Zaed

As I write this blog, I realise its only the 3rd blog I have posted in 2022. I need to pick up the pace and start posting again. It has been a busy and an eventful year. It came with a lot of promises, some that have been fulfilled and some that I believe God protected me from.

They say Life is about moving forward and never looking back. But I think we should look back. Looking back gives us an idea of our progress and keeps us grounded. When I look back at the things that have happened, I’ll say I have progressed in life, especially this year. Emotionally it has made me tough and prepared me to take on difficult challenges that will be thrown at me.

I also completed a year in Legal practice in October 2022 albeit I missed many days due to frequent travels I undertook but I am loving the life in the Court having built a little Litigation of my own and trying to make a name for myself. I don’t know though if by this time next year I’ll still be in Court. As I said, life is all about moving forward and I want to move forward in life and choose the best for myself.

Two of my best mates got married this year. Shubhangi got married as the year began and Shubham who we dearly call Sir got married at the end of the year and before I forget, Binish also got Nikafied in the middle of the year and the Amity gang got to reunite on all these three occasions again. We first met in Delhi then Kashmir and finally in Jharkhand. Amazing!

My Amity mates are some of the nicest blokes in my life, people who take offence at being called friends and would rather refer to each other as brothers. Needless to say we act like brothers.

This was also the year I spent so much time travelling to different places. It’s crazy when I think about it. Delhi, Punjab, Haryana, Chandigarh, Himachal, Jharkhand and Mumbai. I think one should travel frequently. It opens the eyes to different perspectives and helps us give up on pre existing notions we may have about these places. TBH though, Punjab is my absolute favourite place. The lush green fields, the food, the people and the culture. People embrace you like you are one of their own. Even in Himachal I met some of the nicest people. People aren’t bad, that’s what I have realised, our thoughts and pre existing notions need to change about places we’ve never been to or people who we have never interacted with.

2022 feels like it flew by. We say it about every year but I think the fatigue caused by the interruptions led by Covid in the previous two years, this time people just wanted to move on and start afresh and 2022 has given a new hope and a new lease of life.

This year however is also the one that I will forever associate with the passing away of the most important person in my life, my grandmother. She was the most important person in my life and one who I could go to and explain any problem I had knowing that even if I was wrong, I would still have her support. People may not think about it, but sometimes it is all you need, to have someone by your side who will be there no matter how tough it gets. Amma was that person for me. She meant everything to me and her passing away has changed a lot of things in my life. My routine isn’t the same. I leave for office now without her being there, telling me I’ll be the most successful Advocate in the world. I don’t now come back home, tired with her berating everyone to get good food for me ASAP. Amma, your love was truly unconditional. May Allah elevate your status in Paradise 💙

Ever since I have returned from Delhi, I realise my connection with Allah has cemented a to a great degree. I can’t imagine going through the dark phases that this year threw at me without Allah’s intervention. Allah gave me strength to get through the odds with my head held high. It’s Allah who gives strength, and it is Allah who takes away that strength. It’s Allah who sails our boat, it’s Allah who sinks our boat. I don’t mean to say that I have succeeded in pleasing God through my actions, far from it but the fact that I can count on Allah to get me through the worst, it’s something that truly matters to me. It doesn’t make me feel vulnerable.

If you’ve read my previous blogs, you would know that I don’t make resolutions for the coming year. I believe in letting things flow and catch one moment at a time. I hope to be doing well in life this time next year. I hope Allah keeps protecting me and guiding me through the storms that are going to be thrown at me.

At this point of time, it’s all about the football World Cup and simultaneously thinking about the next move in career. My bet is on Argentina to win. I also hope to make a wise choice in career. Let’s just see what’s in store. Until next time Xoxoxo

I was born in Srinagar to a family that hails from Baramulla District. My parents are closely related. My paternal grandfather came to Srinagar in 1955 and since then we've been living here although we do have significant business interests in Baramulla. I don't even know if I should still class myself as someone from the North. My maternal side on the other hand does have business interests in Srinagar with hotels in Raj Bagh, they however chose to remain in Baramulla.

Baramulla from the moment you enter it from the Srinagar border, you get a country vibe. I have driven on many roads across the country, but nothing matches driving your car through that poplar alley in peak summers or autumn. The woodsmoke, the evening breeze. It's truly magical.

I did my lower kindergarten from Srinagar and it was around this time my father was kidnapped by militants for a ransom. That's when my family decided it was better to keep me away from all these happenings and sent me to my maternal grandfather's place. I got admission to St. Joseph School Baramulla, one of the most famous schools in Jammu and Kashmir. I don't exactly remember how I must have felt at that time being away from home, I must admit though looking back at things now it must not have been very very good. However the base for my education was set in Baramulla and I am really grateful that I got to spend my early years in a school where it's very very difficult to get admission otherwise.

The biggest bright spot about those early years was my Naana Ji who I dearly called as ''bade papa'' or simply ''Papa''. He was a businessman who started from the scratch and made a name for himself. It wouldn't be wrong to say that he has contributed more to my perspective on life than my own parents have and I am absolutely proud about it. He would make me listen to BBC on Radio. He would ask me to give a brief of the news I read on Newspapers and it is him who inculcated in me the habit to ask questions about everything. His outlook on life was very very broad.

