the stage becomes a ship in flames

We've been trying to figure out how top surgery will affect certain kink things. Most of our friends and people who know our kink art know we basically have a forcefem kink, and part of that kink had to do with the fact that, prior to top surgery, our body had had pretty large breasts. (I'm now aware, after weighing myself both before and after the surgery, that they accounted for thirty total pounds of my body weight.)

Part of why we became so okay with getting top surgery despite our kinks being what they are is because we realized that, after getting into drawing kink art, I don't need my body to be the thing I derive gratification from. Like, I can just draw any kind of body I want. I can make it look like me or I can make it look like one of my F/Os or headmates or I can make it just some random person.

The thing about my take on forcefem, though, is that it wasn't necessarily the same as how other people do forcefem. For example, a lot of our version of forcefem (which, I'm just gonna keep calling my kink "forcefem" in this post even though the feminization isn't always that forced) centers around people who are AFAB or already have breasts, and the scenarios usually don't end in someone identifying fully and exclusively as a woman.

When I found out my intersex history of being given estrogen to cause me to start puberty, the reasons I had this kink made more sense to me, but it was more difficult to engage in it sometimes because knowing this about myself made my perception of my body much different. Like, thinking your body is a certain way naturally versus finding out its current state doesn't reflect what its natural development would have been.

Some of how we (our system) have been engaging with our F/Os and each other following the top surgery has been in the interest of trying to get into some variant of forcemasc, since it would be good for our system if we could make a kink out of our transition to masculinity.

However, our system has complicated feelings about forcemasc because a lot of it seems to be more about fetishizing perisex HRT-based trans male transition than anything that is resonant to neutral/androgynous-leaning intersex people who are interested in transitioning to masculinity but don't necessarily get aroused by stereotypes about men being dumb and horny and are more interested in exploring what it means to be a man, in the context of becoming a man, usually while in an intimate relationship with another man.

It's also difficult because I know a lot of people have a scar kink, but I don't, and I don't like things that remind me of medical things, so it's very hard for me to properly fetishize the top surgery itself, and I know a lot of people are going to think my scars are attractive but I'm not going to agree but I'm just kind of going to have to put up with people thinking that because I know they can't control what they think is attractive.

The two in question are rodents (male rodents don't have nipples) and Thomas Jerome Newton (a fictional alien who also doesn't have nipples). I've effectively physically transitioned to both an alien and a rodent.

Also, they let me listen to music while I was undergoing anesthesia, and I listened to an industrial playlist, which was still going when I woke up, meaning industrial was playing the entire time I was getting the top surgery. I have xenogenders/neogenders related to this genre of music so this feels like part of my transxeninity/trans-something-unrelated-to-the-binary-ness as well.