The IWU Stallion

IWU Struggles to Fill New Ott Cadaver Lab

Last year, Indiana Wesleyan University budgeted nearly $43 million for the new Ott Science Building. Included in the construction of the building was an eagerly anticipated cadaver lab for students. Administrators, however, were dismayed when they entered the newly constructed building to find the cadaver lab empty.

“When we paid the construction company for the building,” explained an exasperated administrator, “we thought it went without saying that the cadaver lab would be full when construction was finished. What makes something a cadaver lab? Cadavers!”

And cadavers are what’s missing. Now IWU is scrambling to fill the lab for next year. “The problem,” says the Vice President for Financial Affairs, “is that we literally spent everything we had on that building. The only reason we’re making it until summer registration is that we’ve been siphoning money out of our professors’ grants for years now.”

One solution on the table is a sort of tuition exchange. “We know paying for a private university education can be a difficult expense for large families,” says administrator Eric Larson. “If families elect, they may choose to offer one of their younger children as a tuition credit toward an older sibling's education.”

No families have yet responded to the offers of the university, so other plans have continued in discussion. “There is always the Marion community to turn to,” suggested one Outreach Coordinator. “This could even bring Marion families onto campus to visit their relatives in the lab.”

As the school continues to search for solutions, science professors have come together with their students to capture squirrels on campus to populate the lab. “We know it’s not exactly the same,” said Dr. Boldog, “but squirrel cadavers still offer good learning experiences.”

Are Microchips The New I.D. Cards?

A breakthrough in medical technology has made it possible to replace all student identification cards with smart microchips. With a quick and harmless procedure, freshly trained 'surgeons' from the School of Nursing Pre-licensure will be able to embed a small device in the forehead of every student at Indiana Wesleyan University. Each microchip will be equipped with the student’s account information, meals, available points, along with a tracking device to locate the student in the event of an emergency.

Students will no longer need to swipe their I.D. cards to purchase meals, open doors, or scan-in to chapel; they may simply lean down and press their foreheads to a special sensor.

In order to increase institutional affinity among incoming freshman, first year students will be required to check-in for curfew by standing under a scanner and reciting a simple oath of fealty to the circle of IWU Elders.

Leading microchip scientist Dr. Lou Siffer says this new advancement in technology is “obviously the mark of the best era for mankind, and all who accept it will be financially successful."

Burns Hall of Science and Nursing Struggles with Depression 

Since the opening of the new Ott Hall of Science and Nursing, Burns has been suffering from what she believes is a severe inferiority complex. “I haven’t been diagnosed or anything like that, because, like, nobody seems to take my emotions seriously but, like, I totes have all the symptoms,” said the building. 

“It’s just . . . ” sighed the building heavily, “It’s just hard to feel like I’m respected around here anymore, or that anyone even cares. Like, I used to think that Elder, like, was interested in me, like obvie, but it’s just like he sees right through me now. It’s not like I was into him or anything, I mean, gross he’s like my brother in Christ or whatever — but it was nice to feel appreciated.” 

Burns also expressed concerns about feeling under-appreciated by university Administration: “Like, I know what happened to Shatford, and I’m like, ‘No way is that going to happen to me.’” The aging building is leery of campus administration’s favor toward newer buildings with greater endowments. Burns made some rather serious accusations. 

“I mean, I don’t like to use the word ‘pedophile’ lightly, but, like, if you ask me, Administration has been pretty creepy. Like, they only seem interested in younger buildings, and they are always taking pictures and bragging about them, like, ‘Oooohhh, doesn’t this building look so great. Aren’t her offices so large? Ohhhh, and look at that sweet lobby. Think of the loads of nursing students we can cram in there. And aren’t her grounds so well groomed?’ It’s disgusting.”

To back up her claim, Burns pointed out that even the Administration Building (the oldest building on campus) was forced to have cosmetic surgery in 2003. Junior nursing student Sophie Presh supported Burns. “I told her, ‘You don’t need them, girl. Like, you are, like, so gorge and if they can’t see that, they don’t deserve you. Like, you are God’s princess and you are loved,” preached Presh. The young nursing student also reminded Burns that she was dating Jesus anyway: “If she’s hot enough for Jesus then who cares what Administration thinks.”

