.” you wished he was but the both of you knew he wasn’t.

“completely serious.”

“don’t like swimming.” you shook your head.

“i’ll make you love it.” he held your hands close to his wet face.

“don’t wanna mess my clothes up.” another excuse.

“they’ll dry.” then your hands were cupping his cheeks, his on top of them. his hands were surprisingly warm for someone who was in icy water.

“my hair.”

“wet hair would be gorgeous on you.” that got to you. the easiness of it. that undertone. you could feel the sincerity. he truly did believe that. you felt like letting him see just how gorgeous you’d be.

“you just don’t stop, hm?” you raised an eyebrow. no, he didn’t.

“not till i get what i want.” it had an edge of something. possessiveness maybe? certainty. was he sure of getting you right where he wanted you?

“what do you want?”

“to swim with you, so come.” he tugged your hands, bringing you closer to the edge. just one more tug and you’d be inside.

whoops!

he pulled you once more, your body sinking beneath the surface just for a few seconds, bubbles surrounding you.

you could already feel the goosebumps.

“keonho!” you wiped your face, scowling at him.

“hm?” he hummed like he didn’t hear you, grinning like a cheshire cat.

“it’s freezing.”

“told you i can make it warmer.” he murmured, moving closer to you until he was just one breath away.

“how?” it was a test. a mere challenge. what would he do when given the chance?

“like this.” his arms slid around your waist, holding your body against his until your chests touched. now he’d definitely know how fast your heart was beating.

you just hoped he wouldn’t say anything about it.

“don’t think it’s working.” that was lie. you didn’t like how his embrace did indeed make you feel so much warmer.

“it can make other things warm too.” he squeezed your sides gently, a feeling you didn’t realise you needed until now.

“like what?” your arms wrapped around his neck daringly, your head tilting to the side almost as if it would make you see him better.

“hearts.” he just had to say that.

“cheesy.”

“always.” he smiled once more, swaying with you gently.

you stayed quiet for a bit. just allowing yourself to be free with him. no tension, no stiffness. just letting go for a bit. and for the first time, you felt so at ease. whole. you felt so whole.

you hadn’t felt whole like that with a guy. not that you could ever recall or remember. you didn’t want to imagine another time you ever felt this way. you liked that it was your first with him because keonho was different.

in this moment you couldn’t tell yourself that he had any frat boy bone in him. it was a different keonho.

one you didn’t really know of. just one that was sweeter than you had thought. gentle. surprisingly good at taking your mind off things.

weirdly cheesy for a “player.”

your hair clung to your face like it didn’t plan on letting go any time soon, your clothes seemingly doing the same thing. whatever remains of your heartbreak prior had washed away, your body soaked with another feeling.

you looked up at him again. he was already staring. your eyes darted away, avoiding his gaze. he didn’t say anything, just left out a soft huff that sounded similar to a chuckle. then your head was on his chest before you could even think about anything else. he did that. he wanted it. you did too.

you didn’t even need to question it. not with the way his racing heart’s rhythm matched your own. the way it slowed as you sank deeper into his arms.

you didn’t understand why you liked this. why it felt so out of this world. so unreal. it wasn’t anything like you’d ever experienced. nothing like what seonghyeon could ever bring to the table. but you didn’t want it to be what you were thinking.

not while you were crying over someone else.

but, when your hands laid on his chest along with your head and you sniffed out the faint scent of his cologne that hadn’t yet washed away, you felt it.

somewhere in your heart, keonho was there. against your will. without warning. keonho was waiting there. he was waiting in line. you just had to give him the keys to the lock.

“thank you.” you whispered, not looking at him. just focused on the water’s surface and sloshes and how he held you there. not trapped or loose. just secure enough for you to forget about your worries for a moment.

“for what?” his fingers were threading through your wet strands. he knew exactly what you would say. you just happened to know that he took pleasure in hearing you tell him what he wanted to hear.

“helping me forget about him. first time i’ve felt whole in a while.”

“don’t say thank you. it’s my specialty.” he said, a hint of cockiness in his tone. of course he’d do that. he was ahn keonho. he needed to toot his horn every once in a while. you just assumed it was an instinct.

“so i’m not the first to receive these services?” you lifted your head up, scrutinizing him. you wanted to feel special, just for a second. just one. in a way that seonghyeon wouldn’t let you. you wanted to know what it’d be like.

“oh no, of course you are.” it was the way he said it. like there was just no possible way that he could have ever made anyone feel this way, that anyone else could take the place you didn’t realise you had in his life until now.

“of course?” you couldn’t hide the shock in your tone, your eyebrow raising.

“of course.” he insisted, his eyes never leaving your own. he had this habit of insisting on things. especially with you. he insisted on a lot of things. one of the reasons why you couldn’t bring yourself to see him as a liar.

a lot of the things he insisted on were true.

you just trusted him enough.

and you didn’t like how easy it felt to trust his word. for him to be so convincing just by repeating the same words a third time.

“so i do have significance in your life?” it was more of a question than a statement, a hint of hope creeping in. you didn’t want to sound like someone craving validation but you were already desperate for it the second you let seonghyeon into your life.

the both of you knew you wanted and needed it.

“yeah.” he assured, almost like he knew exactly what you were thinking. it made you feel sure. you didn’t know why you had doubts anyway. maybe you were finally starting to figure out your feelings for once.

“don’t have to pretend with you?” you tilted your head.

“not like how you do with him. just be… you.” he knew it. he knew it was all a cover up. a facade. he knew you so well and it had only been weeks. weeks. it intrigued you. but it also made you feel seen.

everything you wished seonghyeon would show you, he did. everything you need seonghyeon to give you, he did. keonho did it all without being begged or being guilted into it.

he did it all willingly. he wanted you in his arms just for a little while and he just wanted to see that pain fade away. even if it was just temporary. that was what he wanted.

that was all you needed to realise that maybe he was worth it. maybe ahn keonho was worth falling for.

“fine.”

you laid your head back on his chest and watched the stars dust the sky. you had to get home soon. you didn’t really care. he’d probably walk you home without discussion. you wanted that anyway.

you just wanted to enjoy whatever that was. just feeling close to being loved. maybe you’d forget this feeling in the morning or maybe it’d cloud your dreams. maybe you wouldn’t be able to sleep at night cause you were debating whether or not you made the smart decision to have feelings for two people at once.

most likely all of the above if you’re lucky enough to forget how it felt the next day.

you surely were going to be unlucky. very unlucky.

THE POOL INCIDENT BROUGHT YOU CLOSER THAN YOU HAD THOUGHT. more like than keonho had thought for the most part. keonho wasn’t used to the concept of actually being close to a girl. it was usually just desperate attention seekers who thought that being with him was like getting a million bucks.

keonho couldn’t ever bring himself to understand how anyone could ever want to be next to him so badly. he didn’t think he was worth all the heart eyes and the giggles. they never lasted long anyway. a lot of his relationships, if you can even call them that, simply centered around being the news of the week which would die down eventually and find its place in something we call history.

he didn’t care. keonho didn’t care about a lot of things actually. it never bothered him. he just felt like it was stupid and a tiny little boost to his ego. but you were the first girl he truly looked at. actually had conversations with. felt genuinely concerned for. cared for. you were all of those firsts.

keonho wasn’t one for change but for you, he felt himself doing just that. he stopped kissing girls by the locker rooms before practice. he also stopped giving his jacket to every other girl that stared at it a second longer.

he just let his old habits die. unconsciously. he felt the difference one day. the day he caught you going back to your old ways.

it was a friday, five in the evening. he had just finished practice. he wanted to see you. he felt that want growing each and every day. faster than he would’ve liked. and he started to realise that tension and what it was doing to him. how it was altering his mind in a way that kept him up at night thinking about you.

he went to your usual spot, the small bench behind some of the classrooms close to the pool with this huge tree you named fern. why did you name it fern? cause you were too lazy to think of an actual name. why did you name it to begin with? because you were bored. you told him fern was one of the only “friends” you could vent to. first it was only. then keonho came around and that changed.

more change.

he was looking forward to seeing you, most likely sketching a small doodle in your book with headphones plugged in, seemingly unaware of whatever was going on around you.

but then he heard that voice. the same voice that was going to crush your heart with no mercy. seonghyeon. then he heard you. one peak and he saw you both kissing. full on make out.

keonho wasn’t supposed to feel anything. that wasn’t a part of the script. but he did. as much he didn’t want to or even told himself not to, he did anyway. and it stung. the only thing that ever stings are his scrapes on the rough concrete of the pool walls. not stupid feelings.

yet he still felt hurt. for the first time ever. because of a girl. another first for ahn keonho. and somehow, another win for you, y/n l/n.

he was gone before you could even blink, that anger or disappointment—whatever it was—sending him into overdrive.

maybe this is what you felt like, seeing seonghyeon and that girl. that’s the pain you felt, just a hundred times worse. worse enough to have you making out with him when you should have been moving on from him. with keonho instead. selfish, he knew that. you weren’t even his. but for some reason, in that moment when his feelings seemed to be controlling his body, that’s what he felt he needed.

KEONHO WAS AVOIDING YOU. it was final. something that you didn’t even have to question. since the afternoon you decided to make the extremely idiotic decision to make out with the one guy that was out to make your life hell, he hadn’t been talking to you.

you didn’t know why exactly.

you just felt it shift somewhere in the air. shorter replies, physical distance between you two. his eyes always locked on something else that wasn’t your face. and when you felt him look for just a second, it was gone. he’d always stay.

something was wrong.

you don’t know why you thought that seonghyeon was actually being sensible for once. when he texted you to come to your usual spot. you hated how you thought you were special for him remembering, but anyone that knew you briefly or just saw you around often would know that the huge tree graced with pink blossoms was your second home.

then came the apology. you heard that a couple times from him. the logical part of your brain would deny him more and more as the occurrences continued. that ticked him off and you knew it. but when you thought you had finally won, finally stopped yourself from falling for him. finally broke the cycle. he would hold you in his arms and stare at you like you were the only thing that mattered.

you knew he’d done the same with other girls, but for some reason that need to feel special and validated overpowered all kinds of logic.

then you were making out with him again and you knew you’d be crawling back.

that’s how it always goes. and you hated it. more than you loved it. god, you fucking hated it so much.

but it felt weird the last time. it felt wrong. it always felt wrong. but it felt like you were committing a crime you’d get big jail time for.

you pulled away from him before it could even start. seonghyeon didn’t say anything. he just looked at you. not like you were his or like the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen. but like something that had no purpose. something he didn’t need anymore.

for the first time it didn’t hurt. you didn’t care. because keonho was clouding your judgment. your thoughts. and your heart too. and you needed him at that moment.

you ran. as far away as you could. like you didn’t want seonghyeon to find you again. you wanted to go somewhere where only keonho would find you. only keonho could make you happy. only he could have your heart.

you had feelings. you actually had feelings. you didn’t want them to be the kind of feelings you harboured for seonghyeon. the kind that were just there in your heart to prove a point to your head. the kind that you just needed to keep there to feel sane. normal.

these feelings didn’t feel that way.

they felt oddly real. you didn’t know if it was right to hate or love them. you didn’t know what to do with them. maybe it was just better to stick to seonghyeon.

he was easier to deal with. your feelings for him were easier to deal with. you knew what to expect each time and you knew what to tell yourself to feel each time. and what to do. it was a routine.

keonho was unpredictable. different. his feelings weren’t something you knew or were sure of. he just did things that made you question if you were truly sane. you liked it. but you couldn’t love it.

just tell yourself you love hyeon, y/n. it’s easier that way.

maybe keonho saw you guys kissing. maybe. you hoped he didn’t. you prayed that it was just because seonghyeon bragged about it like an asshole. not because keonho actually saw.

on the days when you and keonho didn’t talk, you thought back on that day. on that kiss with seonghyeon. you didn’t really like it. then you remembered that keonho was right about you.

and you’d go back to wishing that was keonho in his place.

why? because somehow you were actually feeling something for someone.

and it was ahn keonho of all people on this planet.

KEONHO FELT LIKE A SEONGHYEON CLONE. okay, maybe not a clone. maybe like a project. okay that’s definitely the wrong word for it. hmm, what was i like, huh? a carbon copy of hyeon then. yeah, a carbon copy of hyeon.

since keonho saw that ungodly sight—he was being dramatic—he chose to ignore you. he’d talk to you sometimes, just to see your face again and hear your voice without forgetting it but it didn’t erase the feelings he had.

keonho liked you. that had probably been established the day he saw you at that house party. he did. but he was feeling so much more than that that he couldn’t even explain it. he’d find himself on google sometimes, researching about his feelings like he was trying to diagnose himself with something. love.

he didn’t like what his search history had become. he was even on reddit. reddit!

why can’t i stop thinking about her?

what to do when you miss a girl a lot?

how to tell if you’re in love with someone?

do i love her?

yeah, he was gone.

keonho wasn’t a love person. he didn’t do those things. maybe he’d say it sometimes to girls that wouldn’t leave him alone but that didn’t mean he meant it. the words felt empty when he said them. so incredibly empty. they felt meaningless.

and sometimes he wondered if he could ever say those words and feel something. he prayed that day would come. he didn’t know why at first.

but as he lay awake every night, thinking of your face and your voice. your hair. your smile. the aching desire to feel your touch just once more. that day at the pool.

he realised that he wanted to feel it for you.

but that was impossible. seonghyeon was there. and keonho was probably just some coping mechanism to you. you never really showed him any signs of reciprocation. not even the tiniest hint of feelings. he was just someone that would try to snap you out of your stupidity with some eye contact and advice with a hint of flirt from time to time.

so what did he do?

he dated girls. a bunch of them. just to fill in that place where you laid. that large part of his heart he didn’t even know was there.

at first he was extremely reluctant, he was probably always going to be. but his feelings were getting so much stronger than he could control. and each and every single time you came to him to talk just for a little while, he got so much closer to the edge of risking it all that he just had to push you away for his sake and your own.

he needed some kind of distraction. because if he had nothing but a pool and a basketball and his stupid friends, that growing want for you was soon going to fuck him up. and you. and possibly mess with the balance of the universe.

those relationships didn’t really last long. his record was four weeks. it was all the same recycled bullshit over and over again. it made him wonder if he was aromantic or if those girls were just full of shit. then he thought of you and realised that they were just shit.

the same “i love you” texts after everything. the concern that came when he decided the break up was nearing. the begging to wear his varsity jacket at his games and the “cute” stories on instagram.

being with those girls in public felt like a humiliation ritual. he hated it so much. so fucking much. each time he kissed their cheeks and held their hands, he wished it was you. every single time he gave them a back hug in front of their friends to “seal the deal” it just made it worse.

and there was a time he saw you. he was holding another girl’s hand while she had her head on his shoulder. she was rambling about something he couldn’t be bothered to care about. he’d just listen enough to know when to hum and be “happy” for her.

you were alone this time. you looked a little different. no cherry red lip gloss. just a soft pink one. no bangs framing your face, just some waves that bounced perfectly with each step. your outfits barely changed but it was enough for him to tell the difference.

you looked so unlike yourself. so soft, gentle. like you were trying hard to be something you were not. you’d only ever do that if there was some part of your life you were trying to leave behind. he knew you well enough to know that was the reason. the only reason.

you looked at him for a second, then at her. and he saw something flicker in your eyes quickly. hurt. yeah, that’s what it looked like. it faded quickly but he didn’t stop looking. then you looked back at him again. longing. you looked like someone who desperately missed a person that was right in front of them.

you stared a little longer that time. almost like you wanted him to realise it. like you wanted him to run to you and pull him in his arms while you told him all the secrets you locked away. and he almost did.

he let go of his girlfriend’s hand and almost sprang up.

but you turned away, walked faster like staying there would have made you do something you would’ve regretted. or maybe you just thought keonho would regret it.

but keonho wanted you. he needed you like air. and he hated what he became because of his feelings. this stupid “player” trying to rid himself of the love he felt for a girl trapped in an endless cycle of pain.

he was hurting you and hurting himself. that was worse than losing any swim comp. worse than missing a game-winning shot.

he was losing himself for you. he was watching you lose yourself for a guy that didn’t care. and he needed to get you back.

he was gone.

but he didn’t want you to be a gone girl.

not before he got his seat at the table.

