Izellah Rae

Haven't really thought of a title, and that's alright! Nobody has to have it altogether all the time anyways. I really missed you Tumblr. :(

One of my best friends and I were talking about writing earlier, and you (Tumblr) crossed my mind. I also recalled that it was around this month that I decided I should start writing anything, and publish it. Because I enjoy writing, and would love to keep doing so, as well as gain more confidence in it. Plus, I can use it as a sort of portfolio. How that's going? Well, in John Lennon's song, "Beautiful Boy (Darling Boy)," "life is what happens to you when you're busy making other plans." It's been my comfort song lately after watching Beautiful Boy (2018). Along with Let it Be by The Beatles. I remember going to my godfather's apartment and hearing him play that song on the guitar. It's all just really warm and gentle with me. I like that these songs make me feel safe.

Besides all that, I guess you could say I fell into a rut. How I'll get out of it, I don't know. But I'll figure it out someday. Hopefully soon.

It's my second year now, too. Which is insane. Please pray that I survive lol.

By Izellah Rae

I feel a shift in the atmosphere. And I feel invincible.

(Or baka OA lang ako hahahahha)

I have these dreams that tower over me. Whenever it stomps, my world is in shambles over trying to face it. But I fear I'm making do with what I don't have. Sometimes to believe is barely enough to make a inanimate object float. Now, I have new dreams at eye level. They walk in corporate and muted attires by day, dinners that are filling, beds that are cold, awaiting planned meet ups in dresses, and recreational activities galore. Although a simple yet luxurious life, I still yearn for the dreams I happen to have folded and placed into my drawer. Every now and then, it gets harder to close. When I close my eyes at night, it appears clear as day, illustrated in my mind. I have the willpower to change everything. To perhaps fulfill all dreams. But do I have the heart not to grieve over tremendous sacrifices? Many a day had I passed, both tough and easy. Still it daunts me like silence without the creaking.

By Izellah Rae

Today, we're a quarter away from finishing our first year in college. What does that make of me? Well...

I went from deteriorating to becoming more resistant to trial and more confident in facing the world. I'm learning a great deal about the exterior and interior aspects of my life (so much, if only I could talk about all that has happened for hours on end, I definitely would). Saying all this may be contrary to my currently more sensitive state, but what person has it altogether anyway? I know that despite all these, I'll be twice, thrice, and a thousand times stronger. Lumalakas ang aking loob, at nasasabik akong makita kung paano ang magiging itsura ng aking kinabukasan. Nakadalaw ako sa iba't ibang lugar gamit ang sarili 'kong mga paa. Imagine kung ilan ilan na ang mga mapupuntahan ko dahil sa milyon milyong opportunidad.

I hope many of you can sit with the dichotomy of growing pains and fall in love with life's mysterious ways of restoring your soul, just as I am learning to become.

Finally, a song that's resonant and sets the tone of this maundering.

Furthermore! My current fixation: some music from the Beauty and the Beast and The Sound of Music soundtracks, as well as songs that make me feel soft and light on my feet, which I am gladly sharing with you. ‪‪❤︎

By Izellah Rae

I feel a tinge of heart ache for the things I can't make happen. And I feel as though life's misfortunes are dragging me by my legs as I reach out on ragged ground trying to get out of quicksand. Part of me knows I'd be relieved to find beautiful things when I'll escape from it but part of me doesn't want to resist and let it consume me. Being constantly caught in between life or death, a question lingers...

Is life being caught in a landslide or is it to live without calamity and in exchange with love? If both can coexist, does that mean the proof of life is to be gasping for air? What if oxygen is no longer sufficient and my lungs don't recognize clean air?

By Izellah Rae

It will be approximately more than a hundred moon cycles since my birth. Never had I been so lucky to be present. A working mind, heart, body, and soul. A kind of entity that can exist with both severities. Between heaven and earth. How lucky I was raised with a rich culture of music that occupied every space, films engrossed in my mind that I wish to replicate, the dialogues of characters that express or translate exactly what I'm feeling, and food that made me dance the moment I tasted it. How lucky I was to appreciate warmth during the coldest nights and a breeze, freshness, during the hottest days. How lucky I was to experience hunger so that I could appreciate fullness. How lucky I was to observe the inches I grew taller in a height chart, the number of shoes or clothes I grew out of, the friends I walked with — some I've met, lost, and stayed with. How lucky I was to almost drown trying to swim, collect calluses on my fingers trying to position my fingers on the strings of my guitar, and write so much that I grew a bump on my finger. How lucky I was to be inspired by great women who motivate me and help me embrace my peculiarities as well as aging. Because of them, being older and wiser appears to be more elegant than the world paints it to be, the “end.” But surely there's plenty to do — how can I be tired? Isn't the thought of that exciting? 

There are some days where I feel just fine. And then I'm recalled that you touched me. I let you touch me. For a moment, I thought you were concerned, and for one who usually isn't an affectionate person, I liked it. I also recall you putting my hair behind my ear, asking what was wrong. I thought we were actually going to discuss and reconcile whatever we had. But now I understand, you're only asking for yourself and not for the sake of us. After everything I've learned, the beautiful girls you've called and wasted, for a moment, being insufficient crossed my mind. And I absolutely loathe you for making me feel that way. And for you making other girls think just the same.