People go to places like Maldives, Goa, Sri Lanka now still hesitant to take their families. He took his daughter (my mother) to these places in the mid 80's when she just had hit the teenage. I still haven't been to these places still :P But no, this just shows he was way ahead of his time. Way way ahead. Some of my life's greatest memories are with him. Every afternoon, he would put on one of his gowns which he had imported from Europe and take me for a walk to the place in picture above. It is famously called as Jetty around that area. It is just 2 minutes walk from my maternal home. We would sit here at this old platform which had been abandoned and he would explain to me the meaning of life through his experiences and travels. We would throw the pebbles in the river, we would see the kingfisher catching the fish, we could see the sun setting down amidst the sound of the Dove's coo and this more than anything is the greatest memory of my life.

One particular incident that I clearly remember is sometimes he would take me for a longer walk to this canal which would supply water to the nearest rice fields. he would hold my hand while I walked in the middle of the canal which was shallow. I once stepped on a bog while walking in the canal and my slippers got stuck there in the mud. I had to walk barefooted home. I remember going to the same place again after I think 14 years in 2018. The canal had dried up as the rice fields had been converted into Apple orchards which do not require regular irrigation. I decided to dig deep in the canal to look for those lost slippers and I found them. I absolutely found them. I came to Nana Ji's room with those slippers and asked him if he recognised them. He didn't. By this time his memory had become weak as his cancer had relapsed with more aggression but as soon as I reminded him of that day, he smiled and kissed my hands. This is something I will cherish for the rest of my life. Those questions, those briefings, those walks and strolls, those drives to Sheeri where he would make me watch the fishermen catch their fish after having cast their nets for days and then explain to me the difficulties in earning livelihood, this is something that I will never ever forget. Memories made with him will forever be etched in my memory.

I came back to Srinagar in 2005 and got admission in prominent school here. I got educated, I did LL.B from Amity University in Noida. I lost touch with Baramulla in between all this. My grandfather passed away in 2019 August. I met him just two days before he departed us. I could not attend his funeral or see him for last time again as I was in Delhi and this remains a forever regret.

From my paternal side, there's nothing much to remember about my time in Baramulla because we are settled in Srinagar for nearly 70 years now. My paternal origins in Baramulla are very humble. I have heard stories and they are emotional stories. We were the landlords owning and still own lands across the Baramulla Country (kandi as it is called locally) My great-grandfather due to a petty dispute had thrown his first wife (my great grandmother) out of his home with his four children and married again. She used to work on a spinning wheel to make the ends meet and feed her four children, youngest of whom was my grandfather. Seeing the hardships that his mother had to endure, he quit studies by the time he was 10 and then started bringing the firewood from the jungle to sell it in the market. He was then hired as a worker at a local bakery in Srinagar where he learnt the art of baking. Baking is an art for me. His salary in those days was 6 Rupees per month which after managing the expenditures, he would give to his mother. So the story goes that my great grandmother had managed to save 70 Rupees. The access to our village was limited and one either had to take a pony or walk for 14KM to reach there from the last motorable road. This is when my great grandmother spent those 70 rupees to buy a horse for my grandfather just so when he would come home at the end of the month, she would be waiting for her son on the horse at the last motorable road to travel to our village to make sure he does not travel those 14Km on foot. Within no time my grandfather had become a huge success. His buisness was shining. He was purchasing properties left right and centre. His name featured in then Times of India with a news that a man called Qutub Ud Din Khan is so rich in Kashmir that he has purchased a property in Baramulla for 50,000 rupees. But two tragedies happened in quick time which would dampen the excitement. The horse which my great grandmother had bought after saving that money amidst all that struggle she had to endure was nicked in the end and my great grandmother passed away too just a year after my grandfather's marriage and she could never see the good times properly. My great grandfather mistreated my great grandmother and she had penned a very emotional feminist song about the tragedies she faced. I don't exactly remember the verses of it, I'd ask my Amma to tell me about them but I remember hearing it for the first time and my eyes just teared up. I visited my ancestral home in 2015 for the first time in Laridora hamlet of Baramulla district and as I reached the top floor, I saw the spinning wheel which my great grandmother used to spin to make ends meet. I absolutely broke down in tears. Those who had seen my great grandmother remember her as a woman of dignity. One who never gave in. Her fingers were dislocated and disfigured by constantly spinning the wheel. My great grandmother was a feminist even before the term became mainstream. I had gone to my village in a posh SUV with all the comforts of life. It was a very emotional experience thinking about where I actually came from. If I ever feel I am becoming arrogant or things are getting to my head, I remember that spinning wheel and it keeps me grounded.

Ever since I have come back to Kashmir after finishing my LL.B, my connection with Baramulla is getting re-established, albiet this time more on the lines of business. We have two shopping centres under construction there and by the time they are ready, I am sure I'd be spending a lot of time in Baramulla again. I would like to build a hut there on top of the mountain along the creek and feel the vibe like I did with my Nana Ji. Those were the absolute times. For that period between 1998-2005, I'd just like to remember nothing else but the part which I spent with my Nana Ji. He has inspired me.

I am hoping this time my connection with Baramulla doesn't get lost in time. I am soon opening a grocery store there and there's a lot more to come, but before that, I'd like you guys to pray for my health. My spine is back to behaving abnormally again causing me immense agony in my right leg. I may have to go under the knife to get it fixed finally. I am scared but I am also motivated.

Until then, bye bye.