SEONGHYEON THIS, SEONGHYEON THAT. why was he still in your life? you’d ask yourself that every single day but when you thought you had the answer to it, you didn’t. he was just there. something to fill the void and something to get your mind off keonho. well, he was originally supposed to fill the void. then you actually grew to feel something for him. attachment. then keonho rolled around, showing you what it’s actually like to be loved and you haven’t stopped thinking about him since. haven’t stopped wondering what his girlfriends were bringing to the table.

wondering if he’d ever ask you to be his. you’d just tell yourself if he really wanted to, he would have done that a long time ago even with seonghyeon being there. would you have dropped to your knees crawling to him or seonghyeon? you didn’t know. not at first. but as time went on, you realised you would have indeed ran to keonho if you got the chance. too late, maybe.

you still had those feelings for seonghyeon. the ones that made you feel like you couldn’t live without him. the same very ones that also made you feel like he was a good person with a good heart he didn’t know how to use yet. you wanted to be the test subject. the first experiment. first and last.

but as time went by, you started questioning if there was really a future with him. if seonghyeon was ever worth your time. if there was even a point in him still being in your life when keonho existed. but you’d kiss him and even when part of you didn’t like it like you used to, you felt that attachment. that part of you that couldn’t let go of seonghyeon even when you tried.

you weren’t trying hard enough.

“hyeon.” you asked softly, twisting the hem of his shirt between your fingers.

“yeah, baby?” he didn’t look at you, just stilled his hand where it was on your waist. you didn’t like how he called you baby. with this faux sweetness which seemed to be a feeble attempt at ending the conversation before it could even start.

he knew what you were going to ask. what are we? or some bullshit like that.

“i can’t do this anymore.” not what he was expecting, worse actually.

“you saw us, didn’t you. it didn’t mean anything.” his grip on your waist tightened by a fraction, the words tinged with this edge you didn’t like. that look on his face.

he was gaslighting you. well, he was about to.

“you say that all the time.” you let go of his shirt, pulling away from him. but he didn’t let you move, tugging you back to him.

“cause it’s true.” he muttered, his eyes narrowing. you hated it so much, his touch. something you used to crave now disgusted you. it made your skin crawl.

“then why are you always with another girl?” you got up off his lap by luck, his hands falling at his sides. he didn’t say anything for a moment, just stared at you like you were the bad guy.

“because i need space. you’re clingy and you get all sentimental and emotional about everything.” emotional? all you wanted was to be loved and that seemed to be a character flaw in seonghyeon’s book.

“it’s called having feelings.”

“i told you no strings attached.” he looked up at you, knowingly. he was right. for the first time, you couldn’t argue with that. you let him walk into your life knowing fully well what it would do to you.

“so i was just some game to you? you feel nothing for me?” but, it still hurt. your eyes burned with the realisation, your eyes fluttering to keep it together. you weren’t going to cry in front of eom seonghyeon and give him the satisfaction of successfully breaking you he wanted.

“yeah, you were, what else was it supposed to be?” he raised his eyebrows like he couldn’t think of what else you could’ve possibly been.

“real, maybe?” you hated how your voice cracked, how the realisation was settling in faster than you would’ve liked. you were simply just a placeholder. something he’d run to when no one else was around.

and he didn’t care about you. he just told you what you wanted to hear because facing the reality of the situation was far more complicated than feeding into your fantasies.

“big things you’re asking for.”

“wanting basic love and affection are big things?”

“expecting it from me is. you know how i am. don’t make me feel bad for you chasing something that was never there.” that was your breaking point. the tears balanced on your waterline, your eyes fluttering in an instant once more like an instinct. it was.

“you’re unbelievable.” you choked out, running a frustrated hand through your hair. you weren’t mad at him, not anymore, you were mad at yourself for staying. for settling for less. for letting him walk over you and have his way with you.

“no, you’re just pathetic. go beg for validation and some cuddles from someone else.” he shrugged, his words humiliating.

“you were stringing me along.” you whispered, a broken whimper. you couldn’t hide the betrayal that you felt, the sadness.

you wasted so much time wishing for something you’d never get. he was never going to give you what you wanted and that was final. you realised that a long time ago. but it made it easier to pretend that it wasn’t true because that meant you had a reason to let yourself stay. to hope. to let him kiss you over and over.

“only told you what you wanted to hear, baby. you stayed on your own.” he shook his head, lifting a finger.

“you’re an asshole.” you tried to sound angry, tried to sound strong. but it came out small. weak. that’s what he made you. fragile. god, eom seonghyeon was the last person you had ever wanted to see you like this.

“tell me something i don’t know.” he crossed his arms over his chest nonchalantly, seemingly unbothered by you.

“it’s over. we’re done.” you grabbed your things in a rush, blinking away some more tears, hurrying out the room.

“mm.” he hummed casually, watching you leave with this sarcastic smirk plastered across his face.

the second you were out of that classroom, it all came crashing in. the tears streamed down your face with no end nearby, your vision blurred. your chest heaved with short gasps and broken sobs, your body slumping against a locker.

in that moment, you were thinking of keonho. of his many warnings, of his touch. the way your heart skipped a beat at least once whenever he was around. how he treated you like no other. keonho would’ve held you in his arms and told you it would be okay if he was with you.

you thought of your feelings. who your heart was truly beating for. it wasn’t seonghyeon. it probably never was seonghyeon. it was keonho. he made you feel like you were living in another world. with his dumb jokes and his oddly perfect ways of bringing you comfort.

you couldn’t think of anything else. just about how pathetic you were and how much you were yearning for that stupid frat boy.

i need you, keonho.

IT WAS A FRIDAY SO YOU COULD BE ALONE AT THE POOL. no noise or boys. just you. though you wished keonho was there. usually he would’ve been in the pool by now but there seemed to be no sign of him whatsoever. maybe he was still avoiding you.

you somehow managed to drag yourself over to the pool even after sobbing out every bit of energy within you. you just felt drained. numb. your nose was probably red, along with your eyes. you weren’t exactly the prettiest crier.

you heard some bubbles and kicks in the water that were not far away from you. someone was swimming. you didn’t realise that you weren’t alone. it then suddenly dawned upon you that keonho probably wasn’t the only person that swam in this pool after hours. how embarrassing would it be if a random found you disturbing their peace with your tears? extremely.

“y/n?” to think you thought ahn keonho was not the only one swimming in this pool on friday evenings. nope, you were wrong. only keonho would do this stuff expecting you to be there with him.

he immediately pushed himself out of the water, sitting beside you. you didn’t really want him to see just how incredibly wrecked you were but the second you lowered your head, his fingers were already grabbing your chin.

“look at me.” the single command was enough to make your knees go weak. even though you felt reluctant, you looked at him anyway. you hadn’t been this close to him in weeks.

not since he filled out his schedules with a new girlfriend every week. it’s like he was trying to keep you away from him. yet the way he came to your side with so much urgency made you think that he was waiting for a moment to be with you.

“it’s over.” you whimpered, feeling the tears rushing back again. his features softened in an instant, his grip loosening.

“oh, y/n.” even though he was soaked, he lifted you up onto his lap, burying your face into his chest. this was all that you needed. and somehow it made the tears fall even quicker. you didn’t even know if you were crying over seonghyeon anymore or if it was just your emotions.

you didn’t really care.

“it’s okay. it’ll be okay, i’m right here. i’m not going anywhere.” he shushed you gently, his arms slung around your body, one hand stroking your hair while the other held you close to him. you held onto him like a lifeline, your body shaking with each sob.

at first you weren’t particularly fond of how good he was at making you feel better but then you were convinced you wouldn’t be able to live without him. his reassuring words, his touch that made you feel like you were being shielded from the world.

“i won’t let anyone hurt you. not seonghyeon or anyone else. not again.” the certainty of his words, the protectiveness. no one ever said those things to you. no one ever made you feel like they could be your safe space. your sanctuary. but he did and that made every second you spent with him worth it all.

“i don’t deserve you.”

“no, you deserve it all, y/n. don’t ever doubt that.” you found yourself being unable to defy him. his clarity. you thought he knew what you deserved better than you did. he probably did. and it was probably better to keep it that way.

you didn’t say any more. just waited for the cries to subside. for the pain to fade slowly. and you just let him hold you.

because ahn keonho knew how to make you forget the pain.

KEONHO KNEW HOW TO PUT UP A STRONG FRONT. how to mask his feelings without anyone truly knowing how he felt. maybe that’s why he was able to be a frat boy. frat boys didn’t need to show their feelings. he didn’t like to be read like an open book because that meant he was exposed. he hated being exposed. it was weird. it freaked him out. so when you came to the pool, bawling your eyes out because of his dick friend, he had to do just that.

keonho watched seonghyeon hurt girls for a while. he stopped telling him to fix his ways because he wasn’t ever going to listen. he knew it was wrong. he knew it was fucked up. but when he watched the effects of his actions on you, it made his blood boil. it flicked a switch within him.

he made girls feel this way. it wasn’t just you. it was all the girls that thought seonghyeon was capable of love. the girls with hopes higher than the clouds and a fragile heart. the girls he made lose their smile and their hope for love. he did that all and he’d do it again a million times. it was just different seeing it for himself.

and all of a sudden he felt this primal urge to give seonghyeon a piece of his mind.

“what you did to y/n wasn’t cool, you know?” keonho said, low and deliberate. seonghyeon didn’t once look up from his phone, a small smirk on his lips.

“she came crying to you about it?” he asked in a way that sounded mocking, chuckling.

“does it matter?” keonho narrowed his eyes at seonghyeon’s laughter, an edge to his tone.

“still pathetic as ever.” he shook his head, scoffing under his breath.

“don’t talk about her like that.” keonho’s voice raised slightly, his fists starting to clench.

“since when did you care about her?” seonghyeon looked up when he heard the anger in keonho’s voice he was trying to conceal, raising his eyebrows.

“that doesn’t matter.”

“well, she wasn’t that interesting anyway. she was so clingy and just followed me around like a lost puppy.” he shrugged, focusing his eyes back down on his phone but keonho grabbed it swiftly, causing him to narrow his eyes slightly as well.

“she cares about you.” keonho’s tone softened at the mention of you, his fists unclenching at the slightest.

“like an idiot. she was nothing to me. i just kept her there cause she’d always come back.” his face scrunched up slightly, his lack of empathy very evident. keonho hated the way seonghyeon spoke about you. like you were something to discard, something he’d kept close for safety.

“you’re an ass, dude.” keonho’s thick eyebrows knitted together tightly, that edge quickly finding its way back to his voice—sharper. he didn’t want to show just how pissed off he was but seonghyeon made that harder than it needed to be.

“i know what i am. and she must know how weak and gullible she is too.” he smirked once more, his voice laced with sarcasm. keonho’s hands balled into tight fists again, digging them into the bench to hold himself back.

“don’t talk about her that way, seonghyeon.” he warned, cold and protective, his eyes piercing into seonghyeon’s.

“or what? gonna fight me over it? over a loser you wouldn’t have pitied if you weren’t sober that night?” he jeered, a jab that left keonho silent for a few seconds. it was true, if keonho was absolutely wasted that night the outcome would’ve been completely different.

but he was glad he saw you. more than that. it was just a what if. keonho saw you and he felt something he didn’t before. some stupid hypothetical wasn’t going to make him feel ashamed.

“she’s more than that to me.” he retorted, his voice slightly losing its edge, the intensity of his feelings still dark in his eyes. it was getting harder and harder to not wipe that smirk off his face with a dirty blow.

“right because she was just your company. just someone to flirt with. so much more, hm?” he sneered smugly, letting out a yelp when keonho yanked on his collar tight enough to rip his shirt.

“i said don’t talk about her like that.” he warned once more through gritted teeth, his face a breath away from seonghyeon’s, his voice rough and icy.

“oo, feisty.” he snickered, taking everything keonho gave him like keonho was the villain.

then.

“keonho! what are you doing?” your eyes widened in disbelief at the sight of his fist swinging forward right toward seonghyeon’s face.

they both turned to you, keonho’s face instantly softening to something guilty while seonghyeon’s smirk only grew wider. the two guys that had a place in your heart, right in front of you, about to tear each other’s faces apart.

it was something about the way keonho looked at you, how he suddenly stumbled back when seonghyeon pushed harshly like he wasn’t in control anymore. his jaw wasn’t taut, his fists weren’t balled up tight enough to show his veins. his eyes lost that darkness.

he was sort of bare. vulnerable maybe.

you hadn’t ever seen keonho that angry. you knew he hated how much seonghyeon treated you like shit but you didn’t think he’d go to war for you. or even beat him up for it. it pulled on some of your heartstrings.

seonghyeon just stared at you like how he did that day. you didn’t even want to look at him, you couldn’t bear to. no matter what feelings you still had inside, you just couldn’t. not when he’d let keonho bust up his face to be the victim of something he started. to be someone you would pity. that’s what he wanted.

you understood it now. and it made you sick to your stomach.

but at that moment, you were mad at him. mad at keonho for getting into a fight that didn’t need to happen. he could’ve gotten kicked off the swim and basketball team. suspended. for you. you didn’t want to be that for him. someone he’d get into trouble for. especially if you weren’t really anything but friends.

what if he got hurt badly? what if they both hurt badly? you didn’t want to be the cause of that. not over your stupidity or the empathy you wished you didn’t carry.

“y/n, it’s no-” keonho shook his head, pleading softly but was cut off by the lack of expression on your face. you grabbed his wrist, dragging him away until you were far enough to not see seonghyeon again.

you let go, your arms crossed over your chest.

“why?” you interrogated, your jaw clenched.

“he said shitty things about you.” he murmured.

“he says shitty things all the time.”

“i couldn’t just sit by and let him say them.” he raised his voice, defensive. you went silent, avoiding his gaze.