The trend of getting rid of older buildings and rumors of the demolition of Center School have Burns worried that she will be next. “I mean, I know Center is like the creepy uncle of buildings, but, like, if he can go, maybe I can too,” explained Burns. 

When asked about these rumors, Center School only cried drunkenly and shouted, “I can classroom! I got halls. My halls still work just fine.” 

Without some sort of distinctive trait, Burns fears it doesn’t have much of a chance. “It’s like, I don’t even feel unique, you know? Like, everybody is wearing red brick and, like, I totes wear it best, but it’s like nobody cares because it’s like I’m not special anymore.” 

IWU Chorale Director Books 13 Week Tour for Beginning of Fall ‘14 Semester

After another successful Spring Break tour for the University Chorale, the director has given all members excused absences for the first thirteen weeks of the 2014 Fall Semester.

“I know professors will comply with my ‘request,’” director Mann stated, forming in-air quotations with his fingers. “They doubtless understand the importance of Chorale’s mission, seeing how we are actively changing the world.”

Although many professors admitted they haven’t personally seen any members of Chorale in their classes anyway, Professor A. Junk’s words seemed to represent the general faculty opinion: “Well, you know, I feel that it all seems a bit confusing. Students at a university should be, well, at the university and so forth.”

One Leadership professor was also confused about the situation: “We in the School for Life Learning, Calling, Leadership, Friendship, Happiness, Rainbows … don’t have students; we have disciples. And what do you mean by ‘academic institution,’ anyway?”

Only one professor seemed genuinely displeased by the request. “Chorale students are the ones in my classes that don’t understand worship,” said Worship professor Dr. Grape. “They will literally sing whatever words you place in front of them. During one class when I put up a slide with lyrics from ‘How He Loves Us,’ one of the girls began to sing it, unprompted, in this ‘sexy’ voice that she said ‘just felt appropriate’ for the song.”

Chorale director Mann was nonplussed by the faculty unrest. “It’s not like the students will be missing finals or anything.”

Several Chorale members expressed excitement about the ministry aspect of the trip, which will span the conservative “red” states and even include two weeks in Africa.

“Since this is primarily a worshipful institution, I don’t understand why people are upset about us traveling,” said part-time model/part-time singer Mandy Less. “All of our time and money is God’s anyway.”

“Our time in Africa will hopefully see God working through us,” said a hopeful Director Mann. “Christ knows, that dark country needs a little Christian light rock.”

This academic freedom is appealing to many students. “I’m hoping to join Chorale next semester,” shared Music Composition major Edith Pilaf. “We aren’t sure if my grandmother will make it for this year’s Christmas, and the only way the school will let me off for her funeral is if Chorale is singing at it.”

The IWU Chorale will depart in September, and many of the members have begun raising money already. The trip’s cost is currently estimated at $2 million, but Director Mann is confident that the school will help any students who fail to raise their own $40,000.

Girl Spending Friday Night Alone in Room Prompts Suicide Rescue Mission

Campus police were called to Evans Hall last Friday night, receiving a tip that a student might have been by herself for more than thirty minutes. “Melissa hasn’t been to unit devos in two months, and her roommate went home for the weekend. We were just worried about her complete isolation from the IWU community,” said her Resident Assistant, Lizzy Body, who made the call on behalf of the entire Evans staff. “Calling campus police might appear extreme to some, but I have been entrusted with the responsibility of [Melissa's] spiritual well-being. Without my staff and I's influence, she might as well be lost in a moral wasteland.”

An Evans Hall desk worker reported that IWU student Melissa Warner purchased a pack of Ramen Noodles and a Kit-Kat bar around 8:00pm, returning for another Kit-Kat bar around 8:15pm. Body, the staff member on duty, explained, “When I witnessed [Melissa] come down for that second Kit-Kat, I discerned that she was about to eat her last meal. I mean, I wouldn’t be brave enough to face the world on Monday with all that milk chocolate guilt clinging to my cheeks.”