The start of New Year in Kashmir most of the times is always same. The temperatures go below Zero degrees and the forty days of harshest cold, the Chillai Kalan starts reaching its peak at this time and if you've read my previous blogs, you'd know this is for me after autmumn, the best time of the year. I really love winter. It's so full of sentiment. Not many would agree, but the naturality of the vibe in this season is unmatchable.

2021 like 2020 was a mixed bag. With the second wave of Covid wrecking havoc, it seemed like all was lost. I even lost few friends to the deadly virus. I remember opening my socials and just seeing people, especially from Delhi, with pleas asking for oxygen cylinders, medicines, injections, beds at hospitals. It was the toughest time of the year and may we never see it again. This year also reminded me of the fragility of the life that we have. I met with an accident on a very busy road in Srinagar and if not for God and the safety features of my car, things would have gone really bad for me. It is really important that in times like these when we buy a car, one should make sure it's compliant with the latest safety measures.

2021..... It's also taught me a few lessons, very important lessons for life. I am a person who's always accepted change. I suppose accepting change is essential to maintain flexibility in the diverse and dynamic world we live in. I have changed my opinion on the question of LGBTQ, I have changed opinion on the question of politics and I am really happy about it.

Sometimes we think people should go about their life how we want it, we act entitled around them and make things difficult for them. I won't shy away and admit I made this mistake last year and knowing the person that I am, I'd think about it for a very long time. It's very important to give people time to think, time to imagine, to iron out their doubts. Yeah it's true that one always has expectations but to expect those expectations to be met when you've just done the bare minimum is wrong on our part as well. But sometimes I also think that my actions more often than not are not guided by my belief but rush of blood and I absolutely need to work upon it.

I am a person who's not made to sit down and relax. To reach 100% perfection, that's always my target. Failure scares me. Whatever I put my foot in, I want to succeed there. I am just that type of a person who can't live with anything lower. But I also don't like to talk about my qualities very much because it would make me sound arrogant and I honestly also wouldn't like to talk about my failures because it's your (people who know me) job to find them. But maybe I can talk about my weaknesses and perhaps my biggest weakness is staying motivated about things that I am interested in. I need people to motivate me. I need people to remind me that I can do it. I need people to tell me that I am special, I know it's too much of an expectation in the times we live in but that's just me and if I could change this about me, I'd be really really grateful. But I think that accepting change should really not mean that the person you are fundamentally, gets lost in the razzmatazz of this fast moving world.

So what are my plans for this year? To be honest with you, there are no plans. I have left most of my matters to Allah and he's the one who can plan the best. When I came home, I started preparing for UPSC exam until I became completely exhausted. A lot of you will think that I may have compromised on my ambitions there, but sometimes the situation isn't as black and white as it seems to you when you're outside and when you come home, you realise that there are lot of other things that you have to prioritise as well.

I recently passed the prelims for this exam I gave but the mains are taking ever so long to start. With my practice in the court, I think I have taken a flight there, I maybe one the very few litigation lawyers who in his first three months of practice has filed 15-20 Vakalatnamas (power of attorneys) and I am absolutely loving the life there. But I also realise down the line that I will have to manage the business side of things. I have some important projects in my mind this year, and I am sure by the end of it, they'll all be ready for a launch. One of them being opening a departmental store in Kashmir which actually justifies what a departmental store is. Where people have all the basic needs under one roof and on a good discount. Watch my space for it.

On a lighter note, this is also the year where resitance to marriage will be tough to hold. My parents will absolutely toss me around if I delay it any longer. But like I have said it in previous blogs, marriage is a question which is ordained by the almighty and I have left this question to him. He'll do what is best for me.

I don't make resolutions. I think it's the silliest thing to do but one thing I'll definitely do this year is not side with people who pretend to not care about things. It's an absolute turn off. Life is too short to waste time on what ifs! I have always been the one who gets disillusioned quickly and for me there's no two ways about the fact that You should never chase what doesn't want to stay with you.

2022.... like any year comes with a lot of promise. I hope things move smoothly for me and my family and for you and your family. I just hope we get rid of this pandemic now. I don't like the idea of wearing a mask becoming a norm. I have realised more than anything, the most precious gift you have is your health and you should do everything to protect it. I am a guy who suffered with five bouts of jaundice one year after the other, then I suffered a prolapsed and broken disc in my back at the age of 21 in 2016. From my own experiences I can tell you, take care of your health because it's the most valuable thing you have.

The song Kaise ho tum by agnee is the embodiment of this feeling and of this truth.

As September nears its end, I am still bursting with fresh energy. I qualified prelims of this important exam and then I joined an advocate at the District Court. To be honest with you, the internships that I had done during the Law School had increased my disdain for lawyering. I hate working on desks with a computer in front of me all day long. That's how I imagined advocacy to be like. It was wrong on my part to think like that, but then again, lesson learnt. I love diversity. I like going out. I like meeting people. People who know me closely still class me as someone who is shy, but once I gel in, there's no stopping me. Since last month, I was feeling the need for a change. I felt bored. I felt sick. I wanted to go out again, that's when I approached my best friend to ask him if his dad would take me as an Associate and without any hesitancy, uncle said yes. Going to Court feels like one of the best decisions I have ever made.