“why? why couldn’t you just leave it?” you finally asked, more desperate. accusatory. you were upset with him. upset with how he chose to lose his temper and sense of control for you.

“what’s up with you, y/n? he’s full of shit.” he fumed in frustration, his eyebrows furrowing tightly.

“and i know that. you were going to bear the consequences of my actions.”

“i’d do it a million times for you.” his face softened to something blank. with the softest hint of something you hoped for yourself. love. you could deny it, lie through your teeth but it was there. you just didn’t know why.

the way he said it. like you meant everything to him. that was what you needed all this time. you only came to that realisation when you felt his words disarm you. you never let anything disarm you.

“keonho, don’t say that-”

“i mean it. he doesn’t deserve you. this world doesn’t.” he shook his head, firm. yet it still sounded so gentle.

“i-”

“no, let me finish. let me be honest with you.”

“why?” you asked again, faint this time.

“because i have feelings for you, y/n. for the first time i can actually look at a girl and say my heart beats for her. i’m glad it’s you. i just, i didn’t want those girls, i only wanted you,” he whispered, taking a step closer to you. then he paused.

“i only dated them because i couldn’t watch you go off with him. it was supposed to be me. i wanted you to need me. i needed that. and i’ve been needing you for weeks. more than i think i should. and i just can’t let you go through that. not when i’m right here willing to show you how to be loved.” he stopped until he was right in front of you, his hands sliding up your face slowly. you grew to love his touch. the warmth of it, how he held you like something precious he didn’t want to break.

he confessed. the worries, the hypotheticals in your head, the confusion. it was all soothed. you questioned his feelings for you many times, the times he held you in that pool like nothing else mattered. how he was just always there. it was undeniable. he did feel for you.

and it scared you.

“i-keonho.” you stammered, giving into his touch.

“i don’t want you to say anything, y/n. don’t. it’d make it hurt less. i just wanted you to realise that i’m here. i have been and i always will be even if there’s no one else to run to.” he caressed your cheeks, his forehead slowly pressing against your own. you closed your eyes, not saying anymore.

then your lips found his own, soft and warm, a hand grabbing your waist gently as your fingers tangled up in his hair.

you had kissed seonghyeon like this multiple times but this was different. you felt whole. you felt like staying in this moment forever. you didn’t want to let go. not with keonho. not with him. he made you feel brand new. free.

and in that moment you truly realised just how much you wanted him. and just how much you feared for your life at the thought of even doing this a second time.

you pulled away, your hands stopping on his chest. you didn’t look at him because if you did the tears wouldn’t have stopped.

“i can’t.” your voice trembled slightly, your head shaking. you could. you were just scared to lose him.

“what?” he asked softly, lifting your chin up gently.

“i can’t do this.” you didn’t look in his eyes, you couldn’t. not when you could feel the burning of hot tears at the corners of your eyes.

“why?” he asked once more, louder. sharp. frustrated. he was hurt. this was him being vulnerable. he was never vulnerable. that made it hurt more.

“i just… can’t.” you said weakly, a poor excuse. you weren’t convinced by your own words, looking down in shame.

“you can, y/n. we both know it. you can be free with me. you can let me love you.” he held both of your cheeks in his hands, forcing you to look at him again. his eyes were glossy and he sounded so hopeful. god, why did he have to be so good to you?

“i can’t, keonho. not with my feelings.” you whimpered, your lip quivering as you tried to fight off the tears. but they fell anyway.

“just want me too. you kissed me. you wanted this. just stay.” he wiped your tears away, blinking back his own with a sniffle, pleading. this was him raw. exposed. no filter, no hiding. this was keonho, truly.

this was him when he needed someone. when he didn’t want to put up a strong front because that meant putting his feelings aside and he couldn’t do that. not when he wanted you.

“i can’t do that to you, keonho.” you shook your head again, your thumb brushing under his bottom lid where the tears threatened to fall. leaving him would hurt him more than you staying and making mistakes with him and you both knew that well. that’s what made it worse.

“don’t leave me, please.” he begged, his voice cracking. the hurt. the tears. the way his heart was slowly breaking for you.

his nose and eyes were cherry red, his hands wobbling as they clung to you tight. you pulled them away, taking them in yours. he instantly laced his fingers with yours, loose like he was giving you space to decide. but you both knew what the choice would be.

“i’m sorry.” you let go slowly, wiping a tear with the sleeve of your shirt before turning around slowly. he didn’t stop you. didn’t say anything more. he said enough, he knew that. and he knew that the choice was yours. that at the end of the day, he couldn’t force you to come back. it was something you had to do on your own.

but you wanted him to pull you back in his arms. kiss you until you said yes. tell him all the thoughts you had about him. how you missed him even when he was right in front of you. you felt selfish. you needed him to need you too. the difference was you weren’t going to show it as much as he did. because something you’ve learnt to do is to not give yourself to people fully.

that protected you.

but, keonho would protect if he had to with no hesitation.

and that’s probably what made walking away from him the hardest thing you’d ever done.

YOU HADN’T TALKED TO KEONHO SINCE THAT KISS. since the day you decided you’d walk away. and you couldn’t remember the last time you’d actually spent time with ian. she was your best friend. but she was another person you selfishly pushed away. and she knew you weren’t okay.

“y/n, talk to me. you haven’t done that in weeks.” she asked, a gentle but firm pry. you didn’t want to tell ian you had an extremely toxic situationship that you had finally put to an end and had fallen for said situationship’s friend. not to mention making out with him right before breaking his heart.

“i’m fine.” you mumbled, staring at your sandwich. so you chose to lie and say that you were okay because that was somehow easier than acknowledging the dilemma you had.

“we both know you aren’t.” she said—final, like she knew you better than yourself. which was true.

“i am.” you repeated, almost like saying it a second time would convince her a bit more but if anything it gave her another reason to believe otherwise. you wouldn’t believe yourself either.

“would you believe me if i said i saw you and keonho making out the other day?” she asked randomly, your eyes widening with shock. your best friend whom you had been avoiding for weeks caught you making out with keonho. you didn’t like how the embarrassment churned in your stomach.

“you saw that?” you stammered, your heart pounding in your throat.

“well, i ran away as soon as you stopped. wouldn’t want to get caught gathering intel.” she smiled, patting your shoulder. you let out a soft sigh of relief. at least she didn’t see you sobbing like a loser. you hoped she didn’t.

“intel?” you raised an eyebrow.

“of course, i’ve been watching you and that bum like a hawk. keonho is much better. i hope you know that.” she narrowed her eyes expectantly.

“um.”

“what is that um for?”

“i…”

“please do not say you went back to that bum.” her her eyes widened with fear.

“no, of course not. i’ve been avoiding him for weeks. as well as keonho.” you shook your head frantically, your eyes widening as well.

“what! i shouldn’t have let you push me away so easily. look at how stupid you are without me.” she gasped, groaning in exasperation. well, harsh. but true.

“i’m sorry, i’m just scared.” you babbled, sipping your soda. well yes, you were indeed shaking with fear but did it really compare to how much you felt for keonho?

“of what? your feelings? stop that, y/n! you can’t keep letting fear cloud your judgment. you’ll keep doing things you’ll regret.” ian let out a deep sigh, rolling her eyes.

“i already have.”

“god, keonho probably misses you like hell.”

“he doesn’t call me but people keep telling me he’s been asking about me.” you murmured. that was true. two of his friends came to you asking questions only keonho would be interested in knowing the answers to.

“maybe because he’s like in love with you.”

“he didn’t say that himself.” you said quickly. of course, using that as an excuse gave you more reason to believe that what you did wasn’t as evil as it actually was.

“oh, but i can see it.” she pointed two fingers to her eyes then to you.

“i’m sorry for pushing you away, ian.” you apologised softly, looking at her through your lashes.

“it was because of that bum, i forgive you. but you’ll only earn my heart again if you get with keonho.” she shrugged, tilting her head at you. of course. her kindness was too good to be true. not that getting with keonho was something you weren’t fond of. if anything, it was all you’d been dreaming of.

“can’t do that.” you shook your head.

“huh? are you dense or something? of course you can. just tell him you love him and he’ll be all yours.” she frowned, looking around in confusion.

“but i hurt him. i’m broken.”

“he’ll put you back together then. he’s already been doing that. you don’t look like your heart is breaking when you’re with him.” she said warmly, taking your hands in hers.

“how do i look then?”

“like a girl who’s fucking in love! get your man! and do not go back to that bum.” she giggled, her voice low and very serious at the last part.

“i’ll think about it.”

“you know what? i should’ve just sat alone in the bathrooms. cannot deal with your bullshit.” she let go of your hands with a scoff, getting up from her seat.

“sorry not sorry.” you stuck your tongue out at her.

“you will be if keonho isn’t yours. there’s a party tomorrow and he’ll probably be there. you are coming, no negotiation.” she told you firmly, leaving zero room for discussion. and you knew that very well. even if you didn’t want to go, ian would be at your door exactly an hour before it started to forcefully give you a great night. well, her idea of a great night.

“fine.” you muttered softly.

“that’s more like it. ciao!” she winked at you, waving as she walked off.

a party. with ahn keonho there. there was absolutely no way you’d escape him. either you’d find him or he’d find you. it was inevitable. and you’re not meant to spend your night worrying about seeing someone at a party.

especially if you had been yearning to see them.

because truth be told, you had missed keonho more than would’ve liked to admit. all you could think about was that kiss, all the times you’ve spent with him. each and every single word he said to you.

it forced you to think about your feelings too, the one thing you hated doing. because thinking about your feelings meant acknowledging them and that meant telling yourself that you were in love with keonho. you had never been in love before. no one had ever come close.

it scared you. just the thought of loving him scared you. you didn’t want to let him down and you didn’t want to disappoint him. you didn’t want him to regret committing himself to you nor did you ever want to be anything less than the girl he wanted.

you were used to not being enough. to not be truly wanted. so when a guy comes into your life and looks at you like you’re the reason the world still spins it’s hard not to feel like you’ll ever be enough.

maybe it'd be worth it. maybe you two would make amends.

maybe you’d truly fall in love.

YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE BEEN AWAKE THIS LATE. nor should you have been this wasted yet here you were, drunk out of your mind regretting everything because drowning yourself in some alcohol made thinking about keonho easier. newsflash! you were far from the truth.

you felt horrible, really horrible. like a monster. every time you found out keonho was asking around about you, every time he looked at you like a starving man. every time you remembered that he wanted you. and every time you remembered that you were the one who walked away when all you wanted was to stay.

and sometimes the pain goes away. sometimes it passes over time and you feel a little bit better about the reality of the situation but knowing that he wanted you didn’t bring you comfort. it only made you feel like more of a burden. he was probably staring up at his ceiling, thinking about you. wondering if he should’ve sent a text or called you to hear your voice just once.

you were projecting.

maybe he despised you for your decision. maybe he let you go that day because he realised he was better off being with a girl who was whole and committed. not someone weak like you.

but keonho was too understanding. too good to you. too good for you. he wouldn’t resent you even if he tried. and the thing is that he wouldn’t even try. wouldn’t think of the idea of hating you.

that made it worse.

so, you drank it all away. the worry, the pain, the hurt, the guilt. it made it all better.

“hello?” a familiar voice came from the other line, sounding slightly rough with sleep.

“is that you, keonho?” you asked softly.

“yeah?”

“miss you.” you mumbled, your words slurred.

“are you drunk?” he questioned with subtle concern. you didn’t really like how he didn’t say it back. maybe he truly was mad at you.

“just tipsy.” you breathed out. you most definitely weren’t just tipsy.

“where are you?”

“home.”

“okay.” he said, trying to hide his relief.

“i’m sorry.” you suddenly apologised, you sat up, holding the phone closer to your ear.

“why?”

“i hurt you. and i miss you and you’re just too good to me.” you sighed, your guilt and hurt shining through.

“i miss you too.” he whispered back like a secret between you two, his tone yearning.

“are you mad at me for it?” you asked after a beat of silence, silently wishing he wasn’t.

“no.” he replied immediately. at least he didn’t hate you.

“why?”

“because you’re calling me.” he responded sleepily, his voice deeper. he was talking to you even though he was on the brink of knocking out.

“drunk calling.” you corrected.

“still calling me.” you could hear the smile in his voice. he was happy. that made your heart flutter.

“i’d be mad at me.” you hummed.

“i’m not, isn’t that what matters?” the way he said it made your heart skip a beat. why did he have to be so unintentionally cheesy? well, was it really unintentional?

“yeah.” you agreed.

“why are you drinking?” he questioned once more.

that was an easy question to answer. you simply felt like a monster. like a complete burden. all you had really ever been in keonho’s life was a wreck. and you wrecked him too. yet somehow he managed to fall for you.

“‘cause i feel like shit.” you answered honestly.

“because of me?”

“‘cause of me.”

“i don’t know if you’ll remember in the morning.” he says with hesitation. you wanted to remember. whatever he wanted to tell you, you wanted to remember it like the back of your hand.

“i’ll try for you.”

“i love you, y/n. more than you could imagine.” you felt your chest bloom with warmth, your cheeks burning even more. except it wasn’t just the alcohol, it was because of ahn keonho who loved you.

“aww. you’re sweet.” you giggled.

“all you’re gonna say?” he couldn’t help but chuckle as well.

“no. i just feel a bit lost. i don’t want you to be hurt ‘cause of that. let me sort out my feelings.” you murmured, a bit serious. you meant it. but you knew your feelings. you just didn’t want to say them while you were drunk.

you were conscious enough to know that that was something you didn’t want to do.

“will you be there at the party tomorrow night?” he changed the subject, the question one you didn’t really want to answer. you wanted to but you didn’t at the same time.

“maybe.”

“come. please.” he pleaded faintly with a hint of desperation. what would happen if you went?

“will consider.”

“okay.”

“sleepy.” you babbled.

“go to bed, baby.” he insisted, the pet name sounding so right off his lips. could he call you that every day? could you be his baby?

“i wanna talk to you.” you whined.

“mm-mm.” he hummed in disagreement.

“fine, good night, keonho.” you gave in reluctantly, only cause it was him.

“dream of me.” he whispered, flirty in a way that made you feel so mushy on the inside.

you probably weren’t going to remember the conversation and you’d truly regret getting drunk in the morning but keonho would remember. and you wouldn’t forget the way your heart beat for him.

“THE PARTY HAS ARRIVED!” ian yelled, practically muted from how loud the music was blasting. you face-palmed, clutching your bag tighter as you made an attempt to escape your friend. but, to your demise, she caught up to you.

“hello, party pooper, don’t leave me!” ian called out to you, stumbling to you due to her newly bought heels she couldn’t quite walk in yet, placing a hand on your shoulder.

“where is your boyfriend?” you inquired, stopping your tracks. ian’s eyes lit up instantly, her index tapping her chin.

“oh, good question. i actually do not know.”

“is he not hosting this thing?” you tilted your head, eyebrows raising.

“yeah but like him and martin always do these insane prank thingys and like you can never find them.” she flicked her hair back, looking around where she hoped she could find him.