Campus police responded to Body’s call within minutes. Recognizing the fragility of the situation, they pushed aside the Evans Hall staffers who had been standing outside of Warner’s room, frantically shouting “Melissa, don’t do it!” and “You are a warrior princess!” After two seconds of knocking, they broke down the door. Warner, who wasn’t wearing a bra under her generic oversized t-shirt, blinked at the sudden flood of light. She paused "Fight Club," which she had rented from Family Video. She recalls, “My first thought was that they were coming to confiscate my movie.”

After dragging Warner to the lit hallway by her dingy hair, the mob of policemen and RAs began to sing over her, stretching out their hands to cast out the demons that lurked in the lurid corners of her desolate soul. “It was so spiritual,” remarked one resident, a faithful adherent to the open door policy. “For a long time I had sensed a dark force brooding in Melissa’s room whenever I passed by. I can’t be sure, but I think that one time I even heard rap music.”

After the exorcism, campus police unscrewed the hinges from Warner’s door, not to be replaced until her roommate's return on Sunday evening. Because of the university’s privacy policy regarding its response to the incident, the RD of Evans, Suzy Norman, would say only that “At our covenant meeting this week, we will discuss what it means to truly be our sisters’ keepers.”

Pioneer Catering Co. Acquires Student Business, Renames to "The Rub"

The student-run business “The Hub” has recently been handed over to Pioneer with the renewal of their contract.

According to sources from within the Committee for Mallway Business, the Hub did not meet revenue requirements last year.

When asked, Guy “Proudfoot” Smith listed as their net-gain, “a dope keytar, three [individual] moccasins, and this solid guy named Gus.”

The University hopes a new business beside the Barnes Student Center doors also might improve student retention. “One of the earliest indicators of a student leaving the University is if they leave the Student Center,” explained one administrator. “We figure, if students never leave the building, how can they leave the school?”

Although many ideas have been suggested, one proposal by Pioneer is the clear frontrunner. “It would be a massage parlor where students stressed about finals or sweaty and stiff after a really physical game of shirts vs. skins could go to find release,” said one administrator. “We’d call it ‘The Rub.’”

The Rub establishment would also open up employment opportunities for students on campus. “We will have student workers, just like in Baldwin or Wildcat. And if you’re worried about training, don’t be. Our motto has always been ‘learn by doing.’ It’s worked at Casa del Gato.”

Another benefit of turning the business over to Pioneer is that The Rub will fall within the bounds of the IWU meal exchange contract. “I am personally excited to work The Rub,” said one Pioneer worker. “Now I won’t have to feel like a Peruvian street vendor, selling three fifty-cent bags of chips and a cup of water to gullible Americans for $10.75.”

The precise layout of the business is still up for discussion, according to committee members, but The Rub will have an open-door policy. “We want this to be a welcoming place for students to stop in for a Quickie (1 meal) or a Rub-by-the-Minute (1 pt/min).” “It’s a cool idea,” says senior Political Science major Monica Lindsey. “And for a lot of student workers, I think it could provide good experience for future careers.”

The Rub will open during the fall semester, advertising with the tagline, “Kneading satisfied members since 2014.”

Campus Newspaper's Release of Actual News Elicits Campus Uproar

On Thursday, for the first time in recent memory, the IWU Campus Newspaper published a news article. Since then, the campus has been in a general uproar.

Administrators have expressed disappointment in the faculty advisor of the Paper who was reportedly “hired for the express purpose of discouraging such behavior.”

When the editors of the Paper were contacted, they seemed confused. Apparently the publication of the article, which contained information that actually pertained to students, was accidental.

Student Discovers Marion, Campus Prepares Short-term Missions Program

During Thursday’s heavy snowfall, most Indiana Wesleyan University students took refuge in the warmth of dorm rooms and townhouses. But not sophomore Albert Clifton.

