[“There is an awful, pervasive myth out there that people who abuse others do so simply because they are bad people—because they are sadistic, or because they enjoy other people’s pain. This is, I think, part of the reason why so many people who have been abusive in the past or present resist the use of the terms “abuse” or “abuser” to describe their behavior. In fact, very, very, very few people who abuse are motivated to do so by sadism.
In my experience as a therapist and community support worker, when people are abusive, it’s usually because they have a reason based in desperation or suffering. Some reasons for abusive behavior I have heard include: “I am isolated and alone, and the only person who keeps me alive is my partner. This is why I can’t let my partner leave me.” “My partner hurts me all the time. I was just hurting them back.” “I am sick, and if I don’t force people to take care of me, then I will be left to die.” “I am suffering, and the only way to relieve the pain is to hurt myself or others.” “I didn’t know that what I was doing was abuse. People always did the same to me. I was just following the script.” “No one will love me unless I make them.”
All of these are powerful, real reasons for abuse—but they are never excuses. There is no reason good enough to excuse abusive behavior. Reasons help us understand abuse, but they do not excuse it. Accepting this is essential to transforming culpability into accountability and turning justice into healing.”]
Kai Cheng Thom, What to Do When You’ve Been Abusive Annotated Edition, from Beyond Survival: Strategies and Stories From The Transformative Justice Movement
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