How pathetic of a life you must live to prey on genuine and vulnerable people into becoming your "friends." Fragments of them tailor fit to present yourself in the way you want to be seen. Alone, you're no more than a shriveled defenseless man.

Everyone has power, a sense of themselves, and free will. Perhaps your privileges control you. How unfortunate and ironic that is. But maybe you deserve it after all.

God forbid a woman for being sensitive, but I wish you both the bad and the good. I hope you find yourself facing a staggering truth that makes you rip off your skin. Make it a painful process of shedding layers of yourself. I also hope you find it in yourself to be content, have empathy, and find people who love you and whom you'll love back.

By Izellah Rae

You probably do not like the way your neck curls, your stomach folds, your nose stretches, your arms widen, etc

But if you think about it, unique, one-of-a-kind things are often displayed in museums. Some are even inked out on pages because a writer can't just use a single simple word or sentence to describe and express it, or even an artist to illustrate, paint, then have it perseved for centuries to look back on. That authentic characteristic must be shared. The art of being authentic is what sells anyway.

Others may not demand it, but others aren't everyone, nor the whole world. 7 billion people in the whole world, and you fixate on the ones that don't bother?

(More rambling) By Izellah Rae

Deep inhales and a mind racing towards a final rest, but my heart's a palpitating mess - words from a college student in a tri-sem uni na bakasyon na agad ang iniisip kahit di pa tapos exams gahahahahaha (pray for me for tomorrow's economics exam)

The term break is near, and so is holy week, and I can't wait to catch up on sleep, music, films, books, writing, etc. I hope I can do it all in so little time, but that's not to rush myself! Let's be present!

That being said, some affirmations or self-assurances will do us a greater deal. Have you been kind to yourself lately? I know the hustle is a no-brainer for an ambitious person, as I so very much understand. But take it from someone who has had several burnouts: do take a pause and see how demanding life is and how that life is as long as we make it to be. So, take care of yourself if you haven't, do so because you haven't seen the 7 wonders of the world, read as much as Senator Miriam Santiago, be as sophisticated and classy as the elderly women you pass by in the well-off side of Alabang, YET.

Even so, I'd still do the contrary at the moment since I have the most burdensome groupmates in a project known to man, that I'm attempting to clutch at the midst of, then again, reviewing for my economics exam. Kakayanin kasi kailangan.

Additionals: My current obsession is Ms. Ariana Grande's Hampstead. It is just so very resonant with me at this time. It feels like a hug I never want to let go of. It also feels really healing in a way. I presume it's because the month of March was emotionally challenging and academically demanding that I had to push aside my feelings. Weary not, for exams are almost over and I'm gonna have a fun time with my friends and family which I look forward to doing.

By Izellah Rae

I asked my friends, "If I were a color, what would I be?" They all answered, saying I'd be yellow, and one pink I didn't like being associated with the color yellow at first; it made my eyes hurt Because of how bright it comes from the sun and its unsettling hues in fast foods

Yet, it arrives like knocks on the door And our closest friends blabbering at an ungodly hour By then, the moon is replaced with rays that bounce off the walls and bring heat to our cheeks Later to our bodies, hoping it turns the lightest and dull shades into a life well used, burnt from the heat

Pacing through hot sands, sliding through slides, and holding handlebars we know we shouldn't have held in the first place By then, the hands of time had turned a thousand times, spinning indefinitely, intensely, madly, to bring me to a place of resounding resonance I found my mouth with a refined taste, ears that heard life's fluctuating symphonies, a nose that recognizes the scent of luxury, eyes with a better stance Lastly, a warmth not only in golden jewelry, but softly approaching their ready-to-run souls, intently listening to one's trembling thoughts, the absence of extremities

Who knew that softness could be derived from one of the most saturated tones Gentleness and thawing hearts from an intimidating, hard-to-match or pair with foes

By Izellah Rae

Place it in a vase like a flower, but it overflows

Place it in a journal, but it seeps out of my mouth

Place it in a bag, but it weighs me down

Place it in your hands, but you leave it on the ground

You’re no creator, but you’ve got puppets on a string

You’re no victim, but you sure made being vulnerable a priceless thing

You’re no foe, but you’ve got scathing attacks dressed in chivalrous acts

You’re nothing special, but you’ve got a knack for being someone’s playback

Curated such a good backstory, you’ve got readers and critics

Worse than Maleficent, you’ve impaled two hearts with one spindle

I took a sleeping pill and I was so close to falling asleep 

I thank the God who impedes what could have been my longest slumber

I hope the One above doesn’t just save me, but the girl you’re seeing

Save her, bring her back to heaven just as her name means

Whatever wronging one can do, no one deserves a wretched being

Someone who haunts you in the waking and your dreams

I’m no saint but I place my bets on both love and vitality

Incessantly present as a vessel and never a protestor against

An ardent soul, ever so soft and warm will always be classy

Except one, with a soul so hardened, the most stubborn rock and so static

(you may not ever find satisfaction in your life other than the bitterness you eat off of, like a praying mantis. what a pathetic and miserable life that is.)

Author’s note: Quite a messy train of thought but I hope you get the picture of longing, yearning, resentment, and spite hahahaha

By Izellah Rae