“A squirrel tipped me off last month,” Clifton reported to a Stallion source. “He said there’s a world out there, beyond the iron fence lining Washington Street. At first I didn’t believe him. But I’ve always had an explorer’s spirit, and the question unsettled me. ”

Under the cover of deep darkness and dense snowfall, Clifton decided to act. What followed was perhaps the single greatest discovery in Indiana Wesleyan history.

Clifton recounted his adventure: “I saw them through the clouds of snow—the lights. I pressed forward and eventually came to a streetlamp, then a driveway, then a house. Before I knew it, I was in the middle of a neighborhood. I couldn’t believe it.”

After stopping at one of the houses and interviewing a native, Clifton discovered the name of the mysterious place: Marion.

“Do you understand the implications of this? There’s not just a distant world out there to change. There’s a world right here, all around us!”

In response to this discovery, the presidential triumvirate has agreed to open a new major in the college of arts and sciences: cartography.

Excitement is spreading throughout the campus about the possibilities of such a program.

A DOC representative commented, “After a few years of exploration and map-making, we hope to send out our first missionary team to present the natives with the Good News.”

The school of business will contribute with a class on colonialism. “We’re thinking of calling it Marion and the Metropole,” exclaimed one exuberant professor. “We’ll be teaching students about the possibilities for exports and imports, taxation without representation, and forced labor.”

In the meantime, more and more students are beginning to venture out into this new world.

“We’re just excited to see how much of Marion is out there,” concluded Clifton.

Nursing Major Declares Campus Squirrels "Morbidly Obese"

Junior nursing major Rochelle O’Canna has declared a war on the morbid obesity plaguing the squirrels that inhabit the campus grounds.

“It is speculated that they have become dependent on the year-round supply of Jammer Stix from Mario’s,” O’Canna remarked while gesturing to the bulging potbelly of one furry creature.

In response to the situation, O’Canna determined “It was time for change” and launched a campus-wide ‘Let’s Move’ campaign, encouraging everyone from students to stop enticing the squirrels with scraps to the university landscaper to provide a wider variety of nut-bearing trees.

The Campus Republicans have responded in hostility, calling O’Canna’s efforts counterproductive.

“This is ‘Merica, and the wild vermin need fattenin’ up ‘fore huntin’ season.”

Despite the opposition, O’Canna remains optimistic about the squirrels’ health and hopes a compromise will be reached before they self-destruct.

50 Shades of Grey Bonnets

In response to Lightning Sloan’s report that E.L. James is in fact an IWU professor, freshman Sadie Ellis decided that she will write her own 50 Shades of Grey for Christians.

“I was inspired by the creativity of our esteemed professor and realized that Christian fiction is lacking in good, quality literature. While many Christians get their panties in a wad over E.L. James’ novel, I think 50 Shades of Grey Bonnets would be marketable to the Christian publishing world."

Tired of seeing “demure Amish women” as the only type of female protagonist represented in Christian fiction, Ellis says, “These writers deny our deepest sexual desires. But since no Christian fiction book sells without bonnets, I think that presenting them as a new sex toy would introduce the ‘sexy innocence’ factor to whips and chains.”

Ellis wanted to assure readers that the couple would be married, but her dominatrix protagonist would be married to a weakling man whose soul and sexuality need to be redeemed. “It’s like Hosea and Gomer, except the woman is saving the man from a life of boring Christian sex and redeeming the marriage bed for what it should be.”

When questioned about her willingness to read such a book, junior Sarah Flicker said, “I think now is the time to return to a biblical understanding of sex. When I think about Tamar and Judah, I don’t think ‘nice’ or ‘innocent.’ Honestly, Tamar is my hero and I can’t wait to see a character who actually represents a biblical woman.”

Ellis is reportedly already in contact with a Christian publishing company that is eager to actually compete with secular publishers. Below is an excerpt from her novel:

            I stepped up behind him. I could feel him trembling, feel his unease. I raised my left hand and placed it softly on his shoulder. "Choose one." I breathed into his ear. He stared at the wall in front of him. It was covered in bonnets, all in varying shades of grey. They had taken me years to collect; there must have been fifty of them in all.           

