the stage becomes a ship in flames

I'm working on making a section on our main site about the Stratification, the most recent innerworld historical event. I'll post it here when it's done.

Part of the reason I don't fully identify as a trans man anymore after discovering I have PAIS is because so many people who identify as trans men have this mythological reverence they give to testosterone and HRT, and as someone who's had to develop a concept of masculinity and transition that doesn't involve hormones due to them not working properly on me, I don't feel connected to transmasculine concepts of masculinity at all. I don't know whose concepts of masculinity I relate to. My own, I guess. Because I feel like I'm the only one who equates masculinity with maturity or responsibility or any of the other things that should distinguish a man from a boy.

I have found that most people who preach the most about the importance of intent when judging actions are the same people who habitually fuck up, know they habitually fuck up, don't want to change, but also don't want to feel like a bad person.

I know this is fully cynical of me to think but whenever I see one of those posts that's funny because someone used a gif they "didn't mean to use", all I can think of is how easy it is to say you meant to use another gif and then use an absurd gif on purpose to make the post funny. Maybe it's just because I've never accidentally used the wrong gif so I don't really understand how errors like this are comparatively common. I dunno. Maybe I'm cynical.

Yesterday, I made this post on my personal site's blog about something about my system. It's a disclosure of some personal information that I want to be more open about and is pretty much the last thing I was at all secretive about on my personal site. It's not anything bad about me, but it has to do with my trauma (not graphic or detailed).

Last time in therapy, our therapist said "it sounds like your system is going through kind of a reset" in reference to some of the structure changes hastened by the breakup. My therapist doesn't know the term "system reset", but I think we're going through one right now. Not one of the ones where all the alters go away and they're replaced by new ones, but one of the ones where major things about the structure and fronting patterns change.

That thing I just reblogged that says "you don't have to belong everywhere" and that's supposed to be comforting. I honestly don't feel like I belong anywhere. Not even in the spaces I've created myself. And I'm okay with that. Because you don't have to BELONG somewhere to have the right to be there. I don't belong in the town I'm in, or the queer communities I'm in, or the Discord servers I run, but that's okay because I can still be part of them.