Like I said, diversity attracts me. Litigation is diverse. It has so many different aspects to it. Drafting a Plaint, pasting Stamps over it, submitting it to the filing counter, waiting for the file to be sent to the right court, waiting in the court room for your serial to be called, all of this really really attracts me. I want to be moving all the time. From one court room to the other, keeping an eye on other courts where matters are posted just so that you don't miss out on atleast causing an appearance, I Love It All. I remember arguing a matter for the first time on just my 5th day in Court, that too in CJM's court for final hearing. It was nerve wracking. I don't suppose I was really good at it. I think I should have done better, but just that fact that I mustered courage to argue, I think it should make up for it. It's one thing to argue virtually, arguing in an open court, physically with all the top lawyers watching you, it is a different ball game. In the end though, I think I came out well knowing that the Court decreed the suit in our favour.

I can talk about court and litigation all day, but I think I should keep it for another day. Let's talk about September, I love it, perhaps because it's prelude to October, the month in which yours truly was born. LOL, Just Kidding. I love September for the change it ushers in. Well, being a Kashmiri, I am lucky that I get to experience all the four seasons, that too in their full glory. But, as most of you would know, Autumn has a different pull for me. I can't put in words my love for Autumn. I can't explain the feeling of breathing that crisp air. I can't explain the feeling of sitting in my balcony in the evening and taking in wafts of woodsmoke caused by the burning of Chinar leavves. It's totally out of this world. I can't explain the feeling of seeing Chinar leaves changing their colour from green to yellow to orange to finally crimson red. It's so beautiful. Autumn is so full of sentiment, so full of emotion, so full of poetry. I can't wait for that feeling where you come home with nose cold as ice. Autumn, you are magical.

Just few days back someone asked me on my instagram about the greatest struggle that I've overcome yet. To be honest with you, it sounded simple. If you've read my previous blogs, you'd know it was the period between 2013-2014 and that's exactly what I replied. It was a difficult period, no doubt. My head had become my greatest enemy. There was so much to process and sometimes I'd just give in. It shouldn't have happened but it did. Sometimes I would be worn out to the extent that I would shower a volley of abuses at my parents to their face and for that I have still not been able to forgive myself and perhaps never will. Sometimes I was just a football match away from contemplating the extreme step. I'd say to myself looking at the poisonous substance that I had got access to, okay, let this match finish, then that's how I am going to end my life and just after the match was finished, I'd just sleep because for me the only good thing about that phase was that I used to sleep a lot. Hell lot. I still can't believe that I got out of that phase but Alhamdulillah it's gone. But that's not where it finishes.

Life is so full of phases, so full of diversity that yesterday can never be compared with today and today can never be compared with tomorrow. I chose the the headline of this blog as "Life on a cliff" because with everyday that passes, life indeed does hang on a cliff. People who know me closely, especially from college days would know about my disdain for corporate life and it stands the reason why I gave up so many job opportunities. I have always been one for a competetive exam but things haven't been smooth on that front, with the pandemic forcing schedule changes in so many of the exams that I have been preparing for so long. It gets to your head sometimes... you ask yourself whether you're good enough or whether you were right giving up job opportunities for something that isn't even guaranteed. It worries me sometimes, but pondering over it will only be a waste of time. I am a confident guy and I am sure In Sha Allah something good will come out soon for me. Jobs, financial stability however do not worry me much to be honest. I have been blessed that way in the sense that I have my own personal car and a good one at that too, premium gadgets, my own personal income and absolutely no liabilities and my bank balance will soon get me in trouble with income tax department. I can afford time that way to pursue a career in law. But as things move on, I also realise sometimes you don't really get what you wish for. I belong to a business family and words of my friend Shivani still ring in my ears, '' Zaid, karega kuch bhi, wapas tujhe apna kaam hie karna hai, it's too big a source of income to let go.'' At that time I honestly thought it was the biggest load of nonsense I have ever heard. But now I do realise, yes... it is too big a source of income to let go.

I'd be honest with you though, I am obsessed with achieving something on my own terms. I want people to appreciate me for the hardwork I have done and it is the reason that I have come to think that jumping over to family business would be an absolute failure for me. I don't necessarily think it's the correct attitude to perceive things, but my mind has been moulded that way and I can't help it. I have to succeed at what I am doing, otherwise I think I'll be done (in my mind atleast). I am one of those guys who does get affected by people's opinion about him. It does affect me when people say I have it easy in my life being the only Son who has established sources of income for generations to come. It does affect me when people say I have it easy because I can still buy most expensive gadgets, own a personal car without being employed unlike those who are employed and have to think twice before shelling out money. It affects me. I think about it when honestly I shouldn't. It bothers me more when it comes from my own cousins, friends, people who I thought were close to me. But I won't dwell too much into it. One thing is for sure, no matter how much people's opinion bothers me, I no longer make decisions in life based on what they have to say. It's my life and I live it my own way.

One of those decisions like I spoke about it in previous blog is marriage. Why do people think marriage is the ultimate purpose of life? It's definitely not. I do think it is a beautiful concept but it shouldn't be ruined by people who constantly try to convince you about it. I truly believe this is a matter ordained by God and we should just shut up and bow down to what he has written for us that way. I don't wanna get married just yet. No. What a travesty it will be! People who know me always tell me I'll make a good companion especially because I cook amazing food, but let's not get into that 😅

Next few months are critical for me. Lot of life changing decisions have to be made. I have two-three preliminary exams coming up too, please pray all goes well for me. I'll be seeing my friends in Delhi soon and for a longer period since I intend to prepare for MAINS examination there if I do qualify these prelims. Fingers crossed!