           Slowly, fingers trembling, he lifted one off its hook. "Very good." I murmured. "Now, put it on." He shakily placed it atop his head, but he was shaking too badly to tie it beneath his chin. I spun him around and did it for him. There. Now he was ready for the greatest lesson he would ever learn.

Attention Ladies: Escorts for Hire

Campus Security has finally capitulated to the overwhelming demand from IWU’s female population for a male escort service.

“The four-to-one female to male ratio leaves many an IWU woman without a date on Saturday night.. So there is a real need for this,” a Kem Hall R.A. explained.

Due to the success of the pilot escort service, which was tested under the guise of a recent 48-hour prayer initiative sponsored by the D.O.C., IWU Security is partnering with the College Republicans to establish a more permanent attendant agency: The Master’s Males—Where I Woo You.

“Obviously we don’t have the economical or ethical impetus to usher every helpless damsel back to their residence halls ourselves,” the officer explained.  “I mean, sometimes it’s raining outside, or the girl is makeupless and in pajamas, and we’re like, puh-lease.  Nothing’s going to happen if you’re dressed like a bag.”

Any IWU lady wishing to hire an escort simply has to approach the dark grey van parked behind the south female townhouses.  At least two men will be on 24/7 standby to service IWU ladies. Prices may vary based upon flexibility and duration, but these men are available for any occasion, be it a walk back to the dorm or a jog around the block.

For any local males wishing to put their passion to good use as "Master's Male," a brief medical exam must be passed, located in family bathroom of the Chapel Auditorium – during the chapel service.

Wanted ads will be placed in all local newspapers.

Student Ministers to Catholic Roommate

Gavin Rickman (jr.) recently discovered his roommate of more than two years Lee Raggs is a Catholic. Concerned for his salvation, Rickman has begun to witness to him.

“My first suspicion came sophomore year,” Rickman confided, “When Lee hung up this crucifix over his bed. I thought it might be a mistake, so I bought him a cross for Christmas that year, thinking—you know—maybe his family was too poor to buy a proper cross. But he didn’t take down the other one.”

After more than a semester without broaching the subject, Rickman noticed his roommate cross himself after praying for dinner.

“He did it near the end of the prayer,” Rickman explained. “That way he was finished before I said ‘amen,’ so nobody else noticed.”

Rickman’s course of action has begun slowly in the past semester, but he believes he is making real progress with his roommate.

“Last week, he finally accepted the Bible I’d been trying to give him for months. I took the opportunity to tell him about how Christ died for his sins, and he seemed to really believe it. I think I’ll probably offer to pray the Sinner’s Prayer with him soon.”

The problem of Roman Catholicism is pervasive on IWU’s campus.

“Sometimes Catholics can go through four years of school here without anyone realizing they aren’t a real Christian,” one professor of theology said Sunday.

“When we pray to God in chapel, they pray to their Catholic idols. We take communion; they take ‘the Eucharist.’ Luckily, we can make sure professors are Christians before being hired on our campus, but it’s a much harder issue with students.”

The professor commended Rickman for his ministry, however, saying there is “hope for the Catholic heathens.”

Freshman Misses Curfew; Spends Night in Dumpster

After missing her curfew last Tuesday, Indiana Wesleyan freshman Maria Gagliardi was forced to spend the night in the dumpsters behind Baldwin.

“I was in the, like, upstairsy part of the Student Center when I glanced at my phone. And then I was like, 'O my gosh! It’s 11:59 p.m.!'” Gagliardi recounted.  “I scrambled to get my stuff together and practically sprinted to my dorm, but it was like 12:03 a.m. and my I.D. just wouldn’t swipe!”

“Locking the freshmen out of their safe, warm bedrooms in the middle of the night seemed like the best way to instruct the youths about the importance of punctuality,” commented a dean.