“right, please go find someone to dance with.” you nodded, backing away a bit.

“oo, because you’re trying your man. i won’t interrupt then.” ian giggled like a little kid, running off to a group of girls, flinging her hands up and cheering with them. you couldn’t help but smile, one of the only times in a while you actually did that, finding an empty couch with no wasted people or couples.

you watched the party unfold before you, red and purple lights that made it look like a club, a cluster of the classic red plastic cups and huge bottles of alcohol scattered across the counter which some clearly drunk people were standing on. an ungodly mix of colognes, perfumes, sweat and alcohol wafting through the air. just like the night you met keonho. except back then, the old you was a lost cause.

some people were sitting on the stairs, talking to people that appeared to be their significant others, girls sobbing into their phones in corners, a bunch of dudes that looked like the swim team cannonballing into the pool. and the couples either making out or dancing. some people even danced with complete strangers due to how intoxicated they were.

the music was loud, so loud you’d think the neighbours would file a noise complaint but the chaos in your head seemed to be much louder.

your eyes found seonghyeon, arms wrapped around a girl as he swayed with her, a smile on his face. it didn’t really look like that usual sarcastic smirk he gave you. it was different. softer maybe. it made your heart constrict in a way you didn’t like. jealousy maybe? you didn’t want to feel jealous. not when you had your growing feelings for keonho.

you immediately got up and found a full cup on the counter. you didn’t bother trying to identify what exactly was in it. all you knew is that it was probably some booze. you were definitely going to have some regrets the next morning. you didn’t care though.

you downed two cups, the burning at the back of your throat eliciting a cough from you. then you went back to the couch, staring into space because that was better than finding seonghyeon and that girl again. better than trying to find keonho.

your thoughts were in a spiral, keonho was consuming them. you just wanted to find him. as much as you didn’t, you did. you’d sink into his arms and never let go, confess everything you had been keeping inside, close to your heart.

you got up again, going upstairs. maybe he’d be up there alone, thinking. keonho had a habit of doing that. just disappearing to think. you hoped he was up there because you started to feel the effects of the alcohol in your wobbling.

you found a door, a small opening from the door not being shut fully. you saw a silver of light peaking out that brought to the conclusion that someone was inside. you slowly opened it, trying not to make a loud creak. there he was. sitting on whoever’s bed it was, his eyes instantly finding yours.

you froze, not saying anything or doing anything. just watching him. he looked good, so good. you wanted to tell him that. but you didn’t. you simply watched him get up and walk to you until he was barely a breath away. then he wrapped his fingers around your wrist, pulling you with him until you were both sitting on the bed.

your shoulder was brushing his, your knees bumping. none of you spoke, just sat side by side in silence, allowing it to do the talking. then his fingers slowly let go of your wrist, sliding down to lacing his fingers with yours. you didn’t hesitate to do the same, squeezing his hand gently in the process.

“do you remember?” he questioned suddenly, staring at you. you couldn’t help but stare back, right into his eyes, looking up through your lashes.

“last night?” your eyebrows furrowed in thought.

“mm.” he hummed.

“not really.” you shook your head.

“do you remember what i said?”

“no.” you saw a flicker of something in his eyes. disappointment maybe. it was all just a blur. you couldn’t remember no matter how hard you tried.

“i told you i love you. more than you know.” he murmured softly, his thumb drawing circles on the back of your hand. he loved you. he truly did love you. that was all you needed.

“i have a feeling there’s more you want to say.”

“mm. i do. you bring this side out of me that i didn’t know was there. i’ve never felt anything like this for anyone before and it scares me. but i love it so much and i just need you. here. i don’t want you to ever leave me,” his other hand twitched at his side as if he wanted to hold you close but was fighting that urge.

“i love you, y/n. since i saw you at that party with that lip gloss. every single day since then, you’ve been on my mind and in my dreams. i just want you to feel the same.” you smiled—barely—fiddling with his necklace with your free hand. his words, so real, raw. that vulnerability only you knew of. it was just love. love you couldn’t deny. love that mirrored your own.

“i do love you. i just pushed you away cause i was scared of not being enough for you. of not being able to be enough for you. but i love you, keonho. you’re the first boy i’ve ever loved and i wouldn’t mind you being my last.” you watched the way his face softened, how his eyes sort of lit up. his arm snaked around your waist, pulling you close, the other letting go of your hand to hold your cheek. then he kissed you.

it wasn’t anything desperate or eager. just gentle, warm. the kind that made the fireworks go off and your heart pound in your chest. that kind that expressed your love without needing words. “you don’t know how much i’ve wanted you to say that.” he whispered, out of breath and in love. you kissed him again, more passionate than the first, the both of you smiling against each other’s lips until you felt like you were suffocating.

“am i your boyfriend now?” he breathed out.

“yeah.” you smiled harder.

“my girl.” he held you to his chest, running his hands through your hair.

you didn’t know how exactly you could describe the feeling of being in love. it was a lot of things. feelings, words, emotions. like a roller coaster. but, it made you whole. it saved you. keonho saved you. he looked at you for one second and realised that he needed you. he loved you without hesitation or doubts. just love.

and it found you before you were a gone girl.

ahn keonho found you before you were a gone girl.

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THE MUSIC WAS BLASTING THROUGH THE SPEAKERS, booming in a way that had you questioning whether you’d leave this party without a burst eardrum. the air carrying cologne and perfume and hints of alcohol from people willing to live in the moment and no care for the consequences the next morning.

and you were there, sitting on a couch god knows how many people made out on, swirling a red cup around that a random girl asked you to hold onto as you watched the night unfold.

you were never really a party girl.

you didn’t like the creeps that hit on you with a date waiting in the corner nor did you like the sight of couples making out in every place you looked. the way parties made the chaos in your head so much louder than it needed to be.

but you sat through it all. the excitement and the bodies that swayed against each other. the acts of intoxication people would either flex or regret. the one person that didn’t seem to focus on what was happening before them.

“need company?”

ahn keonho happened to be them.

he had that smirk he always did, the classic frat boy grin that seemed to be the cherry on top for the stereotypes they claimed they didn’t fit. he just happened to be tolerable.

he was leaning towards you against the arm he had pressed into the cushion, his eyes fixated upon you like you were some mystery that needed solving. you were, maybe. to yourself at least.

the air was all of a sudden thicker.

“no. but i know you’ll stay.”

“how can you be so sure?” he questioned, his grin sitting perfectly on his lips.

“you’re looking at me like you have no intention of leaving.” you murmured, your eyes finding his despite the darkness of the room.

the blue and purple lights outlined his face in all the right places, his stupidly attractive face something you found oddly guilty for being entranced by.

“is that a problem?” he asked once again, rather smug. it was almost like a challenge. a test to see how far he could get with you. a press on one of your buttons.

“what makes you think that?”

“you’re looking at me like it could be.”

“and if it’s not?” you raised an eyebrow.

“then we’ll be the sober ones tonight.” he plopped down next to you, his arm shamelessly draping on the couch behind your head. his hand ghosted over your shoulder, not really there yet but close enough for the both of you to know what this was.

your nose was attacked by the distinct scent of his cologne.

then after a beat of silence.

“why are you alone?” he asked curiously.

“not the party girl.” you replied dryly.

“why are you here?” he turned to look at you.

“friend dragged me along.” you didn’t turn, not yet.

“where is she?”

“probably eating a dude’s face off.”

he paused at the disgust in your tone, amusement crossing his features.

“you not into that?” he raised an eyebrow.

“don’t know what i’m into anymore.” you finally looked at him, resignation in your voice.

“you look like a girl that’s sure of what she wants for herself.” keonho said, tilting his head at you.

“do i?” you asked, more to yourself than to him.

“to me you do.” he looked away.

for some reason, it had this undertone you didn’t really understand.

maybe it was meant to stay that way, unfinished.

“i don’t think i’ve found it yet.”

“we all do eventually.”

“you’re sure of yourself.” you said with a teasing lilt.

“mm-mm, just sure of fate.” he shakes his head, certainty laced in his tone.

“you believe in that?” you raised your eyebrows, seemingly shocked.

ahn keonho believing in fate. the playboy of the century.

you just happened to learn a new thing or two everyday.

“you know you do.” he looked at you like he knew you. and somehow that was worse than your being there at that party.

“just need someone to give me that hope.”

silence fell between you two. what continued to fill the air was the indistinct chatter of fights and laughter. muffled bass from the songs you couldn’t remember the name of playing.

and that undeniable tension between you two that grew quicker than you had intended for.

no one spoke after that.

you could just feel his stare. unwavering.

and you could both feel the beginning of something you weren’t quite sure you were ready for.

KEONHO THOUGHT HE WAS GOING CRAZY. since that party, since whatever was in the air that night, he just saw you everywhere. it was like all of a sudden you were this familiar part of his life and he barely knew you.

but you were always alone.

he saw you on the benches sometimes, drawing in a notebook. alone. he’d find you at the pool before swim practice. alone. he’d find you in the library reading those old books people didn’t touch. the ones that had a cloud of dust if they were hit hard enough.

then he saw seonghyeon with you soon enough. his friend.

it struck him for some reason. every time he saw you two walking together in all the places where you were alone, it made his chest tighten with this feeling he didn’t want to identify.

jealousy.

seonghyeon wasn’t a good guy. he had a bunch of girls lined up, waiting for him, and he played them all. he broke their hearts then moved onto the next.

he never committed to anything serious. feelings were like a game to him. a dirty game. girls knew. they knew he was trouble. everyone did.

yet one smirk had them caught up in his web. and soon enough, someone was asking him what they were while another girl was waiting for their chance.

you didn’t seem to be like those girls to keonho. you were different.

that night at the party. he wasn’t sure what it was about you. maybe it was the fact that you made ahn keonho think about you at night.

he usually didn’t bother himself with girls. when he did, it was just to give them the “five seconds of fame” they wanted. cause being with ahn keonho was like winning the lottery for some odd reason.

though he wouldn’t really date himself.

but he could only think about the cherry red lip gloss you wore. the way it shimmered. the way your hair framed your face in a way that made you look like something to chase after. your solitude.

he just wasn't used to girls being aloof. maybe that’s what was memorable about you.

keonho thought maybe you weren’t someone that would find themselves trapped in seonghyeon’s orbit. he didn’t want you to be.

he didn’t think you were his. he just felt it in the way you looked at him like you knew all the answers to questions he didn’t realise were there.

but you were there, a soft smile on your lips as you looked up at seonghyeon, that charming smirk plastered across his face.

you were going to get hurt. be like every girl he’s ever played. just another one of seonghyeon’s girls he wouldn’t chase after when it was all over. no matter how many times he said you meant something to him.

he would always replace you and the cycle would repeat itself until seonghyeon felt his heart beat for someone.

keonho wondered if that day would ever come.

“thought you’d be here with seonghyeon.”

“hm?” you hummed like you didn’t hear him.

“why are you alone?” he asked, his knee brushing yours as he sat down.

“he’s busy.” of course he was. he was feeding another girl some words he was going to tell you later.

“with what?” he raised an eyebrow. it was a test.

“he’s your friend.” you finally looked at him, your face softer than at that party.

“why do you hang out?” he blurted out.

curiosity killed the cat, they say.

“well, you’re curt.” you muttered, looking at him from your peripheral.

“i asked a question.” he said, rather firm.

“why’s that any of your business, keonho?” you turned to him fully, defensiveness in your tone.

here we go. what excuse were you going to use?

“because i can see it in your eyes.”

“see what?” you were playing dumb.

“that void you’re trying to fill. you think seonghyeon is the answer.” he murmured, more of an accusation than a statement.

you opened your mouth to deny it but nothing fell out. just that stare. he could see it. the way it narrowed like you were fuming then went back to normal like you had accepted it.

part of you knew he was right. but everyone has pride. and you weren’t going to admit it.

even with that soft smile when he saw you two together, it never really reached your eyes. it seemed like something you had to use to prove seonghyeon could change.

despite himself, keonho seemed to care about you in a way words couldn’t define. it wasn’t something you’d be able to tell immediately. it was just there.

he could see it in your eyes and in all the times seonghyeon had his arm around your waist that you weren’t happy. you were trying to be.

but you just weren’t.

and you looked like you were trying to figure keonho out. you couldn’t. he was odd in that way.

“there’s no void.” you finally muttered. you sounded like you were trying to convince yourself more than the boy in front of you.

“eh.”

“seriously.” you nodded. even you couldn’t believe your words.

“taking it with a grain of salt.” it sounded like mockery. it probably was.

“don’t talk like you know me.” defense mode back on.

“don’t act like seonghyeon will change for you. trust me. he won’t.” he looked at you once more, your eyes darker. your walls were coming up.

“you don’t know that.” come on, y/n. you’re better than this.

“i know him well enough, y/n,” his voice raised. he could see the subtle shock in your eyes. even he was surprised by himself. “don’t be stupid like everybody else.” he mumbled, looking at his feet.

“why? because i’m different?” you had figured him out, a little.

“to me you are.” there it was. those stupid words that made your heart constrict. the way he spoke like you meant something to him and you had basically just met.

“don’t you have a girl to kiss before swim practice?” you tilted your head at him. he couldn’t know what those words meant to you.

“probably.” now he was being cool.

“is it me?” and you were being curt. he almost choked on nothing.

you?

he thought back to that lip gloss you had on at that party. how many times had seonghyeon kissed it off? maybe you wore a different one just for him.

“hm.” he didn’t know what the right answer was.

“you’re considering it?” you caught him. he was considering it. how would your lips taste?

he’d just ask seonghyeon.

“eh.” now he was trying to be cool.

“you’re weird.” you let out a huff, one that sounded like a laugh, shaking your head.

“you’re weirder.” he tilted his head at you.

“fair.” you pressed your lips in a tight line.

after a beat of silence.

“i know seonghyeon won’t change. i just have hope, that’s all.” he could hear it. that hope. you wanted him to feel something. the odds wouldn’t work in your favour unfortunately.

“don’t get them up then. you’ll hurt yourself.” he knew you weren’t going to look at him when he said that.

so, somehow, his fingers were turning your face to him. one breath and he’d know what seonghyeon got to experience every day.

not now.

“i think i already have.” your eyes were wide. your cheeks dusted light pink. you were flustered. a new look on you.

could keonho be seonghyeon for a day?

“hm. gotta go.” he let go quickly, slinging his duffel bag over his shoulder as he sprang up.

he had to go before he felt himself blushing.

“i was right.”

“yeah, about swim practice.”

“no girls?” you asked.

“no girls.” he shook his head.

“liar.” your eyes narrowed playfully.

“kiss you later, y/n.” he winked at you, running off.

“weirdest!” you called out, a smile gracing your lips.

he was grinning too, you just weren’t supposed to see it. but he knew that you knew he was smiling.

seonghyeon was there after all.

but something about you made him think that maybe there was a lot more to the story. seonghyeon was just a mere fraction of it.