As I approach a year since I’ve returned home from Delhi, things here haven’t been the same as when I left the Valley at the start of 2017. They don’t have to, life moves on. I had no plans to return that early, but as with everybody last year, Covid forced me to. I had already started preparing for various exams in Delhi when the pandemic decided to play the spoilsport. To be honest with you though, I had always unlike other people who go outside the valley to study, wanted to come back to Kashmir. Of course there’s always a lure of home, but it is also due to the fact that Alhamdulillah I wasn’t under pressure to find an employment for myself. My parents have been very supportive that way. I did have one or two job offers but corporate world has never been my thing and it has always been about services for me. So my plan was, prepare for exams in Delhi but find employment in Kashmir. I hope to do that soon. 

Last year was a mixed one for me. There are certain things that I am extremely proud about, one of them being that I am getting closer to God, of course with the help of a very amazing person (May Allah bless you). But I also understand that in terms of my career, I’d just wish away last year because honestly it put brakes on everything that had imagined. It interrupted my preparations, my enthusiasm and my motivation, but there’s nothing that I can do about it now but I am sure something good will come out of it too and I think something good has come. I think I am more thankful about things now then I was before the pandemic began. Seeing people go through the hardships that they did in terms of their finances, health, etc., you can only thank God because you realise you’re one of the luckier guys who didn’t have to endure the trouble that a lot of the people did. 

I also realise that slowly but surely my parents are putting responsibilities on me in terms of what they expect of THEIR ONLY SON (which is unfortunate) by way of looking at business, affairs at home but these responsibilities are something which I had expected to shoulder someday and I am not surprised about it. However, these responsibilities have put me in a dilemma too because every time I have to make a decision in my life which concerns my career, I have to keep in mind these responsibilities. Not that I am under any sort of pressure to think that way, but I suppose your conscience develops according to the environment you are in and myself belonging to a business class family, decisions concerning career especially with things like moving abroad, they’re not easy. My friend Shubhangi has a solution though. She says, “Zaid, in Kashmir you could open a Domino’s franchise, away from home abroad you’ll only be a part time worker at Domino’s for a minimum wage.” It does make sense, but I do think you should never approach Shubhangi to advise you on your career (JK). 

Kashmir has changed a lot over these 4 years. The first thing I notice is the amount of Cafe’s that have opened. Back when I left there were just few and the quality was abysmal but now with increased competition, I am not afraid to say that Srinagar has some of the best cafe’s and restaurants that I have ever seen albeit they’re very expensive compared to other cities, although it’s not very often that I go and check them out. 

To be honest with you, sometimes though it gets to my head that I don’t go out often and see my friends in Kashmir because I don’t have any here. Those who are, they’re in different cities and it just feels sad. I just wish I could go back to Delhi and see my friends more :( because I feel very alone that way here. Very alone. I wish I had made more friends in Kashmir who I could talk to, go out with, have fun but I just can’t right now and it pains me more than anything else, seriously does. I hope it doesn’t push me back to my 2013-2014 days. 

The motto of Khan clan ever since my ancestors migrated to Kashmir in the 19th Century has always been: ‘Dulcius ex asperis’ or, ‘sweeter after difficulties’. That optimism has served me well for all my life. Over all this time, from my early education at home to last few years in Delhi, I saw beyond adversity to the success on the other side. The act of controlling vast change year after year has been sustained by a belief that I can prevail over any challenge in my life. During my first year of law school, I heard someone say ‘Zaid is doing really well despite coming from Kashmir. It was offending. It’s precisely because I was born and raised in war torn region of Kashmir that I achieved what I have achieved in terms of my education and beyond. Origins should never be barrier to success. 

The hard life in a warzone though may not have looked good on the face value, but subconsciously it prepared me to deal with the challenges thrown at me which were in all honesty quite difficult but something that I succeeded at whereas the people in my life who had missed out on this toughening up process, sometimes just crumbled.

It goes without saying though that this toughening up process that I had to go through came with costs. The conflict in Kashmir has affected everybody. I doubt there’s a Kashmiri family across all divide of religion, caste or even class that can say we have come out unscathed till now. It’s not possible. But looking back at things, I do think there are families and sections of people which have been affected more by conflict than others. I come from one such family. Though essentially I come from a family of Lambardars (title for families of powerful landholders or Zamindars) my grandfather shifted to entrepreneurship setting up his bakery at Maisuma Srinagar, which became quite famous for my grandfather had learned the art (for me baking is an art) from the English in Abbottabad (Pakistan) when Kashmir was independent. Through the bakery, our family made quite a fortune especially buying properties in some of the plush areas of Srinagar and Baramulla. This didn’t obviously go down well with some of the people and by 1994 when Kashmir was in the midst of peak militancy, a mine blast would rock our bakery, which killed 7 of our workers. The target was my father, but the box in which the bomb was kept was unknowingly put by one of the workers on top of the firewood oven, which got heated and exploded before its set time. Those who survived, could never work again. Some lost their leg, someone lost their arm, some everything. The blast put a huge financial strain on our family, our hotels had closed, rented income gone because no one wanted to come to Kashmir and the savings were exhausted. The only good story to come out of the blast was that in the debris my father found an idol of Lord Shiva which was centuries old and he was offered 25 Lakhs for it by a wealthy Gujrati merchant, a huge amount in those days but my father being uncompromising on his morals, just returned the idol to the Temple right opposite our shop just for a certificate of honesty. At that time my father desperately needed 2 Lakh rupees to rebuilt the shop but he didn’t want those 2 Lakh rupees to come at the expense of someone else’s religion. Ultimately he was able to rebuild the shop and it was business as usual but 2 years later, the shop would be set on fire, completely damaging it. It was another blow to my father who was as young as I am today. Then my father was kidnapped and held for days for a ransom of 40,000 Rs. I was just 6 at that time and to protect me from all these things that were going around, I was sent away from home for my own safety, something that still affects me today. Something that I get shivers from deep in the night when I think about it. 

