suck my Gyarados

When typing up the instructions, the pharmacist or technician was probably using shorthand in the computer, which automatically translates into text a patient can understand. The shorthand for this would have originally been ‘2 pfs po q4h prn hs’, where ‘prn’ stands for ‘as needed’. And there was a typo, so ‘prn’ became ‘pr’, which stands for ‘per rectum’ (aka rectally). I’ve done this myself on accident with ‘diabetes’ (DIAB) and ‘diarrhea’ (DIA), as well as prn and pr. 

There’s a new “horror” movie coming out, and the premise is that a female diver gets stuck sitting on a rock 200 yards from shore in what looks like maaaaaybe 30 foot deep water, with a great white “circling” nearby.

It is very stupid looking.

I could make all kinds of arguments about how there are only a few documented cases ever of sharks intentionally going after humans, about how we’re already trying to hunt them to extinction because people are terrified of them for no logical reason, about how the creator of Jaws regretted the shark phobia his work inspired for the rest of his life and became an extremely staunch defender of sharks as important ocean wildlife. I could say how pissed I am that yet again someone is making a “horror” movie whose premise is animals are evil and malicious and go after humans for no reason, nature and man are inherently at odds.

But instead I’m going to leave these pictures here and make the case that this is going to be a very inconsistent, confused film about a big angry fish who apparently changes size off camera.

Here we see the shark doing a Sea World style backflip in order to eat a guy right off his surfboard. (It then chases down guy number two, gets his legs in its mouth, and then… swims backwards? to dramatically pull him away from the rock?)

Aaand here we have a perfectly circular bite in the main character’s leg where the shark apparently shrunk way down, bit in deeply enough to leave a perfect circle of ouch in her flesh, and then let go. Either that, or she’s a giantess and her thigh is as big as a man’s entire torso.

Sharks, even great white sharks, really don’t give a fuck about humans. We are not food for them. They attack divers because they have relatively poor eyesight, and from below, a human paddling out into the water on a surfboard looks like a very fat, slow, awkward seal floundering on the surface. Sharks who do attack humans generally attack only once before realizing that this is not what they expected. That’s why there are shark attack survivors; the shark doesn’t try to eat the rest of the person they just bit. Great white sharks and tiger sharks can be dangerous, but so can any large animal. More Americans alone are killed by chairs, cows, deer, dogs, and vending machines (each, not added together) than are killed worldwide by sharks even on a very unlucky year.

William Sturgeon worked for the East India Company in the 1800s. He was self taught and notorious at the time not as an inventor but as a bar patron who would take up all kinds of bets. In 1822 he made a bet with Stuart Abercrombie that he could eat ten pounds of hard cheddar in one sitting. In 1823 he bet Markus Hellenschneidersen that he could punch a hole through one foot of lead. In early 1824 he bet Erskine Hamlet that he could sneeze with enough force to blast the Earl of Liverpool off his horse. Needless to say he failed every bet, and was generally out of money.

In late 1824, he bet Charles Grafton Page that he could find a needle in a haystack in under a minute. Being certain he could do so but being completely broke, he bet for one million pounds of Page’s money against his own life. Page accepted.

Sturgeon was scared half to death. On the appointed day he would have 59 seconds to find a needle in a modest haystack of one cubic meter. Or he would die. He had only two days to prepare, and in those days he studied. He studied metals. He studied hay. He studied methods of finding anything in the world. And on the Friday of the decision, he arrived at the barn with the world’s first electromagnet.

Unfortunately, electricity would not be invented by Georg Ohm for another three years and unable to use it to find the needle, Sturgeon was executed by a single gunshot to the head.

BUT. His invention, agreed by all to be a brilliant idea, became useful those three years later and he was awarded a posthumous patent (the first in England). Had he lived another few years, Sturgeon would have owned the rights to the electric motor, and would have lived as one of the richest men in British history.

His last words were recorded as follows: “I accept my fate for I have failed a bet against my life. I shall die now, but the afterlife troubles me not- For whatever Sisyphean ordeal awaits me in hell, it can’t be harder than finding a needle in a haystack.