YOU DIDN’T KNOW WHY YOU WERE STILL WAITING AROUND FOR HIM. why seonghyeon was still apart of your life. wait! that was another lie. you did know. you had a void. keonho knew it too. you didn’t like his perceptiveness.

seonghyeon said no strings attached. no labels. he was speaking more for himself than he was for you. he knew you’d come back to him each time, desperately. that’s how he liked it. because your constant presence was a guarantee. he didn’t have to question whether you come back or not after an argument but the answer was already there.

he had the easy job. telling you wanted to hear, stringing you along then breaking your heart into pieces. he didn’t care about what mess he’d turn your life into.

it was his satisfaction.

yet somehow you fell victim to his sweet little words and the kisses he was probably giving someone else after school hours. just like you. you were quite used to it. the line “no strings attached.” very used to it actually. way too used to it.

you didn’t know how many seonghyeons have come in and out of your life, destroying every bit of effort you put into reversing the damage of the last. or what you said would be the last. your broken heart was just waiting to take another hit from the next person.

for as long as you remembered, you never had anything serious with boys. the universe hated you in that way. how many times you’ve said, “what are we?” you didn’t know. how many times you tried to get yourself together? you didn’t know.

how many times that you’d felt like a pathetic little idiot? a lot. you didn’t have the numbers.

each time you promised yourself that you wouldn’t let another guy hurt you again, it was another crack in your heart. another blow to the very few remnants of your dignity.

you lost the light in you. a long time ago. you were fucked up. beyond it probably.

you just wished that seonghyeon would give you a definite answer. that maybe it wasn’t really over. maybe he’d kiss you and tell you that he loved you. or maybe it would just be another point to ahn keonho.

one knock on his door. he didn’t answer.

another. maybe he was out.

third, harsh. the door was moving with you.

it was already open. someone was inside.

maybe he just didn’t hear you come inside.

the dorm was a mess. as always.

you didn’t like the silence. as you stepped closer and closer, you could hear it. loud and clear. the laughter, her giggles.

his voice. he was whispering something to her. it felt like déjà vu. you didn’t want it to be real. you really wanted it to be all in your head this time.

the door was open slightly, like they were asking to be caught. you saw it. he was smiling at her. she was on his lap. it wasn’t you. then they kissed. just like he did with you.

you couldn’t bear it.

the tears were falling faster than you could blink. and suddenly your feet were taking control. your breaths were uneven, your cheeks wet with tears you didn’t think would end.

you ignored the pain in your legs, how pathetic you probably looked. you wanted to keep running. you didn’t want to stop until you left it all behind.

you wanted to erase seonghyeon from your memory, from your life.

you wanted to forget how good of a kisser he was, how his words made you run back each and every single time you told yourself that you wouldn’t.

you didn’t have to ask what you were. that was a stupid question. you knew exactly what you were. just another one of eom seonghyeon’s girls.

and just another stupid girl that chased after something that wasn’t ever there.

another point of ahn keonho.

you knew you’d go back to him. you did. seonghyeon worked like that. and you felt so stupid for crying. why waste your tears on him of all people? all it took was one text and you’d be back in his dorm, kissing him till he was all you could think about.

he wasn’t the one you had to change. it was you. you knew that a long time ago. it was easier to ignore it than let it be known.

you were alone. you needed to escape now. just forget about him for the time being.

and maybe break this cycle for once.

THE WATER SLOSHED GENTLY AS YOU MOVED YOUR LEGS, cold on your skin. you’d get used to it. it gets warm just after a little while, right after you forget how the pain felt again. you felt the dry stains of your tears on your cheeks. the pitiful girl you were an hour earlier.

you were just numb. and you also didn’t really know what to think about either. you were praying the swim team didn’t have any practice that day. you just needed to be alone without hearing their annoyingly deep voices they forced. without hearing anything but the water.

keonho crossed your mind for some reason.

you thought about the night at that party. why did he sit next to you? why did he even talk to you to begin with? did you just happen to look like player bait or something?

maybe you looked like the perfect girl to prey on. seonghyeon beat him to it.

but then again, he came to you on the benches. he talked to you. he asked about you. he knew seonghyeon wasn’t good for you. why would he care?

he didn’t come to kiss you. just that casual flirting that added to the tension between you two. you wondered if he even realised it was there. or maybe you just let every interaction with a guy become romantic.

despite yourself, you were curious about him. he intrigued you. frat boys didn’t intrigue you. if anything they irked you out so badly you’d do anything to rid them of their existence.

their stupid red cups and their stupid voices.

you didn’t even know how keonho became one. he didn’t look like the kind to rock a varsity jersey. but, he proved you wrong. the day of the basketball finals. they were all lined up, taking a photo with another one of the trophies they won for the school.

you found him oddly attractive. not that he was ugly. he was just not your type.

then the party. he looked at you like he would go on forever trying to understand everything about you. a boy had never looked at you that way. you were just used to being some eye candy or something. the temporary feeling of being “seen.”

then he looked at you like he knew you and you felt your heart pounding. crazy for a guy that wasn’t your type.

you didn’t know what ahn keonho was. nor did you know what he was to you. he was just ahn keonho. the guy on the basketball team. the guy that looked hot in a varsity jersey. the boy with the fraternity smile and the curiosity in his eyes.

that was all that he was to you. and maybe you’d only ever have small talks that went beyond the surface level once in a blue moon.

“oh, y/n! fancy seeing you here. waiting for me?” the man of the hour, the familiar grin gracing his lips in the way you’ve known best.

god, just kill me.

of course the one day you needed him to get away from all noise it just had to follow you. maybe you were psychic.

“was hoping you wouldn’t be here.” you answered dryly, watching the ripples in the water.

“i’m actually not supposed to be. well, not necessarily.” he sat next to you, his legs sliding into the water.

“what do you mean?” you looked at him.

“not a practice day.” he was already looking at you, leaning back on his arms.

“so?”

“just wanted to get some laps. and well, found something else to keep me busy.” he had a gentle smirk on his face. he was about to piss you off, you thought.

but you couldn’t deny the softness of it. you didn’t like the fact that you could even tell the difference. maybe he didn’t want to make your head explode for once.

“you saw me here?” you raised an eyebrow, your tone slightly shocked.

“well, possibly. but i came for the laps first. you just gave me more reason to stay.” you didn’t like those words. no, let’s rephrase. you didn’t like how much you liked those words.

“i’ll pretend i have significance in your life.” you didn’t want to. wait, why didn’t i want to? fuck! all you could do was pray he didn’t say otherwise.

“you don’t have to pretend.” of course he said that, he’s ahn keonho!

“how exactly?” did you really want to know? not exactly. did you already know? probably. for some reason you felt that hearing it come from his mouth and not your head would make everything worse.

“well, y/n. since you aren’t exactly einstein, i’ll put it for you simply: i actually care about you.” there it was. the way he looked at you. the subtle change in his glance that made you believe him partly. the way his lips softened to this hint of a smile.

did he realise what he was doing?

“you’ve known me for how long?” you questioned, an excuse for him to not be so… caring?

“hey, i know enough to have the tiniest soft spot for you.” he gestured with his fingers, squinting his eyes. part of you couldn’t wrap your head around him having a soft spot for you. another part also wouldn’t let you be convinced that his hypothetical soft spot for you was the tiniest.

“how flattering.” you didn’t even bother hiding your sarcasm.

“girls would ogle if i said that.” the way he said it made you think it wasn’t something he enjoyed. fair. well, who would enjoy being bombarded with heart eyes in every corner they look?

“should i?” you asked softly.

“i like that you don’t.” you hated the way his smile grew. he never stopped making you feel different in a way that was like no other. it made you feel special for once.

“sure.” back to being dry again.

“you were crying.” his eyes traced the tear stains on your cheeks, his hand twitching at his side as if he wanted to touch them.

“mm.” you hummed softly, your eyes fixed on the glittering water. fuck his curiosity. you didn’t want to do that, not then.

“seonghyeon?” who else was capable of crushing you the way he did?

“saw him kissing a girl in his dorm.” you mumbled. it left this bitter taste in your mouth. you hated it. you hated how much you hurt and how much you missed him. how you just took it all. whatever it was you had.

“fuck. are you okay?” he sat up in an instant, his body so much closer to you than you would’ve liked. except you didn’t seem to have much of a problem with it.

his hand hovered over your shoulder, twitching once more with that urge to touch you again. he gave in this time. you hadn’t felt that comforted by someone’s touch.

“i’ll cry if you ask that.” this was you being honest. and raw. you looked in his eyes with nothing but vulnerability. keonho couldn’t break that. he couldn’t break you.

not the way seonghyeon did.

“i’ll answer it myself.” his other hand boldly yet cautiously reached for your chin, turning your head to face him. the blue pool lights illuminated his face so perfectly, almost like at that party. just… better.

you didn’t want to look away. you didn’t want to pull away either. you liked this, whatever it was. the magnetic pull you felt, quite subtle but something that added to the tension between you two that became harder and harder to ignore.

“thanks.” you whispered softly, your eyes boring into his.

somehow without you realising it, your hand found his. your fingers lacing with his like it was something natural. so natural and so right.

“i’ll leave if you want to take laps.” you murmured, breathy and barely audible, so soft like any noise would ruin that moment.

you didn’t want to leave.

“mm-mm. stay.” and you were hoping he wanted you to stay. he moved closer, slightly. just enough to make your heart race.

“why?” did you really want to know why?

“gonna take laps with you.” not what you were expecting. and the way he said it made you think that it wasn’t exactly up for discussion.

“how?”

“well, not laps.”

“then what?” before you could finish asking, he jumped in the pool, splashing water all over you. you gasped the second the cold droplets hit your skin, your body freezing.

“keonho!” you called out, your shoulders tense.

“what?” he asked innocently, looking up at you with his wet hair and droplets dripping from his face.

“the water is freezing.”

“i can make it warmer.” he said with a smirk.

“please don’t piss in here.” you whined gently.

“not the method i was thinking of.” he moved closer to you, grabbing your hands.

“so?”

“come.” he said, no arguments, no pleading. just a simple “come.” you hated how much you wanted to listen. don’t go in.

“you’re joking.” you wished he was but the both of you knew he wasn’t.

“completely serious.”

“don’t like swimming.” you shook your head.

“i’ll make you love it.” he held your hands close to his wet face.

“don’t wanna mess my clothes up.” another excuse.

“they’ll dry.” then your hands were cupping his cheeks, his on top of them. his hands were surprisingly warm for someone who was in icy water.

“my hair.”

“wet hair would be gorgeous on you.” that got to you. the easiness of it. that undertone. you could feel the sincerity. he truly did believe that. you felt like letting him see just how gorgeous you’d be.

“you just don’t stop, hm?” you raised an eyebrow. no, he didn’t.

“not till i get what i want.” it had an edge of something. possessiveness maybe? certainty. was he sure of getting you right where he wanted you?

“what do you want?”

“to swim with you, so come.” he tugged your hands, bringing you closer to the edge. just one more tug and you’d be inside.

whoops!

he pulled you once more, your body sinking beneath the surface just for a few seconds, bubbles surrounding you.

you could already feel the goosebumps.

“keonho!” you wiped your face, scowling at him.

“hm?” he hummed like he didn’t hear you, grinning like a cheshire cat.

“it’s freezing.”

“told you i can make it warmer.” he murmured, moving closer to you until he was just one breath away.

“how?” it was a test. a mere challenge. what would he do when given the chance?

“like this.” his arms slid around your waist, holding your body against his until your chests touched. now he’d definitely know how fast your heart was beating.

you just hoped he wouldn’t say anything about it.

“don’t think it’s working.” that was lie. you didn’t like how his embrace did indeed make you feel so much warmer.

“it can make other things warm too.” he squeezed your sides gently, a feeling you didn’t realise you needed until now.

“like what?” your arms wrapped around his neck daringly, your head tilting to the side almost as if it would make you see him better.

“hearts.” he just had to say that.

“cheesy.”

“always.” he smiled once more, swaying with you gently.

you stayed quiet for a bit. just allowing yourself to be free with him. no tension, no stiffness. just letting go for a bit. and for the first time, you felt so at ease. whole. you felt so whole.

you hadn’t felt whole like that with a guy. not that you could ever recall or remember. you didn’t want to imagine another time you ever felt this way. you liked that it was your first with him because keonho was different.

in this moment you couldn’t tell yourself that he had any frat boy bone in him. it was a different keonho.

one you didn’t really know of. just one that was sweeter than you had thought. gentle. surprisingly good at taking your mind off things.

weirdly cheesy for a “player.”

your hair clung to your face like it didn’t plan on letting go any time soon, your clothes seemingly doing the same thing. whatever remains of your heartbreak prior had washed away, your body soaked with another feeling.

you looked up at him again. he was already staring. your eyes darted away, avoiding his gaze. he didn’t say anything, just left out a soft huff that sounded similar to a chuckle. then your head was on his chest before you could even think about anything else. he did that. he wanted it. you did too.

you didn’t even need to question it. not with the way his racing heart’s rhythm matched your own. the way it slowed as you sank deeper into his arms.

you didn’t understand why you liked this. why it felt so out of this world. so unreal. it wasn’t anything like you’d ever experienced. nothing like what seonghyeon could ever bring to the table. but you didn’t want it to be what you were thinking.

not while you were crying over someone else.

but, when your hands laid on his chest along with your head and you sniffed out the faint scent of his cologne that hadn’t yet washed away, you felt it.

somewhere in your heart, keonho was there. against your will. without warning. keonho was waiting there. he was waiting in line. you just had to give him the keys to the lock.

“thank you.” you whispered, not looking at him. just focused on the water’s surface and sloshes and how he held you there. not trapped or loose. just secure enough for you to forget about your worries for a moment.

“for what?” his fingers were threading through your wet strands. he knew exactly what you would say. you just happened to know that he took pleasure in hearing you tell him what he wanted to hear.

“helping me forget about him. first time i’ve felt whole in a while.”

“don’t say thank you. it’s my specialty.” he said, a hint of cockiness in his tone. of course he’d do that. he was ahn keonho. he needed to toot his horn every once in a while. you just assumed it was an instinct.

“so i’m not the first to receive these services?” you lifted your head up, scrutinizing him. you wanted to feel special, just for a second. just one. in a way that seonghyeon wouldn’t let you. you wanted to know what it’d be like.

“oh no, of course you are.” it was the way he said it. like there was just no possible way that he could have ever made anyone feel this way, that anyone else could take the place you didn’t realise you had in his life until now.

“of course?” you couldn’t hide the shock in your tone, your eyebrow raising.

“of course.” he insisted, his eyes never leaving your own. he had this habit of insisting on things. especially with you. he insisted on a lot of things. one of the reasons why you couldn’t bring yourself to see him as a liar.

a lot of the things he insisted on were true.

you just trusted him enough.

and you didn’t like how easy it felt to trust his word. for him to be so convincing just by repeating the same words a third time.

“so i do have significance in your life?” it was more of a question than a statement, a hint of hope creeping in. you didn’t want to sound like someone craving validation but you were already desperate for it the second you let seonghyeon into your life.

the both of you knew you wanted and needed it.