Coming back home again after six years on my grandmother’s insistence (who is the most important person in my life) was like a new life but I wouldn’t say it was a normal life, life is never normal in Kashmir but the ship was steadied and storm had passed. Our business started picking up again and I was fortunate that I had all the luxuries of life that you needed as teenager in those days. A computer, a playstation, good clothes, a house, just about everything. Not everybody is lucky that way. I studied in some of the best schools in the Valley and made friends. Very few friends I would say. Not many people would agree, but I am very shy and forging new bonds for me takes time. But I have made friends in the valley who I can count at anytime and they’d happily help me out. Best of them is Tabesh. We’ve been friends for over 15 years now. We were once called the chronic cases or the outlaws in school and very often our parents would get calls home for breaking rules (which in reality we never did, the school was fucked up). The thing with Tabesh is that sometimes we’d speak after a year and it always feels like we’re still in that 7th class doing silly things. She’s the best.

I had few other friends too but relationships wither with time. Life is a phase and this phase is never constant and every now and then new people come to take the place of older ones. Not to say I do not miss them, I do but I think that’s how life is and you move on. But there are also people who you look back on and think you could have done better without them, especially when someone attempts to take your life. (Story for another day) 

College life especially in Delhi is where I got the freedom to explore myself. Your life in a conflict zone is controlled and you don’t really get to identify the power who’s controlling it but it is there and you have to live with it. 

Delhi was just fantastic. I can keep talking about it. To be quite honest, I didn’t want to go to Amity University, I had got 225 marks in DULLB exam, just 4 short I think of the cut off and I was really devastated about it. It was only because my grandmother kept insisting that I should go to Amity, I took admission there. But I think it was definitely what I need at that time in my life. The comfort of home had terribly effected me. The fact that I had to make my bed on my own every morning, get my clothes washed and ironed, look for accommodations, manage my finances, and then take out time to study instilled a sense of responsibility that I had missed out on. The toughening up process that I talked about above would come to use in Delhi. There were many instances especially at the start of the college which just made me down my tools. It got to a point where I wanted to comeback home and give up but then I didn’t want to stare at a failure. I took it as a challenge and it came with getting rid of people who were making noises in my life and choosing better ones and better they were. Today, Shubhangi, Abdus, Akashdeep, Shubham Attri (Sir), Binish they absolutely are like diamonds in my life and I am sure that’s how it is going to be with them for all my life. Shubhangi especially has been like a rock. I remember her helping me out with getting used to the food, the culture, the life and the most important thing; keeping me down to earth especially with the sort of interest that I was generating lol. I will never forget her one liners. When 370 shit happened in Kashmir and I was away at that time, disconnected from my family and totally depressed, she would every morning come over to my flat, get me food and console me. I will never forget it. Never. Then my flatmates, ooooofff..Where do I start? KM09 Flat 206, the experience that will never get old. Perhaps the best time of my life was spent there with people like Akashdeep, Utkarsh, Sir, Shantam, Lakshya. Unbelievable days. Delhi was like an eye opener and experience that widened my perspective on so many things, something that I am sure will help me for the rest of my life. Doing Law was something that I had planned right during my 12th but it couldn’t materialize then but as unfair as it sounds, I never took Law as something that would enable me help me buy bread and butter. I have always wanted to be a Civil Servant, something that I’ve always wanted to do since I was a kid. Helping people makes me happy, the thought of being the voice of the voiceless inspires me to work harder and In Sha Allah I will get over this challenge and reach my goal. 

When I returned from Delhi in March 2020 due to obvious reasons of the pandemic, I never thought it would be for so long. Coming home after nearly four years has been tough especially with getting used to the weather again. I’ve had my fair share of illnesses this year and even now when I am writing this. Getting used to the Covid world wasn’t as challenging for me to be honest. I love staying in the cozy comfort of my room and it is very seldom that I like to move out from my shell.

Life is all about moving forward, it is pointless to look back. I’ve reached an age in my life where making decisions today would determine whether when I am 60, I’d look back at my life with regrets or fondness. I hope to make correct decisions. For my parents like any other parent in the Sub Continent unfortunately, that decision is marriage. To be honest, the idea of marriage is beautiful and repulsive at the same time. Beautiful because in Islam, it is the most sacred of relationships in the eyes of God and also the thought of having a companion to support you and someone you can support, there’s nothing better than that. Repulsive because I am also scared about it, what if I end up marrying someone who I am not compatible with? What if she is not compatible with me? What if it doesn’t work out? Oh God. You may think I am going overboard with talking about this, but being son of parents who had fully intended to get me married by 2018, I have somehow managed to put a delay on it, but I know it won’t hold for long and ultimately I’d have to give in but I think it’s not a situation that is peculiar to me only, marriage is a part of life and sooner or later you’d face this reality. 

Back in 2005, I returned home after 6 years. It was a terrible time for me. I remember asking my grandmother pointing at my mom, “Who’s she?” I was told that I had to leave home for security reasons. I didn’t care about it. Maybe I don’t care about it even today.