“The freshman I.D. cards are nullified after the 12 a.m. curfew for the student’s own safety,” an IWU police officer stated. Those who miss the deadline are locked out until 7 a.m. the next morning.

When Pollard found herself in this very position, she wandered aimlessly about the campus in a mild snowstorm until she stumbled into the dumpsters behind Baldwin.

“I shimmied up the side and tumbled in,” said Gagliardi.

After fighting off some lethargic squirrels for a portion of grayish matter that may have once been a hamburger, Gagliardi marked her territory and curled up against a bag of crusty meatloaf.

“The Italian aroma reminded me of home,” Gagliardi said wistfully. “I felt a real sense of belonging.”

IWU's Next Campus Statue: a Golden Calf

After receiving negative feedback from students and faculty regarding what has now become known as the “Jesus Statue,” administrators have announced a replacement. The chosen image: a cow.

“The cow,” a dean explained Saturday, “Represents the Chick-fil-A movement of last summer. We have already honored Truett Cathy and his Christian method of running a business, but we hope to appreciate the whole evangelical community’s unapologetically Christian stance against the gays.”

“I’m excited for this project,” the sculptor said yesterday. “I really haven’t gotten to sculpt a cow before. In fact, besides the two-headed Gaither Monster, I haven’t sculpted any animals before.”

The artist of course was referring to the graven image of the Gaither’s displayed in the illustrious Hall of World Changers.

Various donors, excited about the project, have given the funds for the cow to be coated in gold leaf.

“I think this cow could be a thing of majesty,” said one donor Thursday. “Something we as a community can appreciate as a symbol of God’s provision. The cow gives milk of its udder freely. In the same way, God pours out grace abundantly to those who ask.”

He noted that the Kingdom of God is promised to those like children in the Gospels. And like children, we only need to “suckle at the teat of grace” to receive it.

Administrators echoed the donor’s call for this campus to suck more. One said Friday, “Grace is freely given—true. But this cow should be a constant reminder for students entering the chapel. Grace is provided here, but it requires flexibility and engagement. And occasionally, you’ve got to use your teeth to squeeze out every drop of that sweet, milky grace.”

In compliance with the vision of the administration, the DOC announced a collection of gold accessories to contribute to the gold coating of the statue.

“Students will be free to give as the Spirit leads,” the office said in an official statement Wednesday.

The DOC office made no clear statement on rumors of a sprinkling of blood over the student body during the unveiling of the statue.

“I’m not saying there will be a blood offering; I’m not saying there won’t,” one anonymous member of the DOC office said coyly. “All I know is, students might want to wear rain ponchos that day.”

Indiana Wesleyan Attempts Some Diversity

Indiana Wesleyan University has “attempted” to put in place measures to draw more racial and cultural diversity into the school. Though the scholarship strategy has recently shifted focus away from minorities toward white, upper-middle class students, administrators are adamant they are “doing [their] best.” As a result, the Stallion has initiated its own investigation into diversity on IWU’s campus.

In a recent study, Scallop Polls measured the negative effects of the School of Nursing’s uniforms on minority enrollment. The uniforms are completely white with a red insignia on the front.

“I first noticed it last semester,” said IWU admissions tour guide Bryan Wright. “I was with an African-American prospective student from Marion, walking past Burns, when a couple of nursing students walked out the front. They were laughing and talking and everything seemed fine. Then I turned around to see the kid I was walking with running the other direction. I just couldn’t figure it out.”

Other admissions assistants have experienced similar circumstances in the past couple of years.

“We’ve been having trouble for some time with minority applicants,” the head of the Admissions Office said Tuesday. “I always tell them, ‘You and I might be different, but we’re both just part of the human race.’ But for some reason, people just don’t think that answers the question of race.”

The Admissions office has been feeling consistent pressure from administrators discontent with the department’s inability to reach its quotas.

“We’d like more diversity from the Marion community itself,” one administrator said Wednesday. “But honestly, put ‘em in boats and ship ‘em [sic] over here from Africa if that’s what it takes. Those people need Jesus anyway, for God’s sake.”