“yeah.” he assured, almost like he knew exactly what you were thinking. it made you feel sure. you didn’t know why you had doubts anyway. maybe you were finally starting to figure out your feelings for once.

“don’t have to pretend with you?” you tilted your head.

“not like how you do with him. just be… you.” he knew it. he knew it was all a cover up. a facade. he knew you so well and it had only been weeks. weeks. it intrigued you. but it also made you feel seen.

everything you wished seonghyeon would show you, he did. everything you need seonghyeon to give you, he did. keonho did it all without being begged or being guilted into it.

he did it all willingly. he wanted you in his arms just for a little while and he just wanted to see that pain fade away. even if it was just temporary. that was what he wanted.

that was all you needed to realise that maybe he was worth it. maybe ahn keonho was worth falling for.

“fine.”

you laid your head back on his chest and watched the stars dust the sky. you had to get home soon. you didn’t really care. he’d probably walk you home without discussion. you wanted that anyway.

you just wanted to enjoy whatever that was. just feeling close to being loved. maybe you’d forget this feeling in the morning or maybe it’d cloud your dreams. maybe you wouldn’t be able to sleep at night cause you were debating whether or not you made the smart decision to have feelings for two people at once.

most likely all of the above if you’re lucky enough to forget how it felt the next day.

you surely were going to be unlucky. very unlucky.

THE POOL INCIDENT BROUGHT YOU CLOSER THAN YOU HAD THOUGHT. more like than keonho had thought for the most part. keonho wasn’t used to the concept of actually being close to a girl. it was usually just desperate attention seekers who thought that being with him was like getting a million bucks.

keonho couldn’t ever bring himself to understand how anyone could ever want to be next to him so badly. he didn’t think he was worth all the heart eyes and the giggles. they never lasted long anyway. a lot of his relationships, if you can even call them that, simply centered around being the news of the week which would die down eventually and find its place in something we call history.

he didn’t care. keonho didn’t care about a lot of things actually. it never bothered him. he just felt like it was stupid and a tiny little boost to his ego. but you were the first girl he truly looked at. actually had conversations with. felt genuinely concerned for. cared for. you were all of those firsts.

keonho wasn’t one for change but for you, he felt himself doing just that. he stopped kissing girls by the locker rooms before practice. he also stopped giving his jacket to every other girl that stared at it a second longer.

he just let his old habits die. unconsciously. he felt the difference one day. the day he caught you going back to your old ways.

it was a friday, five in the evening. he had just finished practice. he wanted to see you. he felt that want growing each and every day. faster than he would’ve liked. and he started to realise that tension and what it was doing to him. how it was altering his mind in a way that kept him up at night thinking about you.

he went to your usual spot, the small bench behind some of the classrooms close to the pool with this huge tree you named fern. why did you name it fern? cause you were too lazy to think of an actual name. why did you name it to begin with? because you were bored. you told him fern was one of the only “friends” you could vent to. first it was only. then keonho came around and that changed.

more change.

he was looking forward to seeing you, most likely sketching a small doodle in your book with headphones plugged in, seemingly unaware of whatever was going on around you.

but then he heard that voice. the same voice that was going to crush your heart with no mercy. seonghyeon. then he heard you. one peak and he saw you both kissing. full on make out.

keonho wasn’t supposed to feel anything. that wasn’t a part of the script. but he did. as much he didn’t want to or even told himself not to, he did anyway. and it stung. the only thing that ever stings are his scrapes on the rough concrete of the pool walls. not stupid feelings.

yet he still felt hurt. for the first time ever. because of a girl. another first for ahn keonho. and somehow, another win for you, y/n l/n.

he was gone before you could even blink, that anger or disappointment—whatever it was—sending him into overdrive.

maybe this is what you felt like, seeing seonghyeon and that girl. that’s the pain you felt, just a hundred times worse. worse enough to have you making out with him when you should have been moving on from him. with keonho instead. selfish, he knew that. you weren’t even his. but for some reason, in that moment when his feelings seemed to be controlling his body, that’s what he felt he needed.

KEONHO WAS AVOIDING YOU. it was final. something that you didn’t even have to question. since the afternoon you decided to make the extremely idiotic decision to make out with the one guy that was out to make your life hell, he hadn’t been talking to you.

you didn’t know why exactly.

you just felt it shift somewhere in the air. shorter replies, physical distance between you two. his eyes always locked on something else that wasn’t your face. and when you felt him look for just a second, it was gone. he’d always stay.

something was wrong.

you don’t know why you thought that seonghyeon was actually being sensible for once. when he texted you to come to your usual spot. you hated how you thought you were special for him remembering, but anyone that knew you briefly or just saw you around often would know that the huge tree graced with pink blossoms was your second home.

then came the apology. you heard that a couple times from him. the logical part of your brain would deny him more and more as the occurrences continued. that ticked him off and you knew it. but when you thought you had finally won, finally stopped yourself from falling for him. finally broke the cycle. he would hold you in his arms and stare at you like you were the only thing that mattered.

you knew he’d done the same with other girls, but for some reason that need to feel special and validated overpowered all kinds of logic.

then you were making out with him again and you knew you’d be crawling back.

that’s how it always goes. and you hated it. more than you loved it. god, you fucking hated it so much.

but it felt weird the last time. it felt wrong. it always felt wrong. but it felt like you were committing a crime you’d get big jail time for.

you pulled away from him before it could even start. seonghyeon didn’t say anything. he just looked at you. not like you were his or like the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen. but like something that had no purpose. something he didn’t need anymore.

for the first time it didn’t hurt. you didn’t care. because keonho was clouding your judgment. your thoughts. and your heart too. and you needed him at that moment.

you ran. as far away as you could. like you didn’t want seonghyeon to find you again. you wanted to go somewhere where only keonho would find you. only keonho could make you happy. only he could have your heart.

you had feelings. you actually had feelings. you didn’t want them to be the kind of feelings you harboured for seonghyeon. the kind that were just there in your heart to prove a point to your head. the kind that you just needed to keep there to feel sane. normal.

these feelings didn’t feel that way.

they felt oddly real. you didn’t know if it was right to hate or love them. you didn’t know what to do with them. maybe it was just better to stick to seonghyeon.

he was easier to deal with. your feelings for him were easier to deal with. you knew what to expect each time and you knew what to tell yourself to feel each time. and what to do. it was a routine.

keonho was unpredictable. different. his feelings weren’t something you knew or were sure of. he just did things that made you question if you were truly sane. you liked it. but you couldn’t love it.

just tell yourself you love hyeon, y/n. it’s easier that way.

maybe keonho saw you guys kissing. maybe. you hoped he didn’t. you prayed that it was just because seonghyeon bragged about it like an asshole. not because keonho actually saw.

on the days when you and keonho didn’t talk, you thought back on that day. on that kiss with seonghyeon. you didn’t really like it. then you remembered that keonho was right about you.

and you’d go back to wishing that was keonho in his place.

why? because somehow you were actually feeling something for someone.

and it was ahn keonho of all people on this planet.

KEONHO FELT LIKE A SEONGHYEON CLONE. okay, maybe not a clone. maybe like a project. okay that’s definitely the wrong word for it. hmm, what was i like, huh? a carbon copy of hyeon then. yeah, a carbon copy of hyeon.

since keonho saw that ungodly sight—he was being dramatic—he chose to ignore you. he’d talk to you sometimes, just to see your face again and hear your voice without forgetting it but it didn’t erase the feelings he had.

keonho liked you. that had probably been established the day he saw you at that house party. he did. but he was feeling so much more than that that he couldn’t even explain it. he’d find himself on google sometimes, researching about his feelings like he was trying to diagnose himself with something. love.

he didn’t like what his search history had become. he was even on reddit. reddit!

why can’t i stop thinking about her?

what to do when you miss a girl a lot?

how to tell if you’re in love with someone?

do i love her?

yeah, he was gone.

keonho wasn’t a love person. he didn’t do those things. maybe he’d say it sometimes to girls that wouldn’t leave him alone but that didn’t mean he meant it. the words felt empty when he said them. so incredibly empty. they felt meaningless.

and sometimes he wondered if he could ever say those words and feel something. he prayed that day would come. he didn’t know why at first.

but as he lay awake every night, thinking of your face and your voice. your hair. your smile. the aching desire to feel your touch just once more. that day at the pool.

he realised that he wanted to feel it for you.

but that was impossible. seonghyeon was there. and keonho was probably just some coping mechanism to you. you never really showed him any signs of reciprocation. not even the tiniest hint of feelings. he was just someone that would try to snap you out of your stupidity with some eye contact and advice with a hint of flirt from time to time.

so what did he do?

he dated girls. a bunch of them. just to fill in that place where you laid. that large part of his heart he didn’t even know was there.

at first he was extremely reluctant, he was probably always going to be. but his feelings were getting so much stronger than he could control. and each and every single time you came to him to talk just for a little while, he got so much closer to the edge of risking it all that he just had to push you away for his sake and your own.

he needed some kind of distraction. because if he had nothing but a pool and a basketball and his stupid friends, that growing want for you was soon going to fuck him up. and you. and possibly mess with the balance of the universe.

those relationships didn’t really last long. his record was four weeks. it was all the same recycled bullshit over and over again. it made him wonder if he was aromantic or if those girls were just full of shit. then he thought of you and realised that they were just shit.

the same “i love you” texts after everything. the concern that came when he decided the break up was nearing. the begging to wear his varsity jacket at his games and the “cute” stories on instagram.

being with those girls in public felt like a humiliation ritual. he hated it so much. so fucking much. each time he kissed their cheeks and held their hands, he wished it was you. every single time he gave them a back hug in front of their friends to “seal the deal” it just made it worse.

and there was a time he saw you. he was holding another girl’s hand while she had her head on his shoulder. she was rambling about something he couldn’t be bothered to care about. he’d just listen enough to know when to hum and be “happy” for her.

you were alone this time. you looked a little different. no cherry red lip gloss. just a soft pink one. no bangs framing your face, just some waves that bounced perfectly with each step. your outfits barely changed but it was enough for him to tell the difference.

you looked so unlike yourself. so soft, gentle. like you were trying hard to be something you were not. you’d only ever do that if there was some part of your life you were trying to leave behind. he knew you well enough to know that was the reason. the only reason.

you looked at him for a second, then at her. and he saw something flicker in your eyes quickly. hurt. yeah, that’s what it looked like. it faded quickly but he didn’t stop looking. then you looked back at him again. longing. you looked like someone who desperately missed a person that was right in front of them.

you stared a little longer that time. almost like you wanted him to realise it. like you wanted him to run to you and pull him in his arms while you told him all the secrets you locked away. and he almost did.

he let go of his girlfriend’s hand and almost sprang up.

but you turned away, walked faster like staying there would have made you do something you would’ve regretted. or maybe you just thought keonho would regret it.

but keonho wanted you. he needed you like air. and he hated what he became because of his feelings. this stupid “player” trying to rid himself of the love he felt for a girl trapped in an endless cycle of pain.

he was hurting you and hurting himself. that was worse than losing any swim comp. worse than missing a game-winning shot.

he was losing himself for you. he was watching you lose yourself for a guy that didn’t care. and he needed to get you back.

he was gone.

but he didn’t want you to be a gone girl.

not before he got his seat at the table.

SEONGHYEON THIS, SEONGHYEON THAT. why was he still in your life? you’d ask yourself that every single day but when you thought you had the answer to it, you didn’t. he was just there. something to fill the void and something to get your mind off keonho. well, he was originally supposed to fill the void. then you actually grew to feel something for him. attachment. then keonho rolled around, showing you what it’s actually like to be loved and you haven’t stopped thinking about him since. haven’t stopped wondering what his girlfriends were bringing to the table.

wondering if he’d ever ask you to be his. you’d just tell yourself if he really wanted to, he would have done that a long time ago even with seonghyeon being there. would you have dropped to your knees crawling to him or seonghyeon? you didn’t know. not at first. but as time went on, you realised you would have indeed ran to keonho if you got the chance. too late, maybe.

you still had those feelings for seonghyeon. the ones that made you feel like you couldn’t live without him. the same very ones that also made you feel like he was a good person with a good heart he didn’t know how to use yet. you wanted to be the test subject. the first experiment. first and last.

but as time went by, you started questioning if there was really a future with him. if seonghyeon was ever worth your time. if there was even a point in him still being in your life when keonho existed. but you’d kiss him and even when part of you didn’t like it like you used to, you felt that attachment. that part of you that couldn’t let go of seonghyeon even when you tried.

you weren’t trying hard enough.

“hyeon.” you asked softly, twisting the hem of his shirt between your fingers.

“yeah, baby?” he didn’t look at you, just stilled his hand where it was on your waist. you didn’t like how he called you baby. with this faux sweetness which seemed to be a feeble attempt at ending the conversation before it could even start.

he knew what you were going to ask. what are we? or some bullshit like that.

“i can’t do this anymore.” not what he was expecting, worse actually.

“you saw us, didn’t you. it didn’t mean anything.” his grip on your waist tightened by a fraction, the words tinged with this edge you didn’t like. that look on his face.

he was gaslighting you. well, he was about to.

“you say that all the time.” you let go of his shirt, pulling away from him. but he didn’t let you move, tugging you back to him.

“cause it’s true.” he muttered, his eyes narrowing. you hated it so much, his touch. something you used to crave now disgusted you. it made your skin crawl.

“then why are you always with another girl?” you got up off his lap by luck, his hands falling at his sides. he didn’t say anything for a moment, just stared at you like you were the bad guy.

“because i need space. you’re clingy and you get all sentimental and emotional about everything.” emotional? all you wanted was to be loved and that seemed to be a character flaw in seonghyeon’s book.

“it’s called having feelings.”

“i told you no strings attached.” he looked up at you, knowingly. he was right. for the first time, you couldn’t argue with that. you let him walk into your life knowing fully well what it would do to you.

“so i was just some game to you? you feel nothing for me?” but, it still hurt. your eyes burned with the realisation, your eyes fluttering to keep it together. you weren’t going to cry in front of eom seonghyeon and give him the satisfaction of successfully breaking you he wanted.

“yeah, you were, what else was it supposed to be?” he raised his eyebrows like he couldn’t think of what else you could’ve possibly been.

“real, maybe?” you hated how your voice cracked, how the realisation was settling in faster than you would’ve liked. you were simply just a placeholder. something he’d run to when no one else was around.

and he didn’t care about you. he just told you what you wanted to hear because facing the reality of the situation was far more complicated than feeding into your fantasies.

“big things you’re asking for.”

“wanting basic love and affection are big things?”

“expecting it from me is. you know how i am. don’t make me feel bad for you chasing something that was never there.” that was your breaking point. the tears balanced on your waterline, your eyes fluttering in an instant once more like an instinct. it was.

“you’re unbelievable.” you choked out, running a frustrated hand through your hair. you weren’t mad at him, not anymore, you were mad at yourself for staying. for settling for less. for letting him walk over you and have his way with you.

“no, you’re just pathetic. go beg for validation and some cuddles from someone else.” he shrugged, his words humiliating.