Back then I was too little to understand things. But people who know me since childhood always tell me you matured way early in your life. I was always told to be like what other people wanted me to be. I don’t remember how I felt about it at that time but it really must not have been good.  

When I finally came home and I joined a school in Srinagar, I thought now things would change. It felt amazing to be home. In the school, at home life was going smoothly.  As a ten or eleven year old your life should always be amazing and smooth. I still feel I wasn’t afforded that luxury.  The smoothness was short lived. By the time I was in 6th grade, I was down with heavy bout of jaundice. I remember not going to school for months. It felt like life had come full circle. My parents, when they visited the school to take my leave, the teachers told them that I have a dark streak somewhere in my head. Apparently they noticed that I wasn’t making too many friends, I wanted to stay away from everything. They felt something wasn’t right and they were right. I was too affected by that period of being away from home. It had almost ruined me at such a young age.

When I was getting in my teens, I started understanding things. I remember I would always feel drained. I would never be attentive in the class. Not that I wasn’t a good student, I was and was constantly getting above 85% but it never felt good. I would not talk much like I still do and for a 13 year old that was not good. My parents would try to talk me out of the troubles that I endured but it wasn’t yielding any results. The biggest problem about it was that I never spoke about it. It just kept accumulating in my head. The best thing that I feel I have done about it is never give in to peer pressure. People told me to do certain things like drugs, cigarettes, alcohol and that it was the easiest way out. Like I said, I matured too early and I understood if I did these things, I would end up ruining myself. I have contemplated taking the extreme step but I always tried to act strong in times of adversity. I don’t do drugs, I don’t smoke, the closest I’ve come to it is shisha and I am proud about it.

From 2009 onward things started improving for me. I remember being introduced to a girl and I was absolutely in love with her. It was probably the best I ever felt. Finally there was someone in my life who I cared for and someone I felt genuinely cared for me. Life was going great until we both felt we were choking each other’s space and we broke up in 2012. I did feel sad about her not being there anymore but then I had one or two friends who made me not to think about it too much. The transition from being with someone to being with myself was not very hard. But things again would change after 2013. I remember I didn’t have any plan to move out of Kashmir post 12th grade and I decided to study law at Kashmir University. I was excited about driving on the shores of Dal Lake everyday to reach the University. But after 2-3 months of joining, I realised things weren’t going as planned. I didn’t adjust to life there and I just decided to drop a year to clear my head. I started preparing for CLAT and SET and other places since I realised it was time to go. I did qualify the SET and for one other prominent University but I was still undecided about going there. Ultimately I joined a local college here that proved to be very fatal. I lost interest in everything. I made some terrible choices and I was paying for them. I never went to college that year. I fought with everything that came my way. The abuses that I showered at my parents, kicking and beating everything and there was nothing I could do about it. I had come a long way to think about something else. My dad even thought I’d quit studies and he offered me a job in his business. It was probably the lowest point in my life. I don’t have too many friends, the total I have on Facebook is 160. But I have one or two who could do anything for me but I was too scared to speak to them and the fact that they were in different cities than mine made it hard. I missed them a lot. The loneliness was such that I would talk to myself to make sure I felt normal. Then came a girl who is one of my great friends from Delhi in my life. She was the first one who actually counselled me for the first time in my life. Who broke my stubbornness and me feel like I can speak to her. She is one of the best things that ever happened to me along with football. (I know you’re reading this Miss Dua and about time to let you know how much you’ve helped me and how much it means to me). Then floods came in September 2014.

 Floods ravaged everything. But they proved to be blessing in disguise for me. I thought my career was over since I never attended college. But then I got a call that college has announced internals and that the attendance record has been washed away and you be ready. It almost felt like it was God’s way of saying this is your last chance Zaed. I took that chance. I passed the exams with excellent grades. I passed the externals too and I never looked back.

Except that I had to look back and stop. Life's ugly, yeah. May 19th 2016, I am suffering from back pain but then my friend who's driving my car doesn't stop at the speed breaker, the car jumps and I herniate my spinal discs so severely, that doctor said I was centimetres away from being paralysed for life. It rendered me bedridden for nearly six months. I thought the clock had turned back on me, but then I couldn't watch the destruction of me unfold before my very eyes. I had to pull myself up and I did. I’ve graduated finally and I feel happier than ever before. I want to be doing something in my individual capacity and I want to be a Civil Servant. Serving people, especially those who are less fortunate has always been my dream.

I never speak about the troubles I've endured. This is the first time I am writing about it openly. I am writing about it since very recently, April 7th I think was depression day or something and it was all over the news and social media. It's unfortunate that there are people who think depression isn't real. It is real. Absolutely real. It happened to me. It took me to some unexplored regions of my mind that were just too dark. It started with me being away from my family and really not liking it to me contemplating the extreme step of suicide, yeah I decided to take my own life. But then, I decided to open up about it. I started speaking to those who I thought I mattered to. It helped me. I got out of it. All I would say to people who feel like I have felt in my past is please speak. Don't be afraid, you're not alone. I faced the worst too but at the correct moments I made some strong decisions and I got a second chance. A lot of people don't. A lot of people aren't that strong. Just believe in yourself. A lot of people are fighting, I fought my way up too.