“The problem of race in a Christian community such as IWU’s is more complex than it might seem…” a professor of sociology shared Monday. The interviewer quickly lost interest in what the professor was babbling about, however, and so the investigation ended.

Tips for Women on a "Gateway Date"

Apparel: Sweet and demure is the ticket, ladies. A quasi-date is hardly the occasion to experiment with false eyelashes for the first time; don’t even think about tarting it up with harlot heels. No, no. Sedated tones—a soft pink will properly compliment the virginal blush in your cheeks.  And if you must wear prints, go with floral. The lingering scent of lavender should be ever lurking behind your ears. Remember: on a date a man should be the man. Avoid combat boots, dirty fingernails, and disheveled hair. Gotta be looking pure.

Venue: McConn Coffee Company. As this caffeinated hub is the epicenter of campus life, it is sure to serve as the perfect place to show off your recent catch. There is nothing wrong with passively marking your territory—so long as you are in public where the other customers provide accountability.

Cuisine: One muffin; two forks. If he doesn’t suggest it, you should. Consider the innocent sparring between your saliva-coated utensils sanctified foreplay. But don’t be a pig; count to one hundred between each bite (but remain engaged in his macho anecdotes). A true gentleman will leave the last bite for the lady, but politely refuse. Keep this in mind: ten seconds on the lips, ten pounds on the hips.

Expenses:  If he doesn’t pay without asking, dump him. There is no need to even consider a man who won’t take initiative on such a basic level as finances.

Conversation: As the female, you are expected to maintain sparkling conversation by actively listening. Be sure to bolster your man’s ego with endless questions about his latest display of virility (ie: basketball event, boxing match, or video game success). If he asks you a question, give a brief answer (keeping the mystery alive), but turn the question back to him.

Approved Topics: his fitness regimen, his interests, his area of study, his future

Unapproved Topics: egalitarianism, women’s rights, yourself

Additional Tips: No bodily functions. If you have to urinate, risk the infection and hold it.

Tips for Men on a “Gateway Date”

Apparel: Think ministry major casual. V-necks give a sneak peak of what’s below, but won’t make a sister stumble. Remember, though: camo will only hurt you when you’re hunting this kind of game. Wear cologne to mask your natural scent, and don subdued colors that bring out your eyes, so your gaze can pierce her soul like an arrow to the flank.

Venue: McConn Coffee Company. If it gets awkward, pour some coffee on yourself and leave to clean up. If you already finished your coffee, there are plenty of exit routes; have a friend create a diversion and run. If it goes well, the couches provide a place to get more comfortable. And remember, the best way to demonstrate your masculinity is to be the first to get a free drink.

Cuisine: One muffin; two forks. Get your woman whatever drink she desires, but beware of those who order the Avalanche. They’ll be gaining more than the Freshmen Fifteen. Be assertive when it comes to eating. Don’t split the muffin in half before you start; you’re no feminist egalitarian liberal. You’re the man, and you get the lion’s share. When it comes to the end, though, never take the last bite; only take half of what’s left. Let her think you respect her enough to give her the last piece.

Expenses: You pay. Girls expect you to be the future breadwinner, so get used to it.

Conversation: As the man, your responsibility is to lead conversation. Make sure you have stories that demonstrate your masculinity lined up ahead of time. Christian girls don’t like violence, but they like to know you can protect them. Tell stories about defending the honor of fair maidens (none so fair as your date, of course). Throw in a story about winning the “Bromageddon” achievement in Halo 4 with your suitemates. Watch her response; if she looks impressed, she’s a keeper. If she looks bored, tell her she’s had enough muffin and leave.

Approved conversation topics: your interests, how many children she wants, how physically attractive she looks

Unapproved conversation topics: her interests and hobbies, literature, how intelligent she is

Additional Tips: The numbers are in your favor, so don’t go out of your way for any one girl. By senior year, there will be hundreds begging for you to tell them about pwning noobs in Halo.