“you were stringing me along.” you whispered, a broken whimper. you couldn’t hide the betrayal that you felt, the sadness.

you wasted so much time wishing for something you’d never get. he was never going to give you what you wanted and that was final. you realised that a long time ago. but it made it easier to pretend that it wasn’t true because that meant you had a reason to let yourself stay. to hope. to let him kiss you over and over.

“only told you what you wanted to hear, baby. you stayed on your own.” he shook his head, lifting a finger.

“you’re an asshole.” you tried to sound angry, tried to sound strong. but it came out small. weak. that’s what he made you. fragile. god, eom seonghyeon was the last person you had ever wanted to see you like this.

“tell me something i don’t know.” he crossed his arms over his chest nonchalantly, seemingly unbothered by you.

“it’s over. we’re done.” you grabbed your things in a rush, blinking away some more tears, hurrying out the room.

“mm.” he hummed casually, watching you leave with this sarcastic smirk plastered across his face.

the second you were out of that classroom, it all came crashing in. the tears streamed down your face with no end nearby, your vision blurred. your chest heaved with short gasps and broken sobs, your body slumping against a locker.

in that moment, you were thinking of keonho. of his many warnings, of his touch. the way your heart skipped a beat at least once whenever he was around. how he treated you like no other. keonho would’ve held you in his arms and told you it would be okay if he was with you.

you thought of your feelings. who your heart was truly beating for. it wasn’t seonghyeon. it probably never was seonghyeon. it was keonho. he made you feel like you were living in another world. with his dumb jokes and his oddly perfect ways of bringing you comfort.

you couldn’t think of anything else. just about how pathetic you were and how much you were yearning for that stupid frat boy.

i need you, keonho.

IT WAS A FRIDAY SO YOU COULD BE ALONE AT THE POOL. no noise or boys. just you. though you wished keonho was there. usually he would’ve been in the pool by now but there seemed to be no sign of him whatsoever. maybe he was still avoiding you.

you somehow managed to drag yourself over to the pool even after sobbing out every bit of energy within you. you just felt drained. numb. your nose was probably red, along with your eyes. you weren’t exactly the prettiest crier.

you heard some bubbles and kicks in the water that were not far away from you. someone was swimming. you didn’t realise that you weren’t alone. it then suddenly dawned upon you that keonho probably wasn’t the only person that swam in this pool after hours. how embarrassing would it be if a random found you disturbing their peace with your tears? extremely.

“y/n?” to think you thought ahn keonho was not the only one swimming in this pool on friday evenings. nope, you were wrong. only keonho would do this stuff expecting you to be there with him.

he immediately pushed himself out of the water, sitting beside you. you didn’t really want him to see just how incredibly wrecked you were but the second you lowered your head, his fingers were already grabbing your chin.

“look at me.” the single command was enough to make your knees go weak. even though you felt reluctant, you looked at him anyway. you hadn’t been this close to him in weeks.

not since he filled out his schedules with a new girlfriend every week. it’s like he was trying to keep you away from him. yet the way he came to your side with so much urgency made you think that he was waiting for a moment to be with you.

“it’s over.” you whimpered, feeling the tears rushing back again. his features softened in an instant, his grip loosening.

“oh, y/n.” even though he was soaked, he lifted you up onto his lap, burying your face into his chest. this was all that you needed. and somehow it made the tears fall even quicker. you didn’t even know if you were crying over seonghyeon anymore or if it was just your emotions.

you didn’t really care.

“it’s okay. it’ll be okay, i’m right here. i’m not going anywhere.” he shushed you gently, his arms slung around your body, one hand stroking your hair while the other held you close to him. you held onto him like a lifeline, your body shaking with each sob.

at first you weren’t particularly fond of how good he was at making you feel better but then you were convinced you wouldn’t be able to live without him. his reassuring words, his touch that made you feel like you were being shielded from the world.

“i won’t let anyone hurt you. not seonghyeon or anyone else. not again.” the certainty of his words, the protectiveness. no one ever said those things to you. no one ever made you feel like they could be your safe space. your sanctuary. but he did and that made every second you spent with him worth it all.

“i don’t deserve you.”

“no, you deserve it all, y/n. don’t ever doubt that.” you found yourself being unable to defy him. his clarity. you thought he knew what you deserved better than you did. he probably did. and it was probably better to keep it that way.

you didn’t say any more. just waited for the cries to subside. for the pain to fade slowly. and you just let him hold you.

because ahn keonho knew how to make you forget the pain.

KEONHO KNEW HOW TO PUT UP A STRONG FRONT. how to mask his feelings without anyone truly knowing how he felt. maybe that’s why he was able to be a frat boy. frat boys didn’t need to show their feelings. he didn’t like to be read like an open book because that meant he was exposed. he hated being exposed. it was weird. it freaked him out. so when you came to the pool, bawling your eyes out because of his dick friend, he had to do just that.

keonho watched seonghyeon hurt girls for a while. he stopped telling him to fix his ways because he wasn’t ever going to listen. he knew it was wrong. he knew it was fucked up. but when he watched the effects of his actions on you, it made his blood boil. it flicked a switch within him.

he made girls feel this way. it wasn’t just you. it was all the girls that thought seonghyeon was capable of love. the girls with hopes higher than the clouds and a fragile heart. the girls he made lose their smile and their hope for love. he did that all and he’d do it again a million times. it was just different seeing it for himself.

and all of a sudden he felt this primal urge to give seonghyeon a piece of his mind.

“what you did to y/n wasn’t cool, you know?” keonho said, low and deliberate. seonghyeon didn’t once look up from his phone, a small smirk on his lips.

“she came crying to you about it?” he asked in a way that sounded mocking, chuckling.

“does it matter?” keonho narrowed his eyes at seonghyeon’s laughter, an edge to his tone.

“still pathetic as ever.” he shook his head, scoffing under his breath.

“don’t talk about her like that.” keonho’s voice raised slightly, his fists starting to clench.

“since when did you care about her?” seonghyeon looked up when he heard the anger in keonho’s voice he was trying to conceal, raising his eyebrows.

“that doesn’t matter.”

“well, she wasn’t that interesting anyway. she was so clingy and just followed me around like a lost puppy.” he shrugged, focusing his eyes back down on his phone but keonho grabbed it swiftly, causing him to narrow his eyes slightly as well.

“she cares about you.” keonho’s tone softened at the mention of you, his fists unclenching at the slightest.

“like an idiot. she was nothing to me. i just kept her there cause she’d always come back.” his face scrunched up slightly, his lack of empathy very evident. keonho hated the way seonghyeon spoke about you. like you were something to discard, something he’d kept close for safety.

“you’re an ass, dude.” keonho’s thick eyebrows knitted together tightly, that edge quickly finding its way back to his voice—sharper. he didn’t want to show just how pissed off he was but seonghyeon made that harder than it needed to be.

“i know what i am. and she must know how weak and gullible she is too.” he smirked once more, his voice laced with sarcasm. keonho’s hands balled into tight fists again, digging them into the bench to hold himself back.

“don’t talk about her that way, seonghyeon.” he warned, cold and protective, his eyes piercing into seonghyeon’s.

“or what? gonna fight me over it? over a loser you wouldn’t have pitied if you weren’t sober that night?” he jeered, a jab that left keonho silent for a few seconds. it was true, if keonho was absolutely wasted that night the outcome would’ve been completely different.

but he was glad he saw you. more than that. it was just a what if. keonho saw you and he felt something he didn’t before. some stupid hypothetical wasn’t going to make him feel ashamed.

“she’s more than that to me.” he retorted, his voice slightly losing its edge, the intensity of his feelings still dark in his eyes. it was getting harder and harder to not wipe that smirk off his face with a dirty blow.

“right because she was just your company. just someone to flirt with. so much more, hm?” he sneered smugly, letting out a yelp when keonho yanked on his collar tight enough to rip his shirt.

“i said don’t talk about her like that.” he warned once more through gritted teeth, his face a breath away from seonghyeon’s, his voice rough and icy.

“oo, feisty.” he snickered, taking everything keonho gave him like keonho was the villain.

then.

“keonho! what are you doing?” your eyes widened in disbelief at the sight of his fist swinging forward right toward seonghyeon’s face.

they both turned to you, keonho’s face instantly softening to something guilty while seonghyeon’s smirk only grew wider. the two guys that had a place in your heart, right in front of you, about to tear each other’s faces apart.

it was something about the way keonho looked at you, how he suddenly stumbled back when seonghyeon pushed harshly like he wasn’t in control anymore. his jaw wasn’t taut, his fists weren’t balled up tight enough to show his veins. his eyes lost that darkness.

he was sort of bare. vulnerable maybe.

you hadn’t ever seen keonho that angry. you knew he hated how much seonghyeon treated you like shit but you didn’t think he’d go to war for you. or even beat him up for it. it pulled on some of your heartstrings.

seonghyeon just stared at you like how he did that day. you didn’t even want to look at him, you couldn’t bear to. no matter what feelings you still had inside, you just couldn’t. not when he’d let keonho bust up his face to be the victim of something he started. to be someone you would pity. that’s what he wanted.

you understood it now. and it made you sick to your stomach.

but at that moment, you were mad at him. mad at keonho for getting into a fight that didn’t need to happen. he could’ve gotten kicked off the swim and basketball team. suspended. for you. you didn’t want to be that for him. someone he’d get into trouble for. especially if you weren’t really anything but friends.

what if he got hurt badly? what if they both hurt badly? you didn’t want to be the cause of that. not over your stupidity or the empathy you wished you didn’t carry.

“y/n, it’s no-” keonho shook his head, pleading softly but was cut off by the lack of expression on your face. you grabbed his wrist, dragging him away until you were far enough to not see seonghyeon again.

you let go, your arms crossed over your chest.

“why?” you interrogated, your jaw clenched.

“he said shitty things about you.” he murmured.

“he says shitty things all the time.”

“i couldn’t just sit by and let him say them.” he raised his voice, defensive. you went silent, avoiding his gaze.

“why? why couldn’t you just leave it?” you finally asked, more desperate. accusatory. you were upset with him. upset with how he chose to lose his temper and sense of control for you.

“what’s up with you, y/n? he’s full of shit.” he fumed in frustration, his eyebrows furrowing tightly.

“and i know that. you were going to bear the consequences of my actions.”

“i’d do it a million times for you.” his face softened to something blank. with the softest hint of something you hoped for yourself. love. you could deny it, lie through your teeth but it was there. you just didn’t know why.

the way he said it. like you meant everything to him. that was what you needed all this time. you only came to that realisation when you felt his words disarm you. you never let anything disarm you.

“keonho, don’t say that-”

“i mean it. he doesn’t deserve you. this world doesn’t.” he shook his head, firm. yet it still sounded so gentle.

“i-”

“no, let me finish. let me be honest with you.”

“why?” you asked again, faint this time.

“because i have feelings for you, y/n. for the first time i can actually look at a girl and say my heart beats for her. i’m glad it’s you. i just, i didn’t want those girls, i only wanted you,” he whispered, taking a step closer to you. then he paused.

“i only dated them because i couldn’t watch you go off with him. it was supposed to be me. i wanted you to need me. i needed that. and i’ve been needing you for weeks. more than i think i should. and i just can’t let you go through that. not when i’m right here willing to show you how to be loved.” he stopped until he was right in front of you, his hands sliding up your face slowly. you grew to love his touch. the warmth of it, how he held you like something precious he didn’t want to break.

he confessed. the worries, the hypotheticals in your head, the confusion. it was all soothed. you questioned his feelings for you many times, the times he held you in that pool like nothing else mattered. how he was just always there. it was undeniable. he did feel for you.

and it scared you.

“i-keonho.” you stammered, giving into his touch.

“i don’t want you to say anything, y/n. don’t. it’d make it hurt less. i just wanted you to realise that i’m here. i have been and i always will be even if there’s no one else to run to.” he caressed your cheeks, his forehead slowly pressing against your own. you closed your eyes, not saying anymore.

then your lips found his own, soft and warm, a hand grabbing your waist gently as your fingers tangled up in his hair.

you had kissed seonghyeon like this multiple times but this was different. you felt whole. you felt like staying in this moment forever. you didn’t want to let go. not with keonho. not with him. he made you feel brand new. free.

and in that moment you truly realised just how much you wanted him. and just how much you feared for your life at the thought of even doing this a second time.

you pulled away, your hands stopping on his chest. you didn’t look at him because if you did the tears wouldn’t have stopped.

“i can’t.” your voice trembled slightly, your head shaking. you could. you were just scared to lose him.

“what?” he asked softly, lifting your chin up gently.

“i can’t do this.” you didn’t look in his eyes, you couldn’t. not when you could feel the burning of hot tears at the corners of your eyes.

“why?” he asked once more, louder. sharp. frustrated. he was hurt. this was him being vulnerable. he was never vulnerable. that made it hurt more.

“i just… can’t.” you said weakly, a poor excuse. you weren’t convinced by your own words, looking down in shame.

“you can, y/n. we both know it. you can be free with me. you can let me love you.” he held both of your cheeks in his hands, forcing you to look at him again. his eyes were glossy and he sounded so hopeful. god, why did he have to be so good to you?

“i can’t, keonho. not with my feelings.” you whimpered, your lip quivering as you tried to fight off the tears. but they fell anyway.

“just want me too. you kissed me. you wanted this. just stay.” he wiped your tears away, blinking back his own with a sniffle, pleading. this was him raw. exposed. no filter, no hiding. this was keonho, truly.

this was him when he needed someone. when he didn’t want to put up a strong front because that meant putting his feelings aside and he couldn’t do that. not when he wanted you.

“i can’t do that to you, keonho.” you shook your head again, your thumb brushing under his bottom lid where the tears threatened to fall. leaving him would hurt him more than you staying and making mistakes with him and you both knew that well. that’s what made it worse.

“don’t leave me, please.” he begged, his voice cracking. the hurt. the tears. the way his heart was slowly breaking for you.

his nose and eyes were cherry red, his hands wobbling as they clung to you tight. you pulled them away, taking them in yours. he instantly laced his fingers with yours, loose like he was giving you space to decide. but you both knew what the choice would be.

“i’m sorry.” you let go slowly, wiping a tear with the sleeve of your shirt before turning around slowly. he didn’t stop you. didn’t say anything more. he said enough, he knew that. and he knew that the choice was yours. that at the end of the day, he couldn’t force you to come back. it was something you had to do on your own.

but you wanted him to pull you back in his arms. kiss you until you said yes. tell him all the thoughts you had about him. how you missed him even when he was right in front of you. you felt selfish. you needed him to need you too. the difference was you weren’t going to show it as much as he did. because something you’ve learnt to do is to not give yourself to people fully.

that protected you.

but, keonho would protect if he had to with no hesitation.

and that’s probably what made walking away from him the hardest thing you’d ever done.

YOU HADN’T TALKED TO KEONHO SINCE THAT KISS. since the day you decided you’d walk away. and you couldn’t remember the last time you’d actually spent time with ian. she was your best friend. but she was another person you selfishly pushed away. and she knew you weren’t okay.

