I do, I do write a lot.

Do you know when I gave up on you? It was the day that I realised how good you were to me before. It was the day I remembered how I made your eyes light up and how I made your heart race before. I want to love, and I want to you to be the one I love but you seem to avoid even the idea of me nowadays. It is okay. I've realised you'll never be the one who gives me what I want. You'll never be the one who makes flower crowns for me from the daisies near the water and you'll never be the one who I can count on. The one I can wake up with every morning and the one who will hug me tight at night. Do you know when I gave up on you? It was the day when I was in front of the house and saw those lavenders that you absolutely adored. Brought back memories, naturally. I remembered the day you picked some out so we could put it in a vase in the house. It was the day before you left. It was the day before I lost you and the thing is, I never thought I'd lose you. I never imagined you not being here anymore and now I have to live with it. I am doing so much better than I thought, so don't be upset over there thinking my heart broke. It did, but you know how they say 'I could hear my heart breaking into pieces", well, it was quiet for me. I felt the pain very sudden, it was sharp as a knife and so quiet. Everything was quiet for a while after you left. I couldn't play music the first day. I remember staring at my phone for hours. I couldn't sleep either. I remember wanting to sleep but I couldn't. It was the burning sensation in my eyes that put me to sleep. Oh how much I've missed you. I've dealt with you being gone, promise. I gave up on you. I am done, I am done with it all and for the first time since months I can honestly say, I am happier without you. That doesn't mean I don't still miss you, because, oh man, every waking moment is spent with me thinking 'if he was here'. I guess I am just better at accepting you're not coming back. Not yet at least.

"You've missed the best of me."

I wanted you to come back. More than anything. I wanted you to just show up at my door and tell me you missed me. I wanted you to hold my hand again and I wanted you to tell me you loved me. I would not believe you if you said it, but I still wanted to hear those words. I told you secrets nobody knows, nobody. I gave a piece of me to you and you left without giving it back. You left and now every time someone walks by when I'm on the balcony I think it's you. Every time I hear someone whistle outside, I want it you be you. Every breathe I take I wish you were as close to me as before, I wish I was your priority, I wish you loved me and even right now if you asked me to go and see you I would. I would ignore my whole being for you and I would run to catch the next train just to see your eyes one more time. How pathetic is that? I lost myself, all of me, when I let you in. When I told you things I shouldn't have. When I held your hand and when you told me I was beautiful. I lost it all when I first saw you and I can never take that piece of me back, just like the tie you left with me. I will say I lost it when you ask, if you ever ask, but darling I didn't. It's still on my neck every time I go to bed and when I wake up. I still try to smell it to see if it smells like you. It doesn't anymore, but I imagine your eyes when I do that and it helps. I never thought you'd matter this much. I never thought we would live the way we did. I had it all, you. Nice house, money in the bank, good food and the perfect boy. What I didn't know was that I could just give up on all of that just to see you for 1 more second and just to hug you tight one last time. You broke me and I can't even blame you anymore.

I tried falling out of love with you today. I told myself that you changed. I told myself that you were not the one I fell for and you were not the one I've met. That you've become someone I can barely recognise even. I told myself I didn't like your eyes and the way you get when you're hungry or how your eyes look so little when you wake up and how you looked at me that one time. I told myself you've changed and there was no piece of the man I knew who once said "If anything I'll just walk to you, it would be worth it". I told myself that the man who couldn't keep his hands to himself and kept kissing me just because left and left a boy in his place who is even too coward to say he never felt anything. You hid behind those excuses and left me feeling like I never even mattered to you. You told me you meant every word you said just seconds after confessing you could love another. It happened. 5 stages of a break up. I wouldn't call what we had a relationship. I saw a quote saying "We were too strangers who just knew each other very well." And darling it fits us perfectly. We never became 'us' or we never looked deep into each other's eyes begging whatever higher power to stop the time. I loved holding your hand though, I have to say. The way your thumb stroked my hand when I held it, how when I said "You need to give me attention" you almost chocked me with kisses and tickles and asked me if it was enough. Stages, I was saying. I started with the initial shock. It was my first stage, it was settled. I was shocked. I could not believe what had just happened, I could not cry, I could not feel sad. I felt numb. I couldn't accept it. I couldn't accept the fact that I was not going to hold your hand anymore. I ignored it. That's what I do. I just ignore the little bumps in the way. I ignored it and tried to sleep, hoping that when I wake up you'll be right next to me, smiling at me, saying 'good morning darlin'.' But no. I woke up to an empty room with the Beatles playing softly on the background. You know I can't sleep without music, but it was as if the universe was mocking me. As I lay there, it played and I listened. "Why she had to go, I don't know, she wouldn't say." It was as if the world was mocking me, I couldn't move my hand to even check my phone or change the goddamn song. It all suddenly made sense, I gained some sort of realisation. You were gone and I was left behind. You did not want me and we were done. You touched me, made me feel, made me trust, made me feel it all and let it all in and left. We were one and then it was me. You came to see me in the middle of the night, without hesitating, and then left. I can't accept it. I want to accept it. I don't want to feel this way anymore and all I can do is wait. I just can't let you go.

I thought about dying today. Not like killing myself, just the concept of dying. You're here. Breathing. Feeling every bit of pain and joy life throws at you. You have people enjoying your successes and there are people crying at your pain. And then you're gone one day. You vanish. Didn't sound too strange to me honestly. It is like, you leaving. You're gone but my mind thinks you'll knock on my door any second and say "Hello darlin'." Will you really?

And she was sick of talking about her problems. It changed nothing but to make her feel like she was a burden to them all. It changed nothing but to remind herself she was not that strong after all. It did nothing but to show her that it even her family doesn't care, then why would anyone else?

And usually, the ones you thought were the best for you are usually the worst. Takes a bit to learn but believe me you learn

Lately I've been realizing how fucked up we all are. How many times you've been fucked over or how many times you've cried, I don't want to know. It is not a competition. We are all so fucked over and we all have our own demons to confront every time we go to bed, trying to sleep, failing. Every single time. But you know what? There will come a day where we won't try to cover our puffy eyes with a buttload of foundation and highlighter in the morning. There will come a time where we won't try to hold our tears in front of our friends so they won't feel uncomfortable. I don't know when, but that day will come. And I promise I will be there to see that day.