Thoughts; Borrowed & My Own

All that just to say that I miss you. I miss us. I know what we were. I know what we’d never be. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t still love you, miss you, adore you. It just means I need to from farther away. It means I’ve got to give you up to have something that’s mine.

I think you are here. A mere 50 miles away. I think about what I’d be going through if we were still involved. I’d be sitting on pins and needles waiting to hear from you. Praying that you’d be able to find time for me. Hoping that the opportunity would arise. Waiting like a puppy for you to have a moment to give me. And even if you did find time, not make it, it would feel rushed and uncertain. I’d be filled with fear that the moment would not come, that it would change at any second, or be cancelled. I would feel strained and awkward after the long time apart. I’d feel restrained because it’s so fragile still, so easily broken. Funny thing is that I’d be the only one feeling that. You were so sure that you had me like that - at your beck and call. that I’d take any opportunity to be with you that I’d accept anything. You’d be tired and give me a couple hours before falling asleep, because you knew I’d be there when you woke. I on the other hand would lie awake trying to memorize every moment because I didn’t know when or if it would ever happen again. It was so uneven, so unfair and I was too in love to see it. I wanted any part of you, any second you could spare. I couldn’t get enough. Like I was suffocating, dying for a tiny breath of air. I think back to all the times I make time for you. Intentionally pushed away my family, friends, events just to talk to you, see you, be with you. The sacrifices I made over all this time that were so one sided. I think about how it feels now to have someone who thinks of me that way. Someone who imagines me into their future. Someone who introduces me to everyone they know. Someone who holds my hand, kisses me in public. Someone who doesn’t hide me. Someone who would never put me in the position to have to choose because they are as available for me as I am for them. Someone who is proud of me in public and in private. Although I still sometimes wish I had this with you, I know it would never be like this with you. I know where I am is better for my mental health than you were. It’s better for me in general. The certainty I feel with them is more than you could give me. The freedom and reliability I am getting now is more than you gave me in all that time. I am at peace with where I am. I am happy where I am and who I’m with. This person values me as much as I value them. This person wants me as much as I want them. This person is as available physically and emotionally as I am. It is fair. It is all I have been searching for.

I found myself resenting how now you can make time for me. Now that I’m walking out the door. Now that I’ve met someone that may be able to fulfill the vacancies in my heart, in my life. Now that I’ve found someone that might be worth the time and energy that I put into you for so long. Now you recognize what I meant to you, what I did just to stay near you, to see you. For a long time I’ve been telling you, I’ve been showing you how you taking me for granted was pushing me away. It was building walls, creating space; space farther that the physical distance. Disconnection. Your lack of consideration is now obvious and hurtful. It has become obvious to me how much you’d taken the thought that I’d never leave, that I’d put up with anything for granted. The effort now is proof that it was possible before. That you knew what you were doing when you wouldn’t respond, when you’d make promises and not act on them, when you’d not even make the bare minimum of effort for me. You knew I’d be waiting for you like a puppy, but instead of cherishing me and the space I held for you, you took it for granted. You shut me out a long time ago when you decided what was best for us. When you decided that denying me your full love and affection was the best route for me, for us. I guess in some ways you were right. But in the process of trying to confine my love you cut it out, killed it slowly. Your attention being focused on the physical pushes me farther away. I always told you that it was important but not the most important thing about us. Now it makes me feel dirty and used. That’s all you focus on and I’m so much more. I’ve always been more. So to keep myself safe I put up more walls and reject you. I cut you out. I compartmentalize you. I choose someone else. I’ve run out of patience. I’ve run out of effort. I’d wished it would never come to this, but it has. Now my love, time, affection, effort and patience are a gift for someone else. They are gifts you took for granted. They are gifts that are now cherished and appreciated. They are gifts that are now reciprocated ten fold by someone else.

I hate that this is hurting you. Part of me thinks that you are now feeling what I’ve felt for so long. The pain, the rejection, the sadness of wanting something so much but knowing you can’t have it. The feeling of playing yourself for the sake of someone that you love. But most of me wants to hold you, cover you in kisses, and stay with you forever. I’d convinced myself that you loved me but not enough to be hurt when I left. I’d convinced myself that you were just passing time with me until the next moment with the people that you truly love. I guess I always thought that you cared for me but not enough to change your world to love me properly and claim me to the world. And while this is true, I do know that you love me, that you will miss me. You’d convinced me that you were intentionally leaving space. That you didn’t need me. That I was an option. I wish things could remain how they were, but it hurts not being prioritized by the person you love. It hurts being placed last by the person you put first. It hurts to not be considered by someone that you consider in every decision you make, every day. I want someone to love me how we love when we are together and love me like you love her when we’re apart. I want passion and consideration. I want to be wanted and respected. I want someone to be proud of me and of us together. Those are things you can’t give me. I’m the reality you don’t want.

Who could have ever guessed that the mire thought of you could stop me in my tracks after all this time? But the way you can is unnerving and knocks me to my knees everytime.