“y/n, talk to me. you haven’t done that in weeks.” she asked, a gentle but firm pry. you didn’t want to tell ian you had an extremely toxic situationship that you had finally put to an end and had fallen for said situationship’s friend. not to mention making out with him right before breaking his heart.

“i’m fine.” you mumbled, staring at your sandwich. so you chose to lie and say that you were okay because that was somehow easier than acknowledging the dilemma you had.

“we both know you aren’t.” she said—final, like she knew you better than yourself. which was true.

“i am.” you repeated, almost like saying it a second time would convince her a bit more but if anything it gave her another reason to believe otherwise. you wouldn’t believe yourself either.

“would you believe me if i said i saw you and keonho making out the other day?” she asked randomly, your eyes widening with shock. your best friend whom you had been avoiding for weeks caught you making out with keonho. you didn’t like how the embarrassment churned in your stomach.

“you saw that?” you stammered, your heart pounding in your throat.

“well, i ran away as soon as you stopped. wouldn’t want to get caught gathering intel.” she smiled, patting your shoulder. you let out a soft sigh of relief. at least she didn’t see you sobbing like a loser. you hoped she didn’t.

“intel?” you raised an eyebrow.

“of course, i’ve been watching you and that bum like a hawk. keonho is much better. i hope you know that.” she narrowed her eyes expectantly.

“um.”

“what is that um for?”

“i…”

“please do not say you went back to that bum.” her her eyes widened with fear.

“no, of course not. i’ve been avoiding him for weeks. as well as keonho.” you shook your head frantically, your eyes widening as well.

“what! i shouldn’t have let you push me away so easily. look at how stupid you are without me.” she gasped, groaning in exasperation. well, harsh. but true.

“i’m sorry, i’m just scared.” you babbled, sipping your soda. well yes, you were indeed shaking with fear but did it really compare to how much you felt for keonho?

“of what? your feelings? stop that, y/n! you can’t keep letting fear cloud your judgment. you’ll keep doing things you’ll regret.” ian let out a deep sigh, rolling her eyes.

“i already have.”

“god, keonho probably misses you like hell.”

“he doesn’t call me but people keep telling me he’s been asking about me.” you murmured. that was true. two of his friends came to you asking questions only keonho would be interested in knowing the answers to.

“maybe because he’s like in love with you.”

“he didn’t say that himself.” you said quickly. of course, using that as an excuse gave you more reason to believe that what you did wasn’t as evil as it actually was.

“oh, but i can see it.” she pointed two fingers to her eyes then to you.

“i’m sorry for pushing you away, ian.” you apologised softly, looking at her through your lashes.

“it was because of that bum, i forgive you. but you’ll only earn my heart again if you get with keonho.” she shrugged, tilting her head at you. of course. her kindness was too good to be true. not that getting with keonho was something you weren’t fond of. if anything, it was all you’d been dreaming of.

“can’t do that.” you shook your head.

“huh? are you dense or something? of course you can. just tell him you love him and he’ll be all yours.” she frowned, looking around in confusion.

“but i hurt him. i’m broken.”

“he’ll put you back together then. he’s already been doing that. you don’t look like your heart is breaking when you’re with him.” she said warmly, taking your hands in hers.

“how do i look then?”

“like a girl who’s fucking in love! get your man! and do not go back to that bum.” she giggled, her voice low and very serious at the last part.

“i’ll think about it.”

“you know what? i should’ve just sat alone in the bathrooms. cannot deal with your bullshit.” she let go of your hands with a scoff, getting up from her seat.

“sorry not sorry.” you stuck your tongue out at her.

“you will be if keonho isn’t yours. there’s a party tomorrow and he’ll probably be there. you are coming, no negotiation.” she told you firmly, leaving zero room for discussion. and you knew that very well. even if you didn’t want to go, ian would be at your door exactly an hour before it started to forcefully give you a great night. well, her idea of a great night.

“fine.” you muttered softly.

“that’s more like it. ciao!” she winked at you, waving as she walked off.

a party. with ahn keonho there. there was absolutely no way you’d escape him. either you’d find him or he’d find you. it was inevitable. and you’re not meant to spend your night worrying about seeing someone at a party.

especially if you had been yearning to see them.

because truth be told, you had missed keonho more than would’ve liked to admit. all you could think about was that kiss, all the times you’ve spent with him. each and every single word he said to you.

it forced you to think about your feelings too, the one thing you hated doing. because thinking about your feelings meant acknowledging them and that meant telling yourself that you were in love with keonho. you had never been in love before. no one had ever come close.

it scared you. just the thought of loving him scared you. you didn’t want to let him down and you didn’t want to disappoint him. you didn’t want him to regret committing himself to you nor did you ever want to be anything less than the girl he wanted.

you were used to not being enough. to not be truly wanted. so when a guy comes into your life and looks at you like you’re the reason the world still spins it’s hard not to feel like you’ll ever be enough.

maybe it'd be worth it. maybe you two would make amends.

maybe you’d truly fall in love.

YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE BEEN AWAKE THIS LATE. nor should you have been this wasted yet here you were, drunk out of your mind regretting everything because drowning yourself in some alcohol made thinking about keonho easier. newsflash! you were far from the truth.

you felt horrible, really horrible. like a monster. every time you found out keonho was asking around about you, every time he looked at you like a starving man. every time you remembered that he wanted you. and every time you remembered that you were the one who walked away when all you wanted was to stay.

and sometimes the pain goes away. sometimes it passes over time and you feel a little bit better about the reality of the situation but knowing that he wanted you didn’t bring you comfort. it only made you feel like more of a burden. he was probably staring up at his ceiling, thinking about you. wondering if he should’ve sent a text or called you to hear your voice just once.

you were projecting.

maybe he despised you for your decision. maybe he let you go that day because he realised he was better off being with a girl who was whole and committed. not someone weak like you.

but keonho was too understanding. too good to you. too good for you. he wouldn’t resent you even if he tried. and the thing is that he wouldn’t even try. wouldn’t think of the idea of hating you.

that made it worse.

so, you drank it all away. the worry, the pain, the hurt, the guilt. it made it all better.

“hello?” a familiar voice came from the other line, sounding slightly rough with sleep.

“is that you, keonho?” you asked softly.

“yeah?”

“miss you.” you mumbled, your words slurred.

“are you drunk?” he questioned with subtle concern. you didn’t really like how he didn’t say it back. maybe he truly was mad at you.

“just tipsy.” you breathed out. you most definitely weren’t just tipsy.

“where are you?”

“home.”

“okay.” he said, trying to hide his relief.

“i’m sorry.” you suddenly apologised, you sat up, holding the phone closer to your ear.

“why?”

“i hurt you. and i miss you and you’re just too good to me.” you sighed, your guilt and hurt shining through.

“i miss you too.” he whispered back like a secret between you two, his tone yearning.

“are you mad at me for it?” you asked after a beat of silence, silently wishing he wasn’t.

“no.” he replied immediately. at least he didn’t hate you.

“why?”

“because you’re calling me.” he responded sleepily, his voice deeper. he was talking to you even though he was on the brink of knocking out.

“drunk calling.” you corrected.

“still calling me.” you could hear the smile in his voice. he was happy. that made your heart flutter.

“i’d be mad at me.” you hummed.

“i’m not, isn’t that what matters?” the way he said it made your heart skip a beat. why did he have to be so unintentionally cheesy? well, was it really unintentional?

“yeah.” you agreed.

“why are you drinking?” he questioned once more.

that was an easy question to answer. you simply felt like a monster. like a complete burden. all you had really ever been in keonho’s life was a wreck. and you wrecked him too. yet somehow he managed to fall for you.

“‘cause i feel like shit.” you answered honestly.

“because of me?”

“‘cause of me.”

“i don’t know if you’ll remember in the morning.” he says with hesitation. you wanted to remember. whatever he wanted to tell you, you wanted to remember it like the back of your hand.

“i’ll try for you.”

“i love you, y/n. more than you could imagine.” you felt your chest bloom with warmth, your cheeks burning even more. except it wasn’t just the alcohol, it was because of ahn keonho who loved you.

“aww. you’re sweet.” you giggled.

“all you’re gonna say?” he couldn’t help but chuckle as well.

“no. i just feel a bit lost. i don’t want you to be hurt ‘cause of that. let me sort out my feelings.” you murmured, a bit serious. you meant it. but you knew your feelings. you just didn’t want to say them while you were drunk.

you were conscious enough to know that that was something you didn’t want to do.

“will you be there at the party tomorrow night?” he changed the subject, the question one you didn’t really want to answer. you wanted to but you didn’t at the same time.

“maybe.”

“come. please.” he pleaded faintly with a hint of desperation. what would happen if you went?

“will consider.”

“okay.”

“sleepy.” you babbled.

“go to bed, baby.” he insisted, the pet name sounding so right off his lips. could he call you that every day? could you be his baby?

“i wanna talk to you.” you whined.

“mm-mm.” he hummed in disagreement.

“fine, good night, keonho.” you gave in reluctantly, only cause it was him.

“dream of me.” he whispered, flirty in a way that made you feel so mushy on the inside.

you probably weren’t going to remember the conversation and you’d truly regret getting drunk in the morning but keonho would remember. and you wouldn’t forget the way your heart beat for him.

“THE PARTY HAS ARRIVED!” ian yelled, practically muted from how loud the music was blasting. you face-palmed, clutching your bag tighter as you made an attempt to escape your friend. but, to your demise, she caught up to you.

“hello, party pooper, don’t leave me!” ian called out to you, stumbling to you due to her newly bought heels she couldn’t quite walk in yet, placing a hand on your shoulder.

“where is your boyfriend?” you inquired, stopping your tracks. ian’s eyes lit up instantly, her index tapping her chin.

“oh, good question. i actually do not know.”

“is he not hosting this thing?” you tilted your head, eyebrows raising.

“yeah but like him and martin always do these insane prank thingys and like you can never find them.” she flicked her hair back, looking around where she hoped she could find him.

“right, please go find someone to dance with.” you nodded, backing away a bit.

“oo, because you’re trying your man. i won’t interrupt then.” ian giggled like a little kid, running off to a group of girls, flinging her hands up and cheering with them. you couldn’t help but smile, one of the only times in a while you actually did that, finding an empty couch with no wasted people or couples.

you watched the party unfold before you, red and purple lights that made it look like a club, a cluster of the classic red plastic cups and huge bottles of alcohol scattered across the counter which some clearly drunk people were standing on. an ungodly mix of colognes, perfumes, sweat and alcohol wafting through the air. just like the night you met keonho. except back then, the old you was a lost cause.

some people were sitting on the stairs, talking to people that appeared to be their significant others, girls sobbing into their phones in corners, a bunch of dudes that looked like the swim team cannonballing into the pool. and the couples either making out or dancing. some people even danced with complete strangers due to how intoxicated they were.

the music was loud, so loud you’d think the neighbours would file a noise complaint but the chaos in your head seemed to be much louder.

your eyes found seonghyeon, arms wrapped around a girl as he swayed with her, a smile on his face. it didn’t really look like that usual sarcastic smirk he gave you. it was different. softer maybe. it made your heart constrict in a way you didn’t like. jealousy maybe? you didn’t want to feel jealous. not when you had your growing feelings for keonho.

you immediately got up and found a full cup on the counter. you didn’t bother trying to identify what exactly was in it. all you knew is that it was probably some booze. you were definitely going to have some regrets the next morning. you didn’t care though.

you downed two cups, the burning at the back of your throat eliciting a cough from you. then you went back to the couch, staring into space because that was better than finding seonghyeon and that girl again. better than trying to find keonho.

your thoughts were in a spiral, keonho was consuming them. you just wanted to find him. as much as you didn’t, you did. you’d sink into his arms and never let go, confess everything you had been keeping inside, close to your heart.

you got up again, going upstairs. maybe he’d be up there alone, thinking. keonho had a habit of doing that. just disappearing to think. you hoped he was up there because you started to feel the effects of the alcohol in your wobbling.

you found a door, a small opening from the door not being shut fully. you saw a silver of light peaking out that brought to the conclusion that someone was inside. you slowly opened it, trying not to make a loud creak. there he was. sitting on whoever’s bed it was, his eyes instantly finding yours.

you froze, not saying anything or doing anything. just watching him. he looked good, so good. you wanted to tell him that. but you didn’t. you simply watched him get up and walk to you until he was barely a breath away. then he wrapped his fingers around your wrist, pulling you with him until you were both sitting on the bed.

your shoulder was brushing his, your knees bumping. none of you spoke, just sat side by side in silence, allowing it to do the talking. then his fingers slowly let go of your wrist, sliding down to lacing his fingers with yours. you didn’t hesitate to do the same, squeezing his hand gently in the process.

“do you remember?” he questioned suddenly, staring at you. you couldn’t help but stare back, right into his eyes, looking up through your lashes.

“last night?” your eyebrows furrowed in thought.

“mm.” he hummed.

“not really.” you shook your head.

“do you remember what i said?”

“no.” you saw a flicker of something in his eyes. disappointment maybe. it was all just a blur. you couldn’t remember no matter how hard you tried.

“i told you i love you. more than you know.” he murmured softly, his thumb drawing circles on the back of your hand. he loved you. he truly did love you. that was all you needed.

“i have a feeling there’s more you want to say.”

“mm. i do. you bring this side out of me that i didn’t know was there. i’ve never felt anything like this for anyone before and it scares me. but i love it so much and i just need you. here. i don’t want you to ever leave me,” his other hand twitched at his side as if he wanted to hold you close but was fighting that urge.

“i love you, y/n. since i saw you at that party with that lip gloss. every single day since then, you’ve been on my mind and in my dreams. i just want you to feel the same.” you smiled—barely—fiddling with his necklace with your free hand. his words, so real, raw. that vulnerability only you knew of. it was just love. love you couldn’t deny. love that mirrored your own.

“i do love you. i just pushed you away cause i was scared of not being enough for you. of not being able to be enough for you. but i love you, keonho. you’re the first boy i’ve ever loved and i wouldn’t mind you being my last.” you watched the way his face softened, how his eyes sort of lit up. his arm snaked around your waist, pulling you close, the other letting go of your hand to hold your cheek. then he kissed you.

it wasn’t anything desperate or eager. just gentle, warm. the kind that made the fireworks go off and your heart pound in your chest. that kind that expressed your love without needing words. “you don’t know how much i’ve wanted you to say that.” he whispered, out of breath and in love. you kissed him again, more passionate than the first, the both of you smiling against each other’s lips until you felt like you were suffocating.

“am i your boyfriend now?” he breathed out.

“yeah.” you smiled harder.

“my girl.” he held you to his chest, running his hands through your hair.

you didn’t know how exactly you could describe the feeling of being in love. it was a lot of things. feelings, words, emotions. like a roller coaster. but, it made you whole. it saved you. keonho saved you. he looked at you for one second and realised that he needed you. he loved you without hesitation or doubts. just love.

and it found you before you were a gone girl.

ahn keonho found you before you were a gone girl.

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