Growing up in a town that seldom cared about Sports, no one could have envisaged that I’d become a Football maniac or a Manchester United fanatic that I am today. But that is exactly what has happened over the last decade and a half. Back in 2002, Ronaldinho’s free kick against England made me love football but it was not something that was relevant in my life as a six year old but that was to change three years later. I accidentally switched to ESPN and I saw a Man United game which they were drawing until a Ruud Van Nistlerooy goal in the dying minutes ensured a victory. The emotional outburst that goal brought changed everything. The passion, the hunger to win and the desire to succeed that United players showed made me a fan forever.

From then on all I would talk and think about was football, the only team I ever supported was Manchester United. Internet in those days was restricted and I wasn’t well aware of the history of United. That would change in 2006. I got an internet connection and every time I got on it, I’d only look for Manchester United. It became from something that was irrelevant to the most important part of my life. As a United fan you know how difficult the history of the club has been with the tragedy that happened in Munich on February 6th, 1958. Eight players lost their lives in a plane crash and everything seemed to be over for United but for a manager who wanted to succeed against all odds. Sir Matt Busby rebuilt the team and United were European Champions again in 1968, ten years after the tragedy. That desire to renew the wonder that was so tragically interrupted has always inspired me. After 2006 United virtually ruled the football world. We were winning everything, going into finals and semi finals of competitions every year. We won the league 5 times from 2006 to 2013, we won the Champions League in 2008..reached two Champions League finals. It seemed that only something special would take to stop us. In 2013 Sir Alex retired after 27 illustrious years at the club. It was colossal. The club slipped to 7th from 1st in only one year. David Moyes failed at the biggest job in world sports, Van Gaal too couldn’t cope with the enormity of the task. This season Jose Mourinho came in & things are looking bright again.

The tough times Manchester United are enduring are somewhat synonymous with the troubles that I’ve endured after school. I dropped a year for nothing. I fought with everything that came my way. I isolated myself from everything. I was even called by a friend ‘the enemy of Everything’. (Didn’t understand what it meant at that time.) Football saved me. United saved me. They were the strength that I needed to live another day. I don’t talk about it, but I nearly reached the breaking point and it would only be a United game that would make living for another day relevant. I love you Manchester United. This year has been good. I’ve started listening to people who care about me. I’ve started looking at things with perspective. I feel happy about myself now and United too seem to be back at the trophy trail again. There’s not a sight that I love more than watching United players lift a trophy and this Sunday United will be fighting for the first trophy of the season at Wembley against Southampton in EFL Cup final and I’d love to see us lifting that trophy. I too have exams coming up from next month and I hope just like United are fighting and trying to succeed on multiple fronts this year, I do that too. Come On.

Manchester United Till I die.  

It’s kind of weird that I am writing here for the first time in four years after I signed up on tumblr but it’s about time that I did so.  If you know me, the words that spring in your system when you see me are cold hearted, indifferent, stubborn, rigid, etc. I am not writing here to prove any of those assertions about me wrong, but what I am going to write about is something that I have thought about vigorously in recent weeks.  I grew up in atmosphere of extreme possessiveness to the point that my parents didn’t let me go outside my house till I joined college. I wasn’t allowed to meet my friends outside my house. Most of it stemmed from the fact that my family suffered a lot due to the conflict in Kashmir and they didn’t want their children to go through something that had affected them so much. This possessiveness affected me in many ways but in particular it made me think about things on the outside in a conservative way. I was always concerned about doing something within the realms of what I perceived was right, traditional and favoured the majority. Few months back, I was having a discussion with a friend about feminism. On expected lines, my ego, my traditions got in my way and I absolutely trashed the idea of women needing feminism without realising that my arguments lacked perspective and empathy.  Few days back, I had to file my examination forms and I decided to fill them at a cafe right opposite my college. As I went in, to my surprise and disbelief there was a debate going on about feminism there and at first I thought this the last thing I’d be interested in until few arguments caught my attention. I never like looking back, I always like to move forward, but there were things that were mentioned in that debate that I’d never thought of before and as I came home and sat in my room, I kept thinking about those arguments. For the first time, I wanted to give up my rigidness and relate those arguments with my experiences. For the first time probably in my life I decided to think rationally.

When we have a certain privilege and we think about a woman, we think everything is same and that feminists are whiny people and hypocrites. We think if we as men enjoy a certain privilege, and they as women don’t, there is not a problem simply because it is not affecting us as men. I had a problem with understanding feminism. I thought it just means women playing the victim card and project themselves as the Alpha race until a friend explained to me that it just means equal pay, equal recognition, equal privilege, child custody…that surely helped. I mean just think about it, we watch movies, we watch TV shows and if an intimate scene is there, we think of the guy in that scene as a Stud and use another word with ‘S’ for the girl. There’s so much discrimination against women in terms of getting good jobs just because they get pregnant. They’re not given maternity leaves in so many organisations.  People will look at this from a biological point of view, that there are differences that affect the psychology of the brain between different genders. This is because different genders have different concentrations of hormones and neurotransmitters in the brain. However, there should be equality between these genders regardless of the biological differences because at the end of the day a person is a person and we are all entitled to the same human rights. What I’ve realised now is that;

Feminism is all about equality. I want women to be equal to men. I want women to do freely what they want without being judged for it. I want both genders to know that it is okay to like what is considered ‘girly’ things. Yes, Women are victims of rape and abuse.

Yes, Women are victims of domestic violence.

But so are men.

Men have flaws.  